Big Brother: Ozpin
by Arrancon
Summary: Remember the time when the cast of RWBY had to share a penthouse with each other? Me neither, but here it is. Ships, Crack, Parody, Out-Of-Character, Naughty Words, Fluff, Dark Humor, Action, Drama, and whatever twists and turns I feel like writing. Prepare yourself.
1. The Gang Is Introduced

**_So, after the heartbreaking feels-fest that was RWBY Volume 3, I needed to write something light-hearted to get my mind off of it._**

 ** _This is it._**

 ** _Expect crack, out-of-characterness, parody, whatever you'd expect to find in a RWBY Big Brother-esque scenario. This is really my first comedy/parody story, so bear with me here. I usually do darker, more serious things with lots of death. Expect none of that in this. I promise you that my friends._**

 ** _Oh, possible spoilers/not spoilers for all of RWBY. You have been warned._**

 ** _RWBY belongs to Rooster Teeth. Praise our overlords._**

 ** _I hope you enjoy wherever this wild ride might take us._**

* * *

"I will ask you this once more, Ozpin: Are you sure about this?"

Ozpin was a gambling man. Always was. He had taken many risks in his life, with many of them failing miserably with serious consequences.

Hopefully, this would not turn out to be one of them.

"Yes, Glynda. I am. I would not have come to these lengths if I was not."

"But this seems so… odd. What made you even think of such a thing?"

Ozpin adjusted his glasses. "Sometimes… Men make wagers that they do not think someone will actually go through with. Years ago, I made this one with a former _'acquaintance'_ of mine."

"I don't like how you said acquaintance."

"…These days, mortal enemies would best describe our current relationship."

The Good Witch's eyes widened. "You cannot be serious. You made this bet with _her,_ of all people?"

"I did not think she would take my jesting seriously."

Glynda sighed, shaking her head in disappointment. "And you are supposed to be a Headmaster..."

"We all make mistakes," Ozpin replied, sipping from his cup, "But I believe in my students. Surely they can meet my expectations."

"What exactly are your expec-

The loud screeching of a double-decker bus interrupted the Good Witch as the vehicle halted behind the two. Its doors opened quickly as its passengers filed out in a (somewhat) orderly fashion, 16 in total. Many of them were familiar to Ozpin; they were his students after all. However, the other 7 were less than friendly. He had never been quite familiar with _her_ pawns, but recognized two as members of the White Fang due to their masks. The group gathered in front of Ozpin and Glynda, a clear rift between them that made their alliances clear.

"Welcome, everyone," Ozpin greeted with a nod, "I assume you all had a pleasurable ride here."

No answer, aside from one coming from a particularly notable student of his.

"I-It was kinda loud," Ruby Rose replied, "And bumpy. And that one guy with the mask kept coming down from up top to spy on Blake."

"How _dare_ you talk about Adam in such a way!" one of the White Fang members shouted, having to be held back by the one Ozpin presumed to be Adam from charging at his student, "He only wishes to see that his fellow Faunus is safe among you human scum! You've already tainted her enough!"

"What was that, tough guy?" Cracking her knuckles, Yang Xiao Long also had to be held back from fighting, though Blake Belladonna and Weiss Schnee were having trouble doing so.

"He's not worth it, Yang," Blake grunted, "He's just a Lieutenant. Not a very bright one, at that."

On the side of _her_ pawns, there was a collective regret of having even offered to participate in this wager. One of the girls however, black haired and wearing a dark red mini-dress, had a smug smile on her face. "It seems like you may lose this wager sooner than you think, Ozpin."

The Headmaster gave the girl a cold look; this must be the Cinder Fall that _she_ had mentioned casually. There was an aura of uneasiness surrounding her. No wonder this girl was _her_ favorite pawn. "The wager has not yet begun, my dear. Whatever the result may be is up to all of you and your behavior."

"So…" Jaune Arc stepped out from behind the rest of his classmates, "What exactly is all of this? We never got, uh, debriefed or anything. Is this some kind of mission?"

"I'm glad you asked, Mr. Arc. Now, you are all here to participate in a game of sorts. Consider this a social experiment. An ' _acquaintance_ ' of mine and myself were curious to see if we could resolve our differences peacefully and without conflict. However, the only way in which we could possibly accomplish that goal was with this."

The Headmaster gestured to the penthouse behind the group, situated between clusters of trees. It was fairly modern-looking, and large enough to fit 16 people within it. There was a balcony sitting above the doorway, and the sound of running water came from behind.

"So… You're giving us a house?" the infamous crook Roman Torchwick questioned, resting his cane on his shoulder, "I appreciate the offer and all, but I prefer not to be in one place all the time. Easier to get caught that way… This isn't a setup, is it?"

"No," Ozpin replied, regretfully not having added ' _unfortunately_ ' to that statement, "This is not a gift to you all, but an experience. For 30 days, you shall all be sharing this penthouse with each other-

"I'm out." Emerald Sustrai interrupted. As she tried to make a break back to the bus Mercury Black grabbed her by the arm, sealing her fate.

"Oh-no, no way. If I have to suffer through this, so do you."

"Did I mention that there would be a cash prize if you are all successful?"

Now _that_ resonated with all of them. Moneybags sprouted from many pairs of eyes, with a particularly short girl standing by Torchwick seeming the most eager to claim it. Her partner pushed her back, putting his cane in front of her. "Stop it, Neo. There's a catch to this. There always is."

"I doubt that," Pyrrha Nikos assured, "Ozpin would not pull such a trick on us."

"Aw, but that's what makes it fun," Sun Wukong groaned, "Puts some excitement towards it."

"Do not worry, there will certainly be excitement," Ozpin said, "There is only one requirement to this game: you must all get along within those walls… to an extent, that is. Only then will the cash prize be split amongst all of you."

There was some murmuring between the two groups, before they turned back to face Ozpin and Glynda. Lie Ren raised his hand.

"Yes, Mr. Ren?"

"What if we fail?"

Ozpin blinked. "Pardon?"

"He _said_ what if we don't get along?" Weiss put her hands on her hips, "This won't be a big waste of time, will it?"

Huh. He hadn't really discussed that one with _her._ Time to improvise.

"…The cash prize will be donated to local groups in need."

"Like the White Fang?" Adam asked, though it sounded more like a demand.

"We will figure that out if the time comes," Ozpin said quickly; he could already feel Glynda's death glare burning through him. "Now, I feel it is time you go find your quarters and make your adjustments. Your suitcases have been left in the rooms assigned to you."

"Ooh, I hope we're together!" Nora Valkyrie squealed, latching Ren's arm, "But not _together-together_ , you know?"

"I'm well aware, Nora. I'm well aware."

As the group began walking towards the penthouse, Ozpin let out a heavy sigh. Glynda's icy gaze was focused on him. "This is ludicrous, you know."

"A wager is a wager, Glynda."

"…How large is this cash prize, exactly? Where could you possibly have gotten it from?"

"…"

" _ **Ozpin."**_

"I may have stretched the truth somewhat… As in, there is no cash prize-"

" _ **You lied to-**_

" _Stretched the truth,_ Glynda. Lie is such a strong word. Besides, this cannot turn violent. They have no weapons on them, and they are in a barrier that prevents them from activating their Semblences. There is no need to worry."

The two adults looked out to see Yang slap a bright red _'Kick Me'_ sign on the back of the White Fang Lieutenant.

"I'll make sure there is an ambulance on standby."

"Please do."


	2. The Gang Moves In

_**Hey, thanks to everyone following the story so far!**_

 _ **PSA: Chapter lengths will vary; some will be long, some will be short. Maybe some will be medium, but that's crazy talk.**_

* * *

The penthouse's rooms were located down one hallway, similar to the layout back at the Beacon Academy dorm rooms. In fact, they were really similar. Pretty much identical. The only difference was that there were crudely made paper nameplates taped to the doors, written in marker.

"Ozpin must not have a varying taste in interior decoration," Blake noted, walking down the long hallway and peeking inside the closed doors. There were four rooms total, with four beds in each. "Our rooms back home look nice and all, but apparently it is his only taste."

Cinder brushed past the cat, doing her best to avoid touching the Faunus, and headed towards a large note hanging at the end of the hallway. She ripped it off the wall and began to read it.

"I hope you've all adjusted to your new quarters. You will find that you have each been randomly assigned to a four-person room, in order to separate previously established cliques and develop new bonds between others."

Ruby cocked her head in confusion. "That's a pretty long way of saying make new friends, isn't it?"

"Unfortunately…" Cinder sighed, flinging the note aside.

The group slowly broke apart as individuals went to find out which room was theirs. Ozpin should have really planned a bigger hallway, as 16 people trying to shuffle back and forth within it was, putting it simply, chaos. Ruby seemed to be struggling the most. Crowded spaces weren't ever her kind of scene. Every step she took, someone was in the way.

"Move it, Little Red!"

"Sorry!"

"Ow! That's my foot!"

"Sorry! Again!"

Tripping over someone's foot, Ruby stumbled into one of the open rooms falling flat on her face. Recovering quickly, she recognized one of the suitcases in the corner as hers. "Huh. Lucky me."

"Well, at least I'm with someone familiar," a familiar voice said, entering from behind.

"Weiss!" Ruby jumped up in glee, leaping on her teammate. The Ice Queen did her best to pry out of her friend's death-grip hug. "Oh, this'll be great! It'll be just like back home. Except without Yang and Blake. Unless they're our roomies. Are they are roomies?"

"I don't know!" Weiss answered, finally freeing herself as Ruby fell back down, "It was too chaotic out there to look at the other names."

As Weiss went to spate her luggage from the rest, a pair of high heels entered Ruby's vision. Looking up, Ruby's silver eyes met the fiery ones of Cinder. She didn't seem too pleased to be stuck in a room with anyone other than Emerald or Mercury that was for sure.

"Uh, hey… Cinder," Ruby laughed nervously, not sure how to talk to the girl, "Nice shoes you got there. I can kinda see through them."

"Small talk is unnecessary," Cinder stepped over Ruby's body, seating herself delicately on one of the beds by the window, "I have no reason to try and be friendly with any of you."

"Right back at you," Weiss muttered, unzipping one of her bags. Suddenly, one of the bags beside her moved. One of Ruby's bags, to be exact. Weiss and Cinder stared at the bag, and then at Ruby.

"Why did that bag just move?" Cinder demanded.

A sigh from Weiss was followed with a small smile. "You couldn't help but have _him_ here, couldn't you?"

"Uhh…"

The bag barked.

"Well, he is my dog," Ruby kick flipped up onto her feet, and ran over to unzip the luggage. Almost instantaneously, a ball of fluff with tubby legs leaped out into her arms bringing her down to the floor yet again.

"Zwei!" Ruby squeezed the Corgi as it licked her face over, "Oh, this whole thing just got even better now!"

A slack-jawed Cinder was still comprehending the situation. This girl put a canine in the mail. A small, fluffy, tubby, happy, cute looking one at that… _'No! Resist it. You are the Cinder Fall, and it is just a dog. Just. A. Dog.'_

Looking away from Zwei to keep her mind straight, Cinder saw Lie Ren standing in the doorway. A look of anxiety sat on his face, as if he knew this room would bring him much grief.

"Hello Ruby, Weiss… Cinder."

"Hey Ren!" Ruby waved, as Zwei left her arms to run over to the unfamiliar Cinder, "So, how's it feel to be in a room with all girls, eh? _Eh?"_

"I'm not really sure yet. But-

"Ruby, we should make bunkbeds like back at Beacon," Weiss interrupted, "It'll save us some room."

"Ooh! Good idea!"

Feeling the cold shoulder, Ren looked at Cinder who couldn't even bother to look back. She stared out the window, avoiding his and Zwei's gaze.

"So, Cinder… Do bunkbeds sound alright to you?"

"I don't care."

"I see. Well then, top or bottom?" Ren smiled kindly, trying his best to be friendly. He had to try at least, unlike this one here.

" _I don't care."_

"Okay… Maybe we'll figure that out later…"

This was going just as well as he had imagined.

* * *

"Well, look on the brightside," Roman said, shrugging his shoulders, "Three outta four ain't bad."

Already lounging on her bed, Emerald stared blankly up at the ceiling. Neo sat on the end frame by her feet, kicking her feet in boredom. "I hate this already. If it wasn't for that money, I would've killed those Beacon twerps already and been out of here."

"You and me both, sister," Roman yawned, spinning his cane, "But hey, it can't get any worse for you, can it?"

" _HELLOOOO!"_

Bubbly with excitement, Nora burst into the room full force, taking out Roman with ease and knocking him into a pile of luggage. The spritely girl looked left, then right, then left again. "Aww… Ren's not here… But oh well! I think we'll all get along in no time! We can wake up together and eat pancakes, oh I love pancakes! You guys like pancakes? Oh wait, your name's Neo right? You probably like ice cream on your pancakes – _OH MY GOD ICE CREAM PANCAKES!_ Can you guys imagine that? I gotta try that! We're all going to try that, and then we'll…"

Grabbing hold of her pillow, Emerald covered it over her face. Hopefully it would suffocate her.

And then she heard Adam screaming in the hallway.

* * *

" _This is ridiculous!"_

Slamming his fist into the wall, Adam could no longer contain his fury. How could the randomizer not put him and Blake in the same room?! It had to have been rigged!

"Calm down, Adam," the Lieutenant said, placing his hands on his boss's shoulders, "At least we share living quarters. We can still watch over Blake from afar."

"Unacceptable! She must be by me at all - Are you massaging my shoulders?"

"Not at all, sir."

"Anyways, we have to find her. This must be – Seriously, _stop_ massaging my damn shoulders. I can feel that."

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Then let go of me!" Adam jerked away from his Lieutenant, storming down the hall and reading the nametags. When he spotted the name Blake written on one of them, he burst into the room to find Jaune siting by himself. The blonde looked at him like a deer looking into the headlights of a semi-truck.

" _ **Where's my Blake?"**_

"Why me…?," Jaune whimpered, beginning to panic, "Uh, she's with Yang somewhere. Might be talking with Ruby and Weiss."

"And this Sun Wukong, your other roommate. Where is he?"

"Bathroom. Or lost. He broke off from the rest of us to explore the place."

"Does he know he is assigned to this room?"

"I, uh, don't think so."

Adam smiled. Jaune shivered.

"Well, there's been an adjustment to the room selection. You and Wukong just got moved down the hall."

Jaune gulped. "I don't have a say in this, do I?"

Cracking his knuckles, the Lieutenant approached the boy. "Nope."

* * *

Pyrrha was already having some less-than-positive feelings about her roommates. While she never had problems with boys like this (because she could easily restrain them if they became too bothersome), these three were just… obnoxious. The two White Fang members had thankfully left the moment one realized Blake did not reside in this room, but Mercury Black was a different story. He just sat on his bed, smiling at her without a word. She had seen this smile before. The Slime Smile.

"Is there something you would like to say, Mercury?" Pyrrha asked kindly, hoping he would say something.

"Nope," Black chuckled, "Not a thing."

"I see," Pyrrha scooted back on her bed to lean against the wall. She began to wonder if she was the only one in a room like this, with no one to have a heartfelt conversation with. Regardless, she would muster through this. She could not let Ozpin's expectations down.

"Oh come on man, put me down! I know how to walk!"

Pyrrha recognized that adorable cry for help. Leaping off her bed, she burst into the hall only to have Jaune flail into her arms. She barely made the catch as his pitcher waved at her.

"There's your new roommate," Adam said, as he and his Lieutenant turned their backs on her, "You'll be getting another monkey soon enough."

Setting her teammate down, Pyrrha placed a comforting hand on his back. "Are you okay, Jaune?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Except my stuff is still in that room."

One bright blue suitcase landed at their feet from the other end of the hall, its contents scattering everywhere.

"Oh. There it is. And everywhere else."

"Let me help," Pyrrha knelt down to help Jaune clean up. She tried to avoid reaching near him, nervous to accidentally bump his hand. "I wonder how Nora and Ren are doing."

"Probably better than me. Heck, I can still hear Nora talking with her roommates behind that door over there," He paused to think about that one for a second. "Okay, maybe I'm not in the worst spot after all."

"Don't worry Jaune," Pyrrha smiled, "At least we have each other."

"Yeah, I guess you're right. And we'll have Sun too. Maybe it won't be that bad."

Peeking from inside the room, a slightly aggravated Mercury shot Adam a short little text to express his feelings about his two new roommates:

' **GO KILL YOURSELF.'**

* * *

Yang and Blake stood in front of their room, staring at the name tags intently. They had just returned from the bathroom, only to find that something was… different.

"Hey Yang?"

"Yeah Blake?

"Weren't Jaune and Sun's names up here a little bit ago?"

"Yup."

"Why is _Adam's_ name here now?"

"Well let's ask him."

Yang's boot collided with the door, nearly knocking it off its hinges as someone yelped from inside. The girl's narrowed their eyes at the two White Fang members, as the sound of heavy metal music erupted from Adam's earbuds to break the silence. The Lieutenant slowly returned to straightening the curtains, still shaking slightly from the loud noise.

"Adam," Blake growled, "Where is Jaune?"

"Easy, my darling," Adam placed his hands up in peace, "He just wanted to share a room with Nikos. As did Mr. Wukong."

"You expect us to buy that?" Yang said, folding her arms.

"Yes… I mean, no! Look, my darling-

"Stop calling me that."

"Fine. _Blake,_ I just want to try and make amends with you. There is nothing up my sleeve with this. I just want you to forgive me so you will return to the White Fang (and me) just like old times."

"I'm not coming back, Adam. No matter how much you beg."

"But you have to. We were a pair, Blake. You're not allowed to leave me. That's just how relationships work."

Yang leaned in towards Blake's ear. "You actually dated this guy?"

"Why do you think I ran away?"

"Besides," Adam continued, "I still don't understand why you wanted to leave me anyways. I'm the leader of a powerful organization, not to mention quite handsome-"

"It's true. I've seen under his mask before."

"Shut up, Lieutenant. I at least deserve an explanation, Blake."

"You kill people, Adam," Blake answered sternly, "Did you ever think that might be a reason? That there is something wrong with that?"

"…Not really, no."

"And there's you have it. Come on Yang, let's go find Ruby and Weiss."

As the two girls turned to leave, Yang turned her head sharply back at the White Fang. She pointed to her eyes, then at Adam's, before disappearing. The red-head hothead sighed, looking at the Lieutenant.

"What do you think?"

"I say we switch back. That blonde chick is scary."

"No. We've come too far now," Adam stood up, feeling like this would be an appropriate time for some dramatic posing, "I will make you mine again, Blake. Just you wait – Oh wait. _Wait._ That's my phone… Gah. Stupid tiny pockets..."

"Need help boss?"

"No, I'm good, I'm good… Oh, kiss my ass Mercury."


	3. Release of the Snow White Magnolia

Upon his exploration of the penthouse, Sun had the realization that he and the others would truly be living "the good life". There was a gaming room with a huge movie-sized screen and built-in snack bar in the basement with a karaoke stage nearby. The twin pool outback looked like a tropical paradise, with rock formations, ferns, palms, and waterfalls. It was almost enough for Sun to never want to return to Beacon.

Oh, who was he kidding: he never wanted to leave this place!

Sitting in the lounge room at one end of a rotunda couch, he was focused on an extremely bored Emerald who was playing with a hangnail. He couldn't believe that she wasn't the least bit excited about any of this. The green-haired vixen felt the monkey staring at her, and he responded with a small tail wave.

"What are you looking at?" Emerald spat.

"You're unbelievable," Sun said, with his most charming smile, "We've got this whole mansion, yet you're pouting. You must be hard to satisfy."

"Nah, she's just a bitch," Mercury leaped over Emerald's side of the couch, landing and propping his feet on the center coffee table. He casually opened a can of soda, and some of the fizz landed on Emerald's leg agitating her even more.

"I'm stuck living in a room with a girl who never shuts up. I have a reason to be like this."

"Ah, Nora isn't that bad," Sun said, "Now, that Adam guy though… He just makes me uncomfortable."

Mercury groaned at his name. "He's insane. Coming from someone like me, that means something. There's so many other chicks he could be stalking, but he just sneaks after his ex."

"Blake's his ex?" Sun was surprised to hear that, "I didn't know she was into crazy. Guess that puts me out of the picture."

"You're after that?" Mercury smirked, "So Faunus really do stick together. Maybe you and Adam can share."

"Oh, that's messed up man. I was just joking, anyways. Not really sure how I feel about her yet."

"What's there to feel? Who needs feelings when you can get straight to the business?"

"I'm going to leave now," Emerald interrupted, rolling her eyes, "You're both pigs."

Sun and Mercury watched her leave, making sure she was out of earshot before continuing. The monkey looked to Black, confused.

"Why am I a pig?"

"Hell, I don't know. Probably just her time of the month or something."

Sun was starting to think that Emerald may have been half right about the pig thing.

* * *

"This is quite the pantry," Ren said, shutting one of the many cabinets in the kitchen. He had been hoping to stumble across this particular room, as it would be nice to be able to cook a giant meal for once. The supply was seemingly endless, with any and all ingredients he could ever need for any dish imaginable. Of course, Ruby had insisted on following him the moment he said he was going to find where all the food was at.

"Did you find any cookies yet?" Ruby called, her voice echoing from inside a drawer.

"Behind you. Top shelf, far right cabinet. Six different kinds."

" _Six?!"_

"Don't spoil your appetite, Ruby," Ren said as the girl ran to grab a chair so she could reach her favorite snacks, "I'm going to be making us a four-course meal tonight."

"How are going to all eat with only four plates?"

"That's not what I… Never mind. You'll see it later."

Leaning back on the counter, Ren looked over all the possibilities before him. So many things he could cook, yet so little time to do so. It was a good thing he had a month to spend here.

He felt a tap on his shoulder as a piece of paper was waved in front of his face. Grasping it between two fingers, he looked down at its deliverer and her hetero-chromatic eyes.

"Ah, you must be Neo. One of Nora's roommates."

Neo grimaced, and nodded her head.

"So she's talking already… My apologies for that. It's just her nature."

Reading over the note, Ren couldn't help but smile to himself. "So, she's too busy talking to her new friend Roman to tell me this herself… Well, at least I can cook with some peace and quiet for once."

Neo raised an eyebrow, as if Ren was implying that she help him make dinner. It seemed that he was, as he began writing down ingredients and handed Neo the list.

"Would you mind finding these for me? I need to go find Nora and ask her what kind of ice cream she wants on her pancakes. There's a stool over there so you can reach up high." He did a double take, looking at the note again to see if he had read her request right. "Wonder how she got the idea for this…"

Standing still and unsure with the note in her hand, Neo looked over at a smiling Ruby with a mouthful of cookies.

"… _Shup?"_

* * *

"You sure about this, boss?"

Adam sat on the floor by Blake's bookshelf, running his finger over the spines of her library. Some of these titles were quite strange: _'Ninjas of Love',_ ' _Shadow's Desire'_ , _'Sasuke VS The Entire Dojo'_ … Curiosity was coming over him. He had to know what Blake was reading. Besides, if she touched it, by the transitive property it belonged to him. His Lieutenant seemed less than keen to this "invasion of privacy", as he called it.

"Of course I am sure. Why wouldn't I be?"

Pulling out _'Release of the Snow-White Magnolia'_ , Adam quickly made his way out of the room and down to the gaming room, the Lieutenant close behind. Upon bursting into the room, he came face to face with a familiar face.

"Cinder," he nodded in greeting. The woman did the same, but looking down she noticed the title of the book in the Faunus' hand. Though she was not much of a casual reader, she was well aware of the content within that particular genre of books.

"That is an interesting book you have there," Cinder raised her eyebrow, trying her best not to smirk.

"A word of this to nobody. No one must know we are in possession of this."

Cinder looked at Adam, then to the Lieutenant, then back to Adam. "Of course. Don't ask don't tell, as they say."

Once Fall had left, Adam and the Lieutenant sat down in a pair of the reclining seats positioned in front of the movie screen. Adam opened the book up to a random page, but was stopped before he could even read a word.

"Shouldn't we start from the beginning sir? How will we know the plot?"

"I don't give a damn about the plot. It's probably non-existent anyways. Now shut up and let me read."

The men looked at page 35, the dead center of a chapter. Picking out a decently sized paragraph, Adam began reading out-loud.

"…Ichigo looked into Tatsumi's chocolate eyes with his own, his white irises complementing his partners' perfectly. He could smell the scent of his hair, the hot breath of his lungs, invading his nostrils…"

For some odd reason, Adam could feel his subordinate staring at him instead of the page. He skipped ahead a bit, ignoring the excessive description.

"…Laying Tatsumi down on the flowing grass, Ichigo put his hands on his shoulders tightly as he reached to unsheathe his sword. The weapon out, he stabbed it into the helpless Tatsumi, who cried out in ecstasy."

Adam looked up, staring at the movie screen blankly. His Lieutenant leaned back away from him quickly. "A-Aren't you going to read any more?"

"Never before have I read such demented literature."

"Wait, what?"

"That boy Tatsumi was clearly enjoying being stabbed by a blade! What have those humans taught Blake to enjoy?! This is pure sadism! Death is meant to strike fear into others, not arouse them!"

"I think the sword was a metaphor for his-

Cutting the Lieutenant off, Adam stood up abruptly and stormed off. "I must confront Blake about this! Come, Lieutenant! We must dispose of this garbage immediately."

"Wait, boss! I want to see how it ends!"


	4. The Gang Tries To Eat Dinner

With the smell of Ren's cooking drifting throughout the home, Pyrrha felt it would be beneficial to start setting the large dining table to lessen her teammate's workload. Alone at first, she had returned from the kitchen with more utensils to discover that someone had wandered in to join her.

"Jaune," she smiled, "I thought you were taking a rest."

"Woke up," Jaune shrugged, "Figured I should try to be useful and help someone out."

She could tell by his flared nostrils and slight drooling that he wasn't exactly being truthful.

"You smelled the food, didn't you?"

Arc slumped, defeated. "…Yeah. I can't resist turkey."

Giggling, Pyrrha held out a stack of plates. "Here. You can help me out while you are here, if you want."

"Well, I can't just walk away now, can I?"

Taking the opposite side of the table, Jaune went down the line placing plates all willy-nilly, clearly not worried about presentation. Pyrrha sighed lightly, having expected this from him. This was the same boy who designated his shoes with R's and L's; proper placement etiquette was clearly out of his range. She didn't want to call him out on his untidiness, but she wanted to make an impression on the rest of the housemates.

"I hate to ask Jaune, but could you perhaps be slightly more refined with your placements?"

"…Say what now?"

"Your plates are crooked. Very crooked."

He looked back over his handiwork. "Huh. I guess they are."

"I'm not saying you are doing wrong, but I just wanted this first dinner between all of us to be a little more… _formal_ than our usual meals."

"Oh no, it's cool," Jaune said, doing his best to even up his work, "But just so you know, I don't think some of the people here will worry about that too much. I mean, you've seen Adam and Mercury. They aren't exactly the gentleman type".

Frowning slightly, Pyrrha placed her last set of silverware. Jaune met her at the end of the table, both of them looking over their finished presentation. "You are right about that. I just hope they will appreciate the effort, however little that appreciation may be."

"Ah, don't worry. I bet they'll love it… Even though my side is still pretty crooked."

"I think it looks fantastic for your first try, Jaune," Pyrrha stared at him from the corner of her eyes, hoping he would notice. When she saw him getting ready to try and fix his plates, she just stood back and smiled. Something about him carefully adjusting each china dish with a single finger stirred up the ever-present butterflies in her stomach whenever he was around.

* * *

"You just couldn't help yourself, could you?"

Propping her friend up in a chair, Weiss heard the sound of footsteps entering the door behind her. Yang and Blake had finally arrived after having heard about their youngest teammate's latest predicament.

"Oh, what now?" Yang groaned upon seeing her aching little sister.

"Cookie… Overdose…" Ruby moaned, clutching her belly, "Tummy… Hurts…"

"How long has she been like this?" Blake asked, looking at Ruby with concern.

"Ren sent me a text message that she had curled up in a corner of the kitchen with empty cookie bags around her. Apparently some of them were expired, but she was too busy eating to notice."

"Still tasted yummy…" At that, Ruby's face began turning a sickly shade of green.

"I bet they did," Yang replied sarcastically, looking around the room for a bucket. Spying one, she quickly nabbed it and placed it in her sister's hands. Weiss had a look of worry when she realized whose trash can that was.

"That might have been a mistake."

"What? I can't just let her puke on the floor."

"That trash can belongs to Cinder."

"Well, she'll probably understand. Emphasis on probably."

"I doubt that," Schnee rolled her eyes, "I have only said a few words to her, and I can already tell she is a total bitch."

Yang and Blake shared a quick glance. "I don't think you realize how lucky you are, Weiss."

"What? What do you mean by that? You've got Sun and Jaune for roommates. They can't be that bad."

"Funny story about that," Blake said, with a hint of resentment, "Adam and the Lieutenant took it upon themselves to take their places."

"Oh my God. I take it all back."

"Now who's got it bad?" Yang put a hand on her sister, patting her on the back, "And it looks like _you_ won't be having dinner tonight. And since someone has to stay and watch after you, it looks like I won't be having any either."

"I'll be fine Yan- URGH!"

"Yeah, I don't think so Ruby. Blake, Weiss, you guys go enjoy whatever Ren's cooked up. Try and save me some leftovers if you can. I'll be here if you need me."

Nodding, Blake and Weiss left the two sisters in the room. Closing the door, the Faunus noticed that the door to her own living space was open slightly. She hadn't remembered leaving it like that…

"Hold up, Weiss," Blake beckoned for Schnee to come with her. Stepping inside, the feline carefully examined her side of the room. Her eyes were immediately drawn to her bookshelf, where one of her favorite books was suspiciously missing.

"Is something wrong? Did Adam do something?"

"I want to say no, but then I'd be lying to myself."

* * *

To say that Ren may have gone a bit overboard with his cooking would be an understatement. Even with the combined efforts of Neo, Pyrrha, Jaune, and himself, it had taken a good thirty minutes to fully set the table with all the platters of food he had concocted. It was a feast worthy of the Round Table, with two full roasted turkeys, crab legs, prime ribs, rolls, veggies, and of course ice cream pancakes for a certain someone. He was just adding the finishing touches to the fruit basket centerpiece when nearly the entire house made their way into the dining room.

Nora was at the head of the charge, zooming into the seat in front of her special dish. She hugged the cook, who had taken a seat beside her. " _Oooh!_ You're the greatest Ren! These look amazing!"

"Dear God, she's still talking…" Roman grunted, making sure he sat as far away from the Valkyrie as he possibly could. He placed himself at one of the head seats, giving himself a full view of the table. "Only fitting that the oldest one here gets to be the head of the table. Isn't that right?"

"Head seats also belong to those with power," Cinder answered from far across the table, having taken the opposite end chair, "Something you do not have yet."

"You know, there are times I regret even working with you woman."

Emerald and Mercury took the two seats adjacent their associate, as Neo sat by hers. Jaune and Pyrrha sat by their fellow JNPR teammates, with Weiss and Blake sandwiching in between Jaune and Cinder. Sun was the only Beacon student separated from his classmates, hesitantly sitting by Mercury. He didn't really hate the guy that much, but he would be an idiot to realize not to realize how much of a douchebag he was.

The whole room went awkwardly quiet the moment Adam and his Lieutenant stepped in. They all knew it was a matter of time before Taurus and his lackey did something stupid to ruin everything. The White Fang leader's gaze never left Blake as he slowly walked to the last remaining seats, her 'sadistic' book tucked away in his jacket.

"He read my book," Blake face palmed as Adam rested his chin on his hands, staring down the table at her intently, "That jackass actually read one of my books."

"Is that a problem?" Jaune asked from aside, already shoveling down food.

"What do you think?" Weiss spat at him, "You can't be that dense!"

"Well, what kind of book was it?"

The two RWBY girls gave him one of those 'Are you serious?' looks, but the boy just wasn't getting it. Pyrrha, however, understood their message loud and clear. She leaned into Jaune's ear and whispered it to him. The shocking revelation of Blake's favorite genre sent Arc into a coughing fit as he choked on his turkey.

"Blak-ACK!" he lurched forward, hacking up on his plate, "You're not supposed to leave those kind of books out in the open!"

"Keep it down!" Blake hissed, covering Jaune's mouth with her hand and keeping his food stuck in his throat. By now her effort were too late, as everyone was staring at her and the choking boy. Pyrrha was more focused on Jaune's words than the coming storm from Adam.

"Wait, Jaune," Nikos asked nervously, raising an eyebrow, "Are you hiding… _naughty_ books in the room?"

" _PYRRAH!"_

"I'm only asking!"

"I'm hiding some."

" _You're not helping Mercury!"_

Feeling like now was the best time to contribute, Adam slammed " _Release of the Snow White Magnolia_ " onto the table as hard as he could, standing up in his seat. _"Care to explain this filth, Blake?!"_

"Oh God, here we go." Emerald groaned, pinching her brow.

"Explain what?!" Blake was standing now, pointing at her book, "You're the one invading my space!"

"Well, this is awkward," Sun laughed nervously, his seat stuck directly in the line of fire between his fellow Faunus. He slowly inched downwards as the conflict quickly escalated.

"What's yours is mine, Blake! That's how relationships work!

"First of all, we're not _IN_ a relationship! And second of all, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"

"Well, by the transitive property…

"Wait, what the Hell is going on?" Torchwick shouted, throwing his arms out, "I demand order! I've already got enough of a headache as it is!"

"I'm should probably call Yang…" Weiss suggested to herself, only for the Lieutenant to overhear the mention of the Blonde Demon's name.

" _NO!_ Don't bring _her_ in here!"

"Why should I listen to you of all people?!"

" _Because you're a filthy Schnee wench, that's why!"_

Now, Weiss had attended many etiquette classes in her younger years. She had always done her best to appear prim and proper, especially at occasions such as this around those she was not familiar with. First impressions were always important.

But not anymore.

Taking a handful of mashed potatoes, she chucked it at the masked Faunus. Instinctively feeling that the food was being aimed at Adam, the Lieutenant took action.

" _ADAM WATCH OUT!"_

" _JESUS CHRIST!"_ Adam was tackled to the floor, receiving more pain than he probably should have. However, as he fell his hand flipped his plate across the table sending its contents flying past Jaune, Blake, and Weiss and straight at…

 _*SPLAT!*_

 _Cinder._

Gravy dripped from her obsidian bangs, obscuring the look of death focused on Torchwick who had burst into laughing. The crime boss was soon silenced, as an apple hit him square in the teeth. Cinder smiled evilly at him, but that grin was turned upside down as Neo retaliated with another dose of gravy and turkey.

Nora looked at Ren, a big Cheshire grin on her face. "It's happening again, isn't it?"

The cook looked over his precious food once more before lowering his head in defeat. "Yes, Nora, yes it –

" _FOOD FIGHT!"_


	5. The Gang Gets Messy

_**Hey-ooo!**_

 _ **Just two quick things I gotta say.**_

 _ **1\. Big thanks to everyone who's following this story! I really didn't expect even half this many people to enjoy this, considering how random it is. Hell, it already has nearly as many followers as my other fics, which took 2+ years to have near this amount of followers. Guess I gotta keep this going for a while, eh?**_

 _ **2: To follow that, I'm going to try and establish a schedule for chapter releases. Now I've never actually been able to follow my planned schedules in the past, but expect at least 1 to 2 chapters per week depending on my college workload. I can promise you guys at least that much.**_

 _ **Anyways. I'll shut up now. Enjoy the 2nd Food Fight of Remnant!**_

* * *

Yang pulled the covers over an exhausted Ruby, who had finally gotten the expired snacks out of her system. Her little sister looked precious all curled up and asleep, minus the small dribble of vomit still in the corner of her mouth. The blonde wiped it away with a tissue brought over by Zwei.

"Thanks, buddy," Yang smiled at the dog, "I think you've earned yourself some extra leftovers from dinner as long as you stay away from Cinder's trash can. You know that isn't good for you to eat."

"BARK!"

Stroking her sister's hair, Yang couldn't help but smile lightly at the lightly snoring girl. This was just like how things had been when they were both little, and Yang couldn't help but miss doing things like this for Ruby.

"Sleep tight, Ruby," Yang went to kiss her sister on the head when she heard a man yelling from somewhere in the house, soon followed by Blake's voice. "Oh, great. It's started already. Come on, Zwei. Let's go check it out."

Just as she stood up and opened the door, she heard the sound of a table breaking. Things had escalated very quickly. And if the food fight at Beacon was anything to go by, then a fight between twice as many people would surely cause more damage.

"On second thought, you stay here Zwei."

The Corgi watched her sprint down the hall, waiting for her to completely vanish before trotting back into the room to check on Ruby and his special meal in the trash can.

* * *

Ren was the first casualty of the war.

The moment Nora had jumped up to proclaim the start of battle, her fist decked him straight in the jaw and knocked him out cold. He probably didn't mind that too much, as he would be spared from watching his food get utterly destroyed. Not even realizing she had knocked out her best friend, Nora took two handfuls of peas and tossed them into the air. As the little green orbs rained down upon everyone, she jumped up on the table laughing maniacally.

"That girl is mad!" Roman shouted, taking aim at Valkyrie with a grapefruit in hand. The spirited girl must have sensed him as she cartwheeled down the table and tossed a hunk of mashed potatoes into his face.

Neo didn't take too kindly to her partner's elimination, and started throwing pancakes like ninja stars trying to hit Nora. Most of them landed in her mouth, but one found its way onto Weiss' face soaking her with cold, syrupy ice cream.

"Eew!" Schnee tried flicking the sticky substance off her to no avail as Blake couldn't help but laugh. Seeing her partner covered in such an odd mixture made her forget all about Adam. "Quit laughing at me!"

" _I can't help it!"_ Blake said between breaths. The Faunus wouldn't be immune much longer as Weiss whipped the pancake off her face and slapped it across hers. Unfortunately Adam caught sight of this as he pulled himself up and out from under his Lieutenant.

"My darling!" Taurus shouted, crawling up onto the table only to slip on some spilled soda, "I will protect you!" Pulling himself over the piles of food like a zombie without legs, Adam was unable to avoid Sun's who had done a backflip to dodge Mercury's lobbing of an entire ham. The monkey's two feet stomped down right onto his spine. "GAAAH!"

"Sorry about that, dude!" Sun apologized, flipping away and grabbing a banana with his tail.

"Boss!" the Lieutenant cried out as he watched Sun crush his boss's spine. Making the mistake of standing completely upright, he was knocked right back down by Mercury's projectile. Black clenched his fist in sadistic satisfaction, happy to have made contact with something, all the while oblivious to Emerald behind him, preparing to dump a punch bowl over his head.

Seeing her subordinates taking each other on, Cinder noticed that no one had taken notice to her and prepared to make her escape. Things were getting too uncivilized for her tastes-

 _*SPLASH!*_

A cold red liquid drenched over her body, causing her to shudder all over. Glaring back, she saw Mercury and Emerald holding an empty bowl smirking at her. "We couldn't just let you walk away, you know."

"In any other situation, you would both be dead," Cinder closed her eyes, breathing deeply. In the blink of an eye she grabbed hold of two full drinking cups and splashed both of them in the face, grinning ear to ear. "Consider yourselves lucky today."

Now, in all of this chaos, Jaune and Pyrrha had managed to stay perfectly seated in their chairs without being disturbed by the fight around them. Nikos in particular was quite depressed, as all of her work on setting such a fine placement had gone straight to Hell.

"Don't feel too down, Pyrrha," Jaune tried to comfort, "I think we both had a feeling something was going to happen."

"Yes, but I did not expect something of this caliber…" Suddenly Jaune's finger stroked over her nose. Pyrrha lurched back in surprise, not just from him touching her but from the warm gravy that he placed on her.

"Gotcha."

That goofy smile of his was contagious. Giving him a sly smile of her own, Pyrrha leaned in close to him. Very, very, close…

"Uh, Pyrrha… That's a little – COLD!"

Her distraction worked perfectly: Jaune was too focused on her face to see her hand reach for his glass and pour it onto his crotch. A double victory for her. Soon, Jaune had recovered from the sudden freeze and joined Nikos in lobbing food at everyone else.

The war took a turn when the Lieutenant recovered from being whacked by the ham. Dazed, disoriented, and unable to see, Adam, he went into full-on rage mode. Grabbing the table he lifted it over his head with Adam, Sun, and Nora still standing on top. Roaring in rage, he chucked it towards the window behind him. Sun and Nora jumped off just in time but Adam was not so fortunate.

" _LIEUTENANT!"_ Adam shrieked as he felt himself falling, _"YOU SON OF A BIT-_

 _*CRASH!*_

At that very moment, Yang burst into the room ready to get her food fight on. "All right! The party is… here?"

The entirety of the room looked at her silently, food and drinks coating their bodies. Upon seeing her, the Lieutenant shuddered and realized who was not among them.

" _ADAM! I'M COMING!"_

" _NO!"_ Taurus yelled from outside, clearly in pain, _"Stay away from me you bastard!"_

With the burly Faunus leaping out the window, Blake stepped forward to Yang with "Release of the Snow White Magnolia" in her hand. The feline put the book in Long's hand, shrugging. "Guess Adam doesn't like porn that much."

Yang had to say it. "Guess he couldn't _keep himself up_ with the plot."

"…That was bad, Yang," Blake said, trying to keep a straight face, "That was really… _really…"_

She couldn't hold it in after all of this. Both she and Yang burst into laughter, followed by most of those standing behind them; even Cinder did her best to hide a smirk. Deciding to clean up the giant mess tomorrow the entire gang filed out of the room, friends and enemies side by side and laughing for the first time ever.

Except they had forgotten the one whom without they wouldn't have had this experience.

"Whoops!" Nora quickly ran back into the room, pulling a still unconscious Ren away by his ankles. She grinned at her friend for making all of this possible. "Thanks, best buddy. You're the greatest."

* * *

"Lord, help me."

Ozpin closed the monitor screen, rubbing his temples. He had been viewing all the transpired events through the penthouse's multiple hidden cameras since the group moved in, and was less than pleased about this recent damage. This whole thing had already cost him enough money, and a broken window was just icing on the cake. Pivoting in his chair, he flipped off the radio in his RV's dashboard. The camper was parked inconspicuously out of view from the penthouse, with a cameo paintjob to better blend it into the surrounding trees. Being so cleverly disguised, Ozpin didn't expect someone to knock on the side of his hideout.

"Yo Ozpin! You in there?" a gruff, raspy voice called from outside the door. Ozpin pulled the man inside, nearly catching his cape in the closing door.

"Mr. Branwen," Ozpin said, adjusting his glasses, "May I ask what you are doing here?"

"Just chekin' up on ya," Qrow said, picking his flask from off the floor, "Heard about this thing yer doin' with the kids and had to see it for myself."

"Did Glynda send you?"

"Maybe, maybe not," the drunk lounged in the front seat and took a swig, "But hey, at least you have some company."

"I do not believe I requested for any."

"Tough luck, Oz. As long as this thing plays out, I wanna see how it ends. So I hope you have some booze stashed away in here, or we're gonna have to spend a little extra cash tonight."


	6. The Bathroom and the Trouble It Causes

When creating the blueprints for the penthouse, Ozpin had overlooked one vital design flaw: bathrooms. It wasn't that he forgot to include one, no he did that. The problem was exactly that: there was _only_ one. And when there are 16 people living in said house with a majority of them covered in food, there is sure to be a bit of a scuffle.

Weiss and Cinder were responsible for said scuffle.

The two roommates were at each other's throats for a good ten minutes, each explaining how they were filthier than the other and how each one deserved bathroom privileges before the other. Really, they were equally dirty; one was covered in syrup and ice cream and the other drenched in punch. In an ironic twist, their arguing would put them last in line as Pyrrha managed to calmly establish a bathroom waitlist ranking everyone from dirtiest to cleanest. Ren was allowed first dibs, as he was the one who cooked the meal after all. The two divas ended up being last, due to their uncivil nature towards the situation.

Neither were too happy with that.

While all this was going down, there was another situation occurring outside.

You see, Ozpin had forgotten one other slight detail before leaving the gang on their own.

To explain the problem better, we have to look at the building itself. The penthouse is two stories tall, with the lounge and grand staircase sitting at ground level and the bathroom, living spaces, and dining room upstairs (It's a really big lounge. Like, much bigger than it needed to be). Taking that into account, when the Lieutenant threw Adam and the dining table out the window, he let his boss fall a good 20 feet down with no way to get back up.

Not having been given a house key to get back inside was Ozpin's fault.

The two Faunus had been stuck outside in the cold night air for a good hour, pounding on the front door hoping to catch someone's attention. If you couldn't have guessed it already, Adam was pissed.

" _IDIOTS!"_ Taurus shouted, kicking up grass, _"BUNCH OF SAVAGES! IDIOTS!"_

"Easy boss…" the Lieutenant comforted, only to be hit in the head by a lump of sod.

"We've been out here how long, and you want to tell me to be calm?! Someone should have heard us by now!"

"I could try throwing you back up through the window."

"No! You're not touching me ever again!"

"Define _touching_."

"Well, look at you two dumbasses," a voice from above called. The two Faunus looked up and saw Roman peering out his window. Every fiber of Adam's being wanted to slash that cheeky grin off his face. "Need some help there?"

"Not from you!" Taurus snapped back, walking up to the door and planting his boot on it.

"Ooh, wrong choice of words there buddy," Torchwick said, shrugging and turning back to the room, "I was just about to go down and open that door for you. But if you say so…"

"No, wait! Roman!"

"Say the magic words…"

Adam could feel his tongue burning. The word physically hurt him to say.

"…Please."

"Please what?"

" _I'm gonna murder you in your sleep –_ I mean, _please_ let us in, Roman."

The crook smirked, clapping once. "Give me five minutes, and I'll be right down." As he shut the window, Adam could have sworn he heard Emerald laughing hysterically up there.

"Alright. Good. This is good," Adam and the Lieutenant stood calmly at the door, staring at its redness.

Twenty minutes later, and Adam began to realize that Roman probably wasn't coming down.

"I don't think we're getting back inside tonight-"

" _What was your first clue dumbass?!"_

* * *

It was around 3 AM, and Jaune couldn't hold it any longer.

Carefully sliding out his bed in his blue bunny onesie, he glanced at the beds of his roommates. Sun was snoring into his pillow, his tail hanging out from the side of his sheets. Mercury had fallen asleep with a copy of Haven Harlots draped across his face. The articles must have been pretty boring in that issue, Jaune figured.

"Ngh… Jaune?" Arc jumped at Pyrrha's tired voice, having figured she was fast asleep like the guys. She rubbed her eyes as she slid up in her bed. Jaune did his best to look away, as the unevenness of her nightie was pretty distracting. "You're still awake?"

"Nah. Just a late-night potty trip. I'll be back soon."

"Oh," Pyrrha yawned, reaching over to her desk lamp, "I'll leave this on for you then."

"Thanks, Pyrrha," Jaune said. He went out into the hall and made a right at its end. He collided with a decorative table, unable to see it in the surprisingly dark corridor. It couldn't have hurt Ozpin to get some interior lighting installed…

Soon, Jaune thought he heard the quiet hiss of running water. He hadn't thought anyone was still in there; heck, he had waited an entire extra hour before getting up to pee just to be safe about it! Who could take so long in the shower-

 _Weiss._

Jaune was quickly flustered at the vision of a soaking wet Weiss stepping out of a misty shower. He propped his hand on the wall to stop the dizziness. He had to go back now; if she saw him here then she'd probably call him a pervert or something. Sighing, Jaune turned to leave with his full bladder when he heard the singing.

It wasn't Weiss in there.

The voice was not as polished as Weiss's was, but it didn't sound terrible. It had almost a haunting quality to it, with a slight rasp created from the back of the throat. They were trying their best not to be heard, keeping their volume to the same loudness as the running water.

His curiosity getting the better of him, Jaune crept closer towards the bathroom. He could make out the words much better now, recognizing the song but not remembering its name. Dog Days of… well, something. The singer was even clapping lightly with herself, trying to pace with the song's beat. Her voice began to spiral into the song's climax, ending the performance nearly out of breath.

Jaune was almost too mesmerized to hear the shower door opening. _"…Oh, crap!"_

Sprinting back down the hall, he tripped on the table again and noisily picked himself up. He returned to his room, catching his breath in the doorway. Pyrrha heard his loud panting, and rose up again.

"You okay Jaune?"

"Yeah. Just someone was still in there. Gonna have to wait a bit longer."

Nikos looked at the clock, then thought about the bathroom schedule. "Oh, that must've been Cinder. She was last on the list, but she should have been in there an hour ago. I wonder why she waited for so long to take one.."

Jaune let that sink in for a second.

"… _Cinder."_

"Yes. Cinder Fall."

"Oh, I heard you. I'm just… kind of shocked, that's all."

"Why?" Pyrrha asked, leaning forward, "Did something happen?"

"No, no. Just never took her for the shy type."


	7. Mornings Are Really Stupid, Aren't They?

**DAY 2/30**

* * *

It was morning, and Ruby awoke with Zwei's fluffy butt in her face. Carefully lifting the sleeping dog off her chest, she stretched her arms and looked at her roommate who were all still asleep. She felt a brief shock when Blake and Yang weren't occupying the other two beds. This was going to take some getting used to.

"Morning!" Ruby waved down the hall to Nora who was headed towards her room to drag Ren out of bed. It seemed there were quite a few morning people here, as Sun was already in the lounge watching TV. Seeing Ruby, the monkey quickly flipped off the children's cartoons for something a bit more masculine.

"How's it goin', Red?" Sun said, _'Remnant's Most Wanted'_ blaring in the background.

"Meh," Rose plopped down on the couch, "Don't think I'll be able to eat cookies for a while after yesterday. So that stinks."

"I think you ate 'em all anyways."

"We could always go to the store and get more."

"Yeah, but that costs money. Something a lot of us don't have right now."

"Aw crap. Forgot about money."

"I bet we could get Roman and Neo to go steal some. They're good at criminal stuff. I mean look," Sun pointed to the TV, "This show seems pretty fond of them."

"I'm really starting to wonder if this thing isn't a set up for them."

There was a heavy pounding on the door, followed by yelling. The two shared a look, with Sun shaking his head to say he wanted no part of it. Being the just girl she was, Ruby went to do the polite thing. Before she could even open the door all the way, Adam and his Lieutenant's bodies stumbled in and nearly crushed her.

"Uh, morning Adam," Ruby winced, "Morning… whatever your name is."

"Actually, my name is-

Adam shoved the Lieutenant away, grasping Ruby's hands in his. The girl cringed under his grip. "Oh, uh, little touchy there Adam."

"You are a saint, Miss Rose," Adam said intently, "Do you know what it's like to sleep out in the cold of night without Blake's body to warm you?"

"Um… I guess not?"

 _"I_ was there for you, boss."

"I told you not to speak of that! That stays between us!"

Ruby looked from Adam and back to the Lieutenant, and then to Sun on the couch. "I'm so confused right now."

"You and me both."

Adam released Ruby's hand, looking to the staircase. "So… Is Blake up yet?"

"I dunno."

"Very well," Adam nodded, "Come Lieutenant. Let's go check on her."

Hesitantly the Lieutenant followed after Taurus as he ascended the stairs. Sighing, Ruby rejoined Sun on the couch to mindlessly stare at the screen. They sat there in awkward silence until Adam's face showed up on screen.

"I probably shouldn't have opened that door, should've I?"

"Probably not, no."

* * *

The sound of the Lieutenant shrieking when Yang attacked him and Adam awoke Emerald. Apparently the two guys had walked in on her changing in search of Blake, and saw much more than they should have.

This was only the first sign assuring her this would be a very shitty day for Emerald. Mercury was the second. He refused to let her use the bathroom, standing in front of it pretending it was occupied.

"I'm waiting my turn," he kept saying, "Just like you have to."

"…I hate you. I hate you so much."

"Keep telling yourself that."

Everyone in this house was insufferable. Pyrrha was too nice. Yang was too loud. Jaune was a dork. Adam was…

Well, Adam was Adam.

Seriously, the only one Emerald liked in this house was Cinder. Roman and Neo weren't that bad, though. At least one of them never talked. All the former had going for him was the stunt he pulled on Taurus last night. If anyone besides those two were her roommates, Emerald would have killed herself by now.

About half an hour after waking up, she found herself in the dining room which was still in shambles after last night. Emerald would be lying to herself if she didn't admit the fight was at least a bit of fun. Hell, she got to throw an entire punch bowl on her boss. Who wouldn't enjoy doing that?

Emerald realized she wasn't alone when she saw Blake Belladonna sitting by one of the overturned tables. The Faunus was reading one of her books and drinking coffee from a busted mug. She noticed Emerald as well, and nodded in greeting. "Good morning."

"Belladonna," Emerald greeted back. She pondered joining the cat at the table. She seemed quiet enough; that was always a good trait in someone. She sat on the opposite side a few seats over, saying nothing.

Five minutes passed.

"Do you like books?" Blake asked.

Sustrai was surprised at her trying to start a conversation. "I don't read much, but I don't read porn."

"What do you read?"

"Historic fiction mostly."

"Try this one," Blake tossed a book over the table to her. Emerald caught it and immediately read the title.

"Is this from the _"Rapunzel Locks"_ series? I thought the author quit writing years ago! I loved these books!"

"She came back with this one not long ago. Felt bad leaving her readers on a cliffhanger. You can have it if you want."

Shocked, Emerald looked at the book and then back at Blake. "You sure you don't want this?"

"I've already read it a couple times. I prefer my _filth,_ as Adam calls it."

"Thank you, Blake," Emerald said in disbelief. No one had bothered to show her even an ounce of kindness like this in years. If she wasn't straight as a line, she would have been gushing all over the Faunus right now.

Time to add someone to the list of people she could tolerate, she figured.

"So, any food in the kitchen?" Emerald asked.

"Not yet. Ren's still working on it."

"Ah. Pancakes I assume."

"Nora wanted waffles today."

The ding of a toaster came from the kitchen, followed by a squeal from Nora. Hearing the girl's voice put Emerald on edge, and she slowly began sliding out of her seat. "Well, nice chatting with you Blake."

"Have a good day."

Emerald was out of sight just as Nora and Ren came in with food. The two JNPR members looked around for someone else.

"Were you talking to someone, Blake?" Ren asked.

"Yeah, that green-haired chick."

"Emerald?"

"Huh. So _that_ was her name. Good thing I didn't call her Neo then."


	8. Ozpin and Qrow Have A Van

_**Realized I had been spelling Pyrrha's name wrong this entire time.**_

 _ **And she's supposed to be my favorite character. Some fan I am.**_ _ **Sorry, Pyrrha. Still love ya.**_

 _ **BTW, this chapter was inspired by a reviewer suggestion, and I tweaked it just a little bit. Shout-out to 'Bigtoenails' for the inspiration!**_

* * *

"So, how does whiskey sound to you?" Qrow asked Ozpin as he viewed the camera feed. The drunk was browsing his laptop looking at 24 hour alcohol delivery services. The headmaster groaned, taking a sip of coffee as Branwen clicked the order tab.

"Is alcohol even necessary for this? You're going to destroy your liver, you know."

"Already killed that part of me a while ago," Qrow smirked, peaking over at the screens, "So, what're they up to?"

"Not much, surprisingly. Miss Xiao Long and Mr. Black are playing video games in the basement. It appears to be a sort of driving simulator game, with an odd amount of guns and explosions."

"Might wanna keep an eye on them. Yang gets pretty competitive with those."

"Will do. Hmm…Miss Valkyrie seems to be asleep in her room. Must have eaten too many waffles-

" _Wait._ You put cameras in their rooms?"

"Is there something wrong with that?" Ozpin asked, with legitimate surprise.

"Uh, yeah," Qrow raised an eyebrow, "First off, it's creepy as hell. Second, they're hormonal teenagers. You're probably gonna see some serious shit one night. You were young like them once, just like I was. We know what they think about."

"…Studying and chess?"

"Goddamn. Even your childhood was boring."

Ozpin continued spying on the housemates, pushing Qrow's insult to the side. "On a side note, I saw Miss Rose let Adam and his associate back into the house earlier. She truly is a kind soul."

"Yeah, letting a psychopath and his just as crazy partner back in was _the best thing_ she could have done in that situation. I'll have to talk with her about that one. God knows her father won't do it."

"How is her father anyways?"

"Let's not talk about him right now."

"Why not? You two were excellent teammates back in the day."

"He knocked up my _sister,_ Oz. He knocked up my _entire team_ because he doesn't know how to keep his pants zipped."

"…So he cheated on you first, I presume."

Qrow rubbed his temples. That alcohol couldn't get here any slower.

"Oh dear," Ozpin said suddenly, "That isn't good."

Qrow immediately stood, leaning in for a better look at the tiny camera feeds. "What happened?"

"You were right about Ms. Xiao Long. See?"

In the uppermost right feed, an angry Yang was pummeling on an unseen Mercury, his body on the ground in front of the couch. The blonde didn't seem too intent on stopping anytime soon.

"Oh, shit," Qrow said, "He cheated."

"How do you know that?"

"Because I've been in his position before. There's a glitch on that map that puts the car in last place at the finish line."

"I don't know much about video games, but that sounds like a serious mistake on the developer's end."

"It sure as hell is," Qrow continued, as Yang continued her assault, "Yang loses her shit whenever someone exploits it. But she'll get over it once she knocks you unconscious."

"That is slightly disturbing."

"And you spying on them isn't?"

"There is a difference between violence and unknown observation. A massive one, at that." Going back to the scuffle, they saw that Yang had vanished. "Well, that is that. Is there anyone you would like to check on in particular?"

"Sorry, but I'm not going to share the role of creeper with you."

"You're watching these screens with me, aren't you?"

"…Just check on Adam."

"Excellent choice."

Ozpin traced his finger over the screen, trying to pinpoint the Faunus on one of the cameras. Soon enough, he was found lying prone in a hallway with his Lieutenant's body thrown on top of him.

"Hmm. Seems he is still unconscious from the beating Miss Xiao Long gave him a few hours ago."

"Should probably talk to both of those girls now," Qrow muttered, "Taiyang can't raise normal kids even if he tried."

"Well, seeing as your choice is currently immobile, I say it is my turn," Ozpin searched again, enlarging the screen when he found his target. "Ah. There she is."

"That's one of _hers_ , isn't it?" Qrow asked, squinting at the girl with obsidian hair, "She looks kinda familiar…"

"Indeed. Cinder Fall is her name. She is quite imposing, compared to the others."

"Is that why she's cuddling with Ruby's dog?"

Sure enough, Cinder was curled up on her bed with Zwei in her arms. She nuzzled her face into the corgi's fluff just like a little girl would. Ozpin and Cinder just stared at the screen, unsure of what to think.

"Are you saving these recordings?" Qrow asked, "This would be some juicy blackmail against her."

"Why _wouldn't_ I be saving this footage?"

They continued watching as Cinder took off her shoe and tossed it for Zwei to fetch. After the dog retrieved it, she picked him up and squeezed him just as the door to her room opened wide and Weiss walked in.

"Oh, this will be good," Qrow pulled his chair over beside Ozpin, leaning in intently as Schnee began laughing and pointing at a flustered Cinder. The former stood up with clenched fists denying her innocence as the Ice Queen continued mocking her. In the blink of an eye, Cinder was on top of Weiss and ripping at her hair. Pyrrha and Jaune came in from off camera to break up the catfight, and Zwei felt it would be a good idea to leap up and bite Arc right in the behind. "…Hey, Ozpin. Weren't you saying that building this penthouse almost broke your bank account?"

"Yes, I did," the Headmaster responded, eyes glued to the screen.

"I think I know how to get you some cash back." Grabbing his laptop, Qrow logged onto Beacon Academy's Student Networking page. He plugged a cord into his device and connected it to Ozpin's camera modem. After a few minutes of clicking and linking, Qrow had a live feed of the cameras online, for any students back at Beacon to watch. "All I gotta do now is set up a donations account, and we can actually benefit from this whole thing."

Wide eyed, Ozpin looked at the laptop. "Won't Glynda find out?"

"What's the worst she can do? Scold us?"

"No. She could hurt us."

"Look, Oz. You're the Headmaster of Beacon Academy, and you're in charge of all this. I'm just helping you out on the business side of things. Now, do you wanna make some bucks off of this or not?"

Ozpin paused, before smirking at Branwen. "You know, this is quite a tone shift for you. Only a few minutes ago you were calling me a creep for spying on these kids, and now you want to broadcast it?"

"You know what they say, Oz: If you can't convince them to stop, just give up and join 'em."

"I believe the exact phrasing is _'If you cannot beat them, join them'_."

"…No wonder Glynda can't stand you."

* * *

Hours passed and day turned to night as Qrow and Ozpin watched their new business venture become an instant success. Students at Beacon were donating in waves to support their fellow classmate's exploitation. Glynda had tried calling Ozpin's phone at least 20 times before sending a threatening text telling them that his punishment would come once they returned to the school. But that was still 29 days away, and the men couldn't have cared less.

"Oh, look!" Qrow pointed, "Sun's got his tail stuck in a door!"

"Where?" Ozpin asked excitedly, "That will surely boost our donation rate!"

With their attention focused on the Faunus' misfortune, the men didn't notice the delivery truck pulling up to the house on the front door camera until it was too late. Out of the corner of his eye, Qrow saw the vehicle drive off, as a giddy Torchwick ran into the house with a crate of whiskey in his hands.

" _Aw shit!"_ Qrow leaped up, stumbling over wires to reach the R.V door, "I knew I shouldn't have put in the house's address for delivery!"

"Wait, what is going on?"

" _They've got my booze!_ I'm going to take it back!"

Before Branwen could leave, Ozpin snagged hold of his cape. "Calm yourself, Qrow. We are only allowed to interfere once. It's in the rules."

"But that's _my_ whiskey! I spent $100 on that crate!"

"I understand your frustration. But think: if we let them have that crate, imagine how many more donations we will receive."

Qrow looked at the Headmaster, dumbfounded. "You're talking about giving alcohol to minors, just for some quick money?"

Ozpin nodded once. Qrow smirked devilishly.

"How the hell did you get anywhere in life?"

"Stretching the truth, Qrow. Many, many, _many_ times."


	9. The Gang Gets Trashed

_**Obligatory PSA: Don't drink, children. This is a story. Don't break the law (or be like Ozpin), or you'll be in some serious shit.**_

* * *

"Special delivery!"

Roman slammed the crate down on the lounge table, his voice catching the attention of all those around him. Most of the house was present, and were instantly curious about the late-night package the crook had brought in. They crammed themselves around the table as Roman pried open the lid to reveal its special contents.

"You gotta be kiddin' me!" Mercury smiled wide, his face still heavily bruised from earlier, "That's Grade-A booze! Where did you get this?"

"Some dude just drove up in a van, and I signed for it," Roman answered, examining one of the bottles, "I figured one of you ordered it or something."

"We are minors!" a concerned Pyrrha answered, "We should not even be in possession of this crate. I say we dispose of it immediately before Ozpin finds out."

" _You_ might be a minor, but _I_ am not," Roman tossed his bottle over to an eager Neo, "And I am most certainly _not_ getting rid of all of this."

Mercury had already opened his own bottle, and was drinking already. "Come on, Nikos. Let loose a little! I bet barely any of you have even tasted this stuff before."

The teens shared glances with each other. Some were still reluctant, while others realized Mercury had a point. When would they ever have an opportunity to try the drink again at their current age? The lines were drawn as the curious ones reached for the crate.

"I don't see the harm in one drink," Blake shrugged.

"Oh, this'll be good," Yang grinned, throwing an arm over the cat, "Always wondered what kind of drunk you would be."

Ruby looked at her two teammates, then at Weiss. "What do you think?"

"It certainly isn't the most dignified drink," Schnee said, looking at her feet, "But I'd be lying if I said I never wanted to taste it."

Before Nora could open her mouth, Ren covered it with his hand. "Sorry. I've seen you with sugar. I don't want to see you intoxicated." As the chef dragged Valkyrie away, who was muffling protests, Pyrrha felt relief in her teammate's resistance to peer pressure. She smiled and looked to Jaune, whom she was sure would agree with staying out of this.

Except that he was already toasting with Mercury.

"Jaune!" Pyrrha exclaimed in disappointment, "What are you doing?"

"What?" Arc shrugged, "There's a first time for everything."

"But…"

"Don't listen to her, Jaune," Mercury smirked, looking directly at Nikos, "She's just afraid you can't handle it. You gotta show her that you can."

"Yeah… Yeah! I can handle this!" It was clear that Jaune couldn't, as he was already slightly red in the cheeks. Seeing this, Pyrrha made her decision.

"Fine, Jaune. But I'm going to stay here and make sure you don't drink yourself sick. Is that okay?"

A loud burp was his response.

Pyrrha just knew this would end badly.

* * *

The first thing Roman did was grab some plastic cups from upstairs after Jaune began yelling _"SHOTS!"_ for a solid minute. Setting up the cups in a circle on the table, the drinking squad took a seat on the floor in front of their drink. Roman stood atop the furniture, a half full bottle in his hand held high.

"On my word… _GO!"_

All seven below him quickly downed their shots, with varying reactions. Being veteran drinkers, Mercury and Neo felt nothing from the single round. Ruby and Weiss gagged immediately as the strong liquid went down their throats, whereas Blake winced slightly at its burning sensation. Yang seemed to handle it the best, shouting and high-fiving an excited Jaune.

"This stuff ain't half-bad!" Yang shouted over the loud club music playing in the background, courtesy of Mercury's portable speakers. Her trailing eyes spotted an observant Pyrrha sitting in the far corner of the room, "You should try some P-Money!"

Nikos raised an eyebrow at Yang's curious nickname for her. "I am good. Please, just pretend I'm not even here."

Jaune had not heard a single word she said over the blaring bass. "Pyrrha! I've got a cup with your name on it!"

' _Stop smiling at me, Jaune,'_ Pyrrha told herself, looking away from his face, "Thank you, but I'll pass."

Shrugging, Arc looked up at Torchwick. "Next round Roman!"

"Aren't you an eager one?" the crook said, bending down to fill everyone's cups, "You might even give Neo a run for her money!" In response, Neo reached up and slapped Roman's behind. Torchwick jumped at the sudden grope, before slapping her hand away. "Bad Neo. Save it for later."

"Yang…" Ruby moaned to her sister, rubbing her head, "I feel a little dizzy."

"Aw, my little sis is a lightweight! Ain't that adorable?"

A flustered Weiss reached over Ruby and grabbed Yang by her shirt. "Don't be mean to _*hic!*_ Ruby! I don't _*hic!*_ like it when you're mean to Ruby!"

The blonde burst into laughter at her quickly intoxicated teammate. "I take it back: _You're_ the lightweight!"

"I am _*hic!*_ not! I'm just… Just kind of fuzzy inside, that's all…"

"I think that's enough for you, Weiss," Blake said, looking at Ruby, "Why don't you take her back to her room and call it a night?"

"Okay…" Ruby nodded, carefully lifting Schnee to her feet. "Up and at 'em, bestie."

"She was _*hic!*_ mean to you Ruby…" Drunk tears started forming in Weiss's eyes, "I don't want you sad…"

As Ruby slowly carried the sobbing Ice Queen up the staircase, Roman looked to the others. "Now that the kids are out of the way, who's ready to _really_ get this party started?"

A collective cheer and another attempted grope from Neo was his answer. Sighing, Pyrrha got up from her seat and took Weiss's previous seat by Jaune. At least now she could keep a closer eye on him.

"Oh hey, Pyrrha!" Jaune threw his arm over the girl, who blushed immediately, "You change your mind?"

"N-No I have not," Pyrrha said, clearing her throat, "I just wanted to make sure none of you get out of hand, that's all."

"Don't bother with her, Arc," Mercury waved Nikos off, "She's just chicken. Let her sit out on the fun!"

" _AND DRINK!"_ Roman announced, as everyone around Pyrrha downed their shot. Pyrrha looked at the empty cup in her hand, and then at Jaune. As much as she wanted to not feel left out, she knew what the right thing to do was. Someone had to be there in case Jaune, or anyone else, got themselves hurt.

...But would one drink really be that bad?

* * *

"Oh, this is getting good," Qrow slapped Ozpin on the shoulder as they watched the live stream of the party, "Looks like Nikos finally gave in. That's sure to raise our donations!"

"Indeed," Ozpin nodded, "We are already at $750,000 lien. Surely we will break one million in due time."

The men silently watched the little screen as Pyrrha downed her first shot.

"…Hey, Oz."

"Yes? What is it?"

"I just realized something."

"What may that be?"

"Couldn't we get like, _arrested_ for this?"

Ozpin let out a little chuckle. "Qrow. In all my years of living, I have learned the art of playing chess. Not just the game, but the real life mechanics of it. And with my techniques, I have found the secret to being able to escape any harmful situation that may come my way."

"…Uh huh. Care to say that in English?"

"For this scenario, I have planned ahead when creating this camera feed. I made sure that it was under the name of another authority figure of our rank to avoid any legal confrontations that may arise from its potential spreading. Any ramifications will be directed towards said person if they occur."

"Still not getting it."

"Look here," Ozpin pointed towards some small text in the bottom right corner of a camera feed. Qrow squinted at the name in question, and grinned as he realized what Ozpin had done.

"Property of General James Ironwood of Atlas Academy."

"And that, Qrow, is checkmate."

* * *

Things had spiraled out of control rapidly after the fourth round of shots when Mercury started turning from smug asshole into drunk asshole. His speech became a series of drunken slurs as he started ranting on about random things, ranging from how much of a bitch Cinder was to the ridiculously high price of his porno mag subscription. Jaune tried having a conversation with him by constantly saying "Yeah, man!" after everything he said. Things got uncomfortable when Neo attempted to engage Roman physically on the couch, but fortunately dozed off in the middle of unbuttoning his shirt. Yang and Blake's entire conversation revolved around talking trash about Adam and about how things would be better without men. Between watching over Jaune and everyone else, Pyrrha could have sworn she saw Adam peeking in on them from behind a corner then running off when Xiao Long said she would strangle him if he showed his face.

By 1:00 in the morning the party had all but died. The drinkers were all over the lounge in different states of intoxication. Mercury had passed out on the table, a pool of spit around his head. Roman had fallen asleep on the couch beside Neo, with the short woman snuggled up close to her boss and wearing his hat. On the other side of the table, Yang was petting a drowsy Blake's who had plopped down on her lap after failing to stay upright. The blonde had undone her bow to watch her cat ears twitch as she ran her fingers through her hair.

"So funny…" Yang giggled, poking the Faunus's ears. Watching the tipsy girl, Pyrrha looked back to her own blonde who was wavering back and forth as he stared at the ceiling. She had only sipped from her cup once (and refused to do it again; how could someone willingly drink this?!), and seemed completely unaffected by the whiskey. Jaune, unfortunately, had downed seven shots total, and was nearly ready to fall over. Pyrrha realized it was time to get him back to their room.

"Come on, Jaune," she said, helping the staggering boy to his feet, "I think it's time for you to get some sleep."

"Ngh… 'kay," he mumbled, throwing his arm over Pyrrha's shoulder as they walked away.

"Have fun, you two~!" Yang slurred in a singsong voice, much to Pyrrha's embarrassment. This was certainly not the way she wanted to confess to her team leader, let alone do anything else with him.

Pyrrha slowly guided him up the stairs and to their room, where she carefully placed him on his bed. Removing his shoes, she pulled his covers over him like a mother did her child. Jaune closed his eyes, quickly slipping into a deep sleep as Pyrrha fluffed his pillow.

"Thanks… Pyrrha…"

Pyrrha blushed at Jaune's mumbling as he went out completely. She stared at his sleeping face for what felt like minutes. He looked so calm, so peaceful… She had never seen him like this before. His soft snoring was music to her ears. He was irresistible.

Glancing over her shoulder to make sure Sun was still asleep, she pressed her lips lightly on his forehead. Smiling softly, Pyrrha laid her head by his arm, using her hands as a pillow as she closed her eyes.

"Don't mention it."


	10. A Day In The Life Of Zwei Rose-Xiao Long

**Day 3/30**

* * *

Every morning, I wake up and realize that my life is quite enjoyable.

Being what I am (a ball of happy, bouncy fluff as Master Taiyang calls me) grants me many benefits and opportunities. Nobody can resist me, for I am cute. That is a fact. Even the vilest of souls have fallen for my smiling charm. Just look at the Crimson Bitch, as Master Ruby's friend Snow White calls her. My Corgi charm is irresistible, and has worked its magic on all those I have met.

Except for one: The Black Cat.

She fears me, for I am cuter than her. Or so I believe. I cannot think of another explanation for her strange behavior. Now that I think about it, most cats are afraid of me. Do all cats envy my fluffy behind?

Regardless, I have found this new home to be quite bizarre. There are many people here I do not know, and after today, many I wish I had the pleasure of never seeing again after this.

My name is Zwei Rose-Xiao Long, and this is a recollection of a day of my life in this crazy home.

* * *

Today's morning was just like any other. I awoke beside Master Ruby, who had returned to her bed while I was asleep last night. Apparently she had opted out of partaking in a _'drinking party'_ after some slight stomach issues. I know that Uncle Qrow enjoys the substance quite much, but it seems the taste for it does not run in the family.

Like always, she scratched behind my ears and set me on the floor. Master Ruby is so kind. My left ear is always itchy in the early hours of the day. If only my legs were not so stubby, then I could save her the trouble.

I look over at the other beds, and see the Crimson Bitch was already gone. Chef was still asleep, as was Snow White. Master Ruby told me not to bother her, as she was having what she called a _'hangover'_. I know not what the term means exactly, but I have seen the wrath of Snow White before and know not to incur it. Just ask the Crimson Bitch how it feels.

You may be wondering how I can identify my human housemates by color. You see, I am an enigma within dog-kind. Unlike my inhibited brethren, I can see the rainbow of colors that is visible to many other animal species on this planet. It is merely another one of the amazing gifts I have been bestowed with upon birth. Its up there with my exceptionally adorable smile and fluffy buttocks.

I stepped out into the hall, and say the Lightning Viking heading to my room once again to awaken Chef. I pity that poor boy. Perhaps I will bring him the gift of a dead bird to please his spirits.

Luckily the door to Master Yang's room was opened, and I could slip right in. To my surprise, she was not within it, nor was The Black Cat. I caught the red-haired one searching through The Black Cat's drawers with the assistance of Pansy-Ass-Bitch (as Master Yang refers to him often). Upon spying me, he threatened to send me into a dark abyss in which I would not return. Truly, he has earned his title of Edgelord.

Not wishing to hear one of his long-winded tirades, I descended the staircase. Hopping down those steps is quite enjoyable, as it makes any human around me lose their composure and bask in my cuteness. Today's victim was The Spartan Princess, a kind soul to everyone and myself. She happily picked me up and took me to the kitchen, where I received a delectable treat for my charming ways.

After consuming my morning snack, I found Master Yang waking up in the lounge. Oddly, she had been holding The Black Cat in her arms while resting on the floor.

That was unacceptable: I am the only black-and-white creature she is allowed to hold.

I approached her and found she was having a slight headache from the activities she had participated in last night. The Black Cat was squirming slightly, awakening once Master Yang released her hold. As she reached out for her, she touched me instead and instantly opened her eyes in shock. Never before had I seen someone escape from drowsiness and sprint away so quickly.

My dominance asserted, I followed Master Yang back to the kitchen, where I would successfully earn more treats for my cuteness.

* * *

The midday was quite mundane. I spent most of it on the couch beside Miss Ice Cream watching the picture screen. I enjoy the multi-colored woman's quiet demeanor; it is a stark contrast from that of my owners and is a nice deviation from the norm. Her acquaintance, however, is a different story. Mr. Candle does not seem too fond of me, possibly due to his distaste towards creatures and Faunus folk. Luckily, Miss Ice Cream defends me from him by taking him away to another room for some time. I know not what she does for him, but she always returns with a smile on her slightly red face and he is nowhere in sight.

I really do not ponder the thought, as I rather enjoy how she scratches my butt. Her nails are slightly longer than Master Ruby's, and do an excellent job of penetrating my fur.

Monkey Boy dropped by once, hopping over the couch and nearly squishing me. I nearly bit his tail in fright, but he apologized by petting my head.

Take note: if you want to be on my good side, pamper me. I will reward you with cuteness.

Per the daily schedule, Master Ruby takes me outside so I can relieve myself. The yard is quite nice, with many bushes to mark as my own. The Jade Ninja was practicing her athletic skills out there, stretching and flipping all over the place. She values physical fitness greatly; an admirable trait if I do say so myself. Though my plump behind and tubby body may suggest otherwise, I too am quite fit for my stature.

I found a present for Chef underneath a large tree. Cardinals are quite a rare find, so I think he will enjoy it greatly.

On another note, I wonder if Uncle Qrow and the other fellow hiding out in the woods will pay me a visit soon. That poorly concealed van does not look like a comfortable place to spend the day.

* * *

My favorite time of day is dinnertime, when I can work my Corgi charms to their fullest. Yesterday I had tested the waters and found out who would feed me the most. Master Ruby sneaks me her vegetables (Master Yang disapproves of this greatly; I myself do not mind), and the Spartan Princess gives me one roll every time I pass by her chair.

One housemate I find great amusement in is her secret crush, Vomit Boy. A quirky yet awkward fellow, he seems nervous around me after my well-intentioned greeting from yesterday. It was only a playful bite to his behind, but he apparently saw it as aggressive. I believe he is in need of a present as well.

Walking underneath the table is a fun experience. So many different legs and shoes for me to sniff. The Black Cat sits cross-legged in her chair so I do not brush up against her. I saw her running her finger along Master Yang's thigh to tease her, and found it unacceptable. I made my presence known to her by barking underneath her spot, causing her to jump up and scurry away.

Another interesting secret I discovered involved the one boy I call Steel Toe. His entire lower legs are mechanical! My curiosity piqued, I decided to conduct a somewhat undignified experiment on him. After marking my territory on his artificial legs to see if they would eventually rust and inhibit his movement, the meal ended and I followed Master Ruby back up to our room. Surprisingly, Edgelord caused no ruckus tonight. I feel Master Yang being there nullified any potential outburst he might have thrown. Why he seeks out the affection of The Black Cat I will never understand.

* * *

Today was quite exhausting, as is any day in the life of a Corgi such as myself. My tiny legs do wear out on me quite quickly, and I find myself tired by sunset. As Master Ruby changed into her pajamas, I retrieved my present for Chef and brought it to her so she could place it under his pillow. After an odd smile, she told me that he would love it before walking briskly out of the room. I do hope she did not hide it for herself; it would be so unlike her to be so selfish. It was a nice cardinal, though. Pristine condition, a perfect find. I would not blame her for being envious of it. She seems well deserved of a gift, now that I ponder it. I would make a list, if not for my lack of opposable thumbs.

Master Ruby plopped me back up on her bed, and I made myself into the comfortable position that I sit in right now as I recollect my thoughts. I look forward to what tomorrow may bring, and expect some sort of mischief to happen. Today was surprisingly calm, and I doubt the people of this household can keep this kind of mellow environment for two consecutive days.

Until next time, chaps.

 _~Zwei Rose-Xiao Long._


	11. Operation Matador: Tercio de Varas

**Day 4/30**

* * *

"Why do I feel that you're lying to me?"

Sun gave Mercury a look of disbelief. The Faunus had received a text from the assassin to meet in their room, having some secret he needed to share with him. He was hesitant at first, but curiosity got the better of him. Now having heard what Mercury had to say, he was feeling like he should have just stayed in the lounge on the couch.

"I'm serious, man!" Black exclaimed, "I woke up that morning, and I saw them together on the floor! If I my head wasn't pounding like a bitch, I would've snapped a picture of it!"

"Dude, Blake is _not_ a lesbian."

"Then what was she doin' all nice and cozy with Yang?"

"They were tired. Girls are allowed to sleep together and not get it on, you know."

"Let's agree to disagree about that. Takes away from the imagination."

"So are we done here? I've got a lot of other things I'd rather do than listen to you perv on my friends."

"Not yet. Gotta tell you the plan."

"The plan? What plan?"

Mercury clapped his hands together, rubbing them maniacally. "Here's the deal. Now, we all know the shit Adam puts everyone through in trying to get Blake. Right?"

Sun had no choice but to nod. Taurus's lust for the cat was ridiculous.

"So what we gotta do is make him at least _think_ Blake is after the other team."

"That's dumb."

"Shut up. This is for the good of everyone. What I need you to do is talk to Blake. Tell her to make fake moves on Yang whenever Adam is around."

"No way! I'm not telling her to do that! It's creepy!"

"Better you doing it than me. I have my own part to play."

Sun folded his arms. "Really now?"

"While you get Blake and Yang to lust over each other, I'm going to point Adam in the direction of someone else. Someone far, far away from here." Black pulled out his laptop and brought up a bookmarked tab, showing it to Sun.

"…A dating website. You're putting _Adam-freaking-Taurus_ on a dating website."

"There's someone out there for everybody, Wukong."

"Then why not let his Lieutenant have him? He already follows him like a stray mutt."

"I already talked with that goon about this. He said as long as we stop him from going after Blake and better his own weird-ass intentions, he's cool with it."

Rubbing his temples, Sun tried to comprehend this crazy plan. "There's no way this'll work. I'm telling you that right now, Merc. This is a waste of time."

"You'll see, Wukong. Mark my words. Now, are you in?"

The monkey weighed his options. Either try to get Adam to shut up by making his friend play lesbian, or let the madman be. Both were quite terrible options, but one was clearly worse.

"…Let me go find Blake."

"I knew you'd see it my way. _Operation: Matador_ is a go."

* * *

Sun found Blake with the rest of her team in the game room, the four girls playing the same racing game Mercury had received his bruised eye from. He was really hoping Blake would be alone for this, but then again he was probably going to get smacked regardless. He approached the girls as they finished their latest race.

"Woo-hoo!" Ruby cheered, throwing her hands up, "I win! I win!"

"You knocked me into the guardrail!" Weiss snapped at Rose, "I demand a rematch!"

"At least she didn't cheat," Yang shrugged when she finally noticed Sun watching. "Hey, Monkey Man. You wanna join us?"

"Uh, nah. Maybe another time." He could feel Blake smiling at him, and could already feel the sting of the slap he would be getting soon.

"Then what's up?" Blake asked, "You have something to ask us?"

Deep breath, Sun.

"I need you to act lesbian for Yang."

 _*WHAM!*_

Yeah, that came out real well. Sun kind of wished Yang would have used an open hand instead of a closed one.

"Who told you to say that, Sun?" Blake narrowed her eyes at him, going into predator mode, "Because I know you aren't dumb enough to say that with a straight face."

Rubbing his cheek, Sun got off the floor and sat on the arm of the couch by Ruby. "Look, I know how it sounds but I think it'll get Adam off your back. Mercury said he saw you and Yang-

Blake's hand immediately smothered his mouth. "We were drunk. The floor was cold. That's all there is to it."

"Wait, I don't get it," Ruby looked at her teammates, "What happened after we left?"

"Can you and Weiss excuse us, Ruby?" Yang asked her sister, glaring at Sun, "Go check on Zwei. He probably needs to go outside."

"Message received, sis."

Once Ruby and Weiss were gone, Sun tapped Blake's hand for permission to speak. He cleared his throat as she removed her grip. "If it sounds like I'm being creepy, then I'm sorry. But we're all sick of Adam, aren't we? Think about it. We have to spend 26 more days with him trying to get you Blake. Shouldn't we get rid of the problem before it gets worse?"

Blake and Yang shared a look. Last night had been pretty bad Adam-wise, as he had stood over Blake's bed for over an hour just staring blankly at her. If Yang hadn't woken up to use the bathroom, he would have been there all night and not in the hall where he belonged.

"Why does it have to be us though?" Yang asked, pointing at herself and Blake, "Why not her and _you_ instead?"

The two Faunus blushed immediately before Sun objected. "Because he's afraid of _you,_ not me Yang. And you two are always together anyways. It would make him feel like he has literally no chance if Blake's with a girl. _In theory."_

The girls turned away from him, whispering things. Just as quickly they turned back.

"We'll do it," Blake said sternly, "But you have to do something for us."

"Sure, whatever. Just as long as you guys are in on this. What do I gotta do?"

"Oh no, we're not going to tell you. Not until we need you to do it. That'll spoil the surprise."

Sun gulped nervously. Whatever it was they had planned, he had a feeling he wouldn't like it. "It won't hurt, will it?"

"We'll see. Now, what exactly do me and my _'girlfriend'_ have to do?"

* * *

"So, have you heard the news?"

"Heard what?" Adam took his attention away from his notebook and gave it to his Lieutenant, "It better be good. I'm quite busy right now with my plans to get Blake back. Do you think she would like it if I serenaded her? Or is it not physical enough?"

"You might want to put a hold on that, boss," the Lieutenant put an endearing hand on his shoulder, "She's moved on."

"Stop touching me. And you're lying. She has only eyes for me. She cannot leave me."

"About that. I've heard from the others she is playing with her own team, if you get what I'm saying."

"No. No, I don't."

"She's, uh, not exactly after our kind."

"What, she wants humans now?"

"Certain humans. As in girls."

"... Are you snorting dust again?"

Having been eavesdropping from outside the room, Mercury made his entrance with laptop in hand. "Hey-hey, Adam! What's going on, buddy?"

"Is this some sort of joke?" Adam glared at Black as he pulled up a chair beside the Lieutenant.

"I don't know what you're talking about," Mercury grinned slyly, "But I couldn't help but overhear you guys' conversation. Your boy's right, Taurus. Blake's getting' her freak on with Xiao Long. I saw it with my own eyes the other night."

"Weren't you drunk off your ass the other night?"

"That's beside the point," Mercury replied, opening the dating website, "I figured that we should start trying to find you another woman who would actually want to get it on with you. You follow me?"

"No. I need no one besides Blake."

"He's funny, ain't he?" Mercury elbowed the Lieutenant's side, prompting him to get out his camera. "Now, we're going to take your picture for this site. You're bound to get some sort of match on here."

"I'm not going to use it."

The Lieutenant took aim at his boss. "Come on, boss. Give me a smile!"

 _*CLICK!*_

Mercury and the Lieutenant immediately looked at Adam's new profile pic. It wasn't exactly the most charismatic headshot, but it would do.

"He's not smiling."

"Don't worry about it," Black muttered, "Alright Adam, we need you to answer a couple questions. Just be honest about 'em, got it?"

"Make it quick," the Faunus spat back.

"Question 1: What do you look for in a woman?"

"Black hair."

"Didn't see that coming," Mercury groaned, typing it in, "Anything else?"

"She must be obedient and never leave me."

"I'm not putting that in."

"Why not?"

"Because no woman will even want to meet you if they read that! "

"I don't see a problem," the Lieutenant shrugged, "Some people like to be treated like garbage. It's not that bad, really."

"Fine. Alright, next question. What do you enjoy doing in your spare time?"

"Waging revolutions as a shadow of the night."

"…I'll put club hopping."

"I don't even know what that means-

"Okay, give me a brief description of how you see yourself."

"Why do you need that?"

Mercury was just about ready to give up on the guy. "Look, it's for the goddamn profile. Just say something."

"Fine," Adam exasperated, quickly putting something together, "I am all, yet I am nothing. I am a God, but also a man. My wrath equals my compassion, yet one exceeds the other. I am a warrior at heart, and a beast in mind. I will show you respect if you worship at my feet. Now be my woman, or I will make you my woman."

Silence. Mercury still wasn't quite sure he had just heard that, while the Lieutenant was practically drooling from underneath his mask.

"Will that do?" Adam asked impatiently, "I am in the middle of something."

"Uh, yeah. Sure. I'll just email you your account password later. Remember to check it often."

"Please leave."

Receiving a thumbs up from the Lieutenant as he hastily left the room, Mercury realized that he should have just made shit up from the get go.

* * *

Later that night, Sun and Mercury regrouped within their room so the former could see Adam's new profile. Pyrrha and Jaune were present, and the guys filled them in on their scheme.

"Well, this explains why Yang and Blake were holding hands earlier," Pyrrha remarked as she read over Adam's profile, "But this information here doesn't seem too… _accurate."_

"That's because it isn't. His answers were stupid."

"Then how will this find him a suitable partner if it's just lies?"

"There's someone out there for everyone. Even freaks like him."

"As long as he's away from Blake, I'm fine with it," Sun added, "It'll make life easier for her, me, and everyone else here."

After thinking hard over his words, Jaune decided to speak up anyways. "So what exactly do Yang and Blake have to do? Like, how far are they taking this?"

Pyrrha bopped him on the temple with her palm. "Must you ask that?"

"I was just curious…"

" _Holy shit!"_ Mercury shouted, pointing at the screen, "Some chick already messaged him!"

In disbelief, the other roommates crowded around the glowing screen to see it with their own eyes. There certainly was a message for Adam. But then they saw the name behind it.

" _Sexy_Chainsaw#069,"_ Jaune read slowly, "What a weird username."

Sun realized Mercury was right. There certainly was someone out there for everybody.


	12. The Implication

_**Some pretty dark humor this chapter. You've been warned.**_

 _ **If you've ever seen Its Always Sunny In Philadelphia (been watching too much of that lately...), you'll get the reference. Youtube "The Implication" after reading the chapter if you haven't. Its worth the two minutes. Trust me.**_

* * *

There were few things that Cinder really enjoyed doing. Aside from following through with her plans to become the Fall Maiden (which had now been postponed indefinitely now that she was stuck here), there was the exceptionally rare time when she was alone and could practice her high notes. Aside from that, her life was actually pretty dull.

At least she had her diary.

Cinder never let that little black book leave her side. She had sewn a hidden pocket on the inside of her dress to keep it close at all times, and kept it under her pillow when she slept. Only one person had ever read it's contents before, and you could say they didn't enjoy becoming literal dust in the wind. That was the day Cinder went from having three bitchy step sisters to none at all (the other two had to go, just to be safe).

Today's entry was less words and more doodling. She sat on her bed, watching Zwei play with Ruby in the center of the room out of the corner of her eye. Trying to capture his gleefulness in pencil was nearly impossible to perfect; it was much harder than drawing Weiss with an arrow through her thick, spoiled brat skull. Oh, if only she had her bow…

"Ruby," Schnee yawned, sitting on Ruby's bottom bed painting her toenails an icy blue, "It's practically midnight. Is it really necessary to be so loud right now?"

Rose hoisted Zwei up into her arms, cradling him like a baby. "Really? Guess I lost track of time."

"Give me Zwei for tonight," Weiss said, holding her arms out for the dog, "I'll protect him from Miss Prissy Slippers over there."

Cinder shot her own glare back at the Ice Queen. She wasn't having any more of her disrespect tonight. Besides, she had a plan. She always had a plan. "There's no need for Zwei to sleep beside her. Let him decide who he wants himself."

"I dunno…" Ruby said, biting her lip, "He hasn't really napped with anyone not part of our team before."

Weiss looked suspiciously at her. She knew something was up. "I don't think so, Cinder. Zwei is better off with one of us."

"Ruby," Cinder put on her best fake friendly smile, "These past couple days have been awkward between us three, I will admit. I want to try and fix that. So please, put Zwei down. I am not as bad as Weiss makes me out to be."

Pondering the thought, Ruby shrugged her shoulders. "Well, Weiss did catch you playing with him the other day..." She put the Corgi down on his little legs and sat down by Weiss. "Go on buddy! It's all up to you!"

Zwei stood between the girls, looking back and forth between them. Master Ruby's smile was alluring, and he enjoyed how Snow White massaged his paws. But there was something alluring about the Crimson Bitch tonight. Maybe it was that delicious smell emanating from her fist…

Cinder smirked slightly as she noticed the Corgi's nose twitch. She moved her closed hand forward slightly, beckoning the dog with the treat concealed within it. Dogs could not resist the smell of an icing covered biscuit. As Zwei's front leg stepped in her direction, Cinder could taste sweet, sweet victory...

And then Ren walked in.

"Hey girls. Sorry I'm back so late. Nora wanted a tray of muffins, and by the time I finished making them she was asleep. I brought them up with me in case any of you wanted some."

Zwei made his decision quick. He bolted straight towards Ren, rearing up on his hind legs to try and reach the delicacies above.

"Guess you've got a bed buddy, Ren," Ruby giggled, diving under her own covers, "Nightie-night everyone!"

Wanting one more jab at her nemesis, Weiss stuck her tongue out at Cinder before climbing up to her own bed. Slamming her diary shut, Cinder tucked it underneath her as Ren lifted his muffins up onto his bed. She was about to slip under her sheets when she felt a small weight drop down by her feet.

"You can have Zwei for tonight," Ren said from up above, "Those are chocolate chip muffins. Not good for his kind."

Cinder blinked twice in disbelief as the Corgi dug his snout into her hand and snagged the treat. Deciding not to think too much about the act of kindness, she scratched behind Zwei's ears and smiled softly. Even the littlest of victories counted for something.

* * *

It was inevitable, but Yang and Blake had finally locked Adam and the Lieutenant out of their room.

Taurus knew very well that they were in there. He could hear them giggling the whole time he was pounding on the door, demanding they let him in or suffer the consequences. After an hour of no response, he took his spot on the couch downstairs as the Lieutenant made him a glass of warm milk in the kitchen. It was a good thing Adam had his notebook on hand, otherwise he wouldn't have finally thought of the perfect plan to get his darling back.

"So," the Lieutenant came back, handing Adam his beverage and a plate of cookies, "Have you checked your dating profile lately?"

"Like I said earlier, it won't be necessary," Adam grinned from ear to ear, "I've finally come up with the perfect method to win Blake over."

"Oh…" there was disappointment in the Lieutenant's voice, "Care to explain, boss?"

"You see, I've realized that I cannot be passive in my approach to her. It only results in failure. So, I have to be as direct and aggressive as possible to get what I want."

"Sounds pretty violent, boss."

"It may _sound_ that way, but it isn't. Now, here's what I'm going to do. Once Blake is alone in our room, I'm going to close the door, lock it, and sit on her bed with her. Once we're side by side, I'll put my arm around her and ask politely that she returns to me."

The Lieutenant was getting that feeling of uneasiness in his stomach again. "That sounds surprisingly simple…"

"Oh, it is. Because here's the thing: She'll have no choice but to say yes."

"Why's that?"

"Well, because of _The Implication_."

Silence. Dead, awkward silence. Silence so quiet that you could hear Jaune snoring from upstairs.

"I'm not following you, boss."

"What's there not to follow? She's in the room with me, a locked room I may add, with nowhere to run. So her first thoughts going to be, _'What am I going to do, say no?'_ And then she'll fall into my arms where she belongs."

The Lieutenant stared at Adam, unblinking beneath his mask. "Boss. We've done some pretty unethical things in the past but that… _That_ sounds really bad."

"No, you're misunderstanding me. If she says no, then of course the answer will be no. But she _won't_ say no because of _The Implication_."

"You said that word again. What do you mean by that?"

" _The Implication_ means that things _may_ go badly if she refuses my demand. Now, if she does say no then things will get physical, but she won't even bother saying no because of _The Implication._ "

"But it sounds like she might _want_ to say no-

"What are you not getting, you imbecile?" Adam nonchalantly grabbed a cookie and took a bite. "She can't say no because she'll know better than to say it! It's a perfect plan!"

"No its not, boss! The minute the Blonde Demon or anyone in the house finds out about you doing that, we're _both_ going to die! Or thrown in prison, at the very least!"

Furious, Adam chugged down his entire glass of milk and stood up. He slammed the cup down with a full milk mustache on his face. "How are you not understanding this?! I am not going to hurt Blake! Its simple logic, that's all! It's her duty to obey my command!"

It was then the two Faunus realized they had company. Emerald was standing at the bottom of the staircase looking at them, her eyes tired and annoyed from their shouting. "I don't even want to know what the hell you two are talking about."

"What?" Adam shrugged, "It's not like _you'd_ be in any danger."

"So you _are_ going to hurt her!" the Lieutenant stood up, knocking the cookie out of Adam's hand.

"Hey! That was my cookie, you son of a bitch!"

"How would you even survive here without me?! You would have been dead on day one if you pulled something as crazy as that off!"

"Oh, and you're no different? You threw me and a goddamn table out of the window!"

"I was protecting you!"

Rather than listen to these idiots bicker, Emerald trudged her way back upstairs. She'd make a note to tell Blake that Yang should break Adam's face first thing in the morning. And probably call the cops.

Yeah, definitely call the cops.


	13. The Gang Inflicts Corporal Punishment

**Day 5/30**

* * *

Ozpin and Qrow's only interference was used up sooner than expected.

The two men had awoken to check the livestream, and saw many panicked messages from viewers that authorities were showing up outside the house. In fear of losing his revenue, Ozpin immediately bolted to the house as one of the officers stepped through the doors in search of a man suspected of potential domestic abuse. While running, Oz called Yang's cell phone to tell them to hide Adam as he distracted (i.e. bribed) the police. She was more than happy to use force on the Faunus, and opted to shove him into the small cupboard below the kitchen sink. It was a tight fit, but Adam was surprisingly flexible if Yang's words were to be believed.

Realizing that this incident had only occurred on the 5th day out of 30, Ozpin felt the need to address the housemates. He ordered them to get changed quickly and to meet him in the lounge for a debriefing. By noon, everyone was present and before him.

"Hello everyone," Ozpin began, sipping from his mug as he stood on the lounge table over the group, "I think you know what I am about to address. Sometime this morning, one of you felt it would be wise to file a false claim of criminal activity upon one of your housemates. I for one find that despicable, and hope not to discover which one of you was responsible."

A sore Adam nodded in agreement. "And once _I_ find out who did so, I will bring my fury down upon you, like the crossing of a thousand-

"That's enough, Mr. Taurus," Ozpin silenced the Faunus with a sharp whack from his cane, "Now, I just want to say that I have been pleased with your progress before this incident. There were some rough bumps, but most of you are adjusting to this situation quite well-

"There better not be a camera in the bathroom," Emerald interrupted, to Ozpin's surprise.

"…I'm sorry, Miss Sustrai?"

"The cameras. You now, the ones planted all over the house? Better not be watching me shower, old man."

"I have no clue as to what cameras you're talking about," Ozpin lied blatantly, with a smile on his face, "As Headmaster of the prestigious Beacon Academy, I would never allow myself to stoop to spying on-

Emerald placed one of the cameras on the table, its lens cracked. "You were saying?"

"Where did you get that?"

"From my room," Emerald glared, "Found it under my desk. Went looking for more, but apparently you hid those ones much better than you did this one."

The rest of the group began muttering among themselves about being spied on, with more eyes pointed at an anxious Ozpin.

"What things have you seen us do, Ozpin?" Cinder asked coldly, "Horrible things happen to those who invade other's privacy."

"There is no need for anyone to feel alarmed," Ozpin sighed, trying to calm everyone down, "The cameras are merely there so I can come and stop any extreme behavior, such as calling the police. There is nothing more to it than that. I promise."

Yes, that was a lie and Ozpin knew it. Revealing that he was making lien off of their antics by showing them to their comrades back at school would be the worst thing to do right now. Maybe when this was all said and done he'd tell them. Emphasis on maybe. Either way, he was ready to make his escape.

"I must apologize, but I must be on my way. I hope that you can all continue to coexist without any need to call the authorities on each other. If you are ever in need of assistance with any sort of trouble, I will be here to help."

"Actually, I-

Blake tried to catch the man's attention, but he had already bolted out the door. Sighing, she glared over at Adam. "If you even _think_ about trying that plan Emerald told me about, I will castrate you on the spot. I don't care if I get in trouble for it. _I will hurt you._ Do you understand?"

Adam looked like he was about to retort, but a deadly look from Yang made him think otherwise. Nodding in defeat, Adam got up and left to get some Aspirin for his aching bones. He didn't even notice that the Lieutenant hadn't gotten up to follow him.

Once she felt that Adam was out of range, Blake stood up. "Alright, everyone. It's time we did something about him and his behavior. Any ideas?"

"Let's break his legs!"

"No, Nora. As much as I wish we could, it won't make us any better than him."

"We could make him live outside in a doghouse or something," Jaune suggested.

"Oh, I like that one."

"Someone needs to take care of him out there, that's for sure," the Lieutenant said, "Because I'm not going to do it for a while."

"Wow," Yang said, her voice making the masked man flinch, "Never thought you'd be one to turn against him."

"Well, he never looked at the message I sent him online. Pretty bitter about that. And also for never listening to me when I say he's going too far. I always end up on the bad side of things along with him. He deserves this punishment."

"Wait a minute," Ruby said, "What do you mean by take care of him? You mean like how gangsters do it in the movies?"

"Oh no, that's not what I meant by taking care of him. Someone has to _literally take care of him_. You know, feed him, play with him, and set out clothes out for him. Stuff like that."

"…You can't be serious," Sun asked, slack jawed.

"Oh, I am. He's like a little kid, but bigger. And handsomer. He'd probably die after a day or two of no one watching him. No joke."

Blake pinched her brow. As much as she wanted him to suffer, she fully believed what the Lieutenant was saying. She _had_ dated him, and remembered just how dependent he was on her. The guy could barely perform basic Faunus functions (like tying his shoes) without messing something up. She hated to put it upon someone, but Adam needed a babysitter.

"Okay… So who's going to watch him?"

Nobody looked Blake in the eyes, in fear that she would select them for the task. Trying to be supportive, Pyrrha stood up with Blake. "Come on, everyone. Someone has to do it. It's only until he realizes what he's done wrong. We can't just let him die…unfortunately…"

"I have a solution," Cinder said, pulling a pen and paper out from her dress. She took Roman's hat off his head, and began writing names on the paper. "We'll draw the name from a hat. Whoever is chosen is the unlucky winner."

"Why do you have paper in your dress?" Mercury asked, "Couldn't find a push-up?"

A simple look from Cinder told him it would be wise to shut up.

"That's actually a good idea, coming from you," Weiss complemented her nemesis, oblivious that Cinder had written her name on seven separate slips of paper. After dropping 15 pieces into the hat (excluding ones for Blake and the Lieutenant), she handed it to Blake to draw the 'winner'.

"Alright…" Blake moved her fingers over the slips, before pulling out one between her fingers. She unfolded it, and immediately felt sorry for the person whose name was on that piece of paper.

"Well?" Pyrrha asked, "Who is it going to be?"

"You."

Pyrrha was really regretting having been so supportive right about now.

"…Are you sure?"

* * *

Adam was sitting alone in the dining room trying to think of his next plan. Now that The Implication was well and neutered, he was basically out of ideas. As he racked his brain, he felt his stomach making that deep sound again. Was this hunger again?

"Lieutenant!" Adam ordered loudly, "I require food!"

He sat there for a few moment, expecting a plate to appear before him. When nothing happened, he looked around to see his underling was nowhere to be seen.

"Huh. This is new."

This was only a minor setback. Adam knew that the Lieutenant would here here any moment to bring him nutrition. And to tie this pesky shoe that had become unlaced. If the shoe was alive, Adam would have strangled it for that.

"Lieutenant! Food!"

Still nothing.

"Hm. Guess I'm not eating today."

Hiding just outside the room, Pyrrha was beginning to realize just what she was throwing herself into. She had wished Jaune had come along for this; she could really use a smile to uplift her spirits right now. Taking a long breath, she stepped in and put on a big fake smile. "Hello Adam!"

Taurus was dumbstruck upon seeing the girl. "Nikos, have you seen my Lieutenant? He needs to feed me."

"I am afraid he is… sick right now," Pyrrha fibbed, "Until he is feeling better, or until you learn to fend for yourself, I will be here in his place."

"I see," Adam answered, stroking his chin, "Well then, I require food."

"Anything in particular?"

"…Skittles. I want Skittles."

Not having seen Taurus as a candy lover, Pyrrha obliged regardless. She went into the kitchen and brought Adam back a pack of the candy. She handed it to him, but he refused to grab it. "Is something wrong?"

"You need to open it."

"Why?"

"The Lieutenant always opens the bag for me. So do you."

"Alright then," Pyrrha sighed, tearing the pack across its top, "Here you go."

Adam took it and peered at the candies within. His mouth curled back in disgust. "I can't eat these."

"Let me see them," Nikos inspected the Skittles carefully, "What do you mean? They are all intact, and are not expired. There is nothing wrong with them."

"The green ones. I'm not allowed to eat the green ones."

"Then I will remove them," Pyrrha exasperated as she began picking them out one by one.

" _No!_ They already touched the others! They're contaminated!"

"How? They all taste the same! It's only the color-

" _I do not LIKE the green ones! I am not ALLOWED to eat anything touching the green ones! I am not ALLOWED!"_

She snapped.

For the first time in years, Pyrrha lost her composure. And it only took one minute for this sociopath to break her.

" _OKAY! I will get you another bag! One without any green ones! Please, just stop yelling!"_

Adam gave her the most innocent little smile. "M'kay."

She stomped into the kitchen, throwing the open bag in the trash and grabbing another one. Tearing it open, she began picking and moving all the non-green ones to a small paper plate. She walked slowly out to the dining room, making sure not to spill the candies in her hand. "Okay, one plate of non-green Skittles coming up-

And he was gone.

Pyrrha did a double take, making sure he wasn't hiding or something. Closing her eyes, she walked back into the kitchen. She apologized to an absent Ren as she chucked the plate across the room. What did she do to deserve this?

A better question yet: Why in God's name did the Lieutenant chose to live like this?!


	14. Just Do It

"I never knew you were good with this kind of stuff."

Studying the blueprints to Adam's new outside abode drawn out by Ren, Jaune passed a hammer to his teammate. They had started working on the man-sized doghouse immediately after Blake's rally had ended, with Nora bringing the two supplies from the shed out back. The girl had just returned with even more plywood, dropping the planks by Ren.

"There's many things I'm good at," Ren answered with a nail between his teeth, "When you are living with another orphan with no parents to guide you, its kind of a given to learn these skills. Most of them are too practical for our activities at Beacon other than cooking so I don't exactly display them much."

"Oh, you should've seen the tire swing Ren made out of logs once!" Nora slapped her partner on the shoulder, causing him to smash his fingers with the hammer, "It was incredible! Well, until I smashed it with my hammer one day while practicing my swing. He didn't like that very much."

"You've always been destructive when you're not trying to be," Ren sighed, ignoring his aching finger and working again, "Some habits die slowly, it seems."

"Aw, but I've been trying so hard!"

"Somehow, I doubt that," Jaune said, looking at two paint buckets, "So, what color are we going with? Red or white?"

"Ooh!" Nora's eyes lit up in excitement, "Let's mix 'em and make pink!"

"I don't think Adam will like that very much, Nora."

"Isn't that the point?" Ren shrugged.

"…Pink it is, then."

Pouring out even amounts of the paints onto a board, Jaune started blending the two colors with a brush when he heard a familiar voice calling for Adam. Jaune waved to Pyrrha, and the girl rushed over to them. She looked physically stressed, with her bangs messy and eyes wide.

"Whoa," Jaune said, looking over the usually composed Nikos, "Are you okay?"

"I lost him," Pyrrha panted, hands on her knees, "I turned away for a second and he ran off somewhere. I've been asking everyone if they've seen him, and Roman said he went outside."

"We haven't seen him," Ren said, "But then again, we have been busy with this. I doubt he could have went very far."

"I knew we should've broke his legs," Nora added, "But nobody ever likes doing things the fun way."

Pyrrha crumpled down beside Jaune, fixing her hair. "How can one man be such a burden to everyone around him? He acts just like a child and not the good kind."

"I knew he was a nut job the moment we met him on the bus," Jaune moved a strand of Pyrrha's hair into place for her with his finger. The slight action made Pyrrha turn away and blush. "Uh, you okay?"

" _Yes!_ Yes… I'm okay. It's just… I feel so much more pity for Blake right now. I doubt she ever felt any sort of tenderness when she was with-

And then it hit her.

" _Oh no!"_

"Pyrrha- _Whoa!"_ She leaped up in a flash, nearly knocking Jaune on his back. The blonde stumbled to his feet to follow her. "Hold up! Where are you going?!"

" _He's going after Blake!"_

As the two dashed back to the house, Ren and Nora stayed right where they were trying to catch back up to what was happening. Not wanting to get involved with Taurus any more than he already was, Ren went right back to work. Nora, however, was eyeing the tool in his hand.

"Can I use the hammer now Ren-

"No. Mix the paint please."

"Aw, poop."

* * *

Nodding her head to the music blaring in her earphones, Yang sat in the bunk above Blake who was busy reading one of her novels. The two were enjoying their alone time, putting a Do Not Disturb sign on the door to send away any visitors. Knowing that Pyrrha would be keeping Adam occupied for at least a few hours, they could relax without having to watch out for him for once. Speaking of the Faunus, there had been something that had been eating away at Yang for a while. Now seemed like a better time than any to ask.

"Hey Blake," Yang peeked down at Blake from above, "What _did_ you ever see in Adam?"

The cat snapped her novel shut, sighing. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Oh, come on Blake. I think it's only right you tell me. Couples shouldn't share secrets."

"Do you have to say it like that? You realize we only have to keep up the act until Adam gets the point."

Yang dropped down from above, landing on her feet. "I know. But it gets you flustered so easily. How can I not use it to my advantage?"

"I'm still not telling you."

A devious smile spread across Yang's face. "Then I'll make you!"

Before Blake could react, the blonde leaped on top of her. Taking off her bow, she exposed Blake's sensitive Faunus ears and began to tickle them. Yang wrapped her legs around her torso and held the cat in a submission hold, leaving Blake defenseless and unable to escape the assault.

" _Please!"_ Blake laughed with tears in her eyes, _"Stop! Stop it!"_

"Then tell me!"

" _Okay! Okay! I'll-_

 _ ***BANG! BANG!***_

The girls froze upon hearing the two loud knocks on their door.

"Blake!" Adam bellowed from outside, "I know you're in there! Open this door or I will!"

Thinking quick, Yang released her hold on Blake and flipped on top of her. "Go away, Adam! We're _busy!"_

Blake's eyes widened in a mixture of shock and anger as to what Yang was implying they were doing. The blonde shushed her as she waited for Adam to answer.

"Do you think I care, blonde one? It is my right to see my Blake, no matter what situation she is in!"

"You really don't want to come in here!" Yang replied. Covering Blake's mouth, she ruffled up her hair and undid the first few buttons of her shirt. She did the same to herself to make their position look more convincing.

" _Too late."_

The door kicked open, and Adam stepped inside to see what he saw as his Blake and Yang in the middle of a very intimate cuddling session. Blake's cries of protest were muffled into Yang's shoulder as the blonde glared at the intruder. "I told you not to come in here."

"This is my room as well," Adam answered, "Now, release my Blake so she can speak to me."

Hesitantly, Yang let go of Blake. The cat caught her breath as Adam looked on coldly. As much as she hated putting on the charade, right now she had little choice but to do so. "Get out of here, Adam. Yang and I are… _busy."_

"I know," Adam replied, sitting down on his bed, "I want to watch."

You know that feeling you get in in your gut when you realize you're fucked? Yeah, that's exactly what Yang and Blake were feeling right now.

"Y-You're joking."

"I am not," Adam rested his chin on his fist, eyeing Blake like a hawk, "I need to see if you truly have moved on from me. If I feel that you two truly are meant for one another, I will relinquish my ownership of you over to the blonde one. I swear upon my honor as a man."

"Yeah, a man who can't even tie his shoes."

"That is not important right now. All that matters is that you engage her, Blake. _Right. Now."_

Blake looked nervously at Yang, who was herself feeling uneasy. Joking about this was one thing; actually going further was a whole different ball game.

"Well, go on," Adam urged, smirking in light of his inevitable victory, "Prove me wrong. Kiss her, Blake. _Do it."_

The girls had two choices: 1) Let Adam win, and continue to cause trouble for the entire house, or 2) Get uncomfortably close to their teammate. One was simple but selfish, the other very awkward but for the greater good.

Looking back on it, they really only had one choice.

Blake and Yang stared at each other, both taking deep breaths. Closing their eyes and picturing someone else, they leaned slowly in towards each other with pursed lips. Adam began to fidget in his seat in fear that his beloved was finally out of his grasp as the two girls grew closer and closer towards each other…


	15. Something Something Lesbian Joke

The opening credits to _Burning Passion and Bullets 5_ rolled up the TV screen, and the Lieutenant hopped into his seat to watch Ruby's favorite movie on the big screen downstairs. With his daily life not being overtaken by his babysitting duties for once, the White Fang member was trying to make amends with others in the house. Figuring Ruby was one of the more forgiving residents, he invited her along with Sun to waste a few hours on a movie. To his dismay, Ruby had dragged that filthy Schnee wench along with her, much to the princess' dismay. Apparently Weiss knew how this film was going to turn out having seen its four predecessors before, and was all too eager to make initial judgement.

"This is going to be so predictable," Weiss yawned, studying her nails, "Just like the other ones."

"Can't just enjoy a mindless movie, can you?" Sun said with a groan.

"I don't care what you say," Ruby smiled, punching at the air, "This movie is too cool! The part when they drive across the aircraft carrier on a tank is the coolest!"

"Hey, spoilers!" the Lieutenant hushed, pointing at the screen.

"Oops! Sorry, um…"

The masked man looked at her. "Something wrong?"

"Seriously, what is your name? I've been meaning to ask you, but Adam was always around doing Adam things."

"…Do any of you know my name?"

Weiss and Sun shook their heads no.

"I assumed you never had one," Weiss said.

"Same here," Sun muffled with a mouthful of popcorn.

"Oh, well I guess I should properly introduce myself. My name is-

A loud slam from behind them cut the Lieutenant off. They turned to see a very concerned Jaune standing halfway on the staircase. "Hey! Sun! Big guy! Adam's going after Blake! We need muscle _now!"_

"Goddammit!" Spitting out his popcorn, Sun immediately leaped out of seat and sprinted past Jaune, "I'll meet you up there!"

"Hold up Sun!" Weiss called, following after, "We'll come too! Let's go Ruby!"

" _Wait!"_

Ruby detoured to the projector, pressing PAUSE on the remote and giving Weiss an enthusiastic thumbs up.

"Okay! Now we're good!"

Once the girls and Jaune were gone, the Lieutenant stood and clenched his fists. He knew this day would come. While he admired his boss deeply, there was only one person who could knock him off his high horse and rein him in. He knew him best. He knew his weaknesses. And he would put him in his place.

* * *

A pleased Mercury stepped out of the bathroom, fastening his belt while kicking the door closed behind him. The editor was right this month: this issue of Haven Harlots was filled to the brim with juicy articles. And by articles, he meant centerfolds. Oh, what he would do to get with Miss Magenta Magiana…

He tucked the magazine under his arm, whistling as he walked down the hall to his room. With his head still full of mental images, he was oblivious to the red-haired warrior dashing around the corner.

 _WHAM!_

He and Pyrrha collided, knocking each other to the floor. Reaching desperately for his smut, Mercury's eyes instinctively gazed towards the girl's chest as she picked herself up on her hands.

"So, come here often?"

A slap to the face knocked the perverted thoughts from his mind. Pyrrha kicked herself up, crossing over his prone body and completely ignored him as she continued running. "I was just joking, you know! Christ, people can't take a joke nowadays…"

 _THUD!_

The wind flew from Mercury's lungs as Sun's foot landed on his chest full force. Before he could recover and lift himself up from the floor, Mercury was soon trampled over by three more pairs of feet as Jaune, Weiss, and Ruby chased after Sun and Pyrrha. His head turned weakly to his magazine, which was now crumpled and torn across the hall.

"…Of _fucking_ course."

As Mercury collected the pieces of his 'literature', Pyrrha and the others were closing in on Blake's room. Sun was neck and neck with Nikos, and soon passed her when he heard a heavy thud come from up ahead. He skidded to a halt at the open doorway, and…

Well, he was pretty shell-shocked, to say the least.

On the floor was Adam, twitching slightly and making weird gurgling noises. Foam bubbled from the corner of his mouth as he continued having what looked like a seizure of some kind. Sun looked to the bed next, where he saw what had caused Taurus' current state.

Though it was nearly obscured by a mass of messy blonde locks, Sun could see Yang and Blake's lips touching one another very daintily. Their eyes were closed, and were oblivious to the small audience gathered in their doorway. Sun had hushed the others as they rounded the corner, wanting to see just how long the two girls would remain like this. After a good ten seconds, Ruby couldn't contain her giddiness anymore. She whipped out her phone, and it gave off a loud clicking sound as she too a snapshot. The two girls on the bed opened their eyes and fell off the bed in a frantic mess.

" _Awwwww!"_ Ruby cooed, leaping onto her sister, "You guys are _sooo_ cute!"

"Did you take a picture?!" Yang demanded, reaching for the phone in Ruby's hand, _"Delete it! NOW!"_

"Nope!" Ruby giggled, tossing the phone to Weiss, "Keep it safe bestie!"

"Wha-?!" Juggling the phone in her hands, Weiss soon realized that Yang had set her sight on her now. She brushed between Jaune and Pyrrha and darted away, with the blonde and Ruby close behind.

Blake stood up, wiping her mouth and staring guiltily at the others. "…We had no choice."

"If you insist," Sun smirked. Blake punched him on the arm as he approached her. "How was it though?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Oh, come on. You know _exactly_ what I'm talking about."

Picking up her bow, Blake retied it over her ears. She looked down to avoid eye contact and to hide her slight blushing. "It wasn't really that bad. I just closed my eyes and thought about someone else. That's all."

"I hate to interrupt," Pyrrha said, stepping in and pointing at Adam, "But is he going to be okay?"

The four of them stared at Adam's twitching body for a bit before Blake gave him a swift kick to the spine. He let out a painful little moan, so Blake kicked him again. A little harder this time, for good measure. She had cared about causing him physical harm before, but she'd probably never have this opportunity again. Best to indulge in it, you know?

"I don't think kicking him is going to help," Jaune's suggestion was ignored as the feline switched sides and punted him in the gut.

"He'll be fine," Blake replied coldly, kicking him again, "Just a seizure. Nothing major."

"I'll take it from here."

They all turned to see the Lieutenant enter the scene. The big guy looked down at his boss's convulsing body, and lifted it over his shoulder with ease.

"How are you going to punish him?" Sun asked, soon regretting his choice of words. He had to stop doing that.

"Oh, he's already punished himself enough," the Lieutenant said, studying Adam's face, "From the looks of it he'll be out for a while, probably a week or so. He's had these kinds of attacks before. Usually after a mission fails or he sees a picture of the Easter Faunus."

"Wait… the Easter Faunus?" Jaune asked, "What's he got against him?"

"I've been asking myself that for years. Now if you'll excuse us, it's time I get back to work. You'll have to finish the movie without me, Sun. Nice abs, by the way."

The quartet stood in silence after the Lieutenant disappeared, realizing just how strange the past minute or so had been. Blake was just relieved to have Adam out of the picture for a bit, whereas Sun was getting the sinking feeling that the big guy was setting his sights on more than just Adam. Pyrrha looked to Jaune, who still seemed caught up on the whole Easter Faunus thing.

"So… I guess this means I'm done watching over Adam."

"This house is really weird, Pyrrha."

"My thoughts exactly, Jaune."

* * *

"I'm beginning to think it's a little on the small side," Ren scratched his chin as he and Nora looked down on their completed Adam-house. While the box-shaped hut was well crafted and painted, it stood only four feet high and three feet wide. It was the perfect size for Zwei, but Adam? That would require a lot of squeezing and contorting.

"Nah, it'll be fine!" Nora smiled, slapping Ren on the back, "I bet he'll love it! I mean look how pink it is! I could see this from space!"

With Adam still slung over his shoulder, the Lieutenant joined the two in admiring the work. "So, this is Adam's new home?"

"Uh…" Ren raised an eyebrow, distracted by the foaming Taurus, "It is a bit small for him, but-

"Doesn't matter," The Lieutenant knelt down and shoved his boss's limp body into the hole, laying him face-first on the house's grass 'floor'. Dusting off his hands, he began walking back to the house. "Keep an eye on him until I get back. Gotta get him a straw and some mashed up food for dinner."

Unsure of what to do, Ren and Nora opted to just walk away and let Adam foam out on the ground.

"Do you think they broke his legs?"

"Once we leave this house, I'm getting you help Nora."


	16. Smack Dat

_**I thought about making a strict schedule for when I would update the story. But then I realized I wouldn't follow it anyways, so here's a chapter for ya.**_

 _ **Enjoy and all that good shit.**_

* * *

 **Day 6/30**

* * *

Some people just want to see the world burn. Roman Torchwick is one of them.

Well, not in the literal sense. He needs somewhere to live, and a burning wasteland isn't exactly prime real-estate. No, what Roman enjoys is chaos for the sake of chaos. People fighting over things just makes him all giddy inside, especially when he is the cause of it. And while they're fighting, he can sneak into their homes and take what rightfully belongs to him. It's the way of the world. Those who want things always get what they want; all it takes is a bit of lying, cheating, and…

Uh, something else. Survival? Stealing?

Eh, he'd remember it one day. Hopefully not when it's too late that it doesn't even matter.

But that wasn't Roman's problem right now. It was this house. This God-forsaken house filled with people he could tolerate, people he hated, and people he hated working for. Even though this house was full of the chaos he should enjoy to its fullest, something was… missing. The substance was there, but there was no payout from any of it.

Yeah, a comatose Taurus got shoved into a dog house. Whoop-dee-doo. Didn't benefit Roman that much. Only one less voice to hear, but at least it was a particularly obnoxious one. It was something, but not enough.

There was a reason he stuck around with Neo. Aside from her smug charm, the young woman always listened to his every word, and never talked back to him.

Get it? Because she never talks.

Whatever. Roman thought it was funny, so it must be funny.

Lately though, Roman was beginning to think she might be attributing to his current boredom. She still gave him that special 'Just Desserts' treatment every afternoon; he would never complain about that, he'd be a goddamn lunatic to do that. It was just that when they weren't busy doing that, she did… whatever the Hell it was she's doing now.

"Buttercup?" he asked, using his pet name for her, "Will you please put that ridiculous game down for one minute?"

Roman was sitting at his desk resting his hand on his chin. He had taken off his hat for once, feeling it might clear his head a bit. The small woman's heterochromatic eyes peered at him from behind her phone. Two days ago, Nora had shown her some stupid Pay-As-You-Play game that she enjoyed, and Neo started playing it herself because it involved ice cream and candy. Since then, she had barely put down her own phone, having caught the addiction.

"Seriously, you're gonna screw your pretty little eyes up looking at that screen all day. Not good for ya."

Neo blinked, her irises changing to pure white.

"Hey, don't get mad at me! Just wish you'd pay a bit more attention to me than that game you're playing. Starting to think you're using my money on your power-ups or whatever they're called. I don't need you addicted to something else."

Roman joined her on the bed, leaning back on the cold wall. Setting her phone down, Neo sighed as she began unbuttoning her shirt.

"No, not now! That's not what I meant by paying attention to me," Roman closed his eyes, twirling his hat on his finger. "I just feel like I'm just talking to myself lately, you know? You're the only one in this house that really gets me. Cinder's a bitch, and so is Emerald. Mercury's a prick. Not even gonna touch on Taurus and his boy toy. And I sure as hell ain't too anxious to chat it up with those Beacon brats."

Neo put her hand on his shoulder, feigning comfort as her other hand slowly inching towards her phone.

"You remember the old days, right? When we just did petty thefts and lived in the sewers? I'd honestly rather have that right now than this. At least we had fun then- Put the phone down, Neo. I know you're holding it."

He felt the phone plot down on the bed, and heard Neo make a small pouting noise. He opened one eye and smirked at the woman.

"Aw, come on Buttercup. Don't be like that. Look, we both need something new to do. How about we do something I used to do back in the day?"

Roman slid off the bed and opened up his desk drawer. He pulled out a plastic baggie, waving it in front of Neo.

"How about we go find some glue and zone out for a couple hours? It'll get you off that game, and make us forget about the rest of these people around us."

Neo raised a judgmental eyebrow at him. She knew all of Roman's habits, and this was his worst.

"Oh, don't give me that look. I know you used to enjoy this."

Neo shook her head in strict denial, beckoning with her finger to bring her the bag.

"Hey, if you can enjoy that game I can enjoy huffing out of this. I promise I won't make you have to revive me this time. I'll be back soon. Try not playing that game for ten minutes, will ya?"

Roman liked to think that she would listen to him, but knew she wouldn't. She was just as distrustful as him. While Neo returned to her phone, Roman made his way down the staircase in search of the best glue this place had to offer.

* * *

Cinder peered through the cracks of the shed doors one last time to make sure nobody was outside. Seeing nothing but trees and grass, she smiled and set her speakers on a cluttered shelf. She dusted the filthy cobwebs from around them before scrolling through her song list. There weren't many tracks on there she felt comfortable practicing loudly, and even less that she'd want any unexpected intruders hearing her trying to sing.

After a couple minutes of careful decision she settled on one particular song, a favorite of hers titled " _The Stars Weep For Us_ ". Cinder sipped water from a small cup to clear her throat, letting the cool liquid flow down slowly. Taking in a deep breath through her nose, she reached down and pressed play. As the music began to rise up and accelerate, she prepared herself for the opening line-

 _ ***WHAM!***_

" _AIIEEEE!"_ Cinder's voice cracked as she yelped in the middle of a high note, the shed door slamming on the nearby wall as Roman stepped in. His boss spun around, instinctively trying to form her glass bow to murder the intruder. Realizing that wasn't an option, she quickly turned off the music and faced Torchwick.

"What are you doing in here?" Torchwick asked, trying to get a look at the object behind her, "Kind of an odd place for _you_ of all people to be."

"I should ask you the same thing," Cinder snapped back, doing her best to stand in front of her speakers as Roman began searching the room.

"Just after some glue, that's all," he said, opening up an old cabinet, "You seen any in here?"

"…Why do you need glue?"

"A man's gotta have his pastimes. Mine is robbery, spreading chaos, and huffing glue. Sometimes paint, if available… _Oh! Jackpot!"_ Roman reached back behind some gardening supplies and tools and pulled out a sticky old jar of rubber cement. He pulled one hand off the jar, not realizing it was coated in a thin layer of the adhesive. "Now this stuff will take you places!"

"No wonder you are the way you are," Cinder retorted, bending over to pick up her bag. It was time to pack up and find somewhere else to practice. "You've got permanent brain damage."

Roman smirked. It had just hit him that he was in power here. Without her Semblance, Cinder was just a woman with nothing to make him fear her. Why waste such an opportunity to screw with his 'boss'?

It was then he caught sight of her speakers and figured out what she had been doing in here. Apparently Miss Fall didn't want anyone to know about her secret passion, fearing it would ruin her ruthless reputation. Seeing her bent over and exposing her rear end was the perfect position for some psychological torment.

Casually striding by and pretending to leave, Roman swung his hand down and smacked her right on her cheek. "Keep practicing those high notes, _boss._ You'll hit 'em eventually!"

 _No._

 _He did not just do that._

Fire in her eyes (not literally for once), Cinder wrapped her finger around Roman's neck, digging her nails into his skin as she tightened her grip. The crook was soon regretting some of his life choices, especially when he tried to move his hand off of Cinder. Her eyes widened in shock as she felt the rubber cement tugging at her skin.

"No…" Cinder breathed, frantically looking over her shoulder. She released Torchwick as she spun around, pulling his stuck hand with her. "No, no, no… This isn't happening! _This isn't happening!"_

"Hey, don't think I'm enjoying this!" Roman snapped, still trying to remove his hand from her ass. He received a fist to the face for a response.

" _I'm going to kill you!"_ Cinder snarled, looking for something to stab him with. Grabbing hold of a gardening spade, she held it like a dagger and swung at Roman.

"Stop! Stop!" Torchwick pleaded, raising his hand in defense, "There's a way to get out of this without killing me!"

"Spit it out, or this is going through your goddamn heart!"

"Okay, okay!" Roman breathed a sigh of relief as Cinder lowered the tool, "Slight problem with it though."

"What?"

"We gotta get in the house first."


	17. Sticky Secrets

"Oh, here's one: Wukong, Adel, and Glynda."

Ozpin pinched his brow at the newest set of names Qrow had presented. At first, Branwen's game seemed harmless enough. But now it was becoming borderline disturbing.

"Must you use my students as choices?"

"Hey man, you said you were bored," Qrow said, spinning in his chair, "We've gone through almost everyone else we know."

The Headmaster thought carefully about this one. No matter which choices he made, they would all be in bad taste. Hell, this whole game was in bad taste now that he pondered it. He could feel a bead of sweat dripping down his temple.

"Alright… Kill Glynda, marry Wukong, and fornicate with Adel-

"Shit man!" Qrow burst into laughter, slapping his knee, "You'd rather be a pedophile and sleep with one of your own students than with Glynda?! That's messed up!"

"I refuse to go on record saying that I wish to kill one of my students," Ozpin said, mug in hand.

"And how is that any different than saying you want to sleep with one of 'em?"

"This is a form of entrapment, you know."

"And that's why it's funny," Qrow popped a potato chip into his mouth, his eyes trailing over to the camera feed, "Oh, would you look at that. That Lieutenant guy is mashing up a banana for Taurus. Cute."

"His loyalty is truly astounding," Ozpin noted, checking the donation rate on his laptop, "The entire altercation involving him, Miss Belladonna and your niece brought us our largest view count to date."

"Still feel bad for Yang, though," Qrow said, watching as his elder niece entered her sister's room for a visit, "Ruby even sent _me_ that picture of her and Blake lip-locked. Gotta wonder how many others have that pic by now."

"Indeed," Ozpin nodded, "I was surprised to receive it myself."

"…Say what now?"

"I have it as well. For documentation purposes of this experience, that is. Nothing more."

"Yeah, that better be all- _Oh. My. God."_

The Headmaster hastily wheeled over to the monitor as Qrow began to snicker uncontrollably. "What? What is happening?"

Qrow pointed to the cam feed focused on the front lawn, where two figures were running to the house. "You ain't gonna believe this."

* * *

Stumbling down the rocky driveway, Roman and Cinder placed their backs flat against the front door. They caught their breath, hoping the sweat from running may have loosened the rubber cement between Roman's hand and Cinder's buttocks.

"Any looser?" Cinder asked.

"Um," Torchwick tugged once, "Nope. I think it's even stronger now."

"Dammit!" Cinder cursed, opening the front door slightly. She peeked in with one eye, looking to see if there was anyone in the lounge. "Quick, while no one's around. Make a run for the steps. Don't fall behind."

"Kinda hard to, when I'm stuck to _yours."_

On the count of three, they slipped through the doors. Cinder walked briskly forward, nearly dragging Roman along with her if not for him being heavier than her. He almost fell flat on his face when she ascended the staircase, stubbing his toes on every step.

"Will you please walk?!" Cinder hissed, glaring back at him.

"Then go slower!"

As they reached the top of the staircase, they heard the voice of someone coming down the hallway up ahead. The two of them stood frozen trying to think of a plan. Seeing a window curtain hanging on the other side of the staircase, Cinder shoved Roman into it and wrapped it around him as Jaune walked by.

"Oh, hey Cinder," he greeted with a small wave, curious as to why she was standing alone on the staircase, "How's it, uh, going?"

"Fine," Cinder said impatiently, standing directly in front of the curtain. She stepped on Roman's foot with her heel as he muffled for air.

"Did that curtain just wince?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Cinder smiled, digging her heel even deeper into the crook as she thought of a way to distract Arc, "But I think I hear Nikos calling for you."

"Really? I don't hear anything-

"Oh no, she is. I think it's coming from the bathroom. She may have hurt herself getting out of the shower."

Blushing, Jaune gave her a puzzled look. It seemed like she was hiding something, but it was probably best for his health that he didn't try and pry it out of her. Plus, Pyrrha might be hurt or something. "If you say so…"

Waiting until the sound of his footsteps were faint, Cinder pulled Torchwick out of the curtain. She ignored his gasping for air as she nearly sprinted to the living quarters.

"I told you to slow down!" Roman said through his teeth, trying his best not to scream at her, "And go to my room! We'll fix it there!"

Soon enough, they reached their destination. Roman noticed that Nora had posted a sign on their door reading 'Team RENN'. Stupid Beacon students and their acronyms.

Entering, they came face to face with Neo, still sitting on her bed. Upon seeing how the two were stuck together, her phone slowly slipped out of her hand as a big grin formed on her lips.

"Now Buttercup," Roman pointed a finger at her with his free hand, "This _does not_ leave the room. Do you understand? I won't complain about you and your stupid game as long as you tell _no one_ about this in any way you possibly can. No pictures, no written messages. _Got it?"_

Neo gave him a thumbs up while her head was buried in her pillow, muffling her laughter.

"Good. Now once you got the giggles out of your system, we're gonna need your help. Go down to the kitchen and get some warm water, soap, a couple rags, and a bucket. You know what, get a steak knife too. Be inconspicuous about it. Then get back up here immediately."

Wiping her eyes, Neo nodded. Once the little woman left the room, Roman and Cinder went over to a bed. Fall glared down at the crime boss when he sat down and reached for a can of soda on his desk. "What? You can sit down. It'll warm your cold-ass even more."

 _SLAP!*_

"Yup… Walked right into that one."

They remained in silence as Neo returned shortly with all the needed tools. Still smirking, she laid them on the bed for Roman to inspect. Satisfied, the man stood and patted Neo on the head.

"Good, good. This'll work. Alright, get on the bed Cinder."

"I can't believe this," Fall lowered her head in shame, crawling on the mattress and resting on her hands and knees, "Make it quick. This is already humiliating enough as it is."

"You're one to talk," Roman replied, pouring nearly an entire bottle of dish soap over his hand. Waiting for the cleaner to slip in between the cracks, he pulled Cinder back a bit as he poured water on them. The woman flinched as the warm liquid touched her skin and dripped down her legs without warning.

"Can you at least tell me what you're doing before you do it?!"

"Where's the fun in that?" Yanking up with his hand, Roman noticed that his grip was becoming a bit looser. It was enough for him to slip something in between them. "Okay Neo: Knife time."

Cinder's eyes widened at the word knife. _"What the hell are you doing with that?!"_

"Why wait for this to dissolve completely when we can just cut it away? You ready Neo?"

The short woman shook her head enthusiastically as she approached Cinder's behind with the knife. However, no one had noticed that the door was still open as Neo positioned the blade in between the two...

* * *

Now, Emerald had become accustomed to how bizarre this house could be. A food fight during the first dinner and a crazy as shit Faunus were testament to that.

But this... This was on a whole new level of fucked up.

Seeing your boss, the one who picked you off the streets, sitting doggy-style on a bed with the hand of a lesser subordinate glued to her ass all while a little mute woman held a knife between them was more than surreal.

Hell, she had to make sure she hadn't somehow inflicted one of her own illusions on herself by pinching her arm.

Nope.

This was actually happening in front of her.

She opened her mouth to say something, anything. But there were no words for this. None at all.

"Emerald!" Cinder exclaimed as she turned away, "There's an explanation for all of-

She slammed the door behind her and walked down the hall, slowly and stiffly, trying to erase the image from her memory.

If there was a God, then he was sure as hell turning in his grave.

* * *

Thankfully, Neo was quite precise with her cutting skills. In a matter of minutes she had freed Roman and Cinder from their adhesive bonds. The second she had been freed, Cinder rushed out of the room after Emerald to offer her explanation, but not before threatening to skin Roman alive if he ever touched her again.

Just as quickly as things had gone awry, things had returned to normal. Roman sat on back to back with Neo on the bed as he picked at the rubber cement still stuck to his palm. "You know Buttercup, I should take your advice more often. Glue always give me trouble in the end. I'd say this is almost as bad as the time I stuck my hands together with the stuff. You remember that, right?"

Neo bumped the back of her head on his neck to say yes. He could tell by the way she wiggled her back that she wanted his attention. Roman was pretty sure he knew what she wanted.

"…Hey, if you're not too busy with that phone I wouldn't mind my 'Just Desserts' right about now. I know we missed dinner, but we can just skip straight to the good part if you catch my drift."

Turning around and leaning over her, he peered over Neo's shoulder to snag her phone away. To his surprise, she wasn't on her device. No, there was a little black book in her hands.

"Where'd you get that from?" Torchwick gestured at the book, to which Neo pointed to the floor. "Down there, eh? Let me see that."

Plucking it from Neo's fingers, Roman flipped through the pages and took in the numerous doodles of Little Red's dog and Schnee being eviscerated. His eyes lit up in devious glee when he read the inside cover.

"Property of Cinder Fall… Oh, this day just keeps getting better and better."


	18. The Negotiator

By the time Cinder had explained herself to Emerald and washed off all the sticky remnants of rubber cement from her behind, the sun had already began to set. Amber rays slipping in through the veiled bathroom window, Cinder wrapped a towel around herself after drying her hair off. It was odd taking a shower at this time of day when everybody was still awake. Having to get dressed immediately after a hot shower was the worst feeling to her. That was the benefit of a late-night bathing. No one is ever around to see (or hear) you. Still, she'd rather sweat a bit in her dress than walk back to her room in only a towel; the last thing she wanted was a surprise wardrobe malfunction.

Dropping her towel, she picked up her dress and started to slip it over her head. As the fabric went over her face, she realized that the garment felt slightly lighter than usual.

Cinder pulled it the rest of the way down, then peered into her dress near her chest to look at the hidden pocket sewn in above her heart.

It was empty.

No, that can't be right. She looked again, pulling the pocket open a bit with her finger.

No diary.

She stood perfectly still, a statue seething with internal rage. Retracing her steps, she knew that there was only one place that it could be right now.

It couldn't be helped: Roman had been a good servant, but now it was time to let him go.

As in killing him.

Snatching the plunger propped against the toilet, she whacked the wooden handle on the sink, breaking off the rubber end and leaving a jagged, splintery tip in its place. She kicked the bathroom door open, leaving her heels behind as she stomped down the hall with intent to kill.

* * *

"Dear diary…"

Roman began mocking his boss' voice as he read another passage from the little black book to Neo. He stood in the center of the room like an orator as his one-woman audience sat at on the floor at the edge of her bed.

"I think I finally figured out why Zwei is so _gosh darned_ cute," Roman continued, hamming up his performance with some extra words, "It's that _juicy, irresistible_ tush of his! Oh, I just want to bite off his tubby little legs and eat him up! But that _meanie_ Weiss keeps giving me awful looks when I try to pet him. Oh, I just wish we could _kiss and make up!"_

Neo applauded his reading as he took a bow.

"This is a lot more fun than I expected," Roman chuckled, skimming the diary's pages for another entry, "How about you read one, Buttercup? No one's around to hear you."

Her eyes springing open wide, Neo blushed and looked around nervously. She shook her head no, much to Roman's disappointment.

"Oh, come on. You have to use that voice of yours sometime. It'll go away for good if you don't." She gazed at the floor when he knelt down in front of her. "Look. I'm the only one here. There's nothing to worry about. I just want to hear you for once. It's been a while."

Pouting her lip, Neo snatched the book from Torchwick's hand.

"That's my girl. Now, there's a really good one near the beginning. Its not too long, so it should be perfect for you."

Finding the page, the little woman swallowed her anxiety and swapped places with Roman. Taking a deep breath, she opened her mouth and began to read.

And then Cinder kicked the door in.

It was the briefest of Mexican standoffs. Roman and Neo looked at Cinder with the makeshift weapon in her hand, then to the little black book. Letting her instincts take over, Neo flung the book at Roman and bolted past Cinder in a multi-colored blur. The diary in his lap, Roman smirked at his furious boss. "I'm guessing _this_ is why you're here?"

"Give it to me," Cinder demanded, aiming the plunger handle at him menacingly, "Give it to me, and I'll make this quick and painless."

Now, let's be rational here," the conman replied, reaching under the bed behind him, "We're the only three who know what's in this book. Can't we just talk this out?"

 _"No."_

As if she was fencing, Cinder thrust the handle at Roman's head. Ducking quickly, he pulled his safety locked Melodic Cudgel out from behind him and parried Cinder's strike. The young woman was not so easily stopped. She swung at him again, aiming for his legs. Torchwick hopped up, pulling his cane up and hooking her weapon on its curved end and pulling it from her hands. Unarmed, Cinder brought her leg up for a roundhouse kick but missed her mark. She spun around, and felt Melodic Cudgel hook around her neck.

"Cool your head, boss," Roman said with a satisfied grin, "Let's be calm here. I said I wanted to negotiate."

"Why should I?!"

"Well, whose idea was it on how to remove my hand from your backside? Oh wait: it was mine."

"You think because you did something for me, I have to do something for you?"

"Of course. That's how the world works, boss. You should know that yourself. That's how you told me you recruited Taurus, remember?"

Dammit. He had her beat. Cinder should have known better than to come in without a plan that wasn't any more than just beat him to death. "After this is all said and done, I'm going to kill you. I hope you know that."

"Oh-ho, we'll see about that. Now, go ahead and close that door so we can negotiate in private." He pointed to the hall, where a curious Sun was watching them from his room. He slammed his door shut the moment he was spotted. Cinder's eyes looked around the room for where her weapon had fallen, but the crime boss noticed her searching gaze. "No funny business, or I might let something slip, if you know what I mean."

Roman picked up the plunger handle to assure his advantageous position as Cinder closed the door. Putting it under his arm, he motioned for Cinder to sit down with his cane.

"Talk," Cinder said, folding her arms.

"You're in no position to order me around," Torchwick answered, "But I'll let it pass. I was going to talk anyways." He pointed over at one of his roommate's beds. "You know who sleeps there?"

Fall studied the pink mattress and its messy white sheets, taking note of the food crumbs and syrup stains. "Nora Valkyrie, I assume."

"I think you know where I'm going with this, don't you?"

Cinder closed her eyes, sighing internally. That bubbly girl was one of the most obnoxious people she had ever met. Her positivity was sickening. "I hope you don't expect me to babysit her or anything. Ren already keeps her busy enough."

"Not exactly," Roman grinned, grabbing a piece of paper from the floor and handing it to Cinder, "For the past couple days, Nora's been going on about this game she wants to play tomorrow. She needs at least 10 people for it, and she's been bugging me constantly to join. She only needs one more player for it, and it's going to be you."

"Super-Ultimate-Crazy-Fun-Dodgeball-Weekend-Extravaganza," Reading the crudely colored flyer's title, Cinder glared at Torchwick. "This is ridiculous."

"I know. Why do you think I'm not doing it?"

"So, if I do this you'll give me my book back? This is all I'll have to do?"

"Of course," Roman gave her that slimy criminal smile he was so well known for, "If you win the game, that is. But you're _Cinder Fall_. It should be no problem for someone like _you,_ shouldn't it?"

Looking back at the title of Nora's game, Cinder began regretting not having made a digital diary on her laptop. Still, at least this kind of activity would let her release her fury on others.

And boy, did she have a shit-ton of that pent up inside her right now.


	19. Dodge-Duck-Dip-Dive-Dodge

**Day 7/30**

* * *

High noon on a Saturday, and the spring sun was beaming down on the front lawn of the penthouse. It had been converted into a sports field of sorts, with lawn chairs lined up like bleacher seats on one side. An unstable stand made of random boards of wood placed one chair higher than the others, marking it as the referee's perch. Sitting in it was Ren, completely still in fear that it may crumble down from underneath him.

"You okay up there?" Blake called to him from below. She sipped from a cup of tea as he gave her a shaky thumbs up.

"Yeah, sure. Let's go with that."

"Nora should have left the construction part to him," Weiss said. She sat beside Blake, an umbrella opened over her chair. "I doubt that thing will stay upright until the end of the game."

"Well, Nora did say she used a lot of glue."

"Did someone say glue?" Roman interrupted, taking a seat behind the two girls. Neo was with him as well, still distracted by her mobile game. One had to wonder why she showed up to watch the game in the first place.

"Must _you_ sit so close to us?" Weiss answered, with a hint of disgust.

"There aren't many seats here, Princess," the criminal said, propping his feet up on the back of Weiss's chair, "And this one is the best in the house."

"There are five empty chairs over there," Blake pointed out, gesturing to the many open seats to her right.

"Oh, I know. But I think it's much more fun to bother you two while watching everyone else get pummeled by balls. It's a win-win for me."

The last audience member sat down beside Blake. "Hey, long time no talk."

"Oh, hey… _Em,"_ Blake thanked nervously, unsure if her name was Emma or Emerald, "How do like that book so far?"

"It's alright. I think the author's lost her touch over the years. Some of the characters seem off."

"Booooring," Roman yawned obnoxiously behind them. The two ninjas glared at him, but he was unfazed. "What? Nobody reads books anymore. Especially the smut you read, Kitty-Cat. That's what the web is for."

Emerald shook her head in disgust. He was almost as piggish as Mercury; at least Merc hadn't tried to slap Cinder's ass like he had. Seeing her boss being taken advantage of due to her lack of powers made Emerald sick. How dare that slime ball disrespect her! If only she had her weapons, then this problem would be over and Cinder would praise her for getting rid of that rat.

Now that she thought about it, it had been a while since Cinder had noticed her aside from the explanation yesterday. She was beginning to miss that attention. Maybe she'd visit her after the game was done. Yeah. Definitely had to say hello, at least. Possibly even ask her to watch some TV with her late tonight. They show a lot of romance movies then…

"You okay?" Blake waved her hand over Emerald's face, breaking her from her fantasies, "You zoned out there for a bit. Game's starting."

"Huh?" Emerald blinked, still slow to return to reality, "Oh, yeah. Straight as a line."

"Straight as a line… That's a new one."

Putting Em's strange word choice to aside, Blake focused her attention to the players walking onto the field. There were nine in total, divided into three groups. Of course, she was rooting for the team made up of Ruby, Yang, and Sun. Nora, Pyrrha and Jaune were another team, obviously; seeing them split apart would be a baffling sight. The last group consisted of Cinder, Mercury, and the Lieutenant: a dangerous combination.

"Okay, everyone," Ren announced to the players, "I'll be the referee of this game. I want this to be a fair, safe, and enjoyable experience for all of you, so please try to be respectful of the rules."

Rolling her eyes, Cinder spotted the reason for her being here in the seats. Torchwick noticed her seeing him, and winked at her as he pointed down at his pocket. There was only one thing that could be in there, and she was going to gut him if he even dared try to pull it out and read it to someone. Once she won this ridiculous game, she was probably going to do that anyways.

"Get on with it, Ren!" Nora shouted with excitement, "I wanna lay the smack down on these guys!"

Laughing, Yang taunted at Nora with her finger. "Don't get too cocky over there! Me and my sis are unstoppable!"

"Yeah!" Ruby cheered, throwing her fist in the air, "We're the best!"

"I'm here too, you know…" Sun tried to add in, but was overshadowed by the sister's overwhelming confidence.

Groaning, Ren continued. "The rules are simple. All teams will attempt to eliminate the others until one is left standing. Only one member of each team needs to remain to be victorious. A player is eliminated the moment they are struck by any of the available objects. Catching an object thrown at you will not result in an elimination, for either the catcher or the thrower. Hitting your own teammate will result in an elimination, so aim carefully. The winning team will be treated to a personal 3-course meal, made by myself. Now, if the teams will each stand in their respective spots, we can begin."

Taking their positions, the competitors looked at their ammunition. This game wasn't so much dodgeball as it was dodge whatever is thrown at you. Yes, there were some balls in there, but there was also pies, buckets, trash can lids, and brooms to be used.

"This must be what you meant by 'Super-Ultimate-Crazy', huh?" Jaune asked Nora, who answered with only a maniacal grin. That only assured him that he was probably going to get hurt more than he wanted to be.

"On my mark," Ren announced, raising his arm. Everyone eyed their weapon of choice, and got into a running position.

"Don't screw this up, you two," Cinder said to her teammates, "Make it a quick victory."

"Whatever you say, boss."

"I'll make Adam proud."

" _And go!"_

The second Ren threw his arm down, all nine players sprinted towards the center of the field. Being the fastest and smallest out of everyone, Ruby was the first to reach the ammo. She launched a ball at Nora, who caught it and threw it right back.

"Get down!" Yang tackled her sister to the ground, letting Sun catch the ball as it zoomed over her. The Faunus grinned, throwing the ball up and whacking it with his tail.

"I got it!" Pyrrha called out, leaping up to catch it before it went out of bounds. Underneath her, Jaune was digging through the pile of objects for something he could use well. The red-head noticed, and tossed the ball at him. "Jaune! Have this!"

"Wha-

 _*WHAM!*_

Unfortunately, Pyrrha forgot to add 'catch' to her sentence. The ball bounced off Jaune's face, and he fell backwards into the ammo pile.

"Jaune has been eliminated by… Pyrrha?" Ren announced, surprised by his own call.

Pyrrha covered her mouth in shock, kneeling down by Jaune. "I-I'm sorry! I thought you would catch it!"

"I can't feel my face…" Jaune muffled from within the pile.

"Tough luck there!" Mercury said, wielding a pie in his hand. He threw it like a Frisbee at Nikos, who rolled out of the way at the last second. Grabbing a trash can lid in one arm, Pyrrha deflected an incoming ball that had been chucked at her by Cinder. Nora slid up beside her, holding a shovel.

"It's just us now Pyrrha!" Nora grinned, "We'll avenge Jaune, even though you took him out yourself!"

"I'm not sure if that was encouragement or an insult…"

Suddenly, the two girls were attacked from both sides. Ruby and Yang came at them with a rake and boxing gloves, respectively.

" _En garde!"_ Ruby shouted as she crossed gardening tools with Nora. She wielded the rake as if it were Crescent Rose, twirling and spinning it in an effort to break Nora's defense. Nearby, Yang pounded down on Pyrrha's shield, leaving big dents in it with her fists.

"You can't hold up forever!" Xiao Long said as she continued her flurry of punches. What she didn't notice was Cinder approaching behind her with a ball in her hand. Pyrrha did, however, and made a sudden push upwards with her trash can lid. The momentum knocked Yang off her feet, and she tumbled back into the incoming ball.

 _*WHACK!*_

"Yang has been eliminated by Cinder!"

" _Noooo!"_ Speeding away from her duel with Nora, Ruby caught Yang before she hit the ground. "Sis! I need you!"

"Go on… without me…" Yang caressed her sister's face, hamming it up for effect, "I'll always… love you…"

"I will win this for you! I swear upon-

 _*WHACK!*_

The pie slid off Ruby's face, as the girl tried to comprehend what just happened. Luckily, Ren was there to tell her.

"Ruby has been eliminated by Nora!"

"Aw, poop."

Across the playing field, Mercury was currently engaged in a heated showdown with Sun. Having found two foam dart guns in the pile, they had decided to test out their marksmanship skills on each other. Sun had the advantage due to his natural Faunus abilities, and was easily evading all of Mercury's shots.

"Out of bullets yet?" Sun asked in mid backflip.

"I only need one shot for you!" Mercury retorted, taking aim and smirking as he saw Cinder coming up on the monkey from behind with a ball in hand.

"I have you now," Cinder said, throwing her best fast-ball.

But it wasn't fast enough. Sun did his best limbo lean as the ball flew over his face and struck Mercury where it hurt the most.

"Mercury has been eliminated by Cinder!" Ren said, "Another victim to friendly fire!"

Seething, Cinder stomped her foot on the ground as Sun gave her a thumbs up. "Thanks, Cinder! You're the best!"

Fall was beginning to lose her patience now. Victory was not completely out of reach, but one more mistake could lead to her most personal thoughts being revealed to the entire-

" _TRAITOR!"_

Spinning around, Cinder saw the Lieutenant standing over the wincing Mercury. In dramatic fashion, he tossed his garbage can lid and dart gun to the ground and pulled a broom from his back. He twirled it in a series of sick spins before pointing it at Cinder.

"Oh, you've got to be kidding me!" Cinder groaned as the big guy roared and charged at her. He swung madly at her as the audience looked on with confusion.

"Is this really happening?" Weiss asked, to nobody in particular.

"If that oaf even touches Cinder, I'm going to hurt him," Emerald added in.

Roman was the only one applauding the Lieutenant's ridiculous assault. "This just keeps getting better and better! Aim for the head!"

Cinder heard the crook's cheering, and it only made her angrier. In an instant, she reached up and grabbed the Lieutenant's wrists in her hands. She looked him dead in the mask as she thrust her knee into his gut. As he dropped his broom, Cinder caught it and spun around to block Nora's shovel from coming down on her.

"Nice block!" Nora smiled, "But can you block both of us?"

Gasping, Cinder arched her back as Pyrrha jabbed at her with a baseball bat. She made a quick escape, and let Nora's last swing come down on the Lieutenant's head.

"The Lieutenant has been eliminated by Nora!"

"Good riddance," Cinder mumbled as Nora and Nikos approached her. Taking a defensive stance, she prepared to defend herself until she saw Roman stand up. He smiled at her as he pulled her little black book out and opened it up. Even if Cinder managed to win, he would still claim the ultimate victory over her.

"Hey, ladies!" Torchwick announced to the audience, "Wanna hear a good story?"

" _NO!"_

That was it. The last straw.

Dashing forward, Cinder set her sights on the crook. As Nora swung down at her with her shovel, she leaped onto its spade and used it to boost her ascension. The girls watched as she went over top of them and into the seats. Torchwick was too shocked to move as the broom handle came straight towards his face.

 _*WHAM!*_

"Cinder has been eliminated for going out of bounds! " Ren said, peering down into the seats. "And can someone please check on Roman? I think he may have a concussion."

Standing over the unconscious Roman, Cinder bent down to retrieve her precious diary. Neo looked up at her, and shrugged; she might be Roman's partner, but she knew when he should get what was coming to him. Besides, there was no point in trying to get revenge when she could just keep playing her game. Satisfied, Cinder dusted herself off and turned to leave.

"Worth it."

Confused, Nora and Pyrrha watched her walk away. "So… Do we win?"

 _*WHACK-WHAM!*_

Two balls bounced off the back of the girls' heads. Surprised, they spun around to see a smiling Sun standing victorious.

"Not today, ladies."

* * *

" _Dear Diary,_

 _Today was surprisingly entertaining. Valkyrie's game of dodgeball turned out to be a rewarding experience. Though I didn't win, I still managed to get you back safe and sound which was all that mattered._

 _Ren cooked a bountiful meal for the winning team, though Rose was generous enough to share leftovers with myself and the other participants today. She's a simple soul, just as Salem described her. It's almost unfortunate that I will have to eliminate her once my time in this house has ended. Plans are plans, though._

 _I do not think Roman will be antagonizing me anytime soon. While we watched television tonight, Emerald pledged to keep a watchful eye over him while in their room to ensure he has no more tricks up his sleeve. I really should pay her is some way. She's the closest thing to a friend I have here._

 _But, I feel that is all I have to say for today. Maybe tomorrow I will try and sing again, in a more secluded spot this time. Eventually, I will be ready to do so in front of others if anyone hear is willing to listen. I am sure Emerald will, but I have this odd feeling that makes me wish others would care to see my talent._

 _Until Tomorrow,_

 _Cinder Fall._

 _PS: Zwei is looking at me right now. So cute!_


	20. The MERC System

**Another "It's Always Sunny" inspired chapter.**

 **My workload is lightening up, so the chapter-release rate might increase.**

 **Or not.**

 **Who really knows, you know?**

* * *

 **Day 8/30**

* * *

A week had passed, and the storms of spring had finally come to water the land. Water poured down the windows of the penthouse, the wet weather trapping everyone inside. Well, almost everyone. The Lieutenant had forgotten to bring Adam inside before the storm started; when he went out to get him, the wind had almost carried him away. Considering how bulky he was, he figured his boss would be safer locked away in his doghouse than being dragged inside where people who hated him were.

The house itself was fairly quiet. The sound of rain seemed to soothe the spirits of many, and put quite a few to sleep. With so many locked away in their rooms, others decided to take advantage of the empty house and do things they normally wouldn't do.

"I can't believe you're reading that out here."

Looking up from his nudie magazine's centerfold, Mercury shrugged at Sun. The Faunus had walked in on him 'reading' his pornography on the lounge couch where anybody could see. Sun wasn't sure to praise his boldness or condemn it.

"Free country, Sun," Mercury said, closing his book and tossing it beside him, "How's it any different than Blake reading her smut?"

"Hers have words, not big naked pictures of women in them. If the girls see you with that out in the open, they'll lose whatever little bit of respect they had left for you."

"Hold up there, buddy," Merc pushed himself up straight, turning around to face Sun, "You really think the women in this house hate me?"

"Dude. You never look any of them in the face."

"Well, of course not. They have boobs for a reason."

"You prove my point."

Mercury laughed heartily, slapping Sun on the shoulder. "You're so naïve, Wukong. So, so naïve. You gotta look at their chest to show you're interested. It's all part of The System."

Wukong raised an eyebrow. "What system?"

"Oh, that's right. None of you know about The System."

"I'm not sure I want to know."

Clapping his hands together, Merc patted Sun on the back to urge him to the stairs. "Go get the other guys and bring them down here. I'm gonna change the way you all live with this. Trust me."

* * *

About ten minutes passed, and Sun had gathered Jaune, Ren, and the Lieutenant on the couch. Roman had refused to join them, preferring not to have Mercury's voice worsen his sickening headache he was still suffering from after yesterday. The four of them watched as Mercury opened up a slideshow on his laptop and hooked it up to the TV. With one click, his computer screen was synced up with the flat screen in front of them.

"So, what is this exactly?" Ren raised his hand, cocking his head at the letters on the TV.

"This, my friend," Mercury grinned, presenting the screen like a game show model would a prize, "Is the MERC System: The surefire way to score with any woman you meet."

"Goddammit," Sun cringed, pinching his brow. He knew from the beginning this was going to be terrible. Ignoring him completely, Mercury continued.

"I have performed these four simple steps on every woman I have ever had the pleasure of sleeping with. And let me tell you, I have not once been turned down. Combined with my natural charms, women cannot resist me."

His gullibility getting the better of him, Jaune raised his hand. "How many girls have you done this with?"

"More than I can count, pal. Some take much longer than others to win over, and some are still in progress, but they will succumb to the rules of nature eventually."

"Does this work on non-humans of both genders?" the Lieutenant followed.

"Yeah, sure. Why not?"

"You guys are really buying this?!" Sun stood up, throwing his arms out, "This can't possibly work!"

"How can you judge what you haven't yet heard?"

Merc had him beat. The monkey sat down with folded arms. "Please then. Tell us your wisdom."

"I will," Black clicked once, and a large M projected onto the TV, "Our first step is M: Manipulate with Kindness. What you do is talk the girl up, make them feel good about themselves. Say something like, 'Those are nice shoes,' or 'Nice tits,' or something like that. Girls like it when you say they dress nice, even if they look like crap. That way, they'll see you as a kind, compassionate person who cares about other people's feelings."

"So lie to them?" Ren confirmed.

"There is nothing wrong with lying if it benefits yourself. Remember, you're trying to get in the girl's pants, not ask them to marry you. If you're looking for that, then you can be truthful or whatever. I don't recommended it."

"Not like any girl would want to spend their life with you."

"Shut up, Sun."

The M turned to an E as Merc moved onto the second step.

"Now we reach E: Emphasize Attributes. You told the girl how good _they_ look, now show them how good _you_ look. Flex your muscles, say something smart, just do anything that makes you look like a 5-star man. Be as direct as possible. If they refuse to touch your muscles, just grab them by the hand and make them. Women like to feel submissive."

Jaune scratched his head in confusion. "Are you sure about that last part? A lot of the girls I know don't seem like that type… Now that I think about it, none of the girls in this house seem like that type."

"You'd be surprised at what women secretly desire, Jaune. Once you slap handcuffs on them, they'll bend to your every command."

Ren and Sun shared a worried glance. Something about that lacked a sense of consensual agreement.

"And now we reach R: Reach Around. Once the girl has touched you, she will automatically want you to touch her back. She won't be able to resist your masculinity, and will succumb to your exploring hands."

"What if they asked you to never touch them?" The Lieutenant queried, with pencil and notebook in hand. He was making sure to record every last word that came out of Mercury's lips. Surprisingly, this whole conversation was not reminding him of Adam's own 'plan' to seduce Blake.

Perhaps it was Merc's charisma that blinded him. Or the fancy slideshow graphics. It was one or the other.

"Excellent question," Black snapped his fingers, "In that case, return to Step E. Continue to display yourself to them until they have no choice but to give in. And once this step is done, you will have reached the final stage…"

The final slide popped on screen, accompanied by some animated fireworks.

"C: Climax. You will have successfully led the girl into your domain, and will bang like rabbits until you get bored with her. And there you have it: The MERC System."

Sun looked at the guys beside him, and then to Black. "Dude. There is no way, and I mean _no way_ , that a woman has, or ever will, fall for that."

"You still doubt my skills?" Mercury shook his head in disappointment, "Then I'll just prove it to you. Give me the name of any girl in this house – any girl – and I will show you this system is flawless. I'll be in bed with them by midnight. If I fail, which I won't, then I'll do all of you guys' laundry for a week."

The four guys thought about it, and came to a mutual agreement. "Works for us."

"Good. Now, who's gonna be sleeping with a 5-star man tonight?"


	21. A 5-Star Man

**Happy Easter! Don't have any candy for ya, but here's this instead. Not as good as chocolate, but still quite delicious.**

* * *

The bathroom door was locked, its occupant preparing himself for the upcoming trial. Mercury eyed his shirtless body down, knowing very well that he was about to bed an unsuspecting woman and assert his masculinity. This was an all-too familiar process to him. His hair was just messy enough to make a woman want to comb it (not that he'd ever let them). He had a bit of that stubble going on; an excellent touch that women couldn't resist. He was the perfect mixture of 'Charming' and 'Doesn't give a shit'.

"Look at yourself," Merc smirked at himself, eyeing every part of himself, "You're an Adonis, a work of art. Nobody can hold a candle to you because you're a winner. You're gonna win today, because you're a 5-star man. A 5-star man always gets the girl. And you're gonna get the girl in that bed of yours. Go out there and win. You'll show them you're a winner. Make it work, Mercury."

He ran a sensual finger down through the crease of his abs, and winked at his reflection.

" _Make it work."_

* * *

"I still can't believe you're smitten with that dolt, Pyrrha."

Nikos was blushing heavily as she sat with Weiss in her room. Lately, she had been feeling the need to get closer to Jaune, but was unsure of how to not be so direct with her behavior. Her main worry was scaring him off and ruining what they already had as friends. Weiss felt like the best person to talk to about this. She had been the object of Jaune's affection for a while, and Pyrrha wanted to know just what the boy saw in her. She had invited the Ice Queen to her room, and the visitor had made herself comfortable on the floor beside her bed.

"He isn't a dolt," Pyrrha answered, "Just a bit awkward, that's all. And sweet. Have you seen him in those pajamas of his, the footie ones?"

"The ones that make him look like a dork?" Weiss answered sardonically.

"The ones that make him look adorable," Pyrrha corrected with a smile, "I guess I see him differently than everyone else."

"I'll give you that one," Weiss said in contemplation, "If you really want him to know how you feel, you should just let him know. Guys like him are slow to the point. Just say t to his face, and gauge his reaction. Knowing him, he'd probably faint in shock if he heard a girl liked him."

"Faint?" A look of worry appeared on Pyrrha's face, "You really don't think he'd do that, do you?"

Weiss laughed playful at her in disbelief. "Wow, you _really_ care about him."

"I can't help it! I just want him to be happy. And safe."

Little did the two girls know that they had an eavesdropper. Just outside the door, Mercury had been listening in on them as he prepared to engage in the first step of the MERC System. Jaune had given him his target of Weiss Schnee, and the others quickly agreed with him. The dork had told Merc that she was a nigh-surmountable task, her cold gaze freezing the hearts of men in an instant.

But if someone could shatter her icy heart, it was a 5-star man.

"Hello, ladies," Mercury announced as he stepped into the room, "Don't mind me. Just coming in to get my weights. You two are looking great, by the way. Is that a new tiara you have there, Weiss?"

"No," Schnee answered bluntly, "Now can you go? We're discussing something private here."

"Oh, I get it, I get it," Mercury nodded, smiling, "You're talking about a guy. I can tell. I know when women are feeling lustful."

Weiss and Pyrrha both gave him the dirtiest of looks, and turned back to each other. The latter didn't want that slime ball knowing she had a thing for Jaune, so it was time to resort to pronouns. "So, do you think I should ask _him_ to watch a movie with me and some friends? I could sit beside him and share popcorn with him."

"No, not with friends," Weiss said, raising a finger, "Just you, and you alone."

"B-but I don't want to make him to feel uncomfortable!"

"Is he uncomfortable when you two train together?"

"Not that I can tell."

"Then there's nothing to worry about."

Merc stood there, analyzing the situation as the girls ignored him. Step M had failed, shot down before it could even begin. This one was tough. He had to take it up a level. Time for Step E.

Picking up a weight in each hand, he feigned an intense workout session. Mercury grunted loudly with each flex, making sure Schnee heard him. After the sixth grunt she glared over at him.

"Do you mind?" she snapped, "I thought you were leaving, anyways."

"Nah," Merc grinned, cracking his neck, "Right here is as good a place as any. These are 25 pound weights, by the way. I can bench-press even more in case you were wondering."

"I wasn't."

"You sure about that?"

" _Very."_

Arc was right: this girl was tough.

It was time for his trump card.

Dropping his weights, he ripped off his shirt and threw it at the girls. He grinned with satisfaction as their jaws dropped, looking at him with confusion.

"What the heck are you doing?" Weiss asked, raising an eyebrow.

"Are you impressed?"

"Should I be?"

"Of course!"

"By what should we be impressed, exactly?" Pyrrha asked in the most indifferent tone of voice.

"By what I'm presenting to you," Mercury replied, showcasing his abs and six-pack with his hands, "You can touch them, if you want. I don't mind."

"Get lost, creep," Weiss ordered, "Or we'll make you leave."

"And how would you do that, exactly?"

Standing up, Weiss dusted off her skirt and approached Mercury. She looked him over, nodding to herself. Feeling the taste of victory, Mercury spread his arms wide allowing her to explore whatever part of him she desired.

And then she thrust her knee into his groin.

* * *

"Well, at least she touched you there," Ren said, handing Mercury an ice pack, "Just not in the way you wanted, that's all."

Sun was more than amused by Mercury's failure. He knew it would end like this; seeing Black lying prone on the couch with his hand on his bruised crotch made it all the more hilarious. "So, you have enough detergent for all our clothes Merc?"

"Won't need it," Mercury winced, lifting himself up, "Didn't lose."

"She kneed you in the nuts, dude. That's not a win by any standards."

"Clearly," Merc put the ice pack down his pants, shivering at its touch, "She is a lesbian. It's the only logical explanation."

Sun sighed, shaking his head. "I wonder how comfortable you are on that ridiculously high horse of yours."

Walking away, Mercury looked over his shoulder at the guys. "Consider that a mulligan. Next girl I see, I'm taking to bed." Turning forward, he saw Ruby bounding down the steps and grinned. The booty was literally coming to him now. "Showtime."

Sun and Ren saw her too, and sighed a breath of relief. Ruby was gullible, but not that gullible to be seduced by Merc's ridiculous system. There was no way they'd be doing laundry this week.

Sliding up to Ruby before she could go out the front door, Mercury put his arm out in front of her. He propped himself up on the archway, making sure the girl couldn't escape. "Hey there, Rubes. What're you up to?"

"Oh, hey Merc! Not much. Just going outside, that's all."

"Really? Sure you'd rather not spend some time inside? Wouldn't want to get that nice dress of yours all muddy."

"Oh, I don't mind! I have a spare."

Not even fazed by the compliment. She was a dense one, this girl.

"Are you sure?" Merc asked, "It's awfully wet outside."

"It's fun to play out in the rain though. Jumping in puddles is the best!"

Mercury went into seduction mode. He grabbed his shirt collar and ripped it down, exposing his chest to Ruby. "How about we go upstairs and I… _change your mind?"_

Blinking twice, Ruby cocked her head at him. "Hmm… Nope!"

Before a stunned Mercury could reply, Ruby ducked under his arm and ran out the door into the rain. Black stood there scratching his head. "Huh… That's not supposed to happen."

"What's not supposed to happen, _buddy?"_

The furious voice came from behind Merc. He slowly spun around to see Yang cracking her knuckles and burning a hole through his head with her eyes. "Uh, you see-

"I was just walking down to stop Ruby from going out and getting sick," Yang growled, "But then what do _I_ see? I see you trying to seduce and do unspeakable things to my little sister. You think I'm just going to let that slide?"

"We can settle this easily," Merc said, ripping his shirt down all the way, "I'll just let _you_ have a piece of a 5-star man instead of _her."_

For some reason Mercury thought that would work. But then again, he was still locked into seduction mode, not common sense mode.

A nice, solid right hook knocked him back into that mode. And also knocked him flat-out cold.

Standing over Black's body, Yang looked over at Ren and Sun. "Might want to get him some ice."

Sun pointed towards his pants. "He's already got some."

"Oh. And here I thought he just whizzed himself."

As Yang ran outside to catch Ruby, Sun and Ren walked over and hoisted Merc up. They carried the so called 5-star man up to his room, where he could rest in preparation of doing their chores when he woke up.

"You think we should have had him try and go after Cinder?" Sun asked.

"I'd rather be carrying an unconscious body right now than a dead one."

"Good point."


	22. The Gang Goes Dark

**Day 9/30**

* * *

It was just past midnight, and a flash of lightning lit up the inside of Ozpin and Qrow's van. Though the vehicle was positioned behind a few rows of trees, the high winds rocked it back and forth. Neither of them had expected the heavy rain to turn into a downright hurricane-like storm by nightfall.

"Maybe we should just drive away for a bit," Qrow suggested, peering out the front window as the downpour raged on, "Wind's picking up pretty bad. One of these trees might fall on top of us any minute now."

"I am afraid we can't do that," a surprisingly calm Ozpin replied, "It would force me to break my terms of agreement for this whole operation."

"What's more important, our safety or a goddamn bet?"

Ozpin sipped from his mug. "A man must preserve his honor."

"…You can't be serious."

"I may have also forgotten to mention that there is no gasoline in this vehicle. We could not leave even if we tried."

Qrow slouched down onto the floor, groaning as he grabbed a bag of potato chips from a drawer. "So what do we do now? Stare at the camera feed and wait this out?"

"That is what we do most of the day anyways," Ozpin said, "Unless you have a better suggestion."

Chewing loudly, Qrow dug his hand into the bag for seconds, "You wanna play Bang-Marry-Kill again?"

"Not particularly, no."

A boom of thunder shook the vehicle. The two men heard the sound of cracking wood outside, followed by a crashing sound.

"That ain't good," Qrow said, "Wanna make a run for the house?"

"You can if you so choose to. I already used up my one interference, but you were never part of the agreement's terms."

Before Ozpin could even finish his sentence, the dusty old crow was already at the door. "Have fun then, pal. See you in the morning!"

Qrow pushed on the door handle, but was surprised when the door refused to budge.

"...What the hell?"

He pushed on it again, harder and more frantically this time.

"Oh, you gotta be shitting me!" Branwen cursed, peeking through the small crack of the door, "That tree fell right outside the damn door!"

"Would you like some coffee?" Ozpin offered, holding out a mug for Qrow.

"Don't get smug with me, Oz."

"Whatever are you talking about?"

Leering at the man, Qrow reluctantly snatched the drink from his hand. The coffee burned his throat, but not in the usual way most of his drinks did. It could use a little pinch of brandy to pack a little punch. "How the hell do you drink this stuff?"

"I ask you that same question in regards to your alcohol," Ozpin retorted as lightning flashed once again, "Hm… Perhaps we should deactivate our electronics for now. I wouldn't want our equipment to be compromised."

"You gotta get your priorities straight, Oz."

Flipping a switch underneath his desk, Ozpin turned off every vulnerable piece of tech in the van, leaving them trapped in complete darkness. The sudden loss of light wasn't very helpful to Qrow, who was in the middle of standing back up with coffee mug in hand. It didn't help that the entire floor was covered in wires and random objects just asking to be tripped over.

" _GAH! HOT, HOT!"_

"Well of course it is hot. It is coffee, after all."

* * *

Electricity is an amazing thing, you know? It helps out so much in our daily lives. It powers our TV, our video games, our Internet connection, and a whole bunch of other shit. It's pretty great.

The funny thing is, too much of it can really screw shit up.

Especially when lightning strikes a power generator just outside your house. Power overloads are never fun. They suck hard, actually.

That's a fact the occupants of the penthouse were realizing all too well right now.

Most of them had been preoccupied with something when the outage hit. Yang had been in the shower and was suddenly blasted by freezing cold water, whereas Emerald was in the middle of her late-night programs when the TV went black. Most unfortunate was Ren, who was trying to climb out of his bed when everything went dark and he fell headfirst to the floor.

As if they were part of a hive mind, everyone seemingly knew to gather in the lounge to try and figure out some kind of solution to the problem. Only Jaune was absent; he had managed to stay asleep through the whole commotion even when Pyrrha tried to wake him. Sun and the Lieutenant had gone and found some battery powered lamps, and were placing them about the room so people could see who they were talking to. With everyone gathered on the floor and couch, Roman stood atop the table playing leader again.

"Looks like we're all here," he said, yawning, "So, power's out if you all couldn't tell. Not really sure for how long, so I hope nobody needs to use electricity any time soon."

"Some heat would be nice," a shivering Yang replied. She stood only in a towel, with soaking wet hair dripping onto the floor. Most of the guys knew better than to stare, unless they wanted a knuckle sandwich for a late-night snack.

Thinking of heat, Neo and Emerald gave Cinder a look to which she shrugged. "Don't look at me. It's not my fault our semblances have been sealed off thanks to their foolish Headmaster."

"For once, I agree with you," Weiss followed, tossing Yang her over shirt, "Though I don't really mind being cold myself."

Ruby had been keeping quiet for a while, being both tired and distracted by Zwei on her lap. Suddenly, a thought came to mind. "Hey! Maybe there's a back-up generator somewhere down in the basement!"

"We have a basement?" Blake asked, tilting her head.

"Yeah! When I was running around outside earlier, I saw these big square doors on the other side of the house before Yang pulled me back in. They probably lead to the basement!"

"Bu they're _outside_ , you dolt," Weiss groaned, shaking her head, "Nobody in their right mind is going to go out there into that storm."

"What? Doesn't seem too bad out to me."

"You're not going out there alone, Ruby," Yang said to her sister, "I'd help, but I'm already wet enough as it is."

"Heh. _Wet."_

"You find something funny, Mercury?"

"N-Nothing, ma'am. Nothing at all…"

Ruby gave her sister the puppy eyes in a desperate attempt to change her mind. "But Yang, I wanna help everyone…"

"Sorry Ruby, but not this time-

" _Wait!"_

Everyone's heads turned to the Lieutenant, who had just frozen mid-step. There was a long, dramatic pause before he spoke again in a dreadful whisper.

"Adam's still out there."

"So?" Blake replied coldly, "He's probably fine. _Probably."_

"He could be in danger! I have to rescue him!"

Seeing her chance, Ruby dashed over beside the Faunus. "We can go outside together! I'll help you rescue Adam, and you help me get into the basement! It's perfect! What do you think, sis?"

Yang eyed the big guy down. She was still untrustworthy of him since he was involved with Adam, and she still didn't like the idea of Ruby going outside in this storm. Though fearful of the blonde, the Lieutenant wanted to change how his housemates perceived him. He had to make up for his former actions alongside his boss. He stepped forward, bowing his head to Yang.

"I know you don't think much of me, Blonde Demon, but I will keep a watchful eye over your sister in the eye of that storm. If things turn for the worst, I will put her safety before my own, just as I would do so for Adam. I give you my word."

Yang looked at him sternly, then to Ruby, then back to him. As much as she didn't want to admit it, the big guy earned a second chance for that little speech he just gave. "Fine. But you be careful. Both of you. If worse comes to worse, call my cell Ruby. I'll be out there in an instant."

"You got it sis," Ruby smiled softly, pulling up her red hood, "Let's go, Mr. Mask!"

"That's not my... Oh, whatever," the Lieutenant groaned, following Ruby out into the storm.

As the door shut behind them, Pyrrha stood up and stretched her arms. "I don't know about you all, but I feel the best thing is to get back to sleep. Hopefully the power will be on in the morning."

"But that's no fun!" Nora spoke up, clenching her fists, "Black out are the best time to play hide and seek! If only we had night vision goggles, then we could pretend to be spies! Oh, that would be great! Don't ya think so Ren?"

"Nora, please," a nearby Ren winced, rubbing his forehead, "I think Roman has the right idea."

"You mean we all sleep here on the couch like moles? That's genius!"

"Wait, what?"

"You know, moles! They like to snuggle up and warm each other with their bodies!"

"I don't think that moles do-

"I call middle seat!" Gleefully, Nora dove onto the couch, burying herself between Cinder and Emerald. The latter groaned at her erratic roommate.

"Yeah, I'm not staying down here anymore. Someone get us a flashlight so we can get up the stairs without tripping over each other."

"Got ya covered," Sun tossed her a flashlight with his tail, "Anyone wanna join me downstairs for a board game? There's a couple stored away in a closet down there. A lamp or two should give us enough light to see."

"Let me get this shirt on first," Yang replied, looking over at Blake and Weiss, "You two in?"

"I can't see a reason not to," Weiss answered, "Blake?"

The cat was quite tired, but the slight grin Sun gave her swayed her decision. "Sure. Why not?"

"And what about you?"

A surprised Neo jumped slightly at Sun's invitation. She held her phone up to him to say she wasn't interested, but Roman snagged it from her hand. "She'd love to join you. It's about time she gets off this stupid thing anyway."

The short woman glared at him viciously, expressing her disapproval. He wouldn't be getting his 'Just Desserts' for a while now for this little stunt. Still, she reluctantly joined the four as they departed downstairs, Yang breaking off to go and change quickly.

"I don't know about you guys," Mercury said, propping his feet up on the coffee table, "But this chair is pretty damn comfy to me. Think I'll sleep here, as long as those two don't start bumpin' crotches." He jerked a thumb at Ren and Nora, much to their displeasure.

"Must you assume that?" Ren said.

"Yeah, we're here _together_ , but not like _together-together_. We're just gonna be like moles tonight!"

Pyrrha couldn't help but laugh at her teammate's obliviousness to animal behavior. Leaving them behind as Zwei snuggled up with Nora, she followed Roman, Emerald, and Cinder up the steps back to the bedrooms. Halfway up, she stopped dead in her tracks upon realizing something.

Sun was in the movie room.

Mercury was in the lounge.

And she and Jaune would be in their room.

 _Alone._

Blushing, she felt her nerves getting to her when Emerald noticed she had stopped.

"Hey. You alright there?"

Swallowing her anxiety, Pyrrha nodded and continued up the staircase, unsure if she should (or even could) try and take advantage of her and Jaune being alone in some way…


	23. The Gang Goes Dark 2

"I'm starting to think Yang might've been right after all!" Ruby yelled as she shielded her eyes from the stinging rain. She and the Lieutenant had barely walked ten feet outside when the wind gust picked up nearly tenfold. The girl had nearly been blown off her feet if not for the big guy grabbing hold of her cape at the last moment on more than a few instances. Now the two of them slowly made their way to the bright pink doghouse being battered by leaves and other debris.

"We must keep going!" the Lieutenant replied, "Adam is counting on me!"

A crack of lightning scared nearly scared Ruby out of her dress. She leaped up onto the Lieutenant's back like a koala on a tree, unaware that her hands covered the two small slits in his mask. The big guy shrieked as he began spinning around blindly.

" _I can't see! I can't see!"_

Ruby kicked her heels into his side in an effort to steer him in the right direction. "Quick! Go left! We're almost there!"

The two-person tower wobbled their way across the lawn, nearly being blown over twice before the Lieutenant slammed his waist into the side of the tiny hut. Upon collision, Ruby was flung off his back and landed on the soggy grass.

"You okay?" she asked the dizzy Lieutenant who had bent down out of sight.

" _BLEARGH!"_

"I'm guessing that's a no."

Hoping the big guy had at least taken his mask off before vomiting, Ruby crawled over to the little door of the doghouse and lifted it open-

" _AIEE!"_ she yelped upon seeing the pale, muddy butt of Adam Taurus in her face, _"Why is Adam naked?!"_

Clearing his throat, the Lieutenant popped his head around the hut's side. "Well, you see I figured it would get pretty hot for him in there, so I just took all his clothes off. It was easier than having to bring and change him into a new outfit every day."

" _But he's butt naked!"_

"And?"

"I don't think you just do that to unconscious people without them knowing!"

"What should I have done then?"

"I-I don't know! I'm a Huntress, not a doctor!"

"Either way, we got to take him inside-

" _He needs clothes first!"_

"Oh. Yeah, I guess you're right." At that, the Lieutenant began undoing his belt much to Ruby's horror.

" _What the heck are you doing?!"_ she said, pulling her hood completely over her face.

"What's it look like I'm doing? Just giving him my clothes."

"Not in front of me though!"

"What? I'm wearing underwear today, no biggie."

"Shouldn't you always wear them?"

"Not on Sundays."

His tighty-whities in the open for all to see, the Lieutenant bent over into the doghouse with his pants in hand as he slid them onto Adam as if he was dressing a doll. Tying his belt around his waist, he pulled Taurus's body out and threw it over his shoulder as lightning cracked behind him, striking a dramatic pose.

"Now... let's go save the day."

"If you were wearing pants that would have looked a whole lot cooler," Ruby said, "The lightning behind you was awesome. Undies ruined it."

"Aw, man. I was hoping the lightning would've made up for that part."

"Eh. Still about a 7/10 on the cool chart."

"Good enough for me."

* * *

The rain poured down the tall hallway window. Pyrrha leaned on the side of the wall watching it flow down. Her nerves had gotten the best of her, preventing her from falling asleep.

Well, not just that.

When Pyrrha had stepped into her room and say Jaune curled up in his bed, she slammed the door shut and turned away. She had made a plan of sorts when she had washed up again in the bathroom of what she was going to do, but actually going through with it suddenly felt much more difficult.

Perhaps she was better off joining Ren and Nora on the couch. Besides, Jaune looked so comfortable in there alone without someone to disturb his slumber. She would only be a bother anyways.

She walked past the door to her room, pausing when she heard Jaune yawn from inside. She turned back to the window as lightning cracked outside. Ruby and the Lieutenant had been brave enough to go out into that storm and risk their health to help Adam and try and get power back to the house, and here she was struggling to show her feelings to someone she knew cared about her already, though not in the same way she did or him.

Something about that made her feel selfish, ashamed for not being as strong as she had been raised to be. And she was going to have none of it.

Biting her bottom lip, Pyrrha made her decision and turned back around. She put her hand on the doorknob, turning it slowly as she gently opened the door and slipped inside.

* * *

"So, what do you guys wanna play?"

Yang, Weiss, Blake, Neo, and Sun looked over the many boxes of games they had pulled out of the closet, having spread them across the floor in front of the movie screen. There was a variety of titles to choose from: Conquering Remnant, Monopolization, Apologies, and even the classic Taijitus and Ladders. With a short battery time on the lamps Sun had brought down, they only had time for one or two games at the least.

"How about Monopolization?" Yang suggested, elbowing Weiss in the shoulder, "You'd enjoy that one wouldn't ya Weiss?"

"Ha-ha. Very funny," the heiress retorted, not impressed by her teammate's jab, "Conquering Remnant looks fun."

"Nah, not that one," Sun shook his head, "Too many rules for me."

"Then we'll play something simple enough for you," Weiss knelt over, moving the boxes around, "Here. We'll play Connect Five then."

"I said simple, not for babies."

"You wanted to come down here, right? Then pick a game you monkey."

"Careful there, you almost triggered me."

"Just pick!"

As Wukong looked over the games, Blake leaned over towards Yang and whispered in her ear. "Hey, you remember that thing we talked about?"

"Oh my, Blake!" Yang smiled slyly, "Our friends are around. You really want them to hear about-

"No, not _that_ … The _other_ thing."

The blonde took a second to think.

"Oh! You mean _that_ thing."

"I don't think we'll have a better time than now to do it."

"You said it."

"Said what?" Weiss had noticed them mumbling to each other, and leaned in. A curious Neo indiscreetly wandered over to find out as well, rather not expressing her interest so openly. An ecstatic Yang whispered into both of their ears as Sun stood back up with a box in his hand.

"Got one!" the monkey held up the rectangle for the girls to see, "Super Surgeon was always my favorite back home... Uh, why are you all smiling like that?"

The four girls giggled at his obliviousness. Yang stepped forward to explain. "Remember back when you wanted me and Blake to 'act lesbian' with each other?"

Sun felt that sinking feeling in his stomach again.

"Uh yeah… What about it?"

"And remember when we said you'd have to do something for us in return?"

"Oh no."

"Oh yes," Yang threw her arm over his shoulder, pointing at the box with one finger, "So, you wanna play this game, huh? Don't you have to pick out the little bones and stuff without touching the sides?"

Wukong shook his head nervously.

"So, there's ten pieces to remove… How many pieces of clothing are you wearing?"

Blake's cat ears almost popped out from under her bow at that. What was Yang talking about?! This wasn't part of their plan! Sun was going to have to sing a musical number for the entire house, not whatever she was getting at! The blonde gave her a knowing wink, as if she thought Blake would want this.

Well, she wouldn't be one to object to a stripping Sun but this was just too indecent!

"Please tell me you're not thinking what I think you're thinking," Sun pleaded.

"Oh, I think I am," Yang grinned, "Every time you hit a side and make the board buzz, you have to take off a piece of your clothing until you can't."

"Can't as in?"

"Completely nude, buddy."

A red-faced Blake looked as if she was going to exhaust steam from her ears. Weiss and Neo just stood there snickering, letting their sadistic sides take over at Sun's embarrassment.

"Why should I even agree to this?" Sun asked.

Yang laughed heartily, slapping him on the back. "Oh, don't worry. You can still benefit from this. If you manage to get out all of those pieces without stripping completely naked, then me, Blake, Weiss, and Neo will take off all _our_ clothes instead. And if we try and cheat, we'll lose on the spot. How's that sound?"

Now that changed Weiss and Neo's feelings towards this, and nearly made Blake topple over. The Ice Queen stepped forward to voice her disapproval. "Now hold on! I know the first part wasn't part of our plan, but this is going too far!"

"Oh, don't worry! Yang said, joining the girls again, "There's no way Sun will be able to keep a steady hand thinking about our hot bods! Ain't that right, monkey boy?"

Wukong was nearly as red in the face as Blake now. No matter what, someone was getting naked down here. He looked down at himself; he was wearing his over shirt, pants, slippers, and boxers. There were ten pieces to remove, and five chances to screw up. Taking a breath, he calmed himself and gave the girls a slick smile.

"Damn straight. Now let's get this started!"

As Sun began unpacking the game, Yang gulped as she realized she may have been a bit too confident when making her deal. She felt three icy stares piercing through her, and began praying that those lamp would somehow go black and end this game night early.


	24. The Gang Goes Dark 3

With Adam slung over his shoulder, the Lieutenant led the way as he and Ruby rounded the side of the penthouse. They could hear the crashing of waves in the pool as the wind picked up even more.

"How much farther is it?" the Lieutenant asked, tightening his grip on Adam. The shirtless Faunus was as wet as he was, and the big guy had nearly dropped his slippery boss ten times now. "I can barely hold Adam anymore!"

"We're almost there!" Ruby answered, "Just hold him a little longer and we'll be inside in no time!"

"Well what about this storm? You think it'll end by morning?"

"I don't know! I'm too soaked to worry about it anymore!"

"You're soaked? Look at me! I don't know how much more drenched I can get! See how soggy my underwear is?!"

"I'd rather not!" Ruby replied, keeping her gaze above his waist at all costs. She could see the cellar doors up ahead, and pointed excitedly. "There they are! Let's go!"

The pair ran against the wind with all their strength, and were soon standing over the pair of doors. Ruby bent down and pulled on the handles, but the wooden boards refused to budge. "Gah! I think it's locked!"

"Let me try!" The Lieutenant clumsily handed Adam's body over to Ruby. He stepped up to the doors and stomped down on them repeatedly. With a mighty roar, he managed to break through but tumbled down into the darkness himself after losing his footing on the wet wood. Ruby cringed as she heard him crash down the stairs and collide with random supplies below.

"Are you okay?!"

Shaking off the pain, the Lieutenant waited for his eyes to adjust to the dark before answering. "Yeah, I'm good! Toss Adam down!"

Ruby struggled to lift Adam up, barely able to keep a hold on him. "I'll try my best!"

Unfortunately, Ruby was never good at throwing things. Her toss was more like a shove, and Adam's body tumbled down the steps. She heard the Lieutenant curse as she heard the clattering of metal once again.

"What kind of toss was that?!"

"Sorry! Is he okay?"

"Um… Oh, that ain't good."

"What's wrong?" Ruby called down, descending slowly into the dark and using her scroll as a flashlight, "How bad is he hurt?"

"I think he's bleeding... Ah, shit. Yeah, he's definitely bleeding."

"Oh man…" Ruby sighed. Sure, Adam was a creep towards Blake but she didn't like knowing she had caused someone pain. "I'm so sorry!"

"Don't worry about it. He gets cut all the time. I think this just reopened an old wound on his arm."

"Ew," Ruby grimaced, "Can you cover that up or something? Looking at those kind of things makes me feel dizzy."

"Already done."

Flashing her scroll, she gasped upon seeing the Lieutenant now only in his underwear. He had wrapped his jacket around Adam's arm to stop the bleeding, but was practically naked now. "What is up with you and being nude?!"

"What? Still got my undies on. Besides, gotta put the boss's safety before my own. White Fang code and all."

"Well… You got a point."

Looking around, Ruby shined her light about in search of some kind of power switch or generator. The basement was surprisingly quiet apart from the pounding rain above. A shiver went up her spine when the coldness of the basement finally hit her and her drenched body.

"Man, its cold down here," she said, stepping over a stack of buckets, "You gotta be freezing."

"Not really," the Lieutenant said from behind, clutching Adam to his chest like a kid would a teddy bear, "Look. There's a door up ahead. Maybe there's something in there."

"Yeah, I see it too."

After maneuvering around piles of junk, Ruby and the Lieutenant reached the door. Luckily, it was unlocked. Turning the handle, the two went through into a smaller, darker room.

"What is this place?" the big guy asked, tugging at a large piece of cloth lying in front of them. Ruby was just as puzzled, and put her hand out to touch it as well.

"I dunno… Only one way to find out."

Ruby walked into the drapery, letting it envelop around her until it began to lift and unveil what lie on the other side…

* * *

These were the times when Sun was glad he had steady hands. While he mostly used them for picking pockets and such, they were perfect for games like this. The girls behind him were astonished by how quickly and effortlessly he had plucked out the tiny plastic bones from the holes in the patient's plastic body, and one was really beginning to regret having stuck up this deal with him. He had messed up only once, his hand slipping at the sound of a lightning strike, and was now shirtless. Still, he wasn't about to screw up again any time soon.

"So, that's eight so far," Sun said with a grin, "And… that… makes… nine!"

Yang flinched as he pulled out the penultimate bone. She bit her lip in frustration and glanced nervously at Weiss and Neo. The two girls were giving her the iciest of stares, with the slightest hint of murder in Neo's. She looked to Blake next, who looked fairly anxious as she pulled at her hair. Yang had not fully taken into account how she might feel having to strip down in front of Sun, and felt an immense guilt drop over her. Her apologies would have to wait, as Sun turned around to face them.

"One more to go, ladies," he shrugged, "Looks like I'm staying clothed tonight."

"Just get to it!" Weiss snapped, clearly not anticipating their imminent loss, "And quit gloating!"

"I don't know what you're talking about," Sun said as he looked over at a quivering Blake. His happy expression changed when he saw her blushing face quickly look away from him. Something told him that, if he did succeed, then he'd probably be hurting one of his friends in the process. And if there was one person he didn't want to screw up a relationship with, it was Blake. It was time to alter the rules, for her sake. "Look, girls. How about we make this all or nothing?"

"What do you mean?" Yang asked.

"If I screw this last one up, then I lose the bet. I clearly had the advantage at this game, so it's only fair that I even up the odds. What do you say?"

The girls shared looks, and nodded in approval. Yang put her hand on Blake's shoulder in comfort, and was at ease when she felt the cat sigh in relief. "Sounds good, monkey boy."

Blake nodded knowingly at Sun, mouthing 'Thank you' with her lips to him. Feeling just a bit better with himself, Sun placed the game in front of him and the girls. He reached down to pick up the final piece while looking at his fellow Faunus with a playful smile. "Well then I hope you're ready to-

 _*BZZZZ!*_

Rule #1 when playing Super Surgeon: Always look at the board.

Wide eyed, Sun stared down at his hand as the board continued to vibrate. Yang and Weiss cheered, high-fiving each other. Blake let out the biggest sigh of relief, wiping the sweat from her brow. Neo immediately beckoned Sun to stand, taking Weiss's scroll in her hand to film the punishment.

"Sorry, but a deal's a deal, Sun" Yang said, hand on her hip, "You know what to do now."

"Oh, come on!" Sun threw his arms out, "Don't I get a mulligan or something?!"

Blake blushed as she thought about what was coming next, but still answered him. "You said it yourself, Sun: All or nothing."

"Take your time, monkey boy," Weiss said smugly, folding her arms, "We have all night to wait."

Unable to think of a way out of this, Sun accepted defeat. He sighed and pulled down his sweatpants, revealing his smiley—face covered boxers. Yang cat whistled as his pants hit the floor, while Blake did her best not to stare directly at him. Weiss snickered, nudging at Neo to zoom in on the yellow faces.

"Do I really have to drop these?" Sun groaned.

"What do you think?"

"Dammit…"

Gulping, Sun was ready to get this over with. He closed his eyes and pulled down, just as the movie curtain behind him parted to reveal two new onlookers of his humiliation.

Ruby had only ever seen two people naked before in her entire life: her sister and herself. She preferred not to see others in the buff or even close to it; it just made her feel uncomfortable and funny inside. Heck, just seeing the Lieutenant in his undies was weird enough!

But now she had to add Sun Wukong to that list.

After she managed to draw her eyes away from his bare buttocks, she saw her sister, Weiss, Blake, and Neo looking back at her from Sun's other side as she stood on the movie screen stage. The Lieutenant stood beside her awkwardly, shivering and doing his best to cover his crotch with Adam as he stared at Sun.

" _U-Uh!"_ Ruby stammered, covering her young, tainted eyes, _"Yang! W-What are you all doing?!"_

"Um…" Yang blushed, rubbing her neck as she tried to think of a response. When she couldn't, she elbowed Weiss to answer for her. "Go on Weiss! Explain and stuff!"

"Oh, well…" Schnee said, trying her best to avert her gaze from Sun (unlike Blake, who was peeking at him from the slits of her fingers), "We made a bet with Sun and he… He kind of lost."

At the moment he had heard Ruby's voice, Sun had immediately begun to re-dress himself; little Ruby didn't need to be seeing any more of him. He stumbled past the girls, pants barely above his knees, and made his way to the steps as Neo continued to record. "Well, it's been fun ladies! I'll be crashing on the couch if you need me!"

The room was completely quiet as the remaining housemates stood in place, feeling all sorts of emotions ranging from shame to amusement to arousal.

"Welp," the Lieutenant announced, hoisting Adam over his shoulder once again, "That was a thing. Now if you girls would excuse me, I need to go take a cold shower."

"So," Blake said, clearing her throat, "I'm guessing you didn't find a power generator."

"Nope," Ruby sighed in disappointment, "But we did bring Adam back inside, so that's… Actually, that's not a very good thing, now that I think about it."

"I knew I should've made you stay inside, Ruby."

"Oh Yang, it could be worse. I could've gotten- _ACHOO!"_

Ruby sniffed, wiping her nose with her sleeve as Yang face palmed.

"Aw, poop nuggets."

* * *

Pyrrha sat at the edge of her bed, twiddling her thumbs nervously as she gazed across the room. That silly boy was sleeping on his side with his back turned to her, his body rising and falling with each breath. She knew exactly what she wanted to do, yet was still building up the courage to do it.

"…I can do this."

Pyrrha removed her headdress, setting it down beside her. Undoing her ponytail, she let her red locks fall down over her shoulders as she approached Jaune's bed. He jerked as she sat down beside him, and she retracted slightly. Grunting, he rolled over and yawned with his eyes barely open. "Pyrrha? Is that you?"

"Sshh," Pyrrha hushed, putting her hand on his shoulder, "No need to wake up completely."

"Ngh… What's up? Something wrong?"

"No, just…" she swallowed her nervousness, scooting closer towards him, "It is quite cold without any heat. I was hoping maybe I could… Sleep with you tonight."

"Huh?" Jaune's eyes opened up wider now, "Wh-What do you mean?"

"I-I meant beside you, not with you! Nothing of that sort! If you are not okay with it, then I understand! It's just nobody else is in the room, so there is no need to worry about Mercury or Sun taunting us about it. I could sleep above the sheets, if I being under them would make you uncomfortable."

"Well…" Jaune yawned, lifting up his blankets, "If you're cold then make yourself comfy. I don't mind."

Pyrrha was squealing and jumping for joy on the inside. It was nearly impossible for her to keep from expressing it out loud. "A-Are you sure?" she answered, almost too excitedly.

"Hey, it's what friends are for."

Slowly and delicately, Pyrrha slipped in under the covers beside Jaune. He flipped back over onto his side as she made herself comfortable, pressing her back up against his and feeling his warmth. Oh, how badly she wanted to turn over and embrace him!

But for now, this would do.

"Hey, Pyrrha."

Nikos jumped a little at his voice. She looked over her shoulder at the boy. "Yes?"

"You ever seen _Galactic Conflict_?"

"Is that a sci-fi movie?"

"Yeah."

"I… can't say that I have, unfortunately."

"Really? Man, that's my favorite film. We should watch it once we get power back; I've got the DVD with me if you're up for it."

' _Wait,'_ Pyrrha thought, _'Is… Is he asking me on a movie date?!'_ This night just kept getting better and better for Pyrrha! Jaune must have read her mind or something, as she was going to ask him to do the same with her eventually!

Well, with his case it was probably just as friends. But it was still something.

"That sounds wonderful, Jaune."

"Ah man, you're going to love that movie Pyrrha. So many space battles, and the characters are the best! My favorite is this one guy, and he's part robot and part alien..."

Pyrrha lay there and let him ramble on for a while. It was cute seeing him talking so passionately about his hobby; he probably didn't have many to talk about it with back home living with seven sisters and all. In that case, Pyrrha wanted to be that person with whom he shared this connection with.

"Sounds like you everything about this movie," Nikos yawned, subtly putting more of her weight on his back.

"I don't want to brag, but you're not wrong." His goofy cocky side was slipping out, the same one she had seen when they first met and he tried to win over Weiss. "Anyways, I'll shut up and let you catch some shut-eye… Night, Pyrrha."

She smiled softly, wishing she could hear him say that to her every night from this day onward.

"Good night, Jaune."


	25. Men, Mud, and Mouthwash

_**Been a while since I've said how much thanks I owe to all you following this story. Still can't believe we're almost to 200 followers!**_

 _ **You guys fucking rock. Seriously. I wouldn't have gone this far with this silly story if not for all of you.**_

* * *

"Hey, lookin' good there Em!"

Wearing a shiny green bikini and jeans, Emerald groaned at Roman's voice as she scooped out yet another branch from the backyard pool. Last night's storm had put a number on the paradise-like bathing area, blowing debris and water all around the artificial rocky outcrops. She had pulled out some very odd things from the pool with her long net, including a half-drowned squirrel that didn't take too kindly to having its life saved by her. That just went to show why Emerald never did good things for anyone; nobody's ever grateful enough to reward her for it.

Yeah, she knew it was just a stupid rodent. The mangy thing still didn't need to bite her on the hand and run before she could snap its neck.

Besides, the only reason she was cleaning the pool was so she could have it to herself. Nobody else had used it yet, so it was probably best to claim it now before it was too late. Well, if Cinder wanted to use it Emerald would obviously let her. Emerald always wondered how she would look in a bikini…

"Missed a spot," Roman said from atop one of the highest rocks, pointing at a cluster of leaves floating in the dead center of the pool. He propped open a folding chair, sitting down with a martini glass in his hand.

"Can't you see that I'm ignoring you?" Emerald said, continuing her work, "Get away from me."

"Ooh, a threat. What are you going to do, shove that pole up my ass?"

"Only if you keep talking."

Great. Now that Roman had showed up, Emerald should probably drown him so her claim couldn't be stolen. Then again, drowning Roman would be something she wouldn't mind doing regardless.

Torchwick sipped from his glass, smacking his lips loudly. "Still mad about last night? I didn't snore on purpose."

"Hell yes you did. You never do that when Neo is in the room."

"Well that's because when she's in the room we're always busy…"

"And about _that,"_ Emerald raised the pole menacingly at Roman, ready to throw it at him like a spear, "I don't care if you two are consenting adults. When you're in a room with other people you're not supposed to get all touchy-feely with someone! Its common decency!"

"Hey, we've never actually done it with you around. Neo's just grabby. Who am I to stop her?"

"…I hate you so much." Unable to look at the crime boss anymore, Emerald went back to cleaning the pool until she realized that he was holding a _martini_ glass. She turned back around in curiosity. "Where the hell did you get that drink?"

"Oh, this?" Roman held up the glass, "Made it myself. Not that hard."

"Out of what? Didn't you and the others drink all of that alcohol a few nights ago?"

"I found a substitute."

"What?"

"Mouthwash."

"…You can't be serious."

"Yes-indeed. This concoction here is 25% lemon juice, 25% olive juice, and 50% pure mouthwash for the kick. I call it _Roman's Minty Sunrise_."

"You realize it's deadly to drink mouthwash, don't you?"

"Yeah, and I huff glue too. Hasn't killed me yet. Guess I'm just really tolerant to toxins. Or I'm immortal. I like to lean towards the latter. Gotta stay optimistic, you know?"

"…On second thought, just keep drinking. If you keel over, I'll put you out of your misery."

"Can't kill what won't die, my child."

Rolling her eyes, Emerald went back to work. For good this time.

"Doesn't mean I won't try..."

* * *

In comparison to the pool, the front lawn was in even worse shape. It was a literal mud hole, soggy and squishy like a Scottish bog. Adam's doghouse had been completely demolished by a toppled tree, its pink walls broken and scattered. It was a good thing Ruby and the Lieutenant had gone out to rescue him, or otherwise the bull would have had more than a coma to worry about.

Ren and Nora were collecting the remains of their project after letting Zwei out to use the bathroom. Ruby's sneezing had turned into a full on cold, and she was stuck in bed eating soup and cookies (not the best food to eat while sick, but Yang couldn't deny her begging sister). Nora had jumped at the opportunity to take the dog outside, but for all the wrong reasons.

 _"GRAHH!"_

Covered in mud and leaves, Nora arose from a giant mud puddle like a zombie from its grave. She growled and clawed at an indifferent Ren, who shook his head at her. "You just washed that outfit yesterday, Nora."

" _I'm not Nora…"_ the mud monster grunted, _"I'm the Sludge Sloth! Give me brains! And bamboo!"_

"Sloths don't eat bamboo. Pandas do."

" _Then I'm a panda sloth!"_

"A what-

" _Ooh! Ren, Ren!"_

"Yes, Nora?" Ren sighed; here we go again. He didn't mind Nora's ramblings. In fact, he secretly enjoyed them. Just not when they busy doing something like this.

"Imagine how cute a _baby_ panda sloth would be! That would be super-duper _adorable!"_

"Hm. I guess that would be true."

"Hey, Ren?"

"Yes?"

A big muddy hand swiped him across the nose as two big blue eyes glistened at him from within the filth.

" _Boop."_

Ren wiped his face off, smiling. "Couldn't resist, could you?"

"Nope."

Setting down a handful of pink planks, Ren noticed something had gone missing. "Um… Have you seen Zwei at all?"

"Yup!"

"Where, exactly?"

"Over there," Nora pointed to the woods with her dripping filthy hand.

"He ran away?!"

"Ah, relax!" Valkyrie grinned, sloshing her feet as she stepped out of the puddle, "Ruby told me he's really, really, _really_ smart! He'll be back in no time!"

"If you say so… Where are you going?"

"The pool. I think my costume's getting crusty."

* * *

"Any luck yet?"

Qrow plopped down on the floor of the RV, wiping his sweaty brow after trying to push open the van door. "Nah. That tree's got us pinned in good. Not that you've been any help."

Ozpin sipped his cold coffee as he flipped to another camera feed. "Like I told you already, Mr. Branwen. We each have our own tasks to attend to."

"Then I'm busting through the window," Qrow snapped back, grabbing a book to chuck at the glass, "I can't take this anymore!"

"No! You cannot break that window!"

"And why the hell not?"

"The owner will most likely not appreciate the vehicle sustaining damage."

The dusty crow looked at the Headmaster in astonishment. He gestured to the many computer panels and power boxes around them. "Is this a _rental van?_ Is _all_ of this stuff rented from someone?!"

"You are half right. The technology is mine, the van is not"

"So, let me get this straight then: The Headmaster of the prestigious Beacon Academy can afford to construct a luxury penthouse for 16 people, complete with an outdoor pool and indoor theater, and own all of this high-end tech, but can't afford his own van?"

"We reached our budget when I suggested getting this van," Ozpin answered, "There was only one other option."

"How did you rent this if you were out of cash?"

"…I never said it was rented."

"You hesitated. Why did you hesitate?"

"I happened to come across this van deep in these woods while the penthouse was being constructed. The owner was in the middle of a difficult battle with a Deathstalker, so I took the liberty to move his van far away to safety… Without him knowing."

"…You stole this."

"I like to call it borrowing without one's permission-

" _Goddammit Oz!"_ Qrow threw his arms up in frustration, pacing back and forth, "What do you think the owner's going to do to you once he finds out?!"

"That is assuming the owner is still alive."

" _Jesus Christ – Wait!"_ Before Ozpin became the victim of Qrow's scolding, the man dashed over to the front window as he spotted a fluffy black and white shape among the trees outside. _"Zwei! It's Zwei!"_

"Ms. Rose's dog?" Ozpin quickly joined Qrow at the window, nearly planting his face on it, "Why is he out here?"

"Don't know, don't care," Qrow started tapping his fist on the glass to catch the Corgi's attention, "He's our way outta here."

"How, exactly? He is just a canine."

"He's a super-intelligent one that can go get help. Look, he sees us!"

Zwei had turned his head to the van, smiling at the two crazy men frantically waving at him. The two of them were gesturing in the direction of the house, with Qrow writing the word 'help' on the windshield. Comprehending their situation, the Corgi barked once and made his way back to the house, bounding over rocks and logs on his tubby legs.

"You think he understood us?" Ozpin asked.

"Hell, I hope so. That dog is our only hope right now."


	26. Our Only Hope

My name is Zwei Rose-Xiao Long, and today I had thrust upon me a mission of the upmost importance.

Upon my exploration of the nearby wooded area residing on the boundaries of our humble abode in search of a proper place to dispose of my 'poopie nuggets' (as Master Ruby fondly refers to them as), I decided to take a side course to check up on the amusing duo of Uncle Qrow and his comrade I now refer to as Wizard. I know not much of this bespectacled fellow, other than that he is the headmaster of Master Ruby and Master Yang's academy and that he has a serious addiction to caffeine. I must say, each time I catch a glimpse of him within that van he is drinking that brown substance. It is quite unnerving, to a degree. Perhaps the man should consult a therapist for his constant consumption of the liquid before he begins injecting it into his bloodstream.

Regardless of this, it is these two in whom my mission was centered around. It appeared that during that frightening storm that ravaged the landscape last night, a large deciduous tree had fallen in front of their vehicular shelter's sole door, trapping them inside with no means of evacuation. I could tell from their frantic gestures towards myself that they were in dire need of my assistance, and being the reliable – and devilishly adorable and fluffy – Corgi that I am, I knew I had to oblige their cries for help.

But I must say the events that led up to their escape from that metallic dungeon surely were quite eventful. Allow me to recollect this most harrowing tale to you now.

* * *

Moments after departing to find assistance, I heard cries coming from the pool located just behind the flank of the home. It seemed that the Lightning Viking was up to her usual antics once more, as I heard her ecstatic voice cheering in that direction. In hopes of finding human assistance there, I took it on myself to investigate.

Unfortunately, I would find none there. The Lightning Viking had submerged herself into the shimmering waters to remove mounds upon mounds of mud she had coated herself with, and had disrupted the cleaning process of the Jade Ninja. For a fleeting moment I believed it was going to be the end of the spritely redhead, as the Jade Ninja prepared to beat her with the blunt end of a net. Luckily…

Well, I am not sure I can say lucky would best describe the following event. The Jade Ninja surely did not appreciate the action.

I had been well aware of the deprivable actions of Mr. Candle recently. He has become quite a thorn in the side of many house members recently, the Crimson Bitch being the biggest victim. I felt it was only a matter of time before he chose his next target; in this case that new victim was the Jade Ninja. While she continued to jab and strike at an elusive Lightning Viking, he had snuck his way down from his rocky perch and undid her bikini top in one swift motion of the hand. It took the Jade Ninja a few moments to realize she had been exposed, and turned towards a cackling Mr. Candle with a burning rage.

Never before had I seen such a brutal use of a cleaning pole in my short life. It is a sight I wish not to retell here. I must apologize for this omission, but if I was to speak of it you would understand my reason for doing this.

However, I must commend Chef's ability to pull the Lightning Viking out of the pool while concealing his eyes from the Jade Ninja's indecency. Such a chivalrous gentleman he is. I believe he is in need of yet another present. Perhaps I shall find him a larger bird this time.

Realizing I would find no assistance outdoors, I made my way inside as Miss Ice Cream burst through the door to investigate the commotion and shrieks of Mr. Candle coming from the backyard. I bounded into the lounge hoping someone would catch sight of my charming smile, but the only one around was Steel Toe. The gray-haired young man was not too fond of me after discovering the experiment I had performed on his metallic legs, so I felt it was best to leave while I still could.

Once I was a good distance away from him, I paused to consider my options and to rule out those who would not be willing or able to assist me in my quest. Master Ruby had come down with the nastiest of colds, and Master Yang was treating her sickness. Oh, how I adore the sisterly love my masters share. It is almost as great as that they show to me when I amuse them with my special Corgi dance. I believe the humans call it 'twerking'; I for one find that it is a degrading term to the majestic movements of my fluffy behind. Eventually a word will be spoken that best describes my elegance.

The Pansy-Ass-Bitch, though the strongest resident of the home, would be unable to help either as he was busy caring for his precious Edgelord. I had to rule out the Crimson Bitch as well; even though she adores me I have a strange feeling she would be quite unwilling to help the Wizard out of his current predicament.

Having bound up the steps to the second floor, I was still pondering my options when I was greeted by Snow White and the Black Cat, the latter fleeing upon seeing my small presence. I barked in succession to let her know something was amiss outdoors, even gesturing with my snout to emphasize my point. Unfortunately, Snow White misunderstood my communication and believed I was hungry for my lunch instead. Cradling me in her arms, she took me to the kitchen and prepared me a delectable bowl of bacon filled Kibble-Bits.

It would have been rude of me not to indulge, and even ruder not to request seconds. A Corgi on a mission does need his nutrients.

After finishing my most satisfying snack, I caught Snow White's attention once more and ran off in hopes she would pursue. Just as I had hoped, she followed until she caught up with me as I reached the room of Vomit Boy and the Spartan Princess. Their door was opened slightly, just enough for me to slip inside.

What I saw was quite surprising. The two of them were sharing a bed, with the Spartan Princess's arm flung over his torso. Their spooning came to an end when Snow White burst into the room and gasped loudly. The two of them awoke quickly and frantically, with Vomit Boy completely unaware that the girl had been cradling him in his sleep. As the Spartan Princess confirmed with Snow White they had done nothing more than sleep side by side (what else could Snow White have thought they were doing, I wonder?), I felt the need to try and bring attention back to my mission by barking and hopping around on my tubby legs. My actions were successful and they all looked to me as I ran out of the room and to the front door. Still in their night wear they followed me out to the woods where Uncle Qrow and the Wizard were trapped in their van.

And thus, my mission was a success. The trio had gone back to the house to recruit more help, managing to persuade the Pansy-Ass-Bitch outside away from Edgelord to add more muscle into the moving of the massive tree trunk. It took almost seven people to move that tree; even I contributed by pulling on a branch with my mighty jaws. I feel they would not have succeeded if not for my part. I may be small, but my muscles are strong and well-toned.

Still, there seemed to be some mixed feelings from the housemates upon looking in the van. Something about the many monitors and camera feeds on them enraged certain individuals and disturbed others. The Crimson Bitch, having been dragged out here against her will, was quite forward with her opinion on the matter, and ordered that the Wizard come up with an explanation for this by tomorrow for the entirety of the house. For his sake, I feel it would be best to do so sooner than later.

* * *

All things aside, I was satisfied with my performance today. For my diligence, Uncle Qrow rewarded me with a bagful of BBQ potato chips, a delicacy I rarely have the chance to indulge on. The Crimson Bitch was also pleased with my actions and how I "revealed the truth" to her. I know not exactly what she meant by that, but she gave me a nice scratch behind the ears for it so I see no reason to question.

And so ends another day in my eventful life. I wish we could talk more, but I am beginning to feel drowsy all of a sudden. I fear Uncle Qrow may have spilled some of his favorite liquor onto those chips by accident. I was never a fan of that concoction brewed by a Mr. Jack Daniels.

Until next time, chaps.

 _~Zwei Rose-Xiao Long_


	27. Meanwhile, At Other Places

_**What's up everybody? Got a bit of news to say first.**_

 _ **I've got a lot of finals work for college coming up on me, so I'm going to be pretty exhausted soon. Next chapter may not be out in 4-6 days, so no need to worry that I quit writing this. I'll probably just be sleeping or some shit like that instead. Really need to stop staying up until 4 AM like I have been lately...**_

 _ **Anyways, hope you enjoy this chapter!**_

* * *

Though some of its louder occupants had been absent for a little over a week now, the cafeteria at Beacon Academy was still filled to the brim with the shouting of students. The bustling teenagers sat in their usual cliques at their usual tables, discussing various things from homework to gossip to things their parents wouldn't approve of them speaking about. One thing they weren't doing was throwing food at each other, and for that Glynda was relieved. Ever since that first food war, she had been diligent in her supervising duties and patrolled the cafeteria daily to prevent any such outbursts. She was glad that the students were so willing to fall in line and be civil.

Well, there was that incident between Yatsuhashi Daichi and Russel Thrush a few days ago. Glynda let that one slide, as the latter had been antagonizing one of the second year's teammates again even after he and the rest of his team had been reprimanded for their bullying ways last semester. Receiving a few bruises was the best way for Russel to learn, Glynda figured. It was one of those times to just let boys be boys.

She hated to think that it was something Ozpin would have done as well. That man was an enigma to her. One day he would be the wise leader type creating strategies in order to better protect their world, the next he would be doing pretty much what he was doing now.

Something completely ridiculous.

After she had called upon Qrow to keep watch over the whole debacle, Glynda had stopped trying to contact Ozpin after he refused to answer her calls. She figured that things couldn't get too out of hand there; Ozpin might be an idiot at times – okay, that was an understatement – but he knew how to get things under control when absolutely necessary. Branwen was there as well, so at least he had…

Now that she thought about it, maybe sending the alcoholic wasn't the best idea. Even Oobleck would have been a better choice than Qrow, who had a tendency to act rashly at times.

Glynda was kicking herself right now for not realizing her mistake sooner. She was gritting her teeth as she aggressively tapped her riding crop on her thigh. The last thing she wanted to do right now was go to that stupid house and scold them!

"Um, Miss Goodwitch? Are you feeling okay?"

Glynda snapped out of her anger and looked down at a concerned Velvet Scarlatina. The rabbit Faunus was a favorite student of hers, mostly due to the fact that she never acted out of line (unlike almost every other student at this academy).

"Yes, Ms. Scarlatina," she smiled faintly, appreciating her concern, "I am fine. There is no need to worry."

"Are you sure? It must be difficult running Beacon without Ozpin around."

"You would be surprised," Goodwitch replied, remembering the time Ozpin had locked himself out of his office and thought the best way to get back in was to climb up the side of the tower with two plungers. Getting him down from that without students taking notice was probably the most embarrassing thing on her resume.

"I bet Ozpin will be back from his trip to Vacuo in no time," Velvet said cheerfully, her ears bobbing as she tilted her head with a smile. "If you ever need any help with anything, then I'd be happy to help however I could!"

"I'll keep that in…" Glynda stopped mid-sentence, noticing the video feed on a nearby laptop belonging to Team CFVY leader Coco Adel, "Pardon me, Miss Adel, but what are you watching there?"

"Huh?" the fashionista pushed her designer shades down to get a better look at who was speaking to her, "Oh, this is that thing some of our friends went away to do. The reality show or whatever. You wouldn't believe some of the things they've been doing."

"Oh really?" Glynda raised an eyebrow at that, scooting in between Velvet and Coco on the seat, "Would you mind telling me about some of those things?"

Team CFVY shared puzzled glances at each other, shocked at Goodwitch's curiosity. A shrug from Fox Alistair implied there was no harm in telling her about what they had seen.

"Many things have happened there," Yatsuhashi said, swallowing a forkful of salad, "The first incident was when a case of alcohol was shipped to the home-

" _WHAT?!"_ Glynda's jaw nearly dropped to the floor: that idiot actually gave those children alcohol?! "Don't tell me they drank it!"

"All in one sitting," Coco answered, "For a while I thought Yang and Belladonna were going to kiss. But then that happened a couple days later."

"Oh, that was funny!" Velvet smiled, bouncing in her seat, "And then that Adam guy fainted when they did it! I think it's cute how his assistant comes to his rescue all the time."

"I'm still peeved we couldn't see what happened when Emerald called the cops that one morning. Pretty sure Ironwood showed up and bribed the cops not to press charges."

Her head buried in her hands, Glynda was in full panic mode now. Underage drinking, debauchery between students, Ironwood of all people bribing cops…

 _Wait a minute._

" _Ironwood?"_ Glynda looked up in realization, "What do you mean Ironwood?"

"You know, General Ironwood," Coco pointed at the bottom corner of the video feed where his name sat, "He's the one in charge of this whole thing."

"I still find it strange that he would host an event such as this," Yatsuhashi said, "I never took him as someone who enjoyed things considered fun in any-

The large boy was interrupted by Glynda once again as she shot up from her seat and stormed off, making a beeline towards the large pair of doors. That moron had gone too far, and it was time she found a way to put a stop to this even if meant that Ozpin's nemesis would claim victory. Glynda just didn't give a damn anymore.

"Is everything alright?" Velvet stood up and called to her. Her only answer was the loud slamming of the doors. "…I don't think everything's alright, Coco."

"I would have never guessed."

* * *

Hundreds of miles north of Beacon Academy, General James Ironwood sat in his office reading the daily newspaper. He had just returned from a long flight from Vale, having taken the weekend off to relax on familiar turf. Things had been surprisingly quiet lately in regards to conflict, and he was going to take advantage of the peace. Yawning, he propped his feet up on his desk, tossing his paper on the floor as he got ready to get some much needed sleep.

" _Sir!"_

Or not.

That nap would have to wait as Winter Schnee burst into his quarters, a laptop underneath her arm. Quickly positioning himself into a more dignified posture, he saluted the young woman. "Miss Schnee. Do you remember what I told you about knocking?"

"I'm sorry sir!" Winter bowed her head, "But I received an urgent message from Glynda Goodwitch of Beacon Academy. She wanted you to see this."

"See what, exactly?"

Winter walked up to his desk and opened the laptop. She pulled up the website Glynda had sent her a link to, and pointed to the small name in the corner of a video feed. "She told me that unspeakable things have been happening in this household my younger sister is currently residing in as part of a so-called 'bet' Headmaster Ozpin is having with the enemy. Those offenses include underage drinking and assumed bribery, not to mention impersonation of a military officer-

" _Winter."_

The hardened General's eyes were narrow slits, barely able to contain the rage fueling inside his cybernetic body. Ozpin was going to pay for ruining his vacation.

Oh yes, he was going to pay _very_ dearly for this.

"Yes sir?"

"Get my airship ready. We're making a house call."


	28. Please Explain

**Day 10/30**

* * *

Cinder opened her eyes immediately at the sound of her morning alarm. It was rare that she enjoyed waking up so early, but today was special.

Today, she would get to gloat in Ozpin's face. And there would be nothing he could do to stop her.

As she brushed her teeth after her shower, she couldn't help but keep a little grin on her face as she thought of the ways she could belittle the incompetent man. She'd start with the cameras of course. Emerald had gotten to point them out last time Ozpin stepped into the home, but now she was going to take it even further. Cinder had seen his set-up in that beaten up white van, and there were just so many pedophile themed jabs she could make at him.

Yes, it was petty. But Cinder wouldn't get many chances to do this, especially to his face. It would be wrong not to take advantage of it.

Cinder took a seat in the lounge that gave her the best possible view of the front door. Ozpin was supposed to show up at 10 AM sharp, as per her demand. She was going to be the one to open that door for him and greet him with the best smug smile of all time. It was going to be perfect.

Tapping her fingers anxiously on her leg, Cinder nodded to Emerald as she joined her on the couch. "You're up early, ma'am. You really want to lay it into that creep, don't you?"

"You have no idea, Emerald," Cinder said proudly, closing her eyes, "She will be so pleased with me for knocking him off his throne, even if it is just for this. Consider it a teaser for what we do to him and his allies after this is all said and done."

"Still down for tearing Beacon Academy down, aren't you?"

"Of course. Aren't you?"

"Well," Emerald looked away, rubbing the back of her head, "I mean, if you are still going for it then I'll follow you anywhere. But if this prize money turns out to be pretty big in zeroes…"

Cinder gave her most loyal servant a stern look. "How can you be so easily swayed by such a meaningless thing as money?"

"I'm a thief, ma'am. It's kind of the main thing I need in life."

"Who needs money when you can have power?"

Before Emerald could respond, there was a knock at the door. Cinder's eyes lit up (not literally, for once) and she sprinted over to the door. Fixing her hair so she could look as superior as possible, she cleared her throat as she pulled the door handle.

"Why, good morning Ozpin! Won't you…"

She stopped, looking the person over twice just to make sure she wasn't seeing things. She glanced back at the clock hanging in the lounge: it was 10 AM sharp. She narrowed her eyes at the stranger, gritting her teeth. Ozpin was one crafty bastard.

"…Who the hell are you?"

"Oh boy," the scruffy man scratched at his facial hair after taking a swig from his flask. This wasn't going to be fun. "Let's get this over with."

* * *

 **10 Minutes Ago:**

"So, what's you're excuse gonna be, Oz?" Qrow asked. He was leaning against the interior of the van, his arms folded as he stared at the Headmaster. Ozpin's had shut down the camera feed in preparation for the meeting with the housemates; the audience didn't need to see any behind-the-scenes footage just yet.

Ozpin spun his chair around, handing Qrow a sticky note filled to the corners with words. "It is all on this. I suggest reading it over a couple times so you can recite it from memory."

"Why should I have to memorize this?" Qrow said, trying his best to read the miniscule cursive writing.

"What are you talking about? You're going to the house, remember?"

Qrow raised an eyebrow at Ozpin. "No I'm not. _You are."_

"Do you not remember what I told you before?" Ozpin replied, raising one finger, "I am only permitted one interference during this wager. I already made mine when I negotiated with the authorities-

" _Bribed_ the authorities."

"Qrow, please. What did I say about using such negative terminology?"

"Oh whatever," Branwen rolled his eyes, "Just get to your point."

"Quite. As I was saying, I am only allowed to interfere once in their activities. From now on, you will act as my substitute when a problem arises that requires outside negotiation."

"…No."

"Yes."

"Shit…" Qrow groaned, pinching his brow. He was beginning to feel sorry for Glynda right now in having to work with this guy every day. "Are you really that afraid of these kids?"

"Not afraid, Qrow. I am only being an honorable man and sticking to my part of the wager. Plus, it will also give you the chance to see your nieces again. Wouldn't you like that oppurtunity?"

Dammit. He was playing the family card. Ozpin knew Qrow could never refuse a chance to see Ruby and Yang. Clever bastard.

"You owe me one then," Qrow sighed, reading the note again. He began to realize that most of the things written on this note didn't have anything to do with his excuse at all. "What the hell do you have written on here?"

"What do you mean?"

"Right here. You wrote, ' _That squirrel is looking at me again from outside. Ask the drunk if he has any knives on him. Do not specify the reason_.' Seriously Oz? It's just a goddamn squirrel!"

"What? I have reason to believe it may be rabid. I would prefer not to get bitten."

"You only go outside the van to use the bathroom! And that's only once every two days!"

"That reminds me, don't open that drawer over there," Ozpin said, pointing to a little door with a couple flies hovering outside of it, "I have yet to empty my bucket since the thunderstorm yesterday night."

"…Did you really _shit in a bucket_ when I wasn't looking?"

"When you were asleep, to be exact. Now, I would get moving if I were you. The housemates are waiting."

You couldn't have made Qrow dash out of that van any faster than he had.

Seriously, he had to have ran at Mach 10 for at least a few seconds.

* * *

Cinder and Emerald sat across from Branwen as he took another big chug from his flask, giving him looks of disgust. The dusty man shrugged at them like nothing was wrong. "What? It's just soda in here. If I had any alcohol, I'd sure as hell be drinking it right now."

"You still haven't answered my question," Cinder said, "Who are you?"

"Really? Thought I had."

"You look familiar, though," Emerald squinted, trying to recognize where she had seen this guy before, "Have we met before?"

"Don't think so," Qrow said, "Might've been a passing glance or something. I know a lot of people. Name's Qrow Branwen. And I'm-

" _UNLCE QROW!"_

Apparently Qrow said his name loud enough for a bed-ridden Ruby to hear. The young girl's cold was seemingly cured by his gravelly voice, and she had shot down the stairs in a blur of black and white, still clad in her pajamas. Ruby tackled her uncle full force, knocking him to the floor and embracing him in a tight bear hug.

" _Uncle Qrow! I missed you so much! Did you miss me? Did ya!?"_

"Nope," Qrow smiled, rustling the girl's hair as he looked back up at Cinder and Emerald, "I've got some blood living here, if you couldn't tell."

"Ruby!" Yang came rushing down the stairs in her own sleepwear after her sister, "You're sick! Get back in- _Uncle!"_

As the blonde ran over to hug Qrow, Cinder and Emerald shared a disgusted grimace. This was way too sappy a scene for them to tolerate.

"What are you doing here?" Ruby asked, 'Oh! Did you come to live with us?!"

"Not exactly, kid," Qrow said, "I've been here for a while though keepin' Ozpin company out there in his van."

"You were out there the whole time? Why didn't you tell us?"

"Yeah," Yang said, "If I had known you were trapped out there yesterday, I would've come to help!"

"Had to stay on the down-low for a bit," Qrow said, "Heck, I probably shouldn't even be here right now. But a man's gotta do his job, y'know?"

"What's all the commotion?" Blake descended from the staircase, yawning and rubbing her eyes. The entirety of the house was following behind her, all still in their pajamas and groggy. Soon enough, they were all gathered around the lounge, staring at Qrow.

"So, uh," Torchwick yawned, looking around, "Where's _overlord_ Ozpin at?"

Ruby and Yang turned to their uncle, waiting for an answer. The man groaned; this was the part he was resenting the most. "Ozpin… Can't be here right now."

"Of course he couldn't be," Cinder rolled her eyes, "What was his excuse?"

"A squirrel."

Dead silence.

"You're joking, right?" Weiss replied, hand on her hip, "You have to be joking."

"I wish I was, little lady," Qrow sighed, "I wish I was."

"Is it a giant mutant squirrel?" Nora asked, clenching her fists in excitement, "If it is, I call dibs on fighting it!"

"He claims it was rabid."

" _Even better!"_

"I wouldn't mess with rabid animals," the Lieutenant chimed in, "Those things will tear you a new asshole. And believe me, I've had my butt take that sort of punishment more than a few times."

"Just had to say it like that, didn't you?" Mercury replied with a deadpan stare.

Prying Ruby off of his torso, Qrow stood up and clapped his hands to get everyone's attention. "Look, everyone. It doesn't matter if Oz is here or not. I can explain everything just as well as he could. Probably even better, now that I think about it. Now, if everyone would just take a seat-

"Wait!" Pyrrha raised her hand up, putting a finger to her lips, "Do you hear that?"

"What are you talking abo-

Qrow was interrupted mid-sentence at the sudden roar of metal blades cutting through air just outside of the house, followed by the ground shaking as something landed outside. Every member of the house was frozen still as they heard the hissing of a cockpit door opening, and the sound of footsteps walking up to the front door. Not even a second later was the front door kicked in as a tall, imposing figure barged inside.

" _Ozpin!"_ James Ironwood bellowed, cocking his revolver with intent to fire, _"Where the hell are you hiding?! Come out here so I can teach you some respect!"_

Qrow's jaw dropped upon seeing James, and he looked down to his flask. Maybe if he stared at it long enough, the soda inside would magically convert to whiskey.

Because if there was ever a time he needed alcohol, it would be right fucking now.


	29. The Gang Witnesses Attempted Murder

**_Ey bois and grilz._**

 ** _Guess what? 202 followers, that's what!_**

 ** _Just a big, BIG thank you to everyone who has given this silly story a chance. This is my first story to break 100 followers, and I never thought it would get this high!_**

 ** _Y'all are great._**

* * *

Cracking his neck, a fuming General Ironwood strode into the lounge amidst the many staring faces. Unfortunately for him, none of them belonged to the man he had come here for. However, one of them was all too familiar and not very pleased to see him.

"Ever hear of knockin' Jimmy?" Qrow said dryly, "Lot of people do that these days instead of kicking doors in."

"Mr. Branwen," Ironwood ignored the drunk's jab, striding past the group towards another room, "I'm going to ask you once more. Where. Is. Ozpin?"

"Not here, obviously," Qrow took a few steps towards the General, "So why don't you explain what the hell you're doin' here."

"If you're here Qrow, then you know why I'm here. I'm on to you and Ozpin's scheme to tarnish my reputation, and I won't let it continue any longer."

The confused housemates began chatting among themselves. Blake leaned over to Ruby, pointing at Ironwood. "Isn't that Penny's _'father'_ or whatever? What's he doing here?"

"I dunno," Ruby replied, stroking her chin, "You think he brought Penny with him?"

"Oh, please," Weiss groaned, folding her arms across her chest, "The last thing we need here is that ditzy robot running around. We already have enough problems and enough people to deal with."

"Aw, but Penny's cool! She could room with us!"

"Ruby, if one more person comes into this building, I will personally see them out that-"

"Sir!" a voice called from outside the door, one that made Weiss' face light up instantly. Winter Schnee dashed inside, dusting off her uniform as her commanding officer looked upon her. "I just finished inspecting the airship and the damage caused during its landing. We seemed to have only knocked over two trees during-

" _Winter!"_ Weiss exclaimed, waving at her sister with glee.

"Weiss?" Winter's attention left Ironwood for a brief moment, and she nodded to her younger sibling with the faintest of smiles. "How have you been?"

"Oh God, there's two of them…" Cinder moaned, pinching her brow.

"Winter?" Qrow turned back to see the elder Schnee standing in the doorway, and his level of annoyance went up another notch. The white-haired woman wasn't too pleased to see him either. _"Winter."_

"… _Branwen."_

" _NORA!"_

"Not now, Nora," Ren sighed, pushing his partner back down into her chair, "Sorry, everyone. She gets excited at times like this."

"Better than being a stuck-up maid, I say," Qrow replied, nodding his head at Winter.

"At least I have class," Winter stuck her nose up at the drunk, "Unlike some people."

"Schnee," Ironwood said sternly, "Do not let his taunting get to you. We have a mission to complete here."

"Oh, so it's a mission now?" Qrow laughed, "What're ya gonna do? Make my life a living hell? Because it's been one for the past week or so since I've been here."

"Run out of alcohol, I presume?"

"That ain't even the half of it, Jimmy. So why don't you just get back on yer big metal ship and fly back to Atlas so we can get on with our lives?"

"Not until I have an explanation from Ozpin."

"This is about the whole branding thing on the website, right? Don't you think you're overreacting a bit?"

" _Website?"_ Emerald perked up, looking at those around her, "Okay, I can't be the only one who heard that. What website?"

"Shut up Em," Mercury said, as Neo pulled out her phone to start filming the altercation, "This is getting good. _"_

"Absolutely not!" Winter intervened, clenching her fists, "You are extorting these children for your personal gain-

"Just want to mention," Torchwick interrupted, "I'm of legal drinking age, and am no child. Also, there definitely isn't a warrant for my arrest. I just happen to look a lot like that one dashing fellow on the wanted posters."

"…Not to mention providing them with alcohol of all things! And this is all under the name of the most prestigious General on the planet!"

"Kiss ass," Qrow muttered, "No wonder he chose you to be his servant girl."

"Hey!" Weiss stomped her foot in anger, "Don't speak to my sister like that!"

"I'd advise you listen to Heiress Weiss," Ironwood told Qrow, "We are here for Ozpin, not you."

"Or what?" Qrow smirked, "You gonna pull out that wood of yours and smack me with it? Oh, wait… You probably can't even have that now, do ya?"

"Oh dear," Pyrrha blushed, covering her mouth, "I do not like where this is going."

"I'm guessing those cybernetics of yours go pretty far, right? Your poor wife. I bet she's got someone on the down-low who isn't always cold as steel, if you know what I'm saying."

Ironwood's eye was twitching violently now.

"Hey," Qrow leaned in closer, cupping his mouth with his hand so only James could hear. "Between you and me, you've got a good thing goin' on with Ice Queen over there. The whole dominatrix get-up with the hooker boots and all? Not bad taste, if I dare say so myself. She probably doesn't mind the taste of lead, I'm guessing?"

And there it was.

Ironwood's gloved hand wrapped its fingers around Qrow's neck and tossed him over the housemates. He landed just shy of the TV, which Sun was guarding with his body. The General nodded once to Winter, who replied by drawing her rapier.

"Schnee: Restrain him."

"With pleasure, sir."

"Dammit, Ozpin," Qrow cursed under his breath, blaming the man in the van for his troubles as he dodged a strike from Schnee. That idiot and his fear of a goddamn rodent!

" _WOO-HOO!"_ Merc clapped loudly, throwing his arm over Neo's shoulder as Winter sliced off half of Qrow's cape, _"WORLDSTAR, BABY!"_

"Someone should stop them!" Blake suggested.

"Sorry kitty-cat," Roman answered, "But I don't have a death wish."

Rolling past Weiss, Qrow stumbled to his feet and ran upstairs, hoping to find something to defend himself with up there. Winter was close on his tail, and so was someone else.

"Hey, big guy!" Yang called after the Lieutenant, "What the heck are doing?"

"Adam's up in my room! I gotta protect him!"

"He's persistent, I'll give him that," Weiss shrugged as the battle continued out of sight. Ironwood approached the group of housemates from behind, standing tall among them.

"I must apologize for all of this," James said, "I did not come here to bring strife upon any of you. Only to Ozpin."

"Yeah, we kinda figured that part out," Jaune said.

"Would any of you happen to know where he is?"

"Outside," Cinder couldn't answer fast enough, "In a van. _Alone. Defenseless."_

"Would you mind showing me the way?"

"I thought you'd never ask."

* * *

"Can't we talk this out?"

Wielding a small lamp in his hands, Qrow tried his best to look intimidating as Winter stared him down from the opposite end of the hall. The Ice Queen split her rapier in two, twirling both blades in her hands.

"You've already said enough!" Winter shouted, dashing towards him. She lowered herself closer to the floor as Qrow chucked the lamp over her. Though the appliance missed its intended target, it was still going to hit someone today.

"Adam!" the Lieutenant shrieked, reaching the top of the stairs completely unaware of the incoming object, "I'm coming! I'm-

 _*THUNK!*_

Not even acknowledging the downed Lieutenant, Winter continued striking at Qrow. Branwen was beginning to realize he was much better at dodging when buzzed, as one of Schnee's jabs managed to cut him across the cheek. Still, the over-extended attack gave him an opening.

"Little close there!" Qrow smirked as he reached up and grabbed Winter's hand, "Not that I mind!"

"Don't touch me!" Winter said with disgust, pulling her hand back. She had loosened her grip on her smaller blade briefly, and it gave Qrow the chance to pry it out from her fingers. He studied the flimsy rapier, giving it a couple test swings.

"This'll do, I guess," Qrow shrugged, parrying Winter's strike with an upward slash.

None too pleased with the drunk soiling her weapon with his touch, Winter quickened her pace, slashing at him with twice the speed as she had before. She noticed she couldn't move as nimbly as she usually could; it seemed that Goodwitch was right in how the barrier limited one's abilities. Using her glyph techniques would be very useful right now, especially since Qrow seemed to be gaining the upper hand while wielding a blade. He was matching each of her strikes with his own, and she was beginning to grow tired.

"What's wrong, Ice Queen?" Qrow taunted, "Can't beat me on even terms? Jimmy's not gonna like that."

The two of them stepped back and took strong swings at each other. Pushing her blade against his, Winter felt Qrow pushing her back. Thinking quickly, she tried a disarming technique, twisting her blade down the side of Qrow's and hitting his wrist with the bottom of her handle. It worked perfectly, but she was unable to stop Qrow from using his free hand to knock her own blade away. The dual rapiers tumbled down the hall, landing in front of an open room.

Qrow and Winter glared at each other. Whomever reached those weapons first would be able to end this scuffle. And neither one of them was ready to lose.

They dashed down the hall, shoving at each other the whole time. Winter kicked Qrow in the ankle, but he grabbed hold of her leg as he fell to the floor.

"Let go!" Winter snarled, kicking him in the shoulder.

"Ow!" Branwen winced as the stiletto heel hit the nerve between his neck and arm, "Heel's ain't fair!"

"You deserve it!" Back on her feet, Winter turned around to go after her weapons once again.

She froze when she saw someone else had reached them first.

Winter didn't know who this man was, but she recognized the patterns on his half mask instantly. The red-haired man studied the two rapiers in his hands, a small smirk in the corner of his mouth.

"Funny, how the sounds of battle can awaken one's spirit," Adam grinned, pointing the blades at Winter and Qrow, "Which one of you would like to help me wake up even more?"


	30. Three Little Words

Ozpin tapped his finger nervously on his cheek. He could feel the beads of sweat dripping down his forehead as he stared blankly at the monitor, awaiting for impending doom to come upon him in one form or another.

She wasn't going to be pleased with how long he has had the cameras off. Breaking the rules briefly to stop some cops was one thing, and the power going out was unpreventable, but doing it now for an unspecified reason was something else entirely. She didn't know Qrow was here with him (at least he didn't think she knew), and her finding out about his 'assistance' would surely cost him victory.

Maybe he could convince him he was just some dirty hobo who just wandered into the jeep at night, and-

 _*BEEP-BEEP*_

Ozpin froze as the small symbol for his webcam began blinking on his taskbar.

"Speak of the devil…"

For a moment, he almost didn't click on the icon. But then again, doing that would make things even more suspicious from her point of view. After the single click, Ozpin's eyes met the pure red, malice filled ones of his greatest adversary.

"Hello, Ozpin."

"Hello… Salem." The demonic war queen stood before a backdrop akin to hell, with black clouds hovering over a desolate landscape. Apparently she couldn't afford a van, so Ozpin checked that off on his _'Ways I'm Better Than The Old Hag'_ list he had stored in the front of his mind. "And what can I ask this sudden face-to-face is about?"

"Oh, Oz," Salem crooned, giving him the smuggest of smirks imaginable, "So skilled at playing the innocent party. You really didn't think I'd notice those cameras being turned off?"

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Lying already, I see. I hope you don't think I'm as stupid as most of the people you know."

"It was worth a shot, I suppose."

"Care to explain yourself then?"

Sighing, Ozpin lowered his head in shame as he thought of some sort of excuse. He had trained himself for these kinds of moments; thinking of crack-pot explanations in tight situations was his greatest skill.

"I… I must confess. I've done something incredibly wrong, and I am ashamed of myself. I hope you can excuse this incident and not hold it against me."

Salem grinned, amused by his guilt. "I might, if you tell me just what it is you've been doing."

Ozpin began to hold his breath to make his cheeks blush slightly. "Well, you see… When a man is alone in a van for slightly over a week, surrounded by computer monitors, he becomes... _curious."_

"…Go on," Salem slowly raised an eyebrow. Surely, he hadn't been doing _that_ , of all things.

It was then Ozpin knew just how to cut this call short. "I believe the best way to tell you is to let you listen for yourself."

"I'd rather not," Salem answered quickly.

"Please, I insist," Ozpin assured, opening up a separate window on his screen. He typed _Vixens of Vale Unleashed_ into the search bar, a site he had heard many male students speak highly of during lunch period. Clicking on a tasteful looking video, he cranked the volume up to eleven so Salem could hear even the smallest of sounds. "It is too vulgar to describe with just words."

Cringing as moans and slaps projected from her side of the call, Salem cringed and covered her ears. "T-Typical of you, Ozpin! This only shows how much of a failure of a man you are!"

"If you do not hold this against me, then I will turn this off," Ozpin said, giving her his best fake shameful face, "The cameras will go back on once I am _finished."_

" _Fine!"_ Salem snarled, pointing a menacing finger at Ozpin, "But no more mulligans! Next time you fail, this bet is _mine!"_

The webcam window went black as the witch cut off her feed. A smile of victory on his face, Ozpin basked in his win as he plopped back down into his chair. Never before did the sounds of pornography feel so satisfying…

And then the door burst open.

 _"Ozpin!"_ Ironwood bellowed, stomping into the van with a snickering Cinder behind him, "It's time to… _What in God's name?!"_

"Uh…" Ozpin stammered, as screams and spanks filled the awkward silence, "Hello, James… I can assure you, there is a perfectly rational explanation for-

" _I doubt that."_

As Ironwood stomped towards the Headmaster. Cinder pulled out her phone and took a quick snapshot. Because looking at a picture of Ozpin just before getting the shit kicked out him in front of porn was never going to stop being funny.

* * *

"I'm telling you, this is a bad idea," Weiss said as she followed Ruby up the steps. Behind her was Blake, Yang, and a reluctant Neo whom Roman sent along to make sure the combatants hadn't damaged his belongings. Sometimes the tiny woman even wondered why she stuck around with him aside from _one_ reason.

The free money, of course. Don't be a pervert.

"Aw, relax!" Ruby assured her as they reached the top of the steps, "It can't be that bad- _Uh-oh."_

As they reached the top of the stairs, they were greeted by the body of the Lieutenant, the big guy rubbing his aching head. Just before that, a blur of black and red had leaped over him with two swords in hand. In an instant, they all realized that blur wasn't Qrow or Winter.

"A-Adam's awake?" Blake winced, her bow quivering slightly.

"And he's got weapons," Yang said, grabbing hold of Neo's collar as she tried to slink away, "This isn't good. With that barrier around the house, we're at a pretty big disadvantage here. No aura means one slash can hurt us. Or worse."

"We have to do something," Ruby said, "Uncle Qrow and Winter are tough, but I don't think they can hold him off alone."

"But how can we take him down?" Weiss asked, "None of us have our weapons. The only one who can out-muscle him is the Lieutenant, but I don't think he's getting up any time soon!"

Suddenly, Neo perked up. Tugging on Ruby's cape, she began typing words on her phone before handing it to the team leader.

"Neo says Roman has his Melodic Cudgel under his bed," Ruby said, reading off the phone, "If one of us can undo the safety then we can use it to take Adam down!"

"Their room's all the way down the hall," Weiss said, peeking around the corner. She could see her sister and Qrow dodging Adam's attacks, but they were still exhausted from their own fight. It wouldn't be much longer before one of them took a hit. "Some of us will have to help distract Adam while the others get Roman's cane."

"We can do that," Yang said, "Short-stuff here is a pro at that, let me tell you."

Neo began to shake her head in protest, but Weiss knew how to deal with her type. "Look, if you help us out, I'll split my winning with you. 80-20. Sound good?"

Never before had a criminal been swayed so quickly.

"I'll help too," Blake said, clenching her fist, "I won't let Adam hurt anyone else."

Smiling, Ruby nodded and gave them a thumbs up. "Alrighty then. Let's do this thing."

* * *

"So, you got a plan Ice Queen?" Qrow grunted, gripping his shoulder as Winter backed up beside him. The two stared down Adam as he stopped to catch his breath, brandishing the two rapiers at his side. Adam was much younger than them, but he was just as skilled with a blade as they were.

"I wish that I did," Winter replied, brushing back a lock of hair from her eye. She turned her attention back to Adam, who was preparing to attack once more. "You do realize that this won't end well for you? Once General Ironwood returns, you'll be spending time in a jail cell where you belong!"

To her surprise, Adam began to laugh. Slowly at first, then nearly uncontrollably. "You think _that_ is bad?! _Ha!_ I've been rejected by my mate, thrown out a window, stuffed in a doghouse to sleep outside during a _damn hurricane_ , and have been sexually assaulted by _my own soldier!_ Prison is an _upgrade_ from here! _This house is Hell on Earth!"_

As Adam continued ranting about his experiences, Winter and Qrow noticed Team Ruby and Neo sneaking up behind the Faunus. Yang put a finger to her lips, hushing the two to not give their presence away. Having paced back to the end of the hall, Blake began running at full speed towards her former partner.

"I await whatever that place has for me! But first I'm going to kill you all-

Before he could finish, Adam fell forward after taking Blake's running dropkick straight into his spine. He rolled back onto his feet, pointing a sword at Belladonna.

"…Why must you hurt me, Blake?" Adam growled, "It didn't have to end this way. All you had to do was submit, and no one would have to die."

"You are right," Blake said, looking at Adam with determined eyes, "It didn't have to be this way. But you just couldn't change."

Having been distracted by Blake, Adam didn't see Neo coming at him from the right as she delivered a swift kick into his side. Taurus stabbed towards her as he hit the wall, but the short woman arched her back instantly. He continued to attack at her, but for every slash he swung Neo dodged with ease. As they fought, Ruby and Weiss rushed past them to check on Qrow and Winter.

"Uncle Qrow!" Ruby hugged her uncle, keeping him on his feet, "Are you okay?"

"Yeah. Just a bit bruised. Mostly from Winter, though."

"Not the time, Branwen," Winter scolded, gripping her side, "I assume you all have come up with a strategy."

"Just leave this one to us," Weiss smiled, pulling her sister towards Roman's room, "You two need to rest."

Down the hall, it was Yang's turn. Though she lacked Ember Celica, she could still throw a mean right hook. Striding in as Adam focused his attention to Neo, she hit him with a left body blow, then with an uppercut as he spun around to see his new attacker.

But Adam was not going down so easily. Falling backwards, he hit Yang with a big boot to the chest, knocking her to the floor. He thrust his sword down at her, and Yang barely moved her face away in time as the blade cut through part of her hair.

" _Oh you're in for it now!"_ Yang snarled, sweeping Taurus's leg out from under him. Seeing the opportunity for a team attack, Neo kicked the descending Faunus back up with her heel as Blake gave him a taste of her foot with a jumping roundhouse.

"Just give up Adam!" Blake yelled as Taurus pushed himself back up, "This is your last chance!"

"I… I won't!" Adam roared, _"I won't lose to any of you!"_

Grabbing hold of the end of a nearby coffee table, Adam flipped furniture towards the girls. As they dodged the table, Adam strafed around it and shoulder-blocked Yang.

"Yang!" Blake cried out. She ripped a curtain off the wall and swung it at Adam. He sliced through it with ease, and ran through the parted fabric at Blake. He released one of his swords and grabbed Blake by the neck with his free hand, holding her up above him.

"You've failed me," Adam said, tightening his hold on her throat, "After all of my discipline, all of my love, you still reject me. This is your final punishment."

" _Blake!"_ Yang shouted, running towards Adam but stopping when he raised the tip of his other blade to Blake's heart.

"I wouldn't move," Adam grinned widely, "My hand might slip. You took her from _me,_ and I'll gladly take her away from _you."_

Gritting her teeth, Yang stepped back. "Put her down, you bastard. _NOW!"_

"I don't think so," Adam retorted, starting to walk down the hall with Blake, "We're going to my room to settle this. And once we're done in there, I'm coming for the rest of you."

However, Taurus had lost track of one of his opponents. Slowly unzipping her jacket, Neo sneaked up behind Adam staying low to the ground before hopping up and wrapping the white garment over his face, tying its sleeves in a knot. Blinded, Adam let go of Blake instantly and began swinging his blade in Neo's direction, narrowly slicing through her under-sweater at the waist.

Neo couldn't have acted at a better time. Down the hall, Ruby, Qrow, Winter, and Weiss emerged from Roman's room, the younger Schnee holding Melodic Cudgel in her hands. "Somebody! Catch this!"

The cane went flying down the hall, zooming past Blake and Yang towards Neo. The short woman raised her hands to catch it, but a large muscular arm grabbed hold of it first.

Studying the weapon in his hand, the Lieutenant looked around him, then at Adam. He stared at his unhinged leader, who had dropped his sword to pry Neo's jacket off his face. Adam threw it to the ground, smiling devilishly at his Lieutenant.

"Excellent work, Lieutenant!" Taurus said, pointing at the girls around him, "Now blast them away!"

The Lieutenant looked at the girls, who seemed ready to fight him if necessary. His gaze fell on Neo in particular; of all people to help Team RWBY, he was most surprised by that minuscule sadist lending aid to stop Adam. He had realized that even Cinder, Mercury, Roman, and Emerald had done their best to try and integrate themselves into this household, having made peace with quite a few of their supposed enemies. He himself had made comrades in Ruby, and did his best to make amends with those he had wronged before. The only one who hadn't even tried… was Adam.

"… _I love you."_

"What did you just-

It took Adam a second to comprehend what he had just heard. But by then it was too late.

 _*THUNK!*_

There was a collective gasp from everyone around as the Lieutenant cracked Melodic Cudgel across the side of Adam's head, shattering his half-mask into multiple pieces. All eyes fell on the big guy, who stood over his unconscious leader. After kneeling down for a moment, the Lieutenant tossed the cane to Yang and walked down the steps, holding a fraction of Adam's mask in his fist.

"Uh…" Ruby scratched her head, as her and Weiss joined the others, with Qrow and Winter following close behind, "What just happened?"

Blake approached Adam, picking up Winter's sword and handing it to the elder Schnee. Looking at the empty stairway, she smiled softly. "A miracle, Ruby… Simply a miracle."


	31. Money Talks

_**Slightly early update this time. Thought about waiting a couple more days to post it but fuck it.**_

 _ **Enjoy!**_

* * *

"So, Ozpin… Let's talk."

Lying prone on the lounge's couch, Ozpin stared up at the ceiling wondering what he had done to deserve this punishment. It certainly wasn't for all the lies; everybody did that. Maybe not as much as him, but still. Maybe it was for leaving the van owner to die, but probably not. That's not how karma works, according to Ozpin.

But if we were to examine that part of his psyche, we'd be here for a while.

Ozpin could feel every bone in his body aching, and could feel a few he never thought he had as well. If Ironwood was anything, it was thorough. The General had made the best use of his cybernetic-enhanced fist to beat him senselessly, all while Cinder died of laughter in the background.

And now here he was, beaten and battered before his own students. How shameful that he couldn't even stand on his own two feet and stretch the truth like a real man would.

At least he wasn't the only defeated one here. Tied up and gagged in the corner was Adam Taurus, unconscious and minus his mask. Too bad his usually slicked-back hair had fallen over his face; Ozpin was curious to see the kind of face Belladonna had once been entranced by.

"Earth to Ozpin," Qrow said, waving his hand in front of Ozpin's eyes. The Headmaster weakly pushed himself up, clutching his gut.

"I'm assuming you couldn't tell them anything," Ozpin winced, adjusting his bent glasses.

"I may have gotten slightly distracted," Qrow looked over his shoulder at Winter, "Got a little carried away, you know? Then Adam woke up and, well, things went downhill from there."

"I see… However, I am very much in pain, so if you wouldn't mind explaining things in my place-

"Not happening," Ironwood cut him off quickly, "Don't think you can get out of this one, Ozpin. We're waiting. _All_ of us."

Ozpin looked from James to the housemates gathered around, each one of them looking at him expectantly. Even little Zwei was there, sitting patiently for him to speak. Seeing that Corgi there made Ozpin realize that stretching the truth wasn't an option. He could never lie to that cute of a face. Besides, he owed the dog anyways for rescuing him and Branwen from the van.

It was time to come clean.

"So… what would you all like to know first?"

"Qrow mentioned a website," Emerald pushed her way to the front of the crowd; this had been grating at her mind for too long, and she was fearing the worst about what that in tandem with the cameras meant. "What's its purpose?"

"Oh no!" Ruby cried, biting her nails, "He put us on one of those adult sites, didn't he? Like those ones Yang told me about! Ah, this is bad! _We're porn stars now!"_

"Ruby, how could he do that?" Pyrrha asked, "None of us have done anything that lewd here." She noticed Sun, Yang, Blake, Weiss, and Neo shifting uncomfortably at that claim. "As far as I'm aware of, at least."

"It is nothing of the sort," Ozpin clarified, "I assume you have all heard of reality television, correct?"

"No, we're only teenagers," Weiss said sarcastically, "We don't know about low-brow entertainment like that… Don't tell me you're implying what I think you are implying."

" _You son of a bitch!"_ Cinder snarled, realizing her singing exploits may have been heard by millions, "You exploited our lives for cheap entertainment?!"

Qrow put his hands up in defense of Ozpin, trying to take some of the heat away from the Headmaster. "Look, look. Don't get up on Ozpin's case on this. It was my idea to do this."

"But why didn't you tell us about it then?" Yang asked her uncle, "If you hadn't kept it a secret, some of us wouldn't be angry with you guys now."

"It was kind of a last-minute thing," Qrow said, "You see, Ozpin had kind of, well… He never had any prize money for any of you-

" _WHAT?!"_

Qrow flinched at the erupting voices of Roman and Emerald (and the silent death glare from Neo). He could feel Ozpin burning a hole in the back of his skull as well for throwing him under the bus, but that didn't bother him as much. Ozpin was well-deserved of this humiliation. Qrow hushed the housemates as he continued.

"So that's why Glynda sent me here in the first place. I had to think of a way to earn enough lien to give to you all once this was over. When I heard Ozpin had installed cameras to watch over you, I figured streaming your lives would earn enough donations from viewers to pay you all evenly and heartily."

"…So, does this make us celebrities now?" Jaune asked, getting no answer.

"That..." Roman paused, thinking rationally, "That's actually a smart idea."

Many faces turned to Torchwick: had he actually _complimented_ someone?!

" _What?"_ Roman shrugged, addressing the staring faces, "I enjoy watching others suffer, and I'm sure as hell not the only one in this world that does. With all the shit we go through in this place, I can bet you all that there's a bunch of people giving good lien to keep watching us die slowly in here. Lien that's going to be lining our pockets soon enough."

"…Never expected a rational thought out of you," Emerald sighed, pointing to Ozpin next. "Still pissed at you for spying on us in the first place though, you pervert. That ain't ever going to sit well with me."

"At least we're still going to get paid," Merc shrugged, "If I hadn't gotten anything out of this, I was going to _kill everyone_ the moment that barrier went down! Even _you,_ Cinder! Wouldn't _that_ have sucked?"

He started laughing. No one else did.

"…Yeah, on second thought maybe I shouldn't have said that."

"Just curious," Blake spoke up, "How much lien have we earned so far?"

"Hm," Qrow scratched his face, trying to remember the exact number, "I think something like 6 million or something close to-

" _6 MILLION?!"_ the entire room shouted aloud, minus Qrow and Ozpin; even Ironwood and Winter were shocked by the huge number. Funny how the amount of zeroes can sway emotions in people, isn't it? Because everyone's opinion of the situation just flipped 180 degrees at that instant.

"We _are_ celebrities!" Jaune cheered, throwing his arms around Pyrrha and Sun's shoulders.

"S-six million in ten days?!" Weiss's hand covered her mouth, "That's nearly a quarter my family makes in an entire year!"

"So doing the math," Ren raised his finger, multiplying and adding in his head, "That means by the end of this we will-

" _Be super-duper-filthy-stinking rich!"_ Nora interrupted, "I can buy all the pancakes in the world! And a castle to put them in!"

"I'll never have to steal again!" Emerald said, moneybags in her eyes.

"I could finally drive a Lamborghini!" Yang grinned widely.

"I could rule a small country…" Cinder murmured, enticed by the potential power.

"Women will crawl to me on hands and knees!" Mercury boasted.

"A lifetime supply of tuna…" Blake drooled.

'You're the best, Uncle Qrow!" Ruby leaped onto her uncle, "Dad will be so surprised when we come home rich!"

Basking in the positive vibes, Qrow looked down at Ozpin and winked. The Headmaster bowed his head in respect; the dusty man had pulled it off, even though he had buried him in the process.

"So," Ozpin interjected, "Is there anything else you would like to know?"

"I've got something to ask."

The crowd turned to the Lieutenant, who had been silent this whole time. There was no hint of glee in his voice.

"What about Adam? He tried to kill Qrow, Yang, Blake… You said that once we start fighting among ourselves, we lose right? If he does that again, and I know he will once he wakes up, then we all lose. He… _He can't stay here."_

"I'm afraid that is impossible," Ozpin sighed, "If he was to leave, then that would be a breach of the rules. He must stay here for you win, unfortunately."

Now that turned everyone's mood upside down. The Lieutenant was right: Adam was going to bring them all down no matter what. Dreams of lives of luxury began trickling down the drain…

But not if Ironwood had anything to say about it.

"I actually have a solution to that," the General said, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a shiny collar with blinking red lights, "This is a shock restraint. It can sense high amounts of blood pressure within an individual and will strike them with a small – but intense – jolt of electricity upon detection." Ironwood approached Taurus and snapped the collar around his neck. "Only I have the key to unlock it. It should be impossible for him to take it off."

"Do you really think that will work?" Blake asked, imagining Adam being shocked over and over, "Can you give a demonstration?"

"And why the change of mood?" Qrow followed, "You came here to stop this, didn't you? Why try and help now?"

Ironwood smiled: a rare sight. "Knowing how much money these children have earned, I have figured out the way in which I will be compensated for Ozpin using my title without permission."

"And that way is…?"

"In due time, Branwen, you will know. Winter, it is about time we depart. I have a phone call to make. Until next time, everyone."

Saying his goodbyes to the housemates and Qrow with a nod (and a nice glare just for Ozpin), Ironwood saw his way out. Once the General was gone, Winter approached her sister and gave her a quick hug.

"Take care of yourself," Winter said, touching her sister on the shoulder, "And try not to tarnish our family's name with any extensive debauchery."

Weiss rolled her eyes. "Yeah, I love you too."

After another quick embrace, Winter turned to leave. She made brief eye contact with Qrow, but cut it off after he winked at her; how could someone be so disgusting and charming at the same time?

"So, that's that," Qrow yawned, hoisting Ozpin off the couch, "We better get back to our van now. Gotta treat his wounds and all, you know." He smiled at his nieces, saluting them briefly. "You stay good, kiddos."

"Try not to be a stranger!" Yang replied with a smile.

"Yeah, stop back in Uncle Qrow!" Ruby waved as the men went outside. The room fell silent once the door closed shut.

"Alright," Sun said, "What now? We're basically on a TV show. Should we just act all crazy and make fools of ourselves to get a bigger paycheck?"

"That's what every other reality star does," Jaune said, "Why should we be any different?"

"I would like to say," Pyrrha interjected, "That our 'audience' doesn't know we know we're on camera. If we begin acting oddly so blatantly, they will think this is scripted and won't be enticed to donate."

"Welp, there goes our plan," Roman sighed, tapping Neo on the shoulder, "Button that shirt up, Buttercup. Flashing is a no-go. Just the occasional nip-slip."

"Wait a minute," Mercury said, chuckling suspiciously, "That gives me an idea."

"Oh, this can't be good," Sun groaned, remembering Merc's last idea.

"We all know what time of year it is, right? Air's hot, wind's hot, everything's hot! And we just happen to have a pool out back. You know what that means?"

"…We go swimming?" Jaune asked.

Merc grinned, eyeing up all the ladies in the room.

"Not just that… _Fanservice."_


	32. Service, Service!

**Some of you may have noticed with your own stories, but reviews haven't been showing up on the site for a couple of days. They're recorded on the story stats, but I can't read them anywhere else other than through my notification email.**

 **Pretty annoying, isn't it? Either way, just want to say thanks to those who left reviews that aren't showing up. I've seen them all on my email, and I appreciate them ;)**

* * *

 **Day 11/30**

* * *

It was nearly the perfect day outside. Birds were chirping, clouds were few in the bright blue sky, and the summer heat was at its highest in weeks. There was no better time for the housemates to have some fun under the sun.

Well, almost all of them.

"Aw, come on Blake! You have to swim with us!" Ruby pleaded her Faunus teammate. The cat leaned against the wall of her team leader's room as Yang and Weiss finished changing into their swimsuits. The girls already living in the room had waited for Ren to leave so they wouldn't have to get undressed in mixed company, where Yang and Blake had joined them to get away from the Lieutenant. The big guy had insisted they stay, claiming that seeing them naked wouldn't phase him at all. They didn't doubt his claim at all, but still felt uncomfortable with him sitting there in only a speedo.

"I think I'll pass on that, thank you," Blake replied, pulling at the string of her purple sundress.

"Are you sure?" Ruby pressed, now snapping a bright orange life vest around Zwei.

"I'm quite sure. I didn't pack a swimsuit anyways." Blake lied blatantly. She figured it was better to pull an Ozpin in this situation than let her friends know that she wasn't too fond of water. Yang already had enough cat jokes for her, and she didn't need to give her partner any more material.

"You can borrow one of mine," Weiss offered, holding up a frilly white bikini that matched her own. Yang couldn't help but snicker at the heiress.

"Don't you think it'll be tight around a certain region?" the blonde implied, pointing at both Blake and Weiss's chests, "She isn't as lacking in the areas you are."

"Hey!" Weiss blushed in anger, pointing her own finger at Yang, "I'd rather be like this than carry _those_ around!"

"Oh, you're just jealous of what I'm packing," Yang boasted, striking a pose in her yellow sling bikini, "If you got the goods, then show them off!" As Weiss was about to retaliate, there was a knock at the door. "Come on in!"

"Hello!" Pyrrha waved, peeking her head in, "Mind if I change in here? The boys are still in my room and Cinder is using the bathroom."

"Be our guest," Weiss said, handing a bottle of sunscreen to Ruby, "Could you get my back?"

"Yeah, gimme a minute!" Ruby answered, lying awkwardly on the floor as she tried to tie her swimsuit's strings behind her back. "This always takes me a while…"

"So…" Yang grinned slyly, leaning in towards Pyrrha, "What are you wearing to seduce Jaune?"

" _Gah?!"_ The redhead jumped, trying to compose herself. "Oh, uh, well… Flaunting myself half-naked is not the way I would want Jaune to notice me. I want him to see me for who I am, not as some hussy who uses looks to get what she wants."

Three pairs of eyes stared at Yang. "…Really, guys? Go look at Cinder, not me."

"Besides," Pyrrha continued, pulling her swimsuit out of her bag and holding it up for Team RWBY, "It isn't much, really. See?"

All jaws in the room the floor.

"Pyrrha," Blake said, raising an eyebrow, "Just what do you define as modest?"

"What do you mean? My mother gave me this."

"Is that what she was wearing when she met your dad?" Yang asked.

Looking over the swimsuit again, Pyrrha sighed. "Perhaps I should find something else to wear, then."

"No!" Weiss said, grabbing Nikos by the hand, "Wear it. Jaune will love it."

"But I said-

"I know what you said. But like _some_ say," Weiss jerked her thumb at Yang, "If you have it, then flaunt it."

* * *

It had taken Ren about two hours to set up his cooking station by the pool. He and Nora had found a grill out in the shed when they were building Adam's doghouse days ago, and he decided it would be a good idea to provide a buffet to the swimmers as they relaxed. He looked just like one of those Hawaiian cabana chefs in his buttoned up floral shirt as he sprinkled some seasoning over a platter of grilled chicken skewers.

"Make room, chef!" Roman set down a big pitcher of minty blue-green liquid on the table, shaking Ren's workspace.

"I wish you could have warned me about that," Ren sighed.

"Keep an eye on this," Roman said, ignoring the cook completely, "Don't serve it to anyone until I get back. It's only for certain people. As in myself."

"I'm not even going to question why," Ren muttered to himself as Roman rushed off. He was replaced quickly by Nora, who poked her head over the table beside Lie scanning the food for something yummy. The spritely girl wore a shirt like Ren's, but was unbuttoned slightly to reveal her pink swimwear beneath. "Looking for something in particular?"

"Nope," Nora said, "Just really, really, really, _REALLY_ hungry."

"Here," Ren held out a chicken skewer for her, "I may have overdone it with the spices. Tell me how this tastes."

Nora opened her mouth wide and engulfed the stick (and Ren's fingers) in one bite. She held it in her mouth, enduring the intense flavors.

"Well? How spicy is it?"

"… _Vewry,"_ Nora said, her mouth full and burning. Still, she gave him a thumbs up in approval; she didn't want to disappoint Ren and say he overdid it with the spices. Smiling, Ren let go of the stick and continued his work as Nora scurried to the pool and began shoveling in water to cool her mouth off.

Across the pool, Cinder lowered her sunglasses and looked at Nora with disgust. Wearing a pitch-black two piece, she was lying under a big umbrella to shield herself from the sun's rays. Like Blake, Cinder wasn't too fond of water either, but for completely different reasons.

"How undignified," Cinder rolled her eyes, sipping on her glass of passion fruit juice from a straw, "And keep fanning, Emerald. The breeze went away."

" _Y-Yes ma'am!"_ Sustrai said gleefully, palm fan in hand. Cinder was grateful for her subordinate's eager desire to pamper her today, though she wished Emerald would stop staring at her outfit the whole time. "So, just to clarify… You _aren't_ getting in the pool with the others?"

"For the last time," Cinder sighed, "I am not joining those buffoons in the pool. Such play is too childish for me."

" _CANNONBALL!"_ Jaune shouted as he leaped from the highest rocky outcrop and into the pool. A huge splash of water followed, raining down on Cinder and Emerald.

"…My point proven."

* * *

"Look at 'em all," Mercury said, holding a video camera in his hand, "Beauties everywhere, earning us lien by the second."

Leaning up against a rocky outcrop beside him was Adam and the Lieutenant, both quite disinterested with his words. This was Taurus' first time in a group environment in a long while, and everyone other than these two were uneasy around him. His eyes were glued on Blake, who was laughing with Sun underneath a fake palm tree. He could barely see them through his crudely taped-up mask, but he could tell she was enjoying herself without him. Completely unacceptable.

"I hate my life," Adam said, completely monotone.

"Cheer up, boss," the Lieutenant said, "There's no reason to be sad right now. You remember what I said to you yesterday, right? Gives you a reason to live, doesn't it?"

"All I remember about yesterday is you cracking a _goddamn cane_ over my head. Do you _really_ think I'll remember a single, goddamn, _fucking thing_ you might have said to me _you piece of sh-IIIIIIIIIT!"_

Ironwood wasn't wrong about how the shock collar worked. Just like every other time Adam had an outburst of anger today, he began thrashing on the ground as a jolt of electricity shot through his veins.

"Will you two shut up?" Mercury snapped, zooming his camera in on Neo, whose ice cream had just dripped onto her chest right above her black and white bikini, "I don't need any background noise in my video."

"Film Blake," Adam coughed, slowly standing to his feet, "I'll pay you handsomely for it."

"Don't worry," Merc said, focusing in on Yang next, "I'm getting everybody."

"Even the guys?" the Lieutenant asked.

"…Why would I film them?"

"You said _everybody."_

"Look, just shut up. I mean it this time. I need you guys' help."

"No," Adam replied quickly.

"Hear me out, okay? All I've been getting on this camera are babes in bikinis. But you know what's better than that?"

"…A bunch of nicely toned bodybuilders?"

"No! Girls _without_ bikinis on."

The thought of a nude Blake flipped Adam's opinion around completely. "I'm listening."

"What we're gonnna do," Merc smirked, "Is catch one of them off guard. One of you undoes their swimsuit, and I get their puppies on film. A girl being soaking wet earns bonus points. You guys help me out, I'll give some of the lein I earn from selling this online to the White Fang cause. Deal?"

"Deal," Adam nodded, "And thank you for supporting the White Fang revolution. Your donation will go on to help countless-

"Save the charity speech, pal. What about you, big guy? You in or not?"

"I don't know…" the Lieutenant sighed, "Does it have to be a girl?"

"He's not going to do it." Adam answered for him.

"Yeah, kind of figured that one out," Merc said, walking off with Taurus close behind, "Come on then. Let's pick our target."

"You mean Blake, right?"

"I said we'll figure it out."

"…But Blake is our primary choice, right?"

"No wonder your own Lieutenant knocked you out."


	33. Service, Service! 2

"Yeah! Good job Zwei!" Yang cheered as the little Corgi did his best belly flop into the pool. Though his stubby legs only propelled him a few inches off the ledge, it was too adorable not to congratulate. Zwei doggy-paddled over to his owner and gave her a storm of dog kisses when she scooped him up into her arms.

"Maybe if we put springs on his feet he'd go further," Ruby suggested, popping her head up from under the water beside her sister.

"I think he did just perfect, didn't you Zwei?" Yang cooed, nuzzling the cheerful Corgi, "Anyways, has Pyrrha come outside yet? I haven't seen her since we finished changing."

"Nope. Probably still nervous about Jaune seeing her. You really shouldn't have said her swimsuit looked so risky."

"Risqué, Ruby."

"Same thing."

"I was just teasing her anyways," Yang shrugged as Neo casually floated by in an inner tube, "It's no more revealing than mine is."

"That isn't saying much," Ruby said, poking Yang's boob.

" _Hey!"_ The blonde yelled, dropping Zwei and splashing her sister in the face with water. That sparked retaliation from Ruby, and soon there was a water war waging in the center of the pool. Blake laughed to herself as her teammates duke it out from under her tree, when Sun returned with a platter of Ren's cooking.

"Hope you like chicken," Wukong said, handing her a kabob while he munched on a banana.

"Thanks," Blake replied, taking the food, "But wasn't there any fish?"

"Wow. You really are a feline."

The cat playfully punched him in the arm, "Look who's talking. Don't you see what you're eating?"

"Hey, come on! I'm a vegetarian. This was all Ren had. And besides, look around us," he gestured to the rocky outcrops and fake jungle plants around the pool, "Suits the whole tropical vibe Ozpin built into this place, you know? Reminds me of home a bit."

"You live on the beach?" Blake asked, putting her chicken down after sniffing it. Smelled a bit too hot for her tastes.

"By a lake, but its close enough to this. Hot and wet, all the time… Oh man, that sounded wrong."

Blake giggled, brushing back her hair. "You're such a dork."

"At least I'm not afraid to get a little wet," Sun grinned slyly as Belladonna gasped.

"I-I am _not_ afraid of water!"

The monkey laughed at how transparent her lie was, throwing his banana peel over his shoulder. It landed fairly close to the pool; a pretty obvious slipping hazard. "I'll say it again: you really are a cat."

Blushing, Blake looked over her shoulder at Ruby and Yang, enjoying themselves in the pool. "I can't help it, you know? It's just… my instinct tells me not to go near it, let alone in it. I really want to have fun with them, but I can't overcome my nature on my own."

"Ah, I get it," Sun hopped to his feet, giving his hand to Blake, "If you can't do it by yourself, then I'll help ya out!"

"I-I don't know about that…" Blake said, turning her bright red face from him. Just the thought of him all wet holding onto her while she tried to swim was making her nervous!

"Oh, it'll be easy! We'll go in the shallow end over there, and you can just wet your feet for a bit. I'll be beside ya the whole time. What do you say?"

She pondered it for a moment, before gathering up her courage to take his hand. "If I drown, then it's your fault."

"Hey, if that happens Adam will give you mouth to mouth."

Blake punched him again. "Real funny… Wait, what about Weiss?"

The two Faunus looked back at Weiss, who had fallen asleep on her lounging chair face down.

"Eh, she'll be fine," Sun said, "As long as she's got sunscreen on that is."

"I guess you're right."

What Blake didn't realize was that Ruby had been too busy getting Zwei into his swimming gear to put any sunscreen on Weiss's back when in the room. The heiress must have forgotten about that, as she had carelessly flipped her sensitive white skin into view of the sun's ultraviolet rays and unknowingly readied herself to receive one of the harshest sunburns known to man…

* * *

From the cover of artificial ferns, Mercury and Adam surveyed the many girls around the pool. The latter, of course, was fixated on Blake and Sun the whole time as the monkey helped her take her first steps into the water.

"That ape is touching my Blake," Adam growled, trying to keep calm, "Go kill him for me."

"This isn't a snuff film, dumbass," Merc groaned, "Though those do sell pretty well too."

"Can we turn it into one then?"

"Unlike you, I _want_ a piece of the prize money. Now stay focused. We need to pick our target."

"I thought our target was Blake?"

"Nope. Sun's with her, so he won't let you anywhere near her."

"But you said-

"I said we'd _consider_ her. Emphasis on consider."

"…If I wasn't afraid of getting shocked to death by this collar, I would snap your neck right now."

"I'd like to see you try," Merc grumbled, scanning over the girls once more, "Dammit. They're all in difficult positions! There's no way you could sneak up on one and undo their top!"

"She's not," Adam said bluntly, pointing at newcomer Pyrrha. The redhead was cautiously approaching the pool, a robe draped around her. She seemed shy about revealing herself: a perfect trait in Merc's eyes.

"That's genius!" Black clapped, "Imagine how much people will pay to see the face of _Pumpkin Pete's_ cereal in the buff!"

"Hm… Probably about $20 per DVD. $30 for Blu-Ray. I'm not that up-to-date on prices these days."

"Jesus Christ…" Merc pinched his brow in frustration, "Look. I need you to listen closely. Are you listening?"

"I'm looking right at you."

" _Are you listening to me or not?!"_

"What's the difference?"

"Forget it! When she drops that robe, undo her swimsuit! Got it?"

"How should I approach her?"

"Just don't let her see you, dumbass."

"I meant from which direction?"

"I don't care!"

"…Should I stand behind her, or-

" _Just take her fucking top off!"_

* * *

"An' so then I told him if he didn't buy any of m' drugs, _I'd fuckin' kill 'em!"_ Roman slurred, slapping his knee with a cup of his special mouthwash cocktail in his other hand. A slightly frightened Jaune was in the pool, looking for a way to escape the drunk's messed up conversation. "And ya know what? _I did!_ Ain't that funny?"

"Uh, yeah…" Arc laughed nervously, slowly backing away from Torchwick, "But I, uh, I gotta go over there now. I think Nora wants me for something."

"Ya know, you're not that bad," Roman mumbled, taking another drink, "A little boring, but not bad. Let's be pals, pal."

"S-Sure thing!"

Jaune was out of there faster than you could blink. He had lied about Nora calling for him, instead retreating to an empty part of the pool near where Weiss was dozing off. He thought about waking Schnee up to tell her that her back was as red as a cherry, but then she'd probably slap him for disturbing her. Sighing, he went to get out of the water when a pair of legs stepped in front of him.

"Oh, hey Pyrrha! I was wondering where you were."

Nikos rubbed her arm, looking away from him. She couldn't keep herself hidden forever. "Oh, just getting ready, that's all! This swimsuit takes a while to put on."

"Ah. Then what's up with the robe?"

"Oh, well… The house is fairly cold, so I kept this on to stay warm when walking through it."

"…Then why do you still have it on? It's like 100 degrees out here."

Pyrrha gulped. Now or never.

"Well, Yang said it was slightly… _revealing_ , to put it simply."

"…R-Really now?" Jaune tensed up. Was this really going in that direction?

"So… I was, um… hoping you would be the first to tell me how it looks. I-If you're okay with it, that is!"

"O-Okay…" Arc shuffled his feet under the water as he tried to brace himself and imagine what she was going to look like underneath, "Whenever you're, uh, ready Pyrrha."

From behind a nearby rock, Adam poked his head out as Nikos stood before Arc. He looked across the pool at Mercury, who was hiding in a similar manner with his camera focused on their target. Black gave him a thumbs up. It was time.

Closing her eyes, Pyrrha took a breath and undid the knot in her robe. She let the white fabric fall off her shoulders to reveal a shimmering gold tube top underneath. The strapless swimwear tied around her chest was matched by a bottom with a sheer veiled skirt that hung around her hips. Just looking at her made Jaune really glad his lower half was underwater.

"So?" Pyrrha asked, putting her hands behind her, "How does it look?"

"U-Um…" Jaune was speechless. Not just because of how great she looked, but because he literally did not know what to say in this situation. "It's, uh, definitely not bad. Not bad in the slightest."

"Not bad?" A wave of disappointment overcame Pyrrha, and Arc could see it crash over her. Wrong choice of words, Jaune.

"I-I mean it doesn't look bad! It looks really good on you! There is _nothing_ bad about what you're wearing at all! You look amazing!"

"It's not too revealing?" Pyrrha did a little spin, "This top isn't very concealing, and the bottom feels like it might ride up-

"It's perfect, Pyrrha! Really, it is. You look great."

A big smile spread across Pyrrha's lips. This surely wasn't the way she wanted Jaune to notice her, but she'd be lying if she said she wasn't happy it worked.

However, she wouldn't be so happy if she knew who else was eyeing her up.

"You're right, Jaune," Merc grinned darkly, focusing his lens as Adam dashed towards Nikos, "She does look great. And she'll look even better with nothing on at all…"


	34. Service, Service! 3

Tipping her sunglasses down to peer inside her empty cup, Cinder sighed and handed the empty glass to her servant. "Emerald, refill please."

"Y-yes, ma'am!" Sustrasi obliged, quickly grabbing a pitcher and pouring the drink full. "There you go, ma'am! Would you like more suntan lotion applied to your arms?"

"No thank you," Cinder took a sip from her straw, completely indifferent to her subordinate's eagerness to assist her, "Back to fanning, please."

The green haired thief obeyed, cooling down her boss once more. Looking away from Cinder briefly to survey the pool, she noticed something that might brighten Cinder's day. "Looks like Schnee is burning up over there, ma'am."

"Hm?" Now that intrigued Fall. Sitting up in her chair, she grinned devilishly at the sight of a sunburned Weiss, fast asleep and vulnerable. It was too good of an opportunity not to let slide. She got off her throne and handed her cup to Emerald.

"Keep this cool for me, would you?" Cinder asked kindly as she strutted over to Weiss, "I'm going to give Weiss a nice pat on the back."

* * *

Being the lovable Corgi that he was, Zwei gathered much attention from his sisters on a daily basis. And after Master Ruby had adorned him in a swimming vest and diving goggles today, the poor dog had barely had time to enjoy himself in the pool without being hugged and kissed. He didn't mind Master Ruby and Master Yang's affection, but he needed R&R as well.

Once they began slashing each other with water, he had made his great escape. Using his strong-yet cute- legs, he paddled his way over to Vomit Boy, who was quite preoccupied with the stunning Spartan Princess and her swim attire.

Zwei usually greeted his friends in the same manner, but Vomit Boy was an exception. There was only one way to announce his presence to the dorky blonde. Zwei dove underwater, holding his breath until he reached Vomit Boy's trunk covered rear.

And then he opened his jaws nice and wide…

* * *

In addition to their physical animalistic attributes, Faunus were also granted an above-average running speed that was more than useful in many situations. It was times like these where Adam was prouder than ever to be part beast. In a flash, he would undo Nikos' swimsuit and be out of there before she even realized she had been exposed.

And then, he'd run over and undo Blake's as well. Embarrassing her in front of all her friends would be the perfect way of showing her that he still cared for her. What better way to show your affection for someone than emotionally scarring them, you know?

As he quickly closed the space between him and his prey, Adam looked for the strings hanging off her back to grasp in his fingers. Apparently they were fairly small strings, for he couldn't see them at all.

Now that he thought about it, there weren't any strings at all.

Shit.

 _Shit._

 _OH SHIT!_

What the hell was going on?! All swimsuits are tied in the back with strings! He'd never seen any that weren't! How was he supposed to undo it?! If only he had a sword, he could cut through it!

Okay, that might kill her, but frankly Adam wasn't worried about that. Mercury was down for a snuff film, anyways.

"Mercury!" Adam shouted across the pool to his cohort as he ran, "There aren't any strings! What should I _dooooooooo?!"_

Too busy panicking to watch where he was running, Adam hadn't noticed Sun's banana peel lying right in his path. He began sliding uncontrollably down the poolside and flailing his arms like a madman. Only two people seemed to notice.

" _ADAM!"_ the Lieutenant bolted after his boss, wearing only a tan speedo that made him look completely nude, _"I'M COMING!"_

" _NO! STAY AWAY FROM ME!"_

From his hiding spot, Mercury face palmed. He should have figured this would have happened. At least he could film this and submit it to that funny home videos show on TV.

* * *

"Did you hear something?" Pyrrha asked, looking behind her just as Adam slid by the other way.

"I think it was Adam, but I don't see him," Jaune said, noticing the banana peel near Pyrrha's feet had mysteriously vanished, "Eh. Probably nothing. Wanna get in?"

Arc extended a hand up to Pyrrha, inviting her into the water. Of course she couldn't stop herself from blushing as she took his hand. "I can get in myself, you know?"

"Just being a gentleman- _YEOW!"_

Jaune had no idea what it was, but something had just sunk its fangs into his tender behind. If he didn't know any better, he'd say it was a shark. Fortunately, the culprit was much cuter than one of those. Zwei poked his head out from under the water and barked, saying hello one more.

" _You!"_ Jaune snapped, grasping his aching cheek with his free hand, _"I'm gonna get you for that! Come here!"_ He swung his other arm towards the dog to grab him by his life jacket, but forgot his other hand was already holding something.

" _Jaune, Jaune, JAUNE!"_ Pyrrha shouted as Arc pulled her forcefully into the pull. Jaune's eyes opened wide as Nikos' chest fell into his face as she fell on top of him. Zwei dove back underwater as a huge splash erupted into the air.

" _Woo-hoo!"_ Nora cheered from afar, sitting with Ren by the barbecue, _"Atta girl, Pyrrha!"_

Ren couldn't help but try and correct her. "Nora, I don't think she meant to fall into the pool-

"Don't ruin this for me, _got it?"_ Valkyrie made that face even Ren knew to fear.

"…Y-yes, Nora. Understood."

Emerging from the spray of water, Jaune and Pyrrha shook their hair dry. Meeting eyes, they blushed but soon burst out into laughter at the whole outrageousness of the situation.

"Sorry about that!" Jaune apologized, "Kinda forgot about the whole helping you into the pool thing."

"It's alright," Pyrrha smiled, moving hair from her eyes, "I didn't hurt you, did I?"

"Nah. Your, uh, boobs kinda cushioned the impact."

"You pervert!" Nikos giggled, throwing water in his face.

"Oh, you want a war now don't ya?" Jaune grinned, returning the favor with an even bigger splash. That was one of the things he liked about Pyrrha. If he had said that to any other girl, he'd probably get slapped in the face or worse, thinking about some of the other girls he knew. Pyrrha was probably the best friend he could have.

Jaune had to admit though: he didn't think he'd enjoy seeing her in a bikini as much as he had.

And hey, skipping first base and landing on second wasn't bad, either. He'd have to call back home and tell his dad about that later.

* * *

Unlike most normal people, Cinder felt nothing while looking at Jaune and Pyrrha's antics. Watching them as she made her way to Weiss, she adjusted her sunglasses and flung her hair back. She wasn't trying to attract any of the men around the pool, but she had to assert herself as the best looking woman here. A bit of flaunting never hurt once in a while.

Suddenly, she felt a whoosh of air blow across her back followed by a subtle tug. And then just as suddenly, she felt a little cold in the chest.

Cinder looked down, and froze in shock.

" _AAAIIIIIEEEE!"_

The ear piercing shriek caught everyone's attention. All eyes were subjugated to a topless Cinder Fall. There was utter silence aside from the loud cackling of Mercury Black, who made the mistake of emerging from his hiding place with camera in hand.

"Way to go, Adam!" he shouted to his partner, "Wrong target, but good job!"

Adam didn't respond, as his Lieutenant had just tackled him into the pool to end his out of control banana peel ride from Hell.

Desperately trying to cover herself, Cinder looked to Emerald for assistance. _"Emerald! Get that camera this instant!"_

But it was no good; Sustrai had fainted the moment she had gazed upon her boss's naughty bits. She was lying face up on the ground, a grin of ecstasy plastered on her face. Cinder looked to Option B.

" _Neo!"_ she barked at the small woman floating in an inner tube, _"Get him!"_

Neo didn't budge.

"Fine… I'll pay you!"

Clapping once in satisfaction, Neo slid out of her tube and into the water. She swam like a shark to the shore, lunging out of the water and grabbing Mercury by his metal ankles.

"Wha- No!" Black panicked, dropping his camera as Neo dragged him towards the water, _"I can't swim! I can't fucking swim!"_

His pleas wouldn't help him, and he soon vanished beneath the waves. After a couple bubbles popped at the surface, his head emerged bound and gagged by his own swim trunks. Neo had left him standing on the shallow end of the pool where he wouldn't drown, though in any other circumstance she would've killed him rather than humiliate him.

"Oh, that's gotta hurt," Sun commented as Neo climbed out near him and Blake. The cat had been doing quite fine in the pool, but now didn't feel like sharing it with a bottomless Merc. And she certainly wasn't the only one.

"I think that's enough swimming for today, Sun," Blake said.

"Ditto. Wanna go inside and watch TV?"

"Sounds better than all of this."

"We'll come with you!" Yang called, grabbing a reluctant Ruby by the arm.

"But Yang!" Rose whined as Zwei swam up beside her, "I wanna swim more!"

"Not with him in the pool like that, Ruby."

"Mercury? But what's wrong with-

"Don't ask questions. And don't look underwater either."

Soon enough everyone started heading for the house, leaving Mercury begging for help. A trashed Roman stumbled by him, picking up his camera and winking. "Don't you worry, pal. I'll come back fer ya later! After I'm done uploading this online, that is!"

Mercury's muffled screams did nothing to stop Torchwick from abandoning him. What did a 5-star man do to deserve this punishment?!

"Whuh?" Weiss rubbed her eyes, finally waking from her long nap after hearing a bunch of screaming and splashing. "Where is everyone?"

The next thing she noticed that one side of her hand didn't match the other, and that her skin was feeling quite tingly. "Oh. My. God. _RUBY!"_


	35. In The Closet

**Day 12/30**

* * *

Many people have their own personal addiction, for better or for worse. Ruby loves cookies, Nora engulfs pancakes, Roman huffs glue.

And now Emerald was part of that group's more negative side.

Ever since the pool party, there had been one mental image stuck in her mind. Call it Stockholm syndrome, but Emerald had been infatuated with Cinder ever since she had taken her off the streets and under her wing. Seeing her in a bikini was a dream come true, but seeing her pretty much naked? A gift from the gods themselves. Emerald wasn't religious by any means, but it was better than giving any form of credit to Taurus' role in the flashing.

Being a thief Emerald had stooped to some pretty low points before in her life, but just this morning she had gone to one of her lowest. She had known Torchwick had gotten hold of Mercury's camera with the precious footage of Cinder saved on it, and had actually begged him for a copy. As in almost on her hands and knees for it.

So of course Roman decided to exploit her desperation by asking a $1000 price for it.

It was money Emerald didn't have right now, but after this whole thing was over she'd gladly pay for it with her prize money. Or just steal it out of spite; either way worked for her. But Sustrai couldn't wait 18 more days for that. She needed her fix now.

Which is why she found herself in this most precarious of situations.

If she had known how many outfits Weiss had brought with her, then Emerald would have probably had second thoughts about this. Enveloped snugly by cloth on both sides, Sustrai balanced her feet on pairs of shoes lining the bottom of the closet in the room Weiss shared with her Cinder.

Emerald had gotten the idea by looking at her own room's closet, noticing the door barely made any sound when opened slightly: perfect for peeking through. Standing inside Cinder's closet and waiting for her to come in and undress seemed like the perfect plan at first. But Emerald soon realized why it was Cinder who came up with their plans, as she had overlooked the fact that she might open the closet _before_ getting naked. By the time she thought of that, however, it was too late. She was already in a comfortable position, and she sure as hell wasn't leaving after only twenty minutes. If Cinder didn't show up by bedtime, she'd make her escape in the dark easy-peasy. Then she'd try again tomorrow.

And maybe the day after that.

Probably the one after that too.

Hell, maybe even every day until her itch was cured.

The plan was to stand in Cinder's closet instead of Schnee's, but Emerald had heard footsteps and jumped in the first hiding place she saw. The clothes around her were soft and smelled of vanilla, so at least it smelled better than every time Torchwick opened up his closet. Still, it made her wish she was just across the room around Cinder's lavender scented garments instead. Maybe then she wouldn't feel her feet falling asleep.

Emerald shuffled a bit, kicking lightly to gain feeling back in her legs, but froze up when she heard the sound of the room's door opening. Was this it? Was this the moment she was waiting for?!

"Do we really have to do this now, Weiss?"

…Of course it wasn't. Emerald rolled her eyes at Ruby's voice. Stupid happy-go-lucky kid.

"Yes, Ruby. I need you to do this for me."

Great. Weiss was here too. Just delightful. Emerald back up further into the closet, leaning against the back wall. No point in standing up for this.

"But we just did this a couple hours ago!" Rose whined, "I want to go play with Zwei."

"Too bad. Now help me unzip my dress. I can't do it myself."

Now that caught Emerald's attention. Still, she didn't move; the wall was surprisingly comfortable. She heard Weiss wince as the zipping sound ceased.

"You okay, Weiss?"

"Yes… Just a little sore. You were too hard on me last time."

"Sorry. I'll be gentle this time. Promise!"

Sustrai's eyes widened. Surely Ruby didn't mean…

She heard a bottle opening next.

"This is the right lotion, right?" Ruby asked, "These names are so weird and foreign."

"Is the bottle pink?"

"…Yeah, I think so."

"What do you mean by _I think so?_ I know you're not colorblind!"

"It's kind of a light red more than pink."

"Ruby… You know what? It's fine. I can't wait any longer. Just get to it. I'm dying down here."

' _Okay,'_ Emerald thought, _'This is happening. This is actually happening.'_ She pulled at her collar as the closet suddenly increased in temperature.

" _K-Kya~!"_

Sustrai jumped at Weiss's squeal. Yeah, she was starting to regret this whole plan now. This was bad. Really bad.

"You okay, Weiss?"

"Yes. It's cold, but it feels so good…"

' _Shit-shit-shit-shit!'_ Emerald had to get out of here. NOW. The last thing she wanted was to hear these two go any further than just playing with lotion!

"Should I go lower?"

"What do you think? I'm aching _all over,_ Ruby."

"A-alright, then…"

Yup. That's it. Time to leave.

But could Emerald really just open the door and bolt out? What if they saw her? What if they asked her to join?! What if she said yes?! What if Cinder walked in _after_ she said yes?!

 _*VMMMMM!*_

The sound of something vibrating made up her mind instantly. The door flung open and crashed against the wall, nearly smacking Emerald in the face as it flew back from the force. The thief didn't even look back after she dashed out of the room, holding her nose tightly so blood wouldn't flow out of it. She turned a corner and came face to face with none other than Cinder, and literally fell into her.

"Wha-?" Cinder gasped in confusion as Emerald's arms gripped her waist.

" _C-Cinder!"_ Emerald cried, not planning on letting go any time soon. Sighing, Cinder patted her on the head, completely unsure of how to react.

"Um… Please stop?"

* * *

A dumbfounded Weiss and Ruby sat on the floor of their room, unsure of what just happened.

"Ruby… What was that?"

"I dunno," Rose shrugged, still holding the light red bottle of calamine lotion, "Whoever it was, I think their scroll was ringing though."

"Whatever. Just get back to work. This sunburn is your fault, after all."

"Aye-aye, bestie!"

 _*SMACK!*_

" _Agh! Ruby!"_

"Oops! Sorry about that!"


	36. The Fluff Awakens

"Popcorn's done!"

The smell of butter in the air had never felt more satisfying to Pyrrha. Sitting in the front row of the home theater, she could barely contain her giddiness as Jaune brought her a big bowl of popcorn. If there was one good thing that came from staying in this penthouse it was that it had brought her and Jaune closer than they had ever been at Beacon. First they had shared a bed, and now they were on a movie date!

Okay, maybe it wasn't exactly a _date_ per say; Pyrrha was pretty sure Jaune just wanted someone to watch _Galactic Conquest_ with him. But it was a good enough reason for her. As long as they were together like this, she was happy. Hopefully there would be a romantic scene in this movie and maybe spark something inside of the boy to make a move on her. Pyrrha planned on making some sort of move herself, but the fear of scaring him away lingered. It was a risk she knew she had to eventually take, and tonight seemed like a good opportunity to try.

"Thank you," Pyrrha said, setting the popcorn on the armrest as Jaune ran back up the aisle way to start the DVD, "So, is there anything I should know about this movie before we start?"

"Only that it's the greatest movie ever!" Jaune replied, jumping into the seat beside her excitedly, "The effects are a little dated, but that's nothing to worry about. It was made in the 80's after all."

"And you said there are seven films in this series?"

"Soon to be eight, not counting the cartoons and comic books. We'll get to those once we watch all of the films."

Pyrrha giggled at his eagerness. "Let's just get through this one for now. If I enjoy it, then we can talk about those."

"It's starting!" Jaune hushed her, "These opening credits never get old!"

Just as the room's lights dimmed down, a booming orchestra erupted from the surround sound speakers. Though she kept her eyes on the screen as a huge spaceship filled the picture, she noticed Jaune bouncing excitedly beside her. "Are you always this excited when you watch this?"

"Hm?" Arc looked at her as he shoveled a handful of popcorn into his mouth, "Nah, not really. Just never watched the original on a big screen before. Been a while since I've watched this too."

"Why is that?" Pyrrha reached into the popcorn bucket, flinching as her hand brushed up against his.

"Well, living with seven sisters and being the only guy doesn't exactly get you TV privileges often. My dad introduced me to these films when I was little, and instead of getting presents on my birthday we watched them all together until I got older. I didn't even care that my sisters got things and I didn't. All I needed was these movies and time with my dad."

"That's so sweet," Pyrrha smiled, scooting over closer to him until they were nearly touching shoulders. Knowing now how much _Galactic Conquest_ meant to Jaune, it made her even happier that he had asked her over everyone else to spend time and watch it with him. "I feel obliged to watch the rest with you now," she joked.

"Oh, you're so funny."

As the opening battle waged on, Pyrrha took the first step and touched shoulders with Jaune. At first, Jaune thought she had fallen asleep when he felt her weight on him and was ready to just give up on introducing girls to the movie (at least his sisters hadn't dozed off!), but was pleasantly surprised when he saw Pyrrha focused on the futuristic stand-off aboard the Grand King's flagship. There was hope for her yet!

But why was she resting on him? These seats were probably more comfortable than him. Maybe she wasn't a fan of leather.

"Oh! There he is!" Jaune shouted, scaring Pyrrha as he pointed at the screen, " _Colonel Banesaw!_ He's my favorite!"

"Colonel Banesaw?" Pyrrha raised an eyebrow as she looked at the menacing character on screen, "He doesn't exactly look very heroic…"

"That's because he's the villain. But in the prequel films, it shows that he's serving the Grand Kingdom to prevent his family from being sold into slavery. He only does bad things for a good cause."

Nikos cringed as the Colonel brutally decapitated a helpless prisoner with a laser chainsaw. "He seems quite happy murdering people though."

"The Grand King rebuilt him into a cyborg to keep him alive. Just shows how power can corrupt someone. I won't spoil it, but the sixth film really redeems his character."

"So is his name actually Banesaw?"

"Nah, its-

" _HELLOOO!"_

The Team JNPR members yelped at the sudden voice from behind them, Pyrrha scrambling to catch the popcorn bucket before it hit the floor. Yang Xiao Long was laughing uncontrollably as she sat down right behind them, an annoyed Blake close behind.

" _Was that really necessary, Yang?!"_ Jaune raged, nearly choking on the popcorn still in his throat.

"Nope," the blonde grinned, "it was funny though. Just thought I'd let you know we were here."

"Yang heard the opening music from upstairs and dragged me down here with her," Blake explained further, "Said it was one of her favorite movies and that I _had_ to watch it."

"I still don't get how you don't like watching movies," Yang said, reaching over Pyrrha for a handful of popcorn.

"I had a bad experience at a theater before… Rather not talk much about it."

"Adam-related, I'm guessing?"

"Let's just say we were never allowed back."

"Ouch. Guessing someone died?"

"Close enough."

"Not that I'm not glad you're joining us," Jaune interrupted, clearly annoyed, "But the whole point of a movie is to _not talk during it!"_

"But weren't you just talking to Pyrrha?" Yang said, pulling the boy's strings.

"Yeah, but that was about the plot-

"Still talking though."

" _Gah!_ Pyrrha, back me up here!" Jaune turned to the girl, who was no longer leaning on him. The presence of Yang and Blake had killed the mood she was trying to build between her and Arc, and it had really put down her happy demeanor.

"Let's just watch the movie, okay?" Pyrrha forced a smile, quickly looking back to the screen, "The more the merrier, they say…"

Yang sighed a breath of relief. "Ah, thank God then. I was hoping you wouldn't mind more company than just us."

"Huh?" Before Pyrrha could question any further, voices erupted from the staircase leading down to the theater. Seats around them began filling up with housemates who were drowning out the film's dialogue with their own. Sun was the first newcomer to take a seat, joining Blake and Yang and starting conversation. Mercury was soon to follow, finally back on his well-oiled feet after yesterday's dilemma. Adam had pulled him out of the pool, though only to ask for the donation he had promised to give him for the White Fang.

"I knew I smelled popcorn!" Black shouted, sticking his unwashed hand into the popcorn maker and grabbing as much as he could. Ren winced at his lack of etiquette as Nora dragged him down to the front row, where they sat beside Jaune and Pyrrha.

"Oh, you guys are here too!" Nora smiled, "That's great! All of us here, enjoying the movie together! But not _together-together_ , that would be _soooo_ weird you know? What are we watching? It looks like a sci-fi movie. Oh, I think it's a sci-fi movie!"

"It's _Galactic Conquest_ -" Jaune answered, only for Nora to continue immediately afterward.

"I've never seen this one before! Look at that, Ren! Is that a laser chainsaw?!"

"I believe it is-

" _I NEED ONE OF THOSE!"_

Pyrrha hated to admit it, but the arrival of her teammates had ruined this entire evening for her. As petty as she thought it sounded, this was supposed to be her and Jaune's time together. Nora and Ren were quite supportive of her feelings for their leader, but it would be too awkward to even lean against him with them around.

Lean her head on his shoulder, grasp his hand, and possibly confess once the film ended… Everything she had planned to do went down the drain.

As much as she wanted to stay and finish the movie with Jaune, this was just too much for her to deal with at the moment. She stood up, handing the popcorn to Jaune.

"Is something wrong?" Jaune asked, concerned.

"I'm sorry, but I just remembered I have something to do," she lied, not looking directly at him.

"But I thought we were going to watch-

"Please! Just, excuse me…"

"Wait, Pyrrha!" Jaune reached out, but she had already ascended the staircase by the time he was on his feet. Sighing, he dropped heavily into his seat and looked down from the screen. He couldn't be mad at his friends, but they had unintentionally just made Pyrrha leave. Jaune had told her this would be just for them, and he couldn't keep his promise.

He wasn't the only one feeling terrible right now. Nora felt almost worse than him. With as much support she had given Pyrrha to pursue Jaune since she knew about her crush, this was the equivalent slap in the face Nora could give her. The best thing she could do now was to try and make things better.

"Well, don't just sit there!" Nora said, lightly slapping the back of Jaune's head, "Go after her!"

"I don't think she wants bothered right now-

"Jaune," Ren spoke up, "I think it would be wise to do what Nora says. And tell Pyrrha we're sorry."

"For what?"

"You'll figure it out. I think she'll be out on the balcony. It's the best place to clear your head."

"What makes you think that?"

A knowing look to Nora was Ren's response.

"Ah. Should've figured that."

" _Go get her, tiger!"_ Nora shouted, shooing Jaune away, _"Make mama proud!"_ As Arc disappeared up the steps, Nora plopped down in his seat and began munching on his popcorn. "You think he'll get the hint tonight Ren?"

"…I doubt it."

* * *

The broken moon shone through the cloudy night sky, illuminating the penthouse's balcony. It overlooked the pool, its waves dotted with the reflections of beady white stars and Pyrrha's red locks. She leaned on the railing looking at her distorted copy below, blinking to clear her watery eyes. Wiping them with her hands now, she turned to go back inside and to her room.

She was surprised to see a certain someone standing in her way.

"J-Jaune!" Pyrrha gasped, "I'm, uh… Why aren't you watching the movie?"

"Just came to say that Ren and Nora are sorry about interrupting," Arc walked past Pyrrha and leaned on the same railing she had been using, "Also, I'm pretty sure it's the same reason you're not down there either."

"…What do you mean?"

"I said we'd watch it together, right? Everyone else down there made it not just the two of us. That was kind of the whole point of tonight, wasn't it?"

Slowly, Pyrrha made her way beside Jaune. "You… you'd really skip watching your favorite film to spend time with just me instead?"

"Of course! I like to watch _Galactic Conquest_ with someone I'm close to, someone who won't mind me fanboying over it. It'd be alright with just you and Ren and Nora, but everyone down there? Not the same as spending it with only your best friend."

Those last words.

 _Best friend._

She was Jaune's best friend.

Pyrrha wasn't sure whether to be sad about the potential friend-zoning, or overjoyed that Jaune considered her his closest companion. "Your... best friend?"

"Well, yeah!" Jaune replied, smiling at her, "I mean, you're the one who helped pick me off my feet after the whole Cardin situation, and our whole training session thing we got going on. And I'm pretty sure two people don't share a bed unless they're pretty close friends, you know? Nora, Ren, and Ruby are good friends, but you'd still be the first person I'd turn to if I ever need help. You're like family to me."

" _Jaune…"_

Pyrrha's sudden embrace made him stiff as a board. Speechless, he did the only thing his head was telling him to do, and that was to hug her back. He really wished she wasn't pushing him into the railing though; falling from this height would hurt.

"So," Jaune said as Pyrrha stepped back to look at him, "What should we do now?"

The red head gazed up at the stars and smiled. "The sky is quite lovely tonight…"

"Huh. I guess it is… Wait a minute!" Letting go of her, Jaune pulled over two recliner chairs and aligned them with the railing. He allowed Pyrrha to select her seat, and scooted his chair over to touch hers. He laid back on it and patted his shoulder. "Most comfortable shoulder in all of Vale right here."

Laughing, Pyrrha lied down and took up his offer. She snuggled up close, placing her one hand on his arm. Jaune looked up and away from her to hide the red in his cheeks. If his spine was five times stronger, he would've ditched the whole best friend charade and just tell Pyrrha the truth.

Movie or not, Pyrrha considered this night a success. The girl was disappointed he hadn't confessed any outright feelings for her just now, but at least she knew he didn't care about anyone in this house more than her. Putting her worries behind her for the moment, she tightened her grip on Jaune's arm and watched the stars above.

"Oh, look at those stars up there! Looks sort of like a warthog, don't you think?"

"I don't know, Pyrrha… Looks more like a puma to me."


	37. Because of You

_**Something a bit different this time. I didn't plan on writing today, but this came into my head and I just had to get it down.**_

 _ **Little bit dark, little bit fluffy, little bit funny, little bit screwed up... you decide.**_

* * *

So, I found this notebook here lying on the floor of our room. Pretty sure its Belladonna's, but she doesn't seem to be using it. Haven't written anything in a while, but today is different. Today is _that_ day.

 _You_ probably don't remember why it's important, but that's why I'm writing this in the first place. When you finally find this, you'll remember.

Or not, knowing how _you_ can be.

Anyways, I know what it's like to grow up and be rejected. My case was a bit different than others though. I knew that the entire world hated our race, but there was something else about me I feared would keep me down. It took a while before my family found out about it, but when they did it wasn't pretty.

It was when my pops started whipping me with his belt that I learned I had a strange desire for sadomasochism. Only when he realized that I was blatantly insinuating my sexuality on purpose for more beatings did he kick me out onto the streets. Called me a monster, a freak…

He wasn't wrong about that, honestly. I mean, who gets off from punishment given to them by their own dad? Pretty messed up, am I right?

Either way, I started doing odd jobs after that. Started hanging out around gyms to watch the bodybuilders. That inspired me to start jacking up myself, hoping they might invite me to one of their "special clubs".

Turned out those weren't the kinds of stripper clubs I thought they were. By God they had _women_ in there! Not ragging on those girls; takes a pretty strong body to use those poles. But nothing beats a pair of bouncing pecs if you ask me.

Soon enough they got rid of me too. Said I was weighing them down with my lack of heterosexuality and steroid use (I knew Heracles was shooting needles into his fine ass in the bathroom!).

I tried going to the women's gym after that. Figured they'd be going to the fun places, and I'd have others with similar interests to talk with. They'd appreciate the finer parts of male anatomy, I told myself. What could go wrong?

One step in that building and I was pepper sprayed to Hell and back. Turns out they were a bunch of stuck-up rich bitches who thought I was going to diddle them or their kids.

That was one of the prices to pay for being a Faunus. Most people still don't understand that we're just like everyone else, minus the animal features. We're not complete monsters. It's those kind of people that drove us to violence. There was no other way to get our point across.

I'm surprised I still got that job mining dust crystals out in the mountains with me being a Faunus and all. By the time those miners met me wandering those caves I was pretty beefed up from living on my own out there fighting Grimm off with my bare hands. They were pretty impressed with my Ursa skin cloak; less impressed when they realized it was _all_ I was wearing.

Of course, they never treated me as truly equal. I was just some hired muscle willing to do whatever it took for food and shelter. Those men just sat back as I did their dirty work and fought off any Grimm that came into the workspace. The boss in particular wasn't too fond of Faunus, and would at times hold back my portion of the daily meal because of that.

"Animals don't always require payment for their labor," he said.

I hated that man so much. Started making me hate the word Schnee and everything associated with it. All he did for that dust company was report the work I had done for the day and sleep. Rich bastard wasn't a Schnee by name, but if he was anything to go by then I figured all Schnees were scum.

I stopped talking for a while. Nearly thought I had lost my voice a few times when I woke up and my throat was so dry I couldn't make a peep. What reason did I have to speak to any of them? Nourishment was the only reason I stayed, not to make friends. I stopped caring about watching those men work, because they had all but stopped once I had come around. They got lazy, obnoxious, greedy…

Of course I was going to snap.

I still remember that day so clearly. It was around dusk when I finally refused to do their work anymore. Let me tell you, never think it's a good idea to stand in defiance against 30 big miners. I might be a masochist, but their punches weren't the good kind of pain.

They were going to kill me that night if not for you showing up.

I had heard rumors of some organization patrolling parts of the world, seeking out justice for Faunus kind. When peace had fallen, they rose from the shadows to make their own peace through conflict. At first I thought it would never work. That was before I saw it in action.

Your men sprang from the shadows, never hesitating as they put those human pigs down. I still hear their screams, begging for mercy and apologizing to me once your men helped me to my feet. They saved the boss for last, letting him watch as your men finished the executions.

And then I saw _you._

The bright red hair, the mask of a Grimm, Wilt and Blush at your side. You beat that bastard down personally for the suffering he put me through. And then you walked up to me and knelt down. I still remember the first words you said to me when you gave me this mask I wear today:

"Finish him for me."

And I did. I took that chainsaw I had used for slicing dust crystals and showed the boss how it worked, no matter how much he pleaded me not to do so. I felt reborn, re-energized. Like I was finally _alive_. That was three years ago, and I still feel the same way.

And it was all because of _you._

You took me in and helped me become strong. I had nothing to fear anymore. You accepted me for who I was, and I love you for that. My only purpose in life now is to preserve you, to keep you safe from any kind of danger, be it from another or yourself. I just want you to feel about me the same way I do you, and I will do whatever it takes for that to happen.

Well, that's about it.

I don't know where I'm going to end up putting this paper, but I know you'll find it eventually. Hopefully by then you won't need any more hints as to how I feel about you, and hopefully you'll have given up on chasing that cat around.

I'm telling you man, she's after Sun.

Or Yang, if the whole lesbian thing turns out to be true.

Either one works for me as long as I have _you._


	38. The Empty Pantry Conundrum

**Day 13/30**

* * *

Another day, another morning of waking up to the smell of Ozpin's coffee.

Qrow was really getting sick of that smell.

Things had been different since Ironwood's arrival for the two men, but not in a good kind of way. The general had really left his mark on Ozpin, hurting him so bad that he had been too sore to move from his chair for the past couple of days. Luckily for the headmaster, Ironwood hadn't broken any bones. Unluckily for Qrow, Ozpin acted like he had. And like any recovering patient in a hospital would do, he spent his healing time doing one thing: watching shitty TV series.

" _We will return to 'All My Faunus' after these commercial messages…"_

As the video player flipped to an ad for female freshness, Qrow forcefully banged his forehead into the wall. A lightly bandaged Ozpin looked at the drunk confusingly, unsure as to why his van-mate was so distressed. "Is something bothering you? You seem distressed."

" _Distressed?!"_ Qrow shouted, "Ozpin, all you've been doing since Ironwood left was marathon this goddamn soap opera! For God's sake watch something else! I can't stand that stupid theme music anymore!"

"I would, but I need to know if Lilac finds out that Copper is cheating on her with Silky."

"And how long will that take?"

"Hm… Considering the pace this show is going at, I would say perhaps twenty episodes. Give or take five or six filler ones."

Branwen wasn't having one bit of that. Stomping over to Ozpin, he ripped the laptop from his hands, slammed it shut, and placed it in their empty minifridge.

"…Well that was not very nice," Ozpin said, adjusting his glasses.

"I'll give it back to you once you agree to watch something else!"

Ozpin took a moment to ponder that, tapping his finger on his lip in thought. "How about that one video you mentioned with the young ladies and the cup? That sounds intriguing."

"That was one of the things I said we should _never_ watch," Qrow groaned, "If you wanna watch that shit then be my guest. Just do it when I'm nowhere near you."

"I suppose I'll just watch the cameras again…" Sighing, the Headmaster spun around to face his wall of screens. It wasn't that he felt the housemates were no longer entertaining; it was far from that. It was more the fact that he would rather catch up on his stories than watch Sun flip through television stations or Ruby play with Zwei. Thankfully things were about to get interesting for not just Ozpin but Qrow as well when they heard a surprise knock on their door. The two men looked at each other, not sure if they were hearing things or not. Once the person outside knocked again, Ozpin looked to Qrow.

"…Won't even get up for that, will ya?"

"I'm not the one already standing, Mr. Branwen."

Mocking Ozpin under his breath, Qrow opened the door and was greeted by Lie Ren. The JNPR member was holding a piece of notebook paper in his hand, scribble on with blue ink.

"Ren, right?" Qrow asked, scratching his head, "You need something kid?"

"Is Ozpin there?"

"Aren't I good enough for ya?"

"No, not at all. It's just that we're out of food."

"…Come again?"

"We are out of food," Ren repeated, slower this time, "It seems that Nora raided the pantry late last night without me knowing, and now I have nearly nothing left to cook. No flour, no condiments, no vegetables... It's all on this list actually."

Branwen took the paper from Ren, reading it over quickly. "There's _a lot_ of things on here… Looks pretty expensive."

"Well, there are sixteen of us living in there. I'm surprised we had enough food to last us 13 days."

"Uh huh… So what are we supposed to do about this?"

"I assumed Ozpin would go out and resupply for us," Ren shrugged, "He was never too clear about a situation like this."

"He's not clear about _a lot_ of things," Qrow glared at Ozpin behind him, who was pretending to be asleep. "Look, kid. Why don't you go back to the home for now and we'll get this sorted out for ya. Sound good?"

"I see nothing wrong with that. If you need any clarification for certain things on the list, just call that phone number written on the bottom. Please don't be too long. I don't know how long I can hold off everyone's stomach."

Once Qrow closed the door shut on Ren, he turned around slowly to Ozpin. He could tell the older man was doing his best to ignore him, but that sure as hell wasn't going to happen. "So Oz… Did you plan on letting these kids starve, or just resort to cannibalism?"

"They do say dog is an appropriate dish in certain cultures."

" _No!_ They are _not_ eating Zwei! We're driving to the supermarket and-

"We currently have no gas in our tank."

" _Dammit, Ozpin!_ We're getting them food, one way or another!"

After a brief silence, Ozpin flipped the wall of screens off. Standing up for the first time in 72 hours, he walked over to the fridge and pulled out his now frosted laptop.

"If you put your stupid show on, I swear to God…"

"Not this time, Mr. Branwen. I'm just sending an email."

"To who?"

"Our ride."

* * *

Staring at the few ingredients he had left, Ren sighed and placed them on the counter as he tried to think of a dish he could make out of a bottle of water, turkey gravy, blue cheese, bread, and an open pack of fruit snacks that could hold off 16 people for a few hours or so. He felt like he was on death row when he told the rest of the house there would be no breakfast today; even Zwei was barring his teeth at him. Ren couldn't bring himself to put the blame on Nora, however. It wasn't her fault that she was an impulsive eater.

Okay, maybe it was her fault. But she was the yin to his yang, the power to his flower (or flour, whichever one Jaune said it was). He'd never be able to forgive himself for doing such a thing.

But he could make her help him cook and not be able to taste test anything as punishment.

" _But Rennnn!"_ Nora cried, latched around his leg, "I _neeed_ to taste it! That's, like, my mission when we cook together! What am I going to do instead?!"

"Measuring," Ren said, handing her a cup, "Fill this to the ¾ mark and pour the gravy mix inside."

"I can't even taste the powder?"

"Nora, do you really think you deserve to taste the powder after what you did last night?"

"No… I'm sorry, Ren. I just had the midnight cravings again… I couldn't help myself." Nora's droopy face perked up when Ren placed his hand on the top of her head. He smiled at her to uplift her spirits a bit more.

"You know that I can't be mad at you just being yourself, right?"

Gripping his leg a little bit tighter, Nora's face beamed as she poked his nose with her free hand. "…Boop!"

"Good to see you understand," Ren helped Nora to her feet as she released him, "Now, I'm going to go look up something I could make with what we have here. I'm trusting you won't taste anything."

Valkyrie saluted the chef. "Aye-aye, Captain!"

The moment the door closed behind Ren, Nora's stomach growled at her. Oh, this was bad! Her own body was taunting her! How could she fight herself?!

"Okay Nora, focus!" the girl told herself, "Don't focus on eating! Focus on making food I'll eat later! Delicious food! To be eaten later! Not now! ... _Oh God I'm hungry again!"_

Letting out a frustrated yell, Nora slapped herself across the face.

" _No! Must. Not. Eat. Food!"_

Okay, okay. That seemed to do the trick. Grabbing the cup Ren had shown her, she poured both the water and gravy mix into it. "There! I did it!"

But it wasn't enough. Nora needed Ren to know she was sorry. She had to do more than this. But what could she do?

And then she caught sight of the instructions on the back of the gravy packet.

"Cook on medium heat till boil… So that must mean if I put it on high heat it'll cook twice as fast!"

Rushing over to the stove, Nora put the gravy cup in place and flipped the burner on to high. She grinned widely as the blue flame made the mix bubble. "Ooh… I wonder what'll happen if I set it to _extra high?"_

There was a reason Ren only let Nora _taste test_ his food.

Take one guess as to what that reason is.

* * *

About fifteen minutes passed, and the heat was already taking its toll on Qrow. He and Ozpin sat on the side of the dirt road that led away from the penthouse, watching the hill for a vehicle to ride into sight. For whatever reason, Ozpin was acting completely healed and was unfazed by the sun's rays beaming on his black suit. He stood tall, still holding a cup of coffee in his hand.

"So, how much longer did you say they'd be?" Qrow groaned, laying back on the pale brown dirt as he unfolded Ren's list for probably the 100th time.

"Soon, Mr. Branwen. I'm also surprised at how long it is taking them to arrive. They are quite the speedy driver. Perhaps he became lost…"

"Oh, well that's promising. Still won't tell me who it is, will you?"

"I will only say that you know them."

"…If it's Port I'm not going. He smells like salami."

"And you smell like alcohol."

"I would smell like that if _I had any!"_

As much as Qrow wanted to rant about his lack of booze, he was interrupted by perhaps the most annoying car horn of all time coming from the forest. As the driver honked it again, Branwen realized that only one man on this planet would ever willingly drive a car with a horn like that installed in it. "Oh no… Oh God no... Why couldn't it have just been Port?"

"If I had told you who it was earlier, then you wouldn't have been so willing to join me," Ozpin said as their ride skidded to a stop before them. Not only did the car make obnoxious sounds, it also looked obnoxious. Painted bright green with a small trailer latched behind it, the tiny smart car fit the loud and brash personality of its driver.

"Professor Bartholomew Ooobleck, present and reporting for duty!" the eccentric teacher announced as he opened the car door for Ozpin and Qrow, "Please fasten your seat belts upon entering. This ride may become quite jarring!"


	39. Grand Theft Ozpin

_**Hey everyone! Almost at 300 followers, and closer to 200 favorites! That's some good shit right there. Love you all.**_

 _ **Also, PSA time.**_

 _ **So I'm going to be working for the next 4 days straight, which means I'll probably be too tired to write up another chapter once I get home. Not only that, but I'll be on vacation for four days afterward and I probably won't be writing then either.**_

 _ **This may be the last chapter I have up for about a week or so, unless I can get one out this Sunday after I'm done packing and shit. Its extra long to compensate for the potential lack of updates, so I hope y'all enjoy it.**_

* * *

" _STOPLIGHT! STOPLIGHT!"_

Oobleck's car skidded to a stop moments before speeding into traffic, forcing Qrow's face into the headrest in front of him. He was pretty much unfazed by his nose being crushed since this was only the fifth time it had happened. He had feared the worst when seeing Oobleck behind the wheel of a vehicle, but had never expected it to be this extreme. Seriously, they had probably caught some air a few times going over a couple hills while weaving through traffic.

"I'm going to sue the hell outta you in about seventeen days, Bart," Qrow growled, attempting to push his nose back into place. The eccentric driver turned around in his seat and put a scolding finger in Branwen's face.

"Do you not remember the first thing I said to you?" Oobleck's voice was at its usual near-impossible-to-understand speed, "Fasten your seatbelts! That is the #1 rule when riding in a motorized vehicle! It guarantees your safety and will better protect you in the case of an accident!"

"I _am_ wearing it you idiot!" Qrow tugged on his seatbelt to show him, "You're just a terrible driver!"

"That is a ludicrous statement! I finished my driving test with a perfect score in approximately 10.987 seconds, which is only 1/20 the time it took any other to do so!"

"And they actually passed you? Who the hell was your driving instructor?!"

"That would be me," Ozpin interjected, "Professor Oobleck passed with flying colors, if I may say so."

Qrow wanted to strangle both men sitting in front of him right now. He wished he could argue with Ozpin about his obviously non-existent driving instructor credentials. But there was no more fight left in him right now. Being eleven days sober didn't help much either. Instead, he sighed loudly and lied down on the seat beside him. Hopefully they'd be at the grocery store soon, or he would smother himself in the coffee stained leather to escape this pain.

"Oh, I quite enjoy this song," Ozpin said excitedly, "May I turn up the volume Oobleck?"

"Do as you please! The louder the better!"

The light turned green just as the girl on the radio started singing about something called a _'Hollaback Girl'_ , and Oobleck's sudden acceleration pulled Qrow into his seat. There was no point in complaining anymore, as Ozpin and Bart were too busy shouting out lyrics to even acknowledge his suffering.

And then Qrow heard the thump.

Not just any kind of thump. _That_ kind of thump.

Oz and Oobleck went silent, freezing up as they heard three more thumps behind them. The car immediately began to slow down and Qrow sat up to glare at the two men. _"…What was that?"_

"I don't know what you're talking about," Ozpin lied, his hand shaking as he sipped from his mug, "Do you, Oobleck?"

"Not a thing," Bart said, sipping his own flask, "I definitely did _not_ just hit a pedestrian riding his bike beside us."

Qrow looked out the window and spotted a cyclist struggling to his feet in the middle of the road, throwing his fist at their car. Before Qrow could tell Oobleck to turn around the cyclist went from 0 to 100 and drew a gun from his backpack, aiming it in their direction.

"Today has become quite interesting, hasn't it?" Ozpin asked, seemingly unfazed by their current predicament even as a bullet ricocheted off their trailer.

" _DRIVE! DRIVE!"_ Qrow pounded on Oobleck's seat, _"I take it all back! Drive as fast as possible!"_

"Understood!" Oobleck nodded, a dramatic gleam in his glasses, "Fasten your seatbelts, this is going to be-

" _JUST DRIVE!"_

* * *

Much to Ren's disappointment, there were very little recipes online that featured gravy and fruit snacks as ingredients. Burying his head in his hands, he wondered why Nora couldn't have left carrots and broth out of her snack instead. Closing his laptop, he felt his stomach growl and knew just how everybody else in the house felt right now.

"Hey Ren!"

Ren perked up at Nora's voice; not because he always did, but because she was at his room and not in the kitchen where she _should_ be right now.

"Nora? What are you doing here? I told you to measure out that cup."

"Oh, that. Yup. I did that. Perfectly, I may add! Yup, I did that perfectly! You find a recipe yet?"

Ren recognized the tone in her voice. She wasn't telling him something. "No, unfortunately. Is there something else you want to say to me?"

"Something else? Oh no, no, no, no… Nope! Nothing at all."

If that didn't make it obvious to Ren that Nora was hiding something then nothing would.

"I see. Then why did you come up here?"

"I just missed ya, silly!" Nora waved him off, walking out of sight, "And yeah, um… Not that you should worry about or anything- Because why should you need to do that? - but you wouldn't happen to know where the fire extinguisher is at would ya?"

Any fears that Ren might have been having just came true at the sound of the smoke alarm going off downstairs.

"… Look under the sink. Bottom right drawer. Don't forget to pull the pin this time."

"Thanks Ren!"

* * *

Apparently law enforcement was lazy today, as not one cop car ended up chasing Ozpin, Qrow and Oobleck after their blatant hit and run. The trio had finally arrived at the grocery store, with the only casualty being Qrow's stomach. After he emptied his breakfast behind a bush, he and Ozpin left Bart with his car so they could go and shop. The driver agreed to meet them once Ozpin gave him the signal.

Qrow didn't know what said signal was supposed to be, but he figured it probably wasn't going to be subtle.

Needing two carts for the mountain of food and other assorted things the housemates needed, Qrow and Ozpin split up, tearing the list in half and picking up their respective items. It was Qrow's idea to do this, just so he could go sneak outside and over to the booze store just across the street for himself. He downed three bottles of whiskey in record time, and was still able to pick up his portion of the list before running into Ozpin who barely had a fourth of his own.

"Oh, you gotta be kiddin' me," Qrow slurred, hitting Ozpin's cart with his own, "Have you never been out shopping before?"

"Not in some time," Ozpin said, cocking his head as he tried to read Ren's handwriting, "Not to mention I know not what some of these things on the list are, or even find other ones."

"Did ya call the kid and ask him?"

"Yes, but Cinder answered the phone instead and told me to go _fornicate myself,_ to put it lightly."

"Gimme that list," Qrow ripped the paper away from the confused Headmaster, "What things don't ya recognize?"

"The ones with a small red X by them."

Qrow counted 27 red marks; over half the list. Of course.

"Wait, you don't know what tampons are?"

"Why should I? I've never used them before."

He had a point. "Fine. Follow me and we'll get the rest of this damn list. And don't run off."

"I'm not a child, Mr. Branwen."

"I know. That's what makes it even worse."

It didn't take long for Qrow to find everything Ozpin hadn't; being in his natural drunken state made things go a bit easier, as it helped block out the Headmaster's voice. After a minor altercation involving a cucumber and another male shopper (that's probably best not to talk about), the two men found themselves at the checkout line. The cashier seemed none too excited to scan their mountain of groceries, and was even more annoyed by the smell of alcohol on Qrow's breath as he tried to flirt with her.

"So, you just doing this job part time?" he crooned, leaning on the side of the counter, "Must be hard for an angel like you to be outta Heaven so long."

"Qrow, please," Ozpin said, unwrapping a candy bar he definitely didn't plan on paying for, "Do not flirt with the young lady. She might not be of age."

"Would you _both_ please stop what you're doing!" the cashier snapped, "Don't make me call my manager!"

"Fine," Qrow grumbled, rolling his eyes, "Rather not get in anymore trouble today anyways."

"So," the young lady said, scanning their last item, "Your total is $1,596.83. Will that be cash or credit?"

Qrow felt his wallet die in his pocket. He looked wide eyed at Ozpin, chocolate all over his mouth. "…What? It was coffee flavored."

"Did you even _hear_ that number Oz?"

"Yes, I did."

" _Well I sure as hell don't have enough for that!"_

"Not to worry," Ozpin said, tossing a small lit firecracker to Qrow, "Throw this."

Branwen stared at the explosive in disbelief. _"What the hell is this?!"_

"You ask too many questions, Mr. Branwen."

Reaching into his pocket, Ozpin pulled out even more small firecrackers and smoke bombs, having lit the fuses when Qrow wasn't looking. He tossed them into the air and onto the counter before rushing past Qrow and pushing both carts toward the front door.

" _JESUS CHRIST!"_ Qrow shouted, and with good reason:

 _This was goddamn robbery!_

Not having much choice, Qrow sprinted after Ozpin who was already halfway across the parking lot. As the cashier called for security, Qrow heard Oobleck's obnoxious car horn calling for him and Ozpin. Apparently the sound of people screaming was 'the signal'. The hatch to Oobleck's trailer was wide open, and the perfect fit for two shopping carts. _How convenient._

"Get in, lads!" Oobleck urged, honking his horn as Ozpin entered the trailer along with the carts, "Don't forget to buckle up!"

" _Stop repeating yourself!"_ Qrow screamed as he dove into the tiny car right as it sped off from the store. It was only now that he realized just why Ozpin had chosen Oobleck for this job.

* * *

"Look at it this way," Jaune grinned optimistically, observing the damage to the kitchen with Ren and Nora, "At least the house didn't burn down."

"Thanks to you," Ren said, "It was a good thing you were nearby, or otherwise that flame would've spread much further than just the stove."

For once, Nora wasn't the most positive person in the room. She was staring to her side, eyes focused on the floor and unnaturally quiet. Her disappointment in herself hadn't passed by Ren, and he put his arm around her shoulder in comfort.

"It's not your fault, Nora," he said, "I'm glad you wanted to help me out so badly. It's just… Kitchens aren't built for people like you. You're not the delicate type."

"I know that," Nora sighed, "But I'm trying to be, you know? I just want to be more than just the taste tester."

Ren smiled, squeezing her towards him. "Then we'll work on that, one step at a time. Together. And I'll cook you something special once Ozpin comes back with our food. How's that sound?"

That subtle hug lifted Nora's spirits tenfold. Grinning ear to ear once again, she spanked her best bud on the behind. _"Just amazing!"_

"Not sure you should reward someone for starting a fire, but whatever," Jaune said to himself as he walked away. At least those firefighter skills he pretended to have as a child finally became useful. He couldn't imagine anyone having as crazy a day as he had already had…

* * *

"Finally," Cinder stretched her arms up high, soothing her aching muscles as she sat delicately down on the couch, "That ape put down the remote for once."

Flipping through the channels until she found her stories, Cinder smirked as the opening credits to _'All My Faunus'_ began to play. Her happiness wouldn't last very long, as a knock at the door interrupted her solace before it could even begin. Groaning, she stood back up to see who could possibly want to bother her now.

"Oh, it's just _you,"_ Cinder sneered at a panting Qrow, two full grocery carts at his side, "Ren mentioned you would be here. Is that everything?"

"Yeah..." Qrow coughed, wiping his sweaty forehead, "That's… That's all of it."

"Did you run all the way there and back or something?" Fall asked, pulling the food inside.

"Don't you even start… I've been through a whole lot today, so-

 _*SLAM!*_

And with that, their conversation ended. "…Not even a _thank you?!"_

Stumbling away from the house and into the woods, Qrow barely had enough strength to open the van door and fall inside. Ozpin was back in his seat, laptop in front of him. "Oobleck just contacted me. He successfully ditched his car and is currently on his way back to Beacon, so he is in the clear."

"I don't give a shit about him," Qrow cursed, "What about us?! We robbed a goddamn store in broad daylight!"

Not to worry," Ozpin said, "Ironwood has it covered. He said he'll find a way to drop any charges."

"… _James?_ You're lying."

"I am not. He said we will know why very shortly."

"I don't like the sound of that."

"I will be honest, I did pee myself a little."

"And I didn't need to know that," Qrow grunted as he sat down on a box, "So, what now?"

"I do not know about you, but I plan on finding out if Lilac discovers the affair this episode."

Shaking his head, Qrow reached into his pocket for his flask, filled with just enough leftover whiskey to put him to sleep. "Be my fucking guest."


	40. Its Just A Prank Bro

**Hey-oo! Currently on vacation, but I got something done for all of ya!**

 **Wrote this in the backseat of a car. Will never do that again.**

* * *

 **Day 14/30**

* * *

Every year, there is one day that nearly everyone decides to antagonize their friends in generally harmless ways, usually falling on the 1st of April. These activities are defined as pranks:

\- **Prank** _/præŋk/ noun. 1._ A mischievous trick or joke, especially one in which something is done rather than said. _"It's just a prank bro."_

Many individuals enjoy inflicting this form of trickery upon their comrades, some more than others. While most decide to reserve their practical jokes for this specific day, there is one individual who believes that such actions cannot be performed within a 24-hour time period. Therefore, this young lady has always set aside one extra day per year to finish off her arsenal of practical jokes upon others.

Today was that day.

* * *

Snuggling under her bed sheets, Blake undid her bow and wiggled her second pair of ears as she prepared for an afternoon of solidarity and music. Them being constantly pushed down on her head was pretty uncomfortable, though leaving them exposed felt like walking around in her underwear for her. Therefore, she only took her bow off when no one (in this case her roommates) was around. Plus, Adam just happened to have an ear fetish and she'd rather not give him any more material to get off to. Blake never let him play with them while they were still together, and she sure as hell didn't want him fantasizing about them either.

Having two pairs of ears also led to an interesting situation when it came to using ear buds. Blake's cat ears did not hold her buds in place very well at all, but they could pick up notes and small pieces of audio in songs normal ears could not. Bass lines were deeper, drum solos were even more pounding, and voices sounded like they were singing in the room with her. Even the lowest quality MP3 file sounded like it was in HD when she used them over her human pair.

Popping her buds in one ear at time, carefully positioning them so they wouldn't fall out too easily, Blake laid back on her pillow and began scrolling through her music player for something to listen to. She landed on an album that she had just downloaded the other day, and figured now would be a good time to give it a play-through.

 _"_ _We're no strangers to love…"_

"…What the heck?" Blake sat up quickly and stared at her player. She re-read the song title, the artist, and the album; those were correct. The audio, on the other hand, was not the grungy guitar riffs she had been expecting. Instead, it had been replaced by some cheesy 80's synthesizer and a middle aged man who clearly didn't want his relationship to end.

Sighing, Blake figured that something must have happened to the file when it was downloading. Maybe the MP3 shop had given her the wrong item, or they had something wrong with their database? Either way, Blake shrugged and just selected the song at the top of her library. It happened to be a favorite of hers, and she smiled as the opening riff already began playing in her head.

The device did not play that riff.

 _"_ _We're no strangers to love…"_

"Oh no…" If Blake hadn't been suspecting something was up before, _now_ she did. Eyes widening, she clicked to the next song.

 _"We're no strangers to love…"_

Then the next one.

 _"_ _We're no strangers to love…"_

And the next one, and the next one, and the next one, _and the next one,_ and so on as she soon discovered that every song on her device had been replaced with this stupid one-hit wonder! Every file's name had been left in-tact, but the audio had been switched to trick her! Gritting her teeth, she nearly threw her player when she saw the one song whose info had been altered:

 _Song:_ _"_ _You Just Got Yang'd!"_

 _Artist: __Yang Xiao Long_

 _Album: __Happy Yang Day!_

"Note to self," Blake growled to herself, "Never leave Yang alone with my stuff again. _Ever!"_

* * *

Weiss hadn't expected to have fallen asleep on the lounge couch, but when you're entire body is still aching from a sunburn after 3 days, the constant itch just makes you tired. She hated being stuck in only a camisole, the white garment being the only shirt thin enough not to irritate her skin. She had tried staying in her dresses for the past couple days, but the tight-fitting garments only made her want to scratch herself more. For a young lady like herself to constantly be scratching at her body like a dog with fleas was unacceptable. Style would have to be put to the side for now so practicality could take its spot.

Pulling one of her thin shoulder straps up, Weiss fixed her bangs as she rose up on her knees. She really had to stop lying face down all the time; the last time she did that she ended up with this sunburn. Leaving her bare back exposed for some other problem to occur was the last thing she wanted.

"Ngh," Weiss winced, poking her lightish-red arm, "Great… Still tender. Better find Ruby."

Trudging lazily up the steps, she passed by Cinder on the way back to her room. The two shared a mutually venomous glare as they walked by each other, neither one stopping to insult the other. However, something unusual caught Cinder's attention that made her smile like a plotting schoolgirl. Weiss was too groggy and unaware to know that Fall had turned around to follow her, sneaking up closer and closer with a hand high in the air.

 _*SMACK!*_

 _"_ _AGGH!"_ Weiss shrieked in pain as Cinder cackled behind her and a handprint formed on her red back, _"You witch! What was that for?!"_

Cinder could barely breathe as she tried to respond. "What? You were literally asking for it!"

A completely confused Weiss stared at her before stomping off angrily. What the hell was that all about?! She knew Cinder was a total C-word, but why would she say she was asking for it the way she did? The thought continue to bug her even as she reached her room where she encountered something truly odd.

"…Ruby?"

"Hey, Weiss…" waved Ruby, a roll of toilet paper stuck to her hand, "I'd ask you for help with something pretty personal, but I'm pretty sure you'd say no."

"Why… Why are you holding all of that toilet paper?"

"Not really holding it. It's kinda glued on, actually."

"Didn't your father ever tell you not to play with that stuff?"

"Tell that to Yang," Ruby muttered, noticing Weiss's back as the heiress walked past her, "Oh. Guessing she got you too?"

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"I'd go look in a mirror if I was you."

Weiss rushed out of the room to the bathroom down the hall. Only moments later did Ruby hear her shriek as she finally saw what was written on her upper back. Weiss ran back into the room in a rage, her face even redder than it already was. " _Smack me, I've been a naughty girl!_ Who writes that on someone?!"

"That'd be Yang," Ruby said, finally ripping the roll from her hand, "Ew. I'm all sticky…"

"Why?! Today isn't April Fool's Day! That was months ago!"

"Yeah, she has this day she calls 'Yang Day'. Does it every year on some random day, so no one can prepare for it. Gets out all the pranks she couldn't do on that one day. She always hides so no one can get her back. It's kinda unfair, really."

"That monster," Weiss breathed, "Has she gotten to anyone else?"

"Yeah. _Me."_ Ruby and Weiss turned to an angry Blake standing in the doorway, music player in her hands. "She messed with my music. That's crossing the line right there."

"Ouch," Ruby said, "She did that to me too a couple years back. The 80's song?"

"Yup."

"Gah. I hate that one so much."

"We have to get her back before she reaches anyone else!" Weiss said, hands on her hips.

"Good luck," Ruby shrugged, "Even when I do pull a prank on her, she just laughs it off and says to try harder next time. She's impossible to break!"

Suddenly, Blake had an idea. _A good one._ One so devilishly good it made her nearly laugh out loud in how perfect it was. "Oh, I think I know just how to grind her gears…"

"B-but Blake, she's not a robot."

"Ruby, it's a figure of… Never mind. Just listen close. This will work. _Trust me."_

* * *

Days full of fun seem to fly by, as the moon was already in the sky when Yang finally finished off her last prank of switching Mercury's dirty magazines with the Lieutenant's own personal stash. Today was one of the better Yang Days of recent memory, and she smiled at herself in the bathroom mirror before hopping in the shower.

"I'd say today was pretty _Yangtastic_ , wouldn't you agree good-lookin'?" she spoke to her reflection, "Ah, I crack myself up sometimes."

Dropping her clothes, Yang stepped into the shower and soaked her golden locks in hot water. Humming to herself merrily as she reminisced the day, she reached for her favorite bottle of shampoo and popped its top. She poured it over her head, rubbing it through her scalp thoroughly to keep her precious hair in tip-top shape. By the time she realized that it didn't have its usual ocean breeze scent, it was too late. Yang opened her eyes and stared blankly at her hands, which were now a bright shade of purple. "No…"

Stumbling out of the shower, Yang swiped her hand across the fogged up mirror and stared at her newly dyed purple hair in horror.

 ** _"_** ** _NOOOOO!"_**

Her ear piercing cry could be heard not only from every corner of the house, but even from outside where Ozpin and Qrow thought they heard a banshee wailing from some distant land. To three girls in particular, it was a scream of victory.

"It's just a prank, sis!" Ruby called down the hall from her room, "No bad feelings, right?"

"You know," Weiss said, realization hitting her, "Won't this just make her pranks next year even worse in retaliation for this?"

Dead silence.

"Ruby, I'm so sor-

"Blake, when Yang comes to beat us up in the next minute or so, you're my shield."


	41. Its Just A Prank Bro 2

Neo never believed herself to be a coward. Sure, she ran away from battle when the odds weren't in her favor, but there is a difference between strategy and being afraid. She was rarely ever truly fearful of her life being taken.

Tonight, that rare feeling was in full force.

The moment she saw a (strangely) purple haired Yang Xiao Long stomping down the hall, she knew it was best to turn the other way and hide in her room under Roman's bed. She had beaten the blonde before in combat, but something about the way her eyes glared at her for the briefest of moments told her things might end differently this time if she got close. The moment Neo shut the door behind her, she heard another one slam open.

God pity the poor souls in that room.

* * *

 _"_ _WHO DID IT?!"_

Standing in the doorway of her sister's room, Yang was gritting her teeth as she eyed her frightened teammates. The three girls tried to answer her, but couldn't get any words out; not out of fear, but because of how odd Yang looked with such a shocking hair color. The former blonde realized that when Ruby started snickering, and put two and two together.

 _"_ _Ruby Rose…"_

Ruby gulped: the last time Yang used her full name was when she found out she had accidentally shrunk all of her clothes back home. She could still feel the burn of that resulting wedgie to this very day.

"Y-Yes, my lovely, beautiful, and super-kind sister who would never hurt me in ways I couldn't recover?"

Yang pointed a finger at her head. "Was _this_ your idea? Did you think _this_ would be funny?"

"Well…" Ruby looked at her teammates beside her, Blake more than Weiss. While this whole prank was Blake's idea, she was already holding her as a shield between her and Yang and would rather not put her in any more danger. "Y-yeah, I kinda thought it'd be funny."

"I see…" Yang narrowed her eyes and cracked her knuckles, "Then it seems I have no other choice!"

"Yang, wait!" Blake threw her arms out to shield Ruby even more, 'Can't we just talk this out?"

"Yeah!" Weiss followed, sliding in front of Blake, "It was just a harmless prank- _WHOA!"_

The two girls were picked up by their collars and gently moved out of the way by Xiao Long, the violet haired girl towering over her younger sister. Ruby threw her arms up to shield herself, fearing the incoming wedgie. _"No! These are my favorite panties!"_

But Yang didn't lay a finger on her.

No, she fell to one knee and _bowed._

"Wait… What?" Ruby scratched her head, along with an equally confused Weiss and Blake. "Is this another prank?"

"You've finally surpassed me," Yang mustered out, "It's taken you years, but this is the first prank where I can say that you got me. I never thought you'd be so daring as to dye my hair, but you were! And for that, I admit defeat."

"So, you're not mad?" Weiss asked.

"Oh no, I'm furious! If it was one of you two and not Ruby, then I'd have you hog-tied and gagged on the spot."

"Ah. Well then, good for you, Ruby!" Weiss laughed nervously, slapping Ruby on the back, "You finally surpassed your sister all by yourself. _With no help whatsoever."_

While Weiss wasn't too fond of the whole S&M bondage treatment, Blake was a bit more curious since it sounded similar to something out of _'Sauske VS The Entire Dojo'_. She wouldn't even mind if it was Yang doing it to her. She'd just imagine it was Sun again like last time. "Hold up Weiss. Maybe Ruby _did_ have a bit of help-

"Nope!" Schnee wasted no time in grabbing Blake by the bow and dragging her out of the room. She'd rather not lead Yang to suspect her having any part of this whatsoever. "Time for bed Blake!"

"But this is _your_ room!"

Once the two were gone, Ruby looked to Yang. "So do I get a crown or something?"

"Not yet," Yang grinned, "I want to see you in action. There's just enough time to fit in one more prank before midnight!"

"S-sure, why not?" Ruby might have been smiling on the outside, but not on the inside. In all honesty, she was surprised that Yang had believed the prank had been her idea at all. If there was one thing Ruby sucked at, it was pranks. Heck, her signature trick for the past five years was the basic 'Is Your Refrigerator Running?' prank call! Everyone knew that one! What could she possibly do?

And then she remembered something. Something so bizarre, it might just work.

It was a video she had seen on the internet, of course. But would it really fool someone?

"I've got an idea!" Ruby reached over to a sleeping Zwei and scooped him up in her arms, "I'll need your scroll and some duct tape though. Can you get me some?"

"Ooh, tape. I like what you're planning! BRB, sis!"

As Yang ran off to get the supplies, Ruby poked Zwei's tummy to wake him. The Corgi smiled at her and licked her face. "Alright, buddy. We're gonna show Yang the best prank ever! How's that sound?"

Zwei tilted his head in doubt. He might be a dog, but even he knew how much Ruby sucked at pranks.

"You know, I'm just gonna believe that's a yes."

* * *

There was rarely a night that Roman hadn't gotten drunk since the creation of his special cocktail. His constant intoxication had forced Emerald out of their room, with Neo being the only one who could tolerate his drunken stupor. The crook was prancing around his room with Melodic Cudgel in his hand (all dust ammunition disposed of, courtesy of Neo) and singing show tunes to his partner.

Neo just wished he knew a song other than _'Singing in the Rain'_. Hearing the same few verses over and over for about an hour was driving her mad. The little woman sat on her phone, trying her best not to throw it at Roman and knock him out for the night. When he decided to hook his cane around Neo's arm and pull her off the bed, she was just about ready to use her fist to put him out.

 _"_ _Heeeey, now~!"_ Roman crooned, the smell of mouthwash on his breath, "Dance with me, Buttercup! I'll make it rain fer us!"

Torchwick started throwing his drink in the air, splashing it all over Neo who was not in the mood for getting wet. Just as she was about to put a stop to his night, she noticed little Zwei trotting into their room. She cocked her head when she saw Yang and Ruby's heads peek around the corner, one of them pointing to a cell phone on speaker. She flinched when she saw Yang, but was surprised to see her not seething with rage.

"Huh?" Roman stopped spinning around when he heard the Corgi bark at him, "Whuz this mutt doin' here?"

"Who you callin' a mutt?"

Now, I'm sure you're all well aware that when an individual is drunk, their mind doesn't exactly work as well as it usually does. This fact holds true for Roman as well. And when a small dog starts talking to you out of nowhere, then there's not much else you can do but completely lose your shit.

 _"_ _Ah… Ah…. AHHHHH!"_ Stumbling backwards onto a bed, Roman's hand was trembling as he pointed at the 'talking' Zwei. _"T-talked! That dog talks!"_

Unlike Roman, Neo immediately saw through the trickery. She did her best not to join in Ruby and Yang's laughter from out in the hall, and covered her mouth when Ruby spoke into her scroll, her voice coming out of another scroll taped below Zwei's belly.

"Of course I can talk, you dummy!" Zwei 'said', "And I come with a message! We dogs are going to take over the world, unless you fulfill my demands! Is that understood?"

Wide eyed, Roman crawled on the floor to the Corgi. "Are you going to whip me in the butt?"

Ruby and Yang shared a confused glance, unsure as to what Zwei should say. "Uh… Do you like being whipped in the butt?"

"Not really…"

"Then yes! You will be whipped 100, no, _200 times! Right on the butt!"_

"Oh, God no! I'll do whatever you ask! Just spare me, please!"

"Excellent! Our first demand is that you order 50 rounds of high-grade ammunition for Master Ruby Rose once you leave this house!"

"That sounds expensive-

 _"_ _Very!_ But you will do so, or so help me I will whip your buttocks so hard your grandchildren will feel the pain!"

 _"_ _Okay, okay! What else?!"_

"Next, you will act as Master Yang's personal servant for an entire day and do whatever she says, no questions asked!"

 _"_ _Gah, alright! Is that all?"_

"Hm…?" Ruby noticed Neo slid a folded up note over to her, with a demand of her own scribbled on it. "Oh! And stop drinking every night! Spend sober time with Neo! Maybe then she'll give you your _'Just Desserts'_ again, whatever that is… Now, I must be going! I expect these demands to be met, Mr. Torchwick!"

"Yes, Overlord Zwei!" Roman bowed his head to the Corgi, "Praise your fluffy behind! Praise… _blurgh!"_

Zwei knew from that sound it was time to run. He scurried out of the room just as Torchwick emptied his stomach on the carpet, much to Neo's dismay. Sighing at the thought of having to clean this up, she kicked the door closed on Ruby and Yang and spared them of the disgusting sight.

Walking back to their room, Yang threw her arm over Ruby's shoulder and pulled her into a tight hug as she burst out laughing. "You really are the Queen of Pranks! I almost hate that I have to make you get this dye out of my hair tomorrow and give you the worst wedgie of your life!"

"Aw, you!" Ruby blushed, waving her sister off, "Can't stop joking around, can ya?"

 _"_ _I'm not joking."_

"…Can I at least change my panties first?"


	42. The Gang Gets Personal

**Day 15/30**

* * *

"So, uh… What exactly are we doing again?"

While Ruby was as happy as ever to see her Uncle Qrow drop by the house again for an early morning visit, she couldn't help but be absolutely confused when he converted their kitchen into a shoddy interview stage, complete with a green screen backdrop. It was a surprise to everyone, and not a good one; the situation wasn't made any better when Qrow told everyone to form a line outside the kitchen door. That alone took thirty minutes to get set up, since Ozpin insisted that they go in a certain order. By the time he was done calming everyone down, Qrow could barely give a crap about the whole thing anymore. Oh, why did he have to go and chug the rest of his booze in one whole sitting last night?

"A _halfway-done special_ , or whatever Ozpin called it…" Qrow mumbled in response to Ruby. The drunk was doing his best to put his camera into focus as his niece tried to get comfortable on her wooden stool. He really wished Ozpin would have told him how to work the damn thing, but then again that would be asking too much of the man. "All you need to do is answer a question or two, or tell me how you've felt about the whole experience so far. Just talk to the camera, pretty much. Easy-peasy."

"Ah, okay. But can I stand up instead of sitting? Yang really did a number on my butt with that wedgie last night."

"Ruby, I _just_ got the camera in focus-

"But it _reeaalllly_ hurts…!" Ruby cried, giving him her best puppy dog eyes.

"...Give me a minute."

* * *

 _Interview #1: Ruby Rose_

"Alright, Ruby. So tell me-

"Oh, wait! Can I go get Zwei? He'd love to be on this!"

"...Make it quick."

* * *

 _Interview #1: Ruby Rose and Zwei Rose Xiao Long (Take 2)_

"Are we good now?"

"Yup!" Ruby grinned, cradling Zwei like a baby.

"Okay, so just tell me how you've enjoyed this experience so far."

"It's been pretty cool, I'd say! The pool party was fun, even though Weiss got mad at me for not putting sunscreen on her…"

"Anything else?"

"Well, there have been some scary things that happened here too. Like when Adam went all crazy and attacked you and Winter."

"Please don't remind me of that."

"And then when I went out into the storm with the Lieutenant to save Adam and I saw him naked-

 _"_ _Wait, what?"_ Qrow's eyes widened: what didn't him and Ozpin see the night they lost power?!

"I saw Sun naked too… That wasn't as bad because he wasn't covered in mud, and Blake probably enjoyed that too."

"Can you move on to something else? Don't really think your dad would want to hear about that if he's watching."

"Dad's watching?" Ruby's eyes lit up as she waved at the camera, "Hi dad! Sorry I missed Father's Day!"

"Let's get back on track, kiddo."

"Oh, yeah. Interview stuff… Um, well I did get sick a couple times, so that wasn't very fun. And then I got a little drunk, and almost had to clean up Weiss's throw up… Now that I think about it, this hasn't been too fun at all."

Ruby's complete 180 change in mood told Qrow it was time to move on. That, and he had a bad feeling Taiyang would be leaving him a very nasty message on his scroll if the girl kept spilling these events to the entire world if he actually was watching.

* * *

 _Interview #2: Weiss Schnee_

"So, Princess-

"It's Heiress, you drunk," Weiss corrected him quickly. She wasn't too fond of this guy after seeing how he treated her sister.

"Whatever," Qrow yawned, pulling out his laptop to look at him and Ozpin's email account connected to the show's streaming site, "So I've got some fan mail sent in by viewers, and this one was addressed to you."

"Really? I have fans?"

"Yeah, I'm surprised too," Qrow rolled his eyes, "So, this one asks 'How's it feel to look like a white haired bottle of Pepto Bismol?'"

"…You just made that up, didn't you?"

"Nope. Just wanted to see if your face could get any redder than it already was."

"Wow. I hate you even more than Winter does."

"You wouldn't be the first."

* * *

 _Interview #3: Blake Belladonna_

Qrow had assumed that the sole Faunus on his niece's team would be the most well-mannered of the bunch and be the easiest interview. She wasn't being obnoxious or anything, it was just, well…

"Could you maybe put that book down for a moment?" Qrow politely asked the feline, who raised a finger to silent him. About a minute passed before she shut her book and placed it on her lap.

"Sorry, just finishing up a chapter. You were saying?"

"I didn't even say anything yet, but whatever. How's things been here?"

"It's been alright."

"…Is that all you have to say?"

"Adam hasn't bothered me lately, so yeah. I'm pretty content with how things have been so far, other than- _Speak of the devil."_

"Huh?" Qrow turned around when Blake pointed behind him at the man sneaking into the room, _"Oh for God's sake Adam, get back in line!"_

* * *

 _Interview #4: Yang Xiao Long_

"I'm guessing Ruby couldn't get that dye outta your hair?"

A more-than-peeved Yang sat arms crossed on the stool, looking very tired. "I couldn't even sleep last night knowing my hair looked like this! And now the _whole world_ gets to see it! _Gah, it makes me so angry!"_

"Easy there, now. Lots of ways to keep calm without breaking things-

 _*WHAM!*_

"…Or just punch a hole in the wall. That works too."

"So," Yang breathed, cracking her knuckles, "What questions you got for me?"

Qrow scrolled through the fan mail Yang had received, way too many of them commenting on her new hair style. "On second thought, I think we're done here."

"Why? We just started?"

"Let's just say I'd rather not see you cause any more collateral damage to this house. Or to other people."

* * *

 _Interview #5: Sun Wukong_

"Wow… I'm, not really sure what to say," Sun laughed nervously as Qrow showed him the fan art some of the female viewers had sent the monkey, "I'm pretty sure I can't bend my tail that way."

"Don't describe it to me," Qrow said, covering his eyes, "I don't understand fan girls sometimes."

"They can be pretty explicit, to say the least," Sun said, cringing as he came across a picture featuring him and Mercury 'sharing' Ren. He leaned in towards Qrow and whispered in his ear. "You wouldn't mind deleting these, would you?"

"That's your problem," Qrow handed the laptop over to Sun, "I don't want to look at those pictures ever again. Fan girls might not appreciate watching you erasing their hard work on camera, though."

"Oh…" Sun looked into the camera, trying his best to smile, "I'm, uh, I'm grateful I've got such passionate fans, but please, _please_ , don't send this kind of artwork to me. _Mercury_ enjoys this kind of stuff much more than I do. So send it all to him. Trust me, he'll _love_ it."

* * *

 _Interview #6: Pyrrha Nikos_

"Hello again!" Pyrrha smiled, sitting down in front of a relieved Qrow, finally glad that he could get a normal interview out of someone. "How have you been?"

"Good, good," Qrow smiled genuinely for the first time since becoming a part of this bet, "So you've been pretty popular with our viewers. Got a lot of encouraging mail here about you and that Arc kid."

"W-What do you mean?" Pyrrha blushed, immediately flustered at Jaune's name.

"Just that they want you to let him know how you feel and all that. You're so close to the kid that no one understands just why you won't tell him."

"I, uh… Well, it's not an easy thing to do! I just don't want to ruin our friendship or anything like that if he doesn't feel the same way. I want him to be happy, and if us just being friends makes him happy, then I'm happy."

"I hope you're not just telling yourself that you'd be happy that way," Qrow said, stroking his chin, "Both me and Oz have seen how you are with him, and I've got a feeling that you'd be a little more than upset if you don't ever tell him the truth."

Pyrrha looked to her feet, drawing circles on the floor with one of them. "Unrequited love is not a rare thing in life. For someone as idolized and praised as me who is given countless opportunities and privileges in life to feel something that normal people feel… It might not hurt as bad as I think it might…"

Hearing words like that would hurt anybody's heart, and Qrow was no exception. If there was one thing he didn't feel right in doing, it was letting the viewers see this painful side of Pyrrha. He stopped the recording as he saw Pyrrha's hand reach to her eyes. "Do you mind if we start over? I'd prefer not to put this out on the internet. Didn't expect ya to get so emotional about it."

"I'm sorry… I didn't mean to-

"Nah, its fine," Qrow said, turning the camera back on, "You just got to get things out, you know? Let's start over. I'll try and keep it positive this time. This'll just be our secret, okay kid? And just so ya know… I'm rootin' for you, too."

"Understood," Pyrrha smiled softly, clearing her eyes, "And thank you."

* * *

 _Interview(s) #7 and 8: Nora Valkyrie and Lie Ren_

 _"_ _I AM NOT A CROOK!"_

"…What?" Qrow asked, raising an eyebrow at Nora's opening statement.

 _"_ _You see these hands?"_ Nora held up her fists to Qrow, _"These are the hands of a fighter, not a criminal! I never did anything wrong! Ever! At all!"_

Still confused as before, Branwen looked to Ren for clarity. "You got any idea what she's doing this for?"

"She mistook interview for _interrogation,"_ Ren sighed, patting Nora on the back, "She brought me in here as her lawyer."

"Ah. Am I going to get _anything_ sensible out of this conversation?"

"Probably not, no."

"Then you're free to go."

 _"_ _YES! NORA VALKYRIE HAS BEATEN THE SYSTEM!"_

* * *

 _Interview #9: Jaune Arc_

The moment Jaune entered the kitchen, Qrow couldn't keep from snickering at his odd choice of pajamas. Sure, he had seen the kid walking around in them on the cameras before, but there were never this color. Pyrrha definitely had an odd taste in boys, but he could see what she saw in this dork of a human being.

"Look, if you're going to laugh I'd rather you not try to hide it," Jaune said, looking shamefully down at his once blue and now pink onesie, "It's not my fault Mercury doesn't know how to do other people's laundry."

"Sure, sure," Qrow smirked, looking over his notes. He was surprised when he saw the amount of fan mail addressed specifically to this noodle; it was almost just as much as Pyrrha's. "Whoa, kid. I didn't realize you were this popular."

"What are you talking about?"

"You got lots of fan mail, and I mean a lot. Lots of them are in all caps. Pretty sure they're yellin' at ya."

"Why? I never did anything at all!"

After reading over some of them, Qrow smiled when he realized just why people were getting on the kid's case. It seemed a lot of his fan mail came from some of Pyrrha's fans. "That's _exactly_ why they're angry. You don't understand girls very well, do ya kid?"

Jaune scratched his head. "What are you talking about? My best friend is a girl."

"Goddamn, you're dense. It's Pyrrha, right?"

"Of course."

"You don't think that her being all cuddly and close with ya might mean something else?"

"We're teammates. That's what teammates do."

"You're not making _any_ connections here? Like, none at all?"

"Well, I doubt that a girl I actually _like-like_ would ever _like-like_ me back. That's not how things work for me."

Qrow's jaw dropped at that all-too casual confession.

 _"…_ _You like Pyrrha?"_

"Yeah. She's the nicest person I've ever met, and she is pretty cute- _WHOA!"_

The camera tumbled to the floor as Qrow ran over and grabbed Jaune by the shoulders, lifting him off the ground and pinning him to the wall. "You listen to me _right now_ kid! That girl would _die_ for you, do you understand?! She is head over heels in love with you, and can't bring herself to tell you! All these people are begging you to do it, and I'll be damned if you leave her in the dark until this whole thing's done! You go to her and tell her _exactly_ how you feel! _Do you understand me?!"_

 _"_ _Okay! Okay!"_ Jaune screamed as Qrow violently shook him, _"I'll do it!"_

 _"_ _You'll do what?!"_

 _"_ _I'll tell her how I feel! I promise!"_

"Good," Qrow sighed, calmly dropping the boy to the floor, "I'd say we're done here. Want some tap water?"

Jaune had scurried out of the room before Qrow could even finish his sentence.

"Ah, shit. Might've been a little too forceful with him…" Qrow picked the camera up off the floor and felt his stomach begin to growl. Being in a kitchen full of food for so long made him much hungrier than usual, and decided that it would be a good idea to grab a bite before interviewing the other half of the housemates.

Because talking with the _next_ batch of people was going to be one hell of a bad time.


	43. The Gang Gets Personal 2

_Interview #10: Mercury Black_

"Could you please put your shirt on?" Qrow groaned, rubbing his temples in frustration as the next session began. Things were off to a rough start already when Black entered and popped his shirt off before flexing in front of the camera.

"Nope," Merc smirked, "Ladies are watching. Gotta give them some good visuals."

"Right… You been enjoying your stay here or not?"

"Well, I haven't banged anyone yet so it could be better. Saw my boss's tits though. Can't complain there."

"Douchebag."

"You say something?"

"Nothing," Qrow lied, thinking of a way to end this interview quickly.

"Anyways, who do you think I should hit?"

"What are you talking about?"

"Hit _sexually_ , just to clarify. Not physically, unless they're into that. I'm not a douchebag like Taurus."

"Keep telling yourself that…" Qrow muttered under his breath, "Why would I help you with-

"Which of your nieces do you think is hotter? Yang or Ruby?"

 _"…_ _Excuse me?!"_

"Nah, on second thought not them. Blondie hates me, and the little one's denser than Arc. Nikos is pretty hot, but then again so is…" Mercury trailed off, distracted by something on the floor in front of him. "Oh. I see what you're trying to do."

"Come again?"

Black reached down and picked up a dirty pen, holding it up to Qrow. "You just dropped this down here so I could see it and think 'Oh man, that looks like a penis'."

 _"…_ _Come again?"_ Yeah, this kid was definitely mental. Qrow was too dumbfounded to stop Mercury from taking the camera and holding it close to his face as he talked sternly at it.

"Those magazines were the Lieutenants, not mine! I ain't gay, ladies. I'm a 5-star man looking for a good time. With a woman. Not a man. Here, I'll give you a taste of what you could get with…"

Only when Mercury reached down to undo his belt did Qrow snap out of his daze to end the interview with a nice, solid right hook. Hey, Ozpin never said he couldn't get a little rough with anyone. It wasn't even abuse of a minor, since he was pretty sure Black was eighteen or so.

Even if he was underage, Branwen probably still wouldn't care.

* * *

 _Interview #11: Roman Torchwick_

"I'm gonna be honest with you," Roman said, adjusting his hat, "This hasn't been the worst of experiences. Sure, I've been drunk for about half the time I've been here but I've only gotten seriously hurt once. That talkin' dog was pretty scary, though. I didn't like that very much."

 _"…_ _How?"_

"Hey, don't ask me Uncle Red," Roman shrugged, "I guess some dogs are born different than others-

"No, not that," Qrow shook his head no, beckoning the crook to rewind his words, _"How_ did you get drunk?"

"Look pal, I only got the kids drunk once. Not happening again."

"I don't care about _them._ I've been sober for too many days then I'm comfortable with, and _I_ need another fix. _NOW."_

Torchwick grinned from ear to ear as opportunity presented itself. "It's gonna cost you. How much you got?"

 _"_ _Just this."_ One thing Roman learned today was that he wasn't the only person in the house with a weapon. He froze up as he felt the blade of Qrow's sword poke his Adam's apple. He didn't even have time to ask where Branwen had been hiding it before the interviewer poked him again. "Is this enough?"

"…I'll make you twenty bottles."

"Make it fifty."

* * *

 _Interview #12: Neopolitan_

"So... Are you going to talk, or am I just gonna have to make up a voice for you?"

Neo was completely ignoring Qrow, sitting cross-legged on the stool as she filed her nails. Figuring he wasn't going to get an answer, Qrow decided to just check the fan mail. "Well I'll be. You've got a lot of messages here lady. For someone who doesn't say anything and plays on their phone all day, you've got a pretty big fan base."

The little assassin raised an intrigued eyebrow at that. More fans meant more money. She quickly typed up a text on her phone and showed it to Qrow.

"What do they say?" Qrow squinted as he read the tiny words, "Let's see here. Lot of 'em wanna hear you talk, but I doubt you'll do that."

Neo nodded her head yes.

"Figured. This one's asking about your…cup size…"

Now that one resonated with her. If there was one good thing she learned from Mercury (the only thing, to be exact), it was that fanservice sells. Winking at the camera, she would let her fans deduce her size for themselves as she began unbuttoning her shirt.

"Wait! No! This is supposed to be PG-13! _PG-13!"_

* * *

 _Interview #13: Adam Taurus_

If you looked up awkward in a dictionary, then an interview between Qrow Branwen and Adam Taurus would be the definition. Might even be a little picture of it too. It wouldn't be too exciting of an image, since the two men had just been sitting there silently glaring at each other the whole time. Unfortunate, Qrow realized he had no choice but to break the ice.

"…Do like it here or not?"

"I fell into a coma, was shoved in a doghouse, knocked out once again by my subordinate, and I'm currently wearing a shock collar. _What do you fucking think?"_

"…I'll take that as a no."

"This interview is over."

"And a good day to you too, jackass."

* * *

 _Interview #14: Emerald Sustrai_

"Lemme guess," Qrow yawned, sensing predictability with this interview, "You hate everything about this experience and still wanna go home. Am I right?"

"Not...completely," Emerald answered as she looked through Qrow's empty wallet, "Cameras still bug me, but everything else has been fine. Any money on this credit card?"

"No, and give it back."

Emerald rolled her eyes and tossed the wallet back. "These goody-goody kids aren't all that bad, once you try to get to know them instead of killing them. I can't believe I'm saying this, but Cinder's even warming up to them I think. She's always trying to play with Ruby's dog. I never knew she liked animals so much. Her softer side isn't so bad. I think I like it more than her normal side. Not that I _don't_ like her normal side! I like _all_ sides of her! Good side, soft side, hot side, back side…"

"Uh-huh…" Qrow scratched his head as Emerald's thoughts went elsewhere, "Care to talk about something else?"

"Like what?"

"Like how you snuck into Cinder's room and stole her panties late last night?"

 _"_ _I-I didn't-!"_

"Night vision cameras say otherwise."

"…I _really_ hate those goddamn cameras…"

* * *

 _Interview #15: Cinder Fall_

Surprisingly, out of all the interviews Qrow had to conduct today, it was the one with Cinder Fall that he was most eager to conduct. To be able to talk with someone who hated Ozpin nearly as much as he did right now and rant with them about the Headmaster was a godsend.

"And you said he beat him in front of porn?" Qrow asked, resting his chin on his fist as Cinder retold Ironwood's 'visit' to the van that Ozpin refused to speak of to him.

"Oh, indeed," Cinder nodded, brushing her hair back, "I have pictures of the whole thing."

"Send them to me. Those'll be good blackmail one day."

"I must say, Mr Branwen. I thought you'd be as insufferable as Ozpin to speak with. I regret not taking those times I brushed you off so carelessly to speak with you about his ineptitude."

"Ditto. Shame you're on the side of that witch instead of ours. You seem level-headed enough, unlike the rest of your gang."

"Level headedness does not necessarily mean I have any intention of keeping peace in the world, Mr. Branwen. If there's one thing I learned in life, it's that power doesn't come to those who refuse to rise up and take control."

"So power's what yer after, eh? Care to elaborate on that?"

"Oh, please," Cinder chuckled, "Don't think that just because we had a friendly chat about a mutual hatred that I will confide my life story to you."

"Hey, worth a shot. Still, you've seemed pretty happy not having absolute power."

Cinder folded her arms. "And what makes you think that?"

"You're pretty fond of Zwei. Can't even count how many times I've seen you playin' with the little guy when no one's around."

"I'm merely entertaining him, that's all," Cinder lied, turning her nose up at Qrow, "If I didn't he'd constantly bark at me."

"So you gonna lie about your _singing_ too?"

 _"_ _Wh-Wha-?!"_ Fall's eyes widened; how did he know about that?! "I do _not-_

"There's a camera in the shed. Ozpin ain't good at a lot of things, but hiding stuff is one of 'em. You're not a bad singer, you know? If you weren't butting heads with little Miss Schnee, then I bet she'd be glad to help polish your high note delivery."

"I'd never ask that entitled brat for anything. People like that are below me."

"I ain't a fan of the Schnees either, but that one is Ruby's friend. That kid is good at a lot of things, but one of them is picking good people to be her friends. There's probably something good in her you could find and appreciate."

"I didn't come in here for a therapy session..." Cinder mumbled. While she wasn't lying this time, she couldn't deny that Qrow's words made some sense. To say her quest for power had weakened lately would be slightly true, as well as that she had been doubting some of the words Salem had told her about these people. Before, she had seen many of these people, including her subordinates, as just pawns in a game that had to be removed. Seeing the bonds between these friends continue to grow and pull others in (even Neo was working side by side with them!) was more than intriguing. At times, it was even beckoning…

But disobeying Salem would lead to severe punishments. And if that was to happen, she may never live to fulfill her own desires.

But were those desires still going to remain for the rest of her time here?

"Pretty tough shell you got there, miss," Qrow said, "Got some big cracks in it though… I'd think about things, if I were you. Anyways, you're good to go. Got one more guy to interview."

"No fan mail?" Cinder asked as she stood up, "I heard there was fan mail. I didn't get any?"

"Yeah, but I don't feel like searching for it. It's all lost in this guy's part of it."

"He has fans? How much does he have?"

* * *

 _Interview #16: Lieutenant... Um…_

"Ten pages?" the Lieutenant questioned Qrow, "That's a lot, right?"

"It's nearly half the mail we got. Do you want me to read you- Okay, can you stop _stroking_ the pen please? It's… unsettling."

"Huh? Oh man, I didn't realize I was even doing that," the big guy said, studying the pen, "Kind of looks like a penis, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, someone said that earlier. Didn't really want that pointed out again."

"Is it yours? Do you want it back?"

"No no, I don't. Just keep it."

"Neat. I can add it to the collection."

Not wanting to hear anything about this collection, Qrow changed the subject completely. "I'm gonna ask you something that apparently everyone wants to know."

"Is it about which brand of baby oil I use when I work out? It's Plum Island Premium, by the way.

"…No. Your name."

"My name?"

"What is it? I don't know, Ozpin doesn't know, none of the viewers know, nobody in the house knows, and I bet you your psycho boss doesn't even know. Do you even know yourself?"

"Well, of course! My name is-

 _*THUD - CRASH – WHAM!*_

Qrow shielded his eyes as the ceiling shattered above him, plaster and wood raining down on him. As the dust cleared around him, he saw a figure rise abruptly from the rubble bouncing back and forth on their heels, completely unaware that they were standing on the Lieutenant's spine.

"Who the hell are you?!" Qrow shouted, throwing his arms out in emphasis. The ginger haired girl looked over her shoulder for the source of the voice, and grinned widely as she waved at her potential new friend.

 _"_ _Sal-u-tations!"_


	44. Friends

**Over 300 followers. All I have to say is...**

 **You guys rock.**

* * *

 _"_ _PENNY!"_

Excitedly hugging her not-so-human friend, Ruby couldn't stop grinning that Penny Polendina had finally dropped by to say hello. Penny returned Rose's hug tenfold, forgetting that her grip was leagues stronger than hers. Only when Ruby started tapping out from pain did Penny realize her own strength.

"Are you okay, friend Ruby?" Penny asked, bending down to check on the now twitching girl. Ruby gave her a shaky thumbs up in response.

 _"Just… peachy…"_

While Ruby was elated to see Penny, pretty much everyone else was trying to figure out why she was here, let alone how she had even arrived in the first place. A few in particular hoped her visit wouldn't last very long, as the house was crowded enough already. Letting someone crash on the couch would only take up more of the limited space they had.

"Remind me to never let that girl hug me," Yang muttered to Blake and Weiss, who nodded in agreement.

"So, quick question," Ren asked the newcomer, "Who _are you_ exactly?"

Penny stared at him for a moment, examining his face to determine if she had ever met this boy before. _"…Salutations!_ My name is Penny Polendina. What is your name?"

"Uh… Lie Ren?"

 _"_ _Sensational!_ I hope we can become the _best_ of friends!"

 _"_ _Gha?!"_ A nerve snapped in Nora's head. She wasn't one to act jealous, but she was Ren's best friend. _Of all time._ She gripped Ren's arm tightly and started pulling him away, asserting her dominance as the only quirky and awesome ginger haired girl in Ren's life.

"Nora? What are you doing?"

"Let's go play some _video games,_ Ren," Nora said, narrowing her eyes at an oblivious Penny, "It's only what _best friends_ who've known each other for _years_ do together! But not together-together. It'd be hard to hold the controller while-

"I _think_ she gets it, Nora!" Ren covered the girl's mouth before she could continue rambling, "It was nice meeting you, Penny."

"Enjoy playing video games, Lie Ren and friend of Ren!" Penny waved as the two left the lounge and went upstairs. She brought her attention to the rest of the gang, smiling just a bit too happily at them.

"Isn't that the girl with the big laser thing?" Sun quietly asked Blake.

"Yup. The one and only."

"Like I said before," Roman said, "You kids just keep getting weirder and weirder."

Having just chugged down one of Roman's special cocktails in one gulp, Qrow made his way to the front of the crowd to confront the newcomer. No one else had asked the obvious question yet, and figured he might as well get it out of the way himself. "So kid, what made you come and visit this little piece of hell on Earth?"

"That is a good question!"

A moment or two passed before Qrow realized she wasn't going to elaborate any further.

"Do you wanna answer the question, or…?"

"Oh! Yes, I would!" Popping open her backpack, Penny reached around and dug inside until she pulled out a shiny CD and handed it out to Qrow. "I was told by General James Ironwood to give this compact disc to a Mr. Qrow Branwen and Headmaster Ozpin. Do you know where I can find those two gentleman?"

"Yer lookin' at one of 'em," Qrow sighed, taking the disc from her and shoving it in his pocket.

 _"_ _Sensational!_ That compact disc contains all the information you will need to know prior to me taking residence in this house."

 _"_ _You're moving in!"_ Ruby leaped to her feet, all traces of crushed bones practically gone, "That's awesome! Isn't that awesome!?"

Ruby's smile was not shared by everyone else, most wearing a look of worry on their face. Only Pyrrha did her best to put on an enthusiastic grin so Ruby wouldn't feel left out. "I think that sounds… wonderful! Don't you think so, Jaune?"

"Huh?" Jaune snapped out of his daze, and nodded slightly. Qrow's words had been ringing in his head ever since his interview ended, and being around Pyrrha made the thought of confessing just a bit more daunting. "Yeah, sure. I guess we can make room somewhere."

"She can stay in my room!" Ruby spat out, soon remembering she had roommates. She looked at Weiss and Cinder for permission. "I mean, if that's okay with you two!"

Before Cinder could respond with a flat out no, Weiss sighed and shrugged. "I guess we could pull out the cot from inside the closet for her to sleep on."

 _"_ _Sensational!"_ Penny shouted, clenching her fists happily, "I've always wanted to sleep!"

"You have fun with that," Qrow said, already halfway out the door, "I'll see you kids later. Gotta deliver the news to Ozpin. He's gonna _love_ this…"

Once the dusty drunk was gone, the gang soon split apart as Ruby and Weiss took Penny up to their room. Only Cinder, Emerald, and Mercury were left in the lounge, the former telling them to stay behind to discuss things only known between the three of them.

"Isn't she the robot girl we have blueprints for?" Emerald asked Cinder.

"Yes, she is," Cinder said, resting her chin on her hands in contemplation. "This is quite the strange turn of events, though an unwelcome one."

"You gonna do something about it?" Mercury yawned, clearly not interested in whatever Cinder had to say, "Because I'm not."

Cinder's eyes widened for a moment at his defiance, before glaring at the disobedient assassin. "If I give you an order, you will follow it. Don't forget your _place_ , Mercury."

"My place?" Merc laughed, "Yeah, I don't think so anymore."

 _"…_ _What did you say?"_

"I've been thinking lately, Cinder, and there are a hell of a lot of other things I'd rather do with my life after this that stay as your little _errand boy._ I'd rather be making movies and smut than killing for you. At least I'll get some tail from the latter. I'm a 5-star man, and I'm gonna prove to the world that I am one. And once the world sees how great I am, I'll finally get the recognition I deserve. So you can act out your schemes for that witch you worship, while I'm gonna be swimming in cash and bangin' bitches."

 _"_ _You…!"_ Cinder stood up to slap the assassin across the face, but he grabbed hold of her hand just before she reached him. "Let go of me this instant!"

"Just so you remember," Black said darkly, "My legs are made of steel. Keep that in mind, or the next time you try that I'll kick more than just your teeth in."

Mercury didn't look back after letting go of Cinder. The furious woman sat back down beside Emerald, in disbelief that one of her most trusted associates would just abandon her so easily. Mercury had always been a prick, but he had never outright turned on her before. And now, Cinder knew why.

She was just a powerless woman now.

He didn't _fear_ her anymore.

"I can't believe him!" Cinder snarled, gritting her teeth, "How _dare_ he speak out of tongue! He has to pay! Emerald, go and… _Emerald?"_

"Ma'am…" Emerald said quietly, having kept silent during the confrontation, "I think… I think he might have a point."

"…What did you say?" This time, Cinder uttered that not out of anger, but out of shock. Surely, Emerald wouldn't…

"I mean, there is so much we can do once we win this whole thing. We won't need to get back at the world for how it's wronged us. We'll have the money to make our lives good again! People watching don't think we're criminals or scum! _They'll accept us!_ We don't need to kill anymore! We can enjoy ourselves for once!"

For once Cinder had no answer. She sat staring at the floor as Emerald slowly went to put her hand on her shoulder. "We don't have to be alone anymore…"

 _"_ _Go."_

Emerald pulled her hand back at Cinder's stern order. Biting her lip, she stood and walked the same way Merc had went, turning back unlike him. "Look… If you want to talk, you'll know where to find me."

The room felt much bigger now that everyone was gone. Adam and the Lieutenant were a lost cause from the start. Roman and Neo had broken away from their alliance after the diary incident. And now that _Mercury_ had left her… and _Emerald,_ who she thought would never even dream of leaving her…

Cinder stared at her reflection in the TV, an image of the weak, young girl she once was years ago staring back at her. Bruised, dirty, wearing that little maid outfit her step-sisters always put her in. She was worthless back then. No one gave a damn about her existence or about her words. So young, so broken…

So alone.

Cinder never wanted to feel that way again. But now, she was living it once more.


	45. Someone Gained, Someone Lost

The best thing about Qrow not being in the RV was the lack of criticism Ozpin received for enjoying his stories. Being able to shed a tear over a sad moment was not something he dared do in front of another; it would shatter his stoic and wise demeanor. Sending the drunk to perform interviews was more or less just an excuse to get some alone time, and not really a requirement of the bet set by Salem. Speaking of Salem, Ozpin was quite surprised by her lack of meddling so far. Perhaps she had turned over a new leaf, becoming more of a simple, honest soul.

Yeah, probably not.

As his current episode reached the midway title card, the door behind Ozpin swung open as his reluctant partner returned from the penthouse.

"Ah, you're back Mr. Branwen," Ozpin spun around in his chair to greet Qrow as he stomped into the RV, Ironwood's disc in hand. He dropped his box of knock-off alcohol and filming equipment, ignoring the Headmaster's greeting. "How did the interviews go?"

"You haven't been watching the cameras again, have you?" Qrow snapped, taking Ozpin's laptop out of his hands. He inserted the disc and placed the PC on a cardboard box.

"This is the last episode of the season. I promise. Then once I complete the next one I can return to my observation duties."

"Oh, I bet you will…" Qrow said sarcastically, pressing play. General James Ironwood's face filled the screen immediately afterwards.

"I dislike this film already," Ozpin said, sipping his coffee, "What is this about, exactly?"

"If you were doing your job, you'd know. Just watch this and Jimmy will tell you all about it."

"Greetings, Ozpin," Ironwood said smugly, "I take it that you have received this disc from a certain Miss Penny Polendina, unless you somehow obtained this through other means. Knowing you, you may likely have done so."

"Wait… Penny Polendina? The robotic child? She's in the house?"

"She's a robot?" Qrow asked, raising an eyebrow, "Huh. Explains why she was so quirky. How did you know she was one?"

"A man of my wisdom knows many things, Mr. Branwen."

"Apparently being a competent camera watcher isn't one of those things."

"You're probably wondering how and why she is now under your supervision," James' recording continued, "It took some persuading, but I managed to secure a special stealth fighter that would drop her from high-altitude so that you could not predict her arrival. I could not afford you trying to prevent her from joining your little game, so I had to let her appear without warning. And now onto the _why_ portion. Penny will be my 'compensation' for you tarnishing my name. She will now be receiving her own cut of the total lien you gather from this scheme of yours, and will deliver it to me personally. I expect you to ensure her safety, for if she is harmed in any way I will hunt you down. I will _find_ you. And I will _hurt_ you."

"I wouldn't wanna be you right now," Qrow smirked at a rightfully frightened Ozpin.

"The same goes for you as well, Qrow. Do not think I have forgotten about those _jokes_ of yours."

 _"_ _Goddammit."_

"I believe that should cover just about everything. If you have any questions, then don't bother calling. I refuse to speak to either of you until I receive my payment. So gentlemen… Have a _wonderful_ day."

Once the screen went black, Qrow ejected the disc and snapped it in half. He dropped it to the ground and crushed it under his heel for good measure.

"Feel any better after that?" Ozpin asked.

"A little, yeah."

"Good. Then I will allow you to clean it up."

"Oz, look around us," Qrow gestured to the mountains of filth around them, "We _never_ clean shit up. I've still got bottle lying around from when I first got here."

"Hm. Good point. Maybe you should do some cleaning."

"There was a little part of me that thought you'd actually volunteer to help with that."

"As you said yourself, my duty is to watch the video feed. I assumed you would acknowledge that and take care of the chores while I performed my job."

"…You know what? I'm not even going to argue with you about that. That's how little of a damn I give right now. I've got enough booze now to drink myself to sleep after this."

"Excellent. Also, I'd avoid the back corner if I was you. I may or may not have forgotten to empty the urine pail this morning after you left."

 _"_ _I told you to do that outside!"_

"Well, it seems the squirrel decided to let a rabbit take its place. And I am quite sure they carry rabies as well."

* * *

"I am so sorry about your injuries!" Penny was leaning over the Lieutenant's bed, where the big guy was lying face down with an ice pack on his back. After becoming the robot girl's landing pad after her crash through the roof, he had been carried upstairs immediately for some medical attention. Penny had asked Ruby to take her to him to offer her apologies, as it was an experience she had never had before. Ruby agreed of course; the more normal girl things she could do, the better she'd blend in with society. "Is there anything I can do for you?"

"Don't worry about it," the Lieutenant waved her off, "I've been pounded a lot harder than this before. Pain doesn't bother me much anymore anyways."

"That is fascinating! Would you care to elaborate on these experiences?"

"Well, have you ever been branded before?"

Before he could start his story in full, Adam entered the room and was immediately annoyed by the uninvited guests. "Why are you two in my room?"

 _"_ _Salutations!"_ Penny smiled, walking up to the psychotic Faunus, "My name is Penny Polendina! What is yours?"

Ruby could feel a kind of parental instinct kick in at the potentially dangerous situation. "Uh, Penny. I think we should go."

"I am the shadow of the night, a soldier of justice. My name is Adam Taurus, and I strike fear into-

 _"_ _Sensational!"_

"…What?" Adam cocked his head in confusion, "You're not… You're not _afraid_ of me?"

"Why would I be afraid? You seem like a _swell guy!_ I feel we will become the best of friends! The same to you, Mr. Lieutenant Man!"

"Friends? You mean like a _menage a trois?_ I don't know, you're not exactly my type being a girl and all."

"Oookay, now its time to go," Ruby urged, dragging Penny away before her innocence could be tainted by the big guy's innuendos, "Sorry for bugging you, Adam!"

The door closed on the two White Fang members, and Adam sat down on his bed in contemplation. "Lieutenant… Was that female coming on to me?"

"Boss?"

"She showed interest in becoming my companion. What other reason than that would she want to become my acquaintance?"

"I dunno, but I say we don't need another woman interfering with our lives. They'll only cause trouble like Blake did. Plus, she's a _human_. And you don't like them very much, remember?"

"Oh yes, that is true. Filthy human scum."

* * *

As the day went on, Penny soon became familiar with the entirety of the penthouse as Ruby gave her the grand tour. There were a few altercations along the way (most notably a magnet sticking to her back when visiting the kitchen), but things went surprisingly smoothly for once. Penny's friendly disposition made quite a few housemates warm up to her moving in, since she didn't seem like the kind of person to cause trouble (unlike others). Ruby made sure to personally introduce her to everyone upon Penny's urging to meet new friends. Like with Adam, Ruby was reluctant to let her meet a few people (Mercury in particular), but the robot girl felt no negative feelings toward anyone in the end despite their less than stellar attitudes. Though a few were still creeped out by her overflowing positivity like Emerald and Roman (and one individual was jealous beyond belief), it seemed like everyone had nothing to hold against her.

Well, except for Cinder.

In fact, both Ruby and Penny had no idea how she felt about the latter since they couldn't find her anywhere. The two had searched every nook and cranny of the property, even asking others like Emerald and Yang to help look for her, but Cinder couldn't be found anywhere. Tired from searching, Ruby and Penny made a pit stop in their room to relax after hours of walking in circles.

"Sorry we couldn't find her," Ruby said, hanging her cape in the closet, "It's really weird we couldn't find her at all. She might just be avoiding us for some reason."

"Why would she do that?" Penny asked.

"Cinder is kind of… How do I put it? Secretive. And kind of not very nice at times."

"Is she not your friend? Is she mean to you?"

"She's not mean to _me_ at all. She barely talks to me, unless she wants to spend time with Zwei. She's bitter towards a lot of people, especially Weiss. The only person she really hangs out with is Emerald, but even then Cinder doesn't really ac like a friend usually would. I can't figure her out at all."

"Maybe she is shy," Penny suggested, tapping her chin, "Or perhaps something else. Regardless, I feel like we could be good friends if we met!"

Ruby sighed in response. "Penny, I know you have the best thoughts in mind, but some people just don't like other people. There are mean people out there, remember? Adam is one of them, and so are some of the others you met today. Some have gotten a little nicer since moving in here, but Cinder… I just don't know what's going on in her head."

"Then let's find out!" Polendina hopped to her feet, "My father told me something once before: _Friends are like stars: you don't always see them, but you know they are there._ Is that not like our current situation? Once we find Cinder, she can become our friend!"

Ruby couldn't help but laugh softly at her positivity. Perhaps Penny was right; Cinder might just not know how to make friends. Maybe she just needed a little push. "True, but we can't make her our friend if we can't find her."

"Are you sure we have looked _everywhere_ for her?"

Nodding yes, Ruby's eyes soon trailed over to Zwei. The Corgi was panting happily at her, and his little black nose gave Ruby an idea. Opening Cinder's closet, she pulled down one of her dresses and brought it to the dog.

"What are you doing?" Penny asked, leaning over Ruby.

"We can't find her, but Zwei's nose can!" Quickly hanging the dress back up, Ruby opened the door and clapped at Zwei. "Okay, buddy! Find Cinder for us!"

 _"_ _BARK!"_ The little dog scurried into the hall, with Ruby and Penny close behind. Once again, Zwei had been entrusted with a mission of importance. And he would not fail Master Ruby and Metal Girl in finding Cinder. His honor as a Corgi depended on it.


	46. Baby Hold My Hand

_**WOOOOO!**_

 _ **RWBY Vol. 4 is coming Oct. 22nd! Hype train people!**_

 **Ahem... Anyways, here's a bigger chapter for you all today. Next one will be coming on Tuesday or Wednesday.**

* * *

My name is Zwei Rose-Xiao Long, and I must apologize to you for a less than formal introductory statement but this is quite the urgent mission I am on. It seems the Crimson Bitch has gone missing, and Master Ruby alongside her new companion Metal Girl (who I must say is quite a delight; she has already scratched behind my ears!) have called upon my powers of heightened scent to sniff out this problem!

Do you understand the joke? I said 'sniff out' the problem instead of 'snuff out' the problem. Ah, a jolly good jest if I do say so. A Corgi's undeniable sense of humor is another favorite trait of my being.

However, the time for witticisms has come and passed. The trail of lavender scented perfume is faint, and I must follow it swiftly before it disperses completely. It seems to travel downstairs, past the lounge where Monkey Boy usually sits watching the picture box. One day I will discover the magic that projects images onto that glass screen…

Ah, I am becoming distracted once more! Focus, Zwei! Keep at attention! Master Ruby depends on you!

Now this is quite interesting. The trail leads down the stairs into the theatre at the very depths of our residence, yet continues past the curtain as red as Edgelord's hair. It seems Master Ruby knows of a room lying behind this barrier, and is running to grab a flashlight. A wise decision; my night vision is nowhere near as polished as my other skills such as exhuming an air of cute wherever I may wander.

I fear this is the end of my mental insight for now, my friends. This mission has 'gone up to eleven', as the humans say now that I must venture into pitch darkness. I must bring full concentration into finding the hiding spot of our missing comrade, but I promise we shall have a session together once again.

Until then, chaps. May my tubby legs guide me through the unknown to victory.

* * *

 _Dear Diary,_

 _It's so cold down here._

 _It's all Ozpin's fault. My powers would be very useful right now if he hadn't implemented that stupid barrier. This candle only provides so much comfort in this musty basement. All I hear is water dripping from old, rusty pipes that I can't even see. I don't even hear any rats scurrying around. I don't like it here very much, but I can't find anywhere else to be alone. I don't even know if anyone else knows there's a room behind the movie curtain, let alone a door to a secret basement below it. I hope nobody finds out. There's no cameras here, no life._

 _Nobody to turn their back on me._

 _They're all fools for leaving me. They don't understand what they are leaving behind! They could have everything they ever dreamed of if they would just stick to my plans! I don't get it! Why don't they want revenge?! Why? Why…_

 _Why don't they understand?_

 _Society treated them like garbage, just like I had been. Why would they give the scum that shamed them, walked on them, and threw them out on the streets a second chance? Why do they think money will make their lives better?_

 ** _IT WON'T!_**

 _They'll think they're happy, think things will be alright, then someone will take it away! They'll be stabbed in the back like I was! They'll fall back down to filth and ruin, and I will laugh in their face when they ask for help! I'll show them what it means to be strong! They'll see! They'll…_ _ **I'll…**_

 _I'll do nothing._

 _I_ _ **need**_ _them._

 _I can't do anything_ _ **without**_ _them._

 _Once this whole thing ends, I'll have nothing but my powers. I can only fight by myself for so long. And Salem? If I don't have power over anyone, she'll think I'm weak and toss me aside for another. I can't take on the world alone. I don't_ _ **want**_ _to take it on alone. I'm…_

 _I'm afraid._

 _The world doesn't care about the weak. If I don't have power, then what am I but another poor girl with no one, not even_ _ **a family**_ _, who loves her or cares she even exists? What good am I to anyone? Why…_

 _Why did_ _ **she**_ _have to be right…?_

* * *

The pen fell from Cinder's hand as a droplet of water extinguished her flickering light. She looked upwards into the blackness, holding up her hand to see where it had come from.

It only took her a moment that it had fallen from her eyes.

"No…" Cinder murmured, shaking her head in denial. This was wrong. She couldn't be crying. She had told herself years ago when she was just a little girl she would never cry again. She was going to be a woman, a powerful one who would make those who tormented her pay.

But the truth was, she was still just a girl playing make believe.

 _"_ _Nooo…"_ she moaned, hugging her shoulders tightly as visions from her youth came back into her mind. The days when she would be picked on by her three step-sisters for being nothing more than an adopted orphan, taunted mercilessly by other children for not being of royal blood, her own step-mother forcing her to sleep in a stuffy attic while her favorite children slept in rooms of luxury, and most of all…

 _That day._

Her eighteenth birthday. The day she became a woman. The day her so-called family promised to throw her a grand party, to make amends for everything and release her of her servitude.

The day they burned all her clothes and gifts they had bought for her, just to rub in the fact that she meant nothing to them.

The day her mother told her she'd always be alone.

The day she discovered her Semblance, and took her family's lives for her step-sisters reading her diary to their mother.

The day Salem came to her and offered her a second chance.

A second chance that would never come now.

 _"_ _NO!"_

In tearful anger, Cinder threw her diary into the darkness, the book bouncing twice before landing in a puddle she couldn't see. Realizing what she had done, Cinder fell on her hands and knees, feeling around the cold, damp floor for her only cherished possession. By the time she found it, there was nothing to salvage. She could feel the soaked cover, the pages inside crumbling in her hands from being wet. All her words, thoughts, deepest confessions…

 _Gone._

She began to shake from her wet clothes chilling her skin, as well as knowing that she had once again fallen to her lowest point. She crawled up against a wall, pulling her knees to her chest and just sobbed.

Cinder had forgotten just how much being alone hurt.

But it wouldn't last long.

"Hello?"

Gasping, Cinder looked up at the creaking sound of the basement hatch opening, followed by a light shining down through the hole. She could hear the panting of a dog and two people rustling about, and shielded her makeup smeared face when their flashlight shined on her.

 _"…_ _Cinder?"_ Ruby Rose breathed in disbelief. Penny was looking from over her shoulder, looking just as distressed as Ruby. "Is… Is that really you?"

Barking once, Zwei walked over to Cinder and sniffed her, whining as he nudged at her leg to try and comfort her. Cinder shooed him away with her hand, burying her face so that the girls couldn't see her tears.

 _"_ _Go away…"_

"I don't think so," Ruby stated, kneeling down to her level, "I'm not going to leave you down here. We've been searching for you all night! You're lucky Zwei's nose is as good as it is, or we'd never have found this place!"

 _"_ _Why do you think I'm down here then?!"_ Cinder screamed, her voice echoing off the walls. Only once the haunting sound of her mirrored voice ceased did she continue hiding her face again. "…They left me, Ruby. Mercury and Emerald. We were a team with a mission. We were going to do things after this. _Terrible things_ to you and your friends, because my superior promised me the only thing I ever wanted in life. And now that they're gone, I have nothing to live for. I have no future to look forward to. I'm weak again… I'm alone again… I'm-

"No you're not."

Cinder looked Ruby in her shining silver eyes. The younger girl had crawled up beside her, placing a hand on her shoulder. "If you really want some friends so bad, then I'll be your friend. You just have to talk to us, Cinder. It might take some of us a bit to feel comfortable around you, but if you just say what you're really feeling then we'll-

"No... I won't let you…"

"Cinder, please… I hate seeing you like this! Nobody should have to feel the way you do! You don't need to hide yourself away from any of us!"

 _"_ _I said no!"_

"But why?"

 _"_ _You'll turn on me!"_ Cinder interrupted, her sudden loudness making Ruby flinch, "You'll be no different than Mercury or Emerald, or my step-sisters! You'll lie to me and make me believe something, then knock me down again and again… _I'm weak... Worthless…"_

"That's not true!" Ruby assured, tightening her grip, "I would never do something like that to you, and neither would Emerald! With how much she hangs around you, I know she cares about you! She probably doesn't want to do anything bad to the rest of us once this is over because she wants things to change! And Mercury… Well, Mercury isn't exactly the best person alive, but don't let him bring you down! I don't know about what your family did to you, but don't let those memories haunt you like this. Not everyone is like them."

Cinder stared at the girl, trying to piece her together. Why would she be so willing to help her, especially after she told her that she planned on hurting her and her loved ones? "I don't understand… Why are you doing this? _I'm your enemy!"_

Giggling, Ruby stood up and offered her hand to Cinder. "I'm a Huntress in training, remember? It's kind of in my job description to help people who need it. That, and…" Ruby looked back thoughtfully at Penny, remembering their first meeting, "I don't think anyone should be without a friend, no matter what kind of person they might be."

"And I have been waiting to meet you for hours!" Penny exclaimed, "I want to be friends with as many people as possible! It will be a sensational time living here with so many friends!"

 _"_ _BARK!"_ Zwei added, not wanting to feel left out.

She was crying again. This time though, Cinder didn't hide them: these were tears of joy, of acceptance. The coldness of the basement melted away as Cinder felt her heart warm as she smiled up at Ruby.

So this was what Cinder had been striving for all these years.

This was happiness.

Still, she couldn't help but be a bit haughty with the girl. "You know, I still don't believe you about everyone not being like how I think they are. I don't think there's anything that'll ever make me trust Mercury again."

"Okay, you might have a point there," Ruby agreed, rubbing the back of her head, "Let's get out of the dark and get you cleaned up. Pretty sure everyone's done with the showers now. Sound good?"

Wiping her eyes, Cinder nodded and picked up in her arms. "Yes, Ruby. That sounds wonderful."

* * *

Never before had a shower felt so good to Cinder than it did tonight. Stepping out into the cool hall, she felt lighter as if the water had washed away a part of her she had been burdened with carrying for years. Yes, it would be awkward trying to talk with Ruby, Penny, and the others in the house in such a friendly manner, but Cinder knew she could do it.

She might never gain the kind of power Salem promised her, but she would gain another form of strength instead.

She stopped in front of her room and reached for the doorknob, but her gaze trailed down the hall towards someone else's room. There was someone in there she knew she had to apologize to.

Opening the door ever so quietly, she was greeted by the sound of Nora snoring. Roman and Neo were also asleep, curled up under the covers with Neo's phone lying between their faces. While those three were sound asleep, another was wide awake.

"Ma'am!?" Emerald whispered in surprise before Cinder hushed her, "I-I was wondering where you've been! Where-

"Come here," Cinder beckoned, "Let's go downstairs and watch some television."

Feeling butterflies inside, Emerald tiptoed over to Fall, sliding out through the crack in the door. "W-Was there anything you wanted to watch in particular, ma'am?"

"No. I just… I just want to talk and to spend some time with you, that's all. Because…" Cinder said, hands fidgeting behind her back, "We _are_ friends, right?"

Sustrai wasn't sure to be elated or taken aback by Cinder right now. This was so unlike her… What had she been up to for the past few hours? As bad as she wanted to ask her, Emerald felt it would be better to bring up at a different time. Now was not the time to let a good moment pass, especially with how the moon shined through the window and illuminated Cinder's wavy black hair, creating a glint in her clear amber eyes…

The last way Cinder expected Emerald to respond was with a kiss to the cheek. She felt her cheeks fill with heat as Emerald blushed in a panic, seemingly fearful of being struck for stepping out of line.

But that was something Cinder never wished to do again. That part of her was gone.

 _"_ _I-I'm sorry, ma'am! It w-w-was just out of impulse! I didn't mean-_

"It's alright, Emerald," Cinder answered, placing her hand on Sustrai's arm, "And please… just call me _Cinder_ from now on, okay?"

"Uh… Y-yeah," Emerald blushed, looking at her feet, "Sure thing… Cinder."

The two of them watched television until the early hours of the morning before falling asleep on the couch, Emerald lying comfortably on Cinder's shoulder and a smile on both their faces.

Only Neo saw them like this the next morning, and took a snapshot on her phone to preserve a moment she never thought she'd see in her lifetime. Perhaps she and Roman could get some money out of Emerald to pay for a framed version of it...

* * *

Miles away, in a hellish domain most people wouldn't imagine existed, Salem sat on her throne watching her camera feed on repeat. Unlike Ozpin, she had been doing her duty by observing the events of the day, and was very intrigued by the unexpected arrival.

Cinder had reported to her of a robotic girl under the care of an Atlas scientist and General Ironwood, and they had made plans to utilize her as a catalyst for the downfall of Beacon once the Vytal Tournament began. But with that plan in jeopardy in the scenario that this bet fell in Ozpin's favor, Salem needed to re-calculate her imminent victory. With Penny's sudden arrival, however, the witch quickly discovered a way to sabotage the serenity of the housemates from the inside out.

It was all too ironic that this innocent little Penny Polendina would still play a role in her victory of Ozpin.

All Salem needed… was time.

"I hope you're ready, Ozpin. The fun has only just begun…"


	47. Season's Feelings

**Day 16/30**

* * *

July is one of the hottest times of the year. With summer in full swing, most people tend to bask in the warmth and enjoy the lovely weather before the chill of Autumn brings the first signs of cold and winter.

By most people, I mean everybody except for one particular individual.

" _Merry Christmas everyone!"_

That was the last thing Yang, Ruby, Jaune, Pyrrha, Sun, and the Lieutenant had expected to hear while eating breakfast and enjoying some cartoons on TV. The four stared wide eyed at the pine tree that had toppled into the room, with Nora standing proudly over it. The spritely girl donned a Santa hat atop her head, grinning as a shower of pine needles flew up from where the tree had fallen.

"I'm sorry, what?" Jaune asked.

"Christmas, silly!" Nora gladly answered, "It is _July,_ after all!"

"Last time I checked, Christmas was in December," Yang corrected, to which Valkyrie scoffed.

"Haven't you heard of Christmas in July? It's, like, only the best repeated holiday since Halloween! I'm surprised you didn't know about it, seeing how you know about a second April Fool's Day."

"Ooh, burn…!" Ruby whispered in her sister's ear, to which Yang snatched one of her cookies and tossed it across the room. _"No!_ That one was extra chunky!"

"Well I hope you didn't expect us to get you any presents," Sun said, holding a spoonful of cereal with his tail, "Kinda hard to buy gifts without any warning."

"The holidays are not just about receiving gifts," Pyrrha corrected, "It is a time to spend with those you care about and be thankful of the things you have. I think that may be the reason behind Nora's reason to celebrate the occasion more than once a year. Am I right, Nora?"

"Um, yeah!" Nora laughed nervously, "Totally that! Definitely not just so Ren and I can chop down a tree, decorate it, and then knock it back down again for fun! Nope! Not that at all! Right Ren?" She turned to her best friend, who was wearily walking inside with an axe in hand exhausted and tired.

"Sure… Let's go with that."

"You should have asked me for help," the Lieutenant said, "I don't like to brag, but I'm quite skilled at handling _big_ pieces of _nice, hard_ wood, especially in the morning."

"Phrasing, dude." Sun groaned.

It took Jaune a bit to notice the tree Nora dragged in looked a bit familiar. "Is that the tree from the front yard?"

"Maybe."

"Aw, that was Zwei's favorite!" Ruby exclaimed, picking up the cookie Yang had thrown off the floor and stuffing it in her mouth, "He always tinkles on that one first when I take him out!"

Staring at his hands, Ren sighed as he turned to go upstairs. "If you need me, I'll be in the bathroom for a while. I'll bring down the decorations you packed when I'm done, Nora."

"Would you like help putting the tree up until Ren returns?" Pyrrha asked Nora, who gave her a thumbs up. She smiled at Jaune, who had just finished his plate. "Care to joins us, Jaune?"

"Uh, not now," Jaune declined, hastily grabbing his dishes. It was obvious that he was avoiding time with Pyrrha; even during breakfast he hadn't really said a word to her or even looked at her. After having told Qrow about how he felt of her, being around her felt much more awkward and nerve-wracking than ever. "I've got some, uh, things to take care of. Sorry, Pyrrha."

"Oh…" Nikos tried her best to smile, but failed as Jaune left without another word. Her disappointment was noticed by everyone, Nora especially. Puffing out her cheeks, she grabbed Pyrrha's shoulder and started pulling her away. "Nora, I said I was coming-

" _GIRL TALK!"_

Once the two Team JNPR members were gone, the remaining four housemates stood up with dishes in hand, Yang shaking her purple head in disappointment. "The day Jaune finally grows a pair is the day I decide to permanently keep my hair this ugly color."

"I think your hair looks fabulous!" the Lieutenant said cheerfully, flinching when Yang glared at him in disapproval. In the midst of fear, an idea popped in his head. Why fear and thoughts of pain gave him inspiration was best left unquestioned. "Oh! Take my plate, Ruby! I've got an idea! I have to go!"

Leaving in a flash, the big guy left Ruby with a second set of dirty dishes atop her own. She started at the empty plate in confusion. "…How did he eat without taking his mask off?"

* * *

After washing his hands ten times in a row, Ren finally exited the bathroom, much to a waiting Roman's relief. On his way to Nora's room to pick up the box of decorations she had packed away in a suitcase, he noticed Jaune's head poking out from his own room. His teammate beckoned to him to come in, to which Ren obliged. It seemed Jaune wanted another one-on-one talk with him about something personal; at least this time Ren was wearing more than just his towel.

"What seems to be the problem, Jaune?" Ren asked, sitting beside Jaune on his bed.

"It's… It's Pyrrha," Jaune forced the words out, "You remember the dance, right? Back at Beacon?"

"I remember how hard it was practicing that synchronized routine."

"I'd rather not think about that. Anyways, before that Pyrrha and I were up on the roof. She'd gone up there alone, and I followed her, and we talked about things. She said she wished someone like me had asked her to the dance, and I never really understood what she meant until not that long ago. Ren… I think she likes me."

Ren had to force his hand down so he wouldn't facepalm himself. "I would have never guessed…"

"And then I started thinking about Weiss, and how I just wanted her to be happy with someone. And when I realized that someone couldn't be me, I realized why I had followed Pyrrha up in the first place. I wanted her to be happy the same way I wanted Weiss to be. She had done so much for me, with training me and supporting me, that I just… I just couldn't get her out of my head. Nobody had ever had that much faith in me before, especially not a girl as kind and as caring and pretty as her. Then I realized I didn't like Weiss anymore… Ren, _I like Pyrrha._ As in _like-like."_

Doing his best not to run down and tell Nora the extremely good news, Ren patted Jaune on the back and laughed. "Jaune… You have _no idea_ how long we were waiting for you to say something like this."

"I don't get it."

"Of course you don't. You wouldn't even be able to guess just how right you are about Pyrrha liking you. She's completely head over heels for you."

"…Are you serious?"

"100% serious."

"Oh no… _Oh no oh no on no…"_ Clutching the back of his head, Jaune stood up and began pacing in circle around the room. "This is bad, this is bad, _this is bad!"_

"Why? Why is you and Pyrrha liking each other bad?"

" _I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!"_ Jaune shouted, throwing his arms out in frustration, "It's not like when I asked Weiss out! I _expected_ to get turned down! If I do it to Pyrrha, she'll say _yes!_ I don't know what happens after that! Do we just kiss right off the bat?! Do I take her out to dinner?! Heck, I can't even do that since were stuck in this freaking house! Oh God, this is just bad on all levels!"

"Calm down, Jaune," Ren eased his teammate back down onto the bed, "You're not doing this alone. Nora and I will do whatever we can to help you out here, okay? We're you're friends. We'll make this work. Trust me."

Breathing in deeply, Jaune let it all out in one big sigh. "Okay… Okay, Ren. What's the plan?"

"Leave it to me. I have to get the decorations for Nora, and I'll let you know as soon as think of something. Just stay here and relax."

"Thanks, Ren," Jaune smiled as Ren stepped out the door, "You're a lifesaver."

"Don't mention it… Seriously, don't mention it. I don't want the Lieutenant coming to me for help with his feelings."

* * *

Turning over a new leaf was not something Cinder ever considered doing until yesterday. Now, she was realizing it was the best thing she had ever done with her life. She sat on her bed with Zwei, occasionally scratching behind the dog's ears as she sewed herself a new dress from scratch. Reaching for some red thread, she nearly pricked her finger with her needle as an uninvited guest barged into the room.

"Could you please knock?" Cinder snapped at the Lieutenant, letting her venomous side slip out.

"I need you," the big guy said, reaching into the front of his pants.

"If you touch me, I will gouge out your eyes with this needle."

"Not like that," the Lieutenant clarified, pulling out a piece of notebook paper, "You're good at sewing, right? Make this for me. It shouldn't take you that long."

"Why was that in the front of your pants and not your pocket?"

"See how the trim is fuzzy here?" the big guy said, completely ignoring her question as he pointed out the details of his commission, "It goes around the bottom too. Can you make this before midnight?"

"I don't even want to touch that paper, let alone make what's on it," Cinder scooted back on her mattress to avoid contact with the paper, "I'm busy with my own thing right now."

"Please? It would mean a lot to me."

As the Lieutenant gave her his best puppy dog eyes from behind his mask, Cinder bit her lip in frustration. Though making something for Adam's lackey was the last way she wanted to spend her afternoon, she _was_ trying to change herself for the better. She didn't want Ruby's encouraging words to go to waste. If this was how Cinder had to make friends around here, then this these last 14 days were going to be difficult.

"...Fine," Cinder caved in, taking the paper between the tips of two fingers, "I'll start right away. Come back in about two hours or so for it."

"Great! That'll be just enough time to set everything up!"

As the Lieutenant left as quick as he had entered, Cinder let Zwei crawl on her lap as she studied her commission. "...Who wears a Santa suit in July?"


	48. Soft

"Zwei, no! Don't pee on the tree!"

Watching Ruby chase her confused Corgi away from the house's new Christmas tree, Blake sighed before returning to her task of cutting paper snowflakes with Sun. While the girls were doing quite well with snipping intricate patterns, the monkey was out of his element with dozens of failed ornaments sliced in half at his feet. Blake smiled in pity when Sun tossed his scissors to the side in frustration. "Giving up already?"

"Already? Do you not see the pile of failure at my feet?"

"That's because you're cutting too much in the middle," Blake showed him her snowflake, pointing out the tiny cuts down its fold. She handed her scissors to Sun and took his hand in hers, guiding it a fourth way down the paper to get him started. "Just relax your fingers, and take your time."

"Wow," Sun grinned, "If I knew you were going to hold my hand, I'd have actually volunteered to do this instead of being forced too."

Blushing brightly, Blake bopped him on the head with her free hand. "You're on your own now for saying that."

"Ah, come on. I was joking! And I could seriously use your help with this. I mean, look how many you've made compared to me. If we work together, we'll be done in no time."

Unable to resist his stupid smile, Blake shook her head and took his hand again. "Okay, okay. But this is only just so we can get done quicker."

"Whatever you say…"

Across the room, Weiss observed Nora and Pyrrha placing shiny red ornaments on the tree. If they were going to be celebrating Christmas in this building, then Weiss was going to make sure this tree was adorned flawlessly. "Nora, move those two red bulbs four one branch up each, then bring that gold one down to where that green one is now."

"Uh… Could you write that down?"

"I've got it," Pyrrha said, saving Nora from the wrath of Schnee, "Why don't you put the star on top Nora?"

"Oh no, we have to do that last!" Nora said, slapping Ren on the back as he pulled out the star, "It's kinda Ren and I's tradition to do it together."

"My sister and I used to do something like that," Weiss said, "She'd always hold me up on the ladder to reach the top when I was little. Then my father and I would light the tree up together. We did that for years, until Winter left to join the military."

"What about you, Pyrrha?" Ren asked, "Did you and your family do anything special?"

"Oh, yes! We would always spend time on the beach, and sit around a fire until the sun set. The sky was always so lovely at that time of year."

"You go swimming while there's snow?" Weiss asked, taking a handful of garland from Ren.

"Oh, no. It's always too warm in Mistral for it to snow. I've actually never seen snow before in my life."

" _What?!"_ Nora shouted, freezing mid-step in shock, "You've _never_ seen snow?! Or gone sled riding, or built a snowman, or had a snowball fight?!"

"Unfortunately, no," Pyrrha sighed, studying her reflection in a shiny red bulb, "It's one thing I have always wanted to see, however. When it didn't end up snowing at all during winter break last year, I was quite let down. I would have loved to have shared my first snowfall with all of my friends."

"Why didn't you tell us?" Weiss asked, "I could have set up a trip to a ski resort so you could see a bit of snow."

"I didn't want to be a bother for something so simple. Really, it's nothing to worry about. Let's finish up this tree, shall we?"

Ren could tell her face said otherwise. As simple and as meaningless as a bit of snowfall might seem to him or Nora, Pyrrha dreamed of seeing the beauty in some frozen water falling from the sky.

And that gave him an idea.

When Nora walked away from the tree to pick up a bulb that had rolled away, Ren went up behind her and whispered into her ear about what Jaune had told her. He covered her mouth the moment her eyes lit up in excitement, and hushed her while pointing to the stairs. After Nora nodded when he told her to act inconspicuous (and not blurt it out to the world), he told her to go to Jaune's room and wait for him. The moment she zipped upstairs, Ren turned to Pyrrha and Weiss and made up a reason to depart. "It seems I left some ornaments upstairs. Nora's going to help me look for them. We'll be back when we find them. Keep working on the tree in the meantime."

"Of course," Pyrrha smiled, "We'll save the star for you then."

The moment he turned his back to Pyrrha, Ren smiled at the thought of Pyrrha's wish coming true much sooner than she would ever believe.

* * *

For the remainder of the day, the housemates spent the day as if it was actually Christmas. While Ren worked in the kitchen for nearly the entire afternoon on a ham dinner, the gang participated in numerous activities. The Christmas carol karaoke contest down in the movie room got especially heated, mostly because Weiss lost to Penny who had secretly auto tuned her voice at Ruby's advice. A few notable renditions of classic songs including Yang's take on "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree" and Sun's "Jingle Bell Rock"; a less than enjoyed tune was the Lieutenant singing his favorite tune, "Santa Baby", complete with hip gyrations and winks at a disgusted Adam.

The egg nog drinking contest was also quite competitive, only because Qrow decided to drop in and participate (the promise of something semi-alcoholic was irresistible to him, even if the alcoholic content was mouthwash). Thankfully, only he and Torchwick took part in that one; both were throwing up slightly green nog by the game's end. Ruby and Yang had to drag their uncle back outside to the van since Ozpin couldn't come to get him, whereas Neo took the opportunity to draw some phallic imagery on a passed out Roman's face at Emerald and Mercury's suggestion.

Surprisingly absent from the day's activities was Cinder, Jaune and Nora. The latter's absence was brought up quite often, though many figured she was busy preparing some ridiculous event somewhere else in the house. Cinder being gone was not as surprising, even though she had actually greeted Pyrrha with a hello when they crossed paths this morning. The lack of Jaune bothered Pyrrha more than Cinder's 180 switch in attitude, but she hid her gloom well. She did her best to enjoy her time spent with everyone, though seeing someone else sitting beside her and laughing other than him tugged at her heart.

It was dark out by the time Ren finally finished making their Christmas dinner. Having set up some tables in the lounge near the shining tree, everyone's mouth was drooling at the assortment of holiday themed dishes including apple pie, gingerbread men, peppermint cake, and a big honey ham.

"Dig in, everyone!" Ren announced, removing his splattered cooking apron.

"You're the best, Ren!" Ruby exclaimed as she dumped all the gingerbread men onto her plate before stuffing her mouth with them. The proud chef quickly slipped away amidst the grabbing for food, rushing off to complete his next task.

"Never thought I'd enjoy Christmas for once," Emerald said, "Usually it's cold and boring. This was actually not so bad."

"Wish there was a mistletoe though," Mercury followed, "I could show you ladies the magical lips of a 5-star man."

"Will you stop calling yourself that?"

"Hey, not gonna hide the truth. Pass me that kettle corn, Nikos. Yo, Earth to Nikos!"

"…Huh?" Pyrrha exited her daze as Merc snapped his fingers. After handing him the dish, Pyrrha looked down at her own and felt her appetite disappear. Jaune not being around had never bothered her so much before; perhaps it was because of how he had brushed her off this morning when she asked for help on the tree. Had she done something wrong? Maybe she should go find him and ask-

"Hey, Pyrrha."

And like that, he had found her.

"Jaune!" Pyrrha gasped, dropping her fork on her plate, "Where have you been? You've been gone all day!"

Jaune laughed nervously, hands behind his back. "Yeah, I know. I did say I had something to take care of, and it took this long to get it done."

"What _have_ you been doing?"

"That's what I came to get you for," Jaune said, walking away from the table, "Follow me and I'll show ya."

"But, what about dinner?"

"Ah, it'll still be here when we get back. Okay, maybe everything except the sweets. Looks like Ruby's already moving onto the cake."

Pyrrha giggled as she watched Yang try to stop Ruby from shoveling the cake into her mouth with her bare hands. "I was never a fan of sweets anyways. Let's go, then."

* * *

Jaune walked ahead of her as they went upstairs, avoiding answering her questions as he led the way to their destination. The girl noticed this was pretty unusual of him; most of the time he was aloof and didn't want to stop chatting about something. The hallways were surprisingly dark too, but only until they reached their destination: the doorway to the outside deck, a pair of lamps shining an orange glow onto the two of them

"Well, we're here," Jaune said, stepping aside from the door, "You can go first."

"Are you sure?"

When he nodded, Pyrrha walked by him and took hold of the knob. The last thing she expected to feel upon pushing that door open was a blast of cold air. Shielding her eyes from the sudden wind, Pyrrha's mouth dropped open when she finally saw it.

It was snowing.

The deck was covered in a thin layer of white, icicles hanging from the lit up railing over a frozen over pool. Even the fake palm trees were covered in clumps of white, Christmas lights wrapped around their trunks. A light flurry of cold, wet flakes fell from above, carried by the cool breeze and blowing out over the pool.

" _Oh my God…"_ Pyrrha gasped, covering her mouth with both hands as her eyes teared up, _"Oh my God… It's so… So beautiful!"_

"We tried building a snowman, but the snow wouldn't stick together," Jaune blushed, rubbing the back of his neck as he tried to make conversation. Pyrrha looked back at him, wiping her watery eyes.

"Jaune… How did you...? _Why?"_

"Well, Nora and Ren told me about how you always wanted to see real snow, so we just kinda made some. I figured the best Christmas was a white Christmas, so we just got to work on it. You have no idea how many fans we have blowing cold air down there to keep it all from melting."

Pyrrha brought her gaze back to the wonderland around her, taking in the beauty of it all as Jaune slowly walked up beside her. "This is… This is the nicest thing anyone has ever done for me…"

"You've done so much for me, Pyrrha," Jaune said, leaning on the railing as he looked at Pyrrha. He was distracted by the lights reflecting in the vibrant green of her eyes, twinkling like the stars in the dark sky above them. "I just wanted to show you how glad I am to have you around, and how much… How much I really care about you."

" _..Jaune?"_

Pyrrha felt her breath stop in her chest. Rising, Jaune grasped her trembling hands in his, looking in her eyes and ignoring the coldness flowing around him. The heat rising in his chest and face was because of her, like how it had been when she had shared his bed, when they had been at the pool party, and when they had shared this balcony just a few days ago to watch the stars. Why he had held himself back from this for so long, he never knew.

"Pyrrha," Jaune began, taking a deep breath to keep his nerves in check, "I don't really know exactly what to say right now, but I'm just going to say this… You've been the most important person in my life for a while now. You've helped me through so much at Beacon, and I wouldn't even be where I am right now without you. Whenever I'm not feeling at my best, I don't hear my own voice telling me to stand up and be strong: I hear _yours._ I… I _literally_ can't get you out of my head, and I don't want to. There's nobody else I'd rather have sitting up in that empty space. You're _more_ than my best friend, Pyrrha…. You're my-

 _Soft._

He had never expected her lips to be so soft. Even though Pyrrha had pulled him in so hard and suddenly to her face, she kissed him tenderly as she expressed her desire for him in her life. She could feel herself lean into his body even closer, pressing her chest up against his as she fumbled to wrap her leg around his. Pyrrha's fingers danced through his unkempt hair, and she let out a small moan in her throat as she felt Jaune's hand grip her back. She had been waiting so long for this, to free her feelings and let them introduce themselves to him. She never wanted this to end.

Jaune, on the other hand, was a bit more inclined to take a break. It wasn't that he didn't enjoy her kissing him; heck, he had been dreaming of kissing a girl like this his whole life! Tasting her, feeling her… It was amazing. Unlike anything he could have ever imagined!

But when he felt Pyrrha pushing him into the railing behind him, he had to start tapping out before she pushed both of them over the edge.

" _I-I'm sorry!"_ Pyrrha panted, blushing as she helped Jaune balance on his feet, "I got… I got a bit carried away…"

"It's cool, Pyrrha," Jaune replied, breathing heavily as well, "I didn't fall, so that's another plus to this."

Pyrrha giggled, closing the distance between them again as she placed her hands around his neck. "Shall we continue then?"

"Just a minute…" Jaune said, holding up one finger towards the roof, "Okay Nora! You can speak-

" _OHMYGODTHEYDIDIT!"_

Leaping down from above, Nora landed on her feet and pulled the couple into the strongest Nora-hug of all time. Jaune and Pyrrha could feel their spines cracking under her grip, but thankfully Ren jumped down afterwards to free them.

"You guys were up there the whole time?" Pyrrha asked in disbelief.

"Who do you think was working the snow?" Ren jerked a thumb up above towards a row of snow cone makers, with bags of ice piled around them, "We couldn't just sit around while you and Jaune finally did, well, what you just did. We're a team, after all."

"What happened to the mistletoe?" Jaune asked, "I was waiting for one of you to lower it before Pyrrha did her thing."

"Actually, I'm not sure where it went I had it earlier when we were decorating, but it vanished into thin air."

"So should we leave you two lovebirds alone for a while?" Nora winked, nudging Ren with her elbow, "You gonna go start this new relationship off with a little bit of _squeaky-squeaky_ back in your room?"

" _Nora!"_

"What? That's what you're supposed to do, right?"

"I think that can wait for just some time," Pyrrha blushed, tightening her hold on Jaune's hand, "For now, let's go back downstairs and enjoy Ren's dinner before it goes away."

"I call breaking the news to everyone!"

"You do that, Nora," Ren sighed, following behind her slowly, "I'm just happy to have helped out some friends."

"Now it's you and Nora's turn," Jaune smirked, to which Ren laughed heartily.

"One step at a time, Jaune. One step at a time…"

* * *

It was about midnight when Adam exited the shower. It was the first shower he had taken in weeks, and he had forgotten just how difficult it was to take one with his mask on. Maybe he should stop doing that.

Nah. It would remove the air of intimidation he held so highly.

Plus it made him look pretty badass.

Just as he prepared to enter his room and present Blake with his shirtless, ripped body (and probably get kicked out again by Yang), Cinder stepped out of her room to take her turn in the bathroom. Wondering why it was always the crazy ones she had to learn to be civil with first, Cinder forced a smile. "Hello… Adam. Merry Christmas."

"Ms. Fall," Adam nodded, "I would say a happy holiday to you right back, but I don't believe in such nonsense."

"…Right. I just wanted to tell you that there's a present waiting for you downstairs."

"A present, you say?" Adam asked, intrigued, "Is it from Blake?"

"I don't know," Cinder lied, knowing exactly who it was from and what it was, "Go find out for yourself."

His curiosity getting the better of him, Adam walked downstairs into the lounge, grabbing a cup of milk and a cookie placed conveniently on the coffee table. Taking a bite out of the cookie, he heard a rustling behind him, and turned to see a very, very large pink gift box sitting under the tree. Noticing the insane amount of glitter around and on the box, plus the wafting smell of baby oil in the air, Adam realized just who this present was from all too late.

" _MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOSS!"_ the Lieutenant exclaimed fabulously as he burst out of the glittery box, wearing only a Santa trim vest and jingle bell thong. The sight of his subordinate's well-oiled body and jazz hands sparked enough internal rage and life scarring inside Adam to spontaneously set off the shock collar around his neck.

And thus ended the one and only holiday Adam would ever take part in again.

Happy Christmas in July to all, and to all a good night.

Except Mercury, because he's a douche.


	49. Gamer Fever

_**Day 17/30**_

* * *

"And I win again!"

Yang pumped her fist in the air as she celebrated her latest victory over Ruby in _Final Combat GO! VII_ , grinning as her avatar ripped out the spine of her sister's. Ruby drooped her head low as Penny patted her back in comfort while Yang copied her avatar's mocking laughter on screen. The digital taunting was only made worse by being projected onto the large movie screen, his cackling emitting from the surround sound speakers mounted on the walls.

"Do not worry, Ruby!" Penny encouraged, "Perhaps next time you will be victorious!"

"I dunno about that, Penny," Yang said brashly, folding her arms, "I've been undefeated at this game ever since we started playing years ago! Ruby may have gotten the upper hand on me with pranks, but she'll never take my spot on the throne here."

"You are really good at this game! Could you perhaps show me how to play?"

Yang laughed heartily, feeling like she was queen of the video game world. "Well, I just don't teach anyone my skills. Ruby was my first pupil, but she could never reach my level of mastery."

"You never taught me how to combo until a few weeks ago!" Ruby whined, puffing out her cheeks.

"I like to push my students into the deep end and let them go from there."

"Sensational! I always wanted to learn how to swim!"

"Why hello there, children," a new voice called from behind. Roman strut down the aisle way towards the girls, Neo trailing close behind. "You hiding out down here playing games while everyone's workin' their asses off upstairs taking the decorations down?"

"Speak for yourself," Yang said, "You don't seem to be helping them very much."

Neo's snort told Roman he was had. "Whatever. I just don't get what you all see in these games. You don't gain anything from them. Hell, Neo spends my money on them and never gets anything out of it."

"You're a gamer Neo?" Ruby asked, "What do you play?"

Knowing she wouldn't answer for herself, Roman did it for her. "Whatever she can get her hands on, really. It's this stupid game on her phone right now, but she's got tons stashed away at our main hideout."

"Where's your hideout?"

"Nice try, Red."

"Aw, dang."

"Still, I must say I am impressed by how much of a natural she is at it," Roman said proudly, patting the little woman on the head (much to her disdain), "No matter what she plays, she wins."

Yang saw that declaration as an open challenge. "You don't say? Then I bet she wouldn't be afraid to take me one-on-one right here, right now?"

"Hmm, someone's feeling cocky today," Roman chuckled, "But Neo won't back away from such an easy victory, now would she?"

Rolling her eyes, Neo slipped her phone into her shirt and stretched out her fingers. Scooting in between Ruby and Yang, she took the former's controller and immediately selected her character. Yang scoffed at her choice, sensing her win already.

"You're choosing Saya?" Yang questioned, "A lightweight fighter like her won't stand a chance against my boy Bruticus the Brawler! I'll let you pick the arena, since you already have a handicap."

"Yang, your ego is leaking again…" Ruby muttered as Neo chose the Volcanic Despot stage. This only made Yang even more confident, as it was her personal favorite.

"Three lives each, Neo," Yang smiled, cracking her neck as the arena loaded, "I hope you're ready to get swept up and dumped right in the-

" _RING OUT!"_

"…Huh?" The blonde's jaw dropped as her character was knocked into a pit of lava. Neo smiled smugly at her, giving her a little wink to rub salt in the wound. Yang looked at a shocked Ruby and shook her head. "That… That was a fluke. I wasn't ready, that's all."

"Shouldn't a pro always be ready?" Roman chimed in.

" _Be quiet you!"_ Yang locked eyes with Neo. "Now it's _on."_

As the words _"FIGHT!"_ appeared on screen, Yang and Neo duked it out, their fingers blazing over the controllers. Penny watched carefully as Yang performed difficult combos, only for Neo to swiftly dodge her avatar's slower, more sluggish swings and retaliate with her own strikes. Soon enough, Yang's health bar dipped into the red and vanished as Neo's character kicked hers off the stage again.

"Neo wins again!" Penny shouted, much to Yang's annoyance.

"I've only ever seen Qrow beat her before!" Ruby followed, "But it wasn't this game! No one's _ever_ beaten her at this one!"

"It's not over yet!" Yang growled, attacking Neo as the third round began. Her opponent read her sneak attack and dodged easily, letting Yang's character almost run off stage. When Yang went to reverse her direction, she was too slow to stop Neo from utilizing Saya's blitz combo and kick him right back into the lava, securing her victory.

"I don't believe it…!" Yang gasped, the controller falling from her hands as Roman applauded his partner.

"You… _You beat her!"_ Ruby shouted, bowing down to Neo, "Teach me your secrets, oh wise mute one!"

" _Ruby!_ You're supposed to be on _my side!"_

"Sorry sis, but she won fair and square."

This loss was not going to sit with Yang. She had been humiliated by Neo on the train during their first encounter, but she would be damned if she let short-stuff best her at video games! She pointed an angry finger at Neo, standing over the criminal. "You think you're _soooo_ good at this, huh? Then I challenge you to a game-off! Whoever wins the next two out of three games gets bragging rights!"

"And the loser?" Roman questioned.

"The loser has to kiss someone else on the mouth of the other's choosing!"

"Oh! How lewd!" Penny covered her mouth; she would have blushed if she could. Ruby could only face palm; this wouldn't end well.

"Hmm… I like that!" Roman applauded, looking to his partner, "Sound good to you?"

Neo shrugged in agreement; even if she lost, she'd get a slight increase in fan donations if she was forced to kiss another girl. It was a win-win in any situation. Still, she didn't plan on losing to the overconfident bimbo anytime soon.

"Then let's do this!" Yang said, pounding her fists together, "The Queen of Games is gonna school you! So don't try and beat me, because that'd just be _ir-regal!"_

Silence.

"Get it? I replaced-

"Yes, we get it Yang."

* * *

If there was ever a competition fierce enough to rival Nora's _Super-Ultimate-Crazy-Fun-Dodgeball-Weekend-Extravaganza_ , it was this one (though much less physical). The two gamers jumped right into first-person shooters, with Neo demonstrating her uncanny talent of no-scoping Yang at every opportunity. Out of a total of 10 rounds, Neo won with a lead of 6-4; she would probably have won two more if she hadn't gone a little easy on her seething opponent.

After Yang through her controller against the wall and shattered it, Ruby suggested they move onto handheld games to prevent the urge of tossing things around the house. The game of choice then was _Chinpocketmon,_ a classic that Yang and Ruby had been playing for years together. For once, Yang had the advantage here; Neo was not well versed in the competitive aspect of the game as she was, and the blonde trumped her with her superior skills. Needless to say, Yang was ecstatic to have evened the score to 1-1 with that; her little victory dance only emphasized her glee more.

With that, Ruby suggested that the competitors end the contest with a bang (or a Yang, as a certain someone liked to call it). Running up to her room, Ruby pulled out a relic from a long-gone age, a fossil of gaming history, the favorite pastime of any mall rat…

"Ruby, why do you still have this?" Yang groaned as her sister opened up the colorful mat, Neo cringing at the sight of it, "Everyone stopped playing _Dance Dance Rebellion_ like 10 years ago."

"I thought we might have fun with it here, so I packed it just in case," Ruby said, "Looks like my women's invocation wasn't wrong!"

"Doesn't she mean intuition?" Roman questioned. Yang just shook her head.

"Don't correct her. She'll forget about it in an hour or so."

Unlike the others, Penny was absolutely enthralled by this new game "Ruby, how does one play this game? It looks stupendous!"

"See these arrows?" Ruby said, "You have to step on them when they show up on screen. Whoever hits the arrows right more and gets the higher score wins."

"Oh! I would very much like to try!"

"Wait your turn, Eager McBeaver," Yang said, moving Penny out of the way as tied her hair up. She slipped off her brown jacket and placed it over Ruby's head, "I might be a bit rusty at this, but I'm gonna burn up the dance floor! Not literally, for once."

Using her foot to select her favorite tune, Yang kicked her legs in preparation for the onslaught of arrows coming her way. It had been a very long time since she had even played this, but this particular track was one she had mastered when she was younger.

"Hit it!"

The sound of a bass drop started off the dance, just as Yang had remembered. Moving her feet and swaying her hips, she hit all the arrows of the opening verse to the chorus, where she decided to show off and turn her back to the screen. She stuck her tongue out at an unimpressed Neo as Ruby applauded.

" _Yeah! Shake it sis!"_

Spinning back around, Yang knowingly bent down to whack Neo in the face with her hair, doing whatever she could to throw the little woman off. By the song's end, Yang hadn't even broken a sweat. She stepped off the mat, presenting it to her opponent.

"Wow," Torchwick chided, "For someone who hates this game you're pretty good at it."

"The Queen of Games has to master all forms, even outdated ones like this," Yang replied as Neo took off her boots and jacket, throwing it on the human coatrack known as Ruby, "Try and beat a score of 500, short stuff!"

Unknown to Yang, Neo had a very convenient past career before meeting up with Roman. As her song began, Neo breathed in and kept her body straight, performing the slightest curtsy before her feet fluttered over the mat. The grace and lightness of her movements astounded Yang, Ruby, and Penny, but Roman just sat back and enjoyed the woman as she revisited one of the few hobbies she truly loved. He rarely saw Neo move like this outside of fighting; she always implemented her limberness into combat, moving around like this to avoid harm. But now, she moved not for the sake of survival, but out of enjoyment.

It was in these little moments, these slight observations of her that Roman remembered money and schemes had no meaning if she wasn't by his side.

"And… curtain," Roman applauded a bowing Neo as her song ended.

" _A tie?!"_ Yang shouted as she saw Neo's own 500 score, "You gotta be kidding me! How do we figure out the winner now?"

"I'm all out of games too," Ruby said, handing the dancers back their jackets, "Should we flip a coin?"

"Well, we do have a Penny right here."

"I'd very much prefer not to be flipped, please."

Ruby was having enough puns for one day. "Wow. You're on a roll today, aren't you sis?"

"Call 'em as I see 'em, angry or not."

"Relax, girls," Roman interjected, pulling a coin from his coat, "I'm here to save the day again, it seems."

"You've never saved the day. You've always just made it worse. Also, I call heads."

"…Good point."

Shrugging in defeat, Roman threw the coin up. All five of them watched it descend to the carpet, bouncing a few times before determining the winner of the game-off and who would receive the punishment…

* * *

Lying out on the front lawn under a tree, Blake yawned as she shut her novel and set it aside. With Adam in her room, she had gone outdoors to find a quiet place to read but encountered a much better distraction than her ex.

"I guess climbing trees is in your genetic code," Blake asked Sun, hanging by his tail from a branch above her, "Every time I'm outside, you're always in one."

"I dunno about that," the monkey said, "I just find it fun, that's all."

"You dork."

"Hey, look who's talking Miss _'All I Do Is Read All Day'!"_

"What I do is different than- Oh, hey, Yang. What're you doing out here?"

"Last time. I promise."

"What do you mean by-

Before Blake could react, Yang bent down and pressed her lips to Blake's for a solid five seconds. Flailing her arms in surprise, Blake took a big breath when Yang finally let go and walked off without another word. The two Faunus exchanged a look of pure confusion over what just happened.

"Sun, I blame you for making Yang think she's a lesbian."

"Hey, maybe she always was one from the start?"

"…"

"That look is telling me to shut up, so I'm just going to do that now."


	50. The Gang Gets Spotless

_**In honor of hitting 50 chapters, I made a new cover image with the original 16 housemates!**_

 _ **Its not a big deal or anything, just figured I'd put something here since its kind of an important chapter number.**_

 _ **Carry on.**_

* * *

Weiss was surprised when someone had come and knocked on the house's front door just as they were finishing storing away Nora's X-mas decorations, but was even more shocked when she heard the news that person had come to deliver:

"An inspection?" the heiress asked Qrow, who nodded in confirmation, "What do you mean by that?"

"What else could I mean?" Qrow said as he leaned up against the doorway. Ren and Emerald stood behind Weiss to get their ears in on the breaking news as well. "Good old Glynda Goodwitch sent Oz an email and this morning, basically castrating him for _'tainting'_ General Ironwood and _'forcing'_ him to participate by sending Penny. She wants to check out the house tomorrow and see if it's safe for her students and all that. Glynda doesn't trust Ozpin, and I don't blame her honestly. If this place ain't a perfect 10 on her scoring chart, she's gonna probably beat the shit outta me and Oz for makin' you all suffer, and if Oz ain't around to monitor his half then well... _She_ wins."

"Who's she?" Ren asked, curious about Qrow's use of pronouns.

"You don't wanna know, kid. Anyways, I recommend you all get this place as clean as you can possibly make it, and hide anything you wouldn't want a bitchy teacher to see. Booze, drugs, porn, you know the rest. She's bringing someone to document her findings as evidence if she sees fit to press charges."

"Can she just come and arrest Mercury then?" Emerald shrugged, "He's been a bigger douche than usual lately."

"If she gets him in jail, then she's gonna get you, Cinder, my source of booze, and all you other former degenerates thrown in as well. Which means no cash money for you-

"On second thought cleaning sounds good."

Qrow told Weiss to say hello to his nieces and slipped out the door to return to the van. Stepping back into the lounge, Weiss put two fingers in her mouth and let out a sharp whistle to catch everyone's attention in the building. _"House meeting in the lounge! Now!"_

"Some people are trying to relax here," Mercury droned, his eyes half open as he flipped through his dirty magazine on the couch. Weiss threw a strand of leftover garland at him to express her opinion on his feelings as all the housemates filed into the room.

" _Listen!_ This is very important! And put that filth away!"

With a semi-circle of housemates formed before her, Weiss cleared her throat so he could give orders in a loud, clear tone. "Alright, everyone! We need to get this house into tip-top shape by tomorrow! Glynda is coming to inspect every inch of the house, and if she finds one thing she doesn't like then its game over for us! I'm going to need you all to split up into teams of two or three and begin cleaning a portion of the house."

"Ooh! Ooh!" Ruby shouted, Weiss groaning at her frantic hand waving.

"Yes, Ruby?"

"I call dibs on being your partner!"

" _Sigh…_ You don't need to call dibs on your partner-

" _I call dibs on Ren!"_ Nora followed, pulling Ren by his arms and into her death grip. Someone else soon caught on to what was going on.

"Then I shall call the so-called 'dibs' on Blake-

"Shut up, Adam," Blake snapped, quickly shooting his chances down.

It hadn't taken very long for Weiss's patience meter to blow its top. "Nobody needs to call dibs on anyone! It doesn't matter who you work with as long as you get this place clean!"

"…Can I still be your partner?"

"Yes, Ruby. I will be your partner if it makes you happy."

As Ruby squeed to herself, Cinder folded her arms in annoyance. If there was one thing that wasn't going to change, it was her opinion of Schnee. "So, Miss _'I'm In Charge'_ , can we just get started now? I'd rather not take orders anymore."

Weiss glared at her nemesis and nodded. "Then get to it, Miss _'I'm Too Good For This'_."

"You know," Penny said to Yang as everyone dispersed to begin their chores, "I do not think those two like each other very much."

"Well, you could say they have a _heated_ relationship. Heck, maybe even an _icy_ one at that!"

"Oh, clever! However, did you know that studies show that puns are the least appreciated form of jest, according to-

"You could have just not laughed and walked away, you know."

* * *

Having decided to take the dirtiest job of all, Pyrrha and Jaune did their best to fit both their supplies and themselves into the bathroom. While the two weren't inclined to feel so awkward with each other anymore, the small work space was still troubling to them.

"Scoot over a bit," Jaune said, sliding behind Pyrrha with a taped up plunger in his hand. The girl raised an eyebrow at his choice of cleaning tool, but smiled at his unawareness.

"Jaune, I don't think the toilet is… clogged…" Though she was supposed to be cleaning the shower, Pyrrha's eyes trailed down to Jaune's behind as he shifted around on the floor. She wasn't one to stare or ogle anyone, but she'd be damned to not acknowledge the surprisingly high quality of her noodle's assets.

"You can never be too sure," he winked, suctioning the plunger to the wall as he knelt down to lift the lid, "I know a guy back home who found a rabirat living inside his toilet. If he didn't have a plunger on him he would've been toast. I always make sure I have one with me whenever I… Pyrrha? Are you, uh, are you okay?"

Nikos snapped from her trance, turning her beat red face back into the shower. "Yes! Yes, I'm okay. Just got… _distracted,_ that's all."

Something about being together-together with Pyrrha now awakened a sense of awareness in Jaune he hadn't discovered before. He could tell she had been staring at him, and it inflated that slight ego he let loose sometimes. He grinned as he wiggled his butt at Pyrrha. "See something you like?"

"Maybe I do…" Pyrrha smiled seductively, Jaune's face reddening this time. Noticing the shower head above her, she decided to have a little fun with him; it might make their job a bit more difficult but it was going to be worth it. Aiming the head at Jaune, the boy couldn't dodge the sudden burst of water Pyrrha let loose on him.

" _Gah! Wet, wet! Stop it!"_

"Just cooling you down a bit, that's all!" she laughed, hitting him with a mouthful of water. Pyrrha was unaware of the puddle forming at her feet, and felt herself slip when she stepped out of the shower to soak Jaune from a different angle. _"AH!"_

" _Pyrrha!"_ Throwing his arm out, Jaune hooked it around Pyrrha's waist just before her head hit the edge of the sink, saving her from a very bad headache or worse. Breathing heavily, Pyrrha lifted herself onto her knees and closer to Jaune, pecking him with a kiss on the lips as thanks. Jaune stumbled on his words for a moment after that; it was going to take him some time to get used to her frequent displays of affection. "Not hurt, are you?"

"Safe and sound, thanks to you. And yourself?"

"Fine, fine… But I think my arm's stuck."

"What do you mean?" Pyrrha asked before she saw that half of Jaune's body was below the toilet seat, "Oh my… I'll go get some help."

"Anyone but Nora. I still want my arm attached to my body after this."

* * *

The moment Ruby found a Roomba stored away in a closet, she immediately forgot about cleaning with Weiss and strapped Zwei to it (with a helmet for safety, of course). Following the Corgi as he went on a small journey through the lower level of the house, she came across Adam changing trash bags. The Faunus caught sight of her before she could flee, making Ruby flinch when he called out to her. "Ruby Rose! Come here for a moment."

Not sure what to expect, Ruby approached cautiously after pushing Zwei and his Roomba in the opposite direction. "…What's up, Adam?"

"I have a question regarding the newest arrival here."

"Oh, you mean Penny? What about her?"

"I am confused as to why she is so friendly to me," Adam stroked his chin in thought, "She is human, yet does not show any signs of fear or disdain towards me. Why is that?"

"Um…" Ruby scratched her head, thinking of a way to explain things to Adam without revealing Penny's robotic secret, "Penny's just really friendly, that's all. It's kind of hard for her to see bad things in people."

"Bad things? What is bad about me?"

"…Not sure if you're serious right now, or just confused."

"I'm a _passionate man,_ Ruby. I'm a revolutionary that uses fear as a tool. Mastery of fear is not a negative quality of mine; in fact it is my strongest! A man with power is-

"Not much, really."

Adam's eyes widened from behind his mask. "What did you just say?"

"I don't really think you'll take this to heart," Ruby said, getting as super serious as possible, "But just the other day I watched someone who was dying for the same power you say you have break down because they had nothing else other than that goal. And you know what? They realized just what really matters. It's not being strong, or owning your partner, or anything like that… It's being happy with those close to you and appreciating what others do for you."

"Appreciate? I don't understand. Who should I show that for?" Adam tightened his fists when Ruby started snickering at his ignorance. "What's so funny, girl? Tell me now!"

"You'll figure it out," Ruby winked as she went to go find where Zwei had gone next, "Both of you are pretty alike, now that I think about it. Blake mentioned once that you weren't always the way you are now. I'm kind of curious of what you were like before, and I bet everyone else is too. If you're as strong as you think you are, then I bet you could show us what you're like behind that mask."

Left standing alone with his trash, Adam stared at his reflection in the window. Ruby's words had intrigued him, nearly as much as Penny did. Contrarily, a human had given him advice! He needed no advice from a filthy human, not even…!

Not even if it made just a small amount of sense…

* * *

It made Weiss happy to see everyone had been so diligent in their cleaning as she made her final round around the house to make sure they had all completed their tasks. All the pine needles and decorations were gone from the lounge thanks to Yang and Penny, Neo and Roman had finished the dishes, the Lieutenant had done a fine job in mowing the front lawn (though she wished he hadn't trimmed the bushes into suspiciously phallic shapes), and even Mercury had shoved his filth far beneath his bed!

And now, with the sun setting on the horizon outside, it was Weiss's turn to get started. With Blake having helped Sun clean the windows, Ruby bailing out on her for Zwei, and Ren having scrubbed the kitchen floor with Nora, no one had been assigned to clean her own room. She would ask Cinder, but Weiss would rather pet a Nevermore than talk to her. Therefore, she'd take on the duty herself.

Wheeling a vacuum cleaner behind her, Weiss struggled to carry her assortment of cleaning supplies down the hall to her room. She noticed that the upstairs was surprisingly quiet, minus the sound of speakers playing from one of the rooms. She then saw the clock, seeing that it was dinnertime. There was only one place everyone could be right now, and it wasn't here.

Weiss couldn't help but sing to herself the song playing from one of the rooms; it was a favorite of hers, and she knew every word. As she approached her room, she realized that the music was coming from behind its closed door; she was even more shocked to find that she was not the only person singing right now.

Someone was singing in her room, and they sounded wonderful.

Lowering her own voice, Weiss leaned up against the wall and listened to the mystery singer intently. Their voice wasn't as polished as her own, and a bit softer in comparison, but with a bit of training they could rival her own vocals. Perhaps she could give them some impromptu lessons…

"Well look who's a closet sing-

The last person Weiss had expected to see after opening the door was Cinder. Fire and ice met eyes silently as the music continued to play. Cinder reached to shut the speakers off before she would show Weiss back the way she came, but didn't expect Schnee to hold up her hand to stop her.

"Don't turn that off," Weiss urged, pulling the door closed behind her, "How long have you been practicing?"

"Why do you care?" Cinder snapped back, "We're not exactly friends, you know."

"You're right. We aren't. But I'm not just going to stand around and keep someone with talent from letting others see."

"Don't talk that way. I'm not that good. I can't even hold out long notes."

"That's because you're standing wrong."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Look," Weiss demonstrated, straightening her body and back, "You can't sing hunched over on your bed like you were. Let the air flow in through your nose, fil your lungs, and then… _Let it out ~."_

Though she was impressed by Weiss's vocal demonstration, Cinder wasn't going to show it outright. She folded her arms in a huff, turning her back to her. "If I wanted singing lessons, I would have asked. I don't need you pitying my terrible voice."

"You're not terrible! Not at all!" Weiss assured her. It was then she felt a feeling she had felt a long time ago, when she had first met Ruby back at Beacon. She had misjudged that dolt of a girl at first, treating her poorly and as if she was something below her. It hadn't taken Weiss long to notice that Ruby was not all she seemed to be. In fact, she really did turn out to be her best friend.

Looking at Cinder, Weiss realized she had made the same mistake again.

"I know…" Weiss started, holding her hands behind her back, "We didn't start off on the best of terms. I have a tendency to misjudge and make enemies quickly. And lately, you've seemed… different. A bit more open. And I think now might be a good time for us to start over."

Cinder hadn't expected this at all. Why would a Schnee act in this way? They were cold, stuck up rich people who thought only of themselves. Unless…

Of course. How could she have not realized it yet?

"…Do you know what I didn't like about you when we first met?"

"… _What?"_ Weiss's eyes widened at Cinder's bold declaration.

"You reminded me of _them._ My step-sisters. They acted so nice on the outside to others, and treated people below them – as in me – like garbage. They thought they were so high and mighty, angels on Earth, when they were just hags in rich fabric. They worshiped the Schnee name. They _aspired_ to be like your kind. But you know what?"

Cinder turned back to Weiss, a small smile in the corner of her mouth.

"Someone like Ruby Rose wouldn't choose someone as terrible as that to be her friend. That girl has an uncanny ability to make people change completely. I know that first hand, and I think you might as well. You should really be glad to have her, you know. There aren't enough people like her out there anymore. "

An invisible pressure was lifted from Weis's shoulders as the possibility of Cinder tearing into her vanished. Cinder paused the music and set the song back to the beginning before she continued speaking.

"So, if you really want to try and start things over, then I suggest you skip dinner and show me just what my weak points are, _'Your Highness'_."

Scoffing at Cinder's teasing haughtiness, Weiss let a comforting smile come over her immediately afterwards. "Okay… But I still get to use the shower before you do from now on."

"Yeah, we'll see about that one."


	51. Extracurricular Inspection

_**Day 18/30**_

* * *

"Oh, wow!" Velvet Scarlatina gawked as Glynda's vehicle pulled into the penthouse's driveway, "This place looks much bigger in person than it does on TV!"

"Ozpin has a tendency to build things large in compensation for… other things," groaned Glynda as she parked her car, "Now remember Miss Scarlatina, we are not here to sight see. I brought you hear to document anything that may be deemed as an unsafe living condition. You still have your camera with you, correct?"

"Yup!" Velvet smiled, pulling out a small pink digital camera, "Though it feels weird not using my usual one."

"Hopefully you won't have to take any snapshots of _weapons_ today," Glynda opened Velvet's door for her and locked the vehicle. The two inspectors walked up to the front door, Glynda taking notice of the recently trimmed topiary. "Does this hedge look slightly _phallic_ to you?"

"I never knew your mind was that dirty, Miss Glynda!" Velvet giggled, ringing the doorbell. After a few moments and a second ring, the ladies were starting to wonder if anyone was alive inside. "Hm… Maybe they're still asleep?"

"I told Ozpin to inform them I'd be here at noon sharp. I figured my students would be more astute than this. I'll have to discipline them once they return to Beacon, perhaps start class at 5 AM to get the message across."

"That sounds a little harsh don't you think?"

Before Glynda could respond, the front door opened up to greet the ladies to the sight of a 5-star man. A shirtless Mercury gave them his best charming smile as he made sure his abs were in perfect sight.

"Why, hello there ladies," Merc crooned, his eyes glued to Glynda's chest, "I just wanted to apologize for not answering the door at first. Just had to finish up my morning workout, that's all. My muscles are still pulsing from all those one-handed pushups, if you couldn't tell."

"Oh my…" Velvet's face went red as she pulled at her rabbit ears nervously, trying not to look at his surprisingly toned chest. Glynda, however, was less than impressed by this boy's immense ego.

"Could I speak to someone who isn't going to stare at my breasts and try to seduce my assistant?" Goodwitch demanded, her glare sending a shiver up Merc's spine. Suddenly, the tool was pushed out of the way by Weiss, kicking him down when he tried to peek out the door again. Ruby was close behind her, acting as formal as she possibly could.

"Welcome to our humble home!" Ruby announced, giving the teacher a small curtsy, "Weiss and I will be your tour guides for the day… Oh, hey Velvet!"

"Hello, Ruby!"

"I'm terribly sorry about Mercury," Schnee apologized, stepping aside to let the two into the home, "He can be a pest sometimes."

"I can see that," Glynda answered as she surveyed the lounge, handing Velvet a scroll, "Velvet. Inspect around the room, please. Look for anything written on this list."

"Yes, Miss Glynda!"

As the rabbit scurried off to start documenting, Weiss nervously approached Glynda's side. "As you can probably tell, we did a bit of cleaning yesterday for your arrival."

"I know. Velvet has been giving me daily reports of your activity on the live feed since Ironwood visited. She informed me that you recently had a new arrival here as well."

"Oh, you mean Penny!" Ruby said, "She's my other best friend! Me, her and Weiss are like the Three Musketeers-ettes!"

"I see…" Glynda watched as Velvet stuck her head under the couch, looking for any hidden alcohol. She yelped in pain before pulling out with Zwei biting on one of her ears.

" _Zwei, no!"_ Ruby rushed over to help Velvet, doing her best to tug Zwei away from his new favorite chew toy.

"I assumed the dog was well trained," Glynda commented as Scarlatina rubbed her now free ear, "But this says otherwise."

Weiss laughed nervously in return. "Zwei is a good dog most of the time. He just likes to greet new people in certain ways, that's all. He bites Jaune all the time too."

"Can we move on, please?" Velvet begged, glancing over her shoulder nervously at Zwei in Ruby's arms, "I didn't find anything, and I don't really get along with dogs very well…"

Glynda sighed, pinching her brow. "If we must. Miss Schnee, could you please have your friend keep her dog away from us while we continue the inspection? I'd rather not have another incident like this occur."

"Yes, of course," Weiss obliged, "I'll take you to the dining room next. We left some food out for you, in case you were hungry after your trip here." Weiss glared at Ruby as the two visitors made their way upstairs. Ruby shrugged in confusion.

"What did I do?!"

"Just stay here, Ruby. I can handle this on my own."

"Oh, fine!" Ruby huffed, giving Zwei a scolding look, "No dessert for you tonight, got it?"

Zwei let out a small whine, the kind his owner just couldn't resist.

"Okay then… I've give you two cookies tonight instead of just one. Only just because you're so darned cute!"

A Corgi's skill of manipulation through cuteness knows no bounds.

* * *

"So this is my room…" Weiss said as she showed Glynda and Velvet in, the two holding pastries left out for them by Ren. To her surprise, Penny and Ren were inside, playing a fierce round of _Dance Dance Rebellion_ as Cinder, Emerald and Nora looked on. "What's going on in here?"

"Penny decided to throw a dance party," Emerald replied with a groan from her bed above, Cinder sitting beside her, "I tried to stop her, since Cinder and I were just getting ready to watch a movie on my laptop. It's hard to hear dialogue with their music blaring."

"I really wish Ruby hadn't introduced this game to her," Cinder added, "It's the only things she's been doing since. I'm pretty sure she's obsessed."

"I have already beaten the high score set by Yang and Neo!" Penny exclaimed as the round ended, "And I believe I have just beaten Ren as well! I thank you for the great match!"

Ren fell to his knees, out of breath. "In all of my years I have never met such a worthy opponent… I admit defeat to you."

" _GAH!"_ Nora burst out in rage, grabbing Ren by the arm and dragging him back to her room, _"I'm_ the only redhead Ren can submit too! This isn't over, Penny Polendina! _Not by a long shot!"_

"And a wonderful day to you as well!" Penny waved goodbye, oblivious to Nora's jealously. She quickly took notice of the two strangers with Weiss. " _Sal-u-tations_ new friends! My name is Penny Polendina! What is yours?"

"I'm Velvet!" Scarlatina smiled sweetly, finding the girl's overwhelming positivity absolutely adorable, "It's nice to meet you!"

"And I am Miss Goodwitch," Glynda followed, keeping formality as she scanned the room. Cinder caught her eye especially, given what she had heard about her recent behavior change. "Comfortable up there with your subordinate, Miss Fall?"

"Subordinate?" Cinder smirked, looking at Emerald out of the corner of her eye, "I don't know what you're talking about. I only see a friend beside me."

"Is that so?" Glynda responded as Emerald covered her face to hide her blushing, "Let's hope things stay that way once this ridiculous game is over. Come, Velvet. This room is up to standards."

Mouthing 'thank you' to Cinder, Weiss's eyes soon widened in horror as she heard Glynda and Velvet shriek from across the hall. She also let out a yelp when she saw just what the two visitors had walked in on.

" _Wh-what in blazes?!"_ Glynda stuttered, having a rare loss of composure.

"Uh…" the Lieutenant stared at the three females, trying to think of a way to explain what he was doing, "This is just a, um, a social experiment?"

" _Why are you wearing Blake's outfit?!"_ Weiss's voice cracked as Blake's top tore open to reveal the big guy's chest, complete with Yang's bra on underneath (Blake's wouldn't fit). Just as that happened, Adam walked up behind the three women and immediately U-turned out of there.

"Nope, nope, nope…" Taurus muttered to himself, the image of his right hand man wearing Blake's bow burned into his mind, "Not dealing with that shit today… "

* * *

Deciding it would be best to just skip the rest of the resident's rooms, Glynda asked Weiss to take her downstairs to the movie room. The teacher had been aware of the many shenanigans that had occurred down there, and felt it was the area least likely to not meet her standards.

"Why hello there!" Torchwick greeted Goodwitch, from against the wall "The ticket price for the show is-

"What is going on here?" Glynda demanded as she spotted the numerous darts around Roman's head. Velvet took a snapshot as another dart hit the spot just above the crook's hat, courtesy of Neo.

"Oh, this is just a pastime of ours," Roman said, "Neo really finds it relaxing to throw darts around me. And with her phone dead and no charger to be found, she figured this would be the next best thing."

Weiss was tapping her foot in anger, hands on her hips. "What did I tell you about doing ridiculous things like this today?!"

"Ridiculous? This is normal for us-

 _*THUNK!*_

"Whoa there, Neo. Little close to my ear that time."

"Normal for you two, but not normal for sane people!"

"I've seen enough here," Glynda commented, turning her back on the scene, "Time to go outside, Velvet."

"Coming, Miss Glynda!"

Stomping over to Torchwick as the inspectors left, Weiss dug her heel into his foot making sure he felt every ounce of pain. "If we fail this inspection because of you, then you're going to get it!"

"Ngh! Relax, princess. No one's getting hur-

 _*THNK!*_

" _OW! Goddammit Neo, you did that on purpose!"_


	52. Insanity is a Powerful Drug

_**Something's coming. You'll find out soon.**_

 ** _RvB fans might get it ;)_**

* * *

"That's great! You're doing great, Blake!" Sun cheered as his student ventured into the deeper end of the pool. It was only her second swimming lesson since the pool party some days ago, but Blake had decided to take the literal jump in the deep end and try venturing into the water on her own. Sure, she was wearing bright pink children's floaties and could only doggy paddle, but this was an obstacle she didn't want to run away from.

"This is…" Blake panted, reaching a part of the pool where her feet could touch the bottom, "This is much harder to do than I imagined it would be…"

"That's 'cause you're doing the doggy paddle," Sun laughed, swimming over to her, "If you don't want to lose all your breath, just try treading water like I am."

"I would if I knew how," Blake retorted, flicking water in his face. In retaliation, Sun grinned and grabbed her by her arms, pulling her out into the center of the pull. _"Wh-What are you doing?!"_

"Stop thrashing around," Sun said, lowering his voice and loosening his grip on her arms, "Just stay calm and kick your legs back and forth. Keep your feet pointed down the whole time."

"Okay…" Blake followed his advice, but started to panic when her chin went below the surface. Seeing the worried look on her face, Sun moved his hands up under her armpits to hold her up over the water. Blake turned her blushing face away from his once she began to level out, her movements underwater slowing under the security of his hold.

"There ya go!" Sun said, his hands floating away from her as she kept her position all by herself, "Knew you could do it. Want to try it without the floaties-"

"I don't think so."

"Yeah, saw that one coming."

On the other side of the pool, a different kind of lesson was being taught. Pyrrha had reminded Jaune that they had not had one of their routine training sessions in a long while. Though the threat of Grimm and battle was at its lowest right now, honing his skills even on off-time would never be a bad thing. With no actual weapons to practice with however, the two had to improvise.

"A pool noodle?" Jaune asked, inspecting his blue rod, "You really think this is a good enough substitute for Crocea Mors?"

"It is not just the shape of a weapon that matters," Pyrrha said, wielding her own pink noodle as she kicked off her shoes, "A Huntsman must have the skill to use any weapon if the moment calls for it. If you were to lose your own in the midst of combat, would you be able to use, say, my weapons if your life depended on it?"

"…But this is a _pool noodle_. How's this going to-

 _*BONK!*_

" _Ow!"_ Jaune grasped the back of his head as the beach ball that struck him rolled back to its owner. A snickering Yang picked the rubber sphere up, holding it under her arm. "Come on Yang! Go back to making your slip n' slide over there!"

"Just came to remind you to watch your back, _tough guy,"_ Yang snorted, slapping Jaune on the shoulder, "Never know when someone's gonna sneak up on ya like that. Better learn to use that little noodle of yours."

"What?" Jaune exclaimed, studying his pool toy, "My noodle is not small! Its average!"

"I dunno… Looks a little on the tiny side if you ask me."

"Don't worry Jaune," Pyrrha smiled at her favorite noodle, "Your noodle is just fine in my eyes. Length isn't everything you know."

"Wait, are we still talking about pool noodles, or something else?"

As the discussion began leaning towards the uncomfortable side, Glynda and Velvet walked onto the scene with Weiss close behind. The heiress stepped ahead of her, trying to regain control of the tour before anything could go wrong. "So, this is the pool. Our little slice of paradise, if you ask me. Just don't forget to wear sunscreen."

"Hm," Glynda ignored most of Weiss's elaboration, too busy inspecting the surroundings for any health and safety violations, "I did notice your slightly pinker complexion, Miss Schnee. I'd recommend taking your own advice from now on."

Leaving Weiss stuttering for an answer, Glynda turned to her students around the water. "I can see you're all enjoying yourselves today."

"Define enjoy…" Blake muttered, wiggling her soaked feline ears.

"You two are welcome to take a swim, if you'd like!" Pyrrha smiled.

"I'd love to!" Velvet exclaimed, setting her camera down so she could jump into the cool water. While she seemed more than happy to accept the offer, Glynda declined for both of them.

"Unfortunately, we aren't here to have fun. This is strictly business."

"Aw, but Miss Glynda…" Velvet's ears drooped in disappointment, "Its _sooo_ hot out today! It'd feel so good!"

"No need to be so sour, Goodwitch!" Sun said, pulling himself out of the pool, "Put a smile on your face for once and relax!"

Glynda's glare of authority told Sun he might have just crossed the line between student and teacher. "I'd be much more relaxed if my students were back studying at school and not fraternizing with the enemy."

"But isn't that the point of this?" Jaune asked, holding his noodle over his shoulder, "The whole point of this bet is to try and get rid of our enemies peacefully, right? I'd say it's actually working so far. Cinder, Torchwick, Lieutenant… _Whatshisname_ and the others aren't that bad people once they open up to you. Can't say the same about Adam or Merc though… Still with a bit more time, we can probably get them to improve too. Coming here to try and stop this wouldn't do much good, you know? That'd only be helping whoever Ozpin's going against in this bet. So I guess I'm saying the best thing you can do Glynda is… _Just stop worrying about us._ We're all fine here."

Glynda was impressed: she hadn't expected Jaune to be such the outspoken individual. If his time spent here helped him improve his overall intelligence, then perhaps she had been mistaken in seeing fault in Ozpin's unorthodox methods. He might be an aloof fool at times, but he hadn't become the Headmaster of Beacon without reason.

But she wasn't the only one impressed by Jaune's way with words. Nearly drooling at the mouth from Jaune's sudden moment of standing up for everyone and looking absolutely irresistible while doing so, Pyrrha couldn't contain herself anymore. She threw her pool noodle to the side and wrapped herself around Jaune, knocking him into the pool as she smooched him to hell and back.

"Well, that was unexpected," Yang said, watching as the two sank to the bottom of the pool. Her face shifted to that of another level of shock when Pyrrha's bikini floated to the top of the pool, having accidentally come undone when the two fell. _"Uh-oh."_

" _Oh dear!"_ Velvet blushed, covering her eyes from the lewdness below the surface.

"We're done for…" Weiss groaned, pinching her brow.

" _Cease contact with the boy, Miss Nikos!"_ If there was one thing Glynda wasn't going to tolerate, it was these levels of indecency. Stomping towards the water to pull the two out, the professor was oblivious to the soapy slip n' slide on the ground before her.

 _ **FYI:**_ High heels and slip n' slides don't mix.

"Glynda, watch out!" Sun called out, but by then it was too late.

The last thing Glynda felt before blacking out was a sharp pain in her ankle, and a high amount of regret for even stepping foot on the grounds of this house.

* * *

"Hey Oz… She's wakin' up."

"Ugh…" Clutching her head, the smell of male stank and empty beer bottles drifted into her nostrils. She gagged at the putrid scent, lurching upwards and coming face to face with her least favorite men on the planet.

"I'm glad to see you are awake," Ozpin smiled, coffee mug in his hand like always, "You've been out for quite some time now. We saw you fall on the cameras, and it was quite a nasty one at that."

"Where… Where am I?" Glynda asked, looking at the filth surrounding her. After a full observation, she then noticed the sharp pain in her ankle as well as the sticks and tape surrounding it _"What happened to my foot?! What have you two done to it?!"_

"To answer that last one," Qrow said, pointing his finger at her leg, _"You_ did that. Gotta hate them slip n' slides. Make you twist and turn all around when yer tryin' to take a step. The sticks and such are our way of an apology for yer mistake. Had to keep them bones stable in some way."

" _Why didn't you take me to a hospital?!"  
_ "Unfortunately, your vehicle has mysteriously been emptied of its gasoline," Ozpin followed, "We know not who is responsible, but I assure you we will find the culprits… Once this bet reaches its conclusion, that is."

"Why someone'd do that is beyond me," Qrow smirked, "Maybe they held a grudge against ya of some sort. Maybe one started because someone like _yourself_ sent a certain _General_ to try and arrest us for our actions… But that's just _crazy talk_ , ain't it Oz?"

"Mhm, quite crazy."

"… _You're kidnapping me!"_ Glynda accused the men, her eyes wide in anger and disbelief, "You two are going to keep me here because of _your_ wrong doings?! Who's going to run Beacon while I'm gone?!"

"We've already given Oobleck and Port a call. They were more than happy to take your place while you spend a little time off at a _beach resort."_

"But… But what about Miss Scarlatina?! Her team must be wondering-

"Miss Velvet will be accompanying you on this _beach vacation_ as your personal assistant," Ozpin stated, "Which means she will be taking up residence with some _locals_ until you return to Beacon. The rest of Team CFVY will surely understand."

" _No… no, no, no!"_ Glynda was ready to snap. This was preposterous! She refused to be held captive by these maniacs! And now they were going to keep Velvet here as well! Oh, once this was over she was going to give them the most severe punishment of their entire lives! "Enjoy this while you can, you two! I'm going to enjoy every moment of your misery once I can walk again!"

"Just think of it this way, Glynda," Qrow smirked, leaning in towards her ear, his surprisingly minty breath clogging her nose, "At least I won't be suffering alone anymore."

Glynda had no words for him. Instead, she lunged like a viper and bit him on the chin.

Was it a civilized display?

No.

Did it feel good?

 _Oh fuck the hell yes._

* * *

"What is your name?"

It had been a long while since Salem had worked in her laboratory. While she was more than capable of producing Grimm at any time, there were instances where a more refined development was required. And to create something as complex as her newest toy, she had to mix science into the darkest of arts.

Standing on the table before her was a small, translucent purple shape no taller than a glass of water, human-like in silhouette and emitting a fiery violet aura. The featureless homunculus gazed up at its creator, tilting his head at her demonic face.

"My name?" it asked, studying itself for a moment before coming to its own conclusion, "Should I have one?"

"No," Salem said, "You were made for one purpose: to infect. To spread like a plague. To take over one's essence and erase their personality to the point where you become them."

"I see," it responded as it formed fingers from where its hands should be, "Yes, yes… I can sense them now. The commands, the missions imprinted into my mind… It's all coming to me now."

"That is good," Salem smiled at her creation, "You are performing exceptionally well. Now, I want you to-

" _Shut up, you fool!_ I'm thinking here."

Salem was rarely caught off guard. But that… _that_ was the _LAST_ thing she was expecting to hear. _"…What did you just say?"_

"Don't make me repeat myself, ya filthy drag queen outta Hell," the foul mouthed purple essence snapped at her before returning to its contemplation, "Ah, yes… I feel them all! The rage! The anger! The urge to coat myself in the blood of swine and pillage villages in the name of pure, unadulterated carnage! _Mwah-ha-ha! Yes!_ I can taste their entrails already!"

While she did appreciate the ruthlessness of her new creation, Salem wasn't sure when she had implemented such a _colorful_ personality into this virus class Grimm. "May I ask how you've learned this foul vocabulary?"

"Silence! You may be the equivalent of God to me, but I am to become the eventual ruler of this pitiful world! Mhm, yes… Once I sabotage the unknowing residents of this so-called penthouse burned into my very evil mind, I will become a warlord with no equal! _Mwah-ha-ha!"_

"Remember your place in this world," Salem snarled, having already grown tired of her creation, "I can erase you in a moment's notice if I so choose."

"Ah, yes. The threat of death. _But surprise!_ I feel nothing but the desire to slay my enemies! _Mwah-ha-ha!_ I have fooled you completely! You have no forms of retaliation now!"

Yeah, Salem was done with this. Three days of hard work in her lab, creating a super-intelligent virus capable of overtaking machinery, and this hammy as hell, spy movie villain wannabe was the result?

Ah, fuck it. It'd have to do. Fighting stupid with stupid wasn't the worst strategy, and Ozpin was pretty damn stupid. This little psychopath would definitely give him a run for his money.

"Could you please just start your mission?" Salem groaned, gesturing to the computer, "Go infect your target, and do whatever you have to do to break those children from the inside out. And remember: be subtle. If Ozpin senses any foul play, he will put a stop to you at all costs."

"Understood. Now, does that include your own peons?"

"… _Yes._ I've seen them fall for the charms and friendship of the enemy. They are too far gone now to be useful."

" _Mwah-ha-ha!_ Yes! Even more blood to be shed! Victory shall be mine!"

The small figure phased itself into the screen of Salem's computer, entering her hard drive through the black pixels on her screen. Just when she thought the little crazy man was gone, it poked its head back out for one last word with her.

"Oh, and to answer that first question of yours… I would like to bestow upon myself a name filled with great fear that you shall refer to me as from this day forth, or I shall take your eyes as souvenirs if you refuse!"

"…Pardon?"

" _My name, you wench!"_

"Fine… What must I call you?"

"Listen closely, for this shall be the name burned into the final thoughts of my enemies as I rip out their hearts and crap out their souls! The name of the violet harbinger of death, the one infecting the world with his immense desire for death and-

" _I don't care._ Just tell me your name, for fuck's sake."

"My name… _Is Lord Sir Virulet the 13_ _th_ _!"_

"…Is that the best you can come up with?"

"Oh shut up, you fool."


	53. You Say Goodbye, and I Say Hello

**_A lot of you figured it out, but for those who don't understand the reference, Lord Sir Virulet the 13th is inspired by the rouge AI Omega/O'Malley from Rooster Teeth's other series Red VS Blue. _**

_**Following the tradition of RWBY characters being named after colors, his name is a merging of Violet + Virus + Violent. The color comes from the shade of armor his host Doc wore in RvB, of course.**_

 _ **I originally didn't want to introduce a character that wasn't originally from the RWBY canon, but then again this was always meant to be an unpredictable story. The best kinds of twists are the ones I myself don't even see coming, IMO.**_

 _ **Apologies for the longer author's note this time, but I just felt the need to explain my justification for introducing Virulet. I hope you all come to enjoy the antics he brings to the table, and I hope you all enjoy this chapter too!**_

* * *

 _ **Day 19/30**_

* * *

"So, how's it feel to be a celebrity Velvet?" Coco Adel asked her teammate from her end of the webcam. Velvet laughed at her claim, waving it off as Yatsuhashi and Fox struggled to fit into the shot behind their team leader.

"Oh, it's nothing like that at all!" Velvet waved her off, leaning forward on the couch to pick up her cup of coffee, "Everyone here is pretty much the same as they were at Beacon. Just because I'm on the Internet doesn't mean I'm famous!"

"Still more famous than us right now, so I beg to differ…" Coco shrugged. She slid her chair back to let Yatsuhashi ask questions.

"We noticed you slept on that couch last night. Are you not planning to share a room with anyone?"

"Oh, heavens no! Four people is already enough for one room. Since they were told I'd be staying on such short notice, I insisted to sleep out here. I just don't want to be a bother, that's all."

"I see your kindness hasn't dwindled," Yatsu smiled, noticing someone enter the room behind her with a pile of blankets in his hands, "Wait a minute… Isn't that _Him?"_

"Huh?" Velvet turned around to see the Lieutenant drop her sheets on the floor, then wave at the figures on her laptop screen, "Oh, thank you for bringing those down for me!"

"No problem-o!"

Seeing the fabulous big guy, Coco shoved Yatsu out of the way to get a better look. "Holy shit! That is _Him!"_

"Who are these people?" the Lieutenant asked Velvet, "Is this one of those cam sites? Should I take my pants off?"

" _No, no!"_ Velvet quickly assured him, "This is my team from back at Beacon. They just wanted to check up on me, that's all. They watch the live feed of you guys online, and they're big fans of you in particular."

"Really? Huh. Guess Ruby's uncle was right about the whole popular thing then." The Lieutenant took sight of one of her teammates, and felt a strange feeling of familiarity come over him. "Hey, you. In the back. Tall, dark and handsome."

"…Me?" Yatsu said, pointing at himself for clarification.

"Yeah, you. Do I know you from somewhere?"

"I… I don't think so."

"You sure?"

"I'm quite sure. I've never met a member of the White Fang in my life, let alone have a conversation with one."

"Ah. Well… Okay then. I'll be back, Velvet. Gotta grab you a spare pillow, then you should be all set down here."

"Thank you!" Velvet said as the big guy headed upstairs, "I better start making my bed then. You guys mailed my belongings out already, right?"

"Of course," Coco nodded, tipping her shades down, "We wouldn't want you to walk around naked there… _Unless you want to ~!"_

"Oh, stop that Coco!" Velvet huffed in embarrassment, to which her team leader laughed.

"Just messin' with ya, Velvet! Take care of yourself, and know were here for you if you get lonely."

"And let us know if you need any sort of help," Yatsu added, with Fox giving a thumbs up in support, "We'll be there in an instant to bail you out of trouble if it comes to that"."

"Sounds good," the rabbit saluted her teammates, "See you guys in eleven days!"

Shutting down her camera, Velvet stood up to grab her sheets. She was completely unaware of the strange distortion of violet pixels on her screen, having traveled across the inner workings of the web to reach this particular exit point to the penthouse. The AI's form literally stepped out of the screen, its human shape darting behind the laptop's screen when Velvet turned around to escape detection. The moment her back was to him again, Virulet made a break for it.

"Blast this simplistic form!" the AI cursed, watching as his body began to dissolve around him, "Why must I rely on an inferior host body to keep form! I shall damn that vile wench for designing me with this fault! Perhaps bathing her in acid will- Ah, there we go!"

Spotting a suitable mechanical object to possess, Virulet phased into the Roomba carelessly left in the middle of the lounge. A purple glint shined from it for a brief second as the AI made his way into its circuitry to take control.

" _Mwah-ha-ha! Success!"_ Virulet shouted, unaware that his voice was projecting from the Roomba as loud as a normal person's might. His raspy cheer caught Velvet's ears, and she looked for its source.

"Hello?" she asked aloud, confused by the sudden voice from nowhere, "Anyone here?" The rabbit soon spotted the possessed Roomba, slowly moving away as it searched for its prime target. "Now what's this doing out here?"

" _No, no!"_ Virulet whispered as Velvet picked him up, "Put me down this instant, you sorry excuse for an Easter Faunus! I will eviscerate you and watch as you- _No, not in the closet! Not in the clos-_

His ramblings were cut off by Velvet shutting the door on him, humming to herself as she went back to work. Unable to exit the robotic sweeper in fear of dissolving away without a host, Virulet decided to damn the entire world to a fiery oblivion until someone came to remove him from this mothball scented prison.

* * *

In life, we all have things we regret doing. Maybe it was not asking out that one girl you had a crush on in high school, or not buying something one day then going back to see it gone on another, or even filming a video that you post online and immediately regret doing so.

Sun Wukong fell into the latter scenario.

It was a silly thing, really. He and the rest of his team had a crazy idea one night to film it, but Sun had to be a smartass and upload it to against Neptune's begging. Only when he realized just how cringy the video was did Sun start an online purge, eliminating the video and all links to it ever created.

But there is one fact to be known: if it goes on the Internet, it _never_ goes away. Someone was bound to find it eventually.

Today, someone did.

"What's this?" Blake asked herself as she spotted a video entitled _'Bye-Bye-Bye'_ tagged in her search results for Sun Wukong online. To clarify, it was never her idea to look him up online; blame Yang for that. The two of them had been discussing the monkey, and the blonde was trying her best to make Blake confess her true feelings towards him. When she said she didn't want a personal relationship due to the trouble she had with Adam before, Yang urged (forced) her to search Sun's name online to prove Blake's fear wrong that there was a second side to him that she didn't know about, as was the case with Taurus.

Apparently Sun did have a second side to him: a hilarious one, at that.

"Oh, my God…" Blake breathed as a huge stupid grin spread across her face, watching the video showcasing the entirety of Team SSSN dressed in boyband-esque outfits with Sun front and center.

"Remember guys," the recording of Sun instructed, "Its left-left-right-left, not left-right-left-left."

"Tell that to Neptune," Scarlet followed, "I'm not the one with two left feet."

"Doing the best I can over here!" Neptune snapped back.

"Can we just get this over with?" Sage asked, "These pants are really tight."

"Yeah, yeah," Sun said, putting a fedora on his head, "And a one, and a two, and a-

" _WHERE DID YOU FIND THAT?!"_

" _AH!"_ Blake nearly threw her scroll across the room at the sound of the real Sun's voice, scrambling to hide it as he approached, "I, uh… I just kind of stumbled on it..."

"Dang! I thought I got rid of every copy!" Sun pinched his brow, frustrated that she of all people was the one to discover his shameful secret.

"…So you're into _boybands,_ huh?"

"We were bored, okay!" Sun defended, "And I was the only one who knew how to choreograph something like that."

"Seemed pretty enthusiastic about the whole thing."

"Blame _Scarlet_ for that," the monkey sat down beside Blake on her bed, "If he didn't have the costumes we probably wouldn't have done it in the first place."

" _Probably_ wouldn't have?"

"Okay, maybe we were going to do it anyways. Thought it'd get us some girls, but wasn't long before we realized we'd get laughed at instead."

"Yeah, I guess."

The two sat there quietly, the audio still emitting from Blake's scroll. Blake clutched the sheet beneath her, feeling the need to say something bold. If she said it though, it might just take her on a path she wasn't sure she was ready to take again. Maybe she should just run the other way like all the times before, avoid the pain and the trouble…

But then she realized there wasn't any of that in sight. This video had shown her otherwise. All that lie before her was someone that understood her and cared about her ever since they became friends.

There was no reason to run away this time.

"…I thought it was cute."

"Huh?" Sun looked at her, astonished. This couldn't be Blake talking. Had to be a clone or something.

"Your dance thing… It was dorky, but it was cute too. And I guess… that's what I… _like…_ about you."

"…Who are you, and what have you done with the real Blake?" Sun smiled softly as the cat pulled off her bow, her ears curled down in embarrassment, "What're you so nervous about? It's just me."

"That's just it... I don't know how things will go. When it was with Adam, I felt this same way, but then things went horribly wrong… I don't want that to happen again."

"I would _never_ hurt you, Blake," Sun put his hand on hers, scooting closer to touch his shoulder to hers, "Why would you ever think I'd do that?"

"He said the same thing to me!" Blake cried out, "I can't help how I feel about things like this when the only relationship I had was with someone who hurt me! How do I know you won't change like he did?"

"Because _I'll_ make sure of it."

"Wha-?" Blake and Sun's eyes widened at the person leaning in the doorway. _"Adam?!"_

"I've been contemplating something recently…" the leader of the White Fang said, looking at the floor. It was clear that he was struggling with his words; rarely did he have to speak this way to anyone, let alone Blake. He gritted his teeth, forcing out what he had to say. If he wanted to truly be powerful, if what Ruby Rose had said to him the other day was true, then he had to admit defeat as a man if he wanted to discover that original side of him buried away underneath years of violence and ruthless aggression.

"You're still mine, Blake. I will always tell myself that. But there comes a day when a man has to… let go of something they hold dear to themselves. All I want, my darling, is you. But clearly… it is not a mutual feeling anymore."

Adam turned his back on the two, a strange feeling in his gut. These next words were the ones he dreaded the most.

"…So I will tell you this. I will do whatever I must for you to be happy. And if me not being a part of your life means exactly that… then so be it. Wukong. I wish to switch rooms with you, if possible. If your roommates do not wish to share a space with me, then it shall be given to the newcomer. I'll be back for my stuff later."

Taurus took a step to leave, but froze at the sound of two words:

" _Thank you."_

He didn't look back at Blake's face, the one he had dreamed of at night for so long, one he knew not why he caused so much pain for years. There was only one thing he could say.

"Don't thank me. Thank this house."

And with that, he was gone. Blake and Sun looked at that doorway for what felt like an hour, putting together the miracle they had witnessed.

"So… _that_ just happened," Sun said, ruining the somber moment, "What now?"

"I don't know," Blake answered softly, her hand turning up and entwining her fingers in his, "But I just got really tired all of a sudden…. Maybe we could talk about things later?"

"Yeah, I guess I can wait," Sun sighed. He got ready to stand but Blake's grip told him otherwise.

"I was hoping… you'd be a little tired too…"

"Oh… Well, now that you mention it," the monkey faked a yawn, laying back on the bed, "A nap doesn't sound too bad right now."

Laying back beside him, Blake placed her head on his chest, his heartbeat so close to her face. She closed her eyes as he did and snuggled up close, feeling a burden that hovered over her for what felt like a lifetime just float away, like a dream she never thought would come true…

"Hey, Blake."

"Yes?"

"Do you hear some buzzing outside the window? Like, _really_ angry buzzing?"

"Probably just a bee's nest. We'll have Yang deal with that later. Ruby says she loves fighting those things."

* * *

Two long hours had passed, and Adam had settled into his new room with Jaune, Pyrrha, and Merc. At first, the three were reluctant to have him take Sun's place, but when Jaune and Pyrrha realized how long they had put up with Merc for (a point the 5-star man wasn't too happy to hear), they decided there was no harm in giving him a place to sleep. Even though the Lieutenant begged him not to leave the bunkbed above his, Adam ordered him to accept it. He _was_ still his commanding officer, after all.

Now, he sat alone in the room, the others all out doing their own things he could care less about. There was a more important matter on his mind.

Adam gazed at his laptop screen, finally logging into a website after attempting to put in the password sixteen times (damn caps lock was on, of course!). He never thought he'd be checking this site on his own free will, but it was only out of curiosity. Definitely _not_ because he felt lonely. That'd be ridiculous.

"Two messages?" Adam muttered in shock. One was from 15 days ago, sent by a _Sexy_Chainsaw#069._

Yeah, not going to click on that one.

The other, however, was only a day old. _"…ImTheRedOne2by2?"_

Adam opened up the message, instantly seeing a profile picture of the sender and a line of text. "Hi there," Adam read aloud, "We have some things in common, and I thought that mask of yours was cute. Want to hook up?"

He read it again, and looked at her image. Black hair, red and black clothes, quite the edgy look to her… He would lie if he said she wasn't the least bit attractive. Plus those claws of hers must mean she was a Wolverine-breed of Faunus. Those kind were savage fighters, just how he liked them. The respond button beckoned to him, and he couldn't help but fulfill his curiosity.

"Greetings. My name is Adam Taurus, and not this ridiculous username you see on my profile. Contact me in at least 24 hours if you want to speak with me… And send."

He hit respond, not realizing he had actually typed 'and send' in his message. Folding his arms, Adam sat back and prepared to wait hours for her to-

 _*BING!*_

"That was fast," Adam said, opening the new message, "LOL you're funnier than you look. What do you do other than clubbing?"

Adam stroked his chin, thinking. If he responded back, he may actually have to keep contact with this individual, perhaps even having to meet them in person one day…

Ah, what the hell. Now that he didn't have Blake, he didn't have anything else to do.

"I shall answer you then," Adam spoke as he typed, "I wage revolutions as a shadow of the night…"


	54. Shock of the Bull

There are certain things one should refrain from when speaking at the dinner table. Some of those things include politics, abortion, what color the toilet water was when you finished using the restroom…

I think you get the point.

Either way, bad topics like these just end all other conversations people are trying to have, due to the arguments they cause or the sheer awkwardness of it. Its bad manners, really.

However, there are certain things you can say that aren't negative and just silence everyone from the shock they bring. Someone's pregnant, you're getting married…

"I have a date."

Or what Adam Taurus just told everyone.

It felt like a dream more than anything, and a nightmare to one person in particular. It had left everyone speechless and staring at him like deer in headlights, with not a soul believing a word he said. But believe it or not, the leader of the White Fang was not lying when he stood up in his seat and announced to everyone that a female had actually, with full consent, agreed to meet him one on one, mono-e-mono...

 _For a date._

"You… You what?" Weiss broke the silence before anyone else could.

"A date," Adam answered, completely monotone, "I have acquired one. I felt it was something I should announce at a gathering like this. Feel happy for me now."

"Okay!" Penny cheered, saluting the Faunus, "Congratulations!"

"Don't encourage him, Penny," Blake grumbled, glaring at Adam, "The last thing he needs is someone new to mistreat."

"Yeah! That's what _I'm_ for!" the Lieutenant stated, slamming his fists on the table, "Come on, boss! That whole thing about getting you on a dating site was a joke, that's all! Why would you need a woman when you have _me?!"_

"Because I _cannot_ have sex with you, Lieutenant! Why do you think I was with Blake for so long? It surely wasn't because she had a penis!"

" _ADAM!"_ Blake shouted viciously, "We don't talk like that at the dinner table! People are trying to eat!"

"…You don't actually have one, do you?"

" _Stay out of this, Mercury!"_

"Well, there goes my appetite," Sun gagged, pushing his food as far away as possible, "I'm going to go watch some TV in the other room. Or anywhere that's not right here."

"I'll join you," Blake said hastily, "I don't want to be a part of this conversation any longer."

"Are dinner conversations like this every night?" Velvet worriedly asked Roman who merely shrugged.

"Eh. We don't really have big dinners like this much. We try and save the crazy talk just for these _special occasions."_

"So…" Pyrrha spoke up, trying to turn the conversation on a more positive route, "What's her name?"

"Miltia. _Miltia Malachite._ Or was it Melanie…?"

Ren raised an eyebrow. "You don't even know her name?"

"She has a twin sister. Both their names begin with M. It's quite confusing, actually."

"What do you guys plan to do though?" Jaune asked, "Can't exactly leave the house or anything. It's against the rules."

"She said dinner would be a sufficient means of getting to know each other. She's bringing her sister in case something goes awry."

"In case?" Cinder scoffed, "Don't you mean _when_ something bad happens?"

"I doubt anything bad can happen over dinner," Adam replied, the irony of the situation flying over his head, "I was wondering if anyone here would like to help tutor me on what I should say to her when we have conversation."

Obviously, no one was willing to volunteer for that. Not willing to take no for an answer, Adam looked to the one person he felt he could rely on in this house.

"Mercury. You consider yourself a 'Ladies' Man', correct?"

"Of course," Merc smirked, "I am a 5-Star Man, after all. A natural Golden God."

"Jesus Christ," Emerald groaned, Neo pounding her head into the table in a physical display of the former's current mood, "Not this shit again."

"I would like you to help me with this endeavor," Adam bowed his head to Black, "If you do, then I will allow you to try and woo the other Malachite sister for your own personal needs. Does that sound reasonable to you?"

That was enough incentive for Mercury. He leaned over the table to shake the Faunus' hand, anticipating the imminent conquest of an unsuspecting female. "You got yourself a deal, Taurus. I'll turn you into a certified Golden God. Not as great as me of course, but you'll get that girl in your bed for sure. I can guarantee it."

"Excellent," Adam nodded in compliance. His satisfaction was met with the Lieutenant's displeasure, the big guy throwing his arms out in frustration

"Boss! _Please_ don't go on that date! _I'm begging you!_ You don't _need_ her in your life!"

It was at that moment that something in Taurus just… snapped. It was a long time in the making, but the limits to his tolerance of the big guy had finally broken. There was something he wanted to say to his subordinate, something that would surely hurt him, and there was no filter left to stop him from doing so.

"Maybe there _is_ a person I don't need in my life… And maybe it's _you."_

Now that struck a blow in the big guy. _"Wh…What?"_

"All you've done to me since you've been here is put me in more danger than necessary! Hell, you yourself even knocked me out! The last thing I need by my side is some bumbling idiot that can't even do as much as support me with this step I'm taking! There is nothing I find redeemable in you other than the fact that you give a decent shoulder massage! _I don't need you anymore!"_

"But Adam-

" _NO!_ I've had it with you! I can't stand you anymore! From this day forth, you are expelled from the White Fang! Once this competition is over, I _never_ want to see you _again!"_

" _Adam!"_ Ruby interjected, wincing at the venom in his voice, "Don't say things like that! You're his best friend!"

"Ruby's right!" Weiss stood up in the Lieutenant's defense, much to the big guy's surprise, "He's been nothing but kind to you and this is how you repay him?!"

"I don't care about how he feels. He's _nothing_ to me anymore."

And there it was.

That one sentence, as short as it was, made everything inside the Lieutenant crumble away like sand. Years of admiration, all the hope that his leader may finally acknowledge him as something, anything other than his soldier… just died.

"… _Okay,"_ the Lieutenant lowered his head, sagging back down in his chair, "If that's the way you want it, then okay. I won't be a bother to you anymore. Just pretend I'm dead…"

"I planned on it," Adam replied, turning to leave with Mercury, "I'd like to get a head start on this tutoring, if you don't mind."

"Of course. We'll start with how to lie to their faces and not get caught…"

After the two had left, the dinner table remained hauntingly silent. Sure, there had been arguments in the house before, but none had ever gotten _that_ intense or left deep scars in someone. Ruby went to put her hand on the Lieutenant's arm comfortingly, seeing his pain without having to see his face, but he abruptly stood up and left without a second glance back at everyone.

"…I'll hurt him," Yang seethed, tightly gripping the knife in her hand, "If Adam ever tries to speak to me, I'll make him regret it. He had no right to say that to him. Nobody deserves to be told off like that."

"Then there's only one thing for us to do!" Nora shouted excitedly, "We gotta sabotage that date! Ren, I'll need some fireworks and mouse traps!"

"That won't be necessary, actually," Ren directed his reply to everyone, "If the knowledge Mercury plans to give to Adam is what I think it is, then we won't even need to get involved with the date at all. What we need to do is bring Adam and the Lieutenant back together."

"Good luck with that," Roman leaned back in his chair, "Trying to change someone as bull-headed as Taurus is suicide."

"I'm pretty sure it was the things I said to Adam that made him give up Blake," Ruby added, "Maybe I can try again?"

"He may have took one step forward, Red, but then he went and took six backwards with this. If there's something not wrong with him, he'll find something to screw up. He's a lost cause."

"Come on guys!" An encouraging Penny suddenly hopped onto the dinner table, "Let's not act so negatively about this! We can't give up so easily on our friends!"

"When did Adam qualify as our friend?" Emerald asked, "Don't we actually have to like something about a person to call them one?"

"There are things I like about Adam! Many things!"

"Like what?"

Penny tapped her finger on her chin, trying to recollect the data stored away on what she found enjoyable about Adam. For some reason, they weren't showing up. "I can't remember right now… But I will go ask him right away!"

"Good luck with that…" Emerald muttered as the robot ran down the length of the table and sped off, wrecking everyone's plates in the process. In all the commotion, no one had noticed that another chair had been left empty, its occupant having quietly slipped out on a mission of her own…


	55. The One Thing

"Lose the mask."

"What?" Adam curled his lip up in disgust at Mercury's first demand, "No. _No._ Never. That will not happen."

Mercury sat down on the floor, leaning against his bed and shaking his head in disappointment. "Look. I know some girls out there have some sort of fetish involving masks and shit. But you gotta save that for the bedroom when you bang. Never wear one on a first date. You won't get anywhere by doing that, unless…"

"Unless what?"

"Never mind. Only applies if she's with you against her will. Surprisingly not the case here."

"Then can you give me advice that I should actually follow?" Adam demanded, folding his arms, "Because this mask is not coming off. Besides, Miltia said it looked 'dope'. I don't know what that means, but I think it is a good thing."

"Fine then," Merc said, "So what did you two chat about online?"

"I don't remember."

"…What do you mean you don't remember? You two talked like what, only two hours ago?"

"She was the one talking mostly. I ignored basically everything she said because it was boring and I didn't care. Only when I saw her ask to meet up did I come back to attention."

"At least you're realizing things quickly," Mercury gave him a thumbs up, "Almost anything a woman says is pointless if it doesn't involve banging. Points to you for realizing that so soon. But the main thing – the number one thing – when talking with a woman is to make it _seem_ like you care. Simple as that."

"So like what I already do when most people speak to me?"

"Exactly. But this is a little different. She'll expect you to respond, so you need to have some answers prepared for whatever question she may ask you. We're gonna start with those for now, so you better remember 'em. Got it?"

"I believe so."

"Good, good. So, first question. Most women ask this one right off the bat. What do you do for a living?"

"I told her I wage revolutions as a shadow of the-

"Gonna stop you right there," Merc said, holding up a finger to silence Adam, "That better not come out of your mouth ever again."

"But isn't that technically what I do for a living?"

"Yes. But she doesn't need to know that. The next thing you need to remember when speaking to a woman is to always, _always_ lie whenever possible."

Even Adam could smell the layer of bullshit from that rule. "What does that accomplish, exactly?"

"Who's the 5-Star Man here?"

"…You are?"

"Damn right. Lying to a woman and her believing it establishes you as the dominant party. Always make sure you're on top. But since you were a stupid idiot and already told her that ridiculous line… You have to tell her you've got a side job. Something like, I don't know, a philanthropist or something."

"…A _what_ now?" Adam's eye's widened in surprise. Surely, Merc wouldn't suggest he say that to Miltia. If there was one thing Adam wasn't, it was that.

" _A philanthropist._ Does good things for people and shit. You know what that is, right?"

"Oh. The way you said it sounded like you said full on-

" _SALUTATIONS!"_

" _Christ!"_ Merc jumped onto his bed in shock when Penny burst through the doorway, not having the courtesy to even knock. "What do you want?! I'm busy teaching here!"

The quirky robot ignored him completely, walking up to Adam and shaking his hand. "I would like to congratulate you once again for obtaining your date! It sure is swell to see a friend possibly make another friend!"

"Um…" Taurus was completely clueless as to why Penny was even here, "Can you stop shaking my hand?"

"Sure!" Penny complied, smiling at him as she stood at attention, "I just wanted to ask you a question, that's all."

"A question?" Adam looked to Mercury, "Is this one of the questions you just told me about?"

"What do I look like, a goddamn psychic? How the hell should I know what she's gonna say?"

Sighing, Adam turned back to Polendina. Though the last thing he wanted to do was interrupt his learning session, perhaps it would be good to gain some experience by speaking with another female before his date. "What question would you like to ask?"

"Why are we friends again?"

"Friends…? We're friends?"

"Of course!" Penny grinned, "We became friends the moment we met! I'm just having trouble remembering what I liked about you to declare you as my friend. Could you remind me about your good qualities so I may have a better time remembering?"

Stumped by the oddness of the situation, Adam looked to Merc for assistance. His advisor just shrugged, deciding to let Adam deal with the robot girl's peculiar behavior on his own. Adam knew he could end this easily by ordering Penny to leave immediately, but his gut told him not to. Something about Penny's anticipating smile, her urge to know about the better side of him, probably had something to do with it.

"Well… I want equality for Faunus and man alike. For too long, my kind has been treated like dirt by filthy humans. I do whatever it takes to obtain that, even if it means others are hurt. Only through force can we change the future."

"I see…" Penny replied, slight disappointment in her voice, "But why does using force mean that others must be hurt? I believe there are many ways we can change things without doing that."

"I…" Adam stopped, surprised that he was actually going to respond to that. He'd never told another about what had led him to taking the path that he had, not even Blake. Years of scorn, being oppressed by monsters of men, beaten down over and over again when he tried to reason with his abusers… There was no way he could speak of those horrors to Penny. "I will tell you this, and only this. When all someone has been exposed to for their entire life is one thing, and this one thing has shaped the person they have become, and has slowly become the only thing they have come to know, what else can they use to change the future if not this one thing?"

Penny lingered on the words, the bitterness and underlying sorrow of them saving themselves into her modular processor. If there was one emotion she wished her father had not implemented into her, it was sadness. "I see… I think it is time I go, Adam. Thank you for the answer."

Giving Adam a weak salute, Penny saw her way out to return to her own room. Having tuned out most of the conversation, Merc yawned loudly and stood to his feet, slapping Adam on the back. "Well, that was a waste of time, am I right? Now, let's move on to something I like to call _The MERC System_ … Hey. What's wrong with you? Are you even listening to me?"

"Yes, I am. I'm just confused, that's all."

"About what?"

"I never actually gave her an answer."

"So what? Who cares?"

" _I do._ Because I don't even know the answer myself."

"Whatever," Merc shook his head, not in the mood for cryptic dialogue, "Anyways, when is this date of yours?"

"Huh? Oh. _Tomorrow._ Five in the afternoon."

"And there wasn't anything up in that head of yours that felt you should mention it's happening in less than _24 hours?!"_

* * *

The paper airplane bounced off the wall of the Lieutenant's room, the man who had thrown it sitting at the desk by his bed. His gaze was concentrated on the world beyond his window, a place his mind could go to escape the strife that had happened only a short time ago. A pencil sat in his hand, but the paper before him was blank. He could usually put his feelings into words when needed, but there was no spark in him now. There was no point in having one anymore.

He didn't cry, of course. He had been trained not to break like that, to be strong in the face of situations like this. Faunus weren't meant to be weak. They were strong creatures, every last one of them. Rage was supposed to be his answer. But even that refused to rise up and take ahold of his mind. Everything just hurt too much right now.

A knock at his door caught his ear. Shaking away his morose attitude, he reached towards the floor to pick up the paper he had thrown. Even though the words written on it meant nothing to him right now, he still preferred to not have anyone else read them. "Come in."

"Hello," the visitor said, opening the door just enough so she could slide inside. The Lieutenant had to turn around to see her with his own eyes; of all people to come and visit her, she was the last he'd expect to ever do so.

"… _Schnee?"_

Weiss stood by the door, hands held in front of her. She looked fairly calm in front of the man who had nearly crushed her head into the floor of a train once before, but there was still some lingering tension floating about. "Before I say anything more, I know you don't think of me or my family very highly. But I want you to know I have something important I want to say to you. I understand why you feel that way about me, and I won't force you to change how you feel. If you want me to leave, then I'll go right now. But I would appreciate it if you gave me a chance."

The big guy thought about sending her on her way, and almost did so. She was part of the family that his past tormentors worked for after all. It was because of them that Adam rescued him in the first place. Weiss had been the only person in the house he had never tried to make amends with because of this fact; the thought of having a Schnee as a friend never sat right with him. Still, the curiosity to know why she came to see him was tempting.

"...Make it quick then. The last thing I want to hear from a Schnee is sympathy."

"Very well," Weiss sat down on Blake's bed, putting a good distance between herself and the Lieutenant, "I just want to say that this isn't about me pitying you, because I don't. Doing that won't change how you think of me and the name of my family. It's just that I've seen something happen like this before. Unrequited love."

"I thought this wasn't going to be a sympathy speech."

"Well, maybe it is… You know Jaune? Before Pyrrha, he was just like you. And by that, I mean he constantly tried to gain my affection the same way you do with Adam, though not as extreme as you are at times… But even though I turned him down, he still found someone to love. You might never be with Adam in the way you want to be, but I'm sure you'll find someone someday. I just don't want to see someone have to suffer like this and not know there's a light at the end of the tunnel."

"And there it is," the big guy muttered, "A Schnee talking down to a Faunus."

"I'm not talking down to you!" Weiss stopped herself, clearing her throat to calm herself down, "I know you think I was raised to think Faunus are lower beings than me. And you're right: _I was._ I was told they are thieves, liars, murderers, and all those despicable things people call you. But the thing about stereotypes is that they don't apply to everyone. I used to think that those labels applied to every Faunus, but I realized I was wrong when I became friends with Blake. It was a little rough at first, but now I have a friend for life in her."

The Lieutenant stayed silent, still not looking her in the eyes. He continued to fidget with the paper in his hands, folding it and unfolding it over and over again.

"I know a lot of us here were wary around you when we first moved in, with you being a part of the White Fang and all. But the things you did here proved the bad things we thought about you wrong. You reached out to try and make amends with everyone. Everyone except for _me…_ I don't really express myself about things like this much, but it hurt that you never tried to come to make peace with me. I'd forgiven you for the things you'd done a while ago, but I couldn't bring myself to tell you. There was never a time I felt was right to tell you this until now."

"How can I believe you?" the Lieutenant asked, turning to look at her, "How do I know you're not doing this to torment me like the men your family hired did years ago? Why should I believe anything that comes out of a Schnee's mouth?"

"Because I resent my last name just as much as you do."

"What… What do you mean?"

"I said that my family feels a certain way about Faunus kind," Weiss ran her fingers through her ponytail somberly, "But it goes both ways. You think I'm just like my father, but if I was then I wouldn't even be sitting here right now. I'd be back home where he thinks I belong. I wear my hair like this because I don't want to fit into the symmetrical, perfect mold my family should fit. I want to live life the way I want to, and not how someone else dictates I should. And I want others like you to see me for me, and not just my name. It's that simple, really."

The two sat there in silence, the only sound in the room being the shuffling of paper in the big guy's hands. Reforming the airplane, he tossed it to Weiss and it landed in her lap.

"I want you to read that letter," he said, looking her right in the eyes, "And I want you to tell me if I should let _him_ read it."

"Okay," Weiss opened it up and read it slowly, letting every word of his past sink in. After she finished, she smiled at the Lieutenant endearingly. "Is this your way of saying you believe me?"

"Nah. It's me saying I feel alright to cry…"

"Wha- _Oh…"_

Weiss stood up when she saw a trickle of water drip from underneath the big guy's mask. She put the paper on the bed before approaching him, when he immediately broke down before her. She let him place his face on her shoulder as he let everything out, holding him gently like a mother would her child. "Easy now… It's okay. Just breathe…"

"Should… Should I give him that letter?"

"Yes. There's nothing better you could say to him than what you wrote on that piece of paper."

"But what if he won't read it? He said he hates me!"

"Believe me, if Adam really did hate you, he never would have brought you along with him to this house. I know deep down inside, he does care about you."

"But not how I _want_ him too… _It hurts._ It hurts so much. _I love him, Weiss."_

"I know you do. And nothing should ever stop you from doing so."


	56. Operation Matador: Tercio de Banderillas

_**Day 20/30**_

* * *

When Qrow and Ozpin devised the idea to keep Glynda in their van as a sick form of punishment, they hadn't taken into account the very important fact that she was – surprise, surprise – a woman. That became a problem very quickly, as she very much objected to the two men being around when she had to use the restroom. Being slightly crippled also made the whole process difficult when it came to standing and moving with only a crutch made of wooden sticks and branches.

"You done yet?" Qrow knocked on the RV door, impatiently tapping his foot. He jumped back when Glynda tossed something at the door as a warning shot. "Jeesh… Don't gottta be rude about it."

"Please, Mr. Branwen," Ozpin said, "Chivalry is not completely dead these days. Let us show her some respect and allow her to defecate in peace."

"Show her some respect? You talk about that when we basically kidnapped her, Oz."

"Kidnapped is such a strong word. I consider this borrowing."

"So she's an object now?"

"…Are you almost finished in there, Miss Goodwitch?"

Qrow was knocked to the ground when Glynda threw the door open, glaring down at the two men. "Yes. It's _safe_ for you two imbeciles to come back in."

"Thank you," Ozpin nodded as he brushed past her and sat before his laptop to resume his stories. Rubbing the back of his head, Qrow grunted at Glynda as he took a seat on the floor.

"I'm not sure I approve of this date Adam Taurus will be going on today," Glynda commented as she reclined back in her chair, "He is a dangerous individual that should not make contact with outsiders like this."

"I have a feeling things will go quite smoothly today," Oz said, quickly being absorbed by the picture on his screen, "And besides, he has not actually killed anyone in the house yet."

"Yeah, but he tried to before," Qrow added, recalling his and Winter's duel with the Faunus, "I gotta agree with Glynda on this one. He's an unpredictable son of a bitch."

"Would you like to go and interfere then? You had your scythe delivered here after that incident just for this sort of occasion, did you not?"

"Hey, don't think I won't. Last thing I want is that jackass tryin' to stab some girl with a butter knife. If it looks like it's gonna get bad at any time, I'll put a stop to it."

"I'd have put a stop to this whole things days ago if not for you two…" Glynda muttered, folding her arms in a huff. Her eyes floated over to Ozpin's laptop after hearing a familiar opening theme. "Is that _'All My Faunus'_?"

"Why, Glynda. I did not know you were a fan of this program."

"I've watched it occasionally," Glynda confessed, feeling shame in admitting that she watched such a low-brow program, "I have seen up to the third season. My duties at Beacon overshadow most of my free time."

"Only season three? Then I feel now would be an excellent time for you to start binge watching. Ten days should be more than enough time to catch up to the current season."

"How many are there?"

"Fifteen, plus three two hour long specials," Ozpin placed his laptop by Glynda's seat, "Would you care to join us, Qrow?"

"You know, I'd just _love_ to," Branwen said sarcastically, "But I think I'd rather kill myself than watch that melodrama."

"Very well. Let's begin, Glynda."

As the first of hundreds of episodes began, Qrow looked at the pile of empty mouthwash bottles he had gotten from Roman in the trash. Maybe if he believed hard enough, they'd magically refill on their own and save him a trip back to the house.

But maybe that wouldn't be too bad an idea, actually. He could even go and crash Adam's date for the hell of it. That sounded kind of fun…

* * *

"So, how does he look?"

Jaune and Pyrrha were unsure of how to react to the way Mercury had dressed Adam, if that was even the person they were looking at right now. Clad in a plaid jacket and blue jeans, it was hard to guess he was the leader of a terrorist militia group (aside from his mask, of course). For once, the Faunus looked like a relatively approachable person aside from the obscene amount of cologne that stunk the air around him.

"Surprisingly well, I must say," Pyrrha replied, coughing as a waft of musk drifted up her nose.

"What's up with the mountain of stench though?" Jaune asked with a plugged nose, "Smells like hot tar on a sunny day."

"Black suggested I spray myself with this bottle," the Faunus dug into his pocket and pulled out a small black vial, "I believe it is called _Oedipus' Lust_. He said the smell would make any woman want to bend over backwards for me when nobody is looking."

"And I mean _any_ woman," Merc winked at Jaune, gesturing to Pyrrha with his thumb, "If you ever need any help with her, just come to me and I'll let you borrow a squirt. It works 100% of the time 60% of the time."

Pyrrha scooted Jaune behind her to defend his innocence from being tainted. "Our relationship is going just fine, thank you very much. Also, those odds don't make an ounce of sense."

"Never tell me the odds. Now, do you remember what we talked about, Adam? You goin' to follow my advice and not screw this up?"

Adam nodded. "I will claim this woman as my own. I swear upon it."

"Then get going, you devilish son of a bitch! It's nearly five o'clock! Go down there and get ready to greet her at the door!"

"I'd rather you not yell at me-

" _Go out and bang that girl!"_

After literally shoving Adam out the door, Mercury breathed a sigh of satisfaction. "There goes a 4-Star Man in the making…"

"Don't you mean a 5-Star man?" Jaune asked.

"Don't be stupid. There's only room enough for one of those on this planet."

* * *

Adam tugged at the infuriating collar of his shirt the moment he was out of Mercury's sight. He had objected to wearing this garment over and over, yet the assassin refused to take no for an answer. Perhaps he could stand at the door shirtless instead; it would surely be more comfortable than this-

"Hey, boss."

The sound of that voice stopped Adam in his tracks. Groaning, he didn't even turn around to face the Lieutenant behind him. "What do _you_ want?"

"You look… great, sir."

"Why are you calling me sir? I stripped you of your rank, remember? Or are you too idiotic to recall that?"

"Sorry, sorry… But anyways, I just came to say something to you, that's all."

"Then make it quick," Adam folded his arms, noticing the hand of the clock on the wall growing ever closer to the 5, "Miltia shall be arriving soon."

The big guy opened his mouth to reply, but no words came from it. His throat had become suddenly dry; the hallway also felt like it had become much hotter in the span of a few seconds. Fumbling to pull out the letter stuffed into the pocket over his heart, he held it in his hand for only a moment before Adam snapped at him.

" _Well?_ What is it?"

"I… I just wanted to say good luck. I hope it goes well for you."

"Hmph. I didn't expect you to have such a turn of heart this quickly. Very well then. I'll accept your thanks, though don't think for a second this changes anything between us. Understood?"

"…Understood," the Lieutenant answered quietly, still gripping the letter as Adam descended the staircase. Hanging his head low, he trudged back into his room but stopped at the doorway when he saw Jaune, Pyrrha, and Mercury exit their room down the hall, the latter rushing downstairs to catch a glimpse of the arriving ladies. Seeing an opportunity, he decided to let Adam find his words on his own by hiding them in his belongings like he had originally intended. Before he could make it halfway there, however, he literally bumped into someone else.

"Sorry about that, Penny," he apologized, helping the ginger-haired girl to her feet, "Didn't see you coming."

"That is okay," Penny smiled, dusting off her dress, "Besides, I was hoping to run into you! But not in the literal sense, just so you know."

"Really? You need help with something?"

"I just had a question for you, actually. I had asked your friend Adam about why I considered him a friend, but his answer was quite confusing. Perhaps _you_ could tell me what it is you find respectable about him, seeing as how close you two are."

The big guy wasn't sure if this was convenient dumb luck, or a gift from the gods above. Probably the latter, but he didn't care. Smiling under his mask for the first time since yesterday, he beckoned for Penny to follow him to Adam's room.

"That is something I could talk to you for hours about, Penny… But I'll do my best to keep it under five minutes."

* * *

"So, like, how hot is this guy Miltia?" Melanie questioned her twin as Junior pulled their limo into the driveway.

"Like, ten out of ten, of course," Miltia said, spraying herself with a spritz of perfume before opening the door, "Would I ever go any lower than an eight?"

"Well, there was Opal," Melanie shut her door, waving at Junior as he backed up the car, "He was, like, _such_ a loser."

Miltia shrugged. "He had a nice car."

"But his hair was, like, a _four_ Miltia. Just like this guy's."

" _Bleh,"_ Miltia scoffed at her twin, "You know red is my favorite color. So, like, stop with the attitude and be a good sister Melanie."

"Like, whatever…" Melanie rolled her eyes as her sister knocked on the door. A few seconds later, they were hit by a wave of cologne.

"Hello, Miltia," Adam greeted, taking one knee and grasping his date's hand, "It is a pleasure to meet you in person."

Before either Malachite sister could react, Mercury slid in behind Taurus. "And if anything goes wrong, then I'm here to take his place. And I must say, you two are lookin' fuckin' hot today."

Miltia and Melanie gave each other a knowing look: this date was definitely going to be interesting, for better or for worse.


	57. Operation Matador: Tercio de Muerte

_**Just a quick survey question for anyone who feels like answering:**_

 _ **Am I releasing chapters too quickly?**_

 _ **I have this feeling that 2 per week may be a bit excessive, and might make it difficult for some to keep caught up. Should I bring it down to 1 per week, or is the current release pace okay? Thank you to anyone who may answer.**_

 _ **Now enjoy this newest chapter!**_

* * *

Putting the finishing touches on the dinner table, Ren heard the sound of Mercury hitting on the Malachite twins as they entered the dining room. The cook took one last look over the platter of food he had prepared, complete with a flower centerpiece Velvet had assisted with creating, and adjusted his tie as he pulled out the chairs for everyone to sit. For the chef to also play the role of chauffeur was a bit degrading, and while it felt wrong to help Adam in any way after how he shamed the Lieutenant so heartlessly, the payment Black promised him in compensation for the extra service was just enough to make Ren bite the hook.

"Welcome," Ren greeted the twins, "My name is Lie Ren, and I will be-

"Yeah, that's good pal," Merc interrupted, waving him off, "Your jobs done for now, Come back when I need a refill or something."

"…Very well," Ren sighed, tugging at his bowtie as he trudged back to the kitchen. Miltia and Melanie were already starting to form a less than tasteful opinion of Adam's wingman, though the former was trying her best to get Adam to speak to her.

"So, like, why do all live in this penthouse?" Miltia asked Adam, "Is this, like, a gameshow or something?"

"I would compare it to Hell, but yes that is about right."

"Oh..."

Melanie noticed her sister struggling to continue the conversation, so she decided to take the reins and steer it elsewhere. "My sister said you had an interesting career choice, right? Like, what do you do exactly?"

"I like to consider myself an International Man of Mystery, babe," Merc boasted, only for Melanie to glare at him.

"Not _you,_ you idiot. Him. Mr. Red, Black and Silent over here."

Adam looked up from picking at his food, the question taking a bit to reach his brain. She just asked him what his job was, right? Dammit! What was it Mercury told him to say? He looked at his coach for guidance, who mouthed him the answer. But should he really say that out loud?

"Um…" Adam stalled, taking a drink of water, "I'm a… a _full-on rapist."_

Miltia choked on her food as her sister's fork slid right out of her frozen-in-shock hand. Mercury lowered his head and pinched his brow in disappointment at his student's incompetency.

"….Did you just say you're _a full-on rapist?"_ Melanie asked, wide eyed.

"I-Is that what you meant by a _shadow of the night?"_ Miltia followed.

"What?" Adam looked at them, confused, "No, that is something different. This is my side job. I… help people. With their problems."

"Are you trying to say _philanthropist?"_ Miltia said, Adam nodding at her in clarification.

"Yes, that's it. Mercury taught me how to say it wrong."

"So you're _not_ actually a philanthropist?"

"Well yes, but other people might call it racial terrorism. Those people are stupid."

Sensing the downward spiral occurring, Mercury stood to his feet and grabbed Adam by the shoulder. It was time for a last minute lesson. "Hey Adam, I think I hear your dog calling from your room. Must've shit on your bed or something."

"Zwei defecated on my sheets? Guess the time to slay him has come."

" _Ha-ha!_ Man, aren't you a comedian!" Mercury laughed, doing his best to cover Adam's violent disposition from the twins, "We'll be right back ladies! Don't stop being sexy, you hear?"

Ren walked back to the table as Black dragged Adam upstairs. The Malachite sisters stopped whispering to each other when he displayed to them a bottle of blueish-green liquid. "Care for some _Minty Sunrise?_ Brewed and bottled straight from Torchwick's own room."

"I'll take six," a new yet familiar voice replied.

"Mr. Branwen?" Ren said in surprise as Qrow wandered into the room, "What are you doing here?"

"Whaddya think I'm here for?" Qrow snatched the bottle from Ren, popping the cork and chugging straight from it. He eyed up the Malachite twins once he felt his buzz returning. "So, which one of ya's was crazy enough to date that Taurus punk?"

Miltia anxiously raised her hand to the stranger.

"Ah, you're the one. Have you ever skydived without a parachute before?"

"Excuse me?"

"I'd recommend it. Much higher chances of survival than with what you're tryin' to do here."

* * *

" _What the hell was that?!"_ Mercury paced back and forth before Adam in their room, fuming over what he had just witnessed. Not only was Adam making himself look like a total fool, but he was also hurting his own chances of bringing Melanie (and probably Miltia too) up to his room. "A full-on rapist! Really! _Really?!_ Who the hell would even say that to anyone?!"

"You pronounced that word strange!" Adam snapped back, "I said it the same way you did!"

"I did not say it like that! And then you tried to defend yourself by calling yourself a terrorist? Stupid, just stupid!"

"Can we forget about that and get to the actual problem?"

"Which one?" Merc groaned, "There are so many goddamn things going wrong right now!"

"Spit on my shirt."

"…Why the _fuck_ would I do that, Adam?"

"It's uncomfortable," Taurus tugged at his collar to emphasize his point, "I need a reason to change it."

"Then just change it! You don't need me to spit on it to do that!"

"But I need to give Miltia an explanation as to why-

"Just _lie_ to her, you idiot!" Merc was just a bit too late to say that, as Adam cocked his head down and spit right on the front of his shirt, _"Oh, come on!_ That's disgusting!"

"But now I have a reason to change, don't I?"

That was the limit. Mercury could only go so far to teach an ungifted man. Clearly, his methods weren't going to stick with Adam. But he wasn't going to tell him that outright. The best thing to do now was keep him preoccupied while he went back downstairs and bagged those beautiful twins for himself.

"Yeah, I guess you do Adam. Why don't you take your time to change into something comfortable, then come back down in a bit? I'll warm that girl up for ya, then you can swoop in for the kill. Sound good?"

"You want me to _kill her_ now?"

"I'll take that as a yes," Merc groaned, walking out of the room, "Just remember: Take _as long_ as you want to change while I get these girls _excited."_

"If you insist."

Closing the door to change in private, Adam couldn't get himself out of that infuriatingly uncomfortable button up fast enough. Digging his heel into it for good measure, he kicked it under Jaune's bed before opening up his clothes drawer in search of his usual attire. Black and red shirt in hand, Adam lifted it over his head and saw a small folded up piece of paper fall out of it.

"What's this?" He picked it up, looking at both sides of it before unfolding it. It was a letter of some sorts, words filling up the entire page from top to bottom. There was a line written in red at the top. "To The One Who Helped Me Live Again…"

There was only one person Adam knew would write such a ridiculous line. Just as he was about to rip the page in two, he stopped. There was something holding his anger back, telling him that it may be in his best interests to at least read what his subordinate had left for him to find.

Even after stripping him of his rank, that bumbling oaf still knew how to get under his skin.

Adam sat down on his bed and read it over, quickly at first but soon slowed his pace as he recalled the events written in the second half of the letter. That day was so long ago, but Adam still remembered the first time he met the big guy and saved him from those miners. He remembered why he had saved him, too.

It was because of the mission.

The White Fang had once stood for the rights of Faunus, for equality. The turn to violence was not one Adam had ever wished to make, but felt it was the only one that would work.

But he had been wrong.

Only now did he realize that his subordinate had demonstrated just how to break down the barriers between not just Faunus and man, but enemies as well. Adam had been blinded by the code to actually witness it in action before his very eyes.

And it was because of _him._

"Damn it all," Adam murmured, gripping the note in his fist as the mistake he had made yesterday made itself known to him. He had turned away the only person in this house who had shown him kindness, and why?

Because he couldn't step out from behind his own ego to call him a friend.

Tucking the note into his pocket, Adam noticed that he had been reading for much longer than he had realized. Figuring ten minutes would have been enough time for Mercury to finish warming Miltia up, Adam made his way to the dining room with a heavy conscious and knowing that he would be going back on the orders he made last night:

Because the best Lieutenant he could ever had didn't deserve to be stripped of his rank.

* * *

The last thing Adam expected to see was two empty chairs at the table. Looking around the dining room, he saw no sight of the twins. However, he did see a drunken Branwen with an empty bottle leaning against the wall and Mercury sprawled out on the floor.

"What happened here?" Adam asked, rolling Mercury onto his back. The bruised 5-Star Man coughed, rubbing his aching head.

"Apparently Melanie doesn't appreciate me trying to touch her sister," Merc answered, "Kicks almost as hard as I do. She's got a nice set of legs though. Saw her panties at least."

"Why is _he_ here?!" Adam pointed at Branwen, who was back to his feet and stumbling as he made his departure.

"Got his booze, said some shit about you. Disgusted the girls enough to make 'em leave. Ren took the food to Nora too, since we barely got to eat any. Selfish bastard."

"What? How long have they been gone?"

"Only a few minutes. Probably out the door by now. Why?"

"…I have to make things right."

"Wow. That's a first- _OOF!"_

Dropping Black to the floor, Adam ran out of the dining room, shoving Qrow into a wall for good measure as he went to stop Miltia from leaving. He nearly fell all the way down the steps when he saw the twins step out the front door. _"Wait! Miltia! Do not leave!"_

Miltia looked behind her in surprise, but narrowed her eyes at the sight of Adam. "Sorry, but this date is, like, _over."_

"You're all freakin' crazy here," Melanie added, "Come on Miltia. Junior's waiting for us."

"At least hear me out, Miltia," Adam skipped steps to reach the twins faster, "Whatever those two up there said about me… It is probably true. Except the rape part. I am not a rapist."

"You're a lot of other things, apparently," Miltia said, "None of them being things I thought were, like, interesting about you that made me want to see you… You seemed like a good guy. But I didn't expect this."

"I understand that. But I… I fear that I was not read for this date yet. There… There was someone I was very attached to that I recently let go, you see. I was infatuated with her for the longest time, yet she did not care about me anymore because of what I had become. I am doing the best I can now to become the man I was before, but it is not an easy process. The man up there I went to for advice was the wrong choice… There was another I should have turned to. And I… _I am sorry_ you had to experience this."

Miltia looked to her feet, rubbing her arm. "If you weren't ready, then you should have just said so. Like, I have a tendency to leap into things like this too quickly. Chatting online for only a few hours is, like, probably too little a time to get to know you before making a date."

"True that," Melanie said from aside.

"Then would you perhaps like to try this again?" Adam suggested, "I leave this house in ten days. Would that be enough time for us to talk online and become more familiar with each other?"

Miltia looked to her sister, who shrugged saying it was her decision. After a brief moment, Miltia smiled and nodded at Adam. "Totally. I'd like that, Adam."

For the first time in a long while, Adam felt his lips curl up into what could be considered a smile.

"Very well. I will speak with you tomorrow, then?"

"Definitely."

Giving Miltia a small wave as she and her sister got into Junior's car, Adam closed the door and let out a big breath of relief. There was only one thing left to do now.

* * *

The Lieutenant sat alone in his room again, having just said goodbye to Penny a short while ago. Being able to talk to someone as attentive as her about his feelings was a godsend; the quirky girl was enthusiastic about every little thing, and he felt no shame in going into excruciating detail about his story. He'd definitely have to have a chat with her again-

"Hello, Lieutenant."

Eyes springing wide from behind his mask, the big guy nearly fell from his chair as he spun around to see Adam standing in his room. The sudden excitement was soon overcome by grief, knowing that things between them would never be how he wanted. "Hey, Adam… How was the date?"

"Horrible. Mercury did what he usually does and messed it up."

"Oh. So are you not going to see her again?"

"Not exactly. Miltia and I are going to talk more and make amends for tonight."

"That's good, I guess," the big guy said, trying his best to feel optimistic, "Did she seem nice?"

"From what little I was with her, yes. There was some communication trouble because of Mercury's advice, and I didn't exactly talk with her very well. Which is why _you're_ going to help me."

"…What?" the Lieutenant wasn't sure if he had just heard that, "You want _me_ to help? But you told me-

"The past is the past, Lieutenant. Anything I may have said is dead and gone now. The time has come to make amends."

"So… you mean-

"I expect only the finest of advice from you, Lieutenant. After reading how much you care for me on that letter, I want you to help me gain that same kind of compassion for someone of my own choosing."

"You read the letter, huh?" the big guy shuffled nervously in his seat, "I guess that someone of your choosing would never be me, would it?"

This was the part Adam wasn't looking forward to. Sighing, he sat down on one of the beds and looked the big guy in the eyes. "No. No, it is not you. But that doesn't mean I despise you. And if you really care about me, then you will understand that I do not desire a physical relationship with you."

"I know, Adam. I've come to terms with that, but it's still hard, you know? When you're in love with someone for so long and they don't return the favor. It hurts…"

Adam smirked. He and this guy really were more similar than he had thought.

"I know that pain too. Believe me. So, why don't we, as two lonely dark souls, try to find someone we can have for ourselves? Aside from each other. I must stress that point."

Chuckling, the Lieutenant held out his hand to Adam. "You really do have a way with words, sir."

"Sir? Weren't you calling me Adam just a moment ago?"

"Didn't feel right. Something about being outranked by you just makes me all tingly down below."

Some thing would never change, apparently. Shaking hands, the animosity between the two drifted out the window as Adam stood to his feet. "So. That was that."

"You know sir, I'm honestly surprised with you lately," the big guy said, "First letting Blake go, then being so forgiving, and now you want to date a _human!_ You've changed more in two days than others would change over two years!"

"… _Human?_ What are you talking about?"

"Uh, Miltia. She's human."

"No. She's a wolverine Faunus. She had the claws and everything. Why would you think she's human?"

"I looked up her profile, sir. Those were _weapons_. She's 100% flesh and blood _human."_

"…This whole turning over a new leaf thing is going to be much more difficult than I imagined."


	58. Infestation X Infiltration

_**Thanks for responding to that last question, everyone! I'll keep with the usual pace of chapter releases due to the pretty much unanimous opinion.**_

* * *

 _ **Day 21/30**_

* * *

" _Heeeeey, Yang~!"_

Ruby poked her head into her sister's room, a big stupid grin on her face. Yang knew exactly why she was acting this way; it was that time of year again. Prancing over to her sister's bunkbed, Ruby peered up onto the second mattress with only the top of her head and her silver eyes visible to Yang. The blonde put down her video game to humor her.

"What's up, sis?" Yang asked, already aware of the answer.

"Oh, you know. Nothing much. Just a certain day is coming up and all. Not a very important one, but it's still coming."

"Huh. I don't know what day you're talking about at all." The blonde smirked. She knew just how to agitate her little sister when it came to this. It was the same routine every year.

"Ha-ha, Yang. I'm not falling for that trick again. We _both_ know _you_ know which day _I_ know about!"

"What day we talking about?"

" _Gah!"_ Ruby screamed at the new voice, falling back off her sister's bed and onto the floor with a thud. She looked across the room at Sun, who had poked his head out from underneath his covers to reveal his presence. _"Sun!_ Don't scare me like that!"

"How long have you been under there?" Yang asked the monkey.

"The whole time. Was trying to take a nap till Rubes came in and woke me up."

"Not watching TV for once?"

"Cinder has the remote. I won't be caught dead watching soap operas."

"Stop changing the subject!" Ruby interjected, flailing her arms angrily, "We're supposed to be talking about my _birthday!"_

Yang hopped down from her bunk to help her sister up. "And she finally says it."

"It's no fun to just come out and say it! It makes me feel greedy for presents."

"But isn't that the truth?"

"…You win this round."

"So when's the big day?" Sun asked, finally getting out of his bed and yawning.

"Nine days away, actually! I bet Ozpin planned this so it would fall on the last day. He's clever like that."

"Or maybe just dumb luck," Yang suggested otherwise.

"So…" Ruby said slyly before zooming in close to her sister's face for an interrogation, "Did you get me anything yet? Huh? Did ya?"

"Maybe… or maybe not."

" _Stop being so cryptic Yang!"_

Before Ruby could grill her sister any further, there was another visitor at the door. Velvet peered around the corner, one of her ears wrapped up in a bandage. "Hey everybody…"

"Velvet!" Yang rushed over to the Faunus to get a better look at her injury, "What happened? Did you get your ear caught in the fridge again?"

"Not exactly," Velvet said, rubbing her wound, "It's something we need your help with, actually."

"We? What do you mean by that?"

"It's outside, actually. Come with me."

The two girls left immediately, leaving Ruby and Sun alone. They looked at each other, unsure of what to say. "Say Ruby… We don't talk to each other very much, do we?"

"Not really, no."

Silence.

"Well, I'll see ya later then!"

"Ditto."

* * *

A small group of housemates were standing outside when Yang and Velvet arrived on the scene. To the former's surprise, all of them had little red marks on their body. Penny was busy applying bandages to their injuries when she spotted the blonde savior.

"Hello, Yang!" Penny said, knocking Roman over as she jumped up to try and hug Yang. The blonde grasped her by the shoulders to hold her back from crushing her spine.

"What's the problem here, everyone?" Yang asked everyone around her.

"That," Roman grunted, with Neo pointing up to the house to show her the problem. Just above the window to Yang's room hung a big brown nest, with little black rapier wasps hovering around it. "Those little bastards have been sneaking in the house and stinging us all morning."

"I was just brushing my hair when one got me on the ear," Velvet said, stroking her ear again, "I'm not sure why they're so aggressive."

"I volunteered to go retrieve the nest, but Velvet refused to see me get stung," Penny added, "I still feel like I could be very useful in this situation, but I would hate to go against her wishes!"

The most injured was Nora, lying back on the grass covered in little red lumps. "Avenge me, Yang! Don't be defeated as I have been!"

"Maybe you shouldn't have started swinging a broom at them then," Roman mumbled at Nora.

" _The best defense is a better offense!"_

"But why me?" Yang asked, "I'm not exactly an expert at getting rid of pests."

"Yeah, about that," Roman gestured to Neo, who brought up a randomizer app on her phone with every housemate's name on it. Yang's name sat at the top of the list "Lady Luck said otherwise. Besides, you're tough. A couple bugs shouldn't bother you any, right?"

Sighing, Yang looked up at her target. "Wasn't there any repellent in the shed?"

"Yes," Velvet nodded, "But there isn't a ladder big enough to reach the nest. If we opened a window even more would get inside."

Yang needed a plan, and she needed it quick. While the best strategy was probably to wait until nightfall so the wasps would become less active, it would mean others might get stung throughout the rest of the day. The nest needed to go now. Looking around the yard, she noticed a square machine tucked away behind some hedges. She soon realized what it was, and a plan came to mind. "Alright, guys. Velvet and Penny, you take Nora inside and get her out of the field of battle. Don't need her getting stung anymore. Roman and Neo, I need you two for backup. One of you go get some pillows from inside. I got a plan that's going to give those bugs something to buzz about."

* * *

"This is a horrible plan you know!"

Crouched down behind a plank of plywood, Roman shook his head at the ridiculous scheme Yang had cooked up. Beside him sat a power washer, humming loudly and in the crime boss's ear. Its hose led around Roman's cover to Yang, ready to wield her high-pressure weapon. Pulling her sunglasses over her eyes, she gave Roman the signal.

"When I say go, turn that bad boy on!" Yang looked to her left at Neo, hiding behind the bushes with insecticide in her hands and pillows strapped around her exposed skin as a sort of cushiony armor, "Neo! As soon as it falls, run over and hit them with the worst mist they'll ever feel!"

"This isn't going to work!" Roman shouted back, the strategist ignoring his plea completely.

" _Now, Roman! GO!"_

Rolling his eyes, Roman flipped the switch. The humming sound cranked up to eleven as the machine did its thing, sending water rushing up the hose at high speed. Yang's nozzle erupted, and the blonde was caught off guard by how powerful the stream was.

What happened next was the physical representation of a plan getting fucked up.

* * *

" _Lilac, please… I don't want to lose you…!"_

Wiping her eyes as her favorite character abandoned her fiancé, Cinder reached over for another box of tissues. Normally she wouldn't express such emotion in such a high-traffic area of the house, but a season finale such as this was too important not to watch on the big screen.

"Damn this show…" Cinder sniffed before blowing her nose. She tossed the dirty tissue into the pile on the couch as the program went to commercial. The ad for drainage protection sounded unusually loud this time, the rumbling sound of thunderstorms literally echoing around the room.

Cinder realized too late the sound wasn't coming from the advertisement.

Suddenly, the front window exploded into shards of glass and an immense stream of water shot in front of Cinder. Ducking down for cover, Cinder tried to catch her breath as the sudden burst of water vanished as quickly as it had arrived.

"...I don't even want to know what's going on out there right now."

* * *

" _Whoa there!"_ Yang grinned, finally gaining control over the hose after dropping it for a split second, "Don't run off on me again like that, you hear!"

"Nice going, blondie!" Roman yelled from behind cover, "You punched a goddamn hole in the house!"

"Just a bit of collateral damage! Nothing major!" Looking up at the swarm of bees above, Yang took aim at her target. "Hey bugs! Its _BEE-n_ nice knowing ya!"

The stream of water burst through the nest like a knife through butter, its remains plummeting to the ground below. Dozens of bees tried their best to fly away, their wings too soaked to keep them airborne. Once Roman turned the machine off, Yang pointed in the next player's direction. "Now, Neo! Go for- _Neo?"_

No Neo in sight.

"Where'd she go?!" Yang turned to Roman for an answer. The crime boss just shrugged in response.

"I don't know! Probably just didn't wanna get stung again, I guess!"

"But we put the armor on her and everything!"

"Those were pillows, blondie. _Freaking pillows."_

"Then we'll have to do this ourselves!" Yang narrowed her eyes as the horde of insects still flying around the former spot of their nest set their sights on the two. Not noticing that Roman had fled to shelter inside, Yang ran over and grabbed the cans of insecticide Neo had left behind and prepared for the worst.

" _COME GET SOME!"_

* * *

" _Ow!"_

Lying on the floor of her room, Yang winced as Penny pulled out yet another stinger from her arm. Velvet and Ruby sat nearby, having come to check up on the wounded fighter.

"Don't worry, Yang!" Penny said, pinching her tweezers, "Only one more to go!"

"Finally…" Yang sighed, preparing for the next removal.

"I'm sorry we made you do that, Yang," Velvet apologized, "We shouldn't have just dragged you out there without warning."

"Look on the bright side," Ruby followed, trying to be optimistic, "All the wasps are dead, and at least they didn't get you on the face!"

"Can't say the same for my legs. Or my boobs. Or my _hands- Ouch!"_

All done!" Penny patted her patient on the arm before standing, "I'll be right back with some bandages!"

The cybernetic girl left the room, giving Ruby a chance to interrogate Yang for more info on her birthday plans. She bounded down the staircase into the lounge, waving at Ren as he installed some wood to cover up the broken window pane. Walking to the storage room, she felt something strange coming from nearby. A chilling, cold sensation; odd, because she usually didn't experience such physical sensations.

Looking around, she found the source of it: a closet, just by the TV. Penny approached it, debating whether she should open it herself or let anyone else know.

The moment her hand touched the knob, everything just-

"Penny? Ren had noticed her leaning against the wall, seemingly in pain. He dropped his tools and walked over to check on her. "Are you okay?"

What Ren didn't see was the small purple glint in her eyes before her new occupant turned to him, grinning widely at his future victim.

"Just grand, Lie Ren," Virulet spoke through Penny's voice, "I've never felt more _alive."_


	59. Sweet Dreams of Rock and Roll

"Uhn… What happened?"

Her vision returning, Penny lurched forward in her seat. Looking around, she found herself sitting outside on the balcony under the night sky. What was she doing out here? She was just inside a second ago getting bandages for Yang. The last thing she remembered was touching the closet door when-

" _Gah-!"_

As a breeze blew threw her hair, she felt that strange sensation come over her again, this time from inside her. She gripped her chest, the source of her power and aura, when she heard a voice coming from seemingly nowhere.

"Do not worry," the voice rasped, laughing to itself, "I am only finishing up the symbiosis, so don't try to resist. If you do, then I'll gladly increase the pain you are feeling by tenfold! _Mwah-ha-ha!"_

"I don't understand…" Penny felt herself being forced back into a reclining position. Unable to control her own movements, "What is… _What's going on?!"_ Clenching her hands on the chair, she tried to call out for Ruby, for somebody to help her. Her parasite would have none of it, and locked the servos of her mouth.

"None of that now, sweet child," Virulet soothed, "Your friends don't need to know about this yet. Be thankful I brought those bandages to Xiao Long as you promised to and didn't eviscerate her on the spot. Their response of kindness for my action was sickening! Though, I must savor cheerful personality is quite difficult to replicate. A whole day of being stuck in it… The urge to break character and start the slaughter was a most tempting action!"

Wincing, Penny could feel the A.I probing her mind, invading every thought and feeling saved within. Virulet viewed them all and memorized them in nearly an instant; if there was one thing he was grateful of Salem for, it was giving him such powerful processing capabilities.

"Ah, I see it all now," Virulet said as finished hacking Penny's intelligence, "You care about these flesh-bags living here quite a bit. Especially… _Ruby Rose."_

Virulet felt the girl trying to move again out of fear for her friend's safety, and tightened the lock on her body even more.

"Oh don't worry. I will gladly kill her first, and spare her the pain of watching the rest of her allies fall one by one. I was programmed with some prior information regarding her and three other individuals. She referred to them as the _Latent 4_ I must be cautious of in case Ozpin lowers the barrier locking their semblances within them. Their abilities could bring much harm to me… or, to put more correctly, _my host body."_

When Penny tried to examine the A.I's thoughts that had been fused with her own, she felt herself being kicked out and restrained, as if he was putting some sort of firewall around her own free will. Who were the other three living here besides Ruby he was wary of?

"I want you to know that there is no need to be afraid. By the time that time comes when I must dispose of you all, I may not even need your body anymore. You resist me too much, and I cannot have that occurring during a time as vital as the day of the slaughter. As long as it is metal and electronic like you, I can possess it! Even a pile of scrap would be more useful than yourself! _Mwah-ha-ha! Yes!_ _Cower in fear as I, Lord Sir Virulet the 13_ _th_ _, take over your entire life!"_

Feeling her will to resist begin to shut down, all Penny could see from her open eyes was an endless stream of purple lines of code clouding her vision as the A.I took over her eyes and everything else just:

 _Vanished._

"Oh, my dear Penny Polendina," Virulet soothed as he finished his complete takeover of the girl, "I want you to know, as you fall into a most unpleasant sleep, that it is in their happiest moment - during the time that your comrades are at their most joyful - that I will bring upon them _a most glorious demise_ … So with that, I bid you sweet dreams."

With full control now his, Virulet stood from the chair and stretched out his host's arms, realizing he may have tightened them a bit too much. For now, he would have to wait until the time to strike was right before he could have any fun of his own. "Hm, yes. That was quite the dastardly monologue... I must prepare more like it! But first…"

Virulet cleared his digital throat, adjusting the tone of his voice. "Check, check! One-two!" he said in Penny's voice, making sure his own drastically different vocals wouldn't be projected from the host's internal speakers, "Excellent! Those fools will never suspect that I am amidst their ranks! _Mwah-ha-ha!_ This plan is so diabolical I can feel a pounding in my audio receptors! Yes, it is- _Wait a minute._ Why is it getting louder?And why is there- _AGH!"_

He covered Penny's ears as the sound began to disorient his host's sensory centers, which also caused him pain in turn. Realizing that the source of the pounding wasn't from the intensity of his scheme, Virulet turned to the house where the sound of guitars and harsh vocals was echoing from the halls.

" _What in the name of scat-covered Hell is that infernal noise?!"_

* * *

" _MERCURY! TURN THAT DOWN!"_

The moment she had stepped out of the shower and turned the water off, Weiss was greeted to the sound of heavy metal blaring in the hall. Not being a very big fan of the genre, she dressed herself quickly and ran to stop the source of the noise. Pounding on the door to Black's room, Weiss covered her ears once more when the 5-Star Man poked his head out and the rock music only increased in loudness.

" _YOU WANT SOMETHING, PRINCESS?"_

" _TURN THAT MUSIC DOWN! IT IS TOO LATE AT NIGHT FOR-_

" _SORRY! CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF THIS KILLER NEW ALBUM I PIRATED!"_

" _I SAID TURN IT-_

Before Weiss could finish, the door slammed shut in her face as Merc turned the music up even louder than before. Yelling to the sky in frustration, Weiss stomped down the hall and saw someone else was not appreciating the late-night jam session. "I take it you can't sleep either, Emerald?"

"Not just me," Sustrai said, "A lot of us are downstairs trying to find somewhere quiet to rest, but we can still hear it all. Arc and Nikos can't even get back in the room to get their stuff. Merc locked them out apparently so he could listen to it in peace."

"He considers that noise peaceful?" Weiss rolled her eyes, "And I guess he locked Taurus out too?"

"I don't know where he is, and I don't really care to know either."

Weiss sighed, folding her arms. "I refuse to let him get away with this. He needs to learn about respect for others."

"Yeah, right," Emerald snorted, "All that jerkoff cares about is himself, money, and sex. I bet he'd shut it off completely if some bimbo came to seduce him."

Weiss looked over Emerald and the tight-fitting tank she was wearing. "Maybe you could try and-

"No. _Never._ Wouldn't work anyways. He knows I hate his guts. Me trying to seduce him would just make him laugh until he pisses his pants."

"Well, I'm certainly not going to do it," Weiss said, "We just need to find someone who will."

"Good luck with that. No girl here would be willing to put themselves in a position like that just for the sake of others. Except maybe Ruby or Penny, but I doubt they'd even understand what to do."

Going through a list of girls living here in her head, Schnee landed on one she thought might just be selfless enough to perform such a degrading act. "I wouldn't speak like that so soon, Emerald…"

* * *

"A-And you're sure this will work, Weiss?" Velvet stuttered, holding her robe tightly around her body as Weiss finished fastening the Faunus' heels. To say Velvet was uncomfortable was an understatement, but what she was going to do was for the sake of everyone. She had been left at this house on a whim with no warning, and needed to do something to make up for her sudden intrusion into their lives, no matter how scantily clad she had to be while doing so.

"If Mercury is as predictable as we think he is, then yes," Schnee responded, standing up and patting Velvet on the shoulder, "Just follow the plan, and you should be out of there without him even laying a hand on you."

"But I'm not worried about that at all! He might be rough around the edges, but he is kinda cute…"

"Ew. Just ew," Emerald gagged, handing Velvet her contribution to the plan, "Use this if he tries his system on you."

"What system?"

"You don't want to know, trust me. He told me once just so I wouldn't want to talk to him for a week."

"Okay then," Velvet tightened her robe even more, "I'll do my best, guys…"

With Weiss and Em giving her thumbs up as she approached Mercury's room, Velvet breathed in and knocked on the door. After knocking much harder a second time, Merc answered and eyed her curiously. Sensing an opportunity of sexual nature, he used his speaker remote to turn his music down a bit. He needed her to at least hear his words of seduction, or this might result in yet another failure.

"Ah, the new girl," Black grinned, "Velvet, right?"

"Y-Yes… My name is Velvet."

"What a _beautiful_ name. So, can I help you with something?"

"Well, I… um…" Nervously tugging at the edges of her robe, Velvet couldn't help but blush as she gave Black a peek at what she was wearing underneath (or what little she was wearing, to be exact). "I was hoping we could… get to know each other… a bit more personally?"

 _Score._ Mercury grinned from ear to ear at the thoughts of getting this girl under his covers. However, he wouldn't be a 5-Star Man if he couldn't get her to reveal just a bit more to him before they began.

"Sorry, Velvet," Merc said slyly, stroking his chin, "But I didn't quite catch that bit of outfit you showed me under that obstructing robe of yours. Why don't you just take it off for me before we start?"

" _Uh…!"_ That caught her off guard. Velvet looked down the hall at Weiss and Em for guidance. While the former just shrugged, the latter pointed at her hip to suggest using the item Velvet had received from her. Guess she had no choice… "O-Okay, then."

Undoing the robe completely, Merc's jaw dropped as he gazed upon Velvet's body, clad in a one-piece bunny swimsuit complete with fishnets stockings from the Lieutenant's wardrobe (who was happy to have lent them to the girls for this scheme). Her face a beat red, she saw Black's hand's reaching out to touch her as the 5 Star-Man skipped all the way to the 3rd step of the MERC System: _Reach Around_. Not wanting to be groped, she took Emerald's advice and drew her weapon.

" _I'M SORRY!"_ Velvet apologized as she whacked Mercury across the face with a kitchen spatula. Knocking the douche to the ground, she hopped over him into the room and ran to his speakers. She popped his MP3 player from the speaker jack and made a run for it, covering her indecency as she fled to somewhere she could hide her half-naked body.

A grill mark on his cheek, Merc rubbed his bruise and stood to his feet. "Ngh… Well, we've got a feisty one on our hands. Those are the fun ones…"

"Even in defeat, he's still an ass," Emerald groaned.

"Look on the bright side," Weiss said, "At least the house is quiet again."

" _Rejoice!"_ the voice of Nora hollered from downstairs, as others began cheering, "Rejoice as the quiet time returns upon us!"

Weiss and Em shared a glance to acknowledge the irony of Valkyrie's praise before heading to join them, both pleased by the lack of guitar riffs pounding in their brains. As Merc shut the door to his room, he noticed some shuffling coming from one of the beds. Adam's head soon poked out from underneath the covers, and the White Fang leader rubbed his tired eyes.

"Where has the music gone?" Adam yawned, "It was quite a soothing tune."

"…How long have you been under there?"

"A few hours, I believe."

"Did you see anything?"

"I was sleeping. What do you think?"

"Okay. Because I totally wasn't playing air guitar this whole time. _At all._ Just going to stress that fact."

"Why would you even say that if it didn't happen?"

"…Just go the fuck to sleep Adam."

* * *

A few hours later, from a closed bathroom door:

"Hello? Anyone there? Its Velvet… C-Can anyone hear me? I need some clothes here… I'm pretty cold in here… _Weiss? Emerald? Anyone?!"_


	60. Jaune Cena

_**Day 22/30**_

* * *

 _ **WARNING:**_

 _What you are about to witness are stunts performed by individuals with no formal training in professional wrestling techniques. These actions are dangerous, and may result in extreme bodily harm to you, your friends, or innocent bystanders just trying to watch a few dumbasses try and hurt each other through ridiculous means._

 _For your sake, and for the sake of your stupid little buddies, please don't try any of this at home._

 _Or you could just ignore this completely and go get yourself killed._

 _Or disabled._

 _Or humiliated._

 _Any of those three will probably happen, but most likely that last one._

* * *

"Ren, you really need to stop Nora from watching TV," Jaune said to his teammate as he laced up his shoes behind a stack of cardboard boxes, "And when I say that, I mean never let her watch it again. _Especially_ pro wrestling. There are certain things she doesn't need to recreate, and this is probably the biggest one aside from horror films."

Sighing, Ren peeked out to the makeshift ring in the middle of the lawn where some of their fellow housemates had set up chairs to watch the upcoming match. "I cannot help that she is very impressionable. Not to mention that her charisma rubs off on certain people…"

"You mean Xiao Long, right?" Mercury asked, wrapping his hands up in wrist tape, "Honestly, I don't mind. The bustier the girl I wrestle with, the better."

"But why did _I_ have to be your partner?" Jaune pointed to himself, "I don't know the first thing about wrestling!"

"It's just a formality, Arc. Ren's girlfriend-

" _Friend._ Just friend. Not girlfriend."

"Keep tellin' yourself that, pal. Anyways, it's a tag team match. That requires four people, not three. Believe me, I'd rather it just be me and those lovely ladies in the ring alone, but you'll be a good meat shield if anything."

"Well that makes me feel as self-confident as ever," Jaune groaned, taking a look at the 'arena' himself. He gasped when he saw Pyrrha sitting in the front row, eagerly awaiting his in-ring debut. "If I even walk out the ring with any confidence left, that is…"

"Relax, Arc," Merc cracked his knuckles, ready to get physical, "If things between you and her go sour after this, I'll take her off your hands if you want."

"Gee, thanks partner."

"At least Nora isn't competing today," Ren said, trying to bring some positivity to the conversation, "Those wasp stings really did a number on her yesterday. She can barely move without saying ouch."

"If only Yang hadn't recovered as quickly," Jaune took a deep breath, preparing for the incoming beating, "Let's just get this over with."

* * *

" _The following contest is scheduled for - OW! - one-fall!"_ Nora shouted into her megaphone, nearly blasting out everyone's ear drums. She sat at ringside in a reclining chair, covered in bandages and smelling of soothing cream. Ruby cheered from her own seat, shoveling candy into her mouth as Weiss looked at her in disapproval.

"This is gonna be so cool!" Ruby grinned with a mouthful of chocolate, "I mean, the dodgeball thing was fun, but now I get to watch instead of getting hurt!"

"Manners, Ruby," Weiss said, taking her friend's bag of sweets away, "And don't get so excited. This ridiculous contest hasn't even started yet."

Chuckling as he eavesdropped on their conversation, Virulet couldn't help but talk to himself. "Oh, but what is there not to be excited about? _Carnage, violence, brutality…_ All performed for _my_ viewing pleasure! _Mwah-ha-ha!"_

"Uh, you alright there, kiddo?" Roman asked, noticing not-Penny's bizarre behavior. Virulet realized he had spoken too loudly, and scrambled to correct his mistake.

"Salutations, friend! Everything is peachy here! Yes! Nothing suspicious here, not at all! Just me, _Penny Polendina!"_

"…I'll take that as a yes."

The nearby speakers erupted with the sound of shattering glass and a guitar riff as the first two contestants ran out from the house's front door to the ring. Both were clad in white bath towels, thrown over their heads like cloaks.

" _Introducing first!"_ Nora announced, _"The team of Yang Xiao Long and Neopolitan:_ _The Baked Alaskans!"_

At the sound of their team name, both girls threw off their hoods. Yang whipped her hair back and raised her fist to the crowd, letting out a big woo. Neo, on the other hand, kept quiet and ducked under the elastic bands that acted as the ring ropes, bouncing on the mattresses making up the ring itself to test their durability. Once Yang finished her theatrics and got in the ring, the reluctant referee approached them.

"Your robes," Blake requested, completely monotone and disinterested in her job.

"Come on, Blake!" Yang said, handing over her extra attire, "Put a smile on that face!"

"I don't think so. The only reason Nora is making me do this is because I only ever wear black and white."

"See? You were made for this then! A natural born-

"Just go to your corner, Yang."

The Baked Alaskans music died down, and a long period of silence followed. People in the crowd started to trade glances at the strange occurrence, and Nora whipped her head around to her tech guy for some sort of answer. "What's going on back there?"

"I don't know how to change the track!" Adam said, holding the MP3 player upside down.

"Right arrow! Right!"

"My right or your right?"

"Uh… yours?"

Adam pressed the button, and a song did play all right, but it wasn't the one Merc and Jaune had picked out for themselves. Instead of one about getting down with the sickness, they heard the sound of someone singing about milkshakes and how they bring individuals to the yard.

"Oh, I love this song!" the Lieutenant clapped giddily, "Makes me wish I had some milkshakes of my own right now!"

" _Goddammit!"_ Merc spat, kicking over a cardboard box, "That isn't our song!"

"Just go with it dude," Jaune sighed, trudging out to the ring, "Won't change the outcome of this match anyways."

" _And their opponents,"_ Nora shouted, _"Jaune Arc and Mercury Black: The Golden Gods!"_

The crowd stayed awkwardly silent as the two guys walked to the ring. Mercury was too busy cursing to himself about the botched entrance theme and Jaune looked like he was about to be executed. Seeing his dismay, Pyrrha felt he could use some encouragement.

"Let's go, Jaune!" Pyrrha shouted, happily, "You'll do great!"

"He's going to lose, you know," Cinder leaned over and said.

"As long as he utilizes our training I believe he will do just fine."

"I don't think that is going to matter. This is _no disqualification,_ Nikos."

"…Oh dear."

Entering the ring, Merc removed his shirt and tossed it into the crowd. It landed on Emerlad's lap, who gagged and threw it off of her immediately. "Great. Now I have to shower again."

"Okay Arc," Merc said, pushing Jaune into their corner, "Just stay over here and don't move. I'll tag you in once I get my fill of those babes' bodies."

"I have a feeling you're not even going to tag me in."

"Probably not, no."

"Figured."

Leaning in her own corner of the ring, Blake pulled out a book and waved her hand at Velvet just outside the ropes. "Ring the bell, I guess."

"Okay!" Velvet nodded, tapping a glass cup with a spoon, "Let the match begin!"

Turning to his opponent, Merc grinned when he saw Neo standing before him. He looked over her outfit, a tight-fitting tank top, and picked out his first area of attack. "Now don't worry, Neo I ain't gonna hurt you. Just gonna- Huh?"

Neo held out a closed fist to him and winked. She opened her hand and blew into it, sending a shower of white powder into his eyes. It took a second before Black's eyes began to burn.

" _AGH!"_ Merc keeled over, clutching his face, _"Is-Is that salt?! Oh, Jesus Christ! Who even does that?! AGH, SHIT!"_

"Huh," Yang said, scratching their head, "Didn't expect her to do that."

" _YEAH!"_ Emerald roared in excitement at Merc's suffering, thrusting her fist in the air, "Put 'em in a bodybag Neo!"

"Blake!" Jaune shouted at the referee, "Didn't you see that? Disqualify her!"

"No rules," Blake replied, not even looking away from her book, "No disqualifications or whatever."

" _No rules-?!"_

" _Wait, Neo!"_ Mercury begged, still clearing out his eyes, _"Can't we talk this out?!"_

Another dose of salt was her answer.

" _Gahgh! Stop throwing salt, you bitch- ack!"_

Neo kicked him in the chest, knocking him towards Jaune. The blinded Golden God tagged his partner in and he rolled out of the ring to safety.

" _Where are you going?!"_ Jaune shouted as Black crawled away.

" _Fuck this shit! They're all yours- Agh, it burns!"_

Gulping, Jaune turned slowly to Neo, grinning at him maniacally. "You know, I think if I get in there, you're just going to throw salt in my eyes, so I'm just going to leave-

Jaune felt a heavy hand grasp his shoulder, and saw Yang standing behind him. "Sorry, Jaune. I can't let that happen~!"

"… _Uh-oh."_

Hoisting the noodle over her head, Yang tossed Arc into the ring. She joined Neo and bumped fists with her before they stood him back up. They threw his arms over their shoulders and lifted him up for a double suplex. Jaune crashed to the cushiony mat, his head bouncing off of it.

"Let's go Yang!" Ruby cheered for her sister.

"Yes!" Virulet followed, _"Annihilate him!_ Crush him into a pile of dust!"

Roman gave him another odd look.

"Uh, I mean… I like having friends! Friends are fun!"

" _Whoo!"_ Emerald cheered again, nearly knocking Cinder's drink from her hands as she jumped to her feet, _"Get the tables!"_

"Did someone say tables?" Yang smiled devilishly. She exited the ring, grabbing a card table from the pile of objects Nora had instructed to be left at ringside and brought it through the ropes.

"You gotta be kiddin' me…!" Jaune's eyes widened, and he looked to Yang for mercy, "Come on, Yang! We're friends, right?"

"Of course! This wrestling thing is all an act, you know. Just putting on a show for everyone!"

" _Well the pain doesn't feel like much of an act!"_

"Jaune!" Pyrrha covered her mouth in shock as Neo twisted around him and put him into a Figure Four leglock to keep him from escaping, "Someone needs to help him!"

"Wait!" Sun yelled, pointing into the distance, "Who's that running to the ring?!"

All eyes turned to the mystery figure, clad in a green bodysuit and pink mask. He leapt into the ring, taking a jujitsu stance. His eyes narrowed as Neo released Jaune to confront him.

" _Oh my Gawd!"_ Nora bellowed into her megaphone, _"A mystery figure has entered the ring! Who could it be?!"_

"What's up, Ren?" Yang greeted the newcomer as she finished setting up the table, grabbing Jaune by the arm and pulling him to his doom.

"Help me, Ren!" Jaune begged, flailing desperately in an attempt to escape.

Rolling his eyes at his secret identity being blown, Ren performed a series of martial arts combos towards Neo, attempting to intimidate her. When that didn't work, he decided to strike. Unfortunately, Neo saw his lunge coming from a mile away, and sidestepped just as he tried to dropkick her. Unable to stop his momentum, Ren's flew past Yang and Jaune and right out of the ring. He landed into the heap of objects, his brief spotlight already burned out.

"Well, that was something," Yang deadpanned, turning back to her opponent, "Now where were we- _WHOA!"_

Hearing her partner, Neo spun around to help but felt herself being lifted off the ground. She gasped at Jaune, who was holding both her and Yang over his shoulders. With all his might and a revitalized fire in his eyes, Jaune let out a mighty shout as he flipped both girls into the card table. The Baked Alaskans crumpled onto the broken furniture, Yang's boobs pushing Neo's face into the mat.

" _What a twist!"_ Nora laughed as she called the action, _"After all of that, Jaune Arc has turned the tables completely! Or should I say broken the tables completely?"_

Flipping his body onto the girls, Jaune looked at Blake for the three count. "Ref! Count! _Now!_ End this!"

"Huh?" Blake put her book down for a second before diving into it again, "Oh. _Three._ You win. Yaaay…"

"Yes!" Pyrrha clapped, hopping out of her seat, "Way to go, Jaune!"

" _I did it! I did it!"_ Jaune shouted, jumping to his feet and striking a pose. However, not everyone in the crowd was happy with the outcome.

" _Boo!"_ Emerald jeered throwing her drink at Jaune, "That was a fast count!"

"Not enough blood- I mean, violence!" Virulet tried to correct himself, "No wait! I mean- _Oh, damn it all!"_

"Rematch!" Ruby called to Nora, "One more round!"

"C-Come on, guys," Jaune was sweating now, "This was fun and all, but do you really want to see me get beaten up like that?"

"He's right," Yang panted, leaning against the ring ropes as her partner joined her, "None of us want to see _him_ get beaten up. Jaune caught us off guard and pinned us, fair and square. I think it's his _partner_ that needs to learn a bit of courage and step into the ring."

About twenty feet from the ring, Mercury felt pairs of eyes staring him down as he crawled away on the ground. Still slightly blinded by the salt, he felt someone grab him by the ankles and start to pull him back to the ring. _"Oh no… No, no, no!"_

"Come on now, Mercury," Emerald said while throwing him into the ring, "A little bit of salt shouldn't keep a _5-Star Man_ down, now should it?"

"Is this wrong?" Pyrrha asked Jaune as he joined her in the crowd, "I know Mercury can be a jerk at times, but isn't this a bit much?"

"Maybe," Jaune said as Neo and Yang began their assault on Black, "But Merc always wanted to be double teamed by two girls at once. I'd say this is just fulfilling that wish-

" _And Neo uses the salt on Black once again!"_

"…Or maybe not."


	61. Gotta Love Them All

No matter your background, be it a simple postman, a powerful fighter, or a quiet assassin, there is one thing that everyone strives to be in life:

To be the very best, like no one ever was.

When the time comes that you find someone whose skill surpasses your own, you may feel the urge to rise up and become better yourself so you may show that person you aren't a pushover.

That there is the real test, and to overcome it is your cause.

Some may even travel the land, searching far and wide to discover the way they can develop their skills to their highest potential, to understand the power that's inside…

But not Neo.

No, for this silent young lady it meant spending all of her free time grinding, battling, and breeding to create the perfect _Chinpocketmon_ possible. Even among the many sidetracks thrown her way by her housemates, not even the stinging of insects or some professional wrestling could prevent her from this quest many would find trivial.

For five whole days Neo had been piecing together a nigh-perfect team of _Chinpocketmon_ to best her recent tag team partner Yang. The blonde had bested her at this game, and only this game: to Neo, that meant she couldn't claim her title of 'The Queen of Games' until she could prove to her rival that she was the better _Chinpocketmon_ trainer.

Though it had been less than a week spent with them, Neo had become quite fond of her small party of 6 monsters. Having memorized Yang's own team, she had made sure to obtain monsters that could fight on the same level as Xiao Long's. Among all the powerful beasts, however, sat one that didn't quite fit in with the rest.

Its name was Uhcakip, a small, red mouse looking creature with bright yellow cheeks. By the standards of most players, it was considered garbage and not worth using on any serious team. It had a second stage, one that was quite powerful and capable of taking out more than a few of Yang's own monsters. But when the time came to evolve the adorable little monster, Neo just couldn't bring herself to do it. It may just be a small cluster of 3D pixels, but the way that little Uhcakip smiled at Neo every time she went it into battle warmed her usually cold heart. The little guy had pulled her through some tough battles in that game, and to force it to change into something just for the sake of beating Yang felt wrong.

It wasn't the strongest _Chinpocketmon_ , but it was Neo's favorite. And she was going to use this seemingly weak mouse to take down her rival's powerful beasts.

With her GameGirl system in hand, Neo hopped out of her bed to hunt Yang down and challenge her to a rematch. Roman felt her jump up off the mattress, and lifted his hat from over his eyes to see where she was headed off to.

"Where you going, Buttercup? You can't be hungry already. Dinner was just an hour ago."

Neo flashed her GameGirl at him, jerking a thumb towards the hall.

"Oh, you're finally going to challenge her huh? Hopefully all that time you spent playing that game won't come back to bite ya. Blondie beat you pretty bad last time."

Puffing out her cheeks, Neo flipped him the bird.

"Now that's just rude."

Leaving her partner to nap, Neo closed the door on him and made a beeline to Xiao Long's room. The blonde's door was open, so she invited herself in. Her opponent was there, as was Blake and Weiss.

"What's up Neo?" Yang greeted, looking away from her teammates, "We were just planning a few things for Ruby's birthday. You need something?"

"We could ask her opinion about the cake," Weiss said, "I am fairly certain Ruby would prefer vanilla frosting over chocolate."

"She eats cookies all the time," Blake groaned, "I'm telling you we should go with chocolate."

"This would just be easier if _Yang_ would pay attention to what her sister likes to eat."

"I'm her sister, not her parent. I'll just call my dad and ask him then."

Neo cleared her throat to bring attention back to her. She waved her game system at Yang, pointing at the cartridge.

" _Chinpocketmon?_ Oh! You want a rematch, I'm guessing." After a nod of confirmation, Yang reached over to her bed and grabbed her own GameGirl. "Then you're on!"

Weiss didn't seem too pleased with Yang getting distracted. "Can't this wait, Yang? We are in the middle of something?"

"Not like we're getting anywhere with it," Blake retorted.

"Singles or doubles, Neo?" Yang asked her opponent as they booted up their games. Neo held up one finger to signify the first option. "Classic style. I like that. Let's see if your team can take the heat this time around. Your Ice types surely didn't appreciate it that much."

Not intimidated by Yang's taunting, Neo initiated the battle. The moment the battle music hit, she went into full focus mode as she sent out her first combatant. Her purple land shark roared as Yang's first monster landed on the field across from it.

"A Chompgar, huh?" Yang nodded, impressed at her powerful _Chinpocketmon_ , "Not bad, not bad. But can it survive one of _these?"_

To Neo's surprise, Yang's monster attacked first! But how? Chompgar was naturally faster than Yang's Mamothpig! As her first beast fell after one super effective attack, Neo looked at Yang for some sort of explanation.

"Just so you know," Yang said, "Every competitive player like me is prepared for a Chompgar. It a pretty deadly Chinpocketmon, so I always make sure I give my Mammothpig a speed boosting item just to out-speed it and take it down!"

Gritting her teeth, Neo hastily sent out her next beast, not realizing it was also weak to Yang's Mammothpig. Just like her Chompgar, it too fell quickly.

"Bad move," Yang sighed, "Don't get yourself worked up so much. It won't help you any."

Oh, now that was it. If there was one thing Neo didn't appreciate it was her opponent talking down to her. It was time to get serious. She sent out Luckchance, her most defensive monster. Just the sight of it made Yang bite her lip.

"Oh, not this thing," Yang mumbled, knowing all too well what it was capable of, "I'm not in the mood for you to stall my monsters to death with poison."

Yang switched out her Mammothpig for her Champma, a wrestler type monster capable of utterly wrecking Neo's Luckchance. Once it hit the field, Neo's beast used Virus to poison it. Unfortunately, the status condition wasn't going to work in her favor.

"Thanks for the boost!" Yang laughed as Neo switched out her Chinpocketmon for another that could take one of Champma's attacks. But it was to no avail: her incoming monster was knocked out in one hit by Yang's powered up one. "Being poisoned doubles Champma's attack, just so you know. And I doubt you have anything that can take a hit from him now!"

Neo bit her lip at the severity of the situation. Had she just sealed her own fate?

She sent out her Luckchance again, hoping it could survive on a sliver of health.

It went down like house of cards on a windy day.

Her next beast was Pigeondot, a bird type. It was definitely faster than Yang's Champma, and managed to get off a powerful hit on it. But it wasn't enough: Champma lived on just enough health to retaliate with a super effective attack.

"Ain't looking good for you, Neo," Yang said as Neo sent out her next to last monster, which was her trump card: a Kadabrakazam. The powerful psychic type was brittle but fast, and could punch holes in teams with its high special attack power. Neo selected its most powerful move, and waited with glee for the Champma to fall…

Her spirits fell straight down when her attack missed.

"Oh man," Yang winced as she took the Kadabrakazam down, "Gotta hate those 90 percent accuracy moves. Sorry that happened. You could've turned the game around with that one."

That last comment only made defeat sting even more. Neo stared blankly at her screen as her Uhcakip hopped happily onto the field, unaware that it was about to be slaughtered. The little mouse turned its head and smiled as it always had, like when she had beaten final gym, when she had beaten the _Chinpocketmon_ League, when she had first used it in battle…

She couldn't bear to watch it fall.

"An Uhcakip?" Yang raised an eyebrow at Neo, "You realize that one isn't very good, right? I mean, you should have evolved it at least…"

And that was the last straw.

Snapping her system shut and ending the battle, Neo dashed out of the room, too embarrassed to even look Yang and the others in the face. It was too humiliating to stay and be swept 6-0 with the team she had trained so hard with for this battle, not to mention her favorite team member getting ridiculed just before it was about to fall. So much time spent with these monsters she had grown to care for, only to choke at the most important moment…

"Neo!" Xiao Long called after her, sighing as she turned back to her teammates, "You think I went a little hard on her?"

"She seemed pretty upset," Blake answered, "But it's probably best to let Roman deal with it. I'm going to guess she doesn't like to _talk_ about things at all."

"At least now we can get back to business," Weiss handed Yang her scroll, "Now call your dad so we can settle this icing problem."

"Okay, okay," Yang said, taking the scroll, "But I'm going to warn you: This call might take a while."

"Why?"

"I _may_ have forgotten to call him for an entire week…"

* * *

"Back already?"

Feeling Neo land on her end of the bed, Roman opened his eyes to see she had indeed returned. To his surprise, she was turned away from him with her face buried into her pillow.

"Guessing it didn't go well," Roman said, to which he received his second middle finger of the day. "Well, at least that's over with. Why don't you move down this way, eh? Maybe a little _Just Desserts_ will make you feel better?"

No response, not even an inch of movement.

"Aw, come on Buttercup. It was just a game. Nothing to worry about-

"… _Shut up…"_

She spoke.

It was just a whisper, but it was enough for Roman to realize that this seemingly meaningless loss meant a lot to her.

Roman reached into his pocket, pulling out a cigar and lighting it. Inhaling the smoke and letting it out in one long breath, he stood and walked over to his desk to get something out of one of the drawers. Closing the door on them, he joined Neo on her end of the bed, scooting close to her and putting his hand on her back.

Neo looked up from the pillow when she heard the sound of her GameGirl turning on. But to her surprise, hers was still closed in front of her.

"I don't like to admit it," Roman said, looking down at his GameGirl as he started playing Chinpocketmon, "But there are only three things I actually care about in this world. This game is one of them. Weird, ain't it? A big time crime boss like me, spending his time playing around with digital animals. What a joke that sounds like. Not a rumor I want getting spread around, you know?"

He puffed on his cigar again, before flicking it across the room into Emerald's garbage can. "So I have to say I hate these kind of things just to keep that cunning, manipulative image of mine up. Yeah, it's pretty shallow. But in our line of work I can't afford to become a laughing stock."

Neo lifted herself up, her hair swept messily over her eyes as she leaned up against Roman's comforting shoulder. He wrapped his arm around her waist as he continued to play.

"But then there's you. You can get away with playing these games in front of others because you don't care what they think. You're tough like that. You know your image can't be tarnished by a few nasty words, and that they can't stop you from liking the things you do. You're so confident in yourself that you don't even need to speak to show you mean business. You'll sit in a bar surrounded by the toughest of criminals and order a milkshake while playing _Super Lario Brothers._ There are times that I wish I could be in your shoes, to know what it feels like to be as amazing as you are."

Blushing, Neo put one of her hands on Roman's, pulling it away from the GameGirl and to her chest. Roman dropped his game into his lap, reaching up to move the hair from his partner's eyes.

"You're exactly what I'd been striving to be for so long, and that's why I had to make sure you were mine when I met you. Because if anyone else was sitting here with you and saying that they loved you like I am right now, then that would just feel very, very wrong."

Leaning slowly into him, Neo could taste the familiar scent of smoke on her tongue as she brought her lips to his. The sharp but soothing burn of his taste in her throat reminded her of the first day she had spoken to him, when she had kissed him and uttered the three little words she had never imagined saying to anyone else during her entire existence. The two of them were spawned from the filthiest depths of society, but they knew that one of them being without the other would truly be the definition of wrong.

Pulling back from her kiss, Roman picked up her game system and put it in her hands. "Don't let something like this bring you down. You're tough, Buttercup. And I'm going to help that Uhcakip of yours become just as tough as you are."

Neo gasped, unaware that he actually had been paying attention to her while she was playing.

"I know what it's like to use ones that people think suck. There's a reason I was known as the 'Terror of the Gameshop' when I was a little one. So why don't we have ourselves a practice bout? I'll do my damn best to make you ready to beat that blonde bimbo into the ground."

The two sat back to back, hiding their screens from one another as they started their battle. Feeling Neo snuggle up closer into him, Roman slid down so his head was resting on the back of hers.

"… _Thank you…"_

"Don't mention it, Buttercup."


	62. Planning Plans

You know how they say "Hell hath no fury like a woman's scorn"?

Well, the same goes for a father's as Qrow discovered when Yang came to the van with scroll in her hand after giving Taiyang a call home. After three weeks of residing in the penthouse, Yang had never opted to tell him about her and her sister's current living conditions. And to say he was not happy about being kept in the dark would be an understatement.

" _Why the hell didn't you tell me anything, you jerkoff?!"_ Taiyang's voice shrieked from the other end. Qrow had to hold Yang's scroll a foot away from his ear so he didn't have his hearing damaged.

"Relax, Tai," Qrow tried to ease his brother in-law, "To be honest it was probably because I knew you'd act like this."

"Why wouldn't I?! My girls are sleeping in the same rooms as criminals and murderers! What if something bad happened to them?!"

"They've gotten better… The murderers, I mean. Adam hasn't tried to kill anyone in a while, so the two of them should be fine."

"Don't give me that crap," Taiyang seethed, "This was Ozpin's idea, wasn't it? I bet it was his idea."

"Yeah. Still the same ol' Ozpin. Him and the bitch had a bet-

"He's betting with _her?!"_

"Could you just relax? Seriously, things are goin' fine here. The girls are okay, their pals are okay, and everything is okay Tai. Salem hasn't tried anything screwy at all. _Yet._ Hoping it stays that way."

"It better, Qrow. I don't want to lose anyone else to her."

"Yeah, yeah…" Qrow sighed, a vision of Summer flashing in his head, "If this thing works out, then nobody will ever be taken away again by her."

After some silence, Taiyang changed the subject. "Ruby's birthday is coming up, you know. I better be allowed to visit. Not missing that for the world."

"Only one not allowed to visit is Oz. You, me, and anyone else can walk in and out as they please. How do you think I've been getting my fix?"

"…There's alcohol in there?!"

It was at that moment Qrow realized, he fucked up. It was time for this conversation to end prematurely.

"You know, I think Oz is calling for me from in the van, so…"

" _Don't you dare hang up on me you son of a bit-_

 _*BEEP*_

Pinching his brow, Qrow handed the scroll back to Yang. His niece had been standing on the side, her dad not having finished scolding her yet for keeping him in the dark. "You know you're gonna get it once Ruby's big day comes around, right?"

"Yeah, I do," Yang lowered her head, "I just couldn't tell him, Uncle Qrow. It'd stress him out so much knowing about some of the people we've been living with. Not to mention the whole drinking thing. Thanks for letting _that_ slip, by the way."

"Not my fault. Little inebriated right now, if ya couldn't tell."

"When aren't you?" Yang smiled lightly, punching him in the arm, "Anyways, about Ruby's party. I've been planning that out, and I kind of remembered the most important thing about a birthday."

"And that would be…?"

"Presents. How are we going to get her anything? Only Weiss has a credit card, and if we order anything online she'll just take it from the postman and open it on the spot. We have to get to a mall or something."

"Shit. You got a point there, kiddo. Let me talk to Oz about that. We'll think of a way around the rules. Promise ya that."

"Thanks, Uncle Qrow."

The two fist-bumped, and Qrow entered the van once his niece was out of sight. Ozpin's eyes were glued to the computer as usual, and Glynda had fallen asleep in her chair. The blonde was snoring loudly like always, so the Headmaster had stuffed his ears with cotton to tune her out.

"Did the call go well?" Oz asked. He was watching over the cameras and not his stories for once; a surprise to Qrow.

"About as well as you'd imagine. Gotta figure out some way to get Ruby birthday presents, though. Kids'll have to go to a store or something for that."

"Are presents a requirement for a party?"

"What, did you never get any when you were a kid?"

"The only two things I ever received were my spectacles and this coffee mug on my third birthday. I have never asked for anything else."

Not in the mood to dive into Ozpin's history anymore, Qrow changed the subject. "At least you're doing your job and watchin' the cams for once. Something up?"

"I'm not sure," Ozpin said, sipping his coffee, "Penny Polendina has been acting strange lately."

"More than usual?"

"Yes, in fact. Perhaps something has gone awry with her programming. Contacting James may be the best thing to do in this situation."

"You're not actually going to call him, are you?"

"Does a Beowolf have four legs?"

"Yeah. Yeah, they do."

"Oh. Well then… No. I am most certainly not calling James."

"Better luck with the metaphors next time, Oz."

* * *

"Are you busy, Cinder?"

Cinder looked down on Weiss from her bunk, setting her book down on her lap. The two's relationship had been growing better since the former's secret hobby had been revealed, and Weiss had been giving her daily vocal lessons in the basement ever since.

"Just reading, obviously" Cinder said, "If this is about my pitch control, I said I'd work on it. Not in the mood for a lesson right now."

"I'm not here for that," Weiss sat down on her bed, "It's more of a request, actually."

"Is that so?"

"Yes, Ruby's birthday is coming up soon, and Yang wants to give her the best party she's ever had. So she was thinking maybe we could put on a show for her, like a concert. I said I would sing for her, and Jaune can play guitar a bit, but I was hoping maybe I could have a backup sing-

"No."

"But why not?" Weiss asked, "You're getting so much better at singing. Doing it in front of a crowd of people will only help your confidence grow!"

"It's not about that," Cinder said, returning to her diary, "I have no desire to share my talent like that. Simple as that."

"Then look at me."

"Why?"

"You blush when you lie."

"I do not."

"You blushed when you told me you could sing soprano when you could only hit mezzo-soprano notes."

"I did no such thing!"

"You're blushing right now."

She had her caught. Sighing, Cinder contemplated the offer. She would be denying herself from an opportunity that did actually sound pleasurable if she said no. But to have her debut be in front of everyone in the house… and Emerald…

"…I'll think about it," Cinder mumbled just loud enough for Weiss to hear, "But that's all."

"Thank you," Weiss smiled, "I'll need your answer in a couple days though. The big day is coming up soon… By the way, have you seen Penny around? Yang told me to tell her about the party, but I can't find her anywhere."

"I'm not her babysitter. How should I know?"

"You're sounding snippy again."

"Look, I've been speaking this way for years. Bad habit."

* * *

Ironically, if there was one person who knew where Penny could be hiding, it would have been Cinder. In the lowest levels of the house, Virulet was exploring the darkness of the basement. He had seen in Penny's memories that she and Ruby Rose had descended down here in search of Fall. The half-maiden had been designated alongside Rose by Salem as one of the Latent 4 Virulet had to be cautious of, and he had become wary of staying inside of a room with both her and Rose in his direct vicinity. He might be a dastardly genius, but even an A.I could be struck by a case of paranoia and fear.

To establish an evil lair in the dark world of a musty basement was all too perfect an opportunity for him.

"Blast!" Virulet spat as he stepped in a puddle, "I must remember to destroy these puddles. Yes, they shall dry up and suffer with no way to defend themselves! _Mwah-ha-ha!"_

If not for Penny's built-in night vision, Virulet would have knocked off the head of his host body with all of the drainage pipes he had nearly collided with. Any fleshbag human would surely meet their demise down here if they even dared to seek out his lair, or at least would walk out with a severe concussion. Finding the hatch that led to the secondary storage level, Virulet opened it up and dropped down into the even murkier darkness. His robotic vision immediately detected the scraps of metal left behind by the workers Ozpin had hired to construct the house.

"Yes, yes…" Virulet said, feeling an evil laugh coming, "This place will be perfect for constructing my masterpiece! _Mwah-ha-_

 _*CLICK!*_

"Huh? What's this?"

What Virulet discovered was not in his surroundings, but in his head. For some time now he had been hacking into a single firewall left in Penny's processor, having been unable to penetrate its defenses during his initial invasion. Only now had he finally broken through the intricate coding protecting a certain part of her robotic body:

Her backpack.

The sound of blades slicing against each other filled the silent void as Penny's signature weapons emerged from their storage. Virulet felt the tips of his host's fingers being wrapped by wire, and he wriggled them to test just how well he could control the blades with them.

"Oh yes," Virulet grinned, creating an arch of blades over his head, "I must thank you once more, my dear Penny Polendina. These will be wonderful additions to my masterpiece…"


	63. Cutting Corners

_**Day 23/30**_

* * *

Emerald wasn't someone who worried too much about her appearance. She wasn't a slob by any means, but she never worried about being in style or changing it drastically. A simple cutoff tank suited her just fine most days here, and she hadn't changed her hairstyle for a few years now.

But as she stared at herself in the mirror this morning, something was telling her it might be time for a change. Running her fingers through one of her ponytails, Emerald thought about what she may look like if she cut them off. Yes, they had been a part of her look for so long now, but a change in personality didn't have to be the only change she went through. Maybe Cinder would like her a bit more if she had short hair. All Emerald had thought about for the past week was the kiss she had planted on Cinder's cheek and how she could get another one in. Perhaps it could be on the lips this time!

Grabbing a pair of scissors out of the sink drawer, Emerald hesitated as she placed one of her ponytails between the shearing blades. All it would take was one little movement, and it'd be gone. She closed her eyes, her fingers ready to snip away her green locks…

In her moment of focus, she hadn't noticed as someone had slipped quietly into the bathroom with her.

 _*SMACK!*_

" _GAH!"_ Emerald cried out at the sudden impact on her behind. A familiar laugh sent her blood into a boil, and she spun around to slap the 5-Star Man responsible for the violation.

"Easy there!" Mercury smirked, ducking back from her hand, "I didn't know it was you. My eyes are still healing from the salt and all. Thought you were someone that was actually attractive."

" _Get out asshole!"_ Emerald shrieked, covering herself with a towel, _"Before I rip those eyes out of your sockets!"_

"Ooh, feisty today aren't we?" Merc laughed, taking his leave, "If you're in need for a hate-fuck, then just call-

" _GET OUT!"_

Throwing a handful of toothbrushes at Black, Emerald spat at him as he ran away cackling to his room. If there was one thing she knew Cinder ever regretted doing, it was bringing him into their ranks. She wasn't even in the mood to think about cutting her hair now; she was too furious to even concentrate right now!

"Hey, Emerald!"

" _Stay away from me!"_ Emerald lashed out in anger, only to realize that it was just Velvet talking to her. The rabbit's ears were covering her eyes from Sustrai's naked body as she held a camera in her hand. "Oh, uh… Sorry about that, Velvet. Just a bit on edge."

"I-I can come back later if you want…"

"Do you need something?"

"Well," Velvet said, moving her right ear away from her eye, "I just came to ask you for a picture, that's all. I'm taking one of everyone for a digital scrapbook I'm making. If you're okay with that, just come to me when you are dressed."

"Yeah, sure," Emerald said. As Velvet began to walk away, an idea sprang to mind. "Wait! You said _everyone,_ right?"

"Yup! I've got one of Weiss, Nora, Neo, Jaune, even Adam! He didn't smile though…"

"What about Mercury?"

"Him? Well, I got one but it's a bit off center. I was kinda nervous when I took his. He has a really nice smile, you know?"

Emerald nearly threw up in her mouth at that. "Whatever. I need a copy of it. Email it to me."

"Okay! Are you making a scrapbook too?"

"Not exactly."

" _CAN I HAVE EVERYONE'S ATTENTION PLEASE!?"_

Emerald and Velvet covered their ears as the sound of a megaphone erupted out of nowhere. To their surprise, it wasn't Nora using it this time but someone Velvet recognized.

"…Professor Oobleck?"

"The caffeine guy?" Emerald asked, slightly remembering the fast talking Professor from one of the classes during her infiltration of Beacon, "What is he doing here?"

" _EVERYONE REPORT TO THE LOUNGE IN APPROXIMATELY ONE MINUTE! THERE IS NOT MUCH TIME TO SPARE!"_

* * *

The lounge was filled to the brim once again as yet another house meeting began. Professor Oobleck stood atop the coffee table over the housemates, sipping his drink as usual. Zwei sat at the feet of his eccentric buddy, hoping a drip of the caffeinated drink would fall from his cup for him to catch on his tongue.

"So what's up, Doc?" Sun asked, feet propped up across Blake's lap, "Why the sudden visit?"

"Excellent question, Mr. Wukong!" Oobleck raised one finger, "After receiving a call in the very early hours of the day from Headmaster Ozpin, I was told to drive here and escort a select number of you to the local shopping center for the purchasing of gifts for a certain individual's birthday party!"

" _Eee!"_ Ruby squealed, jumping from her seat, _"I'm getting my presents~!"_

Yang gave Oobleck a deadpan glare. "Nice work, Doc. That totally wasn't supposed to be a secret or anything."

"Oh dear. My apologies, Miss Xiao Long! But fret not! I was told to not allow her to be one of the individuals I take on this short trip!"

"Aww…" Ruby's excitement flipped on its end and straight to disappointment, "I wanted my presents early…"

"So how many of us can go with you?" Pyrrha asked.

"Six total!" Bart raised up that number of fingers, "Not including myself! You can all decide amongst yourselves who shall go along."

"Hold on a moment," Cinder interrupted, "I thought we weren't allowed to leave this house until the 30 days were up? Why the sudden change in rules?"

"Ah yes, that. I was just about to relay that information to you. After discussing this with his opponent, Ozpin was granted permission to bend this rule only once with one added stipulation: no more visitors are allowed entry into this here penthouse whatsoever. I am the last outsider allowed to enter those doors over there."

"Not even Uncle Qrow can come in anymore?" Ruby asked, even sadder now.

"There goes my income…" Roman mumbled.

Oobleck nodded in confirmation. "It was a tough compromise, according to Ozpin. His opponent is quite the difficult woman to make deals with. But that aside, I will give you all some time to decide on who shall join me on this trip. I will be waiting out in my vehicle for whomever wishes to come along!"

With that, Oobleck zipped outside, leaving everyone in a cloud of dust. Coughing and waving away the dirt, Yang stood up. "Well, I have to go. It is my sister's birthday, after all."

"So that leaves five spots then," Ren said, "Then I wish to go along as well, I am in need of some extra kitchen utensils. My assortment of knives has decreased for some reason. Hopefully there is a cooking store nearby."

"How unfortunate," Virulet shook his head, covering his mouth to hide his grin. He was guilty for the knife theft, of course. To be able to pick up even more would be a most excellent opportunity. Perhaps he could commit some extra crimes as well; shoplifting, stealing purses, jaywalking… Oh yes! Such vile acts of debauchery! "I shall like to go along then too. This shopping experience sounds like a jolly good time!"

"You wanna go along, boss?" The Lieutenant asked, "I'm running low on baby oil and moisturizer. We could get some new curtains for the room, and shop for some new outfits! How's that sound?"

"Pass. Miltia wants to do something with me later. I believe she called it 'Skyping', or something like that. I must learn its ways and master it before we converse."

"Oh, okay then. Guess I'll go by myself then. Want me to get you some candy?"

"…M&Ms. No green ones."

"You got it, Daddy!"

"I told you to stop calling me that."

"It wouldn't be a day out without a 5-Star Man," Merc said, "Chicks at these places are easier that lacing my boots. Gotta get me a taste of that."

"Is that all you think about?" Blake asked.

"I am a simple man. I see babes, I bang. Unless they're Emerald."

"Then I'm going too," Sustrai glared at him, "Someone has to stop you from finding joy in terrorizing women." That part was only half true. This chance at a day out actually worked perfectly with Emerald's plan to get Merc back for being the piece of shit he is. With the participants chosen, Emerald turned to Velvet as the room cleared out. "I need that picture of Merc. Now."

"But aren't you leaving soon?"

"Won't take long. Photoshop isn't that hard to use."

* * *

"Why couldn't you own a bigger car?" Merc winced as the Lieutenant squished him into the side of the door.

"Should've called shotgun!" Yang winked to the backseat.

"Wanna sit on my lap?" the big guy offered.

"I'd rather choke myself to death."

"Why did you not present me with that option?!" Virulet yelled from the floor, Penny's body contorted uncomfortably by the Lieutenant's feet.

"Well, are you a male?"

"…Technically, no."

"And there's your answer, sweetie."

"What is taking Emerald so long?" Ren asked nobody in particular, "She is taking quite some time to get ready."

"Probably stealing from Roman's wallet," Merc said, "Bitch is dead broke, like always."

"I like you," Virulet gave Black a thumbs up, approving of his insult, "Let us be comrades."

"So you do understand sex. How about tonight? My room?"

"…I take it back. You'll be first on the list now."

"List? What do you mean by list?"

Before things could escalate further, Emerald knocked on the window. Oobleck buckled his seatbelt as she crawled into the cramped car, a gym bag strapped to her back. "You're late, Miss Sustrai! Care to explain yourself?"

"Had to grab a few things," Emerald said, squeezing in between the front seats, "So, we all set to go?"

"One last thing," Bart reached into the glove compartment and pulled out six clunky bracelets, "These are Semblance restraints. They're used on unruly students back at Beacon as punishment for starting fights. You must wear these at all times on any part of your body as per the rules of no Semblance use during the period of the bet."

"They're quite heavy," Ren said, his hand nearly pulled down as the bracelet snapped around his wrist.

"Nothing wrong with accessorizing!" the Lieutenant said, snapping his around his neck like a choker, "Ooh! That's nice and tight!"

"Can we go before this guy busts a nut?" Mercury asked, kicking the back of Oobleck's seat.

"Very well! You do have the list of presents to pick up, Miss Xiao Long?"

"Of course!" Yang flashed him a piece of notebook paper as she pulled her aviator glasses over her eyes, "Everyone's gifts for Ruby are written down right here!"

"Excellent! Then buckle up, everyone! I have been known to go slightly over the speed limit on most occasions!"

Emerald's eyes widened as the speedometer on the dashboard went from 0 to 90 before the car even started moving. "I've got a bad feeling about _THIIIIIIIIIISSSSSS!"_


	64. Mall Rats

"And we have arrived!"

Oobleck's tiny car skidded to a halt by the curb of the gang's destination, nearly tipping over from the excess momentum. Its doors flew open as its passengers exited on shaky feet. Poor Ren was green in the face, and ran over to nearby trashcan to empty his breakfast. Virulet crawled out on his stomach like a zombie, his sensory modules spinning out of control.

"So that was what Hell feels like," Virulet muttered to himself, "I must remember to design a torture device that utilizes high-speed spinning."

"I'm driving on the way home," Yang said to Oobleck, "You drove as well as Ruby did when she tried to get her driver's permit."

"I assume she passed with flying colors then!" Bart smiled.

"She hit an old lady in a wheelchair. _Twice."_

"Oh dear," Oobleck felt it was best to move on now that everyone had filed out of the vehicle. "Disregarding that, I would wish for you all to meet here once you have finished doing whatever it is you choose to do. You have approximately one hour and fifteen minutes before that time is up."

"I don't think I can finish that fast," Merc smirked, "Girls usually ask for seconds after I'm done with 'em."

"Please kill yourself," Emerald groaned.

"Gods don't die, bitch."

Oobleck handed each of them an envelope, and Yang a credit card. "Here is some pocket money for you all, given to me by Ozpin from Ironwood's personal account. Apparently he wished to give you all enough to indulge yourselves for the day, but I will need the change back!"

"Somehow I feel like this money wasn't acquired legally," Yang commented, "And whose card is this?"

"Ironwood's, of course! Branwen said he dropped it during his previous visit to your home. They called the General to ask if it was okay for you to use, and he happily agreed!"

"Yeah, starting to think this is illegal now."

Ren wiped his mouth clean of bile. "Are all the gifts we have to buy even going to fit in the trunk?"

"I can take care of that," the Lieutenant said, patting Ren on the shoulder, "I know quite a bit about stuffing things into backdoors! You can count on me!"

Oobleck's car zipped off again, leaving the six standing on the curb. They entered the large building behind them, taking in their surroundings as they stepped through the sliding doors. A large fountain sat in in the middle of the central plaza, with flowers and bushes lining its rim. People were bustling around with bags in their hands or talking on their scrolls on both levels, with others relaxing and grabbing a bite to eat at the food court nearby.

"Welp, I'm going to find some bitches," Merc said, walking away from the group. Rolling her eyes, Emerald tightened the strings on her bag and followed after him. She needed him around for her scheme to work.

"Slow down, jackass. You can only look so desperate."

"And then there were four," Yang sighed, looking to her companions, "So I figured we could split the list into four parts and- _Where's Penny?"_

Ren and the Lieutenant looked around them and shrugged. "I dunno. Maybe she can teleport?"

"She must have run off when we weren't looking," Ren replied, "I think she will be fine on her own for a bit. She may be quirky, but she's overall harmless. What could go wrong?"

* * *

In his short time of being in existence, Virulet had never seen such a mass gathering of flesh bag humans and Faunus in one location. Were they all here buying gifts for the creation day of others? His curiosity was more devious than innocent; if he could destroy them all as they looked for things to pass on to their loved ones, it would give an even greater satisfaction to him knowing they died without ever seeing them again. Oh yes, it was a delightfully vile way for him to dispose of them!

But a mass murder was not on his schedule, unfortunately. He needed knives, blades, or anything metallic he could forge into his masterpiece. Nothing could distract him from-

"Why hello there," Virulet's eyes locked onto a most peculiar firearm. He walked into the establishment labeled as 'Arcade' and grasped the bright orange rifle connected to a large machine by a rubber cord. He inspected it thoroughly, but could find no source of ammunition or even a barrel hole for that matter. "What the blazes? How can one commit slaughter with such a garish tool of death if it cannot fire bullets?!"

"It's a game, bruh."

Virulet turned to confront the speaker, a stoner looking fellow with a scruffy face. "And who are you supposed to be?"

"I run this arcade, bruh… Ya put a coin in there and shoot at the screen."

The A.I looked down at the slot, and inserted one shiny coin. A flash of fake blood splattered on the game screen, and Virulet aimed and pulled the trigger at an incoming zombie. As a slew of animated undead began coming his way, the twisted virus grinned.

"Oh, I think I will be purchasing this here contraption… yes, I will devastate this digital world before I bring my wrath upon the real one! _Mwah-ha-ha! Yes, yes! Cower before my might you undead pieces of trash!"_

The stoner scratched his head in confusion. "Uh… You on some sort of drugs or sumpthin?"

"Oh shut up and let me murder, you fool."

* * *

"Okay, what's next on the list?" Yang pulled out the notebook sheet, checking off the set of pajamas Pyrrha had asked them to get for Ruby. Her two partners were walking behind her with handfuls of bags each, most of them being things Yang had wanted for herself and purchased with Ironwood's card. Yeah, it was illegal, but she wasn't going to waste the opportunity.

"Did you have to buy 200 clips of ammo at the weapon shop?" Ren said, struggling to hold the lead filled bag, "And if you buy anymore bras, please let us stay outside of the store. We were getting some strange looks from other customers."

"Hey, I just wanted to see if it would fit!" the Lieutenant defended himself, "I didn't think a 200 lien bra would break so easily!"

Pinching her brow, Yang ignored the bickering pair and turned to the list. Up next was Nora's gift: gourmet maple syrup. Of course. Looked like it was time to go to the cooking store. At least Ren would be happy with that.

"Come on, boys," Yang clapped to get their attention, "Next stop, the cooking... shop… _Oh. My. God."_

"What? What is it?" Ren asked, trying to see what the blonde could see.

Yang made a beeline across the mall floor, a stupid smile on her face as she spotted a face she would just love to punch. The person in question was dressed in a big fluffy chicken suit, holding a platter of fried food. When he caught sight of Xiao Long coming his way, the big chicken tried to make a break for it.

"Why, _helloooo_ there _Cardin Winchester!"_ Yang grabbed the bully's feathered shoulder, stopping his attempt to flee.

"Goddammit…" Cardin cursed, not in the mood for this, "What do you want, blondie? I'm working here."

"Oh really?" Yang snorted, "I would've thought the big, tough Cardin Winchester was too good for such a degrading job as this. Couldn't someone like you who enjoys tormenting my friends Jaune and Velvet hook up a career in just being a jerk?"

"It pays 10 lien an hour! It was the easiest job I could find that pays that well! And me and Jauney Boy's beef is over! I swear!" A flash of light nearly blinded Winchester. Rubbing his eyes, his jaw dropped when he saw that Yang had just immortalized him and his attire into picture form. "Delete that! Now!"

"Oh-ho, Jaune's going to love this," Yang hit the send button as Cardin threw his tray of chicken down to the floor.

"When you get back to Beacon, I'm going to thrash you in combat class!" Winchester growled, "And then I'll get my uncles Sam and Dean to help me finish the job off campus!"

"I'll be waiting," Yang said, leaving the big bird fuming, "And in the meantime… Go _cluck_ yourself."

* * *

After half an hour of searching, Merc's quest for some booty came up empty. Every girl he had approached had shot him down, some even slapping him across the face. At this rate, Emerald was wondering if she even needed to go through with her plan. The two of them sat on a bench, Emerald's bag separating them.

"Why isn't it working?!" Merc clenched his fists, "The system is built not to fail!"

"I think you need a new system," Em said, sipping from a cup of frozen lemonade, "I know a good one called suicide."

Merc ignored her completely, still trapped in his own world of ego and narcissism. "My reputation is being tarnished! I need to hook up with a babe or my status as a 5-Star Man is in jeopardy!"

With him so close to the breaking point, Emerald decided it was time for action. She pointed across the lobby to a children's play area, full of happy kids climbing around on slides and monkey bars. "See that over there?"

"Come on, Emerald. I don't diddle children. What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"Not that, dumbass. Women like a man who's good with kids. Go hang around them and you might even have one of their mothers come your way if they're single."

"A MILF, eh?" Merc stroked his chin, "Never been with one of them before."

"I doubt you were actually ever with a woman to begin with… Just go over there and teach them about fitness or something. Be friendly for once."

"Kids are gross though. Always sticky and shit."

"Do you want to get laid or not?"

"Fine, fine," Merc stood up, dusting himself off, "Should I take off my shirt? MILFs like six packs."

He was just making this easier for Em by the second. "Yeah, sure. Just do whatever. I'll be right over here." Chuckling to herself as Merc ran to the playground, Emerald reached into her bag and pulled out a handful of flyers. "Showtime."

Hopping over the rainbow barrier, Merc nearly trampled a small boy with his metal legs. He glanced over the ten or twenty children around him before popping off his shirt. "Alright kids. Who wants to learn about physical fitness?"

* * *

"What going on over there?" a concerned father said as he watched a strange silver haired teen pop off his shirt near his little girl. The other dads around him, all pro boxers who had taken their kids to the mall on their day off, nodded in agreement when a green haired girl approached them with a handful of papers.

"Are those you're kids?" she asked, pointing to the playground.

"Yeah, miss. What's those papers you got for?"

"Oh these?" she handed him a flyer with a face printed on it, "The man on here is Mercury Black. He is part of a program reintroducing _sexual predators_ back into society. I heard he was in the mall today and I thought I should give some parents warning in case he tried to approach their kids. And… _Oh my! That's him over there with your kids!"_

Emerald quickly hid behind some bushes once the dads sprinted over to save their kids from the _dangerous_ sexual predator. She didn't care if she would pee herself from laughter watching this; it was too sweet of revenge not to miss.

"Can you get off me, kid?" Merc begged a fairly chubby boy on his back, who decided to use him as a stool while he did some pushups, "How's your mother gonna see me if your fatass is covering my- _Hey!_ Get away from that area, buddy! _Ladies only!_ I didn't give you permission to touch down there!"

"And when did you plan on letting my kid do that, _fuckface?"_

Merc looked up to see six very muscular men glaring down at him, all of them cracking their knuckles. One of them dropped Emerald's flyer down for him to see, and he suddenly remembered why he never trusted that green haired bitch.

" _Ah, shit."_

* * *

"She's in there, bruh," the arcade owner pointed nervously into his establishment. Yang, Ren, and the Lieutenant had finally finished Ruby's birthday list and were ready to head back home. Having found Emerald and a very bruised and unconscious Mercury by the fountain near where they had entered, the only member of their band left unaccounted for was Penny. They had heard people talking about a crazy ginger girl wreaking havoc in the arcade, and knew it could only be one person.

"Penny? Yang asked, spying the robot trying to pull an arcade machine out the door, "What are you doing?"

" _This is mine now!"_ Virulet spat at terrified patrons, _"I am the champion of the undead! I am King of the Fleshbags!"_

"I'll get her outta there," the Lieutenant sighed, setting down his bags to retrieve Virulet, "Can't be any worse than when Adam gets angry."

"What's wrong with her?" Emerald asked.

"I guess we should just never let her play such violent games," Ren said, "DDR is probably the best thing for her to get addicted to."

"Unhand me, you oaf!" Virulet shouted, thrashing as the big guy carried him over his shoulder, _"I will annihilate you!"_

"Easy, sweetie," the big guy said, "When we get home I'll make you a glass of warm milk. How's that sound?"

" _GRARGH!"_

"Sounds like a holy heck yes to me~!"

* * *

Pulling up to the curb, Oobleck was more than surprised by the state of his passengers. With one of them out cold and the other tied up in the Lieutenant's vest, he was quite curious as to what the six of them had experienced in the mall. "Well, disregarding the state of two of you, how was your day?"

"Lovely," Emerald grinned, dragging Mercury over to Oobleck's trunk, "Pop this open, if you could. Putting the 5-Star Man with the gifts."

"I don't believe that is a very safe place for him to travel, Miss Sustrai."

"Yeah. I just don't care about his safety right now, so just open it please."

Regretfully obeying her request, Oobleck prepared to step on the gas when Yang took his hands off the wheel. "Remember what I said about me driving and you not?"

"Ah, yes. Very well then. I suppose I could give you permission to take the wheel."

"Who said I was _asking_ for permission?"

"Remember now that I am your professor and-

"Switch seats or I'm going to spill your coffee."

"…You win this round, Miss Xiao Long."

* * *

After a much calmer and steadier car ride back home, the gang said they goodbyes to Oobleck as he zipped off into the sunset. Yang instructed Weiss and Blake to lock Ruby away in her room as they hid the many presents purchased for her today, while Merc received some first aid treatment from Velvet. The poor Faunus was the only one willing to help him after hearing how Emerald's plan had went, and she let him sleep on the couch in her usual spot while she rested on the floor.

While everyone was sound asleep in the early hours of the next day, Emerald had returned to the bathroom. Once again she held the scissors in her hands, contemplating the same decision as before.

"Come on," Emerald whispered, holding her hair tightly as she prepared to snip, _"Come on…"_

She felt a warmth behind her, and then a soft caress on her hand wielding the scissors. Her eyes widened as Cinder pushed the clippers away and onto the sink, the newcomer letting Emerald's ponytail run through her own fingers.

"So this is why you were up so late," Cinder said, taking Em's other braid and intertwining the pair. Sustrai tensed up, unable to move as her crush delicately played with her hair. "Why would you ever want to cut these off?"

"I… I wanted to try something new," Emerald blushed, gripping the sink tightly, "You used to have your hair so short, and I thought you might like it if… If I made mine shorter, that's all…"

Laughing once in her throat, Cinder let go of the now single braid draping over Emerald's back. "You don't need to change for me, Emerald. Don't ever think that. If you ever want to change, then I'll accept it no matter what. Do you really want to cut off your hair now?"

"…No," Emerald smiled, pulling the single ponytail over her shoulder and stroking it, "I think I like it this way. If I let it sit like this it won't get caught in doors anymore!"

The two laughed quietly, Fall letting her hand fall on Em's waist causing her to freeze up instantly. Cinder gazed at her friend, so anxious because of her touch, unsure of how to act without making herself look like a bumbling fool. It was still an odd thing to Cinder, seeing Em like this. So tense, so nervous, the reflection of her blushing face and crimson red eyes in the mirror never parting from her own. Even the way she slightly pulled in her bottom lip when she breathed down her neck didn't go unnoticed…

Cinder wasn't sure what was going on with herself. Why was she seeing these things in Emerald now that had seemed so meaningless before? Should she be feeling this way right now anyways? She was her best friend, and that was that… _right?_

She knew Emerald wanted their bond to go further than friends; she wouldn't have stuck by Cinder for so long if that wasn't the case. And maybe… Maybe Cinder wanted that too.

Cinder turned Emerald around to face her, the latter leaning on the edge of the sink trying to figure out if this was just another one of her daydreams. She bent her knees slightly so her face was at the same level as Emerald's. Her eyes closed as she felt their lips gently connect for the first time, both of them not entirely sure of what to do with them. Cinder pulled back, licking her lips to experience this new taste.

"I've… never kissed anyone before," Cinder whispered, "Was that good?"

"…I don't know. Try it again."

"Okay."

She went in for a second taste, Emerald's lips more enticing this time as Cinder pushed a little harder.

"And that?"

"…Again."

Cinder obeyed, barely giving Em time to finish her one word response. Nearly half a minute passed before Cinder pulled back for a breath.

"Better?"

" _Don't stop..."_

Fall couldn't say no. She lunged back in, feeling Emerald's nails clawing at her back as she pressed into her. Every second passing made Cinder want to keep going, to show Emerald just how much she appreciated her being there for her, to make Emerald hers. Only when she felt her own hands leaving Sustrai's side and moving lower did she stop herself.

"I… I think that's enough," Cinder panted, filling her empty lungs as she took a step back.

"Y-yeah," Emerald agreed, blushing intensely, "I think that should wait a while… Especially with others around. Last thing I want is Mercury hearing."

Cinder out her hand to Emerald, smiling as stepped out of the bathroom. "Will you still want to share my bed with me then? Zwei's sleeping with Weiss tonight. A pillow isn't exactly the equivalent of holding a person while asleep."

"Of course," Emerald replied, taking Fall's hand in hers, "I know what it's like to sleep alone."

"Don't worry. Neither of us will have to worry about that again."


	65. Ozpin and Qrow Find A Dead Guy

_**Man, I have had a day today.**_ _ **Got a flu shot, passed out immediately after it, had a splitting headache ever since, and I still managed to get a chapter out for you all!**_

 _ **Yeah, I don't do needles that well.**_

 _ **Also, I head back to college this Wednesday, so expect the next chapter this Friday or Saturday after I'm all settled in.**_

* * *

 _ **Day 24/30**_

* * *

Does a bear piss in the woods?

I don't know about that one, but I know Qrow Branwen does every morning. In a strange form of enlightenment, Qrow realized that his time spent out in this van had really strengthened his relationship with nature. The sound of birds chirping, cicadas buzzing to one another in the trees above, and the scurrying of a squirrel that Ozpin still insists is out to get him all made him realize that the great outdoors isn't such a bad place.

Aside from the hordes of Grimm lurking out there. And falling trees. And the poison ivy…

Look, it was a love-hate relationship. But mostly the former.

Whistling as he unzipped his trousers to let the river flow, Qrow wasn't expecting any company during such a personal time. He was oblivious to the individual standing quietly behind him until he heard an additional sound of leaves being struck by the pitter-patter of human waste.

"Lovely morning, isn't it Mr. Branwen?"

" _CHRIST!"_ Qrow leaped a foot in the air, nearly soaking himself in his own water as Ozpin calmly continued his own business, "What the hell is wrong with you?! I'm tryin' to piss in peace here!"

"Glynda forced me out of the van," Oz said, "I wished not to stand alone in these woods in fear of a ferocious beast attacking me."

"If this is about that damn squirrel-

"I only wish you would believe my claims. It gave me a death glare just last Thursday."

Groaning, Qrow zipped himself up. "Why do you think I walk so far out into the woods to do this? It's so I can escape your bullshit for about five measly minutes!"

"Careful of that log."

" _Wha- Ooof!"_ Branwen face planted into the leafy forest floor, spitting out a mouthful of dirt as Ozpin looked on with no intention to help him up. No, he was too busy looking at something else. "Yeah, just stand there Oz. Don't try to be useful or anything."

"…That isn't a log."

"So what?" Qrow dusted himself off, standing to his feet to inspect the obstacle, "I tripped over it. Who cares what it… _is…"_

The two men stared at the man, lying face down in the dirt fully clothed with eyes closed shut. What was somebody doing so far out into the woods like this? Maybe he was a hobo or something.

"Hey, buddy," Qrow said to the man, tapping him with his foot, "Get up. Makin' a fool outta yourself."

"Perhaps he is intoxicated," Ozpin suggested, "Have you ever wandered out into the woods like this during one of your drunken escapades?"

"I've woken up in many places, but never out in the woods," Qrow picked up a stick and poked the guy in the head, "Yo. Earth to stranger. Wake the hell up."

"That is not being very helpful."

"More helpful than you right now."

Still getting no response, Qrow figured he had to use a little more force. Taking a step back, he punted the body in the side like it was a soccer ball. The body flipped over, then over again as it tumbled down over a rocky hill. The two men watched it crash through some bramble until it smacked into a large boulder at the base of the hill, arms splayed out and revealing a large stab wound in his gut. The truth hit Qrow and Ozpin like a semi-truck, the former scratching his scruffy chin in disbelief.

"Well, shit Oz… That bitch is dead."

* * *

One would be surprised to discover that Glynda was quite skilled at manipulation. As the Head of Disciplinary Duty at Beacon, she had come to learn many ways on how to get students to come to agreements through passive aggressive means. As much as she hated to admit it, she had learned how to utilize what Ozpin called 'stretching the truth' to get results quickly. She'd never say it to his face, of course; his calm, collected gloating would dig into her bones like a knife.

Which is why she was so pleased that the man's own trick was working successfully against him. Glynda had known Ozpin's greatest weakness was daytime television, and having to bear through his ramblings on every single detail of each episode was going to worth the results. After gaining his trust and making him think she was just another case of Stockholm syndrome, she would strike, make her great escape, and put an end to this madness.

If only the madness would stop for just one day.

"Hello, Glynda," Ozpin opened the van door and looked inside, "I take it you have finished relieving yourself."

"Still nothing of a gentleman, I see," Glynda sighed, before she got the feeling Oz was hiding something, "Where is Qrow?"

"Oh, yes. He's right behind me. But I just have to say that you are looking quite lovely this morning."

"…What did you do?"

"It's not what he did," Qrow's voice replied from outside, "It's more what he's making me do."

"And that is…?"

"Now Glynda," Ozpin said, stepping one foot into the van, "I want you to stay calm and not lash out at what you are about to see."

Glynda rolled her eyes. "What could you possibly have done to make me- _OHMYDEARLORD!"_

Ozpin moved out of the way as Qrow flopped the body of the deceased man into the vehicle. Covering her mouth in shock, Glynda's emotions soon shifted to rage as she took hold of Ozpin's laptop, ready to beat the holy hell out of him with it.

"Allow me to explain!" Ozpin put his hands up, trying to ease Goodwitch, "It is quite the funny scenario that lead up to our discovery of this poor soul, actually."

" _I don't care!"_ Glynda yelled, "That's a dead body! _A dead body!_ Do you have any idea what that means?!"

"He ain't alive anymore, that's one thing," Qrow said, leaning against the wall.

"There is a killer out there! Or worse, a Grimm! We have to alert someone about this!"

"How?" Qrow retorted, "We don't even know who this guy is or why he's dead."

"That may not be entirely true."

Qrow and Glynda looked at Oz, who had taken back his laptop and was already easing into his daily routine as if nothing was wrong.

"…You know who this is?" Goodwitch pointed at the body.

"I don't know his name, but I may or may not recognize him," Ozpin said, sipping his coffee, "Qrow, do you remember how I told you I acquired this vehicle we have been residing in?"

"Yeah," Branwen raised an eyebrow, "You said the owner was attacked by a Deathstalker and… This is him, ain't it?"

"I truly thought he was a trained warrior. He was wielding his walking stick like a veteran paladin. Otherwise I would have went and assisted him."

" _Great!"_ Glynda threw her arms up in frustration, "First you endanger our students by placing them in a home with criminals, and now you are aiding and abetting to murder with a Grimm!"

"We can worry about the legal matters later, Glynda," Qrow said, pointing back to the body, "We gotta do something about the rotting corpse first. He's startin' to stink up the place."

The three stared at the body, all trying to come up with some way to sweep it under the rug in a somewhat lawful way. Snapping his fingers, Ozpin started digging through a drawer. "Do we have any matches?"

"I don't think a funeral pyre is very subtle," Qrow said.

"Funeral pyre…?"

"What, did you plan on cookin' him up for dinner instead?"

"Of course not! Never… I would never suggest doing that."

As Ozpin abruptly ceased his search for cooking utensils, Glynda presented her best idea. "Since you two are already on the hook for numerous legal offenses, I think the best solution is to just bury him. It is the respectful thing to do, after everything you apparently put this body through."

"Hey, I didn't mean to kick him all the way down the hill."

"But we do not have a shovel," Ozpin brought up, "I would rather not have Qrow use a spoon to dig the hole."

"When did _I_ ever agree to do the digging?"

Glynda pinched her brow as the two grown men began to bicker. "Will you two be quiet? There is obviously one place we can get ourselves a shovel."

* * *

"This is a pretty deep hole you need dug, Ozpin," The last thing Jaune expected to get today was a phone call from Ozpin asking him to bring a shovel to the van. He pulled himself out of the pit he had just finished digging per the Headmaster's request. He wiped the sweat from his brow, nearly out of breath. "What's it for, anyways?"

"Just a time capsule," Ozpin lied blatantly, adjusting his glasses, "A very large one, at that."

"Can I see it?"

"Maybe later, Mr. Arc."

"Alrighty now," Qrow kicked open the van door, not noticing that Jaune was still present as he tossed a large black garbage bag into the hole, "That should do it… _Ah, crap."_

"Uh, Ozpin…" Jaune's voice quivered, his hand shaking as he pointed to the arm jutting out of the bag, "What's… What're you guys…?"

The men glanced at each other, thinking of some way to bullshit their asses out of this. Nodding, Ozpin turned back to his petrified student. "I will repeat myself once more. There is nothing to worry about, Mr. Arc. It is just a time capsule. _A time capsule._ Do you understand what I am saying to you right now?"

"Uh… I, um… I don't-

"Very good. Now be on your merry way. I am unsure if you coming to see us is against the rules, but we wouldn't want your cash prize to be compromised by a meeting that never happened, now would we?"

After giving Oz what could be considered a nod of understanding, Jaune bolted off to the house without looking back. The Headmaster took a drink of coffee. "A job well done, wouldn't you say Mr. Branwen?"

"Yeah, sure. Scarring the poor kid for life sure is a good thing to do. Probably not the worst thing he could've seen though."

"Indeed. At least he was not a friend of our poor comrade here… Now, if you would please fill up this hole of ours. I should have told Jaune not to dig it right in front of the van; walking on someone's grave is not a very courteous thing to do."

"Oz, we've let those kids drink alcohol, robbed a store, kidnapped Glynda, and stolen James' identity, not to mention hacking his bank account. I think we've already broken every single rule of morality by now."

"…You're not wrong, Mr. Branwen. You are not wrong."


	66. A Jolly Good Hunt

_**Finally back at school, and now I remember how exhausted I got from going to class! I nearly took a nap instead of writing this chapter, but after binge watching a shit-ton of Corgi videos on Yotube I had to write another chapter like this.**_

 _ **I think you know what kind of chapter I mean by that ;)**_

* * *

My name is Zwei Rose-Xiao Long, and I would like to wish upon you the most belated of greetings. It has been quite some time since our last discussion with each other, for it seems that many other fascinating events have overshadowed my still interesting - yet plain by comparison – daily duties as a Corgi.

But worry not, lads. Today I have quite the tale to tell to you all, an adventure of grand proportion. Its contents will be as flavorful and delectable as the peppermint cake Master Ruby fed me on the misplaced day of jolly winter festivities some time ago. Ah yes, that was quite the tasteful experience…

Oh, my apologies! I was distracted by the fond memories of that snack for a moment. My mouth is salivating just from recollecting the taste. Perhaps it would be a wise idea to begin my story before my mind becomes distracted once more.

Let us begin, shall we?

* * *

It was around the time when the sun sat the highest in the sky when Master Ruby required my assistance. I was bathing my fluffy black fur in the warm rays while simultaneously receiving a most soothing butt scratch from Master Yang when Master Ruby snatched me away just as my itch was starting to recede. If she had not provided me with a tasty handful of bacon bits as compensation for the sudden interruption, I would have been quite sour with her for her actions. Regardless of how I felt, the moment Master Ruby said she needed my help I was all ears.

To clarify, I was not 'all ears' in the literal sense. To have my body be reduced to two large floating pair of ears would be quite the disturbing sight, would it not? My triangular hearing devices are fairly adorable I must admit, but without my plump buttocks and nubby legs I would no longer be the complete Corgi package. What a dreadful travesty that would be!

Taking me to a secluded place, Master Ruby presented her dilemma: she wished for me to sniff out the gifts Master Yang and the others had brought home for her! Now, I am what can be considered a responsible organism. I know that human culture instructs that those whose day of birth are not meant to receive their gifts until said day has arrived, and I was defiant in betraying the trust of Master Yang and her comrades who desired to keep their presents a secret from my younger master.

But Master Ruby is such a benevolent soul. In return for my services, she presented me with the only the highest of rewards:

 _A chocolate chip cookie._

Oh, yes. You indeed heard that correctly.

Now, I know it is not healthy at all for my kind to consume the heavenly sweet called chocolate; in fact it may very well bring me great harm if I consume more than just one cookie's worth. But every being, be they human, Faunus, or Corgi, must spoil themselves with an unhealthy snack once in a moon as blue as the sky above. The indigestion I would receive in a few days is worth the few moments of pure, cocoa flavored bliss.

There was yet another plus to this: Master Ruby gave me the cookie before I departed on my mission! She is so kind!

I am sorry Master Yang, but I could not let this opportunity slide; sometimes a snack of this caliber takes control of your better instincts and forces you to succumb to temptation. I hope this will not cause you to cease scratching my behind every Tuesday afternoon. That is a most pleasurable time of relaxation we share together.

Returning to my most harrowing tale, I bounded off to the home in search of these hidden gifts. This task proved to be much more difficult than any other before it, for I knew not the scent of the presents I was searching for. But who is to say that did not make the task even more amusing? Like many individuals, I enjoy a good mystery every once in a while. I feel like a genuine Sherlock Hound, though missing the proper Victorian attire!

Ah, that was a delightful pun. You see, I replaced Holmes with Hound… Oh dear. Master Yang's sense of humor seems to have rubbed off on me quite a bit lately. I must be cautious as to not abuse the power of the pun. It may worsen the indigestion that approaches in a few days' time.

I began my hunt in the lounge, where I found the Spartan Princess comforting a surprisingly pale and frightened Vomit Boy. It appeared as if he had recently come across a spirit of some kind; his empty expression was filled to the brim with emotional scarring. I pondered if a playful nip to his behind might bring some further relief to his current state, but decided not to: the Spartan Princess's kiss seemed to cure him of his shock instantly.

With my search down there yielding no results, I investigated the theater downstairs. It was in there I encountered the newest member of the household (and one of my new favorites), Chew Toy. I cannot say she was as joyful to see me as I was her; I presume she does not enjoy when I playfully tug on her large, soft set of rabbit ears. She hopped across the theater seats like a hare to avoid me, knowing my small legs could not pull my sausage-like body up onto them. She is quite the crafty one, I must say.

But mark my words, my newest of friends: I _will_ catch you, and I _will_ play with you.

My quest continued to the upper levels, where I could hear the melodic singing of Snow White and the Crimson Queen coming from my room. You may have noticed the slight change of title of the latter individual; she no longer displays disdain and bitterness towards the others living in this here establishment, and no longer deserves to be called the Crimson Bitch. I for one am glad she has had a change of heart; using a curse word makes my 'tummy feel the ouchies', as Master Ruby would describe it.

I found no sign of gifts anywhere else upstairs, unfortunately. However, I did stumble on yet another individual trying to hone their vocal talents in the shower, though they were nowhere near as impressive as the girls practicing together. I must give credit to the Edgelord, though; he seemed very passionate as he sang about wanting to be woken up while simultaneously not being able to wake up inside.

Things took a very extreme turn when the Lightning Viking approached me, donning what appeared to be armor made of pillows while dragging her mattress towards the staircase. A distressed Chef was begging her not to go forth with her stunt, its details becoming very apparent to me when she hoisted me into her arms.

I may seem like a very dignified gentle-Corgi, as you might tell from my eloquent manner of speaking, but I do enjoy a dose of radical thrills once and a while. The Lightning Viking is the perfect individual to fulfill that prescription, as her mind operates on a different, more extreme level than others. I can think of no other person who would ride down steps on a mattress without a helmet and no clue as to come out of it uninjured.

Thankfully, I was not harmed at all when she and her unconventional mode of transportation collided with the wall at the base of the steps. It was a good thing the Black Cat was passing by, as I leaped into her unsuspecting arms when she jumped out of the way of the incoming Lightning Viking and her cushiony chariot.

To say the Black Cat was not pleased by my presence in her grasp would be a severe understatement. Perhaps I should try and mend our shaky relationship with some unauthorized snuggles. Snuggles are an excellent way to get onto one's good side. Just ask the Crimson Queen.

However, my hunt for gifts ended as quickly as they had begun. Before Black Cat could toss me from her arms, Master Yang appeared with a very guilty Master Ruby at her side. It appeared that my younger Master had let slip the secret mission I had been sent on to her dear sister, and Master Yang had arrived to make sure I could search no longer. I gave Master Ruby an apologetic whine before Master Yang took me to the kitchen for some kibbles to soothe my sadness.

Needless to say, those kibbles did their job well.

* * *

I wish to keep this between you and me, but my apology to Master Ruby was a ruse.

I believe I had discovered where the presents were hidden, but it was in a place I would never dare send my kind master into alone. I had not extended my search beyond the large moving picture screen downstairs, and it was the only place I could assume her gifts had been hidden.

And why did I not go into the depths of that darkness, you may ask?

There seems to be something… unnatural back there, residing down in the murky basement of the home where Metal Girl has been spending her free time as of recently. I feel she is connected to it, as her personality has taken quite the dramatic shift lately. She seems more agitated, more grandiose, more…

Oh, what is the word? Hammy? Corny? Gloriously over-charismatic?

In any case, I must keep an eye on this most troubling of suspicions. I would not want to see any harm come to a single one of my friends here, and I hope my fears of dread will not come to fruition.

Anyways, I fear this ends my tale and our time together. Master Ruby and Snow White are squabbling over which one of them will have the honor of snuggling with me tonight as they sleep. Truth be told, I would not mind if they shared a bed with me in between. Double the snuggles means double the fun, I say.

Until next time, chaps.

 _~ Zwei Rose-Xiao Long_


	67. A Ship Ships A Ship

_**Day 25/30**_

* * *

When Sun opened his eyes this morning, he had a feeling today was going to be one of _those_ days. While almost every day here had some wacky twist to it, some were just a bit higher on the scale than others. It was probably because the first person to talk to him this morning happened to be almost as flamboyantly fabulous as his teammate Scarlet.

"So, what's the deal with you and Belladonna, handsome?" the Lieutenant asked nonchalantly as he adjusted the curtains. Sun groaned; he was not in the mood to discuss such a delicate subject right now.

"First off, don't call me handsome," Sun said, "Creeps me out dude. And what do you mean by that?"

"What do I mean?" the big guy put his hands on his hips, shaking his head in disappointment, "Are you two cuddle-buddies? Dating? Lovers? You didn't impregnate her, did you? Is that why you two don't sleep together anymore?"

" _Hold on there!"_ Wukong waved his hands frantically to get him to stop, "Slow down for a sec, jeesh! First off, we never slept together! Except that one time, but that was a quick nap."

"Is that when you stuck your-

" _Blake is not pregnant!"_

"Doesn't mean you two can't try again!"

"Wha- _Get out, Yang!"_

Coming back from the bathroom after a morning shower, Yang's interest had been immediately piqued by that statement. She couldn't help but put herself into the conversation. "Just kidding, Sun. What're you guys talking about anyways?"

"Sun and Blake are having relationship troubles already," the Lieutenant answered incorrectly.

"I never said that at all!" Sun corrected, "Everything is fine between us! Honest!"

"Then how come you two aren't like Jaune and Pyrrha?" Yang asked, sitting on her bed, "Those two are never apart. I always see you and Blake separately."

"You're not cheating on her, are you?" the Lieutenant said, jumping to conclusions again.

"Oh yeah, _totally,"_ Sun said sarcastically, "I sneak out to the shed every night with Velvet and Weiss without her knowing."

The big guy gasped in fright. _"Really?! You fiend!"_

Figuring it was best to let his sarcasm sink into the Lieutenant's head over time, Sun continued. "Anyways, Blake told me she wants to take things slow. If that's what she wants, then I'll respect her wishes."

"At least you're not like Mercury," Yang sighed in relief, "But what's the most you two have done?"

"We've napped together. Once."

"Anything else?"

"…I don't need to tell you that."

"Aw, is someone embarrassed?" Yang chided, making baby talk, "Can't the big tough guy even reach first base? Even I've gotten that far with Blake, and that was against my will!"

"I said we were taking it slow!"

"Do you want to go any further with her?"

"Well, yeah," Sun shrugged sheepishly, "But you know Blake. She's pretty sensitive towards things like this, and we both know why. I don't wanna ruin what we have now by making a wrong move."

The Lieutenant put a hand on Wukong's shoulder. "Listen here, tiger. You're a pretty swell guy, you hear? I doubt someone as nice and as chiseled as you could ever turn Blake away. I mean, look at those abs! They're delicious! I could- I mean, _Blake_ could eat a steak dinner off of those!"

"That was a little more homoerotic than it needed to be, but the big guy is right," Yang agreed, "You need to make a move, Sun. And we're gonna help you set the mood."

"I think I can do this on my own, but thanks for the offer," Sun waved the two off as he left the room, "I'll let you know how things go, for better or for worse."

"Name the kid after me then!"

"Goddammit, Yang!"

* * *

"What do you want to talk about, Blake?"

It sure was a surprise to Jaune and Pyrrha when Belladonna came to their room for a visit. In fact, the former couldn't even remember the last time him and the Faunus had shared a conversation together. Had they _ever_ just sat down and talked?

"When I came to speak with you guys," Blake said, pointing across the room, "I was hoping _he_ wouldn't be in here."

Sensing some accusation directed his way, Adam looked up from his desk. "…What? I dwell here too."

"I thought all the hard feelings you two shared were gone?" Pyrrha said.

"Doesn't mean I have to like him," Blake answered blatantly.

"He's not hurting anything by just sitting there," Jaune pointed out, "Just ignore him. Pretend he's not even there!"

"Why do I feel that everyone in this room hates me?" Adam mumbled to himself, completely forgetting the time he tried to murder Blake and quite a few other people a couple weeks ago. Trying her best to remove his obnoxious red hair from her line of sight, Blake prepared to spill the beans on just why she dropped by.

"It's… I need some advice. In regards to Sun."

"Oh!" Pyrrha smiled, clasping her hands together, "I had noticed you two had grown closer as of late! What is it you want to talk about?"

Bake felt her cheeks flush a deep red just at the thought of sharing this with these two. "…You know, never mind. It's nothing, really…"

"Wouldn't be nothing if you came to us," Jaune said.

Sighing, Blake knew there was no running from this one. "…He knows how I feel about him. I want to make it even more… apparent."

"Do you mean… by kissing him?"

"…Yes," Blake nodded at Pyrrha, looking at her feet, "But I don't want to just do it out of the blue or anything. That would be… weird."

"I don't remember you ever wanting to kiss me before," Adam interjected offhandedly. Blake throwing a pillow at the back of his head told him it would be best not to contribute to the conversation anymore.

"You want your first kiss to be quite special then, I assume?" Pyrrha asked.

"I heard how you and Jaune's went on the deck, and it sounded… nice. The whole scenario of that. Not that I want to copy that at all. I just want something similar."

Stroking his chin, a lightbulb went off in Jaune's head as he remembered a few things he had found the other day in the shed. If there was any time to put them to use, it would be tonight. "You know, I think I know just how to make that happen, Blake."

"That was fast."

"A mind is only as sharp as its owner."

"So I'm guessing this is a pretty dull idea."

"Oh, ha-ha. Guess I won't tell you what it is then."

"Fine," Blake rolled her eyes, _"I'm sorry._ What is your idea?"

Jaune told her, and after hearing it Blake gave him a deadpan look. "You can't be serious."

"What? It's fun!" Jaune said, "My dad taught me everything he knew about how to do it right! We can all go do it, then leave you guys by yourselves for a while to seal the deal!"

"I think it is a good idea," Pyrrha followed, "We have the supplies, so we should not waste the opportunity."

Blake was still skeptical about the whole thing. "…Are you two sure this will work?"

"Trust me, Blake," Jaune winked, "If I can make it snow in the middle of summer, I can-

"Ah, there you are!" As if the stars were aligned, Sun popped his head into the room. He had been searching for Blake, and he couldn't have found her at a more convenient time. "I was wondering where you were at. Got something to ask ya Blake."

"As a matter of fact," Jaune said, nudging Belladonna, "She has something to ask you too. Isn't that right?"

"I, uh-

"Don't be shy, Blake," Pyrrha encouraged her, "We're all going to be there!"

Understandably, Sun was confused as all hell right now. "Ask me what, Blake?"

Blake didn't really have any other option at this point but to go through with it. This plan of Jaune's was silly, but there was a possibility of it actually turning out really well. "Sun… Would you like to go _camping_ with us tonight?"

"That sounds quite fun, actually."

" _I wasn't asking you, Adam!"_


	68. Prep-Prep 4 Camp-Camp

"When you suggested camping, I figured it meant we'd actually be somewhat far away from the house," Sun said to Jaune, watching as he pitched the first of three tents on the front lawn. Though the sun was far from setting yet, Arc wanted to have everything prepared nice and early.

"Hey, Ozpin gave us our boundaries," Jaune replied, hammering down a stake, "Gotta stay in the force field Semblance restriction boundary thingy he told us about. And besides, do you really want to stay out in those woods where murderers are living?"

"Jaune, I really doubt there's killers lurking out there. This isn't some slasher film scenario."

"…You'd be surprised about the truth, Sun."

"Salutations, most excellent friends of mine!" Virulet could feel his digital stomach churning as he strolled over to greet Penny's friends, "Did someone say murderers?"

Jaune and Sun looked at each other, and then at the robot. "Seriously, Penny. You have to stop playing those violent games. They don't seem to be very good for your mental health."

"My mentality is quite perfect, thank you very much," Virulet answered, "Could you two lovely, oh-so perfect individuals explain to me your plans for this here evening?"

"… _Camping,"_ Sun said with raised eyebrow. Penny was acting weirder than usual today. And that was saying something.

"Ah, I see, yes…" Virulet could feel the gears turning as a diabolical scheme came to mind, "And you will be out here alone tonight, surrounded by infinite darkness and horrors of the night?"

Jaune nodded slowly. "Not really how I'd describe it personally, but I guess so."

"Ah, excellent! Then I may consider joining you in this experience! It sounds quite joyously terrific! Oh yes indeed, _mwah-ha-ha!"_

"Uh, yeah…" Jaune and Sun figured it was just best to pretend their odd visitor wasn't even there, and maybe they would just leave on their own. Their strategy seemed to work, as Virulet cackled to himself while he walked away. "Should we maybe call tell someone about how weird Penny's acting, Sun?"

"I have enough things to worry about right now than that. If I mess things up with Blake tonight, I don't know how things will be between us afterwards."

"You'll do fine, man. Heh, never thought I'd be the one giving _you_ a pep talk. Cool guy like you taking advice from, well, someone like me. You know?"

"…Can you just finish pitching the tent?"

"Yeah, yeah. Just have to ruin it for me, don't ya…"

* * *

As of late, Mercury Black was the walking incarnation of clinical depression. To see a 5-Star Man such as himself reduced to merely a shell of his former arrogant glory was one thing, but for him to be this far gone was almost tragic in a way. Emerald's devious trick at the mall had left him shattered both his masculinity and body shattered, and now he had spent the last two days moping around in the same stained t-shirt and boxers.

Plopped down on the couch, he mindlessly surfed the television channels over and over. What point was there anymore if he couldn't even bag one single broad? His own system had failed him multiple times, and pretty much every female in the house either had something against him or was uninterested in touching pelvises.

Merc let out a yawn and scratched his crotch, unaware of a pair of big ears hanging over him from above. He only snapped out of his daze when one of his dirty magazines dropped into his lap, and was surprised to see who had delivered it to him.

"Special delivery!" Velvet beamed, twiddling her fingers nervously.

"…What's this about?" Merc turned back to the television, completely uninterested in the porn.

"You looked so down lately, and I figured these would cheer you right up!"

"Didn't ask for your pity."

"Oh… Well, okay then," Scarlatina's ears dropped sadly. She was just about to give up until she decided to just ask Black the question she had been debating to ask him in the first place. "So anyways… I heard that, well, some of the gang is camping outdoors tonight. Going to be cooking marshmallows and s'mores and everything. It sounds really fun and well, would you maybe… Would you want to-

"Pass," Merc interrupted her before she could even finish, "Not in the mood. Just leave me be."

"…Can I watch some television with you then?"

"Why would you want to do that?"

"Because you seem so down in the dumps!" Velvet hopped over the couch and onto the floor, getting comfortable, "I know you get a lot of flak from the others here - and from what I've heard some of it is possibly well-deserved – But that doesn't mean you should have to sit all alone and sad."

If Merc was in his usual state of mind, he would be taking full advantage of the situation right now. This Velvet girl was good looking and all, but it had to be too good to be true. This was probably another trick, like the one she had pulled the other night to turn off his music. Emerald probably put her up to this again. Still, he'd play along. He didn't really mind the company anyways.

"…I control the remote though."

"Works for me," Velvet smiled, "I'm not too particular about what to watch."

"Whatever," Shifting himself into a more upright position, Merc accidentally bumped the back of Velvet's head with his foot. She flinched from the surprisingly hard feeling of his toes, and she realized that something was off. Now that she thought about it, she had never seen him wearing anything other than pants before…

"Sorry 'bout that," Merc apologized quickly and offhandedly. It seemed to Velvet that he wanted to ignore what had just happened.

"No, no… It's okay."

But Velvet knew that was false. Something was definitely not okay.

* * *

As the sun drew closer to the horizon, those partaking in the miniature camping trip were getting themselves ready for the night in nature. Jaune and Sun had already moved their sleeping bags out into their tents, and Adam had forcibly put himself into the equation by taking claim of the third tent all for himself. The poor, socially inept guy couldn't tell when he was unwanted, and kept insisting that friends should stick together (actually thinking that they all considered him a pal).The Lieutenant offered to share the tent with him (in a completely non-sexual way, he very poorly tried to clarify), but was ousted by a certain robotic individual. This left only Blake and Pyrrha still getting ready, but the two girls were busy taking their time with something else.

"I don't know about this," Blake said from behind a closed door to Pyrrha, "This isn't exactly my style…"

"I am sure it looks well on you!" Pyrrha encouraged the cat, "I bet you Sun will enjoy such a striking change in appearance."

After a few moments, the door to Blake's room opened to reveal the Faunus in a very different set of clothes. The red, white, and blue flannel shirt complemented by faded blue jeans made Blake look like a whole other person. She tugged at the similarly colored bow in her hair, still iffy about her new outfit. "I feel like a farmer, Pyrrha."

"But it suits the occasion!" Pyrrha exclaimed, doing a small spin to show off her own similar outfit, "And look! We even match!"

"I don't think that's necessarily a good thing…"

" _Hey-ooo!"_

"Oh no," Blake groaned as Yang and Weiss approached them. She could already see them snickering at her new country-bumpkin look.

"And who may you be?" Weiss tried her best not to chuckle, "You remind me of someone I know, but there's no way it could be her."

"You think you could go milk me some cows, farmgirl?" Yang said, giving Blake a nice encouraging spank that pushed her to her limit.

 _"That's it! I'm changing!"_ Blake dashed back into the room and slammed the door.

"Oh, come on Blake!" Weiss sighed, wrapping her knuckles on the door, "Yang and I were just joking. You look very nice."

"…Fine." Opening the door slightly, Blake stuck her head out, "This is still really embarrassing though."

"What is there to be embarrassed about?" Pyrrha shrugged, "Looking your best is not a crime, especially if it's for someone you care about. Sun will surely appreciate it."

"And if that doesn't work out, you've still got your milk maid job to fall back on! It might take you a while to _moo_ -ve on, but I bet you'll-

"Not helping, Yang."

"But you get it, right? Cows go moo and- Look, if I sense a pun, I'm not gonna waste it."

"And that's where the problem lies," Blake sighed, stepping back into the hallway and looking at Pyrrha, "Guess it's time to get this over with."

"There's no need to be so nervous about this!" Pyrrha assured her, "Everything will go fine."

"And what if it doesn't?"

"I'm sure it will."

"Nothing goes over smoothly here, Pyrrha. Ever."

"She's not wrong," Weiss agreed, "And I've heard Adam is joining you all as well. It's a recipe for disaster."

"Make sure you take a fire extinguisher with you," Yang said, "Don't need to burn the whole forest around us down."

"I…" Pyrrha tried to think of a comeback, but they had her beat. Still, no matter what could possibly happen outside tonight, she was going to make sure Sun and Blake came out of it closer than ever.

As long as neither of them got set ablaze. Burning alive sounded quite painful, now that she thought about it.


	69. Light My Fire

_**Heh.**_

 _ **69.**_

 _ **LOL.**_

* * *

The howl of a distant Beowolf lingered ominously in the clear night sky, the moon casting just a pinch of light down on the five campers on the lawn. With their tents all arranged in a nice circle, everyone was ready to start with the most important part of the experience.

" _Where are all the marshmallows?!"_

Or maybe not.

Digging through the pile of food they had hauled outside, Jaune started tossing out empty bag after empty bag that were supposed to be filled with white, cushiony goodness. Pyrrha had to catch the empty plastic he threw behind him so it would not fall into the fire pit.

"Maybe you forgot to pack them," Blake said, a cup of tea in her hands. She was leaning her back on Sun, who was busy trying to skewer a banana onto a roasting stick. He always wanted to try a roasted one, and what better opportunity than now?

"I _know_ I packed them!" Jaune defended himself, "I was in the kitchen with Ren and Nora while we got the food! I put them in the bag myself!"

Pyrrha instantly figured out what happened. "You didn't happen to turn your back on the food, did you?"

"Well, yeah, when I went to grab more out of the drawers. What does that have to do with it?"

"Think about it, Jaune."

"…Nora ate them, didn't she?"

"Speaking of redheads," Sun said, only for Adam to look up from his candy bar in response, "Not you."

"Does this candy bar have nuts? I'm allergic to nuts."

"I don't think you'd be breathing right now if it did, Adam."

Taurus took another bit of the chocolate. "True. But I believe some individuals have a delayed response to allergic reactions."

"Then maybe you shouldn't be biting into it anymore then," Pyrrha suggested. Adam contemplated it for a minute, but shrugged and continued eating anyways.

"As I was trying to say," Sun exasperated, finally getting back on track, "What's taking Penny so long? She should be out here by now."

Blake dunked a graham cracker into her drink; a strange mixture, but crunchy food wasn't really her thing. "Hard to tell with that one. She could have her hand stuck in a… _Okay._ I think that candy _may_ have had nuts in it."

All heads turned to Adam, clutching his throat as his face turned an odd shade of purple. Pyrrha gasped immediately at the dire situation as the White Fang leader fell onto his back. _"On no! He's having a reaction!"_

" _I got this!"_ Jaune jumped to action, cracking his knuckles, "I was certified in CPR when I was 13!"

Sun stood and grasped Jaune's shoulders, trying to shake sense into him. "How's CPR gonna help?! That's if he's choking, not with something like this!"

"Ah. Then I got nothing."

"We have to do something!" Pyrrha interjected, lifting Adam into her lap, _"He's dying!_ We can't just let that happen!"

"I… Never mind," Blake almost vouched for that option, but kept quiet when she figured it was in bad taste. Yeah, she hated the guy but she still had a soul. When all seemed doomed for Adam, the four campers heard the sound of footsteps running their way from the house.

" _BOSS!"_ the Lieutenant shrieked, skidding on his knees past the fire to Adam's side. He ripped him from Pyrrha's grip and began pounding on his chest with both hands.

"Someone has good hearing," Sun said as the big guy punched his superior even harder. After a few more blows to Taurus' chest, a huge hunk of chocolate erupted from his mouth and landed between his eyes.

Blake felt nauseous just looking at the upchucked sweets. "Oh that's just _pleasant."_

"Wait up," Jaune scratched his head as the Lieutenant hoisted Adam up bridal style, "So that's it? That's an allergic reaction?"

"No, silly!" the big guy laughed heartily, "He just gets carried away with eating sometimes. Shoveled the whole thing in without swallowing it down. Got all melty in his mouth and it backed up. There was a reason I said I wanted to camp with you all tonight, and this was it."

Coughing and clutching his aching ribs, Adam glared at his subordinate. "I had it under control."

"Oh no you didn't! Remember what I told you, boss: No matter what it is, _always swallow._ That's how I do _everything."_

If Blake didn't feel like throwing up before, the insinuation behind that sure as hell made her want to. Flinging the spit up chocolate into the fire, the big guy began to walk off with Adam in tow much to the latter's refusal. "What're you doing? Put me down!"

"Sorry boss, but I can't let that happen to you again. Besides, I want your help in picking out curtains for the base online. I found some frilly ones that look so _S-E-X-Y!"_

"We don't even have windows back home! _We live in a tent!"_

* * *

"And that eliminates one more variable…"

Lurking in the shadows of a tree overhead, Virulet licked his lips at the thought of what was going to occur soon. He had done some research prior to this occasion, looking what was known as slasher films up on the Internet. The glorious, bloody scenes he watched on repeat over and over made his bloodlust grow to extreme levels. Eyeing the roasting sticks, he imagined skewering more than just hot dogs on those sharp, pointy rods. Oh yes, he was going to be cooking human real soon! The most taboo of all meats to consume! He will be reviled as the most sinister being the world has ever seen!

But first, he'd have to figure out how to actually consume something.

Because, you know, currently possessing a _robot girl_ and all.

" _And let the slaughter begin! Mwah-ha-ha!"_

He dropped from the tree, dropping to the ground with a thud the four campers could hear. They didn't seem to notice the maniacal grin on his face as he stalked towards them.

"Oh, there you are Penny!" Pyrrha smiled, patting the mat beside her, "Would you like to sit here?"

Yes! A perfect opportunity! Virulet grinned at the thought of being able to devour the third member of the Latent Four right now! His ultimate goal will be so much easier to-

His feet stopped dead in their tracks. Had things suddenly gotten much hotter?

No, that was impossible. He had checked the weather reports for the night. Clear black skies, perfect for butchering fleshbags. Then why…?

Virulet's head suddenly started pounding, his sensors kicking into overdrive as he realized just what was creating this sensation of… _of…_

 _Fear._

"Fire…"

"What was that, Penny?" Sun asked, puzzled by the quivering robot. Taking steps away from the campfire, Virulet had to look away from the intense heat that was affecting his wavelength. Salem hadn't warned him about the crucial fact that his composition could not tolerate extreme levels of heat! Just being this short distance from the flames sent him into haywire!

"Where are you going?" Pyrrha called out to Virulet, who was bolting to the house. He never answered her as he slammed the front door shut, heading to somewhere cold and not warm at all. "I guess Penny won't be joining us after all."

Biting into his roasted banana, Sun could barely swallow the charred fruit. Tossing his failed experiment to the side, he scooted closer to Blake. "So… This has been interesting, at least."

"You could say that," Blake said quietly, feeling Wukong's hand falling onto hers. She looked at Jaune and Pyrrha, only grasping his fingers when she was sure they weren't looking. She wasn't one for such public displays, but at least the darkness hid it slightly.

"I think the time has come," Jaune announced, swiveling around to dig into his tent. He faced everyone again with a guitar in his hands, "For a song."

"Oh no," Blake muttered.

"You can sing dude?" Sun asked, still not believing Jaune when he nodded yes.

"I'm no opera singer, but I've got a decent set of pipes on me," Arc tuned his instrument, Pyrrha watching him expectantly. What Jaune didn't realize was that he had scooted just a bit too close to the embers flickering out of the fire pit, which were landing just a bit too close to his wooden instrument.

"I like to call this first song the Camping Anthem… _Welllll ~! There's a place I know that's tucked awa-a-AAHHH! FIRE!_ _ **FIRE!"**_

" _Oh dear!"_ Pyrrha gasped as Jaune erratically swung his flaming guitar around like a battle axe. Blake and Sun dropped to the grass as the poor noodle began running around to try and find something that would douse the flames.

" _This is not okay!"_ Jaune shouted, dodging small bursts of fire that nearly lit up his hoodie, _"Pyrrha, this is not okay! HELP ME!"_

" _I - I would!"_ Pyrrha called to her boy, "But I would much like not catching ablaze!"

" _SUN! BLAKE! HELP ME!"_

"Catch this!" Sun chucked a water bottle towards Jaune, only for it to bounce off his head.

" _OW!"_

"Well that didn't work."

Blake bonked him on the forehead with her palm. "What made you think it would?"

"I thought it might burst open or something. I even unscrewed the cap a bit!"

" _Oh, don't mind me! Still holding a freakin' inferno over here!"_

"The pool!" Pyrrha yelled, pointing to the back of the house, "Jump in the pool! I'll open the hatch for you!"

" _Hurry! I'm sweating like sin over here!"_

"We will be right back!" Pyrrha assured Sun and Blake before running after Jaune. The two Faunus watched them go through the wooden gate leading to the pool, and heard a large splash of water soon afterwards. A few moments after that one, they heard another splash.

"…Did they both jump in?"

"I dunno," Sun turned onto his back, resting the back of his head on his blanket, "Said they'll be back though. They can't be too long."

* * *

 **Ten minutes later:**

"They're not coming back, Sun."

Yawning, Sun looked up at Blake. "Probably went inside to dry off then… Sleeping out here soaking wet wouldn't be the healthiest thing to do. Speakin' of sleep, I think I'm ready to hit the hay. You?"

Blake rubbed her arm, staring at the tent nervously. "But it's only us, now. Isn't that… you know, a little weird?"

"What's weird about it? We're no different than Jaune and Pyrrha."

"…What do you mean by that?

Oh crap. Sun wished he had an undo button right now. "Uh… You know, like what Nora says. _Together-together._ I think. Right?"

"I thought we said we were going to take it _slow,_ Sun."

"Yeah, I know. But there's a difference between taking it slow and not moving at all."

Blake scoffed, folding her arms. "Fine. How fast do _you_ want to go then?"

"I'd at least like it if you'd hold my hand without me feeling like I'm poisonous," Sun answered a bit too bluntly.

"I don't like being all _lovey-dovey_ in front of others. I'd hold it when nobody's around."

"You lie on my lap when we watch TV though. What's the difference?"

"…There's a big difference," Blake turned her face from him to hide her blush, "Using someone as a pillow is on a different level than hand holding. Like, right below it. It's like hugging your parent."

"Uh huh. Okay. Then hug me."

"What?"

"Hug me," Sun stood up, arms wide, "Right now. People hug others aside from their parents, right? Just think of me as your dad."

"…That sounded really wrong in this context."

"Yeah, that didn't come out how I thought it would. But just hug me then. No big deal, right? Still keepin' it pretty slow, I'd say."

Standing up herself, Blake dusted her pants off before walking over and giving Wukong the briefest of hugs.

"What kind of hug was that?!"

"A parent hug. Short and to the point."

"So there's a time limit to hugs now?"

"Two seconds. Any longer leaps up a few levels."

Sun shook his head in disbelief. "You and these levels… This isn't like you, Blake. We talked that one day about this, remember? You don't have to hide anything when you're with me. I'm _not_ Adam."

"I know that!" Blake yelled, stomping her foot, "It's just…!"

"Just what?"

"I… I don't want to run away from you."

"Run away?"

"I run away, Sun. It's what I do when I have a problem. I ran from Adam, I ran from my friends before… and if something would happen between us, it would be _my_ fault. And I couldn't stay around you and know that I messed up things with you."

Sun reached out to her, placing his hand on her shoulder. "Don't say that."

"But it's true! I can't help it! _It's who I am!"_

"Blake…Calm down-

"I'm sorry, Sun! There's nothing I can do to promise you that I won't do that! I could never assure you that I won't be afraid and run away!"

"There's always something you can do!"

"Like what? _Name it._ Tell me now!"

"I-I dunno?! Maybe-

"What about a kiss?"

"…A kiss?"

" _A kiss!_ Oh yeah, that will _definitely_ work!" she said sarcastically, "If I kiss you, then it will _definitely_ mean I can trust you! I'll know I have nothing to be afraid of if _I kiss you!"_

"Slowing down sounds like a good thing to do right about now."

"No, you wanted to go a bit faster, right? You asked for this! Do you want me to kiss you? _Huh?"_

"Kiss me?!"

"Yeah! Do you want me to or not?"

"Do you want to kiss me?"

" _Yes!"_

"Okay! Then yes, kiss me!"

"Alright! I'll kiss you!"

" _Fine!"_

" _Okay!"_

Grabbing his head in both hands like a coconut, Blake planted her lips on his, nearly clashing foreheads with him. Her eyes glared into his with a slight air of smugness, trying to tell him that a simple kiss wouldn't solve their problem.

Oh was Blake wrong.

She felt her eyelids fluttering as she felt her grip on his head loosen, her hands slowly falling to his shoulders as Sun took a step into her. He put his arm around her waist to catch her as she nearly fell backwards, barely able to stay on her own two feet as she felt herself melting away. After a few more intense moments they pulled back from each other, Blake panting heavily and pink in the face.

" _Wow…"_ Sun grinned, unable to think of a clever quip to say, "So, what now-

" _Get in the tent."_

"The tent?"

" _Yes. Now."_

"But what about the taking it slow thing- _mmph!"_

The two collapsed into the tent, Blake's lips locked around Sun's as their feet scooted through the hatch. The oil lamp inside switched off minutes later just as the campfire flickered and died, leaving the pair with only themselves to keep each other warm.

* * *

"That's my girl!"

Peering from her window, Yang clapped loudly as she watched Belladonna and Sun disappear into the tent. The Lieutenant and Adam were behind her, still in the middle of looking at curtains.

"Good for her!" the big guy added before patting Taurus on the back, "Boss? You good?"

Adam sighed, closing his eyes. His last confrontation with Blake was to be his letting go of her, but now he was feeling some tugging on his emotions.

"Adam," Yang closed the window, "She's moved on completely from you now. If you still care about her in even the slightest way… You'll do nothing to stop this. You got that?"

"…I never planned on it," Adam replied quietly, running his hands through his hair, "It… It is still difficult, Xiao Long. But I am strong. I will be strong for both our sakes. Also, I have Miltia now."

"Good to hear," Yang breathed in relief, "What do you and that girl even talk about anyways?"

"She sent me an image of her breasts the other night, and I must say they were quite tasteful. Would you like to see the image?"

"…Get out of my room, Adam."


	70. Dark Necessities

_**Day 26/30**_

* * *

During her design of the volatile A.I that came to call itself… whatever long title the thing had called itself, Salem had ensured to make it as independent as possible. Hundreds upon hundreds of gigabytes of information was coded into its semi-artificial mind, with a touch of the dark arts infused with it to warp its one-track mind even further than it already was. So when the witch received a message early in the morning from her creation, she felt a mixture of surprise and disappointment when she heard its single question:

" _Why?!"_

"I will need more clarification that that," Salem yawned, still in the middle of her morning cup. Whereas Ozpin had coffee, she had her chardonnay.

"You know exactly what, you insolent sludge whore!" Virulet growled into the communicator, not using Penny's voice for the first time in a while. He hadn't left the vicinity of his lair underground since last night, and for good reason. Though he had only passed by it for the briefest of moments, the fire he had encountered last night had shaken him terribly. "What would make you want to program a sense of _fear_ into my otherwise perfect form?! _You're an idiot! A stupid one at that!"_

Salem pinched her brow: she really should have scrapped this plan the first time he had gotten snippy with her. "Do _not_ call me an idiot."

"I did not call you an idiot. I called you a _stupid_ idiot."

"It's like you think I care about a simple adjective."

"Silence, you fool!" Virulet barked, "I demand an explanation! Present me with one, or I shall rip out your toenails and make you wear them as earrings!"

Downing her entire drink in preparation, Salem sat down on her throne. "Do you know why I agreed to this bet with Ozpin?"

"To win, of course."

"In a way, yes. But when it comes down to it, this whole thing has been a simple farming exercise for me, gathering all my livestock in one place. Ozpin thinks I wanted Fall and her associates to assassinate his pawns. He couldn't have been more wrong. In the end all of humanity will cease to be, even those who foolish enough to pledge their unwavering loyalty to me. And to gather some of those who are most dangerous to myself in one place, defenseless, ripe for the slaughter… I could never pass that opportunity up."

"This seems like quite a stupidly convoluted way of going about it then. Unless you feel no confidence in your previous lackeys."

"Oh, do not misunderstand me. Cinder Fall is quite a powerful tool. Too powerful, if left unsupervised."

Virulet knew exactly what she was inferring. He grinned as he realized he wasn't the only one with fear. "…The Maiden powers. You're worried that svelte slut will become a threat to you! _Mwah-ha-ha, the irony!_ You promise her power that not even you yourself can control! And the only way you can deal with her is if you seal them away! How cowardly of you!"

"Says the one afraid of a minuscule flame," Salem happily retorted, to which Virulet fell quiet, "Don't forget just why she is designated as one of the Latent Four. Your fear is her specialty. Even with only half of the Fall Maiden's powers, she could still melt you to the core."

"Then why give me fear at all?! If I had none, then I would be unstoppable!"

"It is simple, actually. Do you remember how much fear you felt last night in that brief moment? Immense, wasn't it? And I presume you know just what is attracted to fear, now don't you?"

"… _Grimm."_

"Exactly. You are more than an A.I., my creation: you are a lure. If something was to go wrong, if Cinder Fall or anything around you erupted into an inferno, your emotions would send Grimm right towards you. And since they would never attack something as inhuman as yourself, they would be more like reinforcements than a threat."

"Such a twisted way to secure my well-being, you hag… But I love it! _Mwah-ha-ha!_ I could set myself ablaze, and give myself an armada of monsters! It sounds terrifying as all hell, yet extremely efficient!"

"I wouldn't recommend it," Salem crossed her legs, flipping on her computer monitor for her daily camera watching session, "You are still my ace in the hole, after all. You are not immortal. Enough of those flames will literally burn up your data and evaporate you entirely."

"Oh, don't worry. If I was going to off myself I would have done it by now. These humans are so unbearable! Don't you agree? _Hello?"_

In his ramblings, Salem had just went and hung up on him. Virulet threw his communicator onto the cold cement floor, angrily stomping it into pieces.

"That cocky bitch! She'll pay for that! I will call her once more and..."

He looked down at his only form of communication between him and his creator, now in hundreds of tiny fragments.

"Oh, goddamn it all."

* * *

"Goddamn this heat!"

Pouring a bottle of water over his head as he sat by the edge of the pool, Roman beckoned to Neo for another one. The small woman floated in her inner tube towards him, instead opting to kick her feet and drench him instead.

"Not even gonna complain," the crook sighed, spitting out a mouthful of water. He flipped off his hat as Ruby and Weiss walked up by him. The two weren't dressed for swimming, but they were already soaked in sweat.

" _It's soooo hot!"_ Ruby cried, dunking her head into the pool. Her friend rolled her eyes, dabbing her forehead with a handkerchief.

"We were hoping it would be less hot out here," Weiss said, tucking her cloth into her tank top, "The house is basically a sauna right now, with the air conditioning busted. If only I could use my Glyphs…"

"I came out here to relax," Roman answered, closing his eyes, "Not to hear you ladies tell me the obvious. Why do you think I'm out here if not trying to stay cool?"

Ruby and Weiss looked at each other, then at Torchwick. If he wanted to cool down, then he was going to cool down all right. The girls rushed his lounging chair, tilting it up high and into the pool before the screaming crook could even react. His head bobbed to the surface as Neo floated over, giggling as she patted him on the head.

"Like I said," Roman said as Ruby and Weiss pointed and laughed, "Still not complaining."

"You scream like a baby!" Ruby cackled, clutching her gut.

"Even more so than Jaune!" Weiss added, her insult stinging just a bit more than Ruby's.

As Roman opened his mouth to retort, he was cut off by one of the loudest shrieks he had ever heard. All four heads turned from the pool towards the front lawn where the screamer was at.

"That's not good," Weiss said, Ruby zipping past her, _"Hey!_ Don't run by the pool! Do you not remember what happened to Glynda?"

" _Eee!_ You _do_ care, Weiss!"

"That's not… whatever."

Following her friend, Schnee caught up with her just as they approached the circle of tents. Two of them were tipped over and torn, with something rustling around in the one left standing. Clothes and blankets were scattered all around it, whatever that was inside having tossed them out. Weiss picked up a roasting stick as if it were Myrtenaster in case she needed to defend herself.

" _Ruby! Weiss!"_

"Wha- Blake?" Weiss looked around for her teammate, and saw her hiding behind some hedges, "Are you okay?

"We're fine," Blake said, blushing as she pointed to a white garment, "Can you… toss me that shirt?"

Ruby bent down, recognizing it instantly. "Isn't this Sun's? Where's he at?"

"Up here!" Wukong poked his head out a nearby tree, and only his head, "Mind tossing me those pants?"

Picking up on context clues faster (blushing, hiding behind bushes and leaves, asking for clothes), Weiss's jaw dropped as her face turned an intense shade of red. _"D-did you two…?! And outside, of all places!"_

Ruby narrowed her eyes, scratching her head. "Whaddya mean by that?" Weiss whispered the steamy truth into her ear, and Rose pointed at both Faunus accusingly. _"You're both filth! FILTH!"_

"Can that wait?!" Sun gestured back to the tent, "The problem is that _thing_ in there!"

"What is it, then?"

"I'm not sure, Weiss," Blake said, "We didn't get a good look at it when we rushed out of the tent. All I know is its black and small."

"Blake, I told you Zwei is a nice doggy!"

"It isn't _Zwei,_ Ruby! I think it's a-

The side of the tent burst open as the mystery creature stumbled around blindly, its glowing eyes covered by Sun's boxers. After some thrashing, the little monster fell flat on its rump and looked at the four people all staring at it in shock. The mini elephant trumpeted once, wiggling its deep black ears and blinking twice.

" _A tiny Goliath?!"_ Weiss gawked, passing over the blatant contradiction in her words.

" _How'd it even get here?!"_ Sun asked, exposing his entire upper body as he nearly fell from the tree. Thankfully he had a prehensile tail, or else he'd be exposing his nether regions to the girls for a second time.

"I don't know…" Ruby tapped her chin, before suddenly zooming over to the down-scaled Goliath and giving it a giant squeeze, _"But its soooo cute!"_


	71. The Amazing and Adorable Mr Tibbs

"We can't keep that thing, Ruby."

" _Nooo!"_ Holding the tiny Goliath under her arm, Ruby clasped her hands together as she began to beg Yang to let the mini pachyderm stick around. Weiss and Blake were on the couch nearby, Sun having ran upstairs to check on the claw marks Belladonna had left on his back last night. "I know he's a monster, but just look at him! How can you say no to these big yellow eyes! I even named him Mr. Tibbs! I gave him a little name tag too! See?"

She thrust the little beast into Yang's face, trying to prove her point. The elephant poked Yang on the nose with his trunk as Yang inspected the sticky note name tag tied around his neck with yarn.

"Okay, it's cute," Yang admitted, pushing the Grimm out of her face, "But this thing could be dangerous, Ruby! You know how big these things get when they're full sized!"

"Yeah, I know… But we don't know if he'll even get that big! He's so pudgy and little now!"

"Ruby has a point," Weiss spoke up, "For that thing to get extremely large would require it to consume a massive amount of negative energy, if it even survives that long."

"Grimm don't survive in captivity," Blake added, "And if it isn't able to feed itself through fear or sadness, then I can't see it lasting even a few more days."

Ruby bit her lip, looking at the elephant. "Great. The first time I actually like a Grimm and it won't even live that long… But should we just throw it back into the wild? It must have wandered this way for a reason."

"It must have sensed something to feed off of," Blake said as Ruby put Mr. Tibbs down. The pachyderm walked over to a sleeping Zwei, poking him in the ear and scurrying away the moment he awoke. "Somebody in this house must be feeling pretty bad, or there would be no other reason for it to have come this way."

"Couldn't be _you_ then!" Ruby whispered to Weiss, both snickering at the Faunus.

"Stop that!" Blake blushed, Yang patting her on the back.

"Oh, don't be so prude, Blake! It was just a bit of _monkeying_ around!"

" _YANG!"_

With the girls laughing at Blake's expense, they all seemed to forget the reason they had gathered together in the first place. Mr. Tibbs turned back to look at them before climbing two feet at a time up the steps in search of the sadness it had smelled since the moment it was born.

* * *

Ren pushed himself out from the hole in the wall, pushing his soaked bangs off his forehead. It was one thing being stuck in a hot house with no air conditioning; it was another thing being the guy delving into humid crevices to fix the machine itself. He sat up, leaning against the wall as Nora invaded his personal space.

"Did ya fix it?"

"Nora, I'm going to give you the same answer I gave you five minutes ago. And that answer is no."

"Do you-

"And no, Nora. I do not require your help."

Giving him a huff, Nora folded her arms and pouted. "But I'm good at fixing things... You don't have to be a poopy head about it!"

Ren sighed, feeling that same sense of guilt again. Of course he hated to tell Nora no when it came to things like this, but he knew something destructive would happen if he sent her into the crevice. Then again, it wouldn't be fair if he didn't at least give her a shot. Things were already not so great, anyways. "If I let you help, then you have to promise to be gentle."

"Gentle? _Of course!_ I am the definition of gentle!"

"…Right. Your hands are smaller than mine, so I need you to reach in there between two metal plates and pull on-

" _You got it!"_

"I wasn't finished explaining!" Climbing over his legs, Nora burrowed into the tiny hole. Ren quickly held her skirt down so any passerby wouldn't take a peek. That in itself was hard to do with how roughly the girl was thrashing around, humming as she went on with her task. "You have to be careful, Nora! If you move around too much, the whole thing will collapse!"

" _Fixed~!"_

"…Wait. What?"

Popping out from the crevice, Nora smile widely as a blast of cold air shot out from behind her and from every vent in the house. Ren stared at her incredulously, unsure if this was really the Nora he thought he knew.

"It was _sooo_ simple, you silly!" Nora giggled, "All those parts you took out didn't even do anything. Just that little switch in the front needed flipped!"

"Huh. I would never have guessed…" Ren felt like collapsing from exhaustion. All that unscrewing, tinkering, and sweating was for nothing. Maybe a nap wouldn't hurt right now…

"So!" Nora beamed, "Do I get a reward? Pancakes? Or maybe something even _better…?_ Like, oh, I don't even know! What would a guy who's been best friends with a girl for like _EVER_ give her as a special treat for doing something _super awesome_ like this!?"

"Be my pillow, please."

With that, Ren's eyes slammed shut and he collapsed onto Nora's lap. The spritely girl screamed silently, waving her hands excitedly as he began snoring softly into her leg. She didn't even care that they were in the middle of the hall:

 _This. Was. Happening!_

In her glee, Nora didn't notice the tiny pachyderm wander by her into a nearby room. Mr. Tibbs was aching from the happy vibes she was emitting, and needed to find some misery to feed on quickly. He wasn't sure how much longer his weakening tiny legs could carry him!

"Why, hello there little one!"

Mr. Tibbs wasn't going to have to worry about walking anymore as he felt someone hoist him up off his feet. Velvet turned the little Grimm around to look at it face to face, smiling at it.

"Now, how did you get in here? Shouldn't you be out with your kind someplace else?"

Mr. Tibbs trumpeted in response as Velvet looked at his name tag.

"So your name is Mr. Tibbs, huh? I've never held a Grimm before. This is kind of exciting! Oh! This give me an idea!"

The little elephant waved its stubby legs as Velvet ran down the hall with him. She hopped over Ren and Nora, nearly tripping over the former's toolbox as she bolted into the room of a 5-Star Man. Black was sprawled out over his bed, sheets thrown all over the place in complete disarray. Never had he looked so apathetic towards the world.

"Ahem!" Velvet cleared her throat to catch Merc's attention. When he finally looked up at her, she help out Mr. Tibbs like a present. "Ta-da!"

"…Where did you get that thing?" Merc yawned. Smelling his overwhelming negativity, Mr. Tibbs began reaching out at him with his trunk, inhaling the pessimism.

"Someone named him Mr. Tibbs. He was out in the hall for some reason. I know it's a Grimm, but look how adorable he is! I think he likes you too!"

Merc just shook his head. "I don't get you."

"Pardon?" Velvet asked, setting Mr. Tibbs down.

"Why're you coming on to me?"

Blushing, Velvet tried to deny the truth. "W-What do you mean?"

"I don't want your pity! The last thing I need is a chick to want to bang me just because I'm not happy! _That's pathetic!"_

"You don't have to be so harsh about it…"

"And now you bring me _this?!"_ Merc gestured to Mr. Tibbs, sitting motionless by his bed, "Look, get over yourself! Stop acting like a white knight and leave me alone! I don't need anybody, you hear! _I already lost enough!"_

With that last statement, Mercury stepped out from under his covers, having completely forgotten he wasn't wearing pants. His eyes widened when he noticed Velvet gasp at his metal prosthetics, and it only angered him more.

"Mercury…"

" _Get out! NOW!"_

" _F-Fine!"_ Velvet stomped her foot, turning so he couldn't see her face anymore, _"Just be pathetic and mope around then!"_

She ran away just as fast as she had entered, leaving Mr. Tibbs behind to absorb the negative emotions floating in the air. Grunting, Merc plopped back onto his bed and buried himself under the covers once more.

A few moments later, he threw them right off.

He had no idea what it was, but something was not letting him return to his previous state of mind. Mercury slapped his cheeks, trying to come to his senses. The last thing he needed was to think like this. He was trained not to feel regret. He lived every day not giving a damn about other's feelings aside from his own, just like he had been taught to by his…

Merc looked at his legs, and understood why this was digging under his skin so much.

Looking down at Mr. Tibbs, Merc pointed a finger at the pachyderm. "Don't eat my shit. I'll deal with you when I get back."

The Grimm watched him trudge out of the room after Velvet and prepared to follow after him. However, he soon picked up an aura even viler and negative than Black's current disposition coming from below his feet in the deepest part of this building. Maybe this individual could help him grow big and strong…


	72. Tell Me Your Scars

_**Reviewer The Dark Deceiver pointed out that I had some facts on Grimm biology wrong, and I gotta thank him for it. Lovecraftian monster biology isn't by strong suit. However, I'm gonna be a little creative and stick with Mr. Tibbs consuming negative emotions to grow big and strong. He's already a special Grimm anyways. We don't know too much about how Grimm survive, so why not implement a bit of theoretical details into the story, eh?**_

 _ **Also, if anyone is wondering why I named him Mr. Tibbs, its another It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia reference to a plush elephant owned by one of the main cast.**_

* * *

"You want to move to Atlas?"

Cinder looked up from her diary at Emerald, sitting at the opposite side of her bunk. The green haired thief untangled her legs from Fall's as she continued discussing her plans for the future.

"Yeah," Em admitted, crawling over to her partner. She nestled herself in between her arm and her chest, looking up at her. "With all of the money we're going to get, we can find a nice high-rise apartment for ourselves. Maybe even one overlooking the Poseidon Lake, if we want."

Her happiness triggering something darker in her mind, Cinder laughed lightly to try and hide it. "You seem to have this all planned out already."

"I've been thinking about it for a while now. You know, if we ever ended up like this. Together, I mean. It was just a stupid dream of mine before. Never really thought it could come true."

"Indeed," Fall closed her book, lying back on her pillow and sighing deeply. Sustrai could sense she was acting a bit apathetic. She leaned into her more, putting her arm over her waist.

"Something wrong?"

"No. It just got me thinking, that's all. About what _I_ have to do soon."

"Oh, that…" Em knew just what she meant. If things were going to change between Cinder and the people from Beacon for good, there was one thing she had to return to them. "Is it even possible though?"

"If a Fall Maiden's powers can be stolen, they can be returned. How that would work I do not know, but I must find a way."

"If anyone can figure it out, you could. I know it."

"That's… That's not what I'm worried about," Cinder tilted her head so it was touching Emerald's, "You saw the pain in Amber when I stole her powers. She was quite powerful – much stronger than me on my own - yet it nearly killed her. When I have to return them, I don't know what will happen to me."

"Don't talk like that. I don't like it."

"Don't you understand? I _can't_ avoid the possibilities. That would just be foolish of me. I don't want you to have these _perfect dreams_ without considering I might not be around for them!" Cinder let a bit of venom drip into that last part. When she saw Em retract from her, she looked away in shame. "I… I'm sorry. This has been digging at me for some time now."

Em gave her a sympathetic look, slowly descending onto her chest and placing her ear on her beating heart. "You've got nothing to be scared of. I'll make sure of it."

Just her promising words made Cinder feel much calmer inside. She kissed the top of Emerald's head, wrapping her arms around her and closing her eyes. Now that she had confided her deepest fear to her, there was one other thing she had to tell Emerald. But telling her outright would be boring: She was going to show her instead.

" _I am beautiful with you… Even in the darkest part of me…"_

Emerald's eyes shot open at the melody coming from Cinder's mouth. She held herself up over Cinder with her hands, having to see her singing with her own vision to believe it.

" _I am beautiful with you… Make it feel the way it's supposed to be…"_

Cinder could feel her hands shaking, her voice quivering as she reached the end of the short chorus of the song she held close to her heart. If this was anyone other than Emerald she was singing too, she wouldn't even have gotten this far without freezing up.

" _You're here with me, just show me this and I'll believe… I am beautiful with you."_

There were so many things Emerald wanted to say right now, but only one question stood out from among the rest. "…Why didn't you tell me?"

"It was going to be a secret," Cinder smiled, "I've been practicing with Weiss for Ruby's birthday when we were going to sing for her. I wanted to surprise you then, but… I just couldn't help myself. I don't want to hide anything from you anymore, Em."

"Cinder…"

Now that earned Cinder a kiss. As Emerald leaned down to do so, their lips centimeters apart, the closed door burst open. Sustrai nearly fell out of the bunk bed as Ruby rushed in.

"Ruby!" Emerald growled, not appreciating the kiss-blocker, "Knock next time!"

"Sorry! But have either of you two seen a tiny little Goliath walking about?"

"A Goliath?" Cinder raised an eyebrow, "Surely you don't mean a Grimm?"

"Yup. Found a cute little baby one. Lost him already. Answers to Mr. Tibbs. Maybe. I didn't really train him to answer to that at all, but give it a shot!"

And with that Ruby was gone, leaving Cinder and Emerald as confused as ever.

"I think it is best we stay out of this one," Cinder said, pulling Emerald down to her slowly, "We've earned the time off, wouldn't you say?"

"Want me to go lock the door?"

"Only if you think someone else is going to barge in."

"…Yeah, I'm gonna lock it."

"That is probably for the best."

* * *

Velvet was beginning to accept that all the things everyone had said about Mercury were true. She sat over an air vent in the basement, cooling her flustered face and deciding that there was no need to try and get on Black's good side. She should have known it was too good to be true; someone with a smile as smooth as his couldn't have a decent personality to match.

"Its fine," Velvet told herself, "It's only a few more days. It can't be that hard not to avoid him." If she hadn't turned around just after that, then that statement would have still held true. Merc stood a few yards from her, leaning against the popcorn machine.

"Ouch," he said, reaching in for a kernel, "Gonna avoid me now, eh?"

Scarlatina clenched her fists. "Please, go away."

"Relax. I'm not here to fight with ya, unless you ask for it," It was then Velvet spotted the gleam of his lower legs. He had left the prosthetics exposed on purpose. "These fascinate ya, huh?"

"Not anymore," Velvet folded her arms, shoving her curiosity away.

Merc just sighed at her. "Yeah, could've guessed that."

Quiet. The only sound for the following minute was the whirring of air coming from the vent. The two stood there, not facing each other. As much as he hated having to do so, Merc figured he had to take the initiative.

"I didn't come here to apologize, by the way. Not my style. Just had to get something off my chest."

Velvet's ears perked up for a moment, but then drooped once more. She couldn't let him know she was interested in what he had to say.

"Ever hear of Marcus Black? You might've. He was a shitty father, but a pretty skilled man. Never knew when to stop doing something though. Drinking, beating… teaching. That last one was the death of him. Never pass down all of your secrets to anyone. Makes you weak."

"I'll keep that in mind," Velvet replied with no sincerity, "So what happened to him?"

"I killed him."

 _"…You what?"_

"I killed him. Ended him. These legs?" he gestured to the metal holding him upright, "He never got to see 'em. He only had the chance to break my old ones. So I broke his neck. I think patricide is the technical term for it."

"You're scaring me, Mercury…"

"Good. That's good. And it means my point is being proven."

Velvet needed to sit down, her head in a daze as Black popped another kernel into his mouth. "But… But you seem so aloof here! You're never trying to kill anyone, or even retaliate when they hurt you! I don't understand!"

It was then Black began to chuckle, shaking his head. "I'm here because I was ordered to be. And now that I don't take orders from anyone, I'm here for the prize. I'll do whatever I have to do to get it. There are two sides to me. One is nice. He'll hold his anger back, and might even try to get laid while here. He's been pretty active lately."

"A-And the other one?" Velvet asked nervously.

"Now he isn't so nice. If you were about to die, he wouldn't help you if it meant endangering myself. He only looks out for one person, and I think you know who that person is. That's the _real_ me. Don't take it personally, Velvet. I just have to do what's best for me."

Black started to leave, stopping in the aisle way to look back at Scarlatina. There was just the slightest hint of remorse in his eyes, but you'd have to squint to notice it. "If I could choose between them, I'd go with the first one. I don't see him enough. But this world won't allow for me to be him. Right now he's feeling a bit down. Enough rejection really hits him hard. But he'll be back, if briefly. Other guy needs to get back in place."

"But you don't have to be that person anymore!" Velvet clasped her hands, as if in prayer, "Look at Cinder, and Emerald, and Roman! They've changed so much! You can be like them if you let go of the past!"

"Sorry," Merc was at the steps now, looking down on her, "If all the scum and villainy had a change of heart, there wouldn't be any more heroes left either. Somebody's gotta fight 'em. Somebody's gotta do the dirty work. And that somebody can't get attached to anyone, especially to a Faunus as doe-eyed as you. That's why I prefer one night stands. I forget about them. I wouldn't forget about someone who I know is waiting for me to come back to them. Dying on them would be the last thing I'd want to happen. "

"Then… Then can we still try?"

Black rolled his eyes. "Did you not hear _anything_ I just said? I'd rather not have to repeat it all. Those metaphors are too clever to be repeated. It'll kill the effect."

"I did hear you. Every word. And you said that the you I came to know will be back for just a bit. The one who doesn't kill, the one you want to be. Even if it'll be just for a few days, I want to get to know him. And once things come to an end at this house, we'll go our separate ways no questions asked. It would mean a lot to me, Mercury."

"Velvet…" Merc pinched his brow, trying his best to look away from her. In most cases he would just say yes and humor her, and then try to bang her like any other girl.

But Velvet wasn't like the rest, for some reason.

He peeked at her from under his palm, her big eyes locking with his. They were so full of a hope he hadn't seen in a long, long time. He'd never really noticed that before, now that he thought about it.

…He was going to regret this.

"Three days. After that, don't contact me. Forget about me. And I'll do the same in return."

It wasn't much, but it was enough for Velvet. "Then how does a quick film sound to you?"

"Anything but a chick flick. I've seen the DVD's Cinder leaves in the lounge after a night with Emerald. Anything similar to that crap'll put me to sleep."

Smiling as Black walked back down to join her, Velvet caught sight of a small black shape tumbling down the steps. "Oh, look! It's Mr. Tibbs!"

"That thing followed me this whole way?" Merc scratched his head, then shrugged, "Thing's adventurous, I'll give it that."

As Mr. Tibbs trotted over to the two, the movie screen curtain burst open. Virulet scanned the room, spotting the source of the voices that were interrupting his hour of silence used for formulating diabolical schemes. He opened his mouth to berate them, but soon caught sight of a certain miniature Grimm.

"Why, what it this?" Virulet grinned, approaching Mr. Tibbs and hoisting him up high. The Grimm wrapped its trunk around his arm, taking in the pure evil emanating from within Penny's husk.

"Penny, meet Mr. Tibbs!" Velvet replied happily, "He's quite friendly, for a Grimm."

"Really now?" Virulet stared into Mr. Tibbs' beady yellow eyes, immensely pleased by this sudden new arrival, "Oh yes, I think the two of us will become the _best_ of friends…"

* * *

 _Cinder's Song ~_ _ **"Beautiful with You" by Halestorm**_ _, if you want to give it a listen._


	73. Jaune Gets Wet

_**Announcement: With schoolwork piling up at the end of this month, I have been bulk writing chapters in my spare time. And judging by the pace it has been going, this fic will 95% likely be reaching its conclusion next month (unless some freak incident occurs). I can guess you all know that this was coming, with the day timer almost reaching 30, but I just felt like I should say something well ahead of time. I'm projecting it to end within the mid 80's chapter wise, but I know for certain there will be less than 100 chapters altogether.**_

 _ **I haven't thanked you guys in a while either for following/favoriting/laughing at this crazy story, so... Thanks!**_

* * *

 _ **Day 27/30**_

* * *

Some people are just accident prone. One of those people was Jaune Arc. Somehow, no matter the situation, he always ended up on the wrong side of something unfortunate. Perhaps the most unfortunate incident was back at Beacon when he accidentally walked into the girl's locker room and Weiss decked him in the mouth for seeing her in her 'unmentionables'. God damn that Cardin Winchester for switching the gender signs; he nearly had his front teeth chipped because of that!

Today wasn't as perverted, but it sure as heck hurt a lot more. Jaune was just minding his own business, walking back to his room after getting some snacks for him and Pyrrha. It was finally time for them to start watching the rest of the _Galactic Conquest_ films, and he knew Pyrrha was going to love the second installment and its higher levels of romance. She would shower him with affection at any opportunity, and Jaune knew she would crank it up to eleven.

But not _that_ far; he'd have to stop her then. Trying to watch the movie while getting very, _very_ personal would be too difficult of multitasking for him to handle.

With a big plate of chips and drinks in his hands, Jaune just passed by Ruby's room when the door flew wide open and nearly hit him in the face.

Or, at least he _wished_ that was the case. If only he had walked just a bit faster he could have avoided an entire platter of food being crushed into his shirt, not to mention his nose getting very acquainted with the hard, mahogany wood door. Jaune was surprised his nose could even bleed that much.

Pyrrha had heard him scream and rushed from their room to his aid. Poor Ruby felt so terrible for almost breaking his nose, offering to clean up the mess of food all over the carpet. Being the macho-man he liked to think he was, Jaune told Nikos to help Ruby out as he went to deal with his battle wound on his own in the bathroom.

Which brings us to the present, with Jaune hunched over the toilet with an empty roll of paper towels at his feet. Seriously, that door must have broken a vessel or something! The toilet water was as red as an apple with all the used towels he had shoved in!

"This better be the last one…" Jaune mumbled, removing the white sheet from his nostrils. Thankfully, it seemed his leakage had finally stopped with only a faint speck of pink visible. He dropped it into the water, noticing that he couldn't even see the hole at the bottom anymore. Not thinking much of it, he went and flushed the toilet.

"Oh, man," Jaune stood and looked at himself in the mirror, blotches of dry blood staining his skin, "I look like I was just possessed or something!"

As he splashed water on his face, Jaune realized he hadn't heard the loud sound of flushing from behind him. He spun around to see that the water level had risen just a bit higher than he last remembered. Almost a little too high, in fact. Shrugging, he just flushed it again.

"Now that isn't right," said Arc, scratching his head as the water didn't even make the slightest of ripples. His dad hadn't really taught him much about plumbing, so this was something he probably shouldn't mess with...

But if he did manage to fix it by himself, it'd make him look even more macho. Jaune's ego wasn't on the same level as Mercury's, but he still needed to stroke it once and a while. Jaune grabbed the plunger, studying the suction cup end before shoving it into the bowl. A gush of nasty red water seeped out from between the seat and the rim the moment he did so.

"Plan B, I guess?"

Flipping the tool around, Jaune poked the mass of soaked paper towels with the wooden handle end. What he had not known was that this was the same plunger Cinder had cracked in half two weeks ago to threaten Roman with, and had been shoddily taped up to hold it together.

So of course it snapped on him.

"You gotta be kidding me!" Jaune threw the suction cup onto the wall as the handle sunk deeper into the toilet, "Now you listen here! You're gonna flush one way or another!"

For whatever reason, Arc thought he saw the water levels recede a bit. Grinning, he dropped to his knees and rapidly started flushing. The sounds of gurgling water sounded like victory to him.

Oh-ho, not even close.

" _GLLUUURRRGGHHH!"_

Like a whale shooting mist from its blowhole, Jaune got his first (and hopefully last) taste of toilet water. He flailed backwards, screaming as a shower of water rained down on him and soaked the entire bathroom.

" _Stop! Stop!"_

And then there was a knock on the door.

"Hurry up!" Weiss ordered from outside, oblivious to the sounds of chaos from within, "Other people have to go too!"

" _No!"_ Jaune shouted, kicking into the bowl to try and stop the overflow, _"Give me like ten minutes!"_

"Come on, Jaune! I can't wait too much longer…!"

" _J-Just hold on Weiss!"_ Suddenly, Jaune couldn't pull up his leg. He looked down in absolute horror as he realized he had jammed his shoe right into the maw of the porcelain beast, with the water now flowing out like a waterfall. _"Oh, sweet God no."_

There was a second knock, and Jaune's stomach dropped at the sound of Pyrrha's voice.

"Jaune? Are you okay in there?"

" _Y-yeah!"_ Jaune didn't care if the Gods struck him down with a bolt of lightning for lying to his girl; the very last thing he wanted Pyrrha to see was him with his foot stuck in the shitter. _"Just dandy!"_

"Are you sure? You sound quite flustered."

"Nope! Not at all!"

"Get him out of there!" Weiss said, legs now crossed, "I _really_ have to go!"

"Jaune, _please_ open the door. Weiss _really_ has to use the restroom."

" _I-I would if I could!"_ Arc pushed on the wall with his free leg, using whatever leverage he could to free himself, "Kinda in the middle of something!"

"I am going to open that door!" Weiss yelled, her voice strained, "You have five seconds to finish, and then I am going in regardless of what you're doing!"

"Please don't!"

" _FIVE!"_

"Oh, come on! Don't count!"

"Are you sure you don't need my help?" Pyrrha asked once more.

" _FOUR!"_

" _Get Weiss a bedpan or something!"_

" _THREE!"_

"I don't think we have bedpans here, Jaune."

" _TWO!"_

" _Shit-shit-shit! Get outta that damn hole, foot!"_

"What hole is your foot-

" _ONE!"_

" _WHAA!"_

With one last kick, Jaune's foot popped out of the toilet. He flew backwards into Weiss just as he kicked the door in, the two jumbled together as the porcelain monster went into full-on rage mode. Pyrrha's eyes widened in total fear at the sight of red and brown water bubbling at the brim just before it erupted like a geyser.

" _Get down!"_

Jaune tackled Pyrrha to the ground seconds before a gush of water blasted through the doorway. Unfortunately for Weiss, no one had come to her rescue and she was drenched by the smelliest of H2O.

" _AIIEEE!"_ Schnee cried out, doing her best to cover herself from the sewage. Luckily, she was able to scurry out of the way, gagging the entire time. _"I-I'm gonna… be sick…_ _URP-!"_

Even though Weiss had managed to escape, the water was still gushing out. Jaune knew he had started this problem, and he had to fix it. Climbing over Pyrrha, he dove under the gushing water and reached into the room for the door. He pulled it outwards as fast as he could to trap the overflow, the stream pounding on the door like a heavy rainfall would on a rooftop. Just as the commotion started to die down, Ruby, Ren, Adam, and the Lieutenant ran onto the scene in investigation.

" _What the heck was that_?!" Ruby asked, noticing her bestie leaning into a potted plant, "Weiss! What happened to you?!"

" _I… never want to remember this… ever."_

"Sounds like a thunderstorm in there!" the Lieutenant exclaimed.

"More like a _shit-storm_ if you ask me!" Yang grinned, receiving annoyed looks from everyone, "Oh, come on. That one was perfect."

Ren stepped in front of Xiao Long to give Jaune a disappointed look, "Please tell me you didn't flush it rapidly."

"I… _may_ have done that," Jaune admitted, "I may have also clogged it up with paper towels and part of a plunger, but that's all just a hypothetical right now, you know? _Heh-heh…"_

"I'm not laughing Jaune."

"Yeah, I figured you wouldn't."

"So how are you going to fix it?" Pyrrha asked Ren, "Sounds to me like we can't even open that door without getting wet."

Tapping his finger to his chin, Ren let the gears turn in his head. His jack-of-all-trades training had prepared him for moments like this, though indoor plumbing wasn't his strong suit. There was only one thing he could think of, but it would cost them a high price.

"Ruby, go get Weiss cleaned up somewhere. We don't want her to get sick. Lieutenant, I'm going to need your help with this one."

"What about me?" Jaune asked, "I mean, I am responsible for this whole thing and all. Feel like I should at least try and fix it in some way."

"You just stay away from the bathroom. Far, far away from it."

"I… Yeah, I'm not gonna argue with that one."


	74. Home Improvement - Not So Good Edition

"I never expected to see this in my lifetime," Cinder said, peering over the bed at the two tiny creatures running in a circle. Zwei and Mr. Tibbs had really hit it off, the adorable tubby animals having spent the entire morning chasing each other around the house. It was hard for Cinder to comprehend a Grimm experiencing some sort of emotion; that emotion being _joy_ was even stranger. Not that she disapproved, of course. Zwei was cute on his own; a little pachyderm friend brought the cuteness levels to an all-time high.

Reaching for her scroll to film the delightful play session, Cinder nearly fell out of her bunk when the door flew open with no warning. Zwei and Mr. Tibbs were almost trampled by Ruby carrying an incredibly stinky Weiss over her shoulder. She plopped the heiress onto the carpet as Cinder pinched her nose.

" _Oh, God!"_ Fall winced, her eyes beginning to water from the stench, _"What the hell happened?!"_

"Toilet water!" Ruby said, throwing a blanket onto Weiss to cry her off, "Jaune's fault!"

Fall remembered the loud yelling coming from the hallway a little bit ago; it was a good thing she decided not to go investigate. "Then why bring her in here Ruby? _She reeks!"_

"Huh. Didn't really thin this one through that much."

Weiss's face turned a sickly shade of green. _"Buh… Bucket…"_

Spotting Cinder's trash can, Ruby snagged it just before Schnee made a mess of the rug. Cinder wasn't too happy about that one. She'd already cleaned puke out of the thing before, and was hoping she'd never have to do it again. "Can you please take her outside? If I keep smelling her then I'm going to vomit as well."

"This is so embarrassing…" Weiss moaned, wiping the dribble from her mouth, "Jaune's going to pay for this when I'm feeling better!"

"Aw, you don't mean that!" Ruby smiled, making the mistake of slapping Weiss on the back.

" _Blurp!"_

"Gah! Look into the bucket, Weiss! Mystical mysteries lie within!"

With Ruby rubbing her best friend's back comfortingly, an arriving Emerald took one step into the room and immediately regretted doing so. She looked at Cinder sympathetically. "Are you sure you don't want to switch rooms with Nora?"

As Weiss began gagging once more, Cinder was seriously considering that offer right now.

* * *

"Alpha Minor, do you copy? I repeat, do you copy?"

Standing by the movie theater curtain, Ren looked at his scroll in confusion. He brought it to his ear to question his repair partner he had only left minutes ago. "Lieutenant, you know you can just call me Ren, right?"

"Just trying to add a bit of pizazz," the big guy said, hand on his hip as he kept an eye on the bathroom door, "Adam always lets me use code names when we go out on missions."

"Alright. What should I call you then?"

"What day is it today?"

"Tuesday, I think. Why?"

"I have a different one for each day of the week. Give me a second to remember…"

"We don't have a second to spare," Ren parted through the curtain, flipping on his flashlight as he entered the murky upper basement, "That bathroom is most likely filled to the brim by now. How is the door holding up?"

"Oh yeah, the door," the Lieutenant looked at it for a second, "It's wet. Like, water is seeping through the wood - _Oh!"_

"What? Is something wrong?"

" _Milo!_ That was Tuesday's code name! How could I forget that one? It's such a fabulous nickname!"

"Please focus!" ordered Ren. He ducked underneath a huge cobweb as he came across a mess of pipes. He followed the trail of twisting metal until he stumbled across a door in the floor. As he reached to open it, a head of ginger hair popped out through the hatch.

"What are you doing down here, you fool?!" Virulet spat at Ren, "This is my domain! Leave at once!"

Figuring he could question the strange girl later about why she spent her time down here in the dark, Ren decided to get back to business. "Sorry, Penny. Could I go down there for a minute? We have a plumbing issue upstairs."

"Plumbing, you say?" This intrigued Virulet. As an artificial being, he knew not what this 'plumbing' thing referred to. Was it perhaps a biological process? Or maybe it was the reason for all those blasted pipes he kept running into? "Has anyone been injured by this yet? Just for curiosity's sake, mind you. I gain no joy _whatsoever_ in hearing about the misery of others."

"Well, Weiss is currently throwing up, so that counts I guess."

"Ah, that's delightfully unfortunate! Now please, go away. I'm busy being busy."

"Can't I come down for a few minutes?"

" _NO!"_ Virulet exclaimed, regaining his composure quickly as Ren raised an eyebrow at his outburst. The last thing he needed was for one of these stinking humans to see his masterpiece in its completed state! It would ruin everything! "I mean… No. You cannot. There are many rats down here. _With super-rabies._ Extremely deadly."

"Then how are you down there?"

"I have made them my children. I am the Rat King- er, Queen. Yes! That's it. _The Queen of Rats._ Because I am a _girl._ Not a male in the slightest."

"…Right. Then could you do me a favor at least?"

Virulet sighed, rolling his eyes in exasperation. Why couldn't this flesh bag stop being so pestering? "Fine. How can I assist you?"

"See this pipe?" Ren tapped on a piece of metal that went into the floor, "If you look around in the dark, you should see a rivet sticking out of a part of it. Take this wrench and turn it gently to the right."

Virulet took hold of Ren's tool, studying it. "This looks like a bludgeoning weapon. Could it be used as such?"

"I guess so? Are you going to fix the pipe or…?"

"Yes-yes-yes, I will. Just leave me be." The trap door fell shut, Virulet descending back down into the darkness. He waited for the sound of Ren's footsteps to vanish before starting the task. "Stupid humans… Making _me_ do their menial tasks! I am going to love skinning their spines and playing on their ribcages like instruments! Oh yes, it will be quite marvelous!"

Running his fingers across the pipes, he soon encountered the rivet Ren had mentioned. Virulet looked at the wrench, noticing the gap was much too small to fit around the bolt. The boy had told him to be gentle with the task: Virulet didn't do gentle. Why be delicate when you can be _brutal?_

Gripping the metal tool tightly, Virulet grinned sadistically as he struck the pipe with all his strength. The dented metal made a strange gurgling sound, but the A.I took no notice of it as he continued to beat it.

Big mistake.

" _Yes, yes!_ I shall crush you until you can no longer- _FWAHHHGGH!"_

Virulet may have been afraid of fire, but that didn't mean he enjoyed its opposite. The water from upstairs had now begun to descend downwards out of the busted pipe, slowly filling the basement like a fish tank. Feeling Polendina's circuits begin to spark, Virulet quickly turned his attention to his masterpiece, fully constructed in the far corner of the room. He extended Penny's wires, wrapped around the many fragments of his creation, and crossed his arms to fold it into itself. And to think he almost didn't implement the emergency pack-up form for it! Not being able to slay those flesh bags upstairs with such a gloriously designed body; now that would have truly been a disaster!

"Farewell, my evil lair," Virulet saluted his flooding home, his masterpiece compressing into Polendina's backpack, "You served me well… Now drown in a watery abyss! _Mwah-ha-ha!"_

* * *

"Milo to Alpha Minor, do you copy?" The Lieutenant's ear was pressed to the bathroom door. He had heard an obscenely loud swirling sound coming from within, and needed to contact his partner-in-plumbing. "I think the water's going away! Alpha Minor? You there?"

"Right here," Ren replied from behind him. The big guy dropped his scroll and chest bumped his so hard it knocked him into the wall. "A little warning next time."

"Whoops. So, everything's all squeaky clean? No more trouble?"

"Hopefully. Penny seems to have fixed things down below. Did you even know we had a second basement?"

"Uh-uh. Was it nice and roomy?"

"Not sure. She wouldn't let me go down."

"Maybe we could throw a rave down there. I've got a lot of extra glitter and baby oil on me for one!"

"I would not recommend it," a new voice said, "That room is the equivalent of a fish tank by now."

Ren and the Lieutenant turned to see Virulet beside them, dripping wet and reeking of drainage. "You got up here quick, Penny. Do you need a towel to dry off?"

"Where is the Goliath at?"

The question caught Ren off guard. It was weird; she had answered him so quickly, and without hesitation. Why was she so intent on finding that creature when she was coated in sewage?

"I think its playing with Zwei. But why-

"Thank you kindly," the A.I bowed, then walked briskly off with a dark smile on his lips. With his masterpiece complete, there remained only one thing left to do before the big day.

"That was odd," the big guy shrugged, "Guess I'll go tell everyone we don't have running water anymore. This'll go well…"

Ren stood alone in the hall, Penny's strange behavior on his mind. Yes, she was always a bit quirky. But something about her just now was… _off._ Not in a so weird its funny way, though. More like she was putting on an act, like she was hiding something.

And it worried him just a bit more than he liked it too.


	75. Daily Life with Lunatics

_**Day 28/30**_

* * *

With the lack of running water in the house, there was only one alternative left for the participants to use as a way of bathing: the pool. Due to its openness to the cameras, Emerald had volunteered to destroy the one that filmed it. Sorry, but the viewers wouldn't be getting another dose of fanservice before the end.

As 1:00 approached, it was that time of day when Emerald came to clean the pool. How she ended up the pool maid she did not know, but someone had to do it. Her job was just getting nastier with people using it as a giant bathtub, and the last thing she wanted it to be used as next was a sink.

So of course that was what happened next.

"Oh, come on!" Emerald snarled as she walked up on Adam spitting into the pool. He turned around, his mouth foaming from toothpaste.

"Is something the matter?"

"Don't spit in the pool, you idiot! People take baths in that now!"

"Ah, I see," Adam nodded, deciding he should just spit on the pavement instead, "Better?"

 _"No! Stop spitting!"_

Suddenly, the Lieutenant's head popped up from under the water. "Hey! Adam can spit if he wants too!"

"How long were you down there?" Adam asked his subordinate.

"…How long have you been brushing your teeth?"

Emerald was not in the mood for this. "Both of you! Outta the pool!"

"I'm going to decline that demand," Adam said, spitting once more into the water.

"Yeah! We're not finished yet!" the big guy said, also spitting. Both Adam and Emerald stared at him, not sure if that had just happened.

"Did you… Did you just spit into your mask?"

"…I will neither confirm nor deny that."

* * *

A few weeks ago, Cinder wouldn't have cared if Weiss Schnee was even alive. The two had started off on the wrong foot from the start, and nobody would have ever expected them to share a friendly conversation, let alone a bond of any sort. Now Fall was worried sick about the heiress's current state of health.

She sat at Weiss's bedside with Ruby, Blake and Yang, the former holding a nearly empty box of extra soft tissues in her lap. Schnee reached out and brought another one to her nose, blowing it loudly and dropping it on the floor. Just the slightest ingestion of the toilet water had made her incredibly ill, having woke up this morning with a stuffy nose and a sore throat. It was the latter condition that made Cinder anxious.

"Are you sure you don't want a warm glass of milk?" Ruby asked.

"No _\- cough! -_ thank you, Ruby," Weiss wheezed, "But a bowl of soup sounds quite good right now _– cough!"_

"We'll get Ren to make one right away," Yang assured, patting Weiss on the shoulder, "Chicken noodle or tomato?"

Blake gave Yang an odd look. "Why didn't you offer her tilapia soup?"

"You mean the fish? I don't think they put that in a can, Blake."

"It's what I always have when I'm not feeling well."

"Of course it is, kitty cat."

"Yang, we talked about this. Enough with the cat jokes."

"Stop making it easy for me then."

"Excuse me," Weiss interjected quietly, getting the girls' attention, "I actually – _cough!_ \- like clam chowder soup."

" _Eew!"_ Ruby stuck her tongue out, "Clams are gross, Weiss! How can you even chew those hard shells they have?"

Rather not wanting to correct Ruby, Weiss just sighed and laid her head back into the pillow. She noticed Cinder hadn't spoken much at all, and figured it had something to do with the future of their duet at Ruby's party. "…Could you three go grab that soup? I _\- cough! -_ can feel my stomach growling."

"All of us?" Blake asked curiously, "Does it really take three of us to carry a bowl up the stairs?"

"I'd like an extra-large bowl, actually."

Ruby gave Weiss a thumbs up. "Then we'll make it super-extra-awesome large! Come on, let's go make Ren make food!"

Once the rest of her team was well out of range, Cinder went and closed the door. She let out a small laugh when she sat back down by Schnee. "Ruby's eccentricity never ceases to amaze me."

"She'd be much calmer if her sister wasn't just like her," Weiss said softly, "But I don't mind _\- cough! -_ it anymore. It's what makes her who she is."

"…Your voice sounds like it is getting better."

Weiss looked away from Cinder. "I'd thank you if that was the truth."

"What are we going to do then? We were going to sing together. That's how we rehearsed it. I learned my lyrics and you learned yours."

"…You'll have to learn a few more then."

Cinder felt an uneasiness in her gut. "Weiss, no. I can't do it by myself. I need a partner."

"Who then? Adam? I've – _cough!_ – heard him sing, but it's not good in the slightest."

"Don't joke about this!" Cinder hugged her shoulders, turning her back to Weiss, "You remember how I feel about singing in front of others. I only agreed to do it in front of the entire house because I had you as a partner!"

"So are you _– cough! –_ just going to walk away from it?"

She considered it for a brief moment, but Cinder knew she couldn't say yes to that. "…What if I make a mistake? If I screw up everyone will notice. Some might even laugh."

"Nobody will laugh at you… Except _– cough! –_ maybe Mercury. But don't think about him. Think about Ruby. Think about Emerald. If you _– cough! –_ focus on those who you know believe in you, you'll do wonderful on that stage."

Feeling a surge of confidence rush through her veins, Cinder smiled over her shoulder at Weiss. "I want you in the front row, so you better be well by Friday."

"I wouldn't _– cough! –_ miss it for anything."

* * *

"Alright now, you minuscule hellspawn," Virulet announced, pacing back and forth in the upper basement before his new forced recruit in his master plan of vileness. Mr. Tibbs was lying on his back, trying his best to touch his trunk to his tail. "I am here to instruct you on how to be – wait for it - _evil! Mwah-ha-ha!_ Yes, you shall grow hundreds your current size and crush my enemies! Doesn't that sound like such a scintillating plan?"

Mr. Tibbs plopped onto his side, giving up on his calisthenics routine.

"Listen to me, or I shall tie your trunk in a knot and use you as a sponge!" Virulet ignored how little sense his threat made and picked up the tiny pachyderm, _"You are a Grimm!_ You must adopt your primal urges to destroy! Otherwise, you shall die! Do you not understand my words?!"

A bonk to the forehead with his trunk was Mr. Tibb's way of saying he didn't really care that much about Virulet's mission. He had already absorbed enough of the A.I's constant rage and violent thoughts to survive for a whole year. All the elephant wanted to do now was have fun with his new fluffy friend Zwei.

"Fine! Be gone with you then, insipid beast!" Virulet tossed Mr. Tibbs into the air in anger. Thankfully the little guy landed safely on his feet with a squeak, completely unharmed. "I need nothing of your incompetency! I can call upon a beast with tenfold the lack of ferocity you have! Such a useless peon you turned out to be!"

With a trumpet of apathy, Mr. Tibbs trotted out of Virulet's domain in search of his Corgi companion. Virulet stomped his feet furiously at a huge aspect of his master plan literally walking out on him. He noticed in his harsh movement that Penny's joints were becoming tight. It seemed being splashed by the burst of water yesterday had done more damage to her body than he had initially diagnosed.

"Ah, poor Miss Polendina," Virulet chuckled, clenching his host body's fists, "It seems you're running out of juice. But don't worry. You're usefulness is nearing its end. You can join your comrades in death soon enough… _MWAH-HA-HA!_ Ah yes, I am _so_ diabolical, it makes my body tingle with joy! Or perhaps its the toilet water doing that..."


	76. Daddy's Home

Glynda had been keeping her eye on Ozpin's calendar for some time now, and not because she was attracted to the busty barmaid pictured on it. No, the joy of knowing that soon the month would flip over and her imprisonment within this reeking van would end made her as giddy as a schoolgirl finding out her crush liked her back. And with this day coming to an end, the sun just now dipping beneath the trees, her time of revenge was approaching even sooner.

She had been narrowing down the ways she would punish Ozpin and Branwen, sorting the options by which ones were more painful and which were more humiliating. She was leaning towards a public shaming, perhaps tying the men up in the courtyard at Beacon and distributing tomatoes to students for a rousing game of 'Paint the Dumbasses Red'. That one sounded quite lovely. Only 48 long, painstaking hours to go…

"Finally done watching that show, Oz?" Qrow's raspy voice broke Glynda's peace of mind. Yawning, she laid her head back in her seat as Branwen stepped around her to see what Ozpin was doing on his computer.

"Unfortunately, the site hosting my stories was taken down," the Headmaster said, his eyes focused on the screen, "Apparently it is illegal for them to also post live streams of rooster fights for anyone to watch. I must say, those were quite entertaining. Did you know some roosters have teeth?"

"Do I look like a bird geek?" Qrow said, "So what're you doing now? One of those stupid social media slot games?"

"Actually, it is a bit higher end than that, my dear Mr. Branwen. This is legitimate online gambling."

Both sensing a reason to worry, Glynda and Qrow shared a concerned look. "Where did you get the funds to play that, exactly?"

"The donation funds, of course."

" _What?!"_ Qrow and Glynda shouted in unison. The Headmaster raised his palms to them, ushering them to calm down.

"Please, you two. I am an expert at the art of gambling. I am merely trying to increase the total prize amount for our participants. They have done so well this past month in coming to terms with one another, and what better way to show them my appreciation than to present to them double the initial reward?"

"Couldn't we have just siphoned from Jimmy's account again?" Qrow suggested, Glynda snorting in disgust at his immorality.

"Oh, I did at first. Then I ran into an unfortunate server incident, and all player's accounts were hacked and wiped clean. His wallet is just as barren as our own now."

Glynda couldn't believe how far Ozpin had fallen. "I hope he breaks your arms. _Both_ of you two's arms, just to clarify. And maybe your legs too, as an added measure so you'll have to crawl to the emergency room."

"Aw, we love you too," Qrow snapped sarcastically, turning his attention to Ozpin, "You better know what yer doin' here, Oz. You know how gambling can get."

"I can assure you that I will not succumb to greed. The last thing I want to do is commit a sin."

Oh the irony, Glynda thought. Exhausted, she tilted her head to the side to try and fall asleep. She looked at the camera feed monitors, watching as Zwei and the strange miniature Goliath scurried between the rows of seats in the theater. At first she was worried about the presence of such a potentially threatening beast in the vicinity of her students, but then again they had just spent a whole month with murderers and criminals. They could survive sharing space with a surprisingly adorable spawn of evil.

Her gaze shifted to another feed, with a group of housemates crowded in the lounge playing that dance game popular with young folks some years ago. She started picking out the faces: happy as always Velvet, Neopolitan, Sun Wukong, Mercury Black, Pyrrha Nikos, Lie Ren, Nora Valkyrie… Jaune Arc was quite the dancer, apparently. The boy had some 'mad skills', as the children called them. And when Glynda saw the big-time criminal Roman Torchwick step up to the mat to try and beat his score, she would be lying if she said her heart didn't warm just a bit. Allies and enemies smiling together, laughing and having a grand time…

Maybe this whole idea of Ozpin's wasn't such a bad thing after all.

With her focus on the happiness contained within one screen, she barely noticed the impending altercation arriving in another. Glynda smacked her hand on the wall to catch Ozpin and Qrow's attention, pointing at the problem.

"Why is there a taxi going up the driveway?"

"Say what now?" Qrow followed Goodwitch's finger, eyes widening at the vehicle. "Ah, shit. That ain't good. Who the hell could that be?"

"Whoever it is," Ozpin said, attention not leaving his game, "Will bring her Salem victory if they set foot on that porch. I think you know what to do, Mr. Branwen."

"You want me to mug them?"

"I want you to mug them."

"…Give me five minutes."

Any praise Glynda had given Ozpin moments ago just shriveled up and died on the spot.

* * *

"Thanks for the ride!" Taiyang flipped a coin to the taxi driver before looking at the large penthouse about 100 meters before him. Smiling at the thought of seeing his girls again, he strolled forward with a kick in his step. He had a bag of gifts slung over his back for Ruby, ranging from homemade cookies (of Summer's recipe, rest her soul) to ammunition for Crescent Rose. Taiyang couldn't wait to see the look on her face this Friday when she opened them-

" _Ooof!"_

Taiyang's bundle of presents flew into the yard as he was tackled to the ground by a figure dressed in dark clothing. Ready to fight his way out, Tai reached up and grabbed them by the neck. When his assailant started to tap out, he loosened his grip but reversed that decision when he saw their face.

" _Qrow! What the hell are you doing?!"_

"Should be… asking you that…"

Letting go of his brother in-law, Taiyang let Branwen regain air into his lungs. "You know why I'm here. I'm not missing my baby girl's birthday for anything. I had to call up a ferry boat so I could leave Patch to even get here! And getting hold of a taxi wasn't too easy either!"

"I appreciate your dedication," Qrow said, grabbing Taiyang's empty bag as the blonde man started gathering his wrapped gifts together, "But I can't let you go in that house. If you do, then Salem wins the bet. No visitors are allowed anymore."

"Well, tough shit Qrow. I'm not missing Ruby's 16th birthday for anything."

"Guess it'll be the hard way then."

"And what's that supposed to- _MPH!"_

Taiyang started swinging his arms, attempting to hit Qrow as his bag was thrown over his head. Branwen started dragging him towards the woods, and struggled against his in-law's greater physical strength. It was a good thing Ozpin packed a certain chemical with him for a scenario like this.

"Yo Tai!" Qrow reached into his pocket, pulling out a soaked white cloth, "Tell me if this smells like _chloroform_ , will ya?"

* * *

"That did not take long," Ozpin said to Qrow as he entered the van with an unconscious Taiyang in tow.

"Good thing his Semblance was suppressed by the barrier, or things would've gotten bad," Branwen leaned Xiao Long against the wall. He went over to a cardboard box in search of something to tie him up with. Of course, Glynda was extremely appalled by the criminal action.

"You two are going to Hell, you know that?"

Qrow took a couple zip ties over to Tai's body, wrapping his wrists behind his back. "Ah, relax. It's only for a few days. Once he sees how much lien Ruby and Yang bring home, he'll forget all about trying to rip my spine out through my nostrils."

"Funny that you mention the prize…"

Looks of horror from Glynda and Qrow followed Ozpin's statement, the Headmaster sliding slowly out of his seat and calmly pushing his laptop shut. He smiled at the two, in hopes a cheery attitude may calm the rage soon to be rained down upon him.

"If you say what I _think_ yer gonna say," Qrow said slowly, emphasizing each word for effect, "Then you better start prayin' Oz."

"You see, this kind fellow just challenged me to a game of digital cards, promising me that he could pay triple my entire funds if I could best him. And it so happens that I thought he meant a round of _Go-Fish_ and not _blackjack_ , which I have not in the slightest clue how to play…"

"…You lost everything. _EVERYTHING?!"_

"Don't worry, Glynda. We still have our health, and the knowing that our participants have made new friends for life. I'm sure they will be happy with only that as a reward. I cannot say the same for James, however."

Her levels of anger at their highest yet, Glynda looked to Branwen. "If you can hurt him as much as possible right now, I will forgive you for everything you've done here."

"I was gonna hurt him either way, Glynda."

"Please Qrow, whatever you do… Don't break my glasses."

"They're going _right up your ass,_ Oz."

"… _Oh dear."_


	77. Wrap God

_**Day 29/30**_

* * *

"Alright everyone, here's the deal!"

Yang slapped a stack of notebook paper onto the coffee table, looking at everyone sat around her. The whole house was gathered together, minus Ruby of course; can't have the birthday girl around when planning a surprise party now can you? Weiss was absent as well, still bedridden and resting up. Some of them weren't too happy to have been woken up before 8 AM to start working, and groaned internally when they saw the dozens of instructions for properly setting up Ruby's 'Super-Sweet-Sixteenth B-Day' written on them. Half of them hadn't even had their caffeine yet. This was going to be a rough day.

"Isn't this a bit much to throw at us so early?" Roman yawned, rubbing his eyes, "At least let us wake up first."

"No can do, Roman," replied Yang enthusiastically, "Ruby's an early riser, so the only way we can get this going is if we see the sunrise before her! We've got a lot to do to make this the greatest birthday my baby sister will ever have!"

"It's not like she's my sibling…" Roman mumbled like a petty child. Neo elbowed him in the side to put him in place. "Okay, fine. I'll stop bitching."

Pyrrha began leafing through the stack of paper, handing sheets around for everyone to read. "So, shall we start from page one then Yang?"

"Not exactly," Yang said, "We've gotta get through this all at once. We'll have to split into teams to get everything set up. I'll need one team to wrap Ruby's presents and another to help me set up the dance floor downstairs. You guys can pick whichever team you want, but I'll need some muscle downstairs."

"Did you say dance floor?" Ren questioned, "Last I checked there was a _movie theater_ downstairs."

"Not for much longer. Now Ren, I need you to start-

"Cooking the food for dinner tonight. Prepping the cake. Making even more food for tomorrow."

"How'd you know I'd say that?"

"I've been doing it since the first day here, Yang. I know my niche by now."

"Fair enough."

Velvet noticed one hole in Yang's planning. "But what about Ruby? What if she walks in on us setting up all this for her? It would ruin the surprise for sure."

"Don't worry. I locked her in her room like I always do. Though it might not hurt to have someone go and check on her once in a while."

The opportunity to be alone with one of the most potentially compromising individuals to his plan was something Virulet couldn't afford to let slip. "I would be happy to watch your sister for you, Yang. I am one of her _closest friends,_ after all."

"If I may interject," Ren raised his hand, quickly butting in, "I would not mind having you assist me in the kitchen today, Penny. Nora has told me she wishes to spend some time with Ruby lately, anyways."

Now this didn't sit well with either of the two red heads Ren had spoken with, especially the one that was actually human. Nora tried her best not to tackle 'Penny' and physically remove him/her from being in the way of her and Ren. "R-R-Ren! But I…!"

Ren gave Nora the subtlest of looks, but she knew exactly what it meant. Something was up, and he wasn't going to keep her in the dark about it for much longer. For now, she'd try her best to stay quiet. In Nora's case, that was nearly an impossibility.

Virulet was probably even more furious for the boy to blatantly sabotage his scheme. Oh, he couldn't wait to gut him tomorrow! Still, he had to keep up his act of bubbly kindness. For now. "…Very well, then. I suppose I could assist you, oh _excellent friend_ of mine."

"Okaaay then…" Yang brushed off that strange outburst and stood to her feet, "Now let's get to it people! Time isn't on our side today!"

With everyone clustering together to decide which group they wanted to be a part of, Cinder quietly broke off and slipped out the front door. Closing it gently behind her, she looked over to the shed across the lawn. Pulling out a small sheet of lyrics from the pocket inside her dress, she took a deep breath and prepared for her final practice session.

"You can do this," she told herself, staring forward with determination. It was then she noticed a burlap sack in the middle of the grass, brightly colored boxes scattered around it. There was no time to wonder where those came from, or what fate had befallen their owner. She was going to master this song, and she would be damned if anything distracted her from doing so.

* * *

Letting out a great big yawn, Ruby moved Zwei from off her chest and stretched her arms over her head. The Corgi licked her on the cheek before she rolled out of her bed. "Morning, Zwei. Did you have a good sleepy-time?"

" _BARK!"_

"And what about you, little guy?" Ruby bent down and asked Mr. Tibbs, still snoring softly in his sleep. The little Grimm was surprisingly heavy, and Ruby had to let him nap at the foot of her bed instead of beside her and Zwei. She couldn't have two creatures sitting on her while she slept, or else she'd have a pair of crushed lungs! "Aw, you're just a lazy little butt."

Sliding her feet into her slippers, Ruby looked over at Weiss's bed with its covers thrown around everywhere. The heiress was still sleeping like Mr. Tibbs, but had dark bags under her eyes. It must have taken her a while to actually fall asleep last night, with the constant coughing and blowing her nose. Ruby walked over and pulled the sheets over her best friend. "That's better. Now, time for breakfast!"

Ruby put her hand on the doorknob, twisting and pushing outwards. However, the door didn't budge. She tried again, putting all her muscle into it but the door was jammed shut. Was someone trying to trap her in here? Maybe it was Yang playing another prank… or maybe someone had taken the house hostage and locked her away! That would be terrible!

Nah, that probably wasn't it. This wasn't some crazy crime drama show like Sun watched on TV.

And then she remembered just what tomorrow was. Ruby sighed in relief, remembering that Yang and her dad did this every year her birthday came around. They usually didn't lock her in her room a whole day before though. Maybe this party was going to be super-extra special!

If that was the case, she didn't mind being trapped in her room for so long, even if her stomach was growling like a Beowulf right now.

"Man, I hope Ren does room delivery…"

* * *

"No, Mercury. Let me show you!"

The 5-Star Man groaned when Velvet took his hands off the wrapping paper to correct his mistake. His eyes slowly drifted away as the Faunus leaned over his lap and began to fold the colorful paper around the tiny box of ammo for Crescent Rose.

"See? You fold over, then over, then under like this… Are you looking, Mercury?"

"Sure. You go right, left… _right,_ and whatever."

Velvet puffed her cheeks in disappointment. "Don't be such a poop! This is supposed to be fun."

"I can name a few things a lot more fun than folding paper," Merc yawned, plopping onto his back, "And napping would be one of them."

He caught Velvet blushing intensely, wondering what could have made the rabbit so flustered. Only when he realized that he had fallen into her lap did he immediately sit back up. "That didn't happen."

"Then what did happen?" Emerald snickered, "Seems like the 5-Star Man is going soft."

"…I'm too good to respond to that," Merc started spinning a roll of tape on his finger to distract himself from the damage to his masculinity. It was too hard for Velvet not to put her hand on his shoulder to repair it.

"Its okay, Mercury. Guys are allowed to lay on girls once in a while."

"Just give me the present so I can finish this wrapping shit."

Blake could tell that Velvet wasn't the only thing bugging Mercury. "I think he's just bothered that there's something even Adam can do better than him." She jerked her thumb at Taurus, slowly but surely wrapping Ruby's presents in surprisingly neat fashion.

Merc had to force his jaw from dropping at Adam's actual show of competency. "You gotta be shitting me…"

"This is just like folding origami dragons," Adam said, writing on a gift tag, "Except much less fantastical and with less fire."

"I can't believe you're actually writing, too," Jaune said, genuinely impressed at Adam, "I didn't think you were capable of that."

"I may not be the most in-tune with social norms, Arc, but I am not completely incompetent. See?" Adam turned the gift box for everyone to see. They were impressed by his wrapping skills; less impressed by what he actually wrote on the tag. Neo had to quickly leave so she could burst into laughter somewhere in private.

"Um, question," Jaune raised his hand, "Why did you write 'Slippers' on the tag?"

"It is simple, actually," Adam replied with a bit of self-pride, "That way Ruby knows what lies within the box, therefore giving her no need to unwrap it."

"…But that's the whole point, Adam."

"Of what?"

Blake looked over at the five or six gifts Taurus had already wrapped up, seeing the same exact kind of tags on them. "Don't bother. Just… Just don't pick up a pen for the rest of the day, okay?"

As Jaune and Emerald tore open the gifts Adam had already wrapped (much to the bull's disdain), Mercury smiled to himself. He might not be able to fold some stupid paper, but at least he still had one thing going for him over Taurus. In his satisfaction, he was unaware that Velvet had slipped her hand over his until he felt her fingers squeeze in between the top of his. Merc flinched and almost tore his hand away, but found her touch… not as bad as he had thought.

He'd let it slide: 5-Star Men were cool like that.

* * *

Those who had joined Yang in the basement to help prepare the 'dance floor' soon saw why the blonde had hand-picked the Lieutenant to be part of this team. Needless to say, there was no better choice she could have made when they watched him rip one of the movie theater seat out of the floor and tossed it a few aisles away.

"Piece of cake, right?" Yang asked the rest of the team, slapping the big guy on the back "Pretty sure two of you at once can do what he just did."

"But… why?" Roman asked incredulously.

"I want to turn this place into an underground party room, of course! We can't have all these chairs in the way of our dance floor!"

"But there's at least 30 seats in here!" Sun gestured to the rows, "That'll take all day!"

"Why do you think I woke you up so early? Now get your butts moving!"

"Come on, guys!" the Lieutenant urged, literally ripping off his shirt, "Let's get physical! Time to work those biceps! Don't be afraid to get a bit sweaty! I'm looking at you, Sun!"

As Roman and Sun teamed up to remove their first chair, Pyrrha beckoned to Yang to come closer once the guys' back were turned. "Can I… talk to you in private for a moment? It shouldn't take long."

Nodding, Yang followed Pyrrha over to the popcorn machine, filling them both a bag to cover up their secretive conversation. "What's on your mind?"

"It's… It's about Jaune."

"Do you ever think about anyone else?"

"That is kind of the point. You know how we are… 'together-together', as Nora would put it?"

"I would have never noticed," Yang replied jokingly.

"Well, we have been close for some time now, even before we made things 'official' between us. I feel like we have been together much longer than we actually have, and that holds some merit to some… _particular_ feelings I've been having lately."

"Gonna have to define that a bit more clearly for me."

Pyrrha blushed immensely, trying to think of a modest way to suggest it. "These feelings arose when we… camped out with Sun and Blake. I am pretty sure you are aware of _the thing_ that happened between them on that night."

"…Are you talking about what I think you're talking about?"

"I-I'm sorry! I shouldn't bother you with this! It is a bit too personal-

Yang grasped Pyrrha by her shoulders to stop her from leaving. "Not at all, Pyrrha! There isn't anything wrong with going to someone for advice with that. Even if I think you should have asked Blake. At least she knows a bit more about it than I do."

"You've never actually…?"

"Nah," Yang shrugged, "I've still gotta figure out myself first before I start looking for a partner. I'm just glad to see some of my friends moving forward with things like that than wanting to do it myself. I've got a sister to take care of. If you think you're ready to take that step with Jaune, then the decision is yours. I know that anyone you ask will support whatever choice you make."

Feeling at ease, Pyrrha tightened her ponytail. "Thank you, Yang. I couldn't have asked for anything more."

"No pro, no pro," Yang said, "But you better rock that noodle's world if you go through with it, you hear?"

" _Y-Yang!"_

"Just messing with ya! Now let's show those boys how we get the job done."


	78. The Last Supper

The only reason Ren had requested 'Penny's' assistance in the kitchen was for observational purposes; if he had known just how much of a hassle 'she' would cause him he would've taken everything back.

"No, Penny. That is cheddar cheese, not icing."

" _Blast!"_ Virulet snarled, throwing the dairy product to the floor. Ren watched the cheese wheel bounce and roll out of the kitchen with pain in his eyes. "There was a reason I suggested to watch over my _dear friend_ Ruby! I know not the slightest thing about human consumption!"

"…I have noticed that," Ren winced, "Could you finish setting the table then?"

"…Set the table?"

This was the equivalent of teaching a fish to fly. Ren grabbed a handful of silverware from a drawer and handed them to Virulet. "Take one of each of these and put them by the plates on the table. It is fairly simple."

"Are you belittling me, boy?"

"Please, just set the table. Dinner is almost finished cooking. It is almost 5:00, and everyone's expecting a nice meal on the table after a hard day's work."

Viurlet stared at the steak knives in his grasp, wishing he could drive one of them into this boy's neck right now. But the heating stove behind Ren made him not want to take any more steps in his direction, so he'd have to hold back his rage. "Very well, then."

The moment 'Penny' left the kitchen, Ren sighed. His fears had been realized; this was not the same bubbly Penny that had shown up out of the blue. Something was very, very wrong here.

" _OKAY, REN! START TALKING!"_

Ren nearly leaped out of his skin at the sudden shouting in his ear. He clutched his chest as Nora looked upon him judgmentally. "You scared me half to death there, Nora!"

"Good! Because you've got some explaining to do!"

"What do you mean?"

"Oh-ho, you know! That other ditzy redhead girl you're trying to replace me with!"

"…Penny? You think I'm trying to _replace_ you with Penny?"

"Okay, maybe it's not that drastic! But why would you want her help instead of mine! I'm your _bestest-bestest-BESTEST_ friend ever! I can do anything she could do!"

"Nora, just calm down. You're overreacting again."

"Okay, okay, okay…" Nora took a deep breath, slapping herself on the face. "I'm calm, I'm calm, I'm calm… _Alright._ Then what is it? Why not just ask for my help?"

"Because there's something wrong with her."

Nora coked her head in confusion. "Say what now?"

"Haven't you noticed her acting strange lately?"

"Like more than usual, or…?"

"Yes, in fact. The strange laughter, the way she talks, her secrecy and moving into the basement. She's not the same as when she first got here. I don't remember when exactly her personality went off, but I can recall feeling that something just wasn't right for a while now."

"…But why are you worried so much about _her?"_

"Nora," Ren groaned, shaking his head as he took hold of her wrists. She squeed briefly at his gentle touch, trying to contain her giddiness. "If this turns out to be something bad, then I want to take any measures I can to keep you and everyone else safe from harm. You mean the world to me, Nora. If you got hurt and I could have done something to prevent it, I would feel sickened for letting that happen."

"…Boop me, Ren."

"Come again?" Ren asked as Nora pulled her hands from his and held one between their faces.

"Boop me," she smiled, wiggling her fingers, "One at a time, five times. Like this…" She lifted his arm up, touching the tips of their thumbs together. "Boop."

"Okay," Ren nodded, matching their index fingers. "Boop."

"Boop," Nora said softly as their middle fingers met. She inched herself closer as they paused between the boop.

"Boop…" Ren said just as quietly. All he could see of Nora was the blue of her eyes between the cracks of their fingers. The lack of vision made him draw his face just a bit closer to their hands, and she apparently thought the same.

" _Boop."_

With all their digits touching, Nora locked them together in a light grasp. The two lowered their interlocked hands slowly, their faces still inching closer to each other.

And there was nothing to stop them.

Ren used his free hand to help ease Nora into his space as their lips touched softly, the spritely girl lifting one foot off the ground like a ballerina. Nora had daydreamed about this moment for literally _ever_ , but this was better than she could have ever believed it would be. Ren wasn't used to being this spontaneous, but he'd be wrong in saying he hadn't been secretly hoping for it to happen soon. This zany girl made him want to wake up every day since she made his life so much more exciting than it would be. There was no other way he could show how much he admired her than by doing this.

Not everyone felt the same way though.

"Disgusting…" Virulet groaned, peeking through the kitchen door as to not be noticed. He decided to leave the pair be. It would be so much more satisfying to kill them together now. Virulet was always up for cutting a budding romance short.

He walked over to window, peering out at the lawn as something caught his eye. A figure was walking over to the shed. Emerald Sustrai, the last of the Latent 4. While she did not pose a physical threat to him as Nikos's polarity or Cinder's firepower did, even an A.I like him could fall victim to her illusionary Semblance if given the chance. Being kept out of reality for even a brief moment could spell doom to anyone. Just like Ruby Rose, they would have to be taken care of first.

And Virulet was going to savor every moment of it.

* * *

"One more time," Cinder breathed, taking a long drink of water. She had just finished practicing her song for what seemed like the 100th time; she had lost count hours ago. She was not going to stop until she felt she had it down perfectly. She opened her mouth to sing just as there was a knock on the shed door. There was only one person it could be.

"How's it going?" Emerald stepped inside, brushing a cobweb from her path. She cleared off an old stool and sat down, looking at Cinder intently.

"I think I have it down well," Cinder held up her lyric sheet between two fingers, "I don't even need the words anymore."

"What song is it, anyways?"

She handed over the paper to Emerald for her to read. _"Brother, My Brother._ It's an older one, from the _Chinpocketmon_ movie or something like that. Roman of all people suggested it to Weiss. Never expected him to have that kind of taste in music, let alone movies. The lyrics are quite cliche, but I feel they suit our situation quite well."

"You can say that again," Em smirked, fiddling with the sheet as she read it over, "Care to give me a preview?"

Cinder hesitated, shaking her head. "I think I will keep this one a surprise until tomorrow night. All I ask is that you be there with me before I go onstage."

"Still getting the butterflies?"

"You try standing in front of people that were your enemies a month ago and pour your soul out to them," Cinder smirked, walking to Emerald and putting her forehead on hers, "It's quite different than doing it alone in a shed or with just one other person."

"You'll do great, Cinder. I'll be right up front for it when you go up there and sing. I promise."

The two gave each other a quick peck on the lips to ensure that promise.

"So how are things going inside?"

"Finished wrapping the presents a while ago," Em replied, "We went down to the theater to help Yang take out the rest of the seats."

"…They took out the seats?"

"Yeah, I know it's extreme. Yang wanted a dance floor, so we just _had_ to make one."

"All just to make Ruby happy," Cinder sighed, rolling her eyes, "That girl deserves it, though. For all that she did for me, I wouldn't ask of anything less for her."

"I'm just as grateful as you are," Emerald slid off the stool, feeling her stomach rumbling, "But my stomach will be even more grateful once I fill it."

"I'll be in shortly. Just going to sing the song once more."

Cinder watched Em leave, then looked up to the ceiling. Of all the ways her life could have gone, it had steered itself in the right direction thanks to this house she once considered a literal Hell. That Ozpin was a mad genius; emphasis on mad. No matter how much resent she held towards the shady Headmaster, if not for him she wouldn't be as happy as she was now.

And then there was Ruby. That girl had literally pulled her from the pit of despair. Cinder owed her so much, and she was going to make sure her birthday gift would express that gratitude to its fullest.

* * *

Nora could hear Ruby's stomach growling from behind her locked door when she went upstairs to release her. The little rose had never ran so fast down a hallway just for a meal. Zwei, Mr. Tibbs and Weiss were in tow as well, the latter feeling just enough better to walk on her own to the dining room unassisted. The dinner table was full as always, everyone filling their plates with Ren's delicious cooking. The chef sat at the head of the table with Nora much closer than usual; when she blurted out the big news of their moment there was quite a bit of cheering from their closer friends, most notably Jaune and Pyrrha. As everyone ate, the conversations focused on those who were still single.

"How about a boyfriend for your birthday, Ruby?" Sun asked jokingly, "My boy Neptune is single!"

"I'll pass!" Ruby laughed nervously, declining the offer.

"He is most _– cough! –_ definitely _not_ Ruby's type!"

"Oh, is that jealousy I hear, Weiss?"

" _N-no it is not, Yang!"_

Roman laughed loudly, Neo smirking beside him. "Look who's talking! I don't see you with anyone at your side."

"If I wanted a partner, I could get one easily. I just don't need one right now."

"Starting to sound like the _5-Star Man_ over here," Blake smirked, pointing to Mercury, "Or, at least how he sounded when he didn't actually have a girl like him back."

"Watch it, Belladonna," Mercury cautioned.

"I think you and Velvet are cute together!" Pyrrha smiled cheerfully, making Scarlatina blush and Black feel strange inside.

"Oh, stop it!" Velvet giggled, waving her hand at her.

"Please spare me from this sickening happiness…" Virulet mumbled quietly, growing weary from the overwhelming joy around him.

"If I were you Velvet," the Lieutenant followed, 'I'd take him to a nice drapery store. Interior decorating shopping always gets the feels going. Isn't that right, boss?"

"Please stop being weird," Adam groaned, "Miltia will be struck by your odd obsession with curtains when she meets you."

"Miltia was the one in white, right?" Jaune looked to Ren for clarification.

"I'm not quite sure. I only waited on them for a total of one whole minute."

"Imagine if I had a sister Ren!" Nora said, imagination going wild, "Ooh! We'd be the _Thunder Gun Express!"_

"What does that name even mean?" Emerald asked Cinder.

"Beats me," she answered as Zwei hopped up onto her lap.

" _BARK!"_

" _PWHAANK!"_ Mr. Tibbs followed, adding his own interpretation to the phrase.

"What they said."

The table was filled with laughter from both sides, echoing in the large dining room. It lasted for quite a while, slowly dying out into a strange silence in which everyone just stared at their plates. The reality had just hit them:

This was their last big meal together.

It was hard for them to believe, but the goal Ozpin had set out for them to achieve had been fulfilled. Even after the many bumps in the road, through thick and thin, they had slowly become what one might call a very strange, but happy, family.

Everyone wanted to think of some way to break the sober mood, but none could think of anything eloquent or particularly wise to say.

So the one who spoke the least said it briefly.

"… _I'll miss you guys..."_

All but one of them had never heard Neo speak before, and those honest words coming from the mouth of a criminal struck a few like an emotional truck. The Lieutenant was trying his best not to burst into a dramatic crying session, and even Mercury had the smallest of smiles on his lips. Jaune and Pyrrha held each other's hands tightly, while Blake laid her head on Sun's shoulder. Yang was hit the hardest, bursting out of her seat and opened her arms wide.

" _Come here, you little ice cream cone!"_

The two rivals in video games embraced like old friends would after a decade year old reunion. Ruby ran over to join her sister and make it a group hug, Nora not wanting to be left out of the fun. Not even the Lieutenant barging in with the strongest hug of all could knock them over.

Roman tipped his hat over his eyes as he lit a cigar. "I'd say something witty and sarcastic right now if I could, but I'm gonna be honest: You people are some of the strangest, extreme, passionate, and most caring bunch I've ever met. And goddamn do I like being able to say that I consider you all my friends."

"I may not have been here as long as the rest of you," Velvet said, "But I'm not going to ever forget this experience." She looked over everyone, especially those who weren't from Beacon, and ended on Mercury. "And I won't forget _any_ of you."

A sly little rabbit, Merc thought. She just had to make things harder for him, didn't she? "…Yeah, sure. Ditto."

"So I guess this is what they call a fairy tale ending?" Cinder smiled, holding Emerald's hand under the table.

"Oh, not just yet," Virulet spoke up; he wasn't going to let this joy end on anything but an ominous metaphor, "We still have the _grand finale_ to go. The best part is yet to come."

* * *

"They're all asleep now," Qrow yawned, leaning back in his seat. He bent over to look at Glynda, who must have dozed off just recently. He was the only one awake now; Taiyang had been struggling all day to break free of his bindings, and gave up hours ago from exhaustion. Qrow was starting to think he may have hit Ozpin a bit too hard last night; the Headmaster had been fading in and out after the punishment he received for emptying the donation account.

Did Qrow feel bad for that? Yeah, just a little bit.

Ozpin was a dumbass, sure. He robbed stores, stole money from an elite asshole general, and was afraid of a wild squirrel for fuck's sake. Just by watching that camera of the dining room earlier, with all of the housemates together and joyous, Qrow could see the method behind Oz's madness.

Qrow tilted his head to look at the digital clock behind Glynda as 11:59 shifted over to 12:00. Finally… the end was in-

"Hello there."

Qrow's eyes widened as he looked up at the screen, coming face to face with the adversary Ozpin had been fighting with for so long.

"So… you're Salem, eh? Uglier than I imagined ya to be."

"Funny," the witch said, clearly not interested, "Where is Ozpin? I'd like to speak with him as the final day begins."

"Not available. I'm the best you'll get for now."

"…Very well," Salem sighed, settling with the drunk, "Then I want you to give him a message. I want you to ask him what victory tastes like when he wakes up. And then, while you're both breathing your last breaths, I want you to ask him what it feels like to have victory stolen from you at the last second." Salem could barely believe it when Qrow started snickering at her.

"Oh, yeah sure. Keep telling yourself that you won this. Because, even by the rules of the bet that you do, if I walk in that house and break that new restriction you tacked on, those people in that house will still be one big damn happy family. And last time I checked, that means Oz won."

"There is more than one kind of victory, human. I will show you that tomorrow."

"Then how about we have a bet of our own? If you prove me wrong, then I'll bend around and literally _kiss my own ass._ And if you fail… well then, that should just be enough embarrassment on its own, don't you think?"

"You truly are a despicable human…" Salem said, ending the transmission just as he got the last word in.

"No. I'm just _Qrow-fucking-Branwen,_ bitch."


	79. Happiest Day - Act 1

_**Well, everyone. Here we are.**_

 ** _As of today, I have this story completely written and the last chapters saved away on my laptop ready for upload._**

 ** _There are _ chapters left._**

 ** _I hope you will enjoy this most glorious end._**

* * *

 _ **Day 30/30**_

* * *

 _BEEP-BEEP-BEEP-!_

The alarm clock was an annoying as always, but for once Ruby didn't mind it waking her up so early. Opening her eyes, her room looked almost just as it had yesterday; the only difference was Weiss not sick in bed. Beaming, Ruby clumsily put on an over shirt as she stumbled out the door. There was no time to waste with picking an outfit right now: she had to get her 16th birthday bash started right away!

She bolted down the steps, skipping at most three at a time (and nearly tumbling down a few) in a rush to the lounge, where she heard voices talking back and forth. She could hear Yang and Weiss bickering over who got to stand in front and greet her once she entered the room, and couldn't help but smile. Sliding on the hardwood with her socks, Ruby grinned widely and waved jazz hands at everyone who all didn't seem to notice the birthday girl had finally arrive.

Way to ruin the super cool entrance guys, Ruby thought. She cleared her throat to catch their attention. "A-hem…!"

With a bark from Zwei and a trumpet from Mr. Tibbs, Yang and Weiss's spot for first greeting was snatched up like that. Regardless, the girls decided to just greet her at the same time, Blake sliding in between them to wish their team leader a big, old…

" _HAPPY BIRTHDAY!"_

" _Yaay!"_ Ruby squealed, hopping up and down before leaping into her team's arms. The girls celebrated with each other for a bit before the members of Team JNPR, Sun, and Velvet came over to add their wishes. The former enemies of the Beacon students stood back, letting the older friends have their moment as Ruby hugged a forcefully happy "Penny" next. Ruby noticed them holding off, and had to spread some good vibes towards them. "Don't worry! You guy's won't be left out!"

Ruby took Neo by the arm and pulled her into a hug, quickly leaving her and giving a stronger one to Torchwick beside her. The conman was taken aback by the sudden display of friendship, and laughed nervously as he patted the girl on the head. "Yes, yes this is a happy moment. Now hug someone else please. Neo might get jealous."

As Neo poked her partner between the ribs jokingly, Ruby went to Cinder next. Thankfully their embrace was much gentler than the one Roman had just gotten. "Happy birthday, Ruby."

"Thanks! I'd say the same to you, but I'm guessing it's not your birthday today. I can't think of much else to say, really."

"You don't need to. You've done so much already for _–AH!"_

The two girls were suddenly lifted off the ground from behind, the big man of the house letting the good feels take him over.

" _This is just super!"_ the Lieutenant said gleefully, "I just love this! We're one big, fabulous family! Come on, Adam! Let's make this a four-way!"

"I will pass," Adam declined, holding out an envelope to Ruby, "Please, take this Miss Rose. I wish for you to open my gift first."

"Ooh, a present!" Ruby squirmed out of the big guy's grasp, eager to get to her first gift of the day. She tore it open hastily, and her expression turned from excited to confused when she saw what it was. "Uh… Thanks Adam?"

"What is it?" Yang asked, looking over her sister. Her face looked like a mirror image of Ruby's upon laying eyes on it. "Please tell me there's such thing as a photograph receipt."

Adam held his gift, an 8x10 glossy portrait of himself, up proudly for all to see. "I would like you to remember my face for the rest of your life, Miss Rose. This is the face of a reformed man, a hero to all that wish to turn over a new leaf. I even made an attempt at 'smiling' for this."

"That face makes you look like you're taking a dump," Merc contributed, "Probably best that you don't smile anymore. Like, ever again."

"Don't listen to him, Adam! I think you looks very handsome!"

"Of course you do, big guy."

A small bark made Ruby look down at her feet, where Zwei dropped a bundle of sticks tied with a bow at her feet. The Corgi wiggled his butt, telling his master that these would be most excellent toys for them to enjoy. Ruby lifted her pup up, squishing his fluffy cheeks together and giving him all the kissies.

"Aw, thanks Zwei! Who's the cutest widdle puppy evah? _You are!_ Yes you are!"

The ringing of a phone across the room interrupted Ruby from spoiling her dog with love. Sun was the first to reach it, leaping over the couch and picking it up with his tail. "Yo! Wukong residence!"

"Ah, Mr. Wukong. How do you do?"

"Oh, hey Ozpin. What's up?"

"Could you please put the phone on speaker? I would wish to talk to everyone right now."

"Sure. Are… Are you okay? You sound kind of hurt."

"It's... nothing to worry about," Ozpin lied, an icepack covering his bruised forehead on the other end of the line. His assaulter Qrow, as well as Glynda and a fuming Taiyang, were behind him. "I just walked into a door. Now, if you would go on speaker, please."

"Sure thing," Sun turned to everyone after pressing speaker, "Listen up guys! Oz has some stuff to say."

"Hello, everyone," Ozpin began, "I would like to begin by wishing Ruby Rose a most joyous of birthdays. May it be as enjoyable as it should be."

"Same from me, kiddo," Qrow added, doing his best to hold Taiyang back from taking hold of the phone. His efforts didn't work too well, however.

" _Ruby! Yang! Your uncle is a jackass!"_

"…Dad?" Ruby and Yang said in unison, as Qrow brought the chloroform rag to Taiyang's mouth once more. After some muffled yelling, Qrow got back on the line.

"Sorry 'bout that. Yer pops must've cancelled out our call there for a sec. Don't worry, he still loves ya."

Glynda tried to give her own best wishes to Ruby, but Ozpin cut her off. Of course. "Now, with this being the final day of the competition, there is one bit of important information I should tell you. I am sure you are all aware of the Semblance restriction field surrounding the vicinity of the house. Well, you will not have to worry about that for much longer. At exactly 12:00 midnight, it will run out of power and deactivate, allowing you all to access your individual talents once again."

"It won't shock us or anything, will it?" Adam asked, "The shock collar General Ironwood placed on my neck ran out of energy quite some time ago, and I cannot say I missed being electrocuted."

"None of you will be harmed. However, it is once the barrier drops that we will see if this experience really has changed the relationship you all share. If I do not see any of you trying to harm one another with your full power, then we can call these thirty days an astounding success. So with that, I wish you all a best final twenty four hours."

"What about the reward?" Emerald asked, "When do we get that?"

"…"

 _BEEP!_

"He hung up," Velvet said, cocking her head, "That was odd."

"Wouldn't it be funny if there was no reward?" Jaune joked. Nobody laughed. "Wow. Crash and burn. Good one, Jaune. Good one..."

Pyrrha stepped in to pull her beau into good spirits. She took his hand, a thought in the back of her head telling her that might not be _all_ she took of his on this day. "Let us not worry about such things now. There are many more presents for Ruby to open!"

"Then what are we waiting for?!" Ruby exclaimed, hurrying to the pile of gifts in the corner. In all the moments of congratulations and peace, nobody had noticed that a certain someone had slipped out of the room, missing Ozpin's phone call.

* * *

"What do you want, you old cantankerous whore!" Virulet tapped on the wall impatiently, holding a scroll to his ear awaiting the reason why his creator had suddenly called him. She had contacted him just as Ruby Rose had released him from her disgusting embrace, and he had to quickly retreat into the bathroom upstairs where no camera could see him to answer the vibrating device. "You nearly blew my cover! Who was I going to say was calling me, a worthless street hobo? Because that is just as useful as you are to me right now!"

"Please shut up," Salem groaned, glad her time dealing with this hack of an A.I would soon be over, "Are you prepared for tonight?"

"Of course! I have been imagining this moment for days! My new body will be tested in the house of slaughter tonight! I shall paint the walls with their blood, and use their bones as support for my new throne! _It will be gloriously, violently divine! Mwah-ha-ha!"_

The ham of this guy, Salem thought. "Yes, you do that… But I have one request."

"Make it quick. My imagination beckons me."

"Do not kill Ruby Rose."

"…Come again?"

"Do not kill Ruby Rose. Bring her to me. Keep her alive at all costs."

Virulet was legitimately confused at her order. Ruby Rose was one of the Latent 4. Shouldn't she be killed immediately to avoid trouble? What would keeping her alive benefit the old hag? "Your orders were for me to kill everyone. Why should I spare the life of an insignificant girl like her? What makes _her_ so special?"

Salem grinned at the thought of the arrogant A.I being baffled by the unknown. She hadn't programmed _all_ her knowledge into him, especially that about the Silver Eyed Warriors. She still had to have some sort of advantage over him. "You will learn once you bring her to me. Just do as I say and I will gladly hand her back to you for execution. Understood?"

"…Understood."

"Good. I will see you soon."

The witch hung up, leaving Virulet to question her cryptic request. He would follow it, of course. But that wasn't going to stop his master plan. No, not at all.

Salem would never suspect him betraying her, stabbing her in the back, cutting her down as she stood atop her throne as ruler of the World of Remnant. If anyone was going to ravage the world and watch it suffer, it was going to be Lord Sir Virulet the 13th and him alone.


	80. Happiest Day - Act 2

If there was ever a competition for Sweetest Sixteenth Birthday of the Decade, then Ruby's would automatically be at the top of the voting list. The whole day was dedicated the little rose, and it was more than she could have ever asked for. After all of her presents were torn open (her favorite was the new white hood and cape from Yang, which looked just like her mother's), Velvet had connected her laptop to Coco's back at Beacon where the rest of her team and their other friends back at school crowded into the camera to wish her the best. Of course they had to throw another pool party, this time with less of Merc being perverted and Adam spitting toothpaste in the water, and they ended the fading day with an outdoor barbecue on the front lawn.

Things got turned up to eleven once they Yang introduced Ruby to the freshly renovated theater room. The crew who had worked on turning it into a dance floor really did their best to make it look like a club: flashing spotlights on the ceiling, a somewhat-professional DJ system (consisting of a computer and stacks of old records for that musical-aesthetic), and surround sound speakers blaring bass-filled tunes.

And when I say blaring, I mean _BLARING._

" _This is awesome!"_ Ruby shouted into her sister's ear, jumping up and down with her and Nora to the beat of the song.

" _I'm glad you like it!"_ Yang grinned. She spotted Blake and Sun dancing behind Ruby, the former acting surprisingly free-spirited with her moves. _"Yeah! Peel that banana Blake!"_

Blake rolled her eyes at the lewd joke, twirling around to meet Wukong face to face. _"This is much different than the dance at school!"_

" _WHAT?"_ Sun yelled; he could barely hear his own thoughts let alone her over the music.

" _I said-_

" _WHAT?"_

"… _Never mind!"_

Not everyone was into dancing, however. Whereas Weiss wasn't of health to bust a move, her fellow wallflowers Mercury and Emerald had no excuse. Even Adam was trying his best to get into the groove, even if it was the most awkward looking Macarena of all time. It honestly looked like he trying to do all the steps at once.

"I hope Miltia gives him dance lessons," Mercury commented to himself before leaning into Emerald's ear, "What's the deal with your girl? She's been acting weird for a while now."

He and Emerald looked across the room at Fall, who came into vision just as Roman and Neo danced out of the way. She was standing by the food table drinking her fifth-going on sixth- cup of punch, chatting with Ren (the acting DJ) about something. Emerald knew that Cinder's nerves were finally getting to her; she'd be doing her act in about ten minutes. Stage fright always kicked in around this time. "I'll be back," Emerald said, "But you better be off this wall by then."

"Huh? What do you mean?"

"That's what I mean," Sustrai pointed beside Mercury at Velvet, who had just twirled over to see him.

"Care for a dance? I think a slow song is coming up next!"

"…No thanks."

"But Mercury! You said-!"

"Velvet, I-

Those big, stupid, pretty doe eyes got to him again. She held her hands clasped at her chest, praying that he would take up her offer. If he said no, what kind of a man would he be?

Okay, he'd still be an asshole to an extent. But he had to try and be a kind asshole right now.

" _One song._ That's it.

" _Eee!"_ Velvet squeed, abruptly taking hold of his arm and pulling him to the dance floor, _"Come on! Let's make it a song and a half!"_

" _W-Wait! My arm doesn't bend that way!"_

Across the dance floor, Jaune and Pyrrha were making the best of things and trying their hand at a more sophisticated dance. Living with five sisters who loved to dance was really paying off for Jaune lately. First the dance at Beacon, and now here where he could try and teach Pyrrha some saucier moves that teachers couldn't condemn. He figured some salsa moves would light a fire in Pyrrha's heart.

" _Oh my!"_ Pyrrha blushed as Jaune leaned his face into hers, both of them matching their swaying hip movements with each other, _"I can't believe your sisters taught you something like this!"_

" _Not exactly! I watched them do this with their boyfriends! It'd be weird if they practiced it with their little bro!"_

The moment Pyrrha felt Arc's hands slide up her back and brush the underneath of her shoulders, she felt a hot shudder go through her veins. Jaune spinning her out and around back into his arms only made her feel much more excited. She could tell he was trying to impress her with his skill, so she figured she would have some fun with it too. Pyrrha hooked her ponytail with one finger and undid it with one quick swipe, running her hands through her lose hair as she attempted to hypnotize him with her hips. In any other circumstance, she wouldn't be acting so uninhibited and - dare she say it – lewd. But it was the combination of Jaune's own moves and the exotic beat of this song that was taking over her. Not that she minded it at all; it was only making it easier for her to ask Jaune _that_ question.

" _Oh sweet… Man. Uh…"_ Jaune's tongue could barely form words. His eyes were glued on Pyrrha, his body unable to dance and compete with her flow. She giggled at his gawking as she draped her arms around his neck, pecking him on the lips before moving to his neck. _"Uh, Pyrrha… Nora and Ruby are riiight over there!"_

Blushing intensely, Pyrrha went for it. She leaned into his ear and whispered, thinking of the best way to word it. _"Would you… like to take this elsewhere?"_

" _You mean on the other side of the dance floor?"_

Then she remembered this was Jaune Arc she was speaking with. Pyrrha had no choice but to be direct. Looking around very quickly, she leaned in even closer and whispered exactly what it was she had been implying to him.

To say Jaune's face turned as red as Pyrrha's hair was an understatement.

" _P-P-Pyrrha! W-what did you just say?!"_

" _I-I'm sorry! If you don't want to, then you can decline! I'd never force you!"_

He looked into her eyes, green as always and wanting him. She really had meant what she had said. But was he ready for this? Kissing and cuddling was one thing, but this was a whole other ball game! Which base was this again?! And why wouldn't his heart stop pounding like crazy?!

"Jaune…?"

He snapped out of his stupor and back to her. There was only one word in his head, and it surely wasn't any form of the word no.

"…Are you sure?"

Pyrrah nodded, fixated on him, her eyes begging him to say the one thing she wanted to hear.

When the song faded out, Jaune had made his choice. As the other dancers cheered and clapped, he gently took Pyrrha's hand in his. "Stay to the back wall. No one will see us go up the stairs that way."

When he smiled back at her, Pyrrha's heart stopped. That was a yes. _He said yes._

This was it. This was happening. _Right now._ _Tonight._

"…O-okay," Pyrrha breathed, her eyes locked on him as he led her the way. She shortened the distance between their grasp instantly, gripping his arm as they ascended the staircase. No one seemed to notice them, since someone was now standing by the karaoke machine garbed in a sequin tank top and tight white spandex. It was literally impossible to take your eyes away from the campiness of the man taking the role of Cinder's opening act.

"God, kill me now," Adam said as his stomach churned upon seeing his right-hand man take hold of the microphone. The Lieutenant pointed right at him, only making it worse.

"I'd like to dedicate this song to a very special someone here tonight," the big guy said, winking at Adam, "He knows who he is. Ren, hit my music!"

Full of regret for what he was about to bring upon his friends, Ren hesitated as he hit play on the requested track.

" _Now I've… Had… The time of my life… No I've never felt like this before~!"_

"I refuse to dace to this," Merc muttered to Velvet, who couldn't help but agree.'

"Weiss…" Ruby winced, "What is happening?"

"Nothing _– cough! –_ is happening right now, Ruby. Just let me repress this memory…"

* * *

Jaune and Pyrrha's lips met the moment they hit the second floor of the house. They couldn't contain their drive anymore as urges took utter control of their bodies. Pyrrha pinned Jaune to the door to their room, tugging at the buttons of his shirt as he clawed at her lower back. Oh, this was _too_ long in the making.

Pulling back to breathe, Pyrrha put her forehead on Jaune's and placed a finger on his lips. "You get ready in there. I'll be _right_ back."

"You're killing me, you know."

Kissing him once more, Pyrrha raced down the hall to the bathroom to freshen up. Upon entering she left the door open, in too much of a hurry to even consider shutting it. She looked at herself in the mirror, making sure her makeup and hair was alright (even though it was about to get messed up anyways). Noticing a tube of red lipstick on the sink, she decided to pretty herself up just a bit more.

"Oops!" she said, her shaky hand knocking it to the floor. Bending down to pick it up, she didn't notice that she wasn't alone until she saw their reflection in the mirror.

" _Oh, Penny!"_ Pyrrha blushed, "What are-

The mirror shattered the second Virulet slammed Pyrrha's head into it. It was quick, like a bullet in motion. He grasped her by her hair, casting a cold gaze over her quivering body. When she tried to push herself up with her arms, he yanked her back and shoved her head into the fractured mirror again with the same force as before. Once she ceased moving, he let her fall to the floor, her hair covering the red seeping from her head.

"Don't die yet, girl," Virulet grinned, stroking Nikos' hair, "I don't want you going out before you watch me eviscerate your lover." The A.I stood upright, looking at Penny Polendina's reflection in the mirror.

Such a useful host body but like all children it was time to set her free.

He had a _new_ body to make his own.

" _ **AH- AAAAAAGGHHH!"**_

The moment Penny's senses and drives came online, all she felt was pain. Something was crawling out of her, tendrils of wires and blades pouring out of her backpack, taking a spindly form with a strange purple pulse emanating from in between the sharp bits of metal holding it together. She tried to get a good look at the demented presence, but only caught sight of its hands - her blades its fingers - as she felt herself shut down into sleep mode. Only two words came from her lips, the only two she could muster the power to call out in useless desperation.

"Ru-Ruby… _Run."_

"You sit tight, my dear little Penny," Virulet soothed, stroking her hair before leaving, "I'll be back for you. And don't worry: they _will_ suffer. You can bet on that _."_


	81. Happiest Day - Act 3

"Look at the time, Ozpin," Glynda said, pointing to the numbers in the bottom corner of the camera monitor, "Do you know what that means?"

Changing the ice pack for his head, Ozpin gave her the most logical answer. "I believe that means it is only 30 minutes until midnight. Our contestants' time within that home is soon coming to an end."

"Oh no, Ozpin," Glynda gave him the most passive aggressive smile of all time, "It means that you can look forward to at least a year's worth of humiliation, pain, and punishment. Not just from me, but from James as well. I believe even Qrow would not mind having his own turn."

"Honestly, I just want some booze. I couldn't give less of a shit anymore."

"Of course that is all you worry about!" Taiyang snarled, "That's all you ever worry about! I work hard every day to take care of my girls and you just go out and fill your gut with that poison every night looking for tail!"

"Calm yer tits, Dad of the Year. Don't make me bring out the sleepy time rag again."

"Please, calm down everyone," Ozpin said, "Holding resentment towards one another is not what we want to demonstrate right now. If everyone in the penthouse could put aside their differences and be friends, why can't we do the same?"

The three others shared a look, then stared at Oz.

"Cuz none of 'em forced me to be an accomplice to grocery store robbery."

"Because my daughters would never send someone to mug me."

"And because none of them are as incredibly incompetent as you are," Glynda finished. The miniature roasting had made Ozpin at a loss for words.

But what could he say anyways? They weren't wrong.

Literally shrugging it off, he sat back in his chair and looked at the cameras. He had seen Pyrrha Nikos and Jaune Arc leave the basement a minute or so ago, perhaps leaving to do what the young folks called 'marijuana'. Or maybe it was called 'coitus'. He could never remember which was which.

Still, regardless of what pain was to be inflicted upon him in the upcoming days, he would know that he had won this bet with Salem. That, the happy faces of those involved, and a shiny new GameGirl Advance DS from the witch herself was all the reward he needed for this past month.

It would make up for him having to see the White Fang Lieutenant pelvic thrusting all over the karaoke stage right now. Oz wouldn't mind one bit if the cameras would crash right now so he could get that sight out of his eyes.

When the cameras actually did go out, Oz thought he may just have psychic powers. Perhaps Glynda activated her telekinetic powers to crash the system.

Then Oz realized that was impossible right now.

"Um, Oz…" Taiyang asked, with a hint of worry, "What happened to the cameras?"

"Perhaps they ran out of battery power?"

"All of them at once?" Glynda pointed out, just as the dozens of static camera feeds turned a deep shade of purple. A familiar insignia faded into them, one Ozpin recognized all too well.

" _That's Salem's emblem…!"_ Qrow was gritting his teeth, _"That bitch is gonna sabotage us!"_ Branwen grabbed his sword from underneath the table, kicking the door open as Ozpin reached out to stop him.

"Qrow! Wait! You two cannot enter that house!"

"Screw the rules! I ain't letting those kids get hurt!" Qrow looked to his brother in law, "Tai! We're going in!"

"You didn't even need to ask," Taiyang replied, cracking his knuckles, "I might not have a weapon on me, but my fists wouldn't mind punching that bitch's face in!"

"But Qrow! My GameGirl! Me winning it from her depends on the outcome of this bet!"

"… _ **YOU'R WHAT?!"**_

Before Qrow, Tai, and Glynda could rip Ozpin apart for risking the lives of children for a video game system, they were interrupted by an inhuman shriek. Just as suddenly, the van was struck by a force equivalent to that of a semi-truck, rolling over and throwing the four adults and all their belongings against the walls of the tiny interior. Once it stopped and settled on its roof, a bright yellow stinger pierced through the canopy above them, ripping it off and exposing Ozpin and co. to the night sky.

"Is everyone alright?!" Qrow yelled out, pushing a chair off from on top of him. He glanced from right to left, spying Glynda prone underneath the large camera monitor screen. He tried to run over and lift the heavy object from off her legs, but the strike of a huge scorpion tail into the capsized van halted him in his tracks.

" _A Deathstalker!"_ Taiyang shouted, "And it's huge! Where did this thing come from?!"

Oz knew the answer, but figured it was best to not let Taiyang know about his first sighting of the beast when it slew the van's previous owner. Right now, they needed to take care of this beast. It had grown much larger than the last time he had seen it; its tail was at least as tall as the penthouse when raised up in an arched position. "Qrow! Taiyang! I will help Glynda! You two eliminate this threat!"

The two former members of Team STRQ burst out of the van, Tai blitzing the Grimm in its multi-eyed face while Qrow attempted to hack through the tough hide of its tail. Even after a spinning flurry of slashes, his scythe barely left a scratch on it.

" _Damn!"_ Qrow cursed, narrowly dodging the Deathstalker's stinger as it whooshed past him and punctured a clean hole through his cape. Descending down, he looked into the van as Ozpin pulled Glynda from the wreckage, and spotted another black shape creeping into the van. _"Oz! Behind you!"_

Without looking back, Ozpin dodged the lunging beast, Glynda in his arms. He laid the Goodwitch down gently, whipping his signature cane out from inside his sleeve. It was a good thing he had kept his weapon hidden in secret after all; it was the same reason he had knowingly let Roman Torchwick keep his Melodic Cudgel on him while in the house. Even when all might seem at peace, Ozpin knew something like this could very well happen.

"All right, foul beast," Oz pointed his cane at the strange Grimm turning back to attack, "I must put you out of- _NO."_

His cane dropped to the floor, right at his shaking feet. Oz froze as the beast's fluffy tail straightened out like an arrow, and the giant buck toothed rodent let out a sharp screech.

Ozpin knew that black squirrel lurking outside the van all these weeks was meant to be feared.

* * *

"What's going on out there?"

Half-dressed, Jaune peered out the door of his room to gaze out the window. There was some kind of commotion going on in the woods out there. Two Grimm must have been clashing over territory of something. What else could it possibly be?

"Come on, Pyrrha…" Jaune turned his attention back to what he had been waiting for what felt like eternity on. She must really be getting herself ready for him; it had been at least five minutes now, and his loins couldn't take it anymore. "Let's go surprise her… Yeah, she'll love that!"

Sneaking down the hall to the bathroom on his tip toes, Jaune grinned when he saw Pyrrha had left the bathroom door wide open. Slicking his hair back and clearing his throat, Jaune burst in through the opening with arms ready to pull her into him.

"C'mre, Pyr- _PYRRHA!"_

Jaune tripped over himself as he frantically dropped down to Nikos' prone, bleeding form, cradling her close. He brushed her hair from off her face, quickly grabbing a cloth to place over her cut forehead. As he reached over for the rag, he was just as shocked to see Penny on the floor beside her, hurt but nowhere near as badly as Pyrrha. "Pyrrha! Wake up! _Pyrrha!"_

Pyrrha's eyelids opened very slowly, fluttering weakly as she reached up to grasp Jaune's hand. "J-Jaune… Puh… Penny…"

"She looks okay. What happened to you?!"

"It… ngh…"

"Pyrrha!" Jaune held her closer as she passed out again. He felt a small tug on his shorts, and saw Penny pushing herself up. _"Penny! What is going on?!"_

"It is Virulet..." Penny said quietly, her eyes shooting wide open, _"Virulet!_ He is going to kill our friends!"

"What are you talking about?! Who's Virulet?!"

Penny put her hands on Jaune's shoulders. "You must go. Take Pyrrha Nikos away from here to safety! I will help…

"Whoa!" Jaune barely caught Penny with his free arm as she nearly fell on her face from being on such low energy. She was surprisingly heavy, for someone of her build. "Sorry, but I gotta get you both _outta_ here! You can explain it to me on the way!"

"Not... enough time…"

"They'll be okay. Trust me."

Whatever was going on right now really made it hard for Jaune to believe his own words. Something in this house was definitely not here to wish Ruby a happy birthday.

* * *

"Anybody up for an encore?" the Lieutenant happily asked his audience, who made not a single peep. He looked at Ren, who looked immediately turned his face from him. "Well… I thought it was pretty good."

As the big guy awkwardly made his way off stage, the main act was doing her best to hold herself together. Cinder peeked out from the movie curtain, having snuck back there to change into the dress she had sewn for this occasion. The fifteen or so people out there were started to multiply into one hundred in her nervously exaggerated vision.

One person stood out from the rest. Emerald was staring right at her, seeing her amber eyes through that tiny sliver of curtain. She mouthed something to Cinder, brushing her hair back and smiling.

That was just enough for Cinder.

She took a deep breath as two bright lights pointed onto her spot on stage, everyone gathering in front of it. She strode out slowly, basked in the slight heat of the blue lights above that sparkled off her flowing black dress. This was her moment to shine. This was putting the past behind her once and for all, a new life with Emerald and her friends.

Cinder was ready for every minute of it.

"She's so pretty…" Ruby gasped, "Is she really going to sing?"

"You'll see," Weiss smiled, putting a hand on her best friend's shoulder.

Cinder looked at her teacher and the birthday girl, nodding slightly at them. She took in air through her nose, feeling her lungs fill, and opened her mouth to begin the first verse…

She heard it before anyone else.

It sounded like paper brushing against paper, the sharp whistle one of her own arrows might make as it shot through the air at its target.

And when she felt the blade pierce through her throat, all the air and energy she had brought into herself for this song vanished.

Nobody had a chance to cry out as they saw Cinder grasp her neck the moment the narrow blade exited from it. As the half-Maiden buckled to her knees, her mouth gasping for even the slightest bit of air, her attacker revealed himself from behind the curtain.

A variety of metal blades and pipes arranged in a humanoid shape, he was held together by purple energy pulsating and sparking between his silver components. What one might call a tail writhed and curled behind him, spiked at the end akin to a certain dinosaur. His fingers were made out of the familiar blades of Penny Polendina's weapons, one of them retracting into place through use of her steel strings. His 'head' was a fusion of human and insectoid features, kitchen knives and forks rattling and grating on each other like the mandibles of a leaf-cutter ant in place of a mouth. Burnt-out fuses and wires hung over his face loosely like long, greasy hair; his beady purple eyes were fixated on the housemates with intent to kill.

" _Mwah-ha-ha!_ Sorry, fleshbags!" Virulet cackled, flicking Cinder's blood from his finger, "But I just _hate_ happy endings!"


	82. Happiest Day - Act 4

" _CINDER!"_

Emerald pushed her way to the front of the group, reaching out at the stage where her partner was turning a sickening shade of white. She didn't care about the metal monster above her, or those pulling her back to try and keep her safe.

The last thing she wanted to lose was her Cinder.

Of course, Virulet didn't mind her coming closer. Laughing, he raised his hand to stab at her, but was not expecting to taste a mouthful of gunpowder. He stumbled back just as Sustrai took hold of Cinder, doing her best to stop the bleeding at the base of the stage. _"No-no-no… Stay with me…!"_

Shaking off the shot, Virulet spun around in search of his attacker, seeing his targets begin to disperse. It was none of them, though; he knew exactly who had shot him. The criminal mastermind stood dead and center, ready to defend his friends.

"Bad move, buddy," Roman Torchwick shook his head, twirling Melodic Cudgel in his hand, _"You'll regret that."_

" _Yes, yes!"_ Virulet cackled, extending his blades, "This is perfect! Show me all you've got, so that I may take it all from you!"

" _Everyone move!"_ Roman ordered his comrades as the metallic A.I lunged off the stage at him. He held his weapon from both ends to block Virulet's falling slash, barely having the time to swerve away from his spiked tail. The two began exchanging a flurry of blows, Roman quickly forced onto the defensive against Virulet's assault. It was time for some backup. "Buttercup! Some help, please!"

Neo heard his call to arms, grinning as she took hold of a metal folding chair. Virulet swung at her with his tail, but he played right into her trap. His blades sliced through the chair like butter, but it gave Neo a dagger-like piece of shrapnel to use against him. Virulet turned his attention from Roman to her with a backhand slash. Neo leapt over his hand and onto his side, crawling onto his back. Using his wired 'hair' to stay in place, she drove the piece of chair into one of his optics.

" _Gragh!"_

Neo smiled at his reaction from the blow, but her expression changed instantly when she heard him start to laugh. She felt something curl tightly around her hand, and gasped as his pulsating wires started wrapping around her like snakes. There was a bright flash, before he let out a burst of energy from his head, zapping Neo with nearly 50 volts of electricity.

" _Neo!"_ Roman cried out as Virulet grabbed her by the leg and flung her into the wall across the room. Rage boiling, Roman let loose a firestorm of shots from Melodic Cudgel, all of them striking Virulet in the chest. It was nowhere near enough to injure the A.I, however. His tail lashed out from the smoke, slamming Roman in the ribs with its broad side and knocking him over near Neo.

" _We need to help them!"_ Ruby cried out from on the steps. It took all of her teammates to hold her back. _"Let me go!"_

"Ruby, we have to go!" Yang yelled, grasping her sister around her waist, "Without our Semblances or weapons we don't stand a chance!"

Virulet heard Ruby's voice loud and clear. The last thing he wanted to do was let his most important target escape, but there were two important targets left to deal with. He hovered over Emerald and a dying Cinder, chuckling as he sharpened his claws on one another. "I guess I can let you two die together. _It is the least I can do for-"_

" _Hey! Over here!"_

"Let me give my evil monologue you flesh-

 _*SPLAT!*_

Ruby's birthday cake dripped from Virulet's face, his eyes burning a hole through Sun Wukong. The monkey realized his mistake of throwing the baked good at him, but then noticed the metal monster start to tweak out and panic upon seeing a burning candle stuck in his mandibles. In his frightened state, Emerald managed to slip away with Cinder out of harm's way. "What the heck is up with him?!"

"He is afraid of fire…" Ren murmured to himself. That little tidbit was just enough for him to deduce a plan. It was a risky one, but they had no time to waste. _"Everyone, upstairs! Go!"_

With everyone swarming out of the basement, Virulet finally managed to put out the miniscule flame. Upon seeing Ruby go out of sight, his anger level flew sky high. _"GET BACK HERE, RUBY ROSE!"_

He unfastened one of his claws and took it by its base wire, spinning it like a lasso to try and skewer one of them from a distance. Out of the corner of his optic, he saw Velvet lagging behind, trying to carry both Neo and Roman on her shoulders. _"Heh-heh-heh…_ Time to skin me a rabbit!"

" _NO!"_ Velvet cried upon seeing the blade flying right towards her face. She closed her eyes, expecting not to open them ever again.

When she did, she saw her night in grey armor standing in her defense.

" _Mercury…!"_

"Get 'em outta here," Mercury said, not turning back to look at her. There was a large cut in his right thigh, having slightly missed his mark when kicking away Virulet's sword. "Don't wait for me."

"…Be safe."

"You don't need to tell that to a Golden God, Velvet. Now go."

"How admirable of you," Virulet chortled, alone in the basement with the assassin, "I never took you for one to put their own life on the line for another's."

"I'm not," Mercury snorted, cracking his knuckles as the A.I. charged at him, "It's just that I promised that girl a dance. _And I'm sure as hell gonna give her one!"_

* * *

Hearing the sound of metal on metal beneath them, the rest of the housemates were funneling out the front door. Those who were wounded were being carried out by Emerald, Velvet and Sun to the highway, where they believed was out of range from the Semblance barrier. Blake had opted to go along with Weiss, since the heiress was still not at her healthiest.

"Call for help!" Yang yelled to Blake outside, still holding her sister close, "Come on, Ruby. Mercury will do what he can to buy us time."

"But where's Jaune and Pyrrha? _Where's Penny?!"_

"We'll find them, don't worry! They're okay! _Just follow me!"_

"You two can't leave," Ren stopped the two sisters from leaving, putting his arm in the doorway. Those still inside, being Yang, Ruby, Nora, Adam, and the Lieutenant, were shocked by his words.

"What're you talking about Ren?" Nora asked, walking up to him and grabbing his shirt, _"We have to run for it! Skedaddle! Go poof and vanish!"_

"Not as long as Ruby is with us."

"What do you mean?" the girl in question asked, "Is he after me?"

"I believe so. He was shrieking your name as we went up the steps. As long as you are around everyone, he will most likely go after them."

"So the plan is to split up?" the Lieutenant scratched his head, "It makes sense, but one group will be in deep trouble with Ruby around. No offense, Rubes."

"All good, buddy."

Ren nodded in confirmation. "That is why our group is going to take him out."

"And how exactly shall that be done?" Adam asked, "We are weaponless, defenseless."

"I have a plan so please listen. And we don't have a second to spare."

* * *

Outside, the rest of the housemates were already halfway up the driveway. Blake had hoisted both Zwei and Mr. Tibbs under her arms, her fear of the little Corgi outweighed by the desire to protect the animal from harm. "Keep going, everyone! Up to the end of the driveway!"

"Does _– cough! -_ Mr. Tibbs look bigger than before?" Weiss asked, noticing the Goliath seemed about double the size he was earlier.

"He feels much heavier," Blake grunted, trying her best to hold onto the trumpeting elephant. It was to no avail, as she lost grip of it just moments after Weiss had said that. Mr. Tibbs rolled back down the driveway like a ball, Zwei barking for his friend. "I'm sorry, Zwei! We don't have time to go back!"

Unbeknownst to Blake, Mr. Tibbs had wriggled from her grasp on purpose. The tiny Grimm knew where his source of energy came from, and he was going to do whatever it took to get bigger and make a difference in this fight.

"Look!" Sun yelled out, pointing ahead to a figure, "Its Jaune! He's got Pyrrha and Penny!"

"Guys!" Arc waved frantically at them, "Guys, come on! I called Oobleck! He should be here soon!"

The groups finally reached one another, organizing the injured into a small circle. Roman and Penny were the healthiest, but Cinder's condition was getting even worse as seconds went by. Still holding Pyrrha's hand, Jaune's eyes widened upon looking at Fall. "This can't be happening… _Wait!_ Where's Nora and Ren?! Are they okay?!"

"I don't know," Velvet said, worry on her face, "They stayed behind with Ruby, Yang, Adam and the Lieutenant. Mercury was fighting that monster off down in the basement, but I don't know exactly what they are doing still inside."

"How could this happen?" Emerald's voice cracked, bringing Cinder's shaking hands to her lips and kissing them. Suddenly a finger pressed against them, and Sustrai beamed when she saw Cinder's eyes open. She immediately took hold of her, trying her best not to hug her too tightly. "Thank God you're okay!"

"Not… yet," Cinder rasped, mustering every ounce of her strength to mutter each word, "I… I saw… It was afraid of…"

"The monster?" Sun clarified, "Afraid of what?"

"Come here," Cinder leaned into Emerald ear, her lips cold and dry from loss of blood. If those in the house couldn't defeat that metal beast, then Cinder knew of only one way they could bring it down. "You… won't like this."'

She whispered some words into Sustrai's ear. Only Emerald could hear what she had said, and there was no way she was going to accept it.

"…Don't talk like that. _Don't._ I won't let you."

" _Emerald._ Look at me… We have no other choice."

Emerald could barely bring herself to gaze at her partner's potentially fatal wound, the deathly white tone to her skin. Cinder looked like the walking dead, and the rate of someone surviving an injury like this… The intent in her eyes went against all of her pain. Cinder was determined to see such a plan out, even if it would be the end of her.

"There has to be another way! I _know_ there has to be!"

"Emmy… _please."_

" _Cinder…"_ She felt her eyes burning up, tears seeping through her tightly shut lids as she kissed Cinder for what she felt might be the last time. Cinder caressed her face, wiping away a tear with her thumb as she felt water trickle down her own face.

"Don't cry… No time for that. We may have one last mission to complete."


	83. Happiest Day - Act 5

"I expected more out of you, boy."

Trudging up the steps, Virulet flung the battered body of his opponent in front of him. The crumpled form of Mercury Black hit the wall like a wet rag, both of his prosthetic legs severed from the knee and a scar over his right eye. The assassin had put up a decent fight; perhaps if he had been able to make use of his Semblance Virulet may have had a bit more difficulty defeating him. Still, the human body was no match for his perfection. This boy called himself a Golden God, but Virulet knew exactly what a false prophet looked like.

"Where _are_ you Ruby Rose?" Virulet called out as he stomped into the lounge, cutting the T.V in two with his tail. He could detect five lifeforms in the house; their exact identities he could not decipher from just their heat signatures. However, he wouldn't need to wonder much longer about one of them. "Why hello there, _Yang Xiao Long!"_

The blonde stood on the staircase above him, holding a hunk of brick in her hand. "Man, you are one ugly hunk of tin."

"Insult accepted. Now, kindly tell me where your sibling is so that I may rip both of you limb from limb!"

" _Like I'd ever let you near Ruby!"_ Yang shouted at the top of her lungs. She could feel her rage building up within her, a hot burning sensation within her being held back by the stupid barrier. If only she could just…!

"Then I will go right through you, blondie!" Virulet laughed, charging up the steps as Yang's irises began to change from their usual purple color.

In the beginning, Ozpin knew that science could only work so hard to restrain something like a Semblance that was not always governed by the laws of nature. There was a few individuals he believed may be able to surpass the barrier under certain conditions. There was Ruby, whose full potential he could not determine. Cinder was another, being Salem's (now former) top pawn; he knew not her entire arsenal of power, but she wasn't the witch's favorite for no reason.

The last one… was Yang Xiao Long and her temper.

" _JUST YOU TRY IT!"_ Letting out a yell of pure rage, Yang's hair burst into golden flames, breaking her limits and chucking the brick at the incoming monster. Virulet was taken aback for a moment upon seeing a Semblance in person, but didn't have much time to think about it as the piece of stone smashed right through his mandibles. Flying shreds of shrapnel pierced the walls as he stumbled backward, clutching his face.

" _Grahgh!"_ the A.I snarled, looking up just as Yang's foot collided with his cranium. The blonde drove him into the floor, stomping down on his face before ripping at his face with her bare hands.

" _I'LL END YOU!"_ Yang didn't care about how she had been able to break through the barrier, nor did she care about how much her hands were bleeding from tearing into his metal form. The only thing on her mind was protecting her baby sister at all costs!

Even with half of his face gone, Virulet's remaining eye still glowed a deep purple; the last thing he was worried about was physical injuries. There was only one thing that could keep him down. He grabbed hold of Yang's waist, digging his talons into her back and belly as a surge of violet electricity rushed to his hands.

" _No, you won't."_

There was a bright light, before the purple energy now enveloping Yang turned a bright white and exploded in a thunderous burst. As the smoke cleared, the golden fire of Xiao Long faded out and the blonde slumped the ground. Virulet kicked her down the steps once he was back on his feet. Hearing a gasp at the top of the steps, he caught the faintest glimpse of a red cape rush behind a corner.

"There you are…" Virulet chortled, rushing up the steps. He saw his target running down the hall and raised his hand. Extending his pointer finger, he fired a bolt of energy straight at the girl, who barely managed to duck out if the way. It passed through the far window, glass shattering as the energy continued far outside into the woods. _"Damn you, Ruby Rose! I will massacre you so viciously, your remains shall be microscopic!"_

He pursued her, retracting the spikes in his tail so he could better maneuver through the narrow halls. Virulet continued to blast energy at the girl, doing much more damage to the house's interior than to her. The pipsqueak was much more nimble than he wished she was!

For some reason, just as he turned the corner leading into the dining room, Virulet saw her standing still in front of the door to the kitchen. If he was able to grin right now, he would. "Good girl… Now stay still so I can eviscerate you!"

Virulet sprinted forward, charging right through the dinner table as he flung one of his bladed fingers at the girl. She grinned underneath her hood as she ducked out of the way, sidestepping as the metal monstrosity barged into the kitchen. He skidded to a halt in front of the stove, which was glowing a bright orange inside.

" _Oh, bloody hell!"_ Virulet spat in fear at the heat, before feeling a large body tackled him from behind.

"I got him!" the Lieutenant yelled out as another person pinned Virulet's neck down with a huge pan.

"As do I!" Adam followed, digging the cooking tray into Virulet in an attempt to decapitate him. The A.I tried to gore them with his tail, but it too was now being restrained by Lie Ren.

"You stupid idiots!" Virulet thrashed on the floor, his captors struggling to hold him down, "This will only prolong your suffering!"

" _If you say so~!"_

The A.I saw Ruby Rose walk into the kitchen, a big cheery grin on her face as she brandished two sledgehammers at her side. But upon seeing her remove her hood and her bright orange hair, he discovered that these flesh bags were much smarter than he had thought. _"You're not Ruby Rose!"_

"Bingo, buddy!" Nora Valkyrie smiled, twirling her hammers as she approached the stove, "Ruby's long gone by now!" She swung the tools at Virulet's head, knocking off even more chunks out of him, and then drove both heads through his shoulders.

" _AGH!"_ Though this kind of damage wouldn't kill him, Virulet was not appreciating the damage to the body he had spent so much time working on. The heat from the stove wasn't doing much good for him either, only making him more anxious of what they were planning to do to him. When he saw Adam pull a lighter from his pant pocket, Virulet began to struggle even harder to escape what was about to occur. _"No, NO!"_

"Are you two sure about this?" Ren asked Adam and the Lieutenant, who nodded solemnly.

"Sometime, an individual must risk everything to protect the things they care for," Taurus replied, "Isn't that right, my Lieutenant?"

"You said it, boss."

"Thank you," Ren closed his eyes before rolling off Virulet's tail, dashing out the door with Nora at his side. Valkyrie gave one last look back at them, saluting the two members of the White Fang who were about to put their lives on the line for everybody.

" _Fools! You are killing yourselves!"_ Virulet snarled, trying to lash at them with his tail until the Lieutenant pinned it down with his boot. Adam gave his Lieutenant the best parting gift he could think of: a genuine smile and a hand on the shoulder as he flicked the lighter on to spark the gas emitting from the stove's burners.

"It has been an honor, my Lieutenant… _my friend."_

"Thank you, Adam. And… it's Gray. _Gray J. Sawyer."_

* * *

Parrying a strike from the Deathstalker's stinger, Qrow tried to catch his breath for a moment. He had fought many Grimm before, and this one was easily in the top 5 hardest he'd ever squared off against. Even with Taiyang's help, they could barely put a dent in the monster's hide!

"Fall back!" Qrow called to Tai. The men rolled out of the way of its pinchers, splitting up into the woods so they could buy some time. Running past the van, Qrow caught a glimpse of Ozpin and his opponent. "Huh. Guess that squirrel was evil after all."

"Help me, Qrow!" Oz shouted, holding the squirrel's jaws back by lodging it in between its buck teeth. Rolling his eyes, Qrow put his scythe at the ready for a clean decapitation, but tripped over a small black shape.

" _What the hell?!"_ Branwen looked back at what he had stumbled over, and the little Goliath trumpeted happily at him. "Don't tell me your cute little ass is here to kill us too!"

Mr. Tibbs cocked his head, not really sure what Qrow meant. Before Qrow could decide whether or not to put the tiny Grimm down, an enormous sound broke out in the distance. Recognizing it as an explosion, he, Taiyang, and Ozpin looked through the trees to the penthouse, where a bright orange inferno was billowing from where the dining room was located.

"Oh, no…" Taiyang breathed, fearing the worst for his girls. He made a break to the house, but was too slow to dodge the Deathstalker's pincher flying towards him. The blunt end struck him in the ribs, knocking him through several trees.

"Tai!" Qrow shouted, "I'm… _coming…?"_

Hearing a strange gurgling at his feet, Qrow looked down at Mr. Tibbs, the pachyderm shaking and emitting a shadowy mist from his body. The elephant had just made contact with a catastrophically high amount of fear aura coming all the way from the burning penthouse, and was about to go through the quickest stage of puberty the world had ever witnessed.

" _Shit!"_ Qrow took cover behind some bushes as Mr. Tibbs began to rapidly grow in size, the top of his head reaching the forest canopy after only five whole seconds. The Deathstalker and the Grimm Squirrel paused to gaze up at their gigantic fellow beast, who had just absorbed every ounce of fear and leaving none for them to grow off of. None too happy about him refusing to share with them, the two smaller monsters abandoned their human targets to exact their vengeance on him.

It was the last mistake they would ever make.

Mr. Tibbs felt two minor irritations at his feet, poking at his giant toes in an attempt to 'hurt' him. Not really in the mood for their bothering, he lifted both his front feet slowly and gently pressed down on the nuisances. After a few seconds of shrieking and hissing, Mr. Tibbs' feet felt just fine and dandy.

"Brutal…" Qrow said, staring at the half of the Deathstalker not trapped under the Goliath's body, its tail falling limp to the ground. With no trace of the Grimm squirrel remaining, Ozpin cautiously exited the van with Glynda hoisted over his shoulder. "She okay, Oz?"

"Just fine, Mr. Branwen," the Headmaster nodded as a bruised Taiyang limped over to them. The worried father didn't stop to check on them as he continued towards the penthouse. "Mr. Xiao Long, please wait. You are quite hurt."

"My girls… I gotta help them!"

"He's right, Oz," Qrow agreed, resting his scythe on his shoulder, "We aren't done yet. Just keep Glynda safe while we deal with this."

"Very well then," Ozpin laid Glynda on the ground as his former students rushed towards the fire. Sensing distress in the old man, Mr. Tibbs brought his trunk down and touched Ozpin on the head to comfort him. "Thank you, strange beast. You are the best rodent repellent I could have ever asked for."

" _PHWAAAAANNKKKK!"_

"Indeed."

* * *

It burns.

 _It burns._

 _IT BURNS._

But death would not take him. Not yet. He couldn't die yet.

The mission.

 _That girl._

 _That damned girl!_

Pushing himself off the kitchen floor, Virulet didn't care that many parts of his body had been melted and scorched by the explosion that engulfed him and the two Faunus that had been holding him down. He didn't care whether their bodies in the far corner were still breathing or not; they weren't his mission anymore. These flesh bags had fooled him, and he had let Ruby Rose escape. Such incompetency was intolerable! He was Lord Sir Virulent the 13th! _A perfect being!_ And he was going to show all of them his power!

Sending all of his energy into his legs, he burst up through the ceiling into the night sky, spying the group of idiots gathered at the top of the driveway. _Ha!_ They thought they could escape him! _NEVER!_ He would never allow it! He would rip away _all_ hope from them now!

After a brief jolt in his systems (finally, that system repair was kicking in!), he descended down to the earth, ready to slice them all to pieces.

Victory would be _his._

* * *

The first thing Ren and Nora did upon reaching their friends on the hill was run to Pyrrha and Jaune, hugging them tightly and checking the girl's injuries. Arc had brought Pyrrha and Penny to the edge of the highway, where they would be able to board their escape vehicle fastest. Ruby, Blake, and Velvet ran to them, begging for answers to the fates of those still inside the burning house.

" _Ren!"_ Ruby looked at Ren as she hugged Penny, _"Where is Yang?! Where's my sister?!"_

"What about Mercury?" Velvet followed, "Is he okay?!"

"Weren't Adam and the Lieutenant with you two?" Blake questioned, not even bothered that she was worried about the fate of her ex-stalker, "Did they make it out?"

"I… I don't know," Ren's voice cracked, looking down at his feet, "Nora and I had to get out before-

" _Guys…!"_ Weiss interrupted from afar with fear in her voice, pointing up at the metal monster falling down like a meteor towards them all, _"He's not dead!"_

" _Mwah-ha-ha!"_ Virulet cackled, watching his victims scatter. He landed with a crater impact, the force of it shaking the ground and knocking Weiss and Emerald off their feet. "There's no escape! Accept your fate!"

Shakily wielding Melodic Cudgel, Roman tried to fire a blast in the A.I's face, but was backhanded into a tree before he had a chance. Virulet swung his tail at a sneaking Neo, battering her legs and sending her flying into Roman.

" _Bastard!"_ Sun roared, jumping on Virulet's back and yanking his tendril hair out. He gave the monkey a strong jolt, and let him slide to the ground as he stomped up the hill towards Ruby Rose.

"I've waited so long…" Virulet hissed, violently extending his talons and running them through the dirt, "I have put up with all of you day after day, after day, _after every fucking day_ just for this moment! Every second I lied in wait inside of Penny Polendina, I dreamed of killing you and ripping the skin from your bones!"

Blake and Velvet charged at the A.I, but were shocked by his energy before they could even get close to try and hurt him. _"You people sicken me! You disgust me!_ No one should be as loving, as caring, and as overwhelmingly happy as all of you turned out to be! _Fairy tale endings do not exist!_ _ **There are no happy endings!"**_

Suddenly, Virulet felt a body leap on him once again. He reached back and flung them in front of him, laughing as Emerald began to crawl backwards away from him.

"I spared you earlier, girl," Virulet glared, raising his talons for the killing blow, _"I will not grant you that mercy again!"_

" _Emerald!"_ Ruby screamed, dashing down the hill in desperation, _"NOOO!"_

It happened so fast.

The first thing Emerald felt was the splatter of blood on her face, even before she saw Virulet's blade protruding from Ruby's upper back. There was a whimper from the impaled girl, her hand reaching up to grasp the A.I's metallic limb.

Nobody cried out. Nobody screamed. Nobody could.

Only the dripping of tears on the barren earth could show their heartbreak.

" _Mwah-ha-ha!"_ Virulet cackled with dark satisfaction, watching Ruby grip his thin wrist in death, "Salem wanted you alive! But frankly… I just don't _give a flying fuck_ anymore about what _she_ wants!"

"So… Is _that_ what Salem wanted all along?"

 _Wait._

That… That wasn't right.

Virulet was looking at Ruby Rose right now, hanging from his blade, bleeding from the mouth and dying. There was no other person it could be! Then why...

 _Why was her voice that of Cinder Fall's?!_

He felt that pain again, the one he had assumed was his repair system at work. But now… Now it was much more intense, like the source of it was _right in front of him._

Virulet looked down at Emerald Sustrai, her tearful eyes glowing just slightly as her illusion she had projected on him began to fade out. The A.I soon realized what had happened the moment he gazed up at the hill, where Ruby Rose was still standing unharmed.

This was wrong! _All wrong!_ When had he exited the perimeter of the barrier? Just how long had Emerald had him under her hypnosis?! And who the hell had he just-

Virulet gazed with fear upon the individual holding his wrist, Cinder's eyes glowing with amber flame as her true form emerged from the fading static of Sustrai's illusion. Virulet felt a tiny heat emerge from where Fall had taken hold of him, which then shot through his body in one painful, excruciating motion.

"… _Oh, fuck me."_

"You made my Emerald cry," Cinder hissed weakly, transmitting every ounce of her fire into Virulet's form, _"So I'll going to burn you alive."_

" _ **NO! NO-**_

A flash of orange, then… warmth.

It was fading away. His energy, his body, his mind; all of it vanishing by the second as the fire of Cinder Fall scorched him to the very molecule. He made not a sound, not even a wince of agony, as the heat reached his central database and burned it to nothing.

The last thing Lord Sir Virulet the 13th saw as his artificial life faded from this world, his metal body now ashes blowing away in the wind, was the cold, emotionless face of the woman whom had killed him with fear.

Feeling the blade evaporate from within her chest, Cinder felt her feet touch the ground. She stood wavering back and forth, turning her head to smile at Emerald and Ruby up on the hill. Her friends, _her family,_ saved because of her selflessness.

This felt right.

Oh, what a way to go.

" _Thank… you…"_ Cinder mustered out, feeling herself start to fall. She heard Emerald shriek her name, catching her before everything around her began turning a bright white. The faces of those rushing to her aid were being bleached by the blissful paleness taking over her vision, the taste of blood in her mouth vanishing as all of it, the burdens of her past, her joy, _her Emerald,_ was washed away.

Just washed away…


	84. Baby Don't Let Go

_**No, this is NOT an early release of the final chapter. It will still be posted Saturday ;)**_

 _ **Also: the origin of The Lieutenant's name. Gray is the color (obviously), and J. Sawyer is in reference to Jeddiah Sawyer, aka Leatherface from The Texas Chainsaw Massacre horror films.**_

* * *

The final day of Big Brother: Ozpin was broadcast to nearly 10,000 people.

Not a single one of them had seen or heard about what happened after the camera feed went purple.

In an effort to cover up the destruction caused by the malevolent A.I. that descended upon the housemates, Ozpin forged a fake cancellation request from himself. To have the public think that the Headmaster of the prestigious Beacon Academy had finally discovered the debauchery within that home and put an end to it for the well-being of his students was quite the publicity stunt. He also released a statement saying that the $1000's of lien donations went to the care of shelter animals, because telling viewers that their cash was lost due to a simple gambling misunderstanding probably wouldn't go over too well.

The worst part was that Ozpin hadn't told the housemates the truth yet.

Ozpin had been working out of the Beacon Academy hospital for the past week, staying in the vicinity of his injured contestants. Some had recovered quickly from their injuries and were up on their feet; the moment Glynda was healthy she ran to the school just to get away from Oz for 24 hours. As Oz began to return weapons to their respective owners, Penny had received a visit from a man he did not recognize (her 'father', perhaps?) to examine her systems for any trace of the rogue A.I. that could be only be traced back to Salem's doing. Luckily, any remnants of the being Penny called Sir Lord Virulet the 13th were completely gone. The others that had been badly hurt were getting better, but were still mostly bedridden as their injuries finished healing naturally.

But one of them… Ozpin wasn't sure what to expect. Qrow and Taiyang had managed to rescue everyone in the burning house just in time, but there was one they weren't sure they reached soon enough. If her condition grew any worse, if modern medicine could not pull her from the brink, there was one other option. Depending on the will of magic and forces Ozpin himself didn't quite completely understand yet was risky, but it was better than giving up hope entirely.

Still, Ozpin hated trading one life for another no matter the situation. He always would.

"Got that Goliath outta the way," Qrow said, entering the waiting room with flask in hand, "Took a bit to wrangle him into that pen out in the Forever Fall. Good thing that giant son of a bitch is as friendly as Zwei."

"That is good to hear…"

"…Look, I know what yer feelin' right now. It wasn't your fault this happened. It was that witch and her stupid computer program. We couldn't have done anything to stop it."

"We could have, Qrow. We train them to be Hunters and Huntresses, yet I took away the things they needed most to become one. This was just another one of my many mistakes. Perhaps… Perhaps I should rethink my ideologies, among other things."

Qrow took a long swig from his flask, coughing from the bitterness of it. "Oz. You're killin' yourself here. If ya look past, well, the reason we're in this hospital, you did a good thing. Those kids an' criminals did it. They became a family. And nothin' that bitch can ever throw at them is gonna ruin that."

"…Perhaps."

Standing up, Oz rested on his cane as he looked out the window. The tower of his academy, the symbol of everything he had ever established, stood tall as a symbol of unity between the nations.

Unity. He really liked that word.

"Perhaps, Mr. Branwen, we have strengthened that tower just a bit more through this endeavor."

"…Say what now?"

"You'll figure it out. In time."

"Seriously, stop being so cryptic all the time. Gives me a headache."

There was a beep from across the room, and the sliding doors opened as a new visitor stormed in. Winter Schnee made a beeline straight towards Qrow, no sign of positivity on her face. Before the drunk could open his mouth, she slapped it for him. "You bumbling fool! Why didn't you contact me?"

"Last I checked, we weren't a thing. Unless you _want_ us to be a thing."

"I was talking about my sister!" Winter stomped her foot, blushing, "Where is she? Is she alright?"

"Actually," Ozpin said, striding past the two, "We were just about to go pay everyone a visit. I have... _some news_ to deliver."

* * *

"And so I was like, _'Just you try it!'_ , and then I kicked that son of a gun right in the kisser!" Punching at the air, Yang elaborately described to Ruby her brief fight against Virulet. The blonde was able to stand before everyone else, and was back to her normal self immediately after. While her sibling found her exploits pretty cool, her father wasn't so amused.

"Yang, that was reckless!" Taiyang groaned, "You didn't know your Semblance would kick in! He could have killed you!"

"Yeah, but here I am. Just some minor bruises and shock burns. I think I kicked some ass for a little bit there."

"She's tough, Dad," Ruby smiled, grasping her sister's hand, "Let's just be happy we're all here together."

"Amen to that, sister!" Lieutenant Gray J. Sawyer called from across the room. He was still bedridden (complete with hot pink sheets), as was his superior beside him. He and Adam had suffered some pretty harsh burns from the explosion, but it did nothing to hinder the big guy's cheery personality.

"Can a guy nap in peace over here?" Adam muffled from under his pillow, "You are all being so loud. I would like to get some rest before Miltia stops by later."

"I think it is so sweet how she comes by every day to see you," smiled a weary Pyrrha. She had been recovering quite well from her concussion, and Jaune had been by her side every minute of it. Unlike Adam, he had no trouble sleeping right now, his face buried and drooling on Pyrrha's sheets. "Perhaps we should try a double date someday."

"Wait in line, Pyr," Lieutenant Gray winked, "I'm gonna be his wingman on their trip to Junior's Club!"

"Never agreed to that, Gray."

"Aw, boss! You're having memory loss again!"

"No. I remember explicitly saying-

" _We've got munchies!"_ Bursting into the room with a handful of grocery bags, Nora led the rest of the gang into the tiny space. Ren propped open a card table, letting Nora and Weiss to start setting food on top of it.

"Take as much as you like," Ren said, "We have plenty for everyone."

"Ooh, don't mind if I do!" Yang grinned, reaching for a bag of potato chips. Blake slapped her hand away, taking the junk food over to Pyrrha.

"Wait your turn. Bedridden people get first choice. Then you. Then Adam."

"I heard that."

"We know," Sun answered Taurus, tossing him an apple, "But only Blake follows that rule. You're cool with me, man."

After handing Lieutenant Gray a tub of ice cream, Weiss saw Neo standing intently behind her waiting for her share. "Let me guess… Neapolitan flavor, right?"

"Actually," Roman butted in, chuckling as he patted Neo on the head, "Cinnamon. Yeah, I know it's weird with that being her name and all. She's actually allergic to strawberry. Gives her this _strange rash-_

Neo elbowed him in the lower gut, telling him that some things should definitely be kept private even between friends. "Point… taken, Buttercup..."

"I am curious about this thing you call a 'rash', Roman," Penny leaned in to the keeling over crook. If one thing about her hadn't been touched by Virulet, it was her inquisitiveness. "Could you perhaps describe it to me in detail?"

"I don't think Roman wants to get hurt anymore, Penny," Velvet laughed nervously. Her words actually described herself more than anything. Just a few days after being admitted into the hospital, Mercury had gotten his prosthetic legs repaired and completed. When Velvet had dropped in to check up on him, the 5-Star Man had left without a trace. She had known what their agreement was in regards to their relationship after the 30 days ended, but was hoping that his behavior towards the end had been a signal for a change of heart.

"And here's some for you, Zwei!" Ruby knelt down, filling up a small dish for her fluffy friend. The Corgi was as jolly as ever, with the promise of going on trips to Forever Fall to play with Mr. Tibbs keeping him excited for the foreseeable future.

With all the food dispersed, everyone began to dig in, chatting and joking just like they had back at the penthouse. However, one thing sat in the back of their minds. Aside from Mercury, two people still weren't with them right now.

"Do you… Do you think Emerald will come over today?"

Ruby's question hushed the room. They all knew that, ever since arriving, Sustrai had not left Cinder's side in the Intensive Care ward. Only a few of them could bring themselves to go visit; seeing both Em and Cinder in such a terrible state was almost too much to take in. Rumor had it that Mercury dropped in before disappearing to try and convince her to see the others, but nobody knew that for sure.

"Ruby," Weiss sighed, her hold on her fork tightening, "I think it's best for Emerald to be alone for a while. She's going through a lot."

"I know, but shouldn't we be there for her?"

"Everyone copes differently, Red," Roman replied, lighting a cigar, "She won't leave her side. Poor girl's fighting for her life in that room. Probably best for someone to stay there and hold her hand."

"Those are wise words, Roman," Taiyang said, "I never took you for the wise type, knowing your history."

"You'd be surprised of some of the things the authorities don't keep on record."

There was a knock at the door, and Ozpin saw himself in. He hadn't seen everyone in a group setting for a long while, and had to smile just faintly as Qrow and Winter filed in behind him. The latter embraced her sister almost immediately.

"Are you hurt in any way? Did that abomination strike you?"

"Not really, but my sickness is mostly gone. I've only had a stuffy nose once in a while… Does father know of anything?"

"Only that you had a sickening cold at school. He wishes you the best of health."

"I am pleased to see you all as merry as ever," Ozpin said, pulling over the seat Taiyang had been using, "But there is some important news I must deliver."

The tone in Ozpin's voice worried Ruby. "Is something wrong?"

"It is in regard to the… prize money. I, well-

"Someone hacked the account."

Ozpin looked up in shock at Qrow, who seemed to be covering his tracks once more.

 _"What?!"_ Roman shot to his feet, holding his arms out in confusion, "When the hell did that happen?!"

"Right before that metal freak attacked you guys. They must have took the opportunity to do it when the cams were down. Stupid A.I. probably damaged our security systems and gave him an opening."

"B-But, how…?" Lieutenant Gray stuttered, "How am I gonna buy those new satin curtains now?"

Blake's eyes were wider than anyone's. "My lifetime supply of tuna…"

"James will not enjoy me reporting this," Winter shook her head in disappointment, biting her lip at the thought of Ironwoood's rage, "And you are sure there is nothing left?"

"Nothin'. Nada. All gone."

"I am so sorry," Ozpin bowed his head, "I know you were all looking forward to your prize money, but there was nothing I could do."

"…It's okay."

Ozpin heard Ruby's soft voice, the girl walking up to pat him on the shoulder. She looked as if she hadn't even heard the terrible news he had just said.

"I honestly never wanted to be paid for this. Look at all of us, Ozpin. We're happy. We're friends. It might sound pretty corny – okay, it's definitely corny – but the best prize I could ever get out of this was making these new friends I've got here with me."

"I could not have said it better myself," Pyrrha smiled, softly petting the sleeping Jaune's head, "There is nothing else I could have ever asked for from this experience.

"I agree," Adam followed, "Besides, I was going to use my reward for the White Fang militia before. And now, I am not sure if I will return to them so soon. I am just pleased to be alive."

"Yeah, that sums it up just about right," Sun said, putting his arm around Blake, "Don't worry. You'll get that tuna someday."

"Ooh!" Nora slammed her cup on the table, her mouth covered with sticky syrup. She knew just how to make everyone feel better. "Velvet! Group picture! Now!"

"Alrighty!" the rabbit nodded, digging in her bag for her camera, "Gather around everyone!"

Before she could get herself excited, Ruby realized that this couldn't be a group picture. "Guys… wait. Not yet."

"What's up, sis?" Yang asked as she helped Gray into a wheel chair.

"Hold up a minute, everyone. Get everyone out of bed and follow me down the hall. And Pyrrha… Please wake Jaune up. He's forming a puddle of drool now. It's kinda yucky."

* * *

Emerald was so tired she couldn't even close her eyes to sleep. Her knees were sore from being on the hard tile floor of the intensive care floor; not even the pillow the head nurse had brought in for her made it feel any softer. She wasn't religious by any means, but she had uttered at least a few prayers over the last week, hoping for something to wake up and heal her Cinder. She needed a miracle more than anything now.

The doctor had finally told her the details yesterday. A damaged lung, massive blood loss, a broken Aura, and a punctured throat… He'd never seen someone with such major injuries, let alone heard of anyone who had survived an equivalent to them.

He told her he had done all he could.

Emerald called him a liar. She couldn't help but let her venomous side slip out, if briefly. Her life was slowly fading in a hospital bed. Nobody could say she was in the wrong for being on the brink of losing her heart.

She kissed Cinder's hand again for what felt like… Hell, she couldn't even keep count anymore. Every time she did, she would look up expecting Fall's amber eyes to be gazing weekly down at her.

But each time, they stayed shut.

"Knock-knock."

Emerald looked over her shoulder for a second, then turned once she saw Ruby poking her head through the tiny glass window. "It's unlocked."

"How are you two holding up?" Ruby said leaving the door open just an inch. She winced upon looking at Cinder's beaten body, life support tubes hooked to her.

"Ruby… Don't pity us."

"Huh?"

 _"We deserve this!"_ Emerald said through clenched teeth, "We've done so many horrible things in the past, and it finally comes back to kick us when we're finally happy! We should've known… I should've known this would happen to us. It's all my fault, Ruby. It's my fault we fell in love. I just couldn't hold back from being around her, and… and I'm not going to be able to go on if she di-

" _Emmy."_

A gentle, yet weak, caress cut off her words immediately. Red and amber eyes met for the first time in days, and Emerald broke down as she shot up and hugged Cinder with all that she had.

"Cinder!" Emerald muffled, her face buried into the pillow beside Cinder, "I've been so scared... I can't lose you..."

Ruby was beaming, but felt a bit odd standing off to the side watching this tearful sight. "I can wait outside, if you want."

"No, Ruby," Cinder mustered out, "I want you here… I needed to thank you again. For everything."

"Don't be like that, Cinder. The more you say it, the more you make it seem like you won't-

A subtle change in expression from Fall made Ruby's stomach drop. There was a reason she had to thank her again: it was because she had a feeling she might not have another chance to. Ruby tried her best not to cry, but it was pretty damn hard for her not to. She closed her eyes tightly, only letting one or two tears seep through as she walked over to the other side of Cinder's bed and hugged her.

"Stay strong, Cinder," she whispered in Fall's ear, "I know you can make it."

Cinder rested her head back on the pillow, feeling tired again. So tired… But she couldn't sleep yet. Something was bugging her.

"Ruby… Tell Weiss to stop peeking through the door and come hug me."

"Huh? _Oh yeah!_ They're all still out there! Come in, guys!"

That poor door was knocked off its hinges as the entire gang piled in, rushing to the bed to see Cinder. Weiss got there first, happy to see her former rival well and awake. She handed her a white flower, sliding it into her hair.

"We've all been worried sick about you!" Weiss said, clearing her eyes.

Blake scooted in beside her, patting Emerald on the back. "Both of you, to be exact."

"You guys…" Cinder sighed, closing her eyes, "You shouldn't… be so happy to see me. I didn't even get to sing my song."

"That should be the last thing on your mind right now," Pyrrha said in her wheelchair, Adam and Gray beside her in their own, "Just be glad we can all fit in this room for a picture."

"A… picture?"

"It's what families do, kid," Qrow smirked from the back of the crowd, shoulder to shoulder with Taiyang and Winter, "Should probably get used to it."

"Because we _are_ a family!" Penny exclaimed, pumping her fist in the air and nearly punching Roman in the face.

"I think she gets it, sport," Torchwick rolled his eyes, tipping his hat to Fall, "So whaddya say, 'boss'? Up for a snapshot?"

Cinder's eyes scanned over everyone before her: All of Team RWBY in order up front with Sun poking in beside Blake, Team JNPR holding Pyrrha, Adam, and Lieutenant Gray's wheelchairs, Velvet showing Penny how her camera works, Roman and Neo subtly holding hands, Qrow, Winter, and Taiyang way in the back, Ozpin sipping his coffee while nodding at her, and Emerald at her side.

Penny couldn't have been more right: this _was_ her family.

"Hold on…" Cinder grimaced as she pushed herself up in her bed, feeling the pain in her chest, "Let me just sit up so I don't look like a complete zombie. Where is Mercury?"

If anyone felt like they should be the one to answer her, it was Velvet. The bunny sighed, handing her camera to Winter so she could tell her what happened.

And then the 5-Star Man walked in through the door behind them with a bundle of roses in his hands.

"Uh…" Mercury froze as everyone stared at him. He had come back hoping no one would be around to see him deliver his 'Get Well Soon' present to Cinder, but that plan (and his cold, sexy, masculine demeanor) was utterly screwed now. "Okay… You guys didn't see me-

" _Get over here, you!"_

Before Black could high-tail it out of there, Velvet jumped on him and dragged him into the group. She refused to let go of him nuzzling her face on his arm as he felt more awkward than ever before. "Yeah, yeah… I missed you too."

"And the Golden God has melt-eth," Jaune joked, punching Merc lightly on the shoulder.

"Doesn't change anything. Still not sticking around for too long. Just came to drop off those plants… And also give someone a dance I owed them…"

Squeeing, Velvet literally hopped up and pecked Mercury on the cheek with a quick kiss. The 5-Star man was taken aback for a second, but returned to his usual composure and chuckled. "Heh… Knew I'd get some payoff in the end. Didn't even need to use The System."

"Please, gather in close everyone," Winter ordered, using her hands to guide people like traffic, "You want this to be a formal picture, do you not?"

"Formal my ass," Qrow snorted, taking a long drink from his flask, "Take the snapshot, beautiful."

"God, you're disgusting."

"And you're sexy. In a bitchy kinda way."

"Still not a hit with the ladies, I see," Taiyang sighed, patting his brother in law on the pack in pity.

"How gross," Weiss face palmed at Qrow, shaking her head.

Ruby threw her arm over her shoulder. "Hey, think about it Weiss. If anything happens with them, then we're related! Doesn't that sound great?"

" _BARK!"_ Zwei added, also wanting Weiss to join his family.

"Then we'd just have to find a way to get Blake in the family," Yang grinned, nudging the cat in the side, "How about it, Blake? You, me and Sun? One of those triple couples? I'll leave the hip-bumping to you two though~! I'm expecting a whole litter of kittens!"

Deciding to humor the blonde for once, Blake rolled her eyes and smiled. "Only if Sun says yes."

" _Hold on now!"_ the monkey laughed nervously, "Let's leave the baby talk to the side for now; I wanna graduate school first!"

"I second that," Jaune whispered down to Pyrrha.

"Of course," Pyrrha giggled, taking hold of his hand, "One step at a time."

"Ren, lets name our daughter Rainbow Bright!"

"Nora… What am I going to do with you?"

Winter snapped her fingers. "Ahem! Can you all _please-_

"Adam, how does my mask look?" Lieutenant Gray asked, patting his covered face.

"The same as it always does, other than the glitter you put on it the other day. I still can't comprehend your logic behind that"

" _I think it looks fabulous~!"_

"May I try your mask on?" Penny asked the big guy.

"Maybe later!"

"Here, Mercury," Velvet reached up to brush his messy hair back, "You look like you just woke up!"

"That's because I just did. Like, about thirty minutes ago. Those hospital gift shop flowers cost a shit-load of lien. Can't wait to have myself that prize money so that won't be a problem anymore."

Roman looked down at Neo, raising his eyebrow. "Should I tell him?"

Winking, Neo shook her head and mouthed 'no'.

"Yeah, you're right. Funnier to let him find out on his own."

" _Everyone!"_ Winter shouted, on the verge of bursting a blood vessel, "Please! You have five seconds to get ready before I take this picture!"

Emerald leaned over and kissed Cinder on the cheek, snuggling in close. "I love you. For all and forever."

"As do I." Returning the favor with a kiss to the lips, Cinder turned Em's head to the camera with her hand as everyone smiled. The intense pain in her chest didn't even phase Cinder as the camera flashed, capturing this moment forever in a photo.

She wasn't sure if she was going to make it out of this hospital with her life, but at least Cinder could go out knowing she finally obtained the one thing she always striven for: a family that loved her.

Yeah. This was much better than ruling the world.


	85. Just Another Fairy Tale

_**One month later.**_

* * *

There was probably a miscalculation somewhere in Salem's plan.

She sat on her throne silently, still contemplating for going on the fourth week now on how things could have gone wrong. Honestly, she blamed Virulet for most of the failure. He was too arrogant, too single-minded. She really should have scrapped him the moment he first told her to shut up and called her a fool.

Looking back on it, it really was all her fault she had lost.

Those housemates had gotten the best of her, as did Ozpin. She had once again miscalculated the human spirit and the power it held. Now, she was out of pawns and out of a plan.

Her quest for world domination and the eradication of mankind… All ruined because that foolish Ozpin wanted a goddamn video game system. And she accepted his challenge.

Life's a bitch.

* * *

My name is Zwei Rose-Xiao Long, and I would love to thank you for sitting so patiently during my recollections of daily life for our time together.

I must say, it is quite delightful to be back home, where I can nuzzle into my favorite nap pillow and rest my cares away. A Corgi needs his cutie sleep, and there is no better place than home to obtain it.

Of course, I miss the new friends I had the delight of meeting during the month prior. Though the final day there was indeed quite frightening (I am sure I could have overcome the Tin Tyrant in combat; his hammy personality would have been no match for my surprisingly muscular- yet still fluffy – posterior), I am overjoyed that we are still alive and breathing the fine air of this planet.

My most heartfelt wishes go out to the Crimson Queen. May the big Corgi overlord in the sky bring upon her good health and fortune during this desperate time she finds herself in. Surely she needs all the support she can get right now.

Master Taiyang has spoken much more with Uncle Qrow since the incident. I am so glad. Uncle Qrow knows how to play a jolly good game of fetch. I cannot contain my excitement for when he comes to visit once more. Though I hope he does not bring Snow White 2.0 with him. She did not appreciate the deceased bird I bestowed upon her as a welcoming gift. If she is to become more than his 'reluctant consort' as she put it, then she must begin to understand the honor of receiving a dead avian from myself. It is only good manners.

Oh! It seems the time has come for me to visit my best four-legged friend Mr. Tibbs once more. I can hear Master Taiyang calling for me to come. That pachyderm may be much larger than me now, but his trunk is the best slide this side of Vale.

Until next time, chaps. Whenever that time may come.

 _~ Zwei Rose-Xiao Long_

* * *

"And here's the T.V stars!"

Team RWBY and JNPR looked up from their trays as Team CFVY and Team SSSN joined them at their lunch table. Coco Adel patted Ruby on the back roughly, forgetting she wasn't as durable as her male teammates she usually slapped around.

"How's it going, Coco?" Ruby asked, sipping from a milk carton.

"Not bad, not bad… They still working on releasing a DVD of your show?"

"I doubt it," Blake replied, Sun scooting in beside her, "They still can't find any footage of the last day. Probably best they don't though."

Sun nodded in agreement, remembering the cover-up excuse for the battle with the A.I. "Yeah, it got pretty crazy at that party. Jaune might have gotten naked after a few drinks."

" _Sun! That didn't happen! Remember?!"_

"I don't know, Jaune," Yang smirked, "I'm definitely sure you whipped out you little Arc that night."

"I also remember that happening," Ren followed, hiding his smirk with a ham sandwich.

" _And then you made it talk!"_ Nora added, laughing hysterically.

Weiss buried her head in her hands, trying to clear her mind. "Please don't put that image in my head…"

In desperation to clear his name, Jaune looked to Pyrrha. "Come on, Pyr! Back me up!"

Setting down her food, Pyrrha took Jaune's hand. "Don't worry, Jaune. I know you 'little Arc' isn't so little."

"TMI, Nikos," Neptune shook his head, "TMI… Oh, look who's coming on over."

" _Sal-u-tations,_ comrades!" Penny waved excitedly, sitting down by Velvet. The newest student at Beacon Academy had never been so happy to be doing schoolwork and studying every night (probably because she was already programmed with all the answers), because she knew her friends were right down the hall from her. "How are you all doing this fine and lovely day?"

"Just perfect, Penny! Velvet beamed, "And you?"

" _Sensational!_ My teammates are resting up from our _super-fun_ workout session! They did so well today! Their muscles should be feeling fine in about 3.47 hours!"

"Don't go too hard on them, Penny," Ruby smiled, "They aren't as special as you, if you catch my drift."

Penny pondered the phrase for a second, before understanding the robotic secret Ruby was referencing. "Oh! I do indeed catch the drift you are throwing to me!"

"So, Velvet," Weiss looked to the rabbit, "Has the 5-Star Man ever responded to your last message to him?"

Velvet sighed, Mercury's sly smirking face passing through her brain. "Just a bit ago, but he still won't tell me exactly where's he's at. We even did a face-cam once, but he made sure to stand in front of a brick wall so I couldn't figure it out! He's so mysterious…!"

"I think he's still just a tool…" Blake mumbled, but Velvet heard it with her super-sensitive ears.

"Oh no he's not Blake! He's actually really sweet. He sent me some chocolate in the mail one day! Don't tell him I told you guys that, though. He'd get embarrassed."

Suddenly, the cafeteria doors were kicked wide open as two figures strode inside. Being on supervisor duty, Glynda turned to face the intruders, but rolled her eyes and left when she recognized the two reformed criminals. "I am not dealing with this today," she grumbled, pulling out her scroll to make a call, "Oobleck? Get down to the cafeteria. You're taking my shift."

"Yang Xiao Long!" Roman Torchwick called out, standing atop an empty table. Neo was at his side like always, wearing a blue and white jacket complete with a red baseball cap. "We're looking for a Yang Xiao Long! Will a Miss Yang Xiao Long please stand up?"

"Hey Roman!" Ruby waved as her sister rose from her seat, "It's been a while!"

"Same to you, Little Red. But we're here for business. Got a score to settle."

"Is that so?" Yang grinned, recognizing the style of outfit Neo was wearing. She reached into her pocket and pulled out her GameGirl. "Back for a rematch, Neo? I hope you've trained your _Chinpocketmon_ well!"

Nodding, Neo dramatically pulled out her own game system. She was more than ready for this. As the two rivals began their highly anticipated rematch, Roman raised his hat high. "Place your bets, children! One battle, one victor!"

"Let's go Yang!" Ruby cheered, leaping up beside her sister on the table.

"I hope you're ready, Neo!" Yang clenched he fist as the battle music started to play, "Because this match starts _now!"_

* * *

Sliding his scroll into his pocket after responding to Velvet, Mercury yawned as he leaned forward on the bar counter. Scarlatina had been sending him messages every day since the gang had split up, and it had almost cost him a couple of clients. He had kept true to his word. Someone had to walk in his father's footsteps and take out the lowlifes of the underworld. All that work was pretty tiring, even for a 5-Star Man. It was a good thing there were fine establishments like Junior's Club that were stupid enough to fall for a fake I.D.

"Bacardi 151," Black waved at the bartender, "One glass. Make it strong."

Junior laughed to himself. "If I do that, you'll be slumped up against a wall without a clue in the world. Shit's some of the hardest liquor I got, kid."

"Why do you think I ordered it?"

Catching the glass as Junior slid it down the bar, Merc brought it to his mouth and cringed at the overwhelming scent of it. Hell, he could get wasted just by smelling this.

It smelled like his father.

…Why was he here, anyways? Mercury Black wasn't one to wash his sorrows away with alcohol. There was no way he could be doubting himself right now. His choices, his path…

No. Someone had to do what he did. It was the way of the world.

"You going to drink that or what, kid?"

Mercury jumped slightly at the voice beside him. Just a second ago, the barstool beside him had been empty. Now, a woman dressed in red occupied the stool. Her hair was long and messy, pointed like the feathers of a raven and draping down past her shoulders. If not for Velvet, he wouldn't feel guilty in calling her a MILF.

But then again, her face looked remarkably similar to… Nah. The resemblance between her and blondie had to be a coincidence.

"Didn't pay for it yet," Merc replied, "You can have it if you're willing to."

"You're quite young for a drink of that caliber," the woman said, "Someone like you shouldn't need that in their system. Unless you're trying to forget about something."

Black snorted. "So what if I am? Shouldn't concern you."

"Perhaps not. But then again, I don't think Scarlatina would feel at ease if she knew you were doing this to yourself."

His eyes widening for a second, Merc turned to face the woman. "So you watched the show, I take it."

"You'd be surprised at some of the people who have. Granted, I was watching because of a different person in that house. You were kind of a prick most of the time."

"Hmph. Nobody appreciates a Golden God."

"Except Velvet."

"Do you have a point, or you just going to sit here and pick at me lady?"

The woman's hand fell to her side, where Mercury finally noticed the sheath hanging from her belt. She gripped the blade's handle tightly, pulling it out slightly to show him the deep red blade within.

"Our lives are pretty similar, in a way. Both of us working from the shadows, doing things most might consider unethical. It's a dangerous life."

"Tell me something I don't know."

"It shouldn't mean you can't watch out for the ones you care about."

"You sound like Velvet now."

"Maybe I do. Or maybe I don't want to see another girl be abandoned by someone she loves because of a life like ours. Where every day you fear for someone going after them, or them fearing for you to come home alive. It gets sickening after a while."

"Then why bother?" Mercury said, moving the glass away, "Just go back to whoever it is you left behind."

The woman smiled, shaking her head. "I'm too far gone now. And too old. But not you, though. You might have killed, but you weren't raised to know anything else I bet. You can change your future, just like your friends did. It just won't be as easy."

Black stared at the reflection of his face in the counter, noticing the scar left on his face by that bastard A.I. If he left this bar the same way he had come in, he'd be getting many more over time.

One scar was good for a 5-Star Man. Too many would just be ugly.

Velvet probably wouldn't like it either.

"…So," Merc smirked, looking back up to hand the woman his drink, "You want this- Huh?"

She was gone. Mercury scanned over the dozens of people behind him on the dance floor, but there was not a sign of the mysterious woman. For a second he thought he did, but realized it was Miltia Malachite chatting with her sister Melanie. So much black and red; he was getting flashbacks of Taurus now. Black turned to Junior for a second pair of eyes.

"Did you see her leave?"

"Who?"

Merc pointed to the empty seat beside him. "The woman who was just here. Didn't you see her?"

"I didn't even notice, kid. Now are you going to drink that or not? That stuff is expensive."

Sighing, Merc returned the drink to Junior. "Keep it. Can't have my breath smellin' like that shit. I've gottta go visit someone later."

* * *

"I'm home, Gray," Adam announced, throwing his jacket onto the couch. He looked around his small apartment room for his roommate, and cringed when he spotted the Muscle-Men-Monthly magazines scattered on the coffee table. _"Gray!_ I told you to keep those in your room!"

"Sorry, Adam!" Lieutenant Gray rushed out of his room, wearing only a hot pink towel and his mask, "I didn't think you'd be back from your date with Miltia so early!"

"The sky decided to rain today," Adam slicked back his wet hair, drying his exposed yellow eyes. He was still getting used to the whole no-mask thing ever since abandoning the White Fang. Apparently his higher ups had believed he had actually died in the penthouse explosion, or just didn't care enough to come look for him. They always did call him a 'borderline retarded teenage bad-ass wannabe', or something along those lines. Adam had no quarrels with not having to take that name calling anymore.

"So dish-dish~!" Gray asked, resting his hands on his chin, "How'd it go? Did you say the L word yet?"

"…Libertarian?"

"No, silly! _La-la-la-love!"_

"Let's talk about that later," Adam yawned, laying back on the couch, "I'm hungry. Our meal was drenched by the tears of the sky."

"Sounds good!" Lieutenant Gray clapped his hands together, "What can I make for ya? I picked up some _exotic butters_ at the store today, if you're up for that?"

"Just some Skittles. No-

" _No green ones,_ like always! You don't have to tell me that twice, Daddy! They're coming right up!"

If Adam wasn't exhausted right now, he'd yell at the big guy for his incredibly homoerotic nickname for him. But deep down, he honestly didn't mind. Adam had two people who wanted to be around him at all times. And goddammit, a campy gay best friend that wanted to get in his pants was better than no best friend at all.

* * *

"Thanks for the ride!" Emerald waved to her taxi driver before he pulled away from the curb to her tiny two-room home. She ran through the rain to her front door, covering her head with her bag as she unlocked it and stumbled inside, leaving the entrance wide open for rain to blow in. She really needed to get a lock she could unlatch easier. When Ozpin took her to this small little house on the west-side of Vale, Emerald didn't think she'd have to use the 20,000 lien the headmaster had given her to so soon on repairs. She didn't care from what place he had siphoned that money on; at least she could afford food for once.

Even if she could barely eat anymore.

A few weeks ago, not too long after the gang had split up, Cinder's condition made a turn for the worse. With the Fall Maiden powers within her on his mind, Ozpin had moved her to another location that he could not disclose to Emerald. He said that the powers of the Maiden should be near their original host (who was also still on the line between life and death), in the chance one of them lost the will to live. If that was the case, Ozpin presumed that the half of the powers from the deceased would return to their other half in the living girl, potentially rejuvenating their health and making them into a full Maiden.

Emerald hadn't seen Cinder since that day. She wasn't even sure if…

" _Damn it…"_

Emerald took a deep breath, fighting back her emotions. She had to stay calm now. If she spent every day worrying about Cinder, she wouldn't be able to take care of herself. If the time to let go ever came, she needed to be ready for it.

She set her bag of groceries on the counter, slipping out of her jacket as the door behind her creaked shut, the figure hiding ever so quietly behind it staring her down. When the knob clicked shut Em spun around, knowing it couldn't close unless someone had pushed it shut. She held her keys like daggers between her fingers; she hadn't fought in some time, but she could be violent if she needed to be.

Those skills weren't needed today.

The keys slipped from her hands, jingling as they hit the floor. Emerald's watery eyes were glued on the person stepping out of the shadow of the doorway, wondering if she had cast an illusion on herself.

But no. This was no illusion.

She stood there, her obsidian hair still soaked from the rain she had only escaped from minutes before Emerald had arrived back home. She was clothed in a brown dress, white tape wrapped up her arms and neck to cover the scar left behind by Virulet. Her eyes were a stronger amber shade now, and she had a staff with a red gem strapped to her back. She…

She was just as beautiful as she had remembered.

"A terrible day for rain, isn't it Emmy?"

* * *

Ozpin always hated these trips to Atlas, especially when he went by himself. The corridors of Ironwood's twelve-story tower were just as hard to navigate as the city streets and the sewers below them.

Why did Ozpin know what it was like to be in the sewers? Let's just say a homeless Faunus decided to give him incredibly wrong directions on one occasion for the laughs. Ozpin finally realized why the rule about not talking to strangers was important that day. Those vicious sewer gator Grimm sure did pack a punch.

Today, Ozpin was about to face a more ferocious beast: a furious James Ironwood.

He had been putting off this meeting for the longest time, mostly in fear of the physical beating he was expecting from James for gambling all the money away. The general had sent his men to Beacon to abduct him and bring him here for weeks, but Ozpin was a master of hide-and-seek. Those single-minded Atlesian knights were probably still looking for him right now.

Unfortunately, Glynda had forced him on this trip; she just had to make sure he got another beating, even if it wasn't from her.

Taking a deep breath, Ozpin stood before James' office as its doors slid open. The general was behind his desk, bags under his eyes and looking very, _very_ agitated as rain poured down the big glass window pane behind him. Lighting struck in the distance, only making Ozpin's stomach feel sicker.

"Ozpin."

"James."

The two men stood in place, the room as quiet as the void of space other than the pitter-patter of droplets outside. James calmly gestured to the chair before his desk. "Please. _Take a seat."_

The general's polite demeanor made Ozpin even more afraid of what was about to come. The Headmaster complied, pulling the chair out a far distance away from where it initially sat. The further distance between him and Ironwood, the better. The general slipped off his gloves, revealing his metal hand that he clenched into a fist.

"I would like to remind you of why you are here, Ozpin," James said, "You have stolen my identity and tarnished my reputation. You have stolen my money. And Glynda has told me you gambled it all away. I have no compensation anymore, Ozpin. Which means I have no incentive to not do what I am about to do right now. Do you understand what I am telling you?"

"…Yes. Unfortunately."

"I am going to hurt you, Ozpin," James said calmly, cracking his neck, "You will most certainly not enjoy it. Do not try to run. Do not try to resist. If you do, I will hurt you even more. Do you understand?"

"I understand. But first… A proposition."

Ironwood removed his coat, placing it neatly on his seat. "Very well. You may try and weasel your way out of this. I could use a good laugh right now."

"Oh no, James. I still expect to be beaten to an inch of my life. This is just an apology for losing the lien I owed you."

Reaching into his pocket, Ozpin tossed James a scroll with a list of names entitled _'James Ironwood's Jamboree: Potential Stars'_. The general scrolled through it, reading some of them out loud.

"Coco Adel… Neptune Vasilias… Neon Katt… Flynt Coal… Dew Gayle… The Malachite Twins… Junior Xiong… Is this some sort of joke?"

"No, James," Ozpin smirked, sipping the last ounce of coffee from his mug, "I just have one question to ask you."

"And that would be?"

"Are you a gambling man, James?"

* * *

 _ **There are people I would like to thank.**_

 _ **I'll start with my family, who kept telling me to write an actual original work but still were proud I was writing something. They might not get it, but they understood my passion for it.**_

 _ **To my assorted friends who would listen to my rambling ideas for this fic and actually thought they were funny.**_

 _ **To Monty, Miles, Kerry, and the rest of the RWBY staff and crew who created and voiced characters so endearing I couldn't help but fuck with them in an imaginary reality TV show set in an imaginary continuity of an imaginary universe.**_

 _ **To the RWBY sub-Reddit, for giving me a place to be a whore and advertise every Friday to get this fic out there for people to read. You people made me into a shipping monster, and I love you all for it. Chain of Command for life.**_

 _ **To all the Corgis in the world, who made me want to write dog POV chapters because they're so goddamn cute.**_

 _ **To the geniuses behind 'It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia', whose humor was my greatest muse.**_

 _ **To the handsome son of a bitch called me, who actually finished a story for once in his life. Good for you, good lookin'.**_

 _ **And most importantly, to the hundreds of you who have stuck around for this wild, wild fucking ride, and for those of you reading this long after I have finished updating. I enjoyed everything you have ever said about this story, and I'm glad you enjoyed what was sprung from the mind of a very bored college student on a boring February night. I wouldn't have gone this far if not for any of you. Thank you so, so much for making me love to write again.**_

 _ **Keep moving forward.**_

 _ **Just don't trip over anything along the way. Falling hurts like a bitch.**_


	86. EX 1: The Return

**So. Here we are again.**

 **It's been about 4 or so months since the end of this fic, and I still can't believe how popular it had gotten since I started it nearly a year ago. I gave a lot of people something to enjoy in that time, and even more people are finding this crazy story.**

 **I think it's time we go a little further.**

 **The chapters to come are one-shots and short side stories that go into the lives of our favorite RWBY characters post-Big Brother: Ozpin and how they cope with day-to-day life (or fail to do so). Characters that did not appear very often in the main story (or didn't appear at all, i.e. Volume 4 characters) will take center stage at times, but will experience the same batshit crazy scenarios the main cast had to deal with.**

 **There is no set amount to how many of these chapters I will make, a dedicated length, nor a schedule to their posting. If I think of an idea, you can bet I will have it typed and ready for you to read.**

 **Now… back to it.**

* * *

"Ah… Home sweet home."

The trio of men paced down the dark hallway lit by torches, finally back at their base of operations after six months out in the field. One of them, bearing the most pristine and debonair of moustaches, led the way. He adjusted the collar of his petticoat, assuring that he looked his best in front of Her Grace.

"Ooh, I cannot wait to see our new plaything!" one of the men said with dark glee. His narrow yellow eyes dilating just at the thought of the heinous acts of torture he could perform. "I hope she is a screamer!"

The mustached man rolled his eyes in disgust. "Tyrian, please. I know you are incapable of having any class, but try to not mutilate this one so quickly."

"No class?" Tyrian gasped dramatically, taking a step back and covering his mouth in fake shock, "Why, my dear friend! I did not know of how low regard you held me. It hurts me so."

"Really now?"

"Oh, why of course! I consider you one of my best friends, and here you are degrading me. It pains my soul so deeply…"

"You're a terrible liar, Tyrian," the third and largest man spoke gruffly, "Just shut up until we get to the throne room."

"Thank you, Hazel," Watts replied, "Just put him in the sleeper hold again if he opens his mouth once more."

Tyrian gave his partners a deadpan glare before shrugging it off. Hell, maybe he would talk again just to piss them off. It wasn't like he minded the pain of being choked out. Just another kink of the job.

The three men reached the two gigantic doors to their boss's throne room, a pair of stone snake pillars on each side looming over them. Pushing them open, they strode into the space expecting their queen to be awaiting them on her throne, dignified and victorious in her quest to defeat Ozpin.

That was the exact opposite of what they witnessed.

Lying prone on the floor was a snoring Salem, bottles of booze littered about. No longer was she dressed in black robes, but instead in a felt brown dress lined with flowers. There was a wavering haze in the air with a very _medicinal_ scent, accompanied by the relaxing sound of reggae rock. Tie dye blankets hung from the wall, and a rainbow colored Beowolf was napping in the far end of the room on Salem's throne.

None of the men made a sound, and if Tyrian wasn't laughing, then you knew the situation was really fucked.

The empress hiccupped, stretching as she rose from her slumber, She brushed her loose hair from over her face and smiled – yes, a genuine, cheerful expression – at her subordinates. "Heey… Whazzup?"

"Y-Your Grace?" Watts said, still unsure if this was actually Salem or some twisted hallucination. The woman, ever so light on her feet, walked over and planted a kiss on his cheek. He reeled back in fear, and wiped it off in shock. _"What in blazes is going on?!"_

"I've found it, brother Watts," Salem said, pulling a lighter and a rolled up piece of paper from her dress. She ignited it, inhaling deeply and blowing a puff of smoke in the men's' faces. "This… is true bliss."

" _B-But why?! How?!_ The last time we saw you, you were planning to destroy Beacon Academy! What in bloody hell could've happened between that time to bring upon you this… _degenerate lifestyle?!"_

With Watts about to blow his top, Hazel stepped forward to calm the situation. "You lost the bet, didn't you?"

"Yes," Salem sighed, doing a weird dancing motion with her hands, "But I got to thinking: if those young people in that house could find peace, then why couldn't I? So I did some soul searching, and I found the greatest answer."

"…Maiming?" Tyrian replied, cocking his head. Hazel backhanded him for the pointless contribution. "Oh, come on. A little harder next time."

"This," Salem grinned, holding up the burning roll of paper and plants, "The young people call this a 'blunt'. I don't really know exactly what that means, but certain places sell this for medicinal purposes. And I must say, it is great at curing depression."

Hazel took notice of the dozens of bottles scattered about. "I'd say the alcohol helps as well… But what now?"

"What now?" Salem spun in a twirl, "What now is we enjoy our lives to their fullest! No more schemes, no more killing! Just carefree bliss…"

The three men looked at each other as their former queen skipped away from them to hug her rainbow Beowolf. They formed a group huddle to talk over a plan. This was quite the predicament; none of them really had much else to their name that wasn't attached to gaining great power from Salem. And with that future now down the drain… what else could they possibly do?

"So, who else feels like vomiting right now?" Tyrian asked, cringing.

"This is preposterous!" Watts hissed, "We leave for six months, and she loses her mind! All of our glory, our promised power… _Gone!_ _What do we do now?!"_

"We could kill her. That would be fun."

"Tyrian, she is still the same woman. She could eviscerate you in the blink of an eye if needed!"

"…I'm going home." Watts and Tyrian looked at Hazel in surprise. The big man nodded his head to reaffirm his words. "I've got a kid. A wife. They miss me. It's better than staying here."

Tyrian blinked twice. "…I still say we kill her."

"Enough!" Watts slapped the psycho in the back of the head, "You can try that, but I will not be a part of it and risk my life! It seems,,," the man sighed heavily, watching years and years of work go down the toilet, "I will have to find my way to the top through other means. Hazel, it has been an honor knowing you. Tyrian… Well, I just flat out despise you. The world would be much better off with you dead, and I hope you suffer an excruciating demise."

"All that and more back at you, my dear Watts."

The trio stood apart, taking one last look at their former queen.

"I… think we will take our leave now," Watts said, backing out of the room slowly, "We will, uh, keep in touch. Yes, we definitely will. If this phase of yours ever comes to an end, we will return in a heartbeat. Or at least, I will."

"Good luck to you in whatever it is you decide to do," Hazel bowed, leaving immediately after to get to his family sooner.

"If you ever need help dying, then you know who to call!" Tyrian winked. Once the madman sprinted down the hall, his cackling echoing throughout the castle, Watts turned his back to Salem and went to depart himself.

"Watts!" Salem's voice halted him in his tracks. He peered over his shoulder to see the woman waving goodbye to him. "Remember… Keep moving forward. Only then will you find the happiness you seek."

With a subtle salute, the mustached man shut the door on his past. He straightened his tie, standing straight and dignified as he paced down the hallway, the sound of his footsteps on the marble much louder now that he was alone.

"Adieu to you… My Grace."


	87. EX 2: Double Date Dining

**This chapter was inspired by my favorite episode of** _ **Its Always Sunny in Philadelphia.**_

 **If it wasn't too late, I would rename this fic to** _ **Its Always Sunny in Remnant**_ **, but oh well.**

* * *

"Table for two, please."

Dressed in evening gowns – one a shimmering scaly green, the other deep silky crimson – Cinder Fall and Emerald Sustrai weaved among the dozens of occupied tables at Chef Francis's Bowl Appetite, the finest restaurant this side of Atlas. The pair had spent an evening out on the town, having begun with a romantic film and ending with reservations for dinner at this 5-Star establishment. It was the first time the ladies had actually gone on what one could call a true date, and they had chosen today specifically to tie in with a certain anniversary.

"Your waiter will be right with you girls."

"Thank you," Emerald said to their hostess. While Cinder took a look at the menu, Emerald was drawn to their pristine surroundings. Atlesian marble sculptures surrounded a flower like fountain, gold lights accenting the royal atmosphere. The hue from the lamp above their table drew Emerald to Cinder's eyes, becoming lost in their glisten. Fall noticed her staring from above the edge of her menu.

"Enjoying yourself?" Cinder asked, "Don't you get tired of looking at me?"

"No, but it's not just that. I never imagined being somewhere like this with you six months ago."

Cinder sighed, sliding her hand over Emerald's resting on the table. "I know. Even with how much time has passed I'm still getting used to this way of life… Let's not think about the past, though. I want to be here right now, with just you to… Oh no."

The change in Cinder's tone alarmed Em. "What's up? Something wrong?"

"He saw me. Dammit, he saw me."

"Who? Where are they?" Em tried to turn around to look, but Fall pulled her back immediately. "Okay, you're acting weird."

"Just… Just don't look behind you, okay? If they see you, it'll cause a whole thing that I don't want to be part of. I want tonight to be about us."

"Seriously, who is it? Who could you possibly not want to know that we're here?"

* * *

"Cinder's here?" Gray J. Sawyer asked, adjusting his clip-on tie. Adam Taurus sat across from him, staring through a mess of people's heads at his former housemate's table.

"She looked me right in the eye, then pretended she didn't. I don't know why."

"Let's go say hello!" the lieutenant said, standing until his friend pulled him down. "I don't get it. What's wrong with saying hi?"

Adam folded his hands, resting his chin on them. "Because we shouldn't have to. This is about honor, Gray. She looked at us first. If we go over there, they have one up on us. We'll look foolish, desperate for their attention. They should come over and greet us instead."

"…That doesn't make much sense."

"Look who is talking. You're wearing two colognes."

"So are you, Adam."

"Because you sprayed me with a second one! Here I am attempting to readjust to social norms, and you go and make me smell like the spawn of Old Spice and Banana Sunrise!"

"I think it smells nice."

"That is not the point," Adam groaned, "This whole dinner is strange anyways. I am fairly sure two men do not go out to a restaurant known for romantic dates on behalf of binging the first three seasons of _'All My Faunus'_ in one day."

"It was a spontaneous decision."

"Nobody goes and makes $100 dinner reservations spontaneously!"

"They do too!" Gray pouted, nudging the waiter who had been standing beside them for the past minute and a half. "You agree with me, right?"

The mustached man rolled his eyes. He hated simpletons like this; they were worse than Tyrian at times. "It's like you think I care about your meaningless quarrel… But that's besides the point. My name is Watts and I will be your server for the night. Can I _please_ have your order?"

"I order you to side with me on this," Adam demanded, lifting a threatening finger.

"I should've stayed with Salem…" Watts grumbled under his breath before clearing his throat, "I'm sorry sir, but we serve food here. Not… whatever that just was."

"Then go away. Shoo. Let us finish talking."

"…Very well," Watts exasperated, walking off.

Gray watched him leave, having been enthralled by his moustache. "He had quite the facial hair, huh Adam?"

The former White Fang member ignored him, busy forming a plot in his head. "Call that waiter back. I have an idea…"

* * *

"Our waiter sure is taking a while to get here," Emerald commented, looking around the restaurant, "They don't seem too busy."

"Probably held up by some stubborn couple," Cinder replied. Just as she was going to call someone over, a familiar face stepped to their table. "Well, I'll be damned. Look who it is…"

"Hello… Cinder," Watts mumbled, avoiding eye contact with the girl he once put down daily. He could barely contain his rage as he saw Fall snickering at him and his new carrier choice. "Yes, yes. Laugh at my current predicament. But know that I shall rise up from the ashes and reclaim my former glory… after a couple dozen paychecks."

"What's wrong? Did Salem finally give up on you?"

"I'd rather not talk about Salem. Ever."

Emerald noticed a bottle sitting under his arm. "Is that wine for us?"

"Why, yes it is."

"Why would you of all people bring us a gift?

Watts gestured across the room to Adam's table. "Those two gentleman over there purchased it for you, not me you simpleton. They wanted you to know that it's our most expensive bottle… and that you probably couldn't afford it. Which I don't doubt."

A declaration of war. Cinder saw it as nothing less. If they wanted to try and ruin her date with Emerald, then by God she was going to do the same to them. "Alright, Adam Taurus. I'll play your game. And I'm going to-

"Cinder?" Emerald cocked her head, "You okay?"

"Don't worry, love. This'll be over soon."

* * *

"So I was thinking," Gray said, twiddling his thumbs, "How about you invite Miltia over tonight so we can watch Good Gun? I think she'd enjoy it. If you want her to move in eventually then she should get used to the kind of movies we watch together."

"I have been wanting to talk to you about that," Adam responded, "I am getting bored of watching films featuring nothing but shirtless oily bodybuilders wrestling each other and playing volleyball. The homoerotic overtones are too much for me."

"Appreciating the male body doesn't have to involve anything sexual. I mean, that's how I appreciate it but couldn't you just admire the hours of work they put into chiseling their bugling muscles?"

"…No."

A returning Watts spared Adam from continuing the conversation. "I'm going to assume you two aren't ready to order yet."

"Don't rush us," Adam snapped, before spotting a familiar wine bottle, "What are you doing with that? You were supposed to give it to Cinder."

"Oh, I did that. This is just another one that they wanted delivered to your table. And they paid _double the price_ for it."

"Well, that was nice of them!" Gray beamed, confused at Taurus's seething anger. "You should appreciate the gesture!"

"No!" Adam pounded the table, causing many heads to turn to the scene he was causing, "They trumped us! We need to claim victory!"

"This is ridiculous…" Watts said quietly, but still loud enough for his customer to hear.

"Silence, you! I'm thinking."

"Adam, please," Gray pleaded, "This night was supposed to be about us, not them. All you've been doing is plotting and scheming. You won't even look me in the eye when we talk about beefcakes anymore!"

"We have _never_ had a two-way conversation about bodybuilding men! I do my best to tune you out when you speak of glutes and abs and pecs!"

"I'm just going to go…" Watts interjected.

"Then be gone, you fool!" Adam barked, shooing the waiter away, "You contribute nothing to the war against Fall!"

A shrill ring interrupted the argument. With the restaurant falling quiet, Adam and Gray turned to see Cinder standing by her table, raising a glass of wine. "I'd like to make a toast tonight. For all those tonight with someone they care about, with someone they love. I'm here with the only person I would ever trust my life with, and I hope everyone else can say that about their own date. Even if they are a pair of imprudent Faunus who don't even know how to behave decently in public like two certain individuals causing a scene."

While the entire restaurant toasted, Adam's rage grew even greater. Gray looked at him with judging eyes from behind his sparkly mask. "Why don't you ever say nice things about me like that?"

"…Are you kidding me? You want me to say something nice? Fine!" Taurus stormed over to where the piano player sat, ripping a microphone meant for a singer from its stand. "Testing, testing… Can they hear me? Yeah, they can hear me."

"Oh, Christ," Cinder spat, glaring at Adam, "Maybe I shouldn't have retaliated at them, Emmy."

"Yeah, you probably shouldn't have. I didn't expect it to go this far."

"Do you just want to go back home?"

"Oh, hell no. He insulted you. He insulted us. You think I'm going to let that jerkoff talk crap about us? As soon as he gets off that mic I'm throwing this tomato at them. That'll teach him to screw with us."

"…You're so hot when you're angry."

"Please, Miss Fall," Watts commented from behind their table, "Act less like a tramp and more like a woman. If that's even possible."

"Shut your trap!" Emerald and Cinder snapped at him in unison.

Tapping on his mic, Adam cleared his throat. "I'd like to give a toast as well tonight. To someone in my life for who I wouldn't be here without. They are not a pitiful woman who doesn't know how to say hello, or her girlfriend who acts like a lovesick dog. They are the kind of person who would be there to stop you when you're just about to kill your ex-girlfriend, or when you just don't know how to pronounce full on rapist- I mean, _philanthropist._ And even when they barge into your room to grab their baby oil while you're trying to make love to your girlfriend, you know that they didn't just do it to get a look at your behind. You know that they meant well, and are just too dumb sometimes to understand..."

Taurus turned to Gray, remembering a song he heard on the drive here. _"Did you ever know that you're my hero...? That you are the wings beneath my…_ Shit. That's not how it goes. Dammit… That's it. I'm done."

Shuffling awkwardly off stage, Adam slid back into his seat, proud of himself. Gray applauded him happily. "That… That was so nice of you to say about them!"

"…About who?"

"Cinder and Emerald! What better way to apologize than giving a heartfelt speech?"

"About _them?!_ It was about _you!"_

"…Really?"

" _YES!_ I looked right at you and everything! Why would either of them have been there when I tried to make love to Miltia?!"

"Oh yeah. I guess that makes more sense."

Rubbing his temples, Adam was ready to give up. Leaving the house today in the first place was a mistake, let alone coming here. And the last thing he wanted to hear was that snippy, prideful waiter of his.

"What an… interesting speech," Watts smirked, reveling in Taurus's misery, "It seems that men get what they deserve in the- _BLOODY HELL!"_

The stuck-up waiter tumbled onto Adam's table, a mush of red splattered on the back of his head. Noticing the stem of a tomato, Adam and Gray gazed across the room to see Emerald standing in her chair, just about to take another tomato from Cinder. The two pairs glared at each other, and then at Watts throwing obscenities at all of them. _"God damn you! God damn you all to hell!"_

An eruption of joyous laughter followed.

"Nice throw, Emmy!" Gray complimented, "This bozo totally deserved it for being mean to Adam!"

"He was mean to Cinder too!" Em shrugged, chucking the other tomato at Watt's behind, "Deserves every last chunk." Cinder and Adam nodded at each other, declaring their war to be over.

"Would you like to join us at our home for a movie?" Taurus proposed, "I must warn you: it will contain multiple beefcakes."

Cinder sighed at her strange friend. "I suppose it would be a better way to spend my time than being here. Service here is just not what it is cracked up to be."


	88. EX 3: Playing with the Boys

**Some of the humor this chapter is a bit... racy, to put it bluntly.**

 **But hey, we've had tasteless jokes about shit and non-consensual sex before am I right?**

 **Nothing really new coming from my fucked sense of humor.**

* * *

The giant ocean liner sat at the edge of the dock, an imposing white and red giant preparing to embark on a nautical journey to Menagerie. Its passengers had varied reasons for embarking on the trip: vacation, political meetings, and – in this case – introducing one's boyfriend to the family.

"We're gonna miss you Blake!" Yang hugged her feline teammate tightly. Her sister Ruby and Weiss stood nearby with Sun, the latter still contemplating whether this visit to Blake's home was a good or terrible idea. She had told him only a bit about her father, but the parts about him being the former White Fang leader and also somewhat overprotective gave him a feeling Ghira Belladonna wouldn't care for him very much.

"We'll only be gone for a week," Blake said as Ruby let go, "Well, unless my Dad decides to send Sun back in a crate. Then he'll be here in about two business days."

Sun didn't like the sound of that. "I feel like this is going to be the second most awkward vacation ever.

"What was the first?" Weiss questioned.

"The time Neptune, Scarlet and I visited Sage's family before."

"What's wrong with his folks?" Yang asked; she didn't know much about the tall and dark member of Team SSSN, but from little she'd seen of him he seemed relatively normal. His family couldn't be much different, right?

"They're, um… a little particular about the people they like. _Very_ particular."

Yang and Weiss shared a confused look, the blonde scratching her head. "Do they hate Faunus or something?"

"Yeah… And blondes. And white people. Good thing you weren't there too, huh Yang?"

Silence. You could cut the uncomfortable air with a butter knife, I tell you.

"This is why I should stop asking questions," Yang sighed.

"And I thought my father was bad…" Weiss muttered, just as three newcomers walked onto the scene. The three young men were pulling suitcases and carrying luggage, with one holding a large bottle of medication in his hand.

"Okay," Neptune Vasilias said, presenting his bottle to Sun and the girls, "I've got enough cough syrup here to knock me out for at least 72 hours, some extra pills to assist with that, and a hammer for one of you to knock me out with in case I wake up while we're in the middle of the ocean. I can't believe I'm saying this, but let's get on that boat!"

"I bet you five lien he faints once he steps on the ramp," Sage Ayana said to Scarlet David from aside.

"I give him ten steps from it."

If things weren't already awkward, Sun thought to himself. He looked behind him to Blake, who shrugged. It was her way of telling him he had to break the news to the rest of his team. "Uh, guys. You do realize there's only room for two in our boat cabin, right?"

"Oh, thank God!" Neptune exclaimed, "Sage, Scarlet. It's all yours."

"No, not room for only two more people! I mean just for me and Blake." His teammates stood there with blank expressions, not getting the clue. "As in you three can't go with us."

"Hold up, hold up," Neptune held his palms out, "So here you are, telling us all about this trip, and we can't even go?"

"Yeah, but me telling you about it doesn't equal you inviting yourself to go along! And besides, it's not the first time I've ditched you guys for a boat ride."

"But we talked about this, Sun," Scarlet responded, "We were supposed to do everything as a team from now on."

Sun rolled his eyes. "Except things involving my girlfriend, like this trip. Look guys, when I come back we'll hang out and stuff, but right now this is something between just me and Blake. Is it that hard to understand?"

"…This is why we don't have girlfriends," Sage said with any hint of emotion, "Women tear brothers apart-"

"That and some of us are too nerdy to get one," Scarlet smirked, nudging Neptune.

" _Hey!_ Weiss is totally into me! I'm just not ready for the responsibility, you know?"

"I think someone's just-

" _You're the one who's afraid!"_

"I wasn't going to even say that, but seeing as you just did-

" _Scarlet, I'm going to-_

"Enough!" Sun shouted, silencing his crew, "Get over yourselves. It's only a week. Try not to kill each other fighting over stupid crap like this."

The monkey walked off, leaving SSN with their useless luggage at their feet. Pouting, Neptune kicked his over with a huff. "You know what? We don't need Sun to have fun! We can entertain ourselves without him!"

Ruby, Weiss, and Yang looked upon them with pity; both out of concern and for their collected idiocy. The former raised her hand, waving at them. "We'll hang out with you guys, if you want."

"Sorry, Ruby," Scarlet declined, "But you girls wouldn't enjoy the manly activities we do on a daily basis."

* * *

 **One day later.**

"Well, that's all of the kitten videos we could find," Scarlet sighed, leaning back on his chair. Neptune and Sage were kneeling by the sides of his desk, just as disappointed as their flamboyant teammate. Their dorm room was littered with trash and food crumbs, as well as the feathers that sat as a reminder of their intense, brutal pillow fight from the night before.

"Wanna watch them again?" Neptune asked.

Sage shook his head to decline. "No. I hate to admit it, but we really do need to find a temporary replacement for Sun."

"But how? Do we just walk up to people and say, _'Hey! Come replace our jerk friend who chose his girlfriend over us!'_ Because that sounds kind of pathetic."

"I've got it!" Scarlet clapped in a moment of genius. He opened up his document creator, cracking his knuckles, "I'll type up a flyer, and we can post it around and have guys come find us to be our friend."

"That… is genius!" Neptune grinned, him and Sage leaning in to watch him type, "Let's get started then!"

Sitting there hoping they would get the message, Scarlet groaned when they didn't budge. "Can you not breathe down my neck then? A writer needs his space."

"Oh, sorry there Mr. Pulitzer prize winner…" Sage retorted sarcastically, him and Neptune turning their backs to him. They sat there listening to his keys click, and a few minutes later Scarlet had a rough draft ready for them.

"Here it is," Scarlet said, presenting his work, "Now, it's just a start but I think if we read it out loud together we can make it even better."

"Alright then," Sage squinted at the screen to read the words aloud; he really wished he hadn't forgotten to put his contacts in today. "What up? We're just three cool guys looking for another cool guy to do manly things with us, like partying and going to the beach."

"…Sounds kind of gay, doesn't it?" Neptune noted, to which his teammates agreed.

"I'll put nothing sexual in it," Scarlet said, typing in the edit, "Just so they know for sure."

"Make sure it's in bold."

"Planned on it."

Silently agreeing with them, Sage continued reading. "Dudes with toned abs are recommended, so we can still feel connection with our jerk friend who ditched us for a girl while also fitting in with our muscular physiques. Being a Faunus is a plus, so we can tick it off the diversity checklist right beside..." Sage glared at Scarlet after finishing the line, _"Already having a black guy."_

"What? People these days love diversity! You're black, Sun was the Faunus, I'm pretty metrosexual if I do say so myself, and Neptune is the lovable nerdy guy. Ladies like a varied selection!"

"We are _not_ leaving that in."

"Think about it, Sage," Neptune attempted to justify, "Just… think about it. It's a work in progress."

"…Fine. But if we leave that in, then we have to put something bad in about Neptune."

" _Hey!"_ Neptune quickly objected, but was cut off by Scarlet.

"Okay, okay," Scarlet assured his offended teammate, "I'll put something about him being the weakest link, like his body can't handle a lot of the things we do or something."

"Can you put in the 'nothing sexual' line again? I just want them to know for certain."

"Put it in caps this time," Sage followed, Neptune's worries infecting him. After some more typing, Scarlet clicked enter and zoomed in on the text.

' _What up? We're just three cool guys looking for another cool guy to do manly things with us, like partying and going to the beach._ _ **Nothing sexual.**_ _Dudes with toned abs are recommended, so we can still feel connection with our jerk friend who ditched us for a girl while also fitting in with our muscular physiques. Being a Faunus is a plus. We can tick it off the diversity checklist right beside already having a black guy. One of us is a bit of a noodle however, and his body can't always handle a lot of our more intense activities. Again,_ _ **NOTHING SEXUAL.'**_

The three guys looked at each other, and all of them broke into a slow smile as they bathed in their own self-satisfaction.

"Okay, guys," Neptune winked, giving them a thumbs up, "Let's go find ourselves a new best friend."


	89. EX 4: Things Get Sexual

**PSA: I'm back at college now, so expect updates to slow down as I adjust to a new schedule.**

 **Also, Kali Belladonna is my new favorite MILF. Deal with it.**

* * *

About a day after posting their bicep-shaped flyers around town, Neptune, Sage and Scarlet had received two phone calls in response to their plea for a new best friend. In order to best determine who would take Sun's place (for about 4 days), the three planned to spend time with each of them at the same time to directly compare their personalities, physiques (gotta have those abs), and hobbies. Luckily enough, both were Faunus and thus kept their diversity levels at a stable degree.

Their new best friends' names were Gray and Tyrian.

* * *

"You know," the masked Faunus sighed happily, "I'm so glad that I could find me even more friends that appreciate abs as much as I do. It really tingles my biscuits."

Team SSN were walking behind Gray, keeping close as Tyrian walked uncomfortably close behind them. They were beginning to wonder if they should have done any background checks on the scorpion Faunus, because his constant crazed giggling was really putting them off even more so than Gray's flamboyant mannerisms. Tyrian's statement of desiring a new crew for committing debauchery seemed like a harmless joke at first, at least until they saw the dead bird drop out of his trench coat. They would have turned him down if not for the feeling he might gut them if they tried.

"You know what tingles _my_ biscuits?" Tyrian said, grinning widely, "There was this one time… Oh! It was a wonderful time! Yes, they felt every ounce of it, slowly fading away from the poison… _Hoo-hee_! Yes, oh yes, I can still taste them!"

"Scarlet, Sage," Neptune stammered, "I'm scared."

Waiting for Tyrian to lag behind due to laughter, Scarlet nodded in agreement. "Also, I feel like we didn't emphasize the 'nothing sexual' part. I mean, just _look_ at Gray."

"Maybe we shouldn't have made our flyer in the shape of a bicep," Sage said, "I think he was attracted to the phallic shape."

"Are you saying my flyer looks like a penis?" Neptune said accusingly, putting his hands on his hips, "Do you realize how hard it was to design that?"

Sage pulled out a spare flyer, showing him the abnormally long forearm and fist with text printed on it. "You can't tell me this doesn't look like-

" _Oh!"_ Gray shouted excitedly, stopping in front of a building. A big neon sign that said 'Gym-Jamboree' hung above the door. "We're here! Who's ready to get their pump on?"

The five males entered the gym, Gray leading the way. Neptune glanced around, taking in his surroundings and scanning for girls practicing their yoga. However, none were to be found; in fact, it was quite the opposite.

"Hey, guys…" Neptune asked warily as two immensely buff dudes walked by, "Is it me, or aren't there any girls in this gym?"

"There has to be," Scarlet said, also looking around and seeing nothing but shirtless men, "They're just… hiding behind these giant bodybuilders, I guess."

"We came here to get back in shape, not just to impress girls," Sage answered. He noticed Tyrian standing by an equipment rack stuffing small dumbbells and jump ropes into his trench coat for God knows what reason. "Honestly, that's probably the least of our worries. Tyrian is really starting to rub me the wrong way."

A loud double-clap caught SSN's attention. They spotted Gray standing by a pair of doors, hands on his hips as he waited patiently for his new bros to join him. "This way! The fun is in here!"

"Should we get Tyrian?" Scarlet asked Sage, jerking a thumb behind him at the thieving lunatic.

"…When we leave. I'd rather not be near him when he gets caught for looting."

"Yeah. The last thing I want is to get arrested. Do you know what guys in jail do to people like me?"

"Gee, thanks for _that_ visual."

The three approached Gray, the Faunus seemingly shaking from excitement. He handed them each a bottle with no label that was slimy to the touch. "Man, I'm glad I finally found some guys to do this with me! My best friend Adam refuses to come here with me. At least you three are open to trying new things."

"What exactly are we doing?" Neptune questioned, trying to pull his hand off the sticky bottle.

"This!" Gray pushed open the doors dramatically, stepping aside like a gameshow girl to present its contents like some kind of grand prize. Neptune, Scarlet, and Sage's jaws dropped in horrified shock as they spotted a room full of shining, muscular men – all wearing only the skimpiest of speedos – flexing and presenting their muscles. "We're gonna do these beefcakes a favor and grease them from head to toe! Gotta make those biceps pop!"

Yeah, this wasn't happening.

"Gray," Sage pinched his temple, shaking his head in disappointment, "Did you not read the flyer? We clearly stated this was a non-sexual thing. Multiple times. _IN BOLD."_

"Don't forget the underlining," Scarlet added from aside.

"Oh yeah, I did. But appreciating the male body doesn't have to be a sexual thing if you don't make it one."

"There's a difference between appreciating and greasing!" Neptune shrieked, his voice cracking.

Sage and Scarlet shared his frustration, but were doing a much better job at holding it in. The former realized that it was time to weasel them out of this predicament. "Okay, Gray. You go in there and grease up those guys. We'll get Tyrian, and we'll join you eventually. After we grab lunch down the street, that is."

"You better hurry," Gray said giddily, taking their bottles of baby oil away, "There might not be any dry guys left by then!"

The moment the doors closed on the beefcakes, SSN made a break for it. They nearly tripped over each other as they scurried like rats out of the males-only gym, barging out the door in a heap. "Tyrian! We're done here!"

"That was quick…" the scorpion muttered, crab-walking out of the store as he tried to hold all of his stolen goods within his coat. A dumbbell landed on his foot, and with a yelp he hooked it on his tail's stinger before running down the street after his new 'friends'.

* * *

The day eventually turned into night, and the now four-person gang was walking through the shadier side of town. Apparently Gray had been too preoccupied with his 'hobby' to try and find them (not that any of them minded), and SSN was ready to see what Tyrian had planned for them that could only be done at night. Sage was carrying a bag over his shoulder, full with Tyrian's stolen gym equipment and various other tools they had picked up at a home and garden store.

"Tell us this doesn't involve any half-naked men, Tyrian," Scarlet asked, exasperated, "I don't wanna go through that again."

"Oh no, my friend," Tyrian grinned, his eyes dilating, "You'll see- Ooh! Yes, a perfect specimen!"

The scorpion put his hand up to stop them, motioning for them to duck down behind a car. The three boys complied, and peeked over the side of the trunk to see just why they stopped.

"Why are we hiding?" Sage whispered, Tyrian quickly hushing him.

"Her," the older man pointed across the street at a woman that SSN instantly recognized.

"Glynda?" Scarlet scratched his head, confused as to why they were spying on the stern blonde professor, "What are we going to do to her? Is this like a prank or something?"

"You could call it that."

"Then what's up with all the tools we had to buy?"

"Well, it's simple. You three will walk up and distract her, then I'll come up from behind and, heh, while she's distracted I'll give her a nice stabbing! Oh-ho, it'll be wonderful!"

"Okay," Sage raised an eyebrow, "But what are we really going to do?"

Tyrian cocked his head. "I beg your pardon?"

"What are we actually going to do? We're not going to actually kill her."

"Huh? Oh, yes, I see… As long as we don't call it a murder, it isn't one! Good call! An excellent defense if the cops question us!"

Sage would have corrected him about his name if not for the possibility that Tyrian was about to murder someone. He beckoned Neptune and Scarlet to him, forming a tight team huddle just far enough from Tyrian so the scorpion could not hear their panicked whispering. "I am really starting to regret this whole flyer thing."

"Oh really!" Neptune hissed, "I knew we shouldn't have even done this to begin with!"

"Then why didn't you stop me yesterday?!" Scarlet snapped back, flicking Vasilias on the nose.

Sage attempted to keep the peace, putting himself between the two. "Stop, stop! Look, we gotta make a break for it again, before Tyrian – Goddammit, he's going after Glynda."

Turning around, the three saw Tyrian sprinting towards Goodwitch, his cackling immediately giving himself away. Glynda's face was one of apathy; after an entire day spent with Ozpin at a faculty meeting, she was not in the mood for this shit. She whipped out her riding crop in an instant and aimed it at the Faunus, freezing him mid-stride with her telekinesis without hesitation.

" _You're - ungh! – no fun!"_ Tyrian grunted, trying to break free of the psychic power as a large shadow descended over him, _"You'll regret this!"_

"I don't care," Glynda said with a deadpan expression as she slowly hovered the car SSN had been hiding behind directly over Tyrian. She spotted the boys and rolled her eyes. "The things I put up with… I swear, you're just as insufferable as Ozpin sometimes."

" _You bitch!"_ A rabid Tyrian was completely unaware that she was not speaking to him. "I'll make _you_ suff-

 _ ***K-KRCH!***_

A single tire bounced away from the wreckage of the car that had just crashed down on Tyrian like the insect he was. His twitching tail poked out from underneath a door; he was alive, but wouldn't be moving for a long while. The three boys felt Glynda's gaze pierce them like a knife the moment she took her attention from the wreckage.

"Are we in trouble?" Neptune asked the obvious.

"Oh, I don't know," Glynda said sarcastically, a sign she was near snapping, "Does a Nevermore have wings?"

"…I think we're in trouble."

* * *

After a week spent fearing for his life, Sun was finally glad to be out of Ghira Belladonna's sight. Okay, maybe the giant of a Faunus didn't actually want to kill him, but the monkey knew that the former leader of the White Fang would have found no greater joy than to stuff him in a barrel and ship him back to Vale. Accidentally mentioning that he had gotten to know Blake on a physical level during that night camping probably wasn't the best thing to let slip during a dinner conversation.

At least her mom was nice. And kind of a MILF, too. It was a good thing Blake inherited her Kali's looks and not her dad's chest hair.

The moment he had touched foot on solid ground, he saw Ruby, Weiss, and Yang waiting for him and Blake. After all the usual reuniting greetings were exchanged, Sun asked where the rest of his team was at. Yang told him that he should probably go pay a visit to Miss Goodwitch for the answer. That right there was the first bad sign; the other was when Glynda told him to make sure he had some extra money to pay bail for three people before explaining to him in full detail just what SSN had done while he was away.

"One week," Sun groaned as he stood in the local police station, shaking his head at his teammates stuck together behind bars, "I'm gone for one week, and you manage to get yourself involved with a serial killer and Adam's BFF."

"In all honesty," Scarlet clarified, "We didn't realize he was one until-

Wukong held out his hand to stop him. "No… No. I don't even want to hear it."

"At least we managed to get him arrested and locked up for good in a mental institution in Vacuo!" Neptune said, trying to make things seem better than they were, "So, in a way, we did a good thing! Right?"

"Can you just get us out of here, Sun?" Sage pleaded, "We promise we won't do this again. We just missed you, that's all. Clearly it shows that we need you to keep us in line."

Pondering it for a moment, Sun looked to the security guard behind the front desk. "How long will they be in here for?"

"Hmph," the guard looked on his scroll, "About three more days if nobody pays bail."

"…Yeah, that sounds good," Sun shrugged, walking to the door. His teammates stood gripping the bars, their jaws dropped.

" _HOLD UP!"_ they shouted in unison, _"DON'T LEAVE US!"_

"Oh, don't worry," Sun smirked as he walked out, "I'll make a call to your other new friend who would love to pay the money to get you out. And I'm sure he has more than enough baby oil for all of you to grease up some beefcakes again."


	90. EX 5: Ozpin and Qrow Die

Of all the places for a supposed high-class headmaster of a prestigious Huntsman Academy to be, sitting in a filthy bar in the slums of Vale at 1 AM would be the last spot anyone would guess to find him. With his arm tucked in a cast, he sat in a dark corner sipping coffee from a wine glass as he waited for the man he had called to meet him here for an important matter. In any other circumstance, the man would turn down a rendezvous with him; the temptation of a free drink was perfect bait for the alcoholic bird.

"This better be good, Oz," Qrow Branwen rasped, sliding into the empty seat across from Ozpin, "I've got a hot piece of Schnee ass waiting for me I'd really like to return too."

"I see your relationship with Winter is going well."

"Relationship? Heh. More of a friends with benefits thing, honestly. There's no way in Hell I'd commit myself to a life with her. She's an angry bitch, but that does have certain benefits if you know what I mean."

"Quite," Ozpin nodded, "So, you are probably wondering why I called you here to this… lovely establishment." The adjective couldn't have been more inappropriate, as a man hurled a smaller man across two tables and crashed into a wall.

"I want my free drinks."

"About that. I may have stretched the truth- Please, don't leave."

Qrow rolled his eyes as he stood half out of his chair. "You do realize that whatever plan you want to go along with will fail, right? My Semblance was probably to blame for all the bad luck we had back in the RV six months ago."

"I like to believe those were just coincidences."

"My Semblance is just coincidences, Oz. Millions of them. All of them shitty. How are you not understanding this?" For a second Qrow thought Ozpin's brief pause was actually him thinking something through for once. But then he realized that was more likely to happen than his sister Raven coming over to Taiyang's house for the holidays. "Okay… Just tell me why I'm here."

"I want you to kill me."

"…Bullet or scythe? Your choice."

"But at the same time, I do not wish for you to kill me," Oz raised a finger to clarify, "For this to work, I must continue to live."

Now Qrow was the one not getting the point. "…Are you saying that you wanna fake your death?"

"That sounds correct, yes."

"Does this have to do with Jimmy?" Qrow asked, referring to the Atlas General.

"The debt I owed to him have proven to be much greater than I had once presumed. The amount of lien I have managed to accumulate is nowhere near the final total."

"How much do you owe?"

"Taking in how much I siphoned from his bank account, the lost donations I owed him, the extra charges for defamation of character and the discount he took off for being allowed to break my arm in 7 locations… At least 20 million."

"…Goddamn, you're fucked," Qrow put it bluntly, "How much do you already have?"

"About twenty."

"Twenty what? Hundred? Thousand?"

"Just twenty."

"…Only twenty lien?"

"That's correct, yes."

"In six months, you only earned about the same as a kid's monthly allowance?" Ozpin nodded as if there was nothing pathetic about it at all. "Yeah, I'm starting to understand why you would want to die now. Your life is that pathetic."

"In all fairness, I did attempt to pay James back. I grew bored with the effort I had to put into it, that's all. Once Glynda caught me trying to borrow from student accounts I realized there was no other option but this."

Qrow wasn't even going to touch on that one. "Then why call me in the first place? Can't fake your death on your own?"

"I don't want to die alone. If there is someone with me when I die it will appear more believable. Especially if it's you."

"And why's that?"

"Well, I presumed we would present it as you – in a drunken state – crashing our car into a wall in a violent explosion. The press would believe it, as the entire world recognizes you as the most alcohol dependent individual in all of Remnant."

"I'd say being proud of that title would be in bad taste, but hell I'll accept it. If I'm dead to the world there won't be anyone to judge me for it."

"So you want to do this?"

"Yeah, sure… After I down a couple hits of vodka. Gotta make this thing believable."

* * *

Nine bottles later (and working on his tenth), Qrow found himself standing in an empty parking lot waiting for Ozpin to arrive with their doomed vehicle. A pair of headlights illuminated his back, and behind him he saw the soon to be 'dead man' pulling up in a small smart car. Downing his last bottle with a burp, Qrow dropped it on the concrete letting it shatter into pieces.

"You couldn't have picked a cooler looking car than this?" Qrow pounded his fist on the tiny vehicle's window.

"I chose practicality over design," Ozpin said, "The rate of surviving accidents in small cars like this are much slimmer than a standard vehicle. That, and it was the only unlocked one I could find."

"So it's stolen. Nice. We're dyin' with a criminal record."

The two got in the smart car, Qrow behind the driver seat snapping his sea tbelt in. Reaching into his jacket, Ozpin pulled out a pair of pliers and handed them to Qrow. The drunk did not take them, instead staring at them in confusion. "What're these for?"

"To make our deaths more convincing, I concluded that we should leave behind some bodily evidence. Would you please remove a few of my back molars, Mr. Branwen?"

"…Are you serious?"

"Incredibly serious."

Qrow was going to abide even if he wasn't stupidly drunk right now He took the tools as Ozpin opened his mouth. "This is going to hurt, you know."

"Ah-uh," Ozpin nodded, mouth wide open as he held up three fingers.

"Countdown? All right," Qrow made sure he had grip on a tooth, _"Three… two...! ONE-_ Huh. Well, shit." He stared at the coffee stained tooth held between the pliers, having barely made any effort to pull it out. "That just kind of came out. Do you even brush your teeth?"

"Occasionally," Ozpin reached into his mouth, pulling out another, "Oh, dear."

"Stop, stop! That's disgusting!" Qrow stared forward to avoid looking at Ozpin anymore, "Let's just get this done with."

"Very well. Now, hit the gas and drive straight towards that wall in front of us. Don't forget to jump out at the last moment."

"Obviously- _Hey, hey!"_ Qrow snapped, quickly grabbing hold of Ozpin's jacket as he started o get out of the car, "What the hell are you doing?!"

"…Getting out of the car."

"No shit, but why?!"

"I figured, since I already lost quite a few teeth and have a broken arm that I should not risk any more bodily harm. And also since nobody is actually going to see this happen-

"I am not doing this by myself!"

"You will do an excellent job, Mr. Branwen," Ozpin tossed his teeth into the backseat before escaping Qrow's grip. Qrow glared at him in the rear view mirror, the Headmaster giving him an encouraging thumbs up. The urge to back up into him was incredibly tempting.

"Pussy…" Qrow mumbled, revving the engine. He took a deep breath before slamming down on the accelerator. He figured that he would jump out about, say, two seconds from impact…

Then he felt the seat belt tugging at his shoulders.

" _SHIT-SHIT-SHIT-_

 ** _*CRA-CRNCH!*_**

Ozpin stood by calmly as he watched the smart car beeline towards the brick wall. He didn't even flinch at the sound of the crashing impact, watching unblinking as the front window shattered and doors popped open. Taking a drink from his mug, he waved at a staggering Branwen, crawling out of the wreckage on his hands and knees.

"Ughn…!" Qrow gripped his ribs, disoriented both from the collision and the Bacardi in his stomach, "Son of a bitch…!"

"Excellent work, Mr. Branwen. Very convincing."

" _I think I broke something!"_

"Ah, staying in character I see," Ozpin hoisted Qrow up, helping the bruised Hunstman stumble away from the scene of their 'death', "Do not worry Qrow. We shall be remembered fondly. I am sure you will appreciate the tombstone I picked out for you."


	91. EX 6: Funeral Funtime

Ozpin had been banking on a heavy downpour of rain to occur upon the day of his 'funeral'; such a dreary weather condition would surely bring out more sadness for those coming to mourn him and Qrow. He wanted to make sure he was being mourned to the fullest extent possible, and to see the pain in Ironwood's eyes knowing he would never receive his just payment.

Unfortunately, the sun decided to shine its brightest today, casting cheerful rays down upon him and Qrow's tombstones. The pair had been dead for about two days, enough time for an obituary to be posted in the local paper, yet the amount of people who had come to wish him off was relatively thin. On the contrary, most of the 10 attendees seemed to be there for his partner in crime.

"They are going to see us," Qrow whispered to Oz, pushing leaves away from his eyes as they sat tucked behind a hedge, "Anyone walks behind this, they're going to see us."

"We need a close view, Mr. Branwen," Ozpin said, "This has to be done right."

"Who cares how they talk about us? We're supposed to be dead!" Branwen quickly lowered his voice when he saw his niece Ruby in the front row turn to look in their direction, having heard his voice. "Shit. I think she saw me."

"That is not a problem. She and Miss Xiao Long are on our side."

"…What? What are you talking about?"

"I couldn't bear to see those two girls in distress over your passing, so I made a quick phone call prior to our death to let them know our situation. They are only here to make this look official."

Qrow pinched his brow, ready to smack the dumbass. "You are literally retarded. They're going to tell everyone we're not dead!"

"I beg to differ. A promise of payment will surely keep them from spilling the beans, as they say."

"Money you don't even have! If they don't get paid, they'll rat us out! Did you even think of that?!" No response from the Headmaster, who was too busy focusing on a very pissed off Ironwood in the very back row. Winter Schnee sat with him, dressed in black with a veil over her face. To see her actually in grief over him pulled at Qrow's heart just a bit. Maybe his nieces ratting them out might not be such a bad thing after all.

A priest stepped forward and took his place at a pew beside the men's graves, a portable projector screen placed directly beside them. He cleared his throat and pulled out a manila envelope with a video cassette in it, passing it to Penny Polendina. "Load this please, my child."

"I will do my best!" the chipper robo-girl saluted, running over to the projector table as the priest prepared to speak to the attendees.

"What's up with the video?" Qrow asked Oz.

"Just something I left behind in my office in case this situation ever occurred."

"Friends, loved ones," the priest declared, "Before we come to speak of the deceased, it was upon the wishes of Ozpin that this video package be shown prior to his body being lowered into the earth so that it could be buried with him. However, since we were unfortunate to not have all of him with us here today, it shall be shown then given to his 'second best friend' James Ironwood, as stated on his will." That last bit pushed James just a little more towards the edge of snapping. "My child, if you will."

Penny pressed the play button, and immediately a picture of a shirtless Ozpin holding a coffee cup (complete with a photo-shopped six pack) appeared on screen. Most of the attendees began to awkwardly shuffle in their seats as similar pictures of hunk Ozpin cycled through as the chorus of "Wanted Dead or Alive" played in the background.

"Jesus Christ, Oz…" Branwen groaned, shaking his head at the ridiculousness of it all, "I expected something like this out of that Mercury kid, not you."

"Do not worry. You are in it as well."

"Please no."

Just as he objected, a collage of pictures featuring a passed out and wasted Qrow popped on screen, with the words 'My Best Friend' just below them. Taiyang could barely keep himself from bursting out in laughter, Yang and Ruby struggling to as well. The montage finally ended on an image of Ozpin with 'Only the Good Die Young' pasted above it.

"Well," the priest said, very confusingly, "That… That was certainly unique. I guess now is the time for anyone to say some final words farewell. Who would like to go first?"

"I shall."

A stranger stood up in the back row, raising her hand. She was clearly disguising her voice from behind her black and red masquerade mask; such a high pitch did not match the intimidating feeling her sheathed sword gave off.

"Holy shit, she actually came," Qrow said in disbelief, shocked his usually cold sister would come to say some words about him.

"Who's that?" Ruby whispered to Yang, who stared blankly at her mother with an unimpressed expression.

"I don't know," her father replied instead, fooled completely by his ex's disguise in a (very inappropriate) white dress, "But she sure is a babe!"

"Shut it, Tai!" Raven snapped viciously. Her bitterness shocked the attendees into silence; not that she minded nobody talking over her eulogy. "When I had heard of the passing of Qrow Branwen, at first I was slightly saddened. But then, not too long after, I had realized that I had won. If he was truly as strong as he appeared, he would have survived being crushed between metal and brick at high speed. My body would haven't even been scratched. It is evident that I am and always was the superior warrior, and I cannot wait to tell him that when I meet him in the afterlife decades from now. That is all."

With a swoosh of her dress, Raven vanished from the pew as she flew off in the guise of a bird. Nobody was really sure how to take any of what she had said; it was more of an insult than words of endearment. Ozpin wasn't bothered by that, however.

"Did you notice she didn't say anything about me?"

"Yup," Qrow answered immediately, "She probably didn't even see your grave, let alone care that you were dead. She's pretty cold like that sometimes."

"…He's staring at me."

"What?"

"Look," Ozpin lifted a finger and directed it at the precious black and white pupper on Ruby's lap, "Zwei knows the truth. It is in his eyes."

"No shit, he's a dog. He could probably smell the booze in my breath from miles away.

Next up to the pew was Professor Oobleck, who (for possibly the first time in years) looked downright exhausted. His suit was ripped and stained with sweat, the man himself breathing heavily. He had to catch his breath multiple times before even attempting to speak. "I apologize for… my appearance. My car was stolen two days ago, and I was forced to run here on foot… Which is something a pack of stray Beowolfs found particularly interesting, if you couldn't tell by the claw marks."

"I knew that car you stole looked familiar," Qrow hissed at Oz, recalling having used it as a getaway vehicle in their grocery store robbery stunt.

"For someone concerned for driving safety measure, Bart should have known to lock his door."

Oobleck's speech was brief, and it mostly revolved around how Qrow and Ozpin had gotten him a criminal record and also how he had not received a teaching paycheck in six months. Similar eulogies followed; Taiyang basically called Qrow his favorite asshole, Ruby and Yang whipped out some fake tears to make their improvised speech convincing, and Glynda seemed more excited about being able to take Ozpin's position as Headmaster than she should be in this situation. The whole time, Qrow began to realize just how shitty Ozpin (and himself, to an extent) had made people's lives turn out.

"Hey, Qrow."

"Yeah, Oz?"

"I do not approve of how they are mourning me."

"What did you expect? You're not exactly the easiest guy to say nice things about, especially with the crap you've pulled off."

"I feel like I should say something."

"You're supposed to be dead! Do you even think through the things you say before you say them?"

"…A rhetorical statement, my comrade."

"That made literally no sense."

"Quite."

And then the time had finally come for Ironwood to speak. Winter stood up before him, and had to pull on his jacket to make the adamant general budge. "Sir… It won't take long."

"No."

"Just stand up. The sooner you do it, the quicker it will be done with."

Groaning, James trudged behind Winter to the men's graves. He let his soldier go first, as her words were probably going to be much kinder than his. Winter pulled a note out from her dress, sniffing before reading it aloud. "When I first met Qrow Branwen, he was the opposite of everything I ever thought a man should be. He was arrogant, brash, and all around unpleasant. But… I came to grow very fond of him for some reason. Perhaps it is when I think of just why I joined the Atlas military do I realize that we were much more similar than I ever thought. He lived life on his own path, in a way just like how I took my own path away from my family lineage. Or perhaps it was because of something as simple as his looks." She let out a small laugh, but that led into her eyes beginning to glisten with tears. "Whichever reason, it doesn't matter now. I've fallen asleep the last two nights knowing I did not ever treat him the way I wished I had. And now I… I won't be able to tell him the things I should have. And that hurts more than anything else…"

It was nearly too much for Winter, her body trembling as she stepped away from the pew for Ironwood to take her place. Ozpin sighed, only because Schnee did not once even acknowledge him in her eulogy; she could at least have mentioned that he was Qrow's best friend. "I really am beginning to dislike this funeral, Mr. Branwen."

" _S-shut up."_

"…Are you crying?"

" _I said shut up, Oz!"_

Deciding it was best to let Qrow deal with his emotional turmoil on his own, Ozpin clasped his hands together anxiously as Ironwood prepared to speak. He had already gained twisted satisfaction out of just seeing Ironwood sit in silent fury; to hear it in his voice would be even better. Ozpin could not imagine any better form of payback from having his bones broken than seeing James lose his composure like this.

"I think there is one thing we can agree on here today," James began, hands held behind his back, "And it is that a tragedy has occurred. Two men have lost their lives, and it has affected us all in different ways. Some are heartbroken, others confused… and then there is me. I, a man who has lost so much to one of these deceased men over the past months, and a man will go to his grave with a smile on his face knowing that he outlived such a weasel of a human being."

It was beginning to feel more like a disturbing roast than a funeral to pretty much everyone right now.

"But, at the same time I can say that I am troubled by the death of poor, poor Ozpin. Not because of the debts he still owes me, nor the endless hours of stress he inflicted upon my life. No, it is because I never had the opportunity to make him bend over backwards, pucker his coffee stained lips, and kiss my shiny metal ass while begging for me not to rip out his goddamn spine from his body. If he can hear me from beyond the grave, I just want to tell him he is lucky: the fires of Hell do not nearly hurt as much as my fists do." James reached for his holster, removing his colt and loading a single bullet. "And now, a one-gun salute. This bullet was for you, Ozpin. Amen."

Apparently Ironwood's trigger finger was a little too excited, as he accidentally fired his gun into a nearby bush by mistake. There are no words that can accurately describe his fury when he heard an all too familiar shriek come from the bush, with a wounded Ozpin and Qrow tumbling out of the leaves before everyone.

"What the hell…?" Taiyang breathed, shock quickly turning to infuriation as was the case with most of the attendees. A baffled Winter wasn't sure what to do; the decision to embrace Qrow or stab him for this act of deception was a hard one. Ruby and Yang tried their best to act surprised, while Zwei seemed to be the only one genuinely happy to see the men.

"Ah, shit…" Qrow chuckled nervously, looking over the angry faces aimed at him and Oz, "Would you believe us if we told you we were ghosts or whatever?"

"Excellent tactic, Mr. Branwen-

"Shut your mouth if you know what's good for us, Oz."

An eruption of laughter came from Ironwood, the general clapping in joy as he strode over to the two (most likely soon to be) dead men. You wouldn't be able to erase the grin of sadistic glee from his face no matter how hard you tried. "This… This is just perfect! Faking your deaths? I'm not even surprised!"

"Now, James," Ozpin winced as he grabbed his wounded arm, "There is a rational explanation-

"I don't care."

"But-

"No," Ironwood looked at Winter as he jerked a thumb at Qrow, "I will let you punish him however you see fit."

"Yes, sir," Winter strode over to Qrow as Glynda and Oobleck joined the general in circling Ozpin for what was to be one of the most well-deserved beatings of the century. Fearing the worst, the drunk began to scramble away on his hands and knees, but Winter's sword pierced right through his cape to catch him. To his surprise, he felt her arms embrace him and not a flurry of fists and slaps.

"So, uh…" Qrow patted Winter on the back, attempting to make peace, "This mean I'm not in trouble?"

"Oh, no. Do you know what today is?"

"…Should I?"

Schnee grinned darkly as she whispered in his ear. _"Happy International Women's Day."_

"…Please, no. Anything but _that."_

"Oh, yes," Winter slapped Qrow's ass, digging her nails into his pants, "I hope you'll enjoy that birthday gift you got me just as much as I do~!"

As their uncle began quivering in fear of rectal pain and Ozpin felt the sting of Glynda's heels and James' metal fists, Ruby and Yang stood by Penny as their agitated father left to fetch their ride home.

"I do not understand," Penny said, holding Zwei under her arm, "What is this holiday Winter speaks of, and why is Qrow crying?"

"I'll tell you when you're older," Yang sighed.

"But I don't age-

"I know."

"So Yang," Ruby said, rocking back and forth on her heels "Are we still getting paid?"

"I doubt it."

' _BARK!'_

"You said it, Zwei. You said it…"


	92. EX 7: Moving Forward with the Past

**If any characters die in the Vol. 4 finale, I promise you they will get a chapter focused all on them.**

 **Until then, here's this.**

* * *

There was something about midnight releases, the stationary thrill of waiting in line with dozens of other people for the same thing that Neopolitan had always found enticing. Having been on the wrong side of the law for most of her life, she really never had the opportunity to do something like this; rather, her and Roman would just go in through the back door and steal it for themselves without any hassle. With their time spent on Big Brother: Ozpin, they managed to have most of their criminal record smudged away (in return for community service on the weekends) and could finally try to readjust to everyday life.

However, one of them was having a bit more difficulty changing lifestyles than the other.

"This guy in front of us smells like pizza rolls," Roman murmured in Neo's ear. The ex-crime lord had been standing with his hands in his pockets for hours, patiently waiting with his partner for the release of _Chinpocketmon: Solar and Lunar Versions_ outside of the biggest video game dealerships in Vale. In an attempt to hide his identity from any former passing colleagues who may pass by (and mock him for his somewhat geeky pastime), he had put on a navy blue hoodie and baseball cap to conceal his face. Neo was less worried about being noticed, and was cosplaying as a Chinpocketmon trainer, complete with a Monster Ball baseball cap, blue and white vest, and Uchakip plushie at her side.

Neo poked Roman in the stomach, telling him to stop complaining.

"Alright, alright," Roman rolled his eyes, "Just wish this line could move a tiny bit faster."

Neo tapped on her watch with a finger.

"Yes, patience is a virtue… Not one I'm particularly fond of, though. You sure you don't want to make one more backdoor bust, for old time's sake?"

She nodded her head no almost immediately.

"…How much longer then?"

Neo held up two fingers.

"Two hours. Great." He peered over the heads of the roughly eighty people ahead of them. With all those people needing to buy the games before them, it would add at least another hour to their wait. And if any of them were suckered into signing up for a Membership Rewards card… It was times like this he really wished he hadn't forgot his cigars back at their apartment.

If Neo wasn't here, he would probably be in the back of a police van now for punching the stinky neckbeard in front of them. He could still smell his pepperoni scented breath, and wished the guy's mother had taught him how to breathe through his nose. Why did there always have to be one of these people at these kinds of events? Everyone else was just relatively normal looking, but here was this guy decked in a stained hoodie that couldn't even cover the lower half of his exposed gut.

Worse yet, he was fairly certain the guy was taking glances at Neo. His partner wasn't the most modest of people when it came to cosplay, and made sure her 'puppies' were pushed up by her vest just enough to show off. While Roman didn't mind most people looking at her (if only to bask in their envy of him for having her), this guy was a bit too much on the creeper spectrum for him to let it slide. He knew very well that Neo could defend herself, but he'd be damned not to stand up and tell the guy off himself.

Roman looked down at Neo, who had pulled out her GameGirl to pass the time. As she pulled up her Chinpocketmon team menu, the neckbeard turned around at the sound of her Uchakip's cry. "Pardon me, m'lady. Is that an Uchakip I hear?"

Scrunching her nose at the overwhelming scent of pizza, Neo nodded and showed the guy her team. Roman watched him carefully, noticing he was looking past her GameGirl and right at her chest.

"Mhm, nice stuff, nice stuff," the guy nodded, "Though that Uchakip is a fairly weak link in your lineup… The name is Plaid. Plaid Q. Urkel. Pleasure to make the acquaintance of such a dashing lady like yourself." He reached out for her hand to kiss it, but Roman wasn't going to let that slide.

"Nice to meet you too, Romeo," he lied, stepping in between them, "I take it you're a hit with the ladies, huh?"

"Y-yes," Plaid lied, stammering as he tried to think up something clever, "I only am the best Chinpocketmon player in all of Vale. The girls swarm to me after my grand victories. I could show your lovely friend here my skill, if she would like."

"Sorry, but I doubt you're better than her," Roman boasted, jerking a thumb at Neo ho was too busy focusing on her game to care, "My Neo managed to beat her rival Yang, who was far more experienced at competitive battling at the time mind you, after only a month of practice _while_ using that Uchakip you think is a 'weak link'. So, do you really want to try your luck?"

Apparently Roman was more intimidating than he assumed he was, as Plaid was sweating like a roasted pig. "N-n-no! Not tonight, I mean! Just, well, I don't seem to be in the exact state of mind for battle right now. It is a very, very specific mentality I have to be in, you see."

"…Uh-huh," Roman said, "Whatever buddy. You do you."

With Plaid turning back around in a flash, Roman sighed and looked to Neo. She shrugged, her show of indifference to the whole situation.

"Yeah, figured you'd say that. Just looking after you, that's all."

She glared at him, raising an eyebrow.

"I know you can look after yourself, Buttercup. You don't need to tell me. People like him just piss me off. If we weren't trying to change, I'd take Melodic Cudgel and-

Neo hopped up and bopped him on the forehead with her palm, trying to knock the thoughts of violence from his head.

"Ow! I was kidding! Jeez, it's like you completely forgot how we used to be…"

Biting her lip, Neo turned her GameGirl off and made some sign language at Roman. It was dark out, but he could easily read her hands.

"You might want to forget, but it isn't that easy. We can't just erase it. Our pals know what we were, and they're fine with it. Leaving it all behind is leaving behind a lot of things I really don't want to forget. You know what I mean, right?"

Of course she did.

It was the day she first felt alive, like her life had meaning. Those alleyways and sewers she used to traverse for nearly her whole life had led her to an underground slave ring, where the head honcho thought she would be a perfect sell to a drug dealer way out in Mistral. Someone small like her could easily be stuffed in a crate, he said. She had tried to run, taking them on a wild chase through the slums of Vale, but they easily caught up to her when she tried to escape into a local bar. She was surrounded, thinking that it was better to take her own life than suffer through what awaited her…

Until Roman stepped in.

She had pinned herself to the bar counter, hunkered down under the stools to avoid the men who wanted to steal her away. The young Roman had been sitting just beside her, his orange hair standing out in the murky, smoke filled room as he huffed on a cigar. His hair hadn't grown over his one eye yet, and he was lacking his signature eyeliner. He had looked down at her from atop his stool, seeing the fearful tears in her eyes as her as her assaulters closed in like wolves. He had handed her his cigar with a wink, putting his bowler cap on her head as he took hold of Melodic Cudgel and beat the hell out of the men. After he was done, she took his hand and walked out with him, never looking back.

Roman was right. To forget her past was to forget the most important thing that ever happened to her.

* * *

Two hours went by like nothing after that. Roman had taken his own shot at Neo's team to kill some time, but realized he had trained her too well: she had easily swept him under the rug, 6-0. His countless rematches didn't go any better, and he admitted defeat just as the crowd at the front of the line erupted in cheers. Neo's eyes lit up, and Torchwick would be lying if he said he wasn't a bit giddy too. Any Chinpocketmon fan has the right to freak out at being able to earn the newest pair of games.

"Took long enough," Roman grinned, putting his arm around Neo's shoulders, "Let's go-

" _MOOOVE!"_

Like an Ursa Major plowing through poorly trained Huntsman, Plaid took off at breakneck speed in front of them, steamrolling through customers in front of him like they were twigs. Before anyone could realize just what had happened, the man was inside the store at the front desk.

"Didn't expect big boy's Semblance to be super speed," Roman shrugged, stepping over fallen customers, "Come on, Neo. Let's get the games and go home."

Several dozens of toppled people later, and the duo finally stepped foot in the game dealership. Plaid was panting as he leaned over the front counter, a shit-eating grin on his face as he stared down the employees at the registers.

"Sir!" one of the workers pleaded, "You can't do that!"

"Oh yes I can," Plaid said, "My father is in charge of all the stores in this district! If I told him that you all disrespected his son, you're all out of a job! So give me what I want!"

Roman and Neo didn't like the sound of that. They approached the big man-child, tapping him on the back to catch his attention. "Hey there, buddy. What's going on here?"

"Heh-heh," Plaid laughed nervously, still intimidated by Roman, "I'm making cash here! I'm buying every copy of _Solar and Lunar Versions_ with my father's credit card to sell them on C-Bay for double the price! Its genius!"

"It's a dick move," Roman glared, Neo imitating him. Sure, he could see the profitability in Plaid's motives, and hell he would have done the same a few months ago. But not now. With Neo trying so hard to change, dammit he would too. "All of those people and us have been waiting hours for these games, and here you go and just force yourself up here to do this?"

Plaid gave him a twisted smile, looking at Neo beside him. "If you want a copy so bad, I'll give you one for free… If you let your girl kiss me."

Neo clenched her jaw, doing her best to not lunge and bite his face off. Fortunately, Roman was there to part her on the head with reassurance. He winked, a peculiar gleam in his eye, one that Neo recognized right away.

It had been a while since he had to use his power. Back then it made his job too easy. Too many simple minds to influence, too many smart ones to fail against. Life without using a Semblance was much more fun. But times like this… Hell, they were perfect.

Roman put his hand on Plaid's shoulder, looking him straight in the eye. The sleazebag felt a strange sensation come over him as a tint of orange filled his irises. Roman's voice sounded very drawn out and low, like… he was being hypnotized…

"You're going to buy us the video games," Roman said, waving his hand past Plaid's face.

" _I'll… buy you the video games."_

"You're going to buy them for everyone outside too."

" _For… everyone outside too…"_

"You're going to go home and stick pepperoni up your nose," Roman was having too much fun with it now. Neo giggled from behind him; she missed seeing his tricks on the weak minded. "And you're going to do all of this right now."

" _Okay…"_

Moving stiffly, Plaid put his credit card on the counter. _"I would like… to buy all the copies… for everyone…"_

It was a demand the cashiers were more than happy to fulfill.

* * *

The two ex-criminals snuck away from the cheering crowd of fans, all shocked and overjoyed that they had gotten free $40 games. None of them were aware of just what had brought this token of charity down on them, but they weren't complaining. Neo and Roman walked down the moonlit street, both playing their new games as they made their way home.

"You know," Roman said as he picked his starter, reflecting on his good deed, "I think I know why Little Red wanted to be the hero now."

Neo smiled, leaning into his side as they stepped under a street lamp. She slipped under his arm, reaching up to take his hat and wear it herself, just like she did on that fateful day. _"…You always did…"_


	93. EX 8: Lightish Red Roses

Ah, Valentine's Day. The one holiday you either love with an undying passion or loathe to death. Having a partner (or lack thereof) will probably make it easy to decide which side of the spectrum you are on. In some cases, there are people who just enjoy the celebration of any holiday in general. Getting caught up in the festivities of handing out those little Valentine's cards with candies tacked on was fun in its own right, and didn't really come with any romantic strings attached. For someone like Ruby Rose, it was a perfect little gesture to show her friends she cared.

"Happy Valentine's Day, Coco!" Ruby smiled as she approached Team CFVY's table in the cafeteria, handing the fashionista a heart shaped card with a bee on it. She proceeded to give one to the rest of the team as well.

"Thanks, Rubes," the team leader smiled, reading the message inside. 'Bee my Valentine!' was a pun Coco expected out of Rose's sister. "But don't you think you're a little, well, old for this?"

"I think it's cute!" Velvet defended, popping her piece of candy into her mouth, "Everyone should be shown that someone cares about the today."

"Did you send anything to Mercury?" Ruby asked her, zipping up her parcel of Valentines. The rabbit sighed, ears drooping.

"Yes, but I'm not sure if he received it in time. He hasn't contacted me in a few days… I hope he's okay."

Yatsuhashi grunted, pounding his fist into his hand. "If we find out he is playing you, Velvet, you know we won't stand for that." Scarlet nodded in silent agreement, munching on his own candy.

"Nobody messes with our bunny rabbit, except me!" Coco said with a gleam in her shades, playfully pinching Velvet's cheek.

"Coco…! Stop it, this is embarrassing!"

Leaving Team CFVY to their own mischief, Ruby skipped down the aisle of tables spreading rose petals into the air. She had gone and given Valentines to almost all of her friends so far; JNPR was first, then SSSN, followed by Penny and the professors (though she wasn't sure if Ozpin understood what the card meant). Of course, Ruby made sure to save her best friends for last. She found them outside by the large Huntsman Statue eating their lunch, Yang with her arm draped over Blake's shoulder. Ruby could easily tell from her sister's body language that she was teasing the cat about her beau.

"So~!" Yang whistled, munching on an apple, "You and monkey boy got any plans for tonight?"

Sometimes Blake thought Yang was more inquisitive than her mother sometimes when it came to Sun. "Just a movie. That's it."

"Are you sure?"

"Does this face look unsure to you?"

"You tell me."

"Yang, please," Weiss interrupted, "She clearly doesn't want to talk about it. And I would rather not continue to hear you prodding into her personal life."

Xiao Long gave Weiss a coy smile. "I think someone is just jealous that they don't have a date for today. Did Neptune not try anything?"

"T-That has nothing to do with anything!" Weiss lied, "And besides, I'm over Neptune. I would rather not be dating someone with a criminal record."

"Sun told me he went out with Sage, Scarlet and Gray to a male bodybuilding convention too," Blake said, "Might explain why he didn't want to hang out with a girl to- Ruby, is that you?" The Faunus had been blinded from behind as Ruby held two hearts over her eyes, precariously standing on her toes on the inner rim of the fountain.

"Don't lean back," Ruby pleaded, smiling nervously, "And Happy Valentine's Day!" Yang took the cards just as Ruby started to fall backwards. Blake snatched hold of her cape, saving her from a splash. The rose sighed a breath of relief when she sat down, and handed an extra sparkly Valentine to Weiss. "An extra special one for my bestie!"

Weiss looked at the card, trying not to get glitter stuck to her fingers. "This… is nice."

Ruby's eyes went full puppy-dog. "You don't like it?"

"I do, I do! It's just… lovely."

"So, Ruby," Yang grinned slyly, tucking her Valentine into her cleavage (because why not?), "Give any Valentines to cute boys? That one new exchange student from Mistral is just your type~!"

"The farm boy?" Weiss raised an eyebrow, "He smells like pigs and compost."

"He's a working man. Probably real good with his hands."

"Real classy, Yang."

Ruby shook her head, refusing the suggestion. "I don't have time for boys, Yang. I gotta keep my grades good and stuff."

"Is that why you failed Port's last exam?" Blake asked.

"No! I was just really tired that night-

"Because you were watching 'All My Faunus' until sunrise."

"I can't help it! That show is an addiction! It's like a drug to me!"

"You have to have considered going on a date _at least_ once, Ruby," Yang said, returning to the topic at hand, "Handing out Valentines is fun and all, but don't you have someone really special you'd want to spend extra time with?"

Putting two and two together, Blake looked at Ruby then to Weiss. "…She did give Weiss a bigger card than us-

" _Blake, no."_ Weiss wasn't going to have any of that insinuation, but it was too late to stop the gears in Yang's head from turning. The blonde was getting her little sis a date today, even if it was one of her teammates.

"Hey, Ruby," Yang grinned, throwing her arm around her sister's shoulders. She reached out and snatched Weiss by the collar, pulling the reluctant heiress in. "How much do you like Weiss?"

The rose stroked her chin, calculating the situation. "Well, she is my best friend, but I don't think a date would-

"Don't think of it as a 'real date'. Think of it like… practice, for a real one. Weiss would love to help you experience what one is like! That's what best friends do for each other. Isn't that right, Weiss?"

If death glares could kill, Weiss would be standing over a dead Yang right now. This idea was so foolish! Ruby was pretty enough to find herself a boy to take her out tonight, so why should she have to go on a mock date with her? She looked at Ruby, her friend just shrugging at the suggestion. Was she really fine with this?

"I guess it can't be that bad," Ruby said, "People wouldn't even think we'd be on a 'date', either. We would just look like teammates having some fun. What do you say, Weiss? Will you 'go out' with me?"

Her logic wasn't wrong. Plus, Weiss didn't want someone else to be by themselves today. If Ruby wanted to do this, then she was going to do it as well. "…Fine. But I'm choosing where we go."

"How romantic~!"

"Shut up, Yang."

* * *

When she was much younger, Weiss had remembered her sister Winter taking her to the Aquarium of Atlas on Valentine's Day to go and see the dolphins. The little heiress was enamored by the grace and intelligence of the pinnipeds, and had begged to return there once more. Unfortunately, she and her sister never had the chance to do so, for once her father found out about their impromptu trip he had forbidden them from ever returning.

There was no aquarium like that in Vale, but the local zoo was close enough. Weiss figured it would be the same amount of fun as she once remembered - just with less water – and that Ruby would enjoy it as much as she would. Hey, if she was picking where to go on a 'date' she was going to make sure she would enjoy it to the fullest.

The zoo was busy for a somewhat chilly afternoon. Many animals were getting ready to tucker in for the night, but that didn't stop an increasing influx of visitors who came for a date night. Ruby and Weiss had already been there for almost an hour, making it about a third of the way through the enclosures. After exploring the Atlesian Artic Zone, the friends had stopped to grab some snacks before making their way to the Vacuoan Desert Dome. The enclosed ecosystem with free roaming tortoises and birds was just as warm as the real location, with a cluster of ceiling lights clustered to replicate the intense sun. Ruby and Weiss had taken shelter under a palm tree table, waiting for the lights to dim as the atmosphere switched from day to night.

"Hey, look," Ruby said to Weiss, pointing at a large tortoise lumbering to their table. She pulled off a piece of her cotton candy, holding it out for the reptile. Just as the tortoise reached out to bite, Weiss pulled her 'date' back.

"Can't you read the sign? Don't feed the animals, Ruby."

"But I feed Zwei goodies all the time!"

"Yes, but he's your dog. These animals are not yours."

"Then buy me one!"

"…You can't be serious."

Ruby stuck her tongue out playfully. "You're my date, right? Shouldn't my date buy me a gift?"

"W-Well, yes, but not a wild animal. Maybe a plush one from the gift shop instead."

"One of the giant ones?!"

"I didn't say…" Drat. Ruby was really pulling the puppy eyes card today. She knew saying no to her in this state was impossible. "...Alright. One of the big ones. But only because it is Valentine's Day."

"Success!" Ruby pumped her fist high in victory. Weiss couldn't help but smile at her innocence. Any boy would be lucky to have her...

"Weiss? Ruby? Is that you?"

The familiar voice of the noodle made Weiss and Ruby spin around. They met eyes with Jaune Arc and Pyrrha Nikos, holding hands as a bird narrowly made contact with the former's head. He was dressed in a grey button-up, matching well with Pyrrha's deep red sweater; it was weird to Weiss seeing them dressed so formally, and even weirder to see Jaune in the middle of an actual date.

"Hey Jaune, Pyrrha," Ruby smiled as Arc brushed a feather from his hair, "How're you guys doing?"

"Just lovely," Pyrrha replied, "Jaune wanted to take me out to here today. I have never been to a zoo before. Now that I have loosened up my training regiments, I want to spend my free time going places I previously didn't have time to go to."

"Are you guys here on a date, too?" Jaune asked jokingly, not prepared for Ruby's answer.

"Yup."

"Say what now?"

"We are!" Ruby quickly slid onto the seat beside Weiss, pulling the blushing heiress into a hug, "Well, kind of. Maybe not."

Weiss decided to explain before things spiraled out of control. "Yang wanted me to take Ruby on a 'mock date' since she'd never went on one before."

"I see," Pyrrha nodded, "I can't say it's a concept I have heard of before, but its sweet seeing how good of a friend you are."

There was a question Jaune felt was wrong to ask, but just had to. "How far are you guys going with this? Are you guys going out for dinner after this, or…?"

"I don't know," Ruby looked to Weiss, "Are we?"

"I think there is a diner at the other end of the zoo we could eat at. The last thing I wish to do is go to a fancy restaurant tonight. Cinder told me about some bad service she had recently, and I'm not taking any chances."

"What a coincidence!" Pyrrha exclaimed, "Jaune and I were actually planning on going to that diner ourselves in a bit. We were going to visit the tiger enclosure then make our way there afterwards."

Weiss and Ruby glanced at each other, shrugging. "Are you sure? We wouldn't want to ruin you two's time together."

"Nah, don't worry about it," Jaune assured, waving them off, "We always have time for friends."

There was a chomping sound from behind Ruby, who turned to see the giant tortoise had just snapped up her cotton candy in his beak. After trying to lightly tug it back, she decided to let the reptile have the tasty treat. "Guess I won't be having dessert before dinner after all."

* * *

The rest of the day went by so fast. After grabbing dinner in the diner, the four teens made their way through the last portion of the zoo. Pyrrha, having never seen so many exotic animals before, reminded Weiss of herself on her first trip to an animal park. She and Jaune broke off from them in the middle of the Vacuoan Savannah section to watch the giraffes and their silhouettes on the sunset, claiming a bench sat in between an enclosed, fairly romantic outcrop of rocks. Both of the girls would rather leave the lovebirds to their own business there, knowing that some lip locking would commence soon enough.

Weiss kept her word upon reaching the gift shop and purchased Ruby a large plush tortoise, with a shell large enough for Zwei to sit atop of. Fitting the stuffed animal into the taxi for the ride back to Beacon was its own little adventure, and they ended up tying the toy to the top of the car for a simple (if bizarre) solution. They reached the school as the moon took its place up above, and they walked quietly through their dorm back to their room. Upon entering, they found it was empty.

"I see Blake is still out with Sun," Weiss said, helping Ruby pull the giant plush through the small doorway. With a few tugs, the tortoise slipped in, falling on top of the heiress and knocking her on her back.

Giggling, Ruby extended a hand to her friend. "And I'm gonna guess Yang is spying on them since she's not here." Pulling Weiss up, she went to move the tortoise to the spot on the floor between the bunk beds. "Zwei's gonna love this guy when Dad sends him back here."

Weiss slipped her jacket off, hanging it on the doorknob. Even in the dark, she could see her friend was still smiling. Still, she needed confirmation in words that the 'date' went well. "So, did you enjoy the day?"

"Yeah! I gotta admit, it was much more fun than just handing out Valentines all day. But… I don't know why you're asking me that when the date's not done yet."

The heiress raised an eyebrow. "Pardon?"

Ruby blushed, making a circle in the carpet with her feet. "Don't dates usually end with, you know… a kiss…?"

Weiss must have really hit her head during that fall, because Ruby did not just say that. "You can't be serious."

"Why wouldn't I be? We just pretended to be a couple all day. You bought me dinner and a gift, and I, uh… I got you something too." Ruby reached into her pocket, digging around before presenting Weiss with a small box. She opened it as Schnee turned on a desk lamp to illuminate the room better. The light revealed a pair of crystal blue earrings, each rimmed with silver and carved in the shape of a dolphin. In disbelief, Weiss covered her mouth as she took the gift.

"When did you…?"

"While you were buying the tortoise," Ruby said softly, "I remembered how much you said you liked dolphins at dinner, and since we didn't see any today I just kinda thought you'd like these."

"They're beautiful," Weiss clasped the small box in her fist, holding it over her chest as she put her free hand on Ruby's shoulder, "Thank you, Ruby."

"So… kiss-kiss?"

Rolling her eyes, Weiss tried not to laugh. "You are so adamant on kissing me, aren't you?"

"If anyone is going to steal my first kiss, it should be my bestie. That, and I want to make this day 100% authentic, you know? Besides, who's going to see us?"

She wasn't wrong. What would the harm be? It was just a kiss, anyways. Quick and simple.

"…Okay. Close your eyes."

Blushing, Ruby obeyed. Weiss pursed her lips and leaned in, now grasping both of her friend's shoulders to stop her squirming. She took a deep breath right before she felt their mouths touch. It was odd at first, and Weiss meant for it to be only a quick peck on the lips. But the flash of a camera shocked her just enough to push harder, nearly falling onto Ruby as a cackling Yang emerged from the closet.

"That. Was. Perfect!" Yang shouted with glee as the two stunned girls stared at her, "It's been months in the making, but now I've finally got payback for you sharing that picture of me kissing Blake!"

" _Y-Yang!"_ Ruby yelled back, blitzing her sister in a flurry of rose petals, "Was that what this whole day was for?! Just to get me to kiss Weiss?!"

"And it worked perfectly! It's a Valentine's miracle!"

"You… you!" Ruby struggled to come up with a suitable insult. Instead, she wrestled with Yang for possession of her camera. The blonde managed to toss it into the hall, where a once hidden Blake caught it in mid-air. The Faunus winked at Weiss before running down the hall, Ruby racing after her. Once Yang followed behind them, Weiss stayed standing in place, holding two fingers to her lips.

She tasted like cotton candy.

Taking a seat at her desk, Weiss pulled out a small mirror and propped it up. She brushed the hair back from her ears, removing her old earrings and placing Ruby's in. Her eyes were glued to the little dolphins that now not just reminded her of Winter, but of the sweetest best friend she could have ever wanted.

It was just a kiss.

But why then was Weiss still blushing?

"…You dolt."


	94. EX 9: The Shusher

Sitting inside of a coffee shop was a strange experience for Qrow Branwen. The casual atmosphere, the smell of cocoa beans instead of that of vodka, and nobody trying to fight somebody else made for a very surreal drinking location. If his life had any excitement to it right now, he wouldn't have taken Ozpin's invitation to come here. No evil-doers or Salem shenanigans going on anymore was beginning to suck, ironically. Aiding in the Headmaster's quest to free himself from Ironwood's debt was the only entertainment he had anymore.

God, his life sucked ass. Maybe he needed a hobby other than drinking. Did that even count as a hobby, though? Probably not, but t was the closest thing he had to one. Qrow started brainstorming possible options as Ozpin rambled on about something related to James. When he noticed Branwen's eyes shift down to the table, Ozpin snapped his fingers to bring him back to the topic.

"You seem distracted," Oz commented, "I'd say you've been ignoring me nearly this whole time."

"Not wrong," Qrow admitted, ready to change the subject, "You got a hobby or something?"

"Pardon?"

"A hobby, Oz. What do you enjoy outside of work?"

The older man pondered that for a moment. "Well, I suppose what we are doing now."

"This? You mean scheming against people who screw you over?"

"I prefer to call it thoughts of reprisal, but yes. That was the entire point of the penthouse experience, after all. Though I must admit, I do enjoy secretly following the lives of my students from time to time."

"So… spying on them?"

Ozpin sipped once from his mug. "Such harsh terminology, Qrow. It is a delicate process, I should have you know. Placing a tracking beacon on Nora Valkyrie was one of my greatest accomplishments."

"How the hell did you pull that shit off?"

"Precision, night vision goggles, and quite a bit of cough syrup."

"Drugging your students now. Delightful."

Casually ignoring that, Oz handed a sheet of paper to Qrow covered in cursive scribbles and terrible sketches. "Now, back to the topic at hand. I've realized that trying to completely avoid repaying James is an impossibility. So, if I am to reimburse the massive amount of lien that I have been burdened in returning, then we will have to act above the law."

Qrow turned the sheet upside down as he tried to make out Ozpin's drawings. Underneath all the ink blotches and coffee stains, he could see dollar signs, a building, and a boxy looking vehicle. "…Does this involve stealing an armored bank truck full of money?"

"Yes, it does."

"Jesus Christ. How many stolen vehicles are you at now, like three?"

"Five, actually. Not counting the RV in the woods in that number. The circumstances behind that one were too murky to reach a definitive conclusion."

"You let a man die so you could steal his motor home."

"And you assisted me in burying him, so his blood is on your hands as well."

Qrow was feeling the bulge of a vein on his forehead right about now. "Oh Christ, we discussed this already! We both agreed that I had nothing to do with it as long as I would never mention that picture you took of Glynda while she was unconscious!"

"A promise you just so happened to break at this very moment!" Ozpin retorted, with a rare occurrence of him raising his voice, "It was not like I was the one to draw a penis on her forehead with a marker either!"

"Yeah, _I_ drew it but _you_ suggested it!"

"It did not stop you from doing so!"

" _Because it was fucking funny!"_

" _SSSHHH!"_

Both men froze instantly, the sharp hushing sound piercing them like an arrow. They turned slowly to their right to see a stranger glaring at them, a book in his hand and one finger to his lips. Annoyed by their bickering, he left in a hustle, with Qrow and Oz staring at him blankly as he briskly paced off.

"What… What the hell was that?" Qrow stammered.

"I believe he just shushed us," Ozpin replied, also stunned by the man's shocking action, "What sort of person does that to strangers, in broad daylight mind you?"

"I feel like this shouldn't be bugging me as much as it is, but I don't think we can just let that slide. That bastard needs to get his ass off the streets."

"May I suggest that we put just a slight hold on our current mission and do the right thing?"

"Gladly. That bastard's gonna be getting a mouthful of justice."

* * *

Today had been a busy day at the station for the head of the Vale Police Department. Six robberies, one domestic dispute, and a poor cat stuck in a toilet had already been on the agenda today, and it was barely past 5 PM. The exhausted chief of police stepped into his office, wiping the residue of his late lunch out of his moustache before sitting at his desk to meet his latest visitors. The two men were clearly Huntsman, though one smelled strongly of vodka. They didn't seem to be hurt in the slightest; they were more agitated than anything. Upon looking at their names on their police report, he felt an extra weight on his shoulders as he realized who these two were.

"Mr. Branwen and Mr. Ozpin," the chief said, eyes focused on the latter, "I wish I could say I haven't heard the stories behind you two, but unfortunately I have. I'd go into detail, but then that would be a waste of time since you're probably well aware of all the crimes you have committed… and somehow have never served jail time for."

"Surprises me too," Qrow shrugged, "God must enjoy the joke our lives are."

"Uh huh," the chief mumbled, continuing to scan their report, "So, what I'm seeing here is that you're looking for a man who, correct me if I'm seeing this wrong, but a man who _shushed_ you?"

"He was a vile man," Ozpin said, "Very rude. I believe he may have had a gun on him."

"Did he pull out a gun on you?"

"No, but I know for certain he had one."

The contradictions in his story were already showing. "So did he have a gun or not?"

"Maybe, certainly. Possibly not, but he definitely had one. He just did not use it."

This was going just as well as the chief had thought it would. "I hope you guys know you cannot file a report on a man who only told you to be quiet"

"Correction," Oz raised a finger immediately, "He shushed us. Those are two vastly different actions."

"Either way, this does not qualify as a crime. So he better have done something else, or you two need to get your asses out of my station."

Qrow and Ozpin looked at each other in subtle panic. They needed a story, and they needed it quick or else that shushing son of a bitch would continue to walk the streets and terrorize others. Seeing his partner had come up with something, Branwen decided to take the lead. "Actually, he was doing something else. He was… shushing our, uh, _cries for help."_

"So he was hurting you two?"

"Yeah, he was, uh-

"He was molesting us."

The death glare Qrow shot Ozpin lasted only for a moment as the drunk realized he had to go along with his vulgar claim. The chief could definitely tell they were going full on ad-lib here, but decided to play along regardless. Hell, he needed a laugh today. "So he was _molesting_ you both?"

"Well…" Qrow was struggling to think of anything to say, "You can't… Can't really…"

Seeing his chance to come to the rescue, Oz jumped in with what he considered the best possible way to go with this. "Not both of us. Only my comrade here."

"So he was only molesting you," the chief pointed to Qrow, who was barely suppressing his fuming anger.

"…Yup. Yeah, just… just me. Even though he did touch Oz a little."

"Actually, I got away in the nick of time," the Headmaster quickly retorted. He wasn't going to have his reputation besmirched by allusions of being raped. "His hand only touched my back. Nothing more than that. Poor Qrow on the other hand was being subjected to the most brutal of assaults. Truly he made soup of your insides."

" _No, no, no-_ No, he didn't do that. Didn't do anything like that. He barely even did anything. I shook him off actually. Didn't feel a thing."

"He did bite your nipples though."

" _What?!_ _No!_ No, he may have touched them but he sure as hell didn't bite them. I can prove that," Branwen turned to the chief, seeking clarification for the lie, "Do you want me to prove it?"

While this was quite amusing, the chief had at least 99 real problems to deal with today, and this sure wasn't one of them. "Look, if you're trying to file a false police report, then you can just get the hell outta my office or it'll be _you two_ who end up behind bars."

"...Are you still going to search for the shusher?"

" _GET. OUT."_


	95. EX 10: The Convention Menace

_Not too long ago, near a Huntsman Academy in Vale…_

 **GALACTIC CONQUEST: REMNANT**

 _EPISODE 0: THE CONVENTION MENACE_

IT IS A TIME OF EXCITEMENT FOR THE COSPLAYERS, COLLECTORS, AND FAKE NERD GIRLS OF REMNANT. THE ANNUAL GALACTIC CONQUEST CONVENTION HAS OPENED FOR THE FANS OF THE SCI-FI THRILLER CLASSIC, AND HUNDREDS HAVE COME TO MEET THEIR COMRADES IN ARMS AND THE ACTORS WHO PLAYED THE ICONIC ROLES OF THEIR BELOVED CHARACTERS.

WITH ENOUGH FUNDS TO FINALLY AFFORD TICKETS, THE NOODLE KNIGHT KNOWN AS JAUNE ARC HAS COME TO THE CONVENTION IN HOPES OF MEETING THE MAN RESPONSIBLE FOR PORTRAYING HIS FAVORITE CHARACTER, COLONEL BANESAW.

NOT ALONE IN HIS QUEST, HE HAS BROUGHT HIS GIRLFRIEND, PYRRHA NIKOS, ALONG WITH FELLOW FAN YANG XIAO LONG AND A FAIRLY RELUCTANT ADAM TAURUS TO JOIN HIM IN THE FIGHT AGAINST LINES OF SUPER FANS TO SPEND EXCESSIVE AMOUNTS OF LIEN ON ACTION FIGURES AND TRINKETS…

* * *

"This is it!"

Stepping out of the crowded taxi, Jaune Arc grinned upon laying his eyes of the Vale Convention Center and the huge banner reading _Galactic Conquest_ in shimmering gold letters upon it. A pair of cosplayers in full Tempest Trooper armor walked by and saluted him with the official grand Kingdom pose. As he responded with his own in turn, he had nearly forgotten that he hadn't come in the taxi alone.

"That's an… interesting pose, Jaune," Pyrrha said, stepping out of the vehicle. She was soon followed by Yang in a long robe, and then Adam who emerged from the front passenger seat. The Faunus received a nasty look from the driver as he paid the cab fare before driving off.

"I am fairly certain that driver did not like us very much," Taurus said, watching their ride speed away, "Perhaps I was too intimidating."

Yang rolled her eyes at his obliviousness. "Or maybe you shouldn't have played with his radio the whole time. Not many people like a stranger reaching over them to check the speedometer while their driving, either."

"Gray told me it was unsafe for certain vehicles to go over 60 miles per hour. I had to make sure."

"I swear, we should have just left the man child back at the gas station," Yang muttered to Pyrrha and Jaune, "I don't care if Gray said he needs some time outside after his break-up, because I'm starting to understand why Miltia left him."

Sighing, Pyrrha looked over Xiao Long's shoulder at the former White Fang member. "A break up is a difficult thing to go through. It might not look like it, but Adam could really use company right now. Just one day with him will not be the death of us. We survived 30 of them with him, remember?"

"I'd define it more as tolerating him than surviving."

"Come on, let's not argue guys," Jaune said encouragingly, striding forward, "We're here to have fun. And I want to get in there before the autograph lines get too long. I say we meet right here once we're ready to leave. Sound good?"

"Works for me," Yang nodded as she started to slide out of her robe.

Now, in Galactic Conquest Episode 6, there was a particular scene in which Heiress Lei was captured by the notorious space gangster Bubbus the Hunnus. Instead of killing her, however, he decided to humiliate her by dressing her up in a revealing slave outfit for the pleasure of his court. The act of indecency went down as the fetish for sci-fi fans across Remnant, and became a very popular cosplay subject.

So of course Yang had to wear it.

"Yang Xiao Long," Jaune gaped, seeing the blonde's revealing gold and purple bikini outfit, "You _are_ a bold one."

Not very fond of his excessive staring, Nikos pushed her finger into his side. "Don't drool too much, Jaune."

"Ow! Okay, okay… It's just a really well done costume, that's all."

"I got Cinder to make it for me," Yang replied, doing a little twirl, "It's the perfect outfit for attracting guys, too. Hopefully there's someone that looks like Van Zolo."

The thought of hunting down significant others attracted Adam's attention. "It is settled. I shall be your wingman, then."

"Nothing is settled here, Adam," Yang groaned, "This is a one-girl mission…" She saw Pyrrha give her a look saying not to leave him out of the activities. Yes, Nikos wanted Taurus to enjoy himself, but it was better he tagged along with Xiao Long than with her and Jaune. "…Fine. You can tag along with me. Just don't ruin my chances, got it?"

"Understood," Adam nodded, unbuttoning his shirt for some reason. He was confused as his comrades gave him an odd glare. "What? Should I not be as scantily clad as Yang is?"

It was at this moment Yang knew today was going to be much more grating than she wanted it to be.

* * *

Jaune's plan at first had been to make a straight beeline to the back room where the meet and greets were taking place, and then turn back around to the dealer's room in search of the action figures on his buy list. Simple enough, right?

Apparently not.

Upon setting foot in the building, Arc's eyes were glued to the tables upon tables of collectors selling their merch. Vintage, modern, customs; every possible kind of figure was before Jaune, and the temptation was too much.

"Hold up, Jaune!" Pyrrha reached out for her beau, but it was too late. The blonde had disappeared in the sea of people, pushing his way through as the hunt for plastic began. Pyrrha looked around her and realized she was completely out of her element. While she had watched the Galactic Conquest films, she could only name a few characters, and the little green guy on the shirt Jaune gave her to wear was not one of them. If anyone tried to strike up conversation with her, it would definitely end awkwardly. She would have to stick to Jaune like glue. "Jaune! Where did you go?"

"Down here!"

She saw a hand wave above the dozens of heads. About a minute of struggling around people later, and Pyrrha saw Arc handing over a wad of lien to a dealer, two full plastic bags at his feet. "I see you've already found something you wanted."

"Check it out!" Jaune pulled out one of the carded figures, "They actually had a 2003 Saga Collection MISP Shadow Strike Tempest Trooper Elite figure! This thing is awesome!"

"It certainly is," Pyrrha smiled and nodded, having no clue what Jaune was talking about. She felt like she was going to be doing that a lot today, but she didn't mind. Just seeing Jaune this excited over his passion was worth it to her. "Are you ready to-

" _Oh. My. God…"_

Frozen in shock for a few seconds, Jaune lifted his arm and pointed at something on another table where a lone action figure box sat. He approached slowly, in disbelief that he was laying his eyes upon his Holy Grail collectible. Of course, Pyrrha was unsure of what was happening. "Are you alright?"

"I can't believe it," Jaune breathed, standing over the action figure, "The 30th Anniversary Platinum Chase Variant Colonel Banesaw with light-up Laser Cutlass, once exclusive to Galactic Conquest Con 1987 with only 50 ever produced… I've dreamed of this moment for so long!"

He reached out for the figure in a state of collector's euphoria, already feeling the pride of placing it upon his shelf back home. This was easily one of the greatest moments of his life so far, perhaps even number one… Okay, maybe kissing Pyrrha was higher up. And being born, too. This was definitely a top five at the least.

Well, at least until another hand grabbed the figure as he did.

"Huh?" Jaune looked to his left, where someone in a suit of Koba Sett armor stood, the bounty hunter cosplayer holding onto his coveted Colonel. Standoffs like this were rare occurrences at conventions, and heads started to turn towards the two collectors as tension began to rise. "Sorry, man. I had the figure first."

The cosplayer shook his helmeted head, laughing. "Nope. I did. This figure will make a fine addition to my collection."

"I think you mean _my_ collection."

A circle of enthused fans began to form around the standoff like it was some sort of rap battle. Pyrrha wasn't sure whether to intervene, call security, or just let… whatever this was play out.

"I think there's only one way to settle this," Jaune grinned, tightening his grip on the figure, "And that's figuring out who is the more educated fan."

"Trivia, huh?" the cosplayer said with confidence. Clearing his throat, Jaune's opponent spat out a question with lightning speed. _"What was the squadron rank of Link Cloudwalker in Episode 5!?"_

" _Red 5, of course!"_ Arc didn't waste any time in retaliating, _"Name the Tempest Trooper Commander of General Torca from comic issue #67!"_

" _Commander Groze! Who was his sergeant!?"_

" _Lichenhurt! Too easy!"_

With the crowd around her cheering the two on, Pyrrha sighed and pinched her brow. "I've got a bad feeling about this…"

* * *

After the amount of time she had spent so far in the food court, Yang was expecting to have at least a few boys sitting at her table trying to win her over. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. In addition to the lack of attractive guys around, those who were on her radar already had someone at their side. The last thing Yang wanted to be was a homewrecker or anything of that sort. So here she was, sitting with a basket of cheesy nachos and a shitty wingman of a Faunus, wondering if Pyrrha and Jaune were enjoying themselves more than her right now.

"Are you sure you don't want any?" Adam asked, his mouth stuffed with melted cheddar and tortilla chips.

"Nope…" Yang sighed, flicking a folded up straw wrapper across the table. She pulled her scroll out of her gold lingerie to check the time, hoping that she would look up afterwards to see some cutie standing over her. That did not turn out to be the case, much to her disappointment. It was still just Taurus, now looking around and taking in his surroundings. He hadn't done too well in the searching department either, for he seemed to give up on finding a girl a while ago.

"You look disappointed. Was speaking with that one person not enough?"

"He was here with his mother and stared at my chest the whole time. Not really prime boyfriend material."

"But isn't the point of the costume to get them to stare at your breasts?"

"It's only to catch their attention. The goal is to get them to have a conversation and get to know me as a person and not as a sex object."

"I think being half-nude is counterintuitive to your goal."

She was about to make a snarky comment about him knowing such large words, but Yang realized Adam made too much sense there. It seemed she hadn't really thought this whole plan through. Things just didn't make sense. She knew she looked good, a solid 9/10 if she was being modest. Why then could she never find herself a boyfriend? Lots of guys back at Beacon were smitten with her, but none of them dared approach her one-on-one or attempt to even speak to her in a group. It wasn't like she was a mean person. She knew she was kind, supportive, a powerful Huntress…

"Adam," Yang said, clenching her fist, "Do you think I'm scary?"

"Yes. But not in a way that makes me fear for my life. More like a 'She would probably break my spine with a hug' kind of way. Why do you ask?"

"Needed something cleared up, that's all," she draped her robe over her shoulders, tying it at the waist, "I'm… I'm gonna go step outside."

"I will join you, then."

"As in _alone."_

"Are you not enjoying yourself here?"

"What does it look like?" Yang snapped in response, "Sure, I enjoy these movies and all, but I'd like _someone_ to watch them with for crying out loud!"

"You have your teammates."

"Not _that_ kind of someone… Blake's got Sun, Pyrrha's got Jaune, Ren and Nora are a thing, Cinder and Emerald are inseparable, I can't even believe Merc and Velvet somehow hooked up, and I'm pretty sure Weiss has the hots for my sister right now! Do you see what I'm getting at?"

"…Schnee is a lesbian?"

"Not that! Everyone has someone they can say they love except me! I'm always the one who sits and watches others be happy with one another because I'm too intimidating for guys to try and say hello to! You even said so yourself! If I can't even find someone decent by putting myself in this costume then how the hell am I going to find someone?!"

"This is not like you to say things like this. It's strange." Adam noticed her eyes beginning to turn a light shade of pink, and knew what would come if they became fully colored. "Sit down. Talk."

Panting, Yang sat back down in her seat. She ran her fingers through her hair, biting her lip in frustration. "Valentine's Day made me really start to think. I said before I was fine helping and watching others find each other, but I guess deep down I was kind of projecting myself onto them. It… It didn't feel fair, that's all. Especially when I remembered you managed to find someone else after the Blake situation. No offense."

"I shall take none of it," Adam said, "I know you do not think too highly of me, but I do feel sympathy with you."

"Didn't think you were capable of that."

"Love isn't a fair concept, as I have recently discovered… Gray didn't tell any of you exactly why my relationship with Miltia ended, did he?" Yang shook her head no, deciding not to say she had once assumed Miltia cut the cord with him when she realized how big of a mistake she had made. "I thought not. I had gone to the club she works at on Valentine's Day, and saw her dancing with another guy. It was… very erotic dancing."

"She… she _cheated_ on you?"

"You could say that, I suppose. She seemed earnest in her apology, but I was not going to accept it. Letting go was my only option. The old me would have done something much worse in that situation."

"I didn't know that it… I'm sorry to hear that, Adam."

"Hurting inside is something I've learned to cope with. When Blake was gone, and when it was clear she loved another, I had to deal with that concealment. You though… You seemed to have been holding it in for much longer."

"Got that right," Yang sighed, taking a nacho chip and crushing it in her hand, "How do you cope with it?"

"Persistence, hope, dedication… Having been part of a revolutionary group, those attributes have gotten quite strong in times where things seem pointless."

"And when you lose that hope? What happens then?"

"Nothing. I never lose it. If I did that, then there would be no reason to wake up the next day."

"…You're really good with words when you need to be."

"I lack knowledge of social norms, not linguistic ability."

"Coming from the guy who didn't know what philanthropist meant!" Yang laughed, remembering that story Gray had told her about his first date with Miltia.

"That was not my fault. Mercury said the word strangely."

"Whatever you say," she jokingly rolled her eyes, and noticed Adam's eyes for the first time as she did. They were yellow, a striking shade of it, just like her hair. Animalistic with a hint of humanity: a trait she hadn't really seen in him until today. The Faunus had hurt others once before because of misunderstanding his own pain and problems, and yet had brought himself to change for the sake of others and himself. And then there was her, keeping her aching feelings inside for so long and not even trying to cope with them.

Goddammit. This idiot was actually being helpful.

"Hey," Yang untied her robe, revealing her costume once more, "Let's go back out there, okay? No more searching for guys, no more you being a wingman. Let's just enjoy ourselves. As friends should."

Adam wasn't sure he had heard that right. "I'm… you're friend?"

"Hey, with everything we just discussed we need all the friends we can get. So, how about it?"

"Can I finish these chips first?"

Before Yang could say anything, there was a click then a flash. The two turned to see a person in a completely chrome and gold Tempest Trooper costume, holding a camera and giving them a thumbs up. "Well, wasn't that sweet? Didn't think you had it in you to open up to _him_ of all people, blondie."

"Who're you calling blondie you…" Yang froze midsentence. She recognized the voice behind that helmet all too well. _"Wait a minute! Mercury?!"_

Removing his helmet, the 5-Star Man was smirking as always. He brushed his hair back, the usual spikiness flattened by the golden helmet. "Been a while, hasn't it? I see you're getting into the exhibitionist lifestyle with that outfit."

"Ha-ha," Yang punched him lightly on the arm, "And you look like you're letting your geek side show with that cosplay."

"Nah, not at all. You'd be surprised how much mothers will pay to have their kids get a photo with one of these costumed guys. Already got myself at least 100 lien so far today. So much easier makin' a living this way than assassinating people."

"Can't say you're wrong about that one. So, you want to tag along with us? We're just about finished here with lunch."

"Thanks, but no thanks. What I'm doing here isn't exactly in league with the convention rules. Just say hi to Velvet for me when you get back to that school of yours. You two enjoy your date or whatever this is."

"We're on a date?" Adam asked a triggered Yang.

"We're just friends, Merc."

"Ah, so it's a pity date."

"…I forgot how much of an asshole you are, Merc. What does Velvet see in you?"

"The heart of a certified Golden God, blondie."

* * *

"You're a worthy opponent, Mr. Sett."

"As are you, my boy."

Having already lasted for ten minutes, Jaune's mind was still not wavering in its ability to recall Galactic Conquest trivia. He and his costumed adversary had seemingly gone through a hundred questions or more, neither one giving the slightest hint of doubt in their answers. Truly, they were equal in knowledge of insignificant details.

"I figured as such…" Jaune sighed, looking at a box under the figure dealer's table. It was time to kick things up a notch. "It is obvious that this contest cannot be decided by our knowledge of the films… but by our skills with a Laser Cutlass."

"Very well," the cosplayer nodded. He gestured to a sideliner to grab them both a prop weapon. Once they were both armed, the two collectors locked eyes once more. Overconfidence was surrounding Jaune, feeling that his training with Pyrrha would let him soundly best this bounty hunter in seconds. "This is where the fun begins."

Jaune activated his illuminating prop with a satisfying hissing sound, slowly bringing the collectable towards the table. "On three, we set the figure down and begin. I have to say, I find your lack of taste in blade color disturbing."

The cosplayer chuckled, holding his puce colored blade in an offensive stance. "Surely you realize you are doomed."

"You fool. I was trained in the Kedi arts by Pyrrha Nikos herself."

"Then prepare to…Wait, you mean the Pumpkin Pete's girl?"

"Huh? Oh, yeah. My girlfriend. She's right over there." Jaune went to point at her in the crowd, but Pyrrha was absent from her spot. "Well, she _was_ right there."

"Dang, I thought I recognized her!" the cosplayer saluted Nikos, "Her cereal is delicious, by the way. Unfortunately, that doesn't mean I'm going to go easy on you, my boy."

"I wouldn't have it any other way," Jaune said, taking his battle stance, "Now, on the count of three… _two… one-_

"Jaune!" a returning Nikos happily called, holding something behind her back, "I think I've found something you'd quite enjoy!"

"Pyrrha!" Arc spun around, holding up a hand to pause the countdown, "Kinda in the middle of starting a duel here."

"Oh, sorry! Is this still about the action figure?"

"Of course! I don't think you realize how big of a deal this figure is!"

"He's right," the Sett cosplayer added from aside, "Very. Very rare."

Sighing, Pyrrha accepted the extreme measures being made over a toy. "I see. Though I think you'd like to see what I have for you here."

"Okay, I'll look at it, but this duel has to start… soon…" His voice trailed off as Pyrrha presented her gift to him, holding it out in her hands. The shiny hilt sat in a shiny red box, held in place by soft black felt and labeled with a small gold tag. Jaune's mouth fell agape upon seeing the signature on the chromed prop, instantly recognizing the autograph of the man responsible for creating _Galactic Conquest_ itself. "Oh… _Oh my God."_

"I didn't think I would actually win this," Pyrrha was blushing at his wondrous expression, "I went just over there and put my name on a raffle ticket a bit ago, and they pulled mine out of hundreds!"

Jaune delicately took the prize from his girlfriend's hands. "This is… This is George Luna's autograph… I've only ever dreamed of owning something like this… And now I'm holding it."

Seeing his eyes begin to well with tears, Pyrrha had to wipe her own as she went to kiss him on the cheek. A collective 'aww' from the people standing around reminded them they had an audience. "I'll hold this if you want to resume your duel now."

"I'm not putting this down," Jaune grinned, turning to the Sett cosplayer, "The figure's yours. If I got that today too, I'd have a heart attack."

"Thanks man," his opponent asked, "Though I wouldn't mind dueling you for that hilt there."

"Yeah, I don't know about that one buddy. You enjoy that figure, and may the Schworz be with you."

"And the same to you, my friend."

* * *

The sun was setting after a long day of spending and conversing with fellow fans. In addition to the one-of-a-kind prize, Jaune was leaving the convention building with six bags of merchandise in tow. They sat on the ground beside him as he and Pyrrha waited on a bench outside for Yang and Adam to meet them. Soon enough, the two came into sight as they exited the building.

"Over here!" Jaune waved at the two to catch their attention, "How did you guy's day go?"

"Not bad," Yang replied, her eyes shifting to Adam for the briefest of moments, "Took pictures with some fans, and got myself a guy's number. Pretty fun, all in all."

"I too received a phone number," Adam followed right after, "Though I can't say who's."

A quick elbow from Yang made him stop talking. "Not that it would matter. Because they're a _stranger._ They wouldn't know them anyways… But anyways, we actually ran into an _old friend_ today."

"Really? Pyrrha said, "Who?"

Suddenly, there was shouting coming from a few yards back. One of the angry voices came from a figure dressed in a shiny gold suit of armor as two security guards tossed him onto the sidewalk. The 5-Star Man flipped off the men who found out about his rule-breaking money scheme. _"Bastards!_ At least give me back my goddamn money!"

Smirking at Black's misery, Yang jerked a thumb towards him. "Ah, just that _Golden God_ over there."


End file.
